Scrubs s04e18 Episode Script

Kylie wanted to take things slowly.
So, 17 dates in, I was embroiled in the world's longest make-out session.
- Too much kissing? - No.
Come on, I still have a little saliva left.
As I felt the onslaught of a vicious tongue cramp I decided it was time to let Kylie see my favourite dance.
The "for God's sake, invite me to stay over" dance.
We all know where that ends.
The dance begins with a subtle hint.
I am so pooped.
Step two, sashay her into sympathy.
- It's chilly out there.
- It is cold.
Finally, sweep her off her feet with vulnerable cuteness.
You know what I call this weather? Snuggle weather.
Tip the band leader and fluff up the pillows, because this dance is done.
You should go.
Yeah, hit the bricks, bitch.
You got no game.
I wasn't the only one with relationship trouble.
Lately, Turk and Carla had lost their sizzle.
As a couple, when you reach a roadblock, you can do one of two things: Look inward, try and solve your problems together or blame someone else.
- You have to move out.
- What? Is this about the bra catapult? If it's a big deal, I can throw my own water balloons.
- I don't need those C-cups.
- We're newlyweds.
That's hard enough and when you're around Tell him, Turk.
You're all up in our space! What? When have I ever been all up in your space? This is nice.
Sorry about the twosie, guys.
And here I thought that was a lovely evening.
We're all adults here, so I guess I'll just bid you guys adieu and gather my things quietly, starting with my cable box.
Guys, guys, guys.
You've been working here two years.
Why am I teaching you the same stuff? I want to see you apply light pressure in small circles.
Can we take a break? The sun is scorching, and I'm very fair-skinned.
You've only been out here for eight minutes.
Whatever.
The intern car wash.
You saving up so you can finally get those pec implants replaced? Ron is coming to town today.
Speaking of which, I need to see you put on something a bit nicer.
You know, this whole competition thing you have with your high school buddy it is very, very boring.
You were homecoming king, he was prom king.
You went to medical school, he went to business school.
You got divorced, he got divorced.
Yeah, but he never has to see his wife anymore so he's got me beat on that one.
Look, I am not going to let this weekend become about who's a bigger man.
Ron's bringing his kid.
I can't wait to meet the child.
When he comes here in his crappy rent-a-car and gets a look at my hand-polished Porsche - Naturally, I'll have the lead.
- Very exciting.
Hey.
Hey, guys.
I know the chopper seems a bit much, but there was crazy traffic so I had my assistant drive my rental car from the airport.
Well, it hardly seems worth it now, but what the hell? So, Per, what are you driving these days? - Well, that old girl needs a wash.
- Thank you, Ron.
I can't believe they are kicking me out.
At 15, my parents threatened the same thing.
- I called them on it.
- They let you stay? Nope.
I lived with the Babcock's for two years.
I didn't have any rules because they were old and thought I was a ghost.
All right, Carla calls the shots.
Appeal to her rational side.
Carla, I understand you guys need space but with work and my financial situation finding a new place is going to be minimum, two to four years.
Come on.
Aren't there other married couples who want to live with a 29-year-old man? She called me a man.
OK, time to play the best-friend card.
I've always had your back, you always had mine.
- You want to do this? - It was my idea.
- I banged your first girlfriend.
- Chantal? Now, look, I need a favour.
Let me try it, I'll move out for a week.
If you still like it, I'll move out for good.
- Agreed.
- All right.
And don't worry about John Dorian because I may be poor in pocket but I'm rich in friends.
I need to crash at your place for a week.
- Nope.
- That's OK.
When God closes a window, he opens a door.
I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you sleeping here.
Kylie, I hear you.
But trust me, this week is not going to be about sex.
Though I think that's where we'd like our relationship to end up, right? So, what do you say? It's good to see you, buddy.
It is great to see you, I'll tell you that.
Looks like we're in a walk and hug here.
What say we? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So look at you, Mr Big Time Doctor.
How about you, Mr Big Time - I don't actually know what you do.
- I've told you 100 times.
I run mergers and acquisitions for a large private equity hedge fund.
- You've forgotten already.
- No.
You do hedge clippings for a big farm.
You privately acquire hedgehogs.
You got a hog farm.
Give me a break.
Tell me this, how's that super sexy mother of yours? Your crush on my mom was cute when we were 14, but the woman's 85 now.
You need to back off or ask her out to dinner.
I'll have her pop in her "going out" teeth, you can see if there's a spark.
- Jordan.
- Hi.
- Will you be joining us for dinner? - No way.
When we go out, the whole night is a giant pissing contest.
No, it doesn't.
First one who tags the dog wins.
Count it.
I've seen that dog around the neighbourhood.
- I think we killed its spirit.
- Yeah.
Bring Nathan over tonight.
The kids can play.
We can forget all about this competition crap.
- I'd like that.
- So would I.
Jack is going to kick Nathan's ass at playing.
Crazy.
How great is it not having J.
D.
Around, huh? So great.
So great.
- Now what? - Well, let's see.
Did it on the couch.
Did it in the kitchen.
- Oh, yes.
We did.
- Want to do it on J.
D.
's bed? I think it's about time someone did.
Do you really want to have more sex? No, I didn't even want to do it in the kitchen.
Well, what do we do now? When J.
D.
And I are bored, we play "toe or finger".
Close your eyes.
I run either a toe or finger underneath your nose and you try to guess which one it is, huh? Fine.
What do you want to do? Usually when J.
D.
Gets off work, we gossip about hospital stuff.
- Baby, that sounds a little immature.
- OK! Then what the hell are we supposed to do? Hi, guys.
Thanks for inviting me over.
Thanks for letting us crash here.
Todd's not accustomed to receiving gentleman callers.
OK.
Oh, cool picture.
Which one of those guys is you? Oh, I don't swim.
So there's only one rule if you're going to stay at El Casa de Todd.
You got to hammock up.
Oh, I don't have one of those, Todd.
No problem.
What are you, about a medium? - Extra-medium.
- This will work.
And it'll look good too.
All right, Jack, listen to me.
Ron's in the bathroom diapering his kid.
When he gets out, it's playtime.
And, son, lately your colouring's been sloppy and your Elmo Song, well unfortunately, it's lacked heart.
Now you and I, we both know that your super-secret, go-to toy are your building blocks.
Well, it's time to shine, Jackie Cox.
It is time to shine.
Earn Daddy's love on three.
- 27-second diaper change.
- I can change a diaper in 20 seconds.
- Oh, my God.
- Say, Ronnie what say we let the kids play for a while? They could play with, oh, I don't know how about the building blocks that Jack very rarely ever even touches? You know, Nathan is actually in the 90th percentile in height.
Jack's only in the 85th.
Of course, he's in the 99th for head size.
Congratulations.
Your son's the Hamburgler.
Head size is directly related to intelligence.
Really? Jack, get the bucket off.
And Laverne told me that Nurse Tisdale is sleeping with that married albino radiologist.
- Oh, I feel so bad for his wife.
- Elliot! It's not about empathy, it's about judging people.
Can't we do something else? I said I don't want to play that game.
OK, I vote Elliot goes home because she's all up in our space! She's in our space.
Why? Because I won't dish about others or smell your toe? Or finger.
All I've seen so far is the toe, Turk! See you tomorrow, guys.
Look, Perry, we just have to accept Jack the way he is love him unconditionally and enrol him in some sort of block-building class.
- Look at these things, Jordan.
- Yeah? The colour coordination, the The symmetry.
A two-year-old shouldn't be able to do this.
What are you trying to say? They say admitting there's a problem is half the battle even if it's something you didn't expect.
What is wrong with you guys? We miss J.
D.
When warning signs are in front of you, there's no denying the truth.
Nathan has classic signs of autism.
Nathan doesn't make eye contact, barely speaks, freaks out when you cuddle him.
I mean, hell, if he was an adult, he'd be, well you know, me.
Those behaviours in a child could point towards autism.
- It's obvious what we have to do.
- Grit our teeth get through the weekend, never speak to Ron? Exactly.
- I can't believe what I just heard! - The ticking of your biological clock leading you towards the corner of Celibate and Spinster Way? Sometimes it's great to already have a bastard child.
- You said it.
- You know, it is our obligation as doctors to tell someone if there is a problem.
And I will bring a child into this world when I am ready not when society dictates I must.
Good God, you smell like baby.
I've only actually met the child once so I think it's important we figure out a way to spend some alone time with him.
Perry, if I'm going to be spending a lot of time with someone else's child it's going to be with our neighbour's 17-year-old.
And don't think he hasn't asked.
Oh.
Pablo.
Hello? Anybody home? J.
D.
, we're right here.
You want to come back! I came to get my toothbrush.
Carla took it out the bathroom, put it in the hall closet.
Finger.
Bingo.
Come on, Rowdy.
- We should ask him back.
- Baby, no.
We're too proud.
We are the proud Turks.
Hey, guys, the heater's broken again.
- What happened? - I clubbed it with a Maglite.
I can probably stay and fix it.
It could take 3, 4, 5 days.
I did a triple bypass yesterday.
I think I can fix it.
Suit yourself.
Bye, trumpet player I don't know.
Now I understand why your music is so sad.
So I hear you're homeless.
I want to volunteer, give you a place to stay.
- I don't think so, buddy.
- Listen, crash in my garage.
I guarantee you there will not be another person in there.
You're going to slather jam on my face and sic a family of raccoons on me.
- Damn it.
I've become predictable.
- I'm out.
Oh, yeah? Well, from what I hear I'm your last option.
Options! I got cable TV and a dead dog.
I got plenty of options.
Come on in.
I've got a huge king bed.
It'll be nice to have a buffer between me and my mom.
Sorry, bro.
We're crowded tonight.
- Lonnie, you have three kids? - That I know of.
Yeah? - Does Doug Murphy live here? - The pathologist? - Yeah.
- No.
He moved out.
Excuse me.
I have to go change somebody's life.
But, Mr McMahon, would you mind? You are correct, sir! Why do you want to baby-sit my kid? You think I can't handle him? No, not at all.
You're great with him, fantastic with him.
In fact, if you want, you can baby-sit my kid.
We doing this? I'll baby-sit the hell out of Jack.
- Bring it on.
- Need a baby-sitter? You don't have to pay cash, just hot showers.
You don't have to wash me, unless you want, but that's weird.
- Newbie, I've got this one covered.
- You two are interracial best buddies.
I, too, have a black best friend.
Go out.
Enjoy it.
Celebrate your uniqueness.
I can do it! I'm sorry.
Did you just call me black? Because the last time I checked, the correct term was "African-American".
Well, Turk lets me call him brown bear.
- Who the hell is Turk? - I should go.
Angry black man.
It never disappoints.
- I pull it out when I need to.
- Well, what do you say? Well, I do have a lot of work to get done.
- You can watch Nate.
- You got it.
Sometimes the worst thing is getting exactly what you want.
Nathan? Look at me.
Nathan.
Damn it.
Baby? Could you get a towel to wipe sweat from my head? They're all dirty, OK? J.
D.
Used to wash them.
It's so hot! When is he going to finish with the heater? It's OK.
He's a professional, he's almost done.
This should not have been removed.
Todd made you wear a hammock to bed? It was horrible.
I kept imagining I was an Olympic diver.
It means a lot to me that you would go through all that to respect my boundaries.
Thanks, Kylie.
I can just sleep on the couch.
You don't have to crash on the couch.
Well, Dr Dorian, are you going to join me? I couldn't have planned it better.
J.
D! We're sorry.
The door was unlocked and we knew you'd be here.
We want you back.
I don't want to come home.
It took me a month to get here from the couch.
J.
D.
, maybe you should go home.
Get the moment back! Say something hot! Perhaps we could invite Turk and Carla to join us on the bed.
I'll go.
It is so great you're going to talk to your friend.
It's going to be hard.
If you need me, just say the word.
I will jump right in.
- I need to talk to you about Nathan.
- That little guy's my life.
I have to go.
What's up? Ron, there is no easy way to do this, so I'm going to go ahead and say it.
I think Nathan is autistic.
That's the real reason that I wanted to spend time with him today.
This is This is unbelievable.
I know.
The good news is that we found out early.
- So you can be as proactive as you - No.
You are unbelievable.
I mean You can't handle that my kid is better at building blocks so you tell me there's something wrong with him? You know what, why don't you just get the hell out of here? That's just not going to happen.
No way.
At first I was disappointed I wasn't sleeping at Kylie's but it was good to be home.
I'm home! Hello, fridge.
Good to see you, lamp.
Here I come, couch! You guys moved couch? It's always nice to let your friends know that you appreciate them I'm glad you're home, buddy.
I missed you, my African-American friend.
- Call me brown bear.
- Brown bear.
This is a classmate of mine from medical school.
He's located up in your area now.
I think he'd really help you.
But sometimes you can't quite find words to show that appreciation.
You know I just want to say that I'm going to handle this situation so much better than you could.
Oh, give me a break.
I would kick your ass in situation-handling.
I'm a doctor, for God sakes.
And for the record the Vegas odds-makers are making Coxy a heavy favourite.
Well, then, I would just bet on me and make a bundle.
You know what? I probably would too.
Behold, the Twinkie from the first day we moved in.
I owe you an apology, Turk.
- Splitsies? - Of course.
- Want some? - No.
OK, fine.
More for me.
So, Bambi, what's the deal with all the things you do around here? What do you mean? The laundry, the fixing the radiator listening to me gossip and playing stupid games with Turk.
How do you make yourself do all that stuff? At the end of the day, the best thing to do is to be honest.
I don't know.
I never thought about it.
I guess when you care about someone, you do what you can to make them happy.
You know, it's funny.
You guys couldn't go one week alone without needing J.
Dizzle around.
What is up with that? You have to hope honesty doesn't make them realize what they didn't want to know.
We're in trouble, aren't we? Yeah.