Hogan's Heroes (1965) s04e18 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) ( polka music playing ) ( people talking indistinctly ) HOGAN: And evening like this, and, uh Ah, Schultz, thank you.
Would you like a drink, Hogan? Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Schultz.
This is a very amusing little party, isn't it, Hogan? You're awfully friendly tonight, Commandant.
Anything wrong? Oh, come, now, we're not all bad, are we? No, but you'll do until something bad comes along.
Very amusing.
Colonel Klink.
Mm.
You have been neglecting me.
Oh, my dear Baroness, that would be impossible.
May I present the Baroness von Krimm? You certainly may.
And this is my favorite prisoner of this or any other war, Colonel Robert Hogan.
Baroness.
Colonel Hogan.
Uh, would you excuse me, my dear? Well a tall, good-looking man for a change, and I thought this party was going to be such a bore.
Keep talking.
You're raising the fur on the back of my neck.
What is it you Americans always say, mm "Where have you been all my life?" Right here.
I don't go out much anymore.
Of course.
You're a prisoner.
It only hurts when I'm awake.
You live in Hammelburg? Mm.
Part of the year.
We have a nice, little house just outside of town.
I'd love for you to see it sometime.
Ah, so would I, but I have an arrangement with the management: I don't escape, and they don't shoot me.
Well, if you ever do escape, Colonel please drop in.
Keep a swastika burning in the window.
( chuckles ) Excuse me, Colonel, but I couldn't help overhearing you and the baroness talking.
Maybe because you were listening.
How else could I hear? Mm-hmm.
She's nice, the baroness.
Ooh-la-la.
Very definitely ooh-la-la.
( clears throat ): I can arrange it for you to see her.
Why would you do a thing like that? Because I'm your friend.
When did that happen? I can arrange for you to slip out from camp tomorrow night, and I have a car waiting for you in the woods.
How many candy bars? None.
We pay off for every other favor around here.
This is free, a bonus because we are friends, and because the whole world loves a lover.
You're a big man, Schultz, big but take my advice, huh? Don't drive.
Who is driving? Schultz, more drinks over here.
Yes, Herr Kommandant.
Did you fix him? Yes, Herr Kommandant, I fixed it for tomorrow night.
Excellent.
Well done.
Yes, Colonel, not bad, if I may say so myself.
( laughing ) Wow.
They didn't tell us about this in basic training.
What is basic training? They train you to fight.
Oh and obviously, you're well trained.
Where did you take yours? You're a baroness.
Does that mean there's a baron? Yes.
He commands a panzer unit at Stalingrad.
What else is new? What's it like, being in a prisoner-of-war camp? Well you're expecting me to say it's bad.
It's not.
It's terrible.
( slightly chuckles ) Don't you ever try to escape? All the time.
Poor man.
I wish there was some way I could help you.
Keep trying.
You're on the right track.
But isn't it your duty to try and get away from there? I mean, don't you have a plan for escape? Yeah, we do have a tunnel.
A tunnel.
How exciting.
Oh, yeah, it's a beauty.
It's big enough for two-way traffic, lights, air vents.
Perfect engineering.
And you talk about it with so much pride.
Why not? Took a long time to build.
We even have a name for it.
We call it the Holland Tunnel.
The Holland Tunnel? Mm-hmm.
Only one problem: it's between New York and New Jersey.
( laughs ) Your men must be very clever.
HOGAN: They are.
They're the greatest.
Herr Kommandant, how do you spell "Holland"? Oh, you idiot, he's just being cagey.
Oh How do you spell "cagey"? Shh! Listen.
Why are they so quiet? With a woman like that, why should a man waste time talking? ( chuckling ) London's transmitting, Colonel.
Urgent message.
Decode it as it comes in, huh? Right.
All right, where was I? Well, you were sitting with your arms around the baroness when you spotted the microphone in the lamp next to the couch.
Was that your single standard pickup job, or Never mind that.
What happened, Colonel? Right, sir, get on with it.
Bloody suspense is unbearable.
All right.
Well, first I considered smothering the mike, but then I figured as long as I was there, and she was, um Yeah, yeah.
Yeah? So I decided I'd play along.
Exactly what I would have done.
Sure.
You're a Frenchman.
What's wrong with that? Nothing.
I just mean all that funny stuff with girls.
After two years here, there's nothing funny about it.
Right.
Toujours LeBeau, mate, and don't you bloody forget it.
Here you are, Colonel.
Oh, thanks, Kinch.
London will drop a man in tomorrow night.
Special orders.
Top secret.
Urgent.
They'll try for Sector X-19.
All right, Carter, LeBeau, meet him, bring him in, huh? Right, Colonel.
Kinch, acknowledge that and tell them we'll be there, huh? All right, Colonel, but, uh, hold off on that story about the baroness, will you, till I get through? Man does not live by radio alone.
Yeah, you didn't miss much, Kinch.
Klink tried to set a trap for me, but he's really so obvious.
I mean, I should feel insulted.
I'd teach him a lesson.
I'd never see that baroness again.
Carter, I said "insulted," not "crazy.
" ( airplane flying overhead ) Here we are, sir, just like Mother used to make.
Thank you, Corporal.
These are invasion plans: Operation Anvil.
Right.
Rather a proper sounding name, don't you think? Oh, rather.
These are actually instructions to the underground for coordinated action with an invading force.
And you want the krauts to get this? Well, that's what the brass in London have in mind.
Boy, I don't think so.
Captain Sears, may I see a driver's license, please? Operation Anvil is a complete fake, phony, but the Nazis must believe that it is absolutely genuine.
Well, how are we supposed to convince 'em, walk up to 'em and whisper in their ears? London wants the Germans to steal the plans and to think they have stolen an important secret.
Yeah, I'll give you an important secret: It's impossible.
But you must've made some contacts with the Germans here.
Most of our friends are enemies.
Colonel, what about the baroness? Yeah, the krauts think they've set me up in a trap with the local baroness.
And a lovely trap it is, too.
He's not struggling to get out.
People are beginning to talk.
Colonel, you could take the plans with you next time you go to see the baroness, uh, drop a hint.
She's sure to steal them.
Good plan, Colonel.
Yeah, it's beautiful, beautiful-- a prisoner of war with invasion plans on me.
The Gestapo'd be in on the act like that.
They wouldn't just suspect the plans.
They'd run 'em right back to here and shut us down with a firing squad.
I told you the baroness was no good.
I think the colonel's quite right, lads.
Your-your plan's too simple.
It wouldn't work.
The Jerries would tumble to it in a flash.
I think he's right, you know? Hold it, hold it.
Let's not dump the baroness that quick.
I was just thinking, if we handle it carefully, we may be able to use her as a starting point.
Take her for a nice walk up the garden path.
Boy, people are really going to start talking.
I mean, you-you're going to you're going to get rumors going about you and the baroness, boy.
It-it's embarrassing.
Just a simple little plan to get information, Major.
May I remind you that you are in the Luftwaffe, not the Gestapo, not the Abwehr? Oh, I admit I have nothing to do with intelligence.
That is obvious to all of us.
( laughs ) I mean, it's obvious to me, too, Herr Kommandant.
After all, we are the Luftwaffe.
And the Luftwaffe needs men at the Russian front.
Up to and including the rank of colonel.
Oh, oh, please, Major, uh, perhaps I overstepped my authority slightly, but I have always thought of myself as an all-purpose officer.
Good.
That would be fine if our purpose was to lose the war.
I thought we were trying to win.
Shut up.
The baroness has been a Gestapo agent since the beginning of the war.
I will not have her effectiveness compromised by amateurs.
You are requesting, then, that we discontinue our plan? No, I am requesting nothing.
I order it stopped at once! Request approved.
Thank you.
Shame, Herr Kommandant.
Just when we were Would you please shut up? Wait.
Sometimes out of the mouths of babes and fools Speak up, Schultz.
Well Colonel Hogan asked me if he could leave the camp tonight again to see the baroness.
What did you tell him? I said, "Yes.
" Kommandant Klink's orders.
You fool! I warned you not to listen to me unless I tell you to.
Just a minute.
Go through with the arrangement.
Let him visit the baroness one more time.
If he is so anxious to see her, perhaps he will reveal some information.
Brilliant thinking, Major Hochstetter, brilliant thinking.
Ja.
Too bad it isn't contagious.
SCHULTZ: Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja ( speaking German ) Raus, raus, heraus.
( speaking German ) Here we are, sir, right through this tunnel.
Up the ladder, into the woods, and you'll see the road right there.
You can't miss it-- and Colonel Hogan will be waiting for you when you get there.
Right, Corporal.
My word, you chaps are well organized here.
Ah, that we are, sir.
We may come back after the war and open a tea shop.
It is impossible.
An RAF officer cannot stay here.
Just hide him for a few days.
He won't be any trouble.
Quite.
All I require is an occasional cup of tea.
But where did you find him? He dropped in unexpectedly on the end of a parachute.
I was walking in the town, saw this chap go by wearing an American uniform and followed him here.
But those clothes Rather dreadful, aren't they? I, uh, I stole them.
And if he's caught wearing civilian clothes, he'll be shot as a spy.
In that case, I must tidy up a bit.
Come on, Baroness, give him a break.
But I cannot.
You know the penalty for harboring the enemy? It's just for a few days.
She must not let the Englishman get away.
She's only trying to be convincing.
She's putting on an act for them.
Then I'd stop worrying.
She convinced me.
Now I'm worried again.
BARONESS: But it's too dangerous.
Absolutely out of the question.
He can stay in the cellar.
Thanks for changing your mind.
What choice did I have? Now I'll get something to eat for you, and some blankets.
Why don't you sit down? Thank you very much, indeed.
Well done, old chap.
Really? ( chuckling ) I'm out of practice-- the war.
Of course, but jolly good anyhow, eh? Shh.
So, uh, you bailed out, huh? What happened? Catch a load of flak? Colonel, there is something urgent and top secret I must tell you.
I am not an RAF officer.
No! SEARS: I'm a courier-- British Intelligence, Section Five.
What? You bailed out deliberately? Right.
My mission is to deliver these plans to the underground.
Invasion plans! Indeed.
Orders to the underground for coordinated action once it begins.
That's dynamite.
Did you hear? Shh! I will wait for the underground to contact me.
The recognition code for passing the plans is Don't tell me.
I don't want to get involved.
You get caught with these plans, I'm in trouble, too.
I have a way of destroying them.
I will only give them to a special contact.
A man carrying a newspaper under his arm is to approach me and say, "The birds fly south," and my answer must be, "Before the first snow.
" That's exactly what I'm going to do-- fly south right back to that nice, safe P.
O.
W.
camp.
Colonel, I need your help.
You listen to me.
I'm locked up in the toughest P.
O.
W.
camp in all of Germany, with a kraut commandant who's just waiting to call room service to order a firing squad.
I can't wait to get back to Bridgeport, Connecticut, so I can start making a fool of myself with the girls again.
So count me out.
My mission is urgent.
So is mine.
I want to stay alive so I can cash my war bonds.
Well, I seem to have caught a fair-sized rabbit.
Yes, in my trap.
( chuckling ) Major, let us give this matter careful consideration before we reach any decision.
Oh, by all means, ja.
Baroness, you will go back in there.
Keep them occupied.
Jawohl, Herr Major.
Schultz, go back to Stalag 13, put on civilian clothes and return here at once.
You will make contact with the Englander and pick up the plans.
Me, a member of the underground? He will never believe it, Herr Major.
Why not? I look too military.
He will believe it.
The recognition code is, "The birds fly south.
" You will say that, and he will reply, "Before the first snow.
" Eight words-- can you memorize it? Leave it to me, Herr Major.
I have it right in here.
Good.
On your way.
( clicks heels ) Now I must call my headquarters and have them send over some men to arrest the Englander.
Tell me, Klink, have you reached a decision? Major, this matter is of such great importance, there's only one thing we can do: sleep on it.
I thought that's what you were doing.
I must say, Baroness, you make a lovely cup of tea, considering you're a Ger Oh, sorry.
Didn't know you were occupied.
Carry on.
I'd better be getting back to the dormitory.
Oh, not yet, please.
Yeah, they lock the door at 11:00.
The house mother gets mad.
Mmm.
However ( knock at door ) ( knocking ) Guten Abend.
Abend.
Excuse me, gnadige Frau, but, uh, I'm looking for a friend of mine.
Here? Ja.
I thought I saw him come into this house.
Is this the man? I won't be sure until The snow flies to the south.
I beg your pardon? The snow drops on the birds? I think he's trying to tell you something.
And making a bloody awful job of it.
The snow flies south before it happens to the birds? Could you, by any chance, mean, "The birds fly south before the first snow"? Doesn't sound right, but it's not bad.
It's perfect.
Stay where you are! You are under arrest! Take him to headquarters.
Raus! Raus! The birds fly north? No.
The birds fly south, but the north birds fly to the South birds fly to the north.
You really think we're going to take Captain Sears away from the krauts? That's right, and before they get a chance to work him over.
And just how are we supposed to do that, sir? Walk into Gestapo headquarters and get him.
I'm glad I asked.
That puts my mind at ease, too.
Voila-- pull him out.
All right, here's Gestapo headquarters.
He's got to be in one of these cells here.
Newkirk and Carter in uniform.
Kinch, I want you to steal a car from the motor pool.
Right.
All right, they walk into Gestapo headquarters with the suspect for questioning.
You drop a few smoke grenades, you go and get the captain, bring him back here.
We turn him over to the underground.
They get him back to England.
Hmm, just like falling off a log.
Yeah, and the next falling we do right after that is in front of a bloody firing squad.
Sir, you said a suspect? Yeah: LeBeau.
Uh, you found him loitering near a munitions factory.
You arrested him.
He's a Frenchman.
He's a foreigner-- suspicious.
Colonel, I have talent for other things.
I could pose as almost anybody.
Why must I always pose as a Frenchman? I don't know, LeBeau.
Just something about you.
Oh-ho-ho.
Now, everything all set? What about Major Hochstetter, sir? Suppose he's at Gestapo headquarters? He won't be.
I'll have Schultz arrange another date with the baroness for me.
Hochstetter will be in the other room listening.
He just can't resist.
Then you take care of the diversion with the baroness, right? Diversion? Mm-hmm, you could put it that way.
Mm-hmm.
( Schultz yelling ) It's only us! It's only us again! Let him go! Let him go out! Hogan is not talking much tonight.
At the moment, I imagine he has better things to do.
Don't worry, Klink.
We will hear from him later.
You you are marvelous.
Sometimes war brings out the best in a man.
And after the war, what will you do? Pretty much the same thing, I hope.
Mmm.
You caught him near the munitions factory? Ja, acting very suspicious.
What was he doing? Nothing.
That's what made us suspicious.
Certainly a man has the right to do nothing if he wants.
Since when? Obviously a new man.
What is your name? Bah! That's rude.
He keeps making that noise.
We will change that, I assure you.
Bah! Your name and rank, bitte.
Oh, uh, me? Uh, just call me Fritz.
For the record, please.
Oh.
Well, uh, I'm, um, Oberkellner Hausmann.
Oberkellner? That's a headwaiter.
Was ist los? I've always called him Fritz.
Ja, that's me-- Fritz.
I'm afraid that's not good enough.
All right, hold it right there.
Okay, pal, you want to tell me which cell the English captain's in? Nine.
So, you won't talk, huh? He means number nine, stupid.
Let's go.
I beg your pardon.
Come on.
Come on.
Good show, chaps! Thanks.
Get inside.
OFFICER: Help! Help, guard! Help! ( yelling in German ) ( coughing ) When? How many of them? I see-- Gestapo uniforms, eh? All right, search every house in the area.
Heil Hitler.
The Englander has been taken from headquarters.
The undergrounds, they got away.
Gestapo headquar right under your very noses.
( laughing ) Ooh, that's a very serious offense.
Hogan! Hogan.
Hogan! Commandant, what are you doing here? And what are you doing here? A prisoner has been taken from Gestapo headquarters.
Has Hogan left this room at all this evening? He has not, Herr Major.
Yeah, you can say that again.
I will begin an investigation at once.
And if you know what is good for you, Hogan, you will cooperate.
Gentlemen, if you need me, you know where to find me, but next time, knock, huh? I am not satisfied with your answers, Hogan.
Neither am I.
It figures.
I warn you, this investigation will go on relentlessly until we find that Englander.
Major, can I help in any way? Ja, Klink, there is one vital thing.
Stay out of this, beginning right now! I cannot stand that man.
Commandant, request permission to see the baroness again.
Denied.
Why should you have a good time when the rest of us are fighting a war? Has it ever occurred to you that the baroness may know a little more about the Englishman? After all, he went to her house.
That is no concern of yours.
I'm trying to help you.
How? Well, suppose, just suppose, you were to plant a microphone in her living room.
Why? And I went to see her, got her started talking, and you listened in the other room.
That's an ingenious idea.
Shall we try it, sir? Let me think it over for a day or two.
Fine.
Can't ask for more than that.