Superstore (2015) s04e18 Episode Script

1 So in honor of Earth Day, we'll be helping save the environment by switching to recycled toilet paper and selling "The Day After Tomorrow" on Blu-Ray for half off.
That should do it.
Uh, corporate is also asking us to discuss ways we can all live more sustainably.
Anybody? I turn the faucet off while I'm brushing my teeth.
Oh, I do that.
I brush in the bathtub.
Actually, baths are really bad for the environment.
Yeah, but they're really great for my skin so, give and take.
Jerusha and I have started unplugging the refrigerator whenever we're not home.
- Doesn't your food go bad? - Actually, yeah, it's awful.
We've been throwing away tons of stuff.
I'm a vegan so it's basically like driving four Priuses.
I play a game at home where I try to use less water each week.
Now I only flush my toilet when it's full.
Okay, uh that was a good discussion.
Last but not least, each branch is now going to have an employee "green ambassador" to promote sustainability efforts within the store.
Ours is going to be Jonah, obviously.
- A-doy.
- What up, dork? Thank you, everyone.
Oh, you don't have to speak.
Well, I figured as green ambassador, I should serve the badge.
It's a button.
Calm down.
"Now is the time to act on climate change!" "If global temperatures rise by just half a degree more, we will be at the point of no return towards a worldwide apocalypse in less than ten years.
The Obama administration is working t" oh, this was printed in 2009.
- Well, did we make it? - Just looked it up.
No.
Not even close.
- [groans.]
- Oh, no.
Somebody should really be paying attention to this.
[upbeat music.]
Hey, guys, I'm supposed to sign people up for some green initiatives.
Anybody feel like helping start a compost? Isn't that where you put old food in a barrel and then stir in poop? Well, that's an over simplification.
Pass! My doctor says if I get meningitis one more time, I'll die.
Okay, well, uh, there's other stuff.
Uh, this Sunday I'm putting a team together to plant some trees out back.
- I'll do that.
- Me too.
I could really use the overtime right now.
Oh, yeah, so they're not paying anybody for this.
- So you'd be paying us? - Me? - No, I'm - Or who's paying us? Uh, okay.
Nobody is paying anybody.
So you're just asking us as like, a favor? I don't want to waste a Sunday doing you a favor.
I mean, no offense.
We're just not that close.
It's not a favor for me.
It's a favor for the Earth.
For your children.
For your grandchildren.
- Mm, no thanks.
- I don't know.
I can't even have kids.
I fell of a four-wheeler when I was nine.
Burst my ball sack clean open.
Okay, well, I'll just leave the sign-up sheet at customer service in case you change your mind.
I can still have orgasms though! [chuckles.]
They just hurt really bad.
If you need to use the bathroom, here's a key to the employees' bathroom.
- Thank you.
- The customer bathrooms hit sort of a tipping point, so we stopped cleaning them.
Oh, hey, guys! You remember Pastor Craig.
Oh, yes.
Hi.
He's my pastor and friend.
Well, friend first, pastor second.
Well, pastor first and foremost.
- Yeah, 50/50.
- Mm.
Anyway, this is Amy and Mateo.
- Hi.
- Amy's divorced and recently had a child out of wedlock.
- Yep.
- And Mateo's gay, but not in a way that defines him.
- Oh, hallelujah.
- Don't worry.
Pastor Craig is one of those cool pastors who's down with all the gay stuff.
That's probably not how I would have phrased that, but hey, I did enjoy "The Birdcage.
" It was an important film.
Pastor Craig's handing out these little plants to all the customers for Earth Day.
Yup.
I like to say that God has a "plant" for every one of us.
[laughs.]
Plant.
Um, are you setting up a booth in the store? Is this something you ran by me? Oh sorry, I've been manager so long, I forgot to ask.
I'm sorry.
Is it gonna be a problem? No, it's not a problem.
Just, next time, run it by me.
- Okay.
- Or else I could get mad.
[chuckles stiffly.]
I'm just kidding.
Not totally, because you should run these things by me.
Ab absolutely.
And thank you for doing this.
- Okay.
- All right.
Oh, and I do enjoy the occasional episode of "Will & Grace.
" - I will tell the rest of us.
- Yeah.
Thank you, Pastor.
[Huey Lewis And The News' "It's Hip To Be Square" plays.]
It's hip to be square It's hip to be square Oh, getting a lot of people to sign up for your little green thing? Yeah, everybody's signing up for recycling.
I've got "S.
SquarePants," "Hannity Rules," "Suck It," and "Yo Skanky Grandma.
" That's a solid team.
Only real employee to sign up is Joe Nuzzadoosh? Say it a little faster.
Joe Nuzzadoosh? "Jonah's a douche.
" Got it.
- Well done.
- Thank you.
Why am I the only person who cares that the entire planet is falling apart? Oh, come on.
You live for this stuff.
- What stuff? - You know, finding a cause, leading a movement, getting to say "unacceptable" a lot.
I'm sorry, I guess I didn't realize that humanitarianism was such a buzz kill.
I guess that also means Bono is not cool.
Oh, okay, so now you're Bono? - No, that's not what I mean.
- I see.
You're just the Bono of the store? I didn't say I was Bono.
All right, look, I'm just messing with you.
But it is kind of true though.
I mean, I guess if anybody here was Bono, it would be you.
I mean, I guess.
Hey, Heather! Jonah thinks he's the Bono of the store! No, no, no, that's not no, he made me why do I even talk to you? Aw, good talking to U2! - Get it? Like the letter U - Yeah, I got it.
All right.
Well, it is shaping up in here.
I see you opted against the standing desk.
You just gonna join a gym instead? - What? - Did you say it was okay for Glenn's pastor to set up a booth in the store? Yeah, he's just handing out little plants.
Well, that's how it starts.
Then, next thing you know, cult leaders are handing out little tiny cups of Kool-Aid.
- Drink up, everybody! - That's a big, dark leap.
Look, it's fine.
It's just this one time.
Plus, Glenn had already told him he could do it, so Yeah, but you're the manager.
You can't let Glenn start walking all over you.
You need to come down on him hard.
I think you just want to watch me yell at Glenn.
This has nothing to do with my personal feelings.
Would I enjoy watching you yell at Glenn? Of course I would.
Would I prefer to do the yelling? Great question.
No.
I think it would be more fun to be a spectator.
- Hmm.
- Would I judge you if you lost it all and it became physical? Of course not.
Would it be our little secret? Absolutely.
[Men Without Hats' "Safety Dance" plays.]
We can dance if you want to, we can [scoffs.]
Who switched the white coffee filters with the brown ones that taste like dirt? I did.
The white filters contain dioxins which I like dioxins.
And is one person using white coffee filters really going to ruin the planet? No, but if everybody said that I'm not talking about everybody.
I'm talking about me.
Were you also the one who replaced the straws - with these paper things? - Yes.
These have no structural integrity.
Why did I even leave Syria? Okay, you know what? Somebody had to be green ambassador, so I said sure, but I'm tired of being the only one who volunteers around here, so if anybody else wants to take over for me - Okay, I'll do it.
- Huh? I'll be the green guy or whatever.
O okay, gr great.
There you go.
Finally, somebody's stepping up.
So let's hear it for Cheyenne.
[claps awkwardly.]
I'll clap when I get some decent coffee.
"And sometimes the hardest thing to accept is that we are not in control.
" So true.
So true.
"For only by losing ourselves completely to God can we find" - Ourselves.
- "God's mercy.
" God's mercy.
Amen.
Amen.
Glenn, again, just feel free to listen.
Don't try and guess what I'm going to say.
I'm about to say it.
You're going to hear it.
Okay, no problem at all, my friend.
- Pastor.
- Glenn.
- Mm-hmm? - Can I talk to you - for a minute? - Uh, yeah, I gue do you think you can press pause? - Maybe take a fiver? - We'll keep going.
Okay, I've got the book anyway.
- It's great.
- All right.
Glenn, you said that he was just going to be handing out plants.
I know! Who knew we'd be getting a live reading of his book too? Uh-huh, yeah.
It's just that this kind of goes beyond what we had discussed Yeah, way beyond, baby! - [chuckles.]
- Uh, I just don't think that corporate is going to be too excited to hear that a Christian pastor was doing a book reading in the store.
Okay, but I'm not worried about that.
Well, you might not be worried about it but Can we talk about this later? It's just that, I do have the book, but nothing beats live, - so I just - Glenn.
"Let's praise him in a way that pays him.
" Hey, dude.
Did you drop these cool wraparound sunglasses? No, I don't think ah, I get it.
Because they look like Bono sunglasses? - Yeah.
- Do we even sell those here? No, I had to go to CVS to get these, but it was worth it.
Jonah, hey.
I need to talk to you about the green ambassador thing.
Oh, uh, sure.
Happy to help.
Oh, you forgot to give me the button.
Right, the button.
Here is your one button.
- Wear it with pride.
- Thanks.
And again, if you need any help with ideas, you know, or just like a like a sounding board, you can always come to me.
That's okay.
I don't want to.
Oh, shoot.
I was going to return these, but I think there's a scratch on the inside.
- You see that? - No.
You have to, like, get them close.
No, I don't - okay - Ey, Bono! - It's Bono, everybody! - You know what? - I understand that.
- Hey, Amy? - Yes? - Pastor Craig told this lady that if she bought a signed copy of his book, she would get a free watch.
Should I give her a watch? Wait, now he's selling his book in the store? I told you you should have screamed at Glenn from the start.
It's okay.
It's a learning curve.
When we haven't accepted God in our hearts, we feel empty! And then we try to fill that emptiness by buying things.
New phone, jewelry, that fancy blender.
- This is just for nut butters.
- Okay, that's all right.
Hey, what are you doing? You can't sell your book in the store.
Oh, it's fine.
Glenn okayed it.
Hallelujah.
Well, it doesn't really matter what Glenn okayed - because I'm the manager.
- Maybe I should go get Glenn.
No, we don't need Glenn for this.
Well, I know we don't need him, but it would just be - it'd be fun.
- Guys, I really think we should talk about this another time.
I have customers, and this is unprofessional.
- Hallelujah.
- These are not your customers.
She is.
She bought two books.
I'm gonna have to ask you to please leave the store.
Oh, so I guess you're kicking me out.
You can take it that way, yes.
All right, uh, as you guys heard, I've been asked to leave.
[group groans.]
That's okay.
I implore you all to handle this like good Christians and not escalate it to violence.
Nobody was talking about violence.
Lord! Bow your heads.
- No, please do not.
Sir - Lord forgive her! - She knows not - Crowd: Mm-hmm.
- What she does.
- I know exactly what I'm doing.
And if anyone wants any more information about our church, you can reach us at lifesworkschurch.
org/donate.
- Okay, you're done.
- All right, just so you all know, this was not a race thing.
We're kicking him out for practicing his religion.
No, that is not true.
All right, I stand corrected.
Race may have had a little to do with it.
Okay.
[classic rock music plays over speakers.]
Okay, so welcome to the first meeting of the new and improved green team.
[scattered applause.]
Now let's all think of some ways to help the environment.
Yeah, and nothing super annoying that turns coffee into hot turd juice.
Oh, sorry, Jonah.
I didn't see you there.
[whispering.]
I saw him.
I didn't make the filters myself, so it's not a burn on me.
We should post something on social media.
Okay, what about something like #oceans? [gasps.]
Yes, I love that.
That's so good.
Um, I'm sorry.
What exactly would a hashtag accomplish? Well, it's about starting a conversation.
What conversation? - This conversation.
- Yeah.
- Yup.
- Oh, what if we took turns - teaching dumb kids to read? - Mm.
Ooh, that's good.
Or prison reform.
Okay, again, um, sorry none of my business, but, uh, wondering if maybe your scope is getting a little wide.
Look who hates prison reform.
I'm actually with Jonah on this one.
I've been to prison, and honestly, it's perfect as is.
Wait wha where's Pastor Craig? Oh, didn't you hear? Amy kicked him out.
- What? - Yeah, he was really upset about it too.
Like, devastated.
I think he may have said something about being disappointed in you personally.
I don't remember exactly.
Anyway, I hate to be the one to break it to you.
What what are you - [shouts.]
- It's really important to break down cardboard waste.
- [shouts.]
- You know, Earth Day and all.
Oh! You kicked Pastor Craig out of the store? - I want the truth.
- Yes.
Don't don't lie to me, Amy.
- You kicked him out! - I said yes! He was selling his book in the store, Glenn.
I didn't agree to that.
You you are out of control, missy! And and you are going to pick up the phone and you are gonna call Pastor Craig and apologize to him right now! No.
Then you can't be manager anymore.
- What? - Yeah, I'm sorry.
I thought I thought you could handle it, but you immediately came in and started whizzing all over the place and changing up a perfectly good office and, "Oh, look.
" "Look at our window.
Now we can all stare at Manager Amy.
" Glenn, you can't just take the job back.
Yes, I can.
Get out of my office.
That's not gonna happen.
So you're just keeping the job? - Yeah.
- Well then, what can I do? - Nothing.
- But then I can't do anything! - I know.
- So what? I mean, I've just gotta do whatever you say? - Yeah.
- But then I can't do what I want.
And I want to do it.
- [sighs.]
- This is so unfair! Can I even slam the door? - I'd rather that you didn't.
- [whines loudly.]
And Jesus put forth his hand and the leper was cured.
So what miracles have you experienced in your lives? And please, nobody say their kids, okay? One time, I saw Lily Tomlin in an airport.
I mean, it looked like her.
I don't know.
Hey, what's going on over here? Oh, nothing.
Just having a little employee Bible study.
Would you care to join us? You could probably use some guidance.
Ha-ha, well, can't we all? - Mm-hmm.
- But, uh, no.
Unfortunately, there's no religious gatherings allowed during company time, so everyone has to get back to work.
Wow.
So first Amy throws a man of the cloth out of the store, and now we're not even allowed to talk about the Bible.
And we can't say "Merry Christmas" anymore.
Shut up, Earl.
This isn't about that.
Glenn, can we speak privately, please? I don't know.
Can we? Okay.
Glenn, I know you're having some issues with not being in charge anymore, and so you're lashing out at me.
And I'm trying to be very cool about it, but I can't keep doing that because it makes me look bad, so I am asking you politely.
Please knock it off.
- Okay? - Fine.
But I have three minutes left on my break.
Am I allowed to talk about anything? Yes.
Obviously you can talk.
Fine.
I'm gonna talk about, um - John Cusack.
- Knock yourself out.
Because John Cusack died for our sins, which is why we worship John Cusack, King of the Jews.
Okay, that is it, Glenn! You need to stop being a whiny, snotty little baby man and get back to work, or I'm going to write you up! Do you understand me? I said, "Do you understand me?" - [mumbling.]
Yes - What? - Yes.
I said yes.
- Good.
I liked "High Fidelity," but I'm not sure how it holds up post MeToo.
All right, everybody.
Let's show pollution what we think about it.
[shutter snapping.]
Oh, yeah.
Really good job, everybody.
Can we take it again? I forgot to cover my chin with my hand the way Barbra Streisand always does.
- Okay.
- How is this doing anything? They're just posing for selfies and then congratulating themselves.
Yeah, dude.
That's what Instagram is.
- It's just dumb.
- Hmm.
It almost seems like you want to be in charge.
That's not what I meant.
Look, man, I get it.
It's hard.
One day you're on top of the world, winning Grammys, performing Live Aid, forcing your music onto people's iPhones I'm not Bono! Okay, okay.
What if we did, like, a Jimmy Kimmel kind of thing where we call people and we tell them that their kids are dead? But then we're like, "Just kidding.
But they will be in 50 years if we don't take action against climate change.
" Yes, I love it.
Such a good idea.
Knock-knock.
Heard that Amy came down pretty hard on you.
Yeah, I bet you loved that, huh? What? Oh, come on.
Give me some credit.
I know we've had our issues over the years, but I hate to see you brought down like that.
You think that's fun for me? - You're smiling.
- I'm always smiling.
[in strained voice.]
I'm a happy person.
And I know what you're going through, okay? I can only imagine how hard it is that someone that you took under your wing like a father and daughter would just rip into you like that.
I mean, that's got to be a gut punch.
What does it feel like? What? What? Just that total, complete, all-encompassing impotence.
- You think I'm impotent? - I don't.
Oh oh, no.
Hold up! I will show you exactly how impotent I am.
- I'm gonna do something.
- Go.
You should do it.
- I'm gonna do something! - Yeah, do it, Glenn! - I'm doing it! - Do it, Glenn! I'm doing it! This doesn't concern you.
Gotcha.
I get that there's value to spreading awareness and getting the word out.
I'm not opposed to that, but that can't just be all you do.
That's just posturing.
You know, there's there's the kind of people who do things, and then there's the kind of people who talk about doing things.
- And you're both of those? - Exactly.
- Well - Glenn: Attention, shoppers.
I would like to read to you from a book that was recently banned from the store by management.
What is this? What is happening? Proverbs 10:22 says, "The blessings of the Lord make you rich.
" Glenn, stop it! Open the door! Wanna know the best-kept secret of the Bible? "All the riches of the Lord make you blessed, - but I never feel" - Wow.
He is having an epic meltdown.
"Through the window of my jet, a Cessna Citation CJ4.
" I'm not kidding.
You need to stop this or I'm going to have to write you up.
"So let us praise him in a way that pays him.
" Glenn! This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine What am I supposed to do about this? - I'll get the battering ram.
- We have a battering ram? Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.
This little light of mine I'm gonna let it shine Let it shine, let it shine, let it sh Name: Glenn Sturgis.
Violations: Disruption within the store.
Outward display of religion.
Insubordination.
[mimicking.]
"Insubordination.
" That's you.
I don't like having to write you up.
- You're forcing me to do this.
- I don't care! 'Cause I'm writing you up too, and my boss doesn't send you to the unemployment line.
He sends you to hell.
That was too far.
I'm sorry.
Come on, Glenn.
Don't make me send this in.
Just it's not too late.
Please? Look, just tell me that this is never gonna happen again and we can forget the whole thing.
[sighs.]
Okay.
"Submit.
" Ugh.
It's not going through.
Stinks for you up the wazoo.
What is wrong with this thing? - Are you logged in as Admin? - Yes, obviously.
Well, sometimes it helps to uncheck all the boxes and then check them again.
I don't know why it does that.
You mean, like, clear all or manually uncheck each box? No, I mean like Okay, well, first of all, you got the wrong violation from the pull down menu.
What? I thought I selected the right one.
Yeah, but sometimes if you hit a key it accidentally resets.
Just start over.
- Okay.
- "Glenn Sturgis.
" So we will start with just this store but eventually we'll recruit employees from other stores, and it just builds from there.
So it could go national or even international.
- Or past that.
- Um, yeah.
So whatcha guys doing over here? We're starting an environmental group.
- The Green Posse.
- We haven't settled on that.
So kind of like Cheyenne's group? Well, yes, but there is room for more than one group, you know? There's plenty of work to be done, and we are a little more about taking direct action, you know? Getting our hands dirty.
Let me guess.
Jonah's in charge? No, no, no, no.
I mean We're it's more of, like, a collective action - kind of a thing.
- You said you were in charge.
Yeah yeah, I did.
But I but I but that's I said that because somebody, you know, has to be in charge, and I'm kind of like the I'm the reluctant leader.
- You know, it could be anybody.
- I'll do it.
Absolutely not.
What do you do when an employee wants to change - their emergency contact info? - Don't tell me.
Justine's fighting with her mom again? Yes.
They have a really complicated relationship.
They are the strangest pair.
Have you met her sisters? - No.
- They are Don't tell me Justine's the normal one.
No, Justine's the normal one.
Aww, that's nice.
Looks like they patched things up.
It's not nice.
You have no idea what nice is, idiot! What the