Malcolm in the Middle s04e18 Episode Script

Hal, I'm leaving a sandwich here for you.
Thanks, honey.
Wow.
That was quick.
- You must have been - really hungry.
Yes, no, maybe I don't know Can you repeat the question? You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now - You're not the boss - of me now And you're not so big You're not the boss of me now - You're not - the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now And you're not so big Life is unfair.
- Come on, boys, breakfast! - Let's go! - You're going to be late! - Hal, look what you're doing.
Oh, for God's sake! (groans) My last good tie.
- No.
I just bought you - a whole 12-pack.
- Well, I went - through it! Mom! Oh, for the love of Pete! Reese blew his nose on my shirt! - Because Dewey put his dirty - underwear on my pillow! - MALCOLM: - And one of them used My graphing calculator to smash open a juice box! Everybody just shut up! - Your mother is nine months - pregnant.
- She's stressed out enough - as it is! - She doesn't need - all this screaming! - All right, - you know what? I know how to solve this.
- We're only going to be gone - for two days.
- We're going to have - at least one weekend - Before this baby's born where - we get some peace and quiet.
Without us? You know the plan? As soon as you leave, I put Reese on a bus to his grandma in Canada.
- After school, I take - Malcolm over to Stevie's.
And Dewey stays with me.
Looks like you're the lucky winner.
Why are you splitting us up? - Because this - is the only way - The judge would - let us leave town.
- Have fun in school - today, suckers.
I'll send you a postcard from Whitehorse.
Reese, figure it out.
It takes 26 hours to get there and 26 hours back.
Your backpack is full of food, and no one ever called Grandma.
Wait a minute.
I'm spending the entire weekend on this bus? (sighs) I'm so glad we're finally here.
I can't believe you made me walk that extra 150 yards.
Trust me, valet parking Even complimentary valet parking is a scam.
Welcome to Lovebirds, a couples resort.
Wow.
Hi.
We have a reservation.
- Could we get to - our room quickly? - I really have to - use the bathroom.
Again.
I'm sorry, but the room we were holding for you is no longer available.
You gave away our room? - I'm sorry, sir.
- You were four hours late, And you didn't call.
But it's my wife.
We have to stop every ten miles - because she has - to pee all the time.
- I do not have to - pee all the time.
Don't worry.
I think we can find you something.
- I don't know - if you've read our brochures, But this is sort of a romantic hideaway for couples.
We know what it is.
Let me see what I can do.
- I have to get - off my feet.
Angela Yes, Warren? Yes? (sighs) I am so sorry.
- I just had - to sit down.
- Don't - don't mind me.
You mind if we turn off that fireplace? - I'm sweating - like a pig.
(sighs) - Well, little man, - you and I have quite - The fun-filled - weekend ahead of us.
Tomorrow morning, there's jazz at the Farmer's Market.
- Then Lifetime is having - an intimate portrait Of Sandy Bullock.
- And tomorrow night, - there's Improv in the Park With a political bent.
Sound fun? - I think I just - want to play.
Play? Well, sure, - we could squeeze in - some play, I guess.
Why don't you go ahead and get that started? - No, I mean play together.
- What do you mean? We can play fort.
Ooh, I don't have Fort.
I have Clue, - but it's a collector's edition, - unopened.
- If you want, - I can show you a picture of it.
No.
You don't have to have fort.
You just do it.
- Didn't you ever play fort - with your friends When you were a kid? Of course I played.
I had friends, plenty of friends.
And you're short.
Come on.
I'll show you.
Hello, ma'am.
This is Mel Jenkins with Transway Bus Lines.
- I don't know how - to tell you this.
I was keeping an eye on your son for you, like you asked, - but when we got out - on the interstate, - He went into the bathroom, - and Well, he must have jumped out the window while we were moving.
- I'd gone 60 miles - before I noticed.
- REESE: - What?! How could you do this to my favorite son? The only one I ever loved is now lying in a ditch somewhere.
Well, I'd better call the coffin store.
Good-bye.
I knew it! I knew if I came back I'd catch you here.
- You can't be trusted - for five seconds, Let alone a whole weekend.
Okay, look, just don't tell Wait a minute.
What are you doing here? Me? I'm here to guard the house from your bad things you're doing.
What's in the bag? Candles - chocolate-covered - strawberries Sleepless in Seattle.
My God, you're gay.
No, I'm not.
- Look, I don't know - how I did it, But I talked Kathy McCulskey into coming over tonight.
Kathy McCulskey? I'm impressed.
She doesn't leave her house - for anything less - than second base.
Which is exactly why we need the house to ourselves.
- I'm sorry, Malcolm.
I'm already - committed to this party.
- Reese, you've seen - enough teenage movies To know how badly this is going to turn out.
I haven't just seen them, I've studied them.
And I found the fatal flaw.
In every one of those movies, - the party was - on a Saturday night.
Mine? Friday.
This gives me an extra day to refill the pool, replace the crystal thing, turn back the odometer, - and get the dead bodies back - in the ground.
Please don't do this to me.
Tell you what, Malcolm.
- I'll try and keep - the front room closet Off limits as long as I can.
I thought we reserved a deluxe suite.
No, ma'am.
- This is the - Petite Sleeper.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- Why do they bother - giving you a confirmation number - If they're just going - to give your room away anyway? Don't be mad at them.
It's not their fault.
Oh, yeah, so it's my fault.
I didn't say that.
- Well, at least - we have a great view Of the parking lot from here.
- At home, I have to crane my neck - to see our car.
Look, you know what? The room is what it is.
So we just have to try to make the best of it.
- We're here.
We have a - little time to ourselves.
Let's find a way to enjoy it, hmm? I have to pee.
Of course you do.
Oh, perfect.
- They promised us - a heart-shaped tub.
We got a tub-shaped tub.
For the love of God, will you take a break? I know you're pregnant.
I know you're uncomfortable.
- I know you're swollen - and puffy and distended And inflated, but you've just got to stop complaining.
- Well, I'm sorry - I'm such a burden.
In another three weeks, - you won't ever have to - suffer through this again.
Well, we don't know that.
What did you say? I said, I'd move the car.
No, you said, - we don't know - that, but, Hal Hal, we do know that, because you had a vasectomy.
Yes, I did.
Oh, my God, you didn't do it! You lied to me.
Just a little.
- Hal, you sat - with an ice pack - On your crotch - for three days.
- Well, that should count - for something.
Hal, we talked about this.
We agreed on this.
No, you agreed on it! I never wanted a vasectomy.
- There are plenty of - other methods out there.
Oh, yeah, they work.
- We've got our - rhythm method child, Our diaphragm child, our condom child.
Oh, yes, and our two abstinence children.
- Lois, you just - don't understand How extraordinarily precious those parts are to me.
Precious?! Hal, give me a break.
You're not that guy.
You've never been that guy.
When it comes to this, every guy is that guy.
C-4.
Hit.
E-4.
Hit.
Hey, you guys want to come to a party at my house? It's going to be amazing.
My parents are gone for the whole weekend.
The whole weekend? You heard me.
Anything goes.
Total freedom, man.
Interesting.
This'll do.
What's this junk? What is going on? - Okay, here's - what's going to happen.
- We have some private business - to conduct.
This is now our garage for the next 48 hours.
- You don't come near it.
- You don't ask about it.
- We get out - before your parents come back.
They never have to find out - that you're the one - who invited us.
- What the hell - are you guys doing? You know, he just explained it really well, - but all I could hear was - my own heartbeat.
Reese, that stuff is See, that's you guys talking, and that doesn't work for me.
- Now, can I trust - that you guys Won't talk, or am I going to have to remove something - to make it physically - impossible? ("Beautiful Dreamer" playing) And that is not the worst part of the operation.
Once they split open your coin purse, they pull out the vas deferens, put it on the table and chop! - And they don't - always get it On the first chop, either.
Chop, chop, chop! - Can I get you guys - another drink? Set us up, will you? (heavy metal blaring) It's been three hours - since these guys - took over our house.
- So far, there's been - a few fires, I've had a bottle thrown at me - and I've even been threatened - with death.
On the other hand, they haven't stopped raving about Reese's bean dip.
So the evening could go either way.
- Did Fast Eddie - like his salmon? In about an hour I'm gonna need - you guys to dump a - 50-gallon drum of Stuff.
Do it quick, don't draw attention to yourselves, - and don't breathe in - when you're doing it.
- Look, it's one thing - to ask us - To stay out - of your business, - But when you try - to involve us Okay.
- Hey, Donnie, the soufflés - are almost up.
- Hmm.
- (doorbell rings) Who the hell is that? I don't know.
It's Oh, no.
Who ordered the girl? - Not me.
- I didn't do it.
Kathy, hi.
Hey.
You didn't tell me there were going to be other guys here.
- Yeah, well - Just 'cause you - Read something - On a bathroom wall - doesn't mean it's true.
No.
Look, these are cousins of mine.
- You know, - friend cousins.
They dropped in unexpectedly.
- So, you know, right now - isn't a good time.
Obviously not.
- We could still do the dinner - and talking part.
God.
Yeah, man, show some class.
Thank you.
Kathy, listen, you have to trust me on this one.
Hey, bring your girlfriend in here.
Yeah.
(laughter) Ready or not, here I come.
(snickering) There you are.
(sobbing) What's wrong? No one ever found me before.
It's because you're such a good hider.
Yeah, that's probably it.
Just put it anywhere.
- We had a hard time - finding this old girl.
- You can imagine we don't get - much call for it, - This being a couples resort - and all.
Uh-huh.
Not sure I even know - how to operate - the dang thing.
- I'm sure you'll - figure it out.
My gosh, I've been here for over 30 years and I ain't never done this before.
- We see all kind - of couples here, But I've never seen - Thank you.
- I'll finish this.
Fine by me.
- I've got to go up - to Room 318 - And fill the bathtub - with rose petals.
(laughter and cheering) Arm.
Five points for Chuck.
Oh! Crotch again.
Chuck, Randy, we got to put in the catalyst.
Okay, we can finish this game later.
Don't sit down, Chuck.
You're still in this.
I think it's a party again.
Are you kidding me? This is a hostage situation.
No.
- Reese, haven't you ever - heard of Stockholm Syndrome? - You're starting to identify - with your captors.
What captors? - These guys saved - my life, man.
- Because they decided - not to kill you.
Same thing.
They made us accessories to some kind of felony.
- They're setting up - a decontamination shower In front of the garage.
And poor Kathy must have been completely traumatized.
Where'd she go anyway? - I'm never going - to forgive myself For dragging her into this.
We have to do something.
- You've got to - relax, Malcolm.
- Some of these guys - are really nice.
- Have you had Big Wanda - tell you your fortune? - Look, we can't handle this - ourselves.
We don't know how to deal - with a whole bunch - of low-life criminals.
We need help.
You guys did the right thing by calling me.
- Sorry to drag you out here - all the way from the ranch.
This shouldn't take long.
They all in there? - Yeah, well, - one of them's - In the bedroom - with Kathy.
Who's Kathy? My date.
Dude.
- What are you - going to do? - How are you going - to get them out? - Whoa, whoa, - slow down.
You got to think these things through.
We're going to handle this real delicately.
When you're dealing with a complex psychological situation, you have to remember - there's a lot - of subtle machinations That come into play.
Donnie? - Francis? What are - you doing here? - I heard you were - in Alaska.
No, I'm working at a ranch now.
How you doing? - You still hanging - out at Kelsey's? - No.
They went - karaoke.
Oh, this town.
So listen, this is my parents' house.
These are my brothers.
- I know you didn't - know that, - But when you and your buddies - took over the place, - You kind of freaked them out - a little bit.
Oh.
- So, maybe you want - to take this someplace else.
Yeah, you know what? That just sounds like it's going to be hard, so no.
- Hey, look, dude - I know you don't want me - To get the cops over here, - do you? - And I'm sure you - wouldn't want me - To tell them who pulled - over the water tower.
That was you, Francis.
Really? Well, then maybe I should tell them about the highway overpass.
That was also you.
Car wash? The sinkhole? All you.
Huh.
Um, okay, well, you guys sit tight and we'll be in the house.
If that's okay.
Well, I think we gave 'em enough to think about.
Hal.
I thought I saw a spider.
You want to just cut our losses and check out in the morning? I guess.
Should we still do the Afterglow Breakfast? Well we gotta eat.
Are you sure I'm not too old for Winky Dinks? - The box says - "For ages eight - And up.
" - Well, I'm right - smack-dab - In the middle - of that window.
(chuckling) What the hell is this? Shh.
We just got them to go to sleep.
- You boys aren't even - supposed to be here - And you're - throwing A coed slumber party? Who's the fat chick? Okay, that's it.
I want everybody out of here! Pronto! Hey! No one tells us what to do.
That's right.
Craig, you might want None of your excuses! You and your little friends are in a boatload of trouble.
(screaming) (wild laughter) (screaming) (crying) - Let's just go back - to Craig's apartment And wait it out till Sunday.
We can't just leave him here! Dewey, there's a principle I learned in military school.
- The needs of the many - outweigh the needs - Of the guy who - can't run fast.
No! We face-painted each other.
I'm not leaving him here.
- Dewey, there's nothing - we can do.
Not the crevice tool! (sobbing) I know what to do.
Seven minutes till checkout.
Do you have the soap, the sewing kit and the stationery? - Got 'em.
- I also got the shampoos And the shoe cloth.
I couldn't find the shower caps.
- I got 'em.
- Good.
Are you coming? No.
This is ridiculous.
We came all this way to have one relaxing, romantic weekend and, and we're more tense than when we left the house.
Well, there's nothing we can do about it now.
Yes, there is.
We've got seven minutes left.
- We paid for it.
- We're going to use it.
How? By doing one nice thing for each other before we go.
And we'd better make it good, because we're not going - to have another chance at it - for 18 years.
Well I suppose I could be persuaded to make a gesture.
Will you rub my feet? I would love to rub your feet.
(chuckles) What can I do for you? Please leave my balls alone.
Okay.
Mmm (knocking) ANDY: Sir? Ma'am? Checkout was two hours ago, and we really do need the room.
(knocking) Hello?! - What the hell do - you think you're doing? I think it would be best if you left now.
That's what you think, huh? (all laugh) (nervous, (high-pitched laugh) Yeah, that's what I think.
Well, I think we're going to take a pass on that.
Okay, Donnie.
Just remember, you drove me to this.
Really? What exactly did we just drive you to? I told.
(laughter and oohing) Oh, you told.
(mock laughter) I called your moms and I told on you.
You called my mommy, hmm? - WOMAN: - Donnie?! Mom? What-what are you doing here? - Trying to hide how ashamed I am - at your behavior - And wondering - where I went wrong.
Ma, come on.
- Your father and I tried - to give you The best life possible, - and this is how - we're paid back? Ma, you don't own me.
- I make my own - decisions now.
These are the decisions you make? This is the life you choose?! - Who's covering - your shift At the suit outlet? Dude you are so busted.
- WOMAN 2: - Don't you be - So smug, David Alan Ferguson.
- Believe me, every one - of your stepfathers Is going to hear about this.
- WOMAN 1: - You say good-bye - To your friends And you get in the car right now! Yeah, see you later.
Uh, bye.
- I forgot how good - it feels to tell.
- MALCOLM: - Yeah, everything was fine.
You know, kind of boring.
Quiet, boring.
Fun, but boring.
Look who I picked up from the bus station - after not having - seen him - Since I dropped - him off.
Canada was wonderful.
I brought bananas back for everybody.
Do you really want to know? - Not really.
- No.