Melissa & Joey s04e18 Episode Script

Do we really have to ski the last run of the day? I'm tired.
What do you suggest, honey? Whining our way down the mountain? Come on! The whole point of this ski trip is to ski.
I thought the point was to wear cute winter outfits and drink hot toddies.
And aren't we pushing our luck? I mean, this peak isn't called "avalanche mountain" for nothing.
It's only called avalanche mountain because of the French explorer who first climbed it: Pierre avalanche.
Now c'mon, the sooner we get down this mountain, the sooner we can start warming ourselves by the fire.
Oh, and drinking those hot toddies.
Fine.
But only because I love you And alcohol.
In that order, right? Let's just go.
All right.
On three.
One, two, three.
Apres-ski! See, honey? What? I can't hear you? What's that noise What's what oh, my God! "Oh, avalanche mountain, it'll be fun.
" You think this is my fault? It was your idea! Sync & Corrections by Darcade Lennox, you promised me on our seventy-fifth anniversary that we could toss this disgusting old couch.
Zander, I'm not throwing it away till Joe and aunt Mel come back home.
They were lost in that avalanche a hundred years ago.
We can never give up hope! You know what, we can.
They're frozen, let it go.
Let it go.
Besides, we have plenty of things to remember them by, besides the embarrassing couch.
Oh, who cares? No one comes over anymore except for the girl scout drones.
Yeah, but the ministry of information cameras They can see us all the time.
Oh, please.
No one's paying attention to a couple of Yeah, but you know, we could give them all something to watch, 'cause I just refilled my My you-know-what pills.
Ooh! Ready.
Computer: You have an unknown guest at the door.
Oh, who could that be? Someone with great timing.
Yes? Howdy there, folks.
I always wanted to see the inside of this old place.
Can we help you? I was just climbing up avalanche mountain, and I believe I found something that belongs to you.
Joe's wallet! Yup.
And there's also this.
Aunt Mel and Joe! Oh, I knew they'd come back! Yay! Now we can get rid of the couch! Oh, thank you so much! Here, let me give you something for your trouble.
$50,000? Thanks a lot.
I can almost buy a cup of coffee.
Oh, you're finally home! Uh-oh.
I'm stuck.
I know you're excited that Joe and aunt Mel's frozen bodies are here And, who wouldn't be? But what are you going to do with them? Defrost them with my microwave app.
Okay, wait! Honey, you sure you want to zap them? Because you might just end up with soggy dead relatives.
They're frozen, not dead.
I've held out hope for a hundred years.
I'm not giving up now.
I told you we shouldn't have done that last ski run! Hey, we got home, didn't we? How did we get home? Aunt Mel, Joe! You're alive! It's us Lennox and Zander.
Why do you look like old people? Because we're old people.
You've been frozen on avalanche mountain for 100 years.
What? I told you! The world has changed a lot since you disappeared.
Like, for instance, now, if you want a glass of wine, all you have to do is this: Ooh! Water into wine.
I love the future.
You expect that to convince me? Okay.
How about this? Multiply.
Ooh, I really love the future! Oh.
You should make some more for everyone else.
You know, it's gonna take a lot more than some cheap magic tricks to convince me this is actually the future.
Okay.
If it's not, then how do you explain This.
Oh my God, it's true.
Aww, I want a robot cat! So, wait a minute, we've really been frozen for 100 years? Wait, that makes me 137.
Damn, I look good! What all did we miss? Oh, wait, wait, wait! Before you tell us, hold on.
Because my bladder just thawed, so I gotta pee really bad.
And because she ended the squirrel wars, President Miley Cyrus Was added to the face of Lexus presents: Mount Rushmore.
Always thought the robots would be the ones to rise up.
Never thought it would be the squirrels.
That's what they were counting on.
Those damn squirrels! So, where is Ryder? He moved to the moon about 50 years ago.
He's in a committed relationship with an artificially intelligent refrigerator.
She always keeps things fresh.
Well, as long as he's happy, you know.
So, what about you guys? What's been going on in your lives? Well, Zander has been a well-respected artist for decades now.
Oh, I'm so glad you stayed serious about your art.
Ah, yes.
I design Emojis.
I created poop with sunglasses, poop with monocle, and of course, weeping poop For when you're feeling really low.
Wow.
You really carved out a niche with the poop.
I sure did.
And, you know, Lennox is at the top of her field as a writer.
Millions of people read her work.
Oh, well, that's no surprise.
Did you write a best-selling novel? Ha! Novels.
I haven't heard that word in a long time.
No.
I write inspirational sayings for the government.
In fact, my most famous one is "don't worry, be happy "Or else.
" That sounds kinda scary.
No, it's not.
Don't worry, be happy Or else.
Why would you write something like that? Because I work for happiness control.
The government makes sure everyone is happy.
See? I don't know about this, guys.
What? No, life is so much better now.
You know, as long as you obey the rules, the government takes care of everything.
Well, you know what? If you guys have adjusted to this new world, I'm sure we'll be happy here as well.
Don't you think, sweetie? Babe, long as I got you, that's really all I need in the world.
Computer: Unauthorized affection.
Unauthorized affection.
Oh, that's one of the rules.
The government decides who you can fall in love with.
That's ridiculous! Come here.
Computer: Knock it off or else.
I wrote that.
So, wait a minute.
I can't kiss my own wife in my own house in this crazy new world? Not until you're approved.
Anyone I kiss approves.
No, Joe.
You don't understand.
Technology has advanced to the point where the government can find your perfect match within hours.
WebMD merged with OkCupid, and, unexpectedly, MySpace to eliminate the guesswork.
The ministry of sex and procreation tests everyone for compatibility, so all marriages are problem-free.
Okay, hold on.
How did you two end up together? Well, we got tested and turns out we're a perfect match.
Really? With all your on-again, off-again history? Well, we got approved by the department of sex and procreation, and S&P is never wrong.
Listen guys, if you want to live in the modern world, you're gonna have to take the government's compatibility test.
Ooh, is it like one of those fun Cosmo quizzes? Sort of, but with blood, urine, and bone marrow.
Wow.
Way to sell it.
No thanks but, you have to take the test.
In fact, my most viewed saying is "you have to take the test.
happy face.
" I designed the happy face.
Which was easy, because life here is so perfect.
What the heck has happened to you guys? What do you mean? I think he means are you guys really fine with all of these restrictive laws? See, happiness control prefers to call them "no-no's," and if you break them, you spend the rest of your life in the joy pit.
But, it's not sad, because we forget your name.
Oh, hey, what are you watching, there, hon? The Simpsons 126th season premiere.
Great.
I will join you.
Both: Aww.
Computer: Unauthorized affection.
Second floor closet.
Unauthorized affection.
We didn't do anything, all right? We didn't do anything! It was all under the shirt, over the bra.
You promised to follow the rules.
Hey, give me a break, all right? Technically, I'm backed up for, like, 100 years.
Computer: An official from the ministry of sex and procreation is at the door for Mel Burke and Joe Longo.
Quick, hide us! They're in here! Thanks a lot, buddy.
Mel Burke and Joe Longo, you were warned earlier, but paid no attention.
What is that? A "no-no"? A federal no-no.
It is now time for you compatibility tests.
Let's begin.
But, look, we've been married a long time.
Can't you just kind of grandfather us in? That's not the way the rules work.
You know what we say: "You have to take the test.
happy face.
" Look, I know Mel and I are perfect for each other, all right? And, I don't know about you, man, but I'm sort of a fan of keeping my bone marrow in my bones.
What do you think this is, the 2040s? We don't take marrow samples anymore.
All you have to do is kiss the Omni.
How many people have kissed that thing? Don't worry.
Between each use, I wipe it down with the cleanest substance on earth.
What's the cleanest substance on earth? Toe fungus.
Hey, what are you doing? Your turn.
No, I'm not putting my lips on toe fungus.
No problem.
I can always use your heat signature.
What? Why didn't I get that choice? And now we wait for the results.
Uh, listen, we know that we're happy together, so you can just Sorry for the wait.
System's a little slow.
No match.
What? I don't care what your little device says, pal, Mel and I are perfect for each other! The state is never wrong.
You know what, we wouldn't be in this mess if you hadn't made us do that last ski run! - Oh, so now you're blaming me? - Yeah.
I wanted to go to Tahiti.
You know what, next time, separate vacations! Okay.
Look at you two argue.
You are clearly not a compatible couple.
Oh, no, we're not arguing.
This is this little banter thing that we do.
You know, it's our thing.
It's cute.
It's not.
But we're married! Not anymore.
Your new mates will arrive via drone in two hours.
Have a nice day.
Or else.
Seems like a sweet guy.
Oww! What the Computer: Please remain in the house until your new mate arrives.
I have tried every door, and every window.
There is no way out of this place.
Why would you want to get out of here? Because Mel and I can't be together! Why would I want to live somewhere where I have no free will? Careful.
You sound like the F.
L.
R.
The what? The Free Love Rebels.
They escaped and started their own colony where they can love whoever they want, and the government doesn't decide anything for them.
It sounds awful.
Wait, is this a real place? Yeah.
It's out west somewhere In the hills, beyond the river.
They call it "Calabasas.
" - Calabasas? - Shh! Don't say the C-word out loud.
S&P really doesn't like it.
Computer: Your perfect mates have arrived at the door.
They're in here! Was that really necessary? I just like to be helpful.
Look, Joe, I promise, no matter what happens, in my heart, you're the only one for me.
Mel Burke? I am Ramon.
Hello, handsome.
- What? - Just being polite.
Oh, I see.
Some super hot guy shows up and suddenly you forget about your one true love.
Heyoo! Hi, Joe.
I'm Linda.
I'm Minda.
Both: We're your new wife.
But, I don't understand? I thought we were each assigned just one perfect mate.
Yes.
But, since we have identical DNA We're both the perfect mate for you.
God bless the future.
Really, Joe? Honey, relax, all right? I'm just playing it up for the cameras.
You know, you'd think after being frozen for a hundred years I'd have some serious muscle atrophy, but it turns out that these guns, they don't rust.
Oh, Joe Tell us more about your workout routine Won't you? Um okay! Those retro stilettos are so elegant and daring Just like the woman who wears them.
Oh, you.
Go on.
And your legs are so smooth.
These old things? I haven't shaved them in decades.
See? Totally perfect matches.
I know.
You know, we think we know what we want, but the government knows best.
Ooh, I need to write that one down.
Your voice is like honey.
Oh, well, aren't you So right.
Hey, hey! What are you doing? What? Oh, honey, I'm just trying to get through this whole thing the best I can.
Computer: Your meetings with your perfect matches have reached completion.
Ramon, ladies, right this way.
Getting to know you has been so delightful.
Ladies.
Well, we made it through our dates.
Now as soon as they leave we can figure out our next move.
Mm-hmm.
Yup.
Our next move regarding what? Getting out of here? Right, yes! Right.
Okay.
It was so great meeting you, Ramon And Linda and Minda.
Oh, the night is just beginning.
Computer: Commence phase two in one minute.
What's phase two? Sex.
You know, doing it.
Boonga-boonga.
Except now we do it in the sex machine.
Sex machine? I don't need a sex machine.
I am a sex machine.
No, this thing is such an improvement.
Makes old sex seem like a chore.
We forgot to explain.
This is how you get married now.
Yeah, you just step inside with your perfect match and consummate.
What if I refuse? Well, then you go to the joy pit.
And trust me, you do not want to know what they make you have sex with in there.
Computer: Mel Burke, please enter the machine for perfect sex with your perfect mate.
Shall we, my dear? But, I don't want to have perfect sex with my perfect mate.
I want Joe.
I don't care if they lock us up, I love you.
Let's show this machine a thing or two.
You don't have to ask me twice, baby.
Hey, you can't Do that! Yow! Look out! Sex machine engaged.
No, no, no.
Aunt Mel, Joe! No, the machine will know.
don't do this! Computer: Unauthorized entry.
Unauthorized entry.
What are they doing? The pleasure levels are too high! They're gonna break the machine! Computer: Yow, get on up! Danger.
Danger.
Circuit overload.
Uh-oh.
I don't want to be associated with rebel activity.
- Let's get out of here - Before happiness control arrives! Omni, emergency power.
Whoa.
My word exactly.
Yeah, great job, guys.
You shorted out all the power in the neighborhood.
You know, it could be hours till the cable guy robot shows up to fix things? Wait a minute! If the power's out Honey, we just did it.
No, no, no, honey, don't you see? That means that we're not being watched! Which means this is our chance to escape! - To where? - To where? Honey, to the one place where our love is not forbidden, the one place where we can truly be free! Calabasas.
What do you say? - Yes! - Come on, we gotta go! - Oh, wait, wait, wait! - Honey, please, I'm sure they're gonna have wine there.
No! No, no, no, I can't go without my family.
Lennox, Zander, you have to come with us.
Lennox and I have a pretty good setup here.
My next Emoji's gonna be huge.
It's poop on the beach.
Aunt Mel, we can't break the rules.
Lennox, honey, you used to love to break the rules.
Don't you remember when you used to write controversial plays? And what about that Cassandra character that you created? I mean, she broke all the rules.
Yeah.
Come with us.
Be who you really are In Calabasas.
Yes! Yes, Aunt Mel, I'll go, but you have to come, too.
If that's what you want, okay, let's do it.
Okay.
Okay, wait, wait a minute.
Just so we're clear, if we're going to the land of free choice, you'll still choose me to be your mate, right? Zander, how many times do I have to tell you? I love you.
Besides, I'm 120 years old.
I don't have a lot of options.
Whew.
Okay, let's go.
Come on.
Oh, look, there it is! We found Calabasas! Man: Who goes there? State your business! It's us.
We wish to live freely here with the rebels.
Uncle Joe? Marco! Marco? Oh.
Great.
Lennox Scanlon? You're a sight for sore eyes.
How is it you haven't aged at all? I got the Longo blood.
See what you have to look forward to? Lennox, you're looking mighty fine yourself.
Let me show you around the verdant valley.
Wait, you know what "verdant" means? In 100 years you pick up some things.
I've become quite literate.
You might even say, "sesquipedalian.
" Oh, Marco.
Hey, uh, Lennox? You know we should probably get back to Toledo.
You know, happiness control is just gonna be lost without you.
Lennox? Oh God! Lennox? Brought my you-know-what pills for nothing! So, here we are, sweetie.
Together forever.
Where do you want to live? Hmm, what about right there by the river? No, by the river? No, that's not gonna be good.
There's gonna be flooding and mosquitoes down there.
How about this, why don't we live up here on the hill, where we have a nice view of the river? No, but if we live up on the hill, then when we want water, we need to walk miles and miles down the the river.
When we could have just walked out our front door, - so, we'll dig a well.
- No, you'll dig a well.
- No, we're gonna dig a well.
- I don't dig.
- We are gonna dig a well.
- I don't dig.
Do you see my nails? Dig your own well.
I'm gonna go live by the river with Ramon.
Honey? Are you okay? What year is it? The same year you went to sleep, sweetie.
I just had the worst dream.
We were skiing, there was an avalanche, then we were in the future, and we couldn't love each other anymore or happiness control would send us to the joy pit.
When did this cough syrup expire? Hey, aunt Mel, we brought you a bowl of chicken soup.
Well, half a bowl.
It's really good.
Lennox, Zander I had the weirdest dream, and you were there, you were there, and you were there.
And I learned that Calabasas is right here in my own back yard.
I'm gonna call the doctor.
I think she's getting worse.
No, no, no, no! It's just that, you know, the dream felt so real.
We were in this scary future.
And we had to have sex in a sex machine.
Sex machine? Honey, what do we need one of those for? I am a sex machine.
That's what you said 100 years from now.
Aww, it's so nice to know you'll never change.
Yeah, listen, I love you, but you're contagious.