Raising Hope s04e18 Episode Script

Hey, guys, we're here.
Hey.
What is the matter with you? Homemade teeth whitening.
Put a drop of bleach and some baking soda in our Halloween teeth.
And wham bam, our chiclets are whiter than the cast of "Downtown" Abbey.
If we're gonna be on TV, we got to look good.
This telethon is gonna be seen by literally dozens of people.
Oh, right.
The telethon is this year.
A telethon for what? I don't know what's it's for.
Schools or disease or people who drowned in that salami.
The important thing is they get their money and we finally get to sing our song on TV! For years, Burt and I tried to perform our special song on Natesville's Quad-Annual Telethon.
This is it, Virginia, we're up next.
Are you ready? No, I think it's a higher register, like No.
I'm having our baby.
No But no matter how many times we tried, something always seemed to go wrong.
Also, we just want to thank Ploppies Fish Dogs for feeding all of our hardworking volunteers with their wonderful fish-based sausage products.
And now, it's time for a little song from Virginia and Burt Chance.
Good evening, Natesville.
What a treat it is to be here for this wonderful cause.
Now we'd like to sing a song for you.
Who likes rock and roll? A-one, a-two Fish bone.
Fish fish bone.
Okay, I know we tried this before, but back again this year, Virginia and Burt Chance Great cause.
Right to the song.
And a-one, and a-two Breaking news.
This just in This is the first telethon since we became friends with Barney.
So we are guaranteed to get on the air.
Why's it such a big deal to sing your song on a local telethon? We know we're amazing singers.
But now, through the magic of television the whole world will know.
This will finally legitimize us as people.
I think you guys might be putting too much weight on TV.
It's just a bunch of people saying clever quips followed by a catchy theme song.
Whoo! Uh-oh.
Bad news.
Either Gil has learned to do the sidestroke, or he's dead.
Oh, no.
Poor Hope-- she's gonna be so upset.
We need your help.
We're in the middle of a crisis, Mom.
Hope's goldfish died.
That's not a crisis.
A crisis is when they move your favorite show to Friday night.
Now I don't know whether Booth and Bones are still boning on Bones.
Or when your granddaughter swallows a marble and you go to the hospital, and then you realize you forgot to VCR your favorite show.
Bones.
Wait, did that actually happen to Hope? Don't change the subject.
So about this dead fish, here's what you do: don't tell Hope and just replace it with one that looks exactly the same.
That's what they do on TV; it works every time.
Yeah, when they do that though, it always leads to complications no one expected.
Yeah, but those complications always lead to a funny and heartwarming ending.
Every time.
Or we could take this opportunity to teach our daughter about death.
You guys, not everybody has to live their lives like they're characters on a television show.
What you just said, that's so Raven.
Wait, so what's happening now? I invited my new boss over for dinner tonight, so I need to pretend that Burt and I live here and you guys are the maid and butler.
Yeah, we're not doing that.
We already have a full house.
I don't want to spend the whole night trying to figure out who's the boss.
Especially when we have family matters to discuss.
Fine, but we need to borrow your dining room table.
'Cause not all of us were born with silver spoons in our mouths.
Good times.
This dinner is my opportunity to show Louise I have what it takes to be Regional Assistant Manager.
Don't be nervous, just be yourself.
What are you, crazy? I can't be myself and neither can you.
We got to be whatever they want us to be.
Whatever they say or do, just go with it.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Virginia! Louise! Oh! Oh, and who's this smoking hunk of beef? Uh, my husband, Burt.
And who's this slow roasted pork shoulder? You're doing great.
That's my husband, Talon.
And I know it looks like there's a big age difference, but that's just because I can still pull young tail.
I hope everybody likes Howdy's special blend of instant dark roast.
I do, but none for Talon.
Too bitter.
Oh, hey, you got any of that hot chocolate with the, uh, little marshmallows in it? Uh I've got chocolate syrup and water, and I can pick the marshmallow charms out of the cereal.
Works for Talon.
You remember what we talked about? No third person? Now, go help Burt.
Ladies need to talk business.
So, what's your allowance? Would you like some cream? No, I take it black.
No, I know.
Me, too.
Of course.
Yeah.
Mmm.
You know, Virginia Yeah.
I started out as a maid, just like you.
You remind me a lot of myself.
Yeah, there's not a lot of white blonde maids.
Virginia, that's a little racist.
Uh-huh.
I love it.
And I like you! We should get to know each other better.
You like squash? Squash.
I Well, I love squash.
Mm-hmm.
Squash is a game? I guess so.
That makes no sense.
I know.
If any vegetable deserves its own game, it's the potato.
It's the basis of everything delicious.
It's given us the baked, the mashed, the fried, the totted.
What is squash? Au gratin.
Looks like a rich man's handball, and they play with these skinny little tennis racquets.
Oh, no.
Ugh.
If I'm horrible, I'll make a fool of myself and ruin all the progress I just made with my new boss.
My career will be over before it's even started.
This is a complication that was entirely unexpected.
Lord.
After hitting the front wall first, the ball may hit any other number of walls before landing in the opponent's quarter court.
I'm telling you, this game would be a lot more fun if it was just people throwing squashes at each other.
How about fat people sitting on each other? That's two games right there that deserve to be called squash more than this one.
Yeah, I think I'm just gonna Ow! Ow, my ankle! Are you okay? Great, you bought it.
Now I can fake an injury.
No, I didn't buy it.
I just thought we were role playing, uh, injured lady and paramedic who likes to hook up with injured lady.
No, but keep that one filed away.
I found my old squash racquet.
Yeah.
Oh.
I have got a lot of really great squash stories.
So, how's it going with the fish? Being honest was a bust.
Knew it.
Told you since you were a kid, truth is overrated.
Yeah, about that fish-- tell us exactly what happened.
We had a funeral.
Please watch over Gilly as he swims in that great bowl in the sky, and Well, now that she's flushed him, in order to replace him, you're gonna have to tell her that it swam through the pipes and up the sink.
Kids are dumb.
They'll believe anything.
No, it's not that hard to believe.
I remember when I was a kid, my fish swam out of the sink at least five Aw, man.
See? See, that is how a little girl should react when her pet dies.
But Hope-- she just giggled.
It was creepy.
Well, she is the child of a serial killer.
I love her, but I got to admit, when I'm alone with her, I always have an exit strategy.
It was our fault.
I mean, we never made her take care of it, so she never connected emotionally.
Right.
So we got her Gilly the Second.
And this time she's been feeding it and taking care of it.
I'm sure that's gonna help her forge a bond.
Yeah.
So when it dies, she'll cry.
Instead of laughing and flushing it down the toilet with her dead shark eyes.
Dead fish.
Dead fish.
What? Ugh.
We just bought that fish yesterday.
Flush the fish.
Flush the fish.
I'm scared to say it, but I think she's taking after her mother.
I-I'm sure she just didn't connect with it because she can't hold it or pet it.
I mean, you can't hug a fish.
Something my parents should have told me before giving me Guppy Goldberg-- may she rest in peace.
Maybe we should just get her a pet that's cuddlier than a fish.
You know? Something soft, but durable.
Like a pioneer woman.
Okay, one, I was talking about a hamster.
Two, your Dr.
Quinn fantasy is not happening.
It's a local telethon, Josie; we don't have enough space to recreate The Hunger Games.
You suck, Barney.
Well, I Oh, great, you're here.
You and Virginia ready to rehearse? Well, Virginia's not here yet.
But she will be here soon, and I promise we'll be ready to rock.
This means a lot to both of us.
Oh, well, great.
Well, let me know when she arrives, because we're rehearsing in order, and you're on right after Dancin' Dan jumps the shark.
Oh, come on, Barney.
You know no one's gonna be watching after Dancin' Dan jumps the shark.
Everyone will stop watching long before that.
Probably sometime during the act when Seamus O'Flathery counts to a thousand in a Mexican accent.
Give a nice warm welcome to Wow.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
I thought "The Meat Locker" was a weird name for a sports club.
This makes a lot more sense.
I tell my husband I'm "playing squash" because I don't want him to know I'm coming here.
For business.
Here's your meat money.
Use it wisely.
Well, thank you.
Yeah, strip clubs aren't really my idea of fun.
We're here to entertain the Nakamura sisters.
Just help me close the deal, and you'll be cruising in one of those sweet pink company sedans in no time.
I've always wanted the status that goes along with riding around town in one of those.
Well, here's your chance to get it.
Now go over there and show those Nakamura sisters how to have a good time.
No problem.
I speak a little Japanese.
Really? Yeah.
Spend 25 years watching Japanese horror movies, you pick up a thing or two.
Well Hey, Virginia, where have you been? I'm sorry, Burt.
I know I missed rehearsal for the telethon.
Louise dragged me to a male strip club.
What? What about your fear of man thongs? Louise says in order to be successful you need to conquer your fears.
Besides, they didn't keep 'em on for very long.
Hey, you remember little Billy Watkins who used to live down the street? Sure.
Well, he's all grown up now.
Why would your boss take you to a place like that? Because she's teaching me that business doesn't just get done in the boardroom.
It happens at the Steak House, the Nineteenth Hole, and the Old Boys' Club, which, by the way, are also male strip clubs.
What Natesville lacks in adult literacy, it makes up for in adult entertainment.
Louise thinks I have it in me to be more than just crew chief.
She thinks I could climb all the way to the top.
Apparently, there's a beautiful glass ceiling up there.
A glass ceiling? That sounds dangerous.
I'm surprised they'd let a woman up there.
Right? Anyway, I'm exhausted.
Hey, we got to practice our song.
We'll be fine.
Oh, and I got to meet you at the telethon tomorrow.
I got a meeting at the Meat Locker.
And before that we're gonna grab a bite at the Sausage Factory, which I'm praying is a breakfast place.
Thanks again for letting us use one of your mice as a pet for Hope.
And we promise, we'll make a good home for Mr.
Whiskers.
Please.
Mr.
Whiskers was his father.
He prefers to be called Len.
Huh.
I was gonna feed him to my snake anyway.
Doesn't naming him make it harder to feed him to your snake? Some people feel that way, but I believe it gives him a quiet dignity in death.
Hey, Hope! You want to come meet your new best friend? All right.
Look, sweetie.
Isn't it adorable? You want to touch him? He doesn't bite.
No.
Whoa.
Your kid is cold.
Even I think Len's cute, and I was gonna watch him get slowly digested over ten hours.
Come on, Natesville.
If you donate over ten dollars, we'll send you this wonderful Howdy's tote bag.
Son of a bitch! I think that freakin' can broke my toe.
You guys are up next, Burt.
But Virginia's not here yet.
I can't go on without her.
Where is she? I don't know.
She promised she'd be here.
Well, she's not and we can't wait.
White Morgan Freeman is almost finished miming all of regular Morgan Freeman's greatest roles.
See? He's done his Driving Miss Daisy.
And his Shawshank is just him air-hugging Tim Robbins.
Hey.
Go tell Dancin' Dan and the shark to get ready.
Oh, come on.
Thanks, Jackhammer.
Nice to see you, Mrs.
Chance.
You, too, Billy.
Tell your mom I said hi.
Will do.
So, like I was saying, Knock Knock Knock has the lowest prices, the pinkest uniforms, and we hate dolphins, too.
Hey, uh, FYI, the dolphin talk is kind of a sensitive subject.
Oh, gotcha.
Yeah.
So, um, hey, Pearl Harbor.
What a great movie, huh? You are killing it.
Kyoko told me she wants to fly us to Vegas on her father's jet.
Hey, ladies, I think there might be a storm front moving in, because here comes the rain! How about you? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, my God! I forgot! I-I have to go.
Um, I'm supposed to be at the telethon with Burt.
You can't leave.
This is business.
I'll just be a few minutes.
Really.
I promised my husband.
Husbands are expendable.
You think Talon's my first husband? He's not even my first Talon.
Besides, you can do a lot better than Burt.
Now, you just stay put and earn that pink sedan.
Listen, lady, you can take that pink sedan and park it in your brown garage.
For your information, my garage is bleached.
I'm gonna give you one more chance to sit down and let some strange man rub his junk all over you, or you can forget about that promotion.
There's only one strange man I let rub his junk on me, and that's my slow cousin Jeffrey, because he doesn't know any better.
Did I make it? Yeah.
Yeah, Dan, you made it.
It's now or never.
You and Virginia are on, Burt.
I can't.
She's still not here.
Well, we got to put something on the air.
Right now, the people at home are just watching a dazed shark eat a cape.
The pledges have stopped, Burt.
We have got to move that tote board.
Wait.
This is on TV.
That means everything has to work out.
Virginia's gonna burst through that door any second.
Right now! Or now! Now? Geez, Burt, you're bringing me down even more than that act that was a six-year-old girl talking about her parents' divorce.
Nobody move.
It's the cops.
This club is operating without a license.
We're gonna need statements from all of you.
I can't believe this.
I'm stuck in the Meat Locker! Uh this is a little song I usually sing with my wife.
Tonight, I'm going solo.
I think it should work out just the same.
Don't go breaking my heart Oh, honey, if I get restless Don't go breaking my heart Oh, honey, when you knock on my door Hey, Hope, look.
Now that Len can follow you in his go-ball, you two can be best friends! Jimmy, this is pointless.
I really don't think Hope cares.
I mean, look at this drawing that she's doing.
That's interesting.
I'll call Frank to pick up Len.
In the meantime, I'm gonna move him somewhere safer.
Oh, my God.
Jimmy.
Daddy! I'm okay.
Oh.
Well, she does care about one stupid animal.
Me.
Can we go to the concussion? I think I have a hospital.
Don't go breaking my heart I won't go breaking your heart Okay, thank you, Burt Chance, for those seven renditions of "Don't Go Breaking My Heart.
" People are taking back their donations.
I'm sorry, Barney; I thought she'd be here by now.
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry.
I really screwed up tonight.
That's okay.
I knew you'd come.
No, it's not okay.
I got so caught up in my job that I forgot about what's important.
Well, what about your promotion and your pink car and your glass ceiling? None of that matters, Burt.
I'm so sorry.
I got seduced by the glamour of assistant regional management.
But I'm gonna make a pledge.
I'll never stand you up again.
Keep kissing! People love it! Grope her for charity! Do you mind singing our song one last time? I'd love to.
Oh, yeah! We did it! We're all going home! Good night, Natesville! Roll the credits! Thank you for your pledges.
Make sure to visit the Museum of Medical Devices.
From here on out, it's just Barney and Dan beating a shark to death on live TV.
But you didn't get to sing your song together.
The important thing is we learned something about our relationship that we wouldn't have learned if we'd never been on TV.
Like I learned that you can't let focusing on your job get in the way of being together.
And it worked out in a clever and unexpected way because we did it the way they do on TV.
We didn't replace Hope's fish with a look-alike, and everything worked out great for us, too.
Yeah.
And it turns out Hope does have compassion.
She's just not a pet person.
You two did everything the way they do it on TV.
You just don't know it.
What you talking 'bout? Perhaps you remember a show called That's My Munchkin.
That's not a real show.
Actually, it was.
I loved That's My Munchkin.
They only made four episodes, but Jimmy watched every one about a thousand times.
Don't worry, Buddy, you'll be safe up here.
Whoa! Oh, no! Oh, my God, are you okay? Daddy! Well, looks like she does care about one stupid animal.
Me.
I love you, Daddy.
That's my munchkin! Now can we go to the concussion? I think I might have a hospital.
It's not the same.
That's just a coincidence.
Maybe you're right.
I guess your lives really don't resemble anything on TV.
So, what's everybody up to next week? Not much.
I'm gonna pretend to be Barney's girlfriend while his moms come to visit town.
Hmm.
I got to go meet my pregnant friend in an elevator.
We couldn't think of anything new to do, so we're just gonna make a family video.
You know, clip together some of our favorite moments from over the years.
That sounds boring.
Oh, no.
We're gonna talk in between the clips to spice it up a little.
Oh.