NewsRadio (1995) s04e18 Episode Script

[ Lisa .]
What's goin' on? That's what we'd like to know.
The little corporal here has some big news, but he won't tell us what.
I would just prefer to wait till everyone's here, okay? [ Crash .]
Oh.
What's, uh-- What up? Well, um, apparently there was, uh-- there was an accident last night involving the, uh-- the copy machine.
Yeah.
I told you that coffee machine was trouble.
No, Matthew.
The copy machine.
I know.
That's what I said-- the coffee machine.
No, Matthew, the copier, where we make copies.
The "coffier" where we make coffees? - That doesn't even make sense.
- What happened? Um, well, you know that guy Ted from Accounting? No.
You know, Ted.
Uh-uh.
- Ted.
He's in the-- - What department does he work in again? - Accounting.
- I don't know anyone in Accounting.
No.
All right.
Well, anyway, apparently Ted was working here late last night on his own and, uh-- and he got his tie caught in the copy machine.
[ Laughing .]
And-- You're joking, right? [ Joe .]
What a dope.
- No.
- That is so stupid.
"Look at me, I'm Tom.
" Ted.
Ted, whatever.
"Look at me, I'm Ted, and I got a big fat tie, and I wanna make 20 copies of it.
" - He died, Matthew.
- "And I'm dead!" What? Yeah.
Uh, his tie got caught and, uh-- and he choked to death.
[ Chortling .]
Oh, God.
You had me.
You had me right there.
Oh, he's dead.
Thanks for lettin' us use the office.
N-No problem.
[ Chortling .]
Ted? He-- He was n-- Was he new? He must have been new, right? No, no.
He worked here for, uh, five-- uh, six years, actually.
- Ad Sales, did you say? - Accounting.
Apparently he, uh, you know, looked after the books when the, uh-- the main accountant was away.
What did he look like? Ted? Well, uh, he was, uh-- he was-- he was very, um-- Well, if there's no picture here, I-- Look, I didn't know him either, all right? I mean-- You know? Guess he was just one of those guys in Ac-- you know, Accounting or Payroll Services that you never really get to know.
Yeah, until it's too late.
Yeah.
Look, I-I know this is very sad and weird, [ Matthew Exhales .]
so if anybody needs to take the day off, that's, uh-- I completely understand.
All right? No.
That's all right.
You sure? I'll be fine.
Hey, Dave, I-I came as soon as I heard.
I'm kind of in the middle of, uh-- Doesn't matter.
How, uh-- How are you holdin' up, son? I'm-- Well, I'm fine.
Sure you are.
No, no, really.
I'm-I'm-- I mean, I'm-- I'm saddened by the death of another human being, obviously, but, you know, I really didn't know the guy.
Oh, that's cold.
That-That's cold, like that cold mom in Ordinary People who was so cold and emotionless that her son ended up, you know, choppin' her up with an ax at the end of the movie.
That doesn't happen in Ordinary People.
I'm talkin' about the director's cut.
Now, come on.
Come on.
What-What-What's really goin' on in that-- inside that head of yours? Well-- [ Exhales .]
really nothing.
I mean, I'm sorry, sir.
I wish I could give you more, but I just can't.
I didn't know the guy.
No, Dave! No, no.
You can't keep it all bottled up inside like a case of soda pop that's been in the garage too long.
I mean, eventually it's-- it's gonna explode.
[ Chuckles .]
I'm guessin' you learned that the hard way, huh? Oh, yeah, I had root beer, like, yea deep floodin' the whole entire floor of my garage.
It was like a root-beer lake in there.
Why would you ever have that much root beer? Dave, really, I don't think today's the day to, you know, regale you with the story of my world-famous, root-beer Jacuzzi.
I gotta-- I gotta go.
Joe, you're hurting me.
Sorry.
I don't mean to hurt you.
I don't wanna hurt anyone ever again.
Well, what's goin' on? - I killed that dude.
- [ Lisa .]
Who? - That dude, Ted.
I killed him.
- What? [ Clicks Tongue .]
There was a dude named Ted.
He died.
I killed him.
Joe, how could you possibly be responsible for Ted's death? He was alone when he died.
That's how.
Take it.
I modified the document feeder so it would collate faster.
Well, at least Ted didn't die in vain.
[ Lisa .]
Come on, Joe.
Dave didn't mean it.
Now come out of there.
[ Joe .]
No.
I figure if I stayed in here, at least I wouldn't be able to hurt anybody.
Joe, you're not gonna hurt anybody.
Ow! Oh.
Please, don't die! Please, don't die! I'm all right.
I'm all right.
You sure? Yes, I'm fine.
Joe, you gotta stop blaming yourself for this.
Ted's death was nothing but a freak accident.
[ Clicks Tongue .]
No, it wasn't.
Matthew didn't have anything to do with it.
It's all my fault, and that's why I'm in here.
Doing what, exactly? I'm flushin' my tools down the toilet.
Is that possible? I don't know.
I'm tryin'.
Is that your monkey wrench? Yeah.
[ Light, Rapid Knocking .]
[ Continues .]
Come in? Hi, Dave.
I was wondering if you could help me edit this piece on-- - Oh.
I'm sorry.
- What? No, I'll just come back later.
This probably isn't a good time.
- Well, why not? What-- - Well, you're obviously grieving over Ted.
No, I'm just going over these spreadsheets.
I should just let you finish those so you can get back to your grieving.
Matthew, I don't mean to sound callous, but I really didn't know the guy.
I'm fine.
Okay.
You know what? I'm just gonna leave now.
[ Clicks Tongue .]
I'm gonna close the door behind me, and then you can just do whatever you want, okay? Yeah.
And remember, there are no taboos in grieving.
Matthew, Matthew, Matthew, please.
Yeah.
- I am fully capable of doing my job, all right? - No taboos.
So just-- Matthew, Matthew, Matthew.
Come here.
Come here.
Come here.
I didn't know the guy, all right? I-I-I-- I'm fine.
Okay.
I know that you think you are, Dave, but I worked very, very long, very hard on this piece-- [ Stammering .]
and I don't want you to tear it apart just because of some pent-up rage that you have over Ted's death.
No! Math-Math-Matthew-- Give it to me! Oh, my-- What's going on? Dave.
He's-He's venting.
Oh, Dave, that's terrific.
It doesn't matter how it comes out, as long as it comes out.
I-I'm not venting, all right? I was angry at Matthew.
Right.
You're angry at Matthew, but you're not angry with God for taking away your friend Ted.
Look, Ted wasn't my friend.
I didn't know the man.
But now you wish you did know him, right? Sure, naturally, now.
- Okay, good.
This feels good.
Now we're gettin' somewhere.
- No, we're not.
We're not getting anywhere.
In fact, get out.
You know, it looks like Vent City here.
Tell me about it.
Just please-- Just get out.
Remember, Dave, just remember: no taboos.
[ Light, Rapid Knocking .]
[ Sighs .]
[ Continues .]
What? Oh, I thought I heard you crying.
- I'm not crying.
Not crying.
- Okay.
[ Knocking Resumes .]
[ Continues .]
What? But if you do wanna cry, you know that's okay, right? - Thanks.
- You need these? - No.
- Okay.
[ Knocking Resumes .]
Oh, leave me alone! Oh, I'm sorry, Dave.
Should we come back later? No, I'm sorry, sir.
That wasn't for you.
You sure? Because you seem a little upset.
No, I'm not upset at all.
I'm not-- Far from being upset.
I-I'm really quite the opposite, what-whatever that would be.
Oh.
[ Clears Throat .]
Well, see, this is Jack, Ted's roommate from college.
Oh.
Well-- You remember Ted, the guy that died last night? Yes, I remember.
Um, please, have a seat.
So you're not upset about Ted's death? Of course I am.
Sure, I'm upset.
In fact, only moments ago, I was venting my anger at God for, uh, taking away my friend Ted.
Well, you know-- Well, basically, Ted's family asked me to give the eulogy at his funeral, so, uh, I flew in this morning, and here I am.
[ Stammering .]
Wh-Wha-- D-Do you mean to say that the actual service is gonna be here in the office? No, of course not.
- Oh, because-- - Why would anyone hold a funeral in an office building? Well, it's just you were saying-- Yeah, I was saying that, uh, after college Ted and I kind of lost touch, so, uh, I was hopin' some of his coworkers could, you know, fill me in on the last few years of his life, give me some good Ted stories.
- Oh, w-well, that's-- that's very thoughtful.
- Thanks.
So, do you, uh-- Oh, oh.
Uh, n-no, I'm really not the person-- No, I mean, it doesn't have to be a great anecdote.
Just anything at all.
Just-- Jack, um, I'm gonna be completely honest with you here, all right? Uh-- [ Sighs .]
I really didn't know Ted at all.
He seems like a great guy.
Well, thank you for calling.
Hey, I hear someone's in the market for a few good Ted stories.
Yes, that is correct.
Then walk this way through the gates of Ted-dom into Bill's secret repository of tasty Ted-bits and fond Ted-memberances.
- [ Jack .]
Great.
Thank you.
- Oh, and please forgive Dave.
He's wearing a mask of callousness to hide his grief.
You know what they say: "Little man, big emotion.
" Never heard that before.
Well, I'm part Cherokee.
Hell of a guy.
One of the bravest sons of bitches I ever knew.
Best man in the world to be stuck in a foxhole with.
He took a bullet for me in the battle for San Luis Obispo.
- Is there anything else you remember about him? - Nope.
You know, did Ted have a-- a favorite song or book, movie, anything? [ Laughs .]
No.
You know who you should talk to about this is, uh-- is Beth.
Hang on.
So you wanted to, uh-- talk about Ted, huh? Yeah.
But if it's too soon for you to talk, we can do this later.
No, I'm fine.
It's fine.
I mean-- It's weird, you know.
I think no matter how well you know a person, I think you always wish you knew 'em better.
Oh, yeah.
It's hard.
It's hard.
I mean, each week someone is leaving, you know, or someone new arrives.
It's like, Catherine was here.
And then, you know, she left, and now we hardly even talk about her anymore, which-- [ Muttering .]
You okay, 'cause-- [ Sobbing .]
I'm fine.
I just-- I miss Catherine, you know? I miss her so much! It's weird.
Of course you do.
Um, about Ted-- You know, you can't know everybody.
You know? You just can't.
I mean-- Take that guy for example.
I mean, he's probably worked here for years.
I've never met him.
Who are you, sir? What goes on in your little world? [ Chuckles .]
What are you doing at my desk? Hey, get out of my purse! Okay, Joe.
You just have to get back on the horse.
I can't do it.
Yes, you can.
Look, I salvaged your favorite monkey wrench.
Ew.
You fished it out of the toilet? [ Groaning .]
Well, I rinsed it off.
Forget it.
I'll never work with my hands again.
What, are you gonna use your feet? Joe, one time when I was a young man-- I have a question.
Matthew, not now.
Quick question.
How are you gonna pick your nose? I'm not gonna pick my nose.
Yeah, I've said that about a thousand times.
[ Sighs .]
Joe, I can say this without any exaggeration.
You are one of the top three most indispensable people working in this station.
Are you serious, dude? This dude has never been more serious, dude.
Oh, sorry.
Uh, Matthew, that guy's friend wants to talk to you.
Oh, good.
Excuse me.
Will you guys just leave me alone? All right.
You killed Ted.
Big deal.
Am I right? Don't get me wrong.
I'm as upset as anybody about this.
Bill-- All right.
Except for Dave.
Sorry, big guy.
[ Mouthing Words .]
Hey, Joe.
I know right now you're feeling very confu-- Ew! Who fished the monkey wrench out of the toilet? [ Jimmy, Dave .]
Lisa.
You know, toilet water is, like, almost the same as water that comes out of the faucet.
You know, ever since-- [ Clears Throat .]
Ted died, I've been really upset and all.
And I actually wrote a song t-to help me.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Can I sing it to you? 'Cause it really helps me.
Yeah.
No, please.
Yeah, good.
Okay.
[ Clears Throat .]
Ted [ Vocalizing .]
He's dead [ Vocalizing .]
And the hobbits and the gnomes They're dancing to and fro They have to keep the plus-two sword From the chaotic evil thief lord Now we're rockin' Now we're really rockin' Now we're really, really really, really rockin' [ Imitating Electric Guitar .]
See, that's the chorus.
It goes on and on and on.
Uh, verse two.
But one day Ted met an elf named Matthew Okay, e-enough is enough, all right? What happened to Ted was a freak accident, and I can prove it.
Yeah, right.
Yes, yes.
I'm gonna use the copier exactly the way Ted did that night.
No! P-Please don't! No, Joe.
- Okay now.
Let's just turn on the copier.
- [ Clicks On .]
It's all right.
Okay? Then we'll feed in the paper, all right? Not dead yet.
All right.
What do you say we just hit "copy"? [ Whirring .]
There you go.
It's workin' pretty well, you know, and look.
Even if I dangle my tie over top of here, nothin' happens.
Right? Nothin' happens.
What happened to Ted was a-- was a freak accident.
No matter how hard I try-- Look, look.
No matter how hard I try to recreate it, I can't.
It's just not going to happen, Joe.
[ Whirring .]
[ Joe .]
Yeah, I guess.
Off the hook, eh, compadre? I guess so.
Thanks, Dave.
No problem, Joe.
Hey, Joe, the demonstration's over, so what do you say you get back to work, huh? You doin' all right, Dave? Yeah, fine.
[ Together .]
Oh, my God! Get away.
Get away! Get away.
Get away.
Look, this may bear some superficial similarities to what happened to Ted, but I'm sure that it's really quite a different situation, all right? [ Grunting .]
But Balrog the dragon Was a clever beast Matthew's vorpal sword of sharpness was no match 'Scuse me.
'Scuse me.
'Scuse me.
'Scuse me.
Wait, wait-- What? - How many verses does this song have? - Thirty.
Do any of them have anything to do with Ted? Uh, I wish.
I wish.
But no.
But Matthew's mithril chain mail Really rocked the house [ Imitating Electric Guitar .]
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I got verse seven comin' right now.
[ Beth .]
Just have a seat.
Here we go.
Okay.
Get you some coffee.
Okay.
All right, now.
Let's just review what we've learned in this little demonstration, okay? Okay now.
Here we go.
Had Ted simply dragged the photocopier over to Beth's desk, retrieved a pair of scissors and cut himself loose from the machinery-- Just take-- It's hot.
then he would h-- he would have been able to avoid his untimely and fatal accident.
And I emphasize the word "accident.
" That's it, you guys.
I'm gonna get to the bottom of this thing.
- What are you gonna do? - I'm gonna open it up and fix it - and keep it from killin' again.
- Yea! That's the Joe we know.
Get to it, slugger.
Ew.
I don't want that! You know, my dog used to drink out of the toilet all the time and nothing happened to her.
Hold on a sec.
There's a paper jam in here.
[ Lisa .]
What is it? It's a note from Ted.
Huh? Let me see.
[ Groans .]
"Dear everyone, "I've decided to take my own life.
"I have modified the copy machine so that it provides a quick and painless death.
" Yeah.
"Details on how to do this may be obtained "on the Web "May the Force be with you.
Ted from Accounting.
" Well, so I really didn't kill him.
Well, we never thought you did.
I was startin' to think he did.
You know, Joseph, the road of life has many twists and turns.
We can't know what we-- [ Clatters .]
Hey.
Oh, hey.
Uh, headin' off? Yeah, yeah.
Just came to say good-bye.
Oh.
Well, I-I-- I hope you got some good Ted stories.
Well, not really.
It seems like, uh, no one really knew Ted very well-- or at all, even.
Yeah, I was kind of afraid that might happen.
Well, I'm not surprised.
He was a tough guy to get to know.
That he was.
Yeah.
Well, truth be told, I hardly knew him myself.
Oh.
I'm just doin' this 'cause, uh, I guess his family couldn't find anyone else.
Guy was kind of an ass.
I thought you two were roommates.
Well, not by choice.
Between you and me, the guy bugged the crap out of me.
Really, I-- I avoided him like the plague.
Be that as it may, let's have a little respect for the man now, huh? Well, just tellin' it like it is.
No, you're not.
Not telling it like it is.
Look, I may not have known Ted well while he was alive, but, you know, he was a human being.
And apparently one in a great deal of pain, and he deserves our-our-our compassion and our respect! And damn it, he was a Star Wars fan! And you-you have the-the nerve, the gall to call him an ass! I mean, you have no right to be giving his eulogy! I couldn't agree with you more.
Hah! [ Scoffs .]
Bravo.
Huh? Bravo.
You did it, son.
Finally let out all that rage and sorrow you felt over Ted's death.
Huh.
I-I guess you're right.
I guess-- I guess Ted's death did affect me.
That's w-weird, isn't it? No, it's not w-- It's actually quite normal.
You th-- Yeah? I guess so.
Yeah.
Yeah, I suppose.
So-- [ Exhales .]
So.
So.
[ Sighs .]
Whoo.
Who is gonna give that, uh, eulogy? [ Organ .]
I can't claim that I knew Ted well, but I do know that he had his passions.
Star Wars was one.
And apparently he was also a devoted member of the Ku Klux Klan.
A fact I only learned moments ago.
Sure wish someone had mentioned it.
But there you have it.
Oh, it says here that he also loved tennis.