The Exes (2011) s04e18 Episode Script

Do not ask me how my day went.
- Fair enough - It was a nightmare! The other senior partners at my law firm held some big deal meeting and guess who wasn't included? Me.
I can't crack the boys' club.
I'm just the hot blond on the website.
[both laugh.]
Oh, you're serious.
It's not the first time something like this has happened either.
I'm a senior partner in name only.
I have half a mind to flame off an email - to those jackasses.
- Oh, oh, big mistake.
Never send an angry email.
A profanity-laced, all-caps missive ended my marriage to Margo.
It also earned me a visit from Homeland Security who are very nice people just doing their jobs.
Well, I agree.
I once wrote Haskell a furious, incendiary email.
What? I never got it.
Because I never sent it.
It would've damaged our relationship forever, but simply by writing it I was able to get all that rage off my chest.
That's a good idea, Stuart.
Ooh, I'm going to spew out my venom as fast as these angry thumbs can type, "Attention senior partners" No, that's too formal.
"Dear mother[beep.]
.
" What the hell did you write about me in that email? - Doesn't matter.
- Well, it does to me.
I don't like people talking behind my back.
If you're going to insult me, at least have the decency to do it to my face.
Haskell, let it go.
It's in the past, - dead and buried.
- Yeah, well, its bony hand just reached up out of the grave.
And it's got me by the sack.
Well, it finally happened.
I've been discovered.
I'm going to be in a movie with Zoey Banks.
- What? - [gasps.]
Shut up.
Shut up! I can't, I'm serious.
[laughs.]
Look, so check it out, I've been consulting on this sports movie and the guy playing the agent, he backed out and so, since it's just a few lines, - they asked me.
- But you you're not an actor.
I know, but I am a sports agent.
Besides, the camera's going to love this face.
Well, if it loves it as much as you do, - you'll be great.
- I know, right? All right, Stuart, I took your advice and I wrote one angry email and let those partners have it.
- Whoa.
- Ooh, strong stuff.
Yeah, I'm particularly fond of this turn of phrase.
[phone whooshes.]
Wha what was that whoosh? Wha Uh, your career going down the toilet.
No! [upbeat music.]
- Morning, Holly.
- Oh, good.
I still have an assistant.
That's a good sign.
Why? What did you do? I might have expressed my grievances to the partners in a strongly worded email.
That's probably why Mr.
Banachek is coming down.
Oh, no! He never comes below the 20th floor! - I'm screwed! - Holly, don't you know you never send an angry email to your boss? You write down every nasty thing you can think of, and stick it in a folder called "The Devil Wears Spanx.
" - Good morning, Holly.
- Mr.
Banachek, um, what a pleasant surprise.
May I see you in your office? My office? Where I spent my childbearing years? Of course.
I have a bad feeling about this, Eden.
Don't worry.
Now get in there.
I've got a resume to update.
So, Mr.
Banachek, to what do I owe the pleasure? And, may I say, it is indeed a pleasure.
- It's about your email.
- Oh, no, well, I I I didn't mean to write that.
I was a little overwrought Over-tired.
I'm not going to blame it on liquor, but I was smashed.
Holly, you were right.
After we received your email, the partners and I spoke, and, quite frankly, we were a little embarrassed.
We have become a bit of a boys' club, - and that ends now.
- Thank you, Mr.
Banachek.
I hope my email wasn't too intemperate.
Well, I didn't appreciate the term mother[beep.]
But I assumed you were referring to Hubner.
[laughs.]
I don't want to single anyone out, but yes.
I thought as much.
Now listen, Holly, from now on we want you to be involved in every managerial aspect of the firm.
Okay, I'm ready to dive in.
Whatever you got, give it to me.
You know Will Mullen in litigation? - Oh, great guy.
- We need you to fire him.
What? Yes, his billable hours are low and he's not on partner track.
- Con consider it done.
- Excellent.
Oh, and again, on behalf of all of the arrogant, elitist, [beep.]
I want to thank you for your candor.
So, how'd it go? Well, the partners really heard me and want to give me more responsibility.
That's great! You should be happy.
- Why aren't you happy? - 'Cause the first thing I have to do is fire someone.
You bitch! I gave you the best years of my life! It's not you! Yet! It's Will Mullen in litigation.
Ah.
Well, it's not going to be pleasant, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
I can't do what I gotta do.
I've never fired anyone before.
Really? What about all those assistants - you had before me? - Oh, they all quit for one reason or another.
Whiners.
[mockingly.]
"I never see my kids.
" "There's a fire on the floor below us.
" "It's Christmas.
" Wah! [chattering.]
Hey, Chris.
- Oh, there he is.
- Hey.
- Ready to do this, Phil? - Uh, I think so.
Good.
You've only got a few lines.
- You're going to be great.
- Sorry, sorry.
I got stuck in hair.
I had a rogue extension.
You too? [laughs.]
- Hi, Zoey.
- Hey, Phil Chase.
I am a big fan.
Big fan.
Thank you.
That's sweet.
Okay.
Roll.
- Phil, remember.
- Yes? - Zoey owns the team.
- Mm-hmm.
- You burst in.
- Mm-hmm.
You want a better deal for your client.
[in British accent.]
Better deal for my client.
[both laugh.]
Okay.
And action.
[door slams.]
What are you doing here, Ron? You expect me to take this deal back to my client? Only if he wants to play for me.
What's going on? Why aren't you talking? - Why isn't he talking? - I'm sorry I was just waiting for you to say, "Only if he wants to play for my team.
" But what you said was, "Only if he wants to play for me.
" Who cares what I said.
I was in the moment.
- Just go with it.
- Got it.
- I got it.
Okay.
- Okay, good.
Go again.
[clears throat.]
And action.
[door slams.]
What are you doing here, Ron? You expect me to take this deal back to my client? Only if he wants to play for my team.
Well, I liked it better when it was your dad's team.
Is that right? Now what's the matter? Well, uh, I was supposed to continue talking and say, "He would never lowball me.
" But you jumped in and said, "Is that right?" Forget the words.
You're an actor.
Act.
Actually, I'm not an actor.
What? - Whose nephew is this? - Zoey, Phil is an actual sports agent.
We brought him in as a consultant, - ended up giving him the part.
- Well, right now he's screwing up my scene.
He's standing right here, and I could probably do the scene better if you would just say the words correctly.
Did you just tell me how to act? Do I come to your job and tell you how to do what you do? Not with that attitude you don't.
You know, this guy is really pissing me off.
- Back at ya.
- You're both agitated.
You can't stand each other.
- You got it.
- You damn straight.
Good.
Use it! Back to one.
Try to keep up the anger.
Works for me.
Not a problem.
[upbeat music.]
Okay, according to the HR handbook, "When terminating an employee, don't make it personal.
Get right to the point.
" I don't know if I can do this, Eden.
I don't know if I can fire him.
Well, you better.
You're the one who demanded the partners give you more responsibility.
I was talking about picking out new drapes for the conference room or organizing a secret Santa.
Hey.
- Hi, Eden.
- Hey, Will.
- Hey.
- It's good to see you.
Hey, Holly, you wanted to see me? - Will, have a seat.
- Oh, yes.
I'm going to get right to the point.
- How's the family? - Still single.
- Oh.
- Yeah, but you know me, - married to the job.
- Oh, right.
I bet you're wondering why I called you up here.
- Actually, I am.
- Well, let me start off by saying, you are one terrific lawyer.
Oh, my God, am I getting a promotion? Not exactly.
Will, life's a journey with many roads.
Some smooth, some bumpy.
Some go right off a cliff.
- Am I getting fired? - Oh, no.
Oh, ooh.
Whoo.
What a relief.
Ha-ha.
I mean, you're not not getting fired.
It's just we don't use that word.
Um, you're being transitioned to a place that's not here.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
Oh, wow.
Oh, I did not see that one coming.
Well, I guess I better go pack up my office and take that sad, long walk to the lobby.
Well, look at it this way, at least you won't be alone.
Security's waiting to escort you out of the building.
And, you know, once you get past the Taser and the nightstick, Ray-Ray's a real nice man.
Hey, how you doing, Haskell? What was in that email you wrote? Don't tell me you're still thinking about that.
It's eating me alive! What could I have possibly done to make you so angry? Give it up, Haskell, I'm not telling you.
Well, was it when I used your email account to search for Russian brides? - You what? - Not that.
Was it when I used your dental office - for that nitrous oxide party? - Oh, my God! - No? Tell me! - For the last time, no! All right, fine, don't tell me, but know this this is creating a wall between us, Stuart.
A wall! - This is ridiculous.
- There's another brick.
- It's ancient history.
- I can't hear you through the wall.
Get over it, Haskell.
Mr.
Gardner, tear down this wall! [groans.]
(Stuart) Hey, there he is.
[chuckles.]
Denzel.
Why I gotta be Denzel? Huh? How come I can't be Brad Pitt or Bradley Cooper? Huh? Why I gotta be Denzel? Because I'm just playing with you, man.
- Ahh.
- [laughs.]
- I knew that.
- Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah.
So, how'd it go on the movie set, huh? I-is Zoey even more radiant in real-life than she is on screen? She's the biggest pain in the ass I've ever met in my life.
Yeah, she's spoiled, she's obnoxious, she's totally full of herself.
I hear she only drinks rain water.
I don't care if she pees Gatorade.
I never want to see that woman again.
[cell phone chimes.]
- Oh, no.
- What's the matter? It's someone from the crew.
There was some kind of technical problem.
I have to go back tomorrow and work with that diva again.
Well, trust me, she couldn't possibly be as much of a pain as Haskell.
There's another brick! [upbeat music.]
Will.
- Oh, hi, Holly.
- Hi.
Come here, sit down.
I was surprised to get your call.
Not that many people would fire someone and then want to see them again.
Oh, well, I'm not most people.
Will, I'm going to relaunch your career.
Will 2.
0.
So, I've put together a list of every firm in the city that's hiring, plus corporations looking for in-house council.
What's the use? They'll never hire me.
- That's not true.
- Yes, it is.
How can I go on a job interview when I don't even believe in myself? Let's face it, I'm a loser.
Don't say that.
Without a job I'm nothing.
I've lost my confidence.
I don't even feel like a man anymore.
[sighs.]
So, how do you feel now? Better.
[upbeat music.]
What are you looking at? I'm proud of you.
I know how hard it was to fire Will, but you stepped up and did it.
Yup.
I sent him on his way.
Closed the door.
Locked it.
Click.
Adios.
You're overselling.
There's something you're not telling me.
- No, no.
- Two no's and a look away? What did you do? All right, all right.
I met him for drinks just to see how he was doing.
Do you have any idea how inappropriate that is? Sheesh, why don't you just sleep with him - while you're at it? - Ha.
Ha-ha-ha.
What? Oh, my God! His confidence was shot.
I had to build him back up.
So you threw him a pity schtup? Don't be so crude.
It was a pat on the back that turned into a reach around.
Anyway, because of me, that man is out there right now interviewing and maybe even getting a job.
I nursed that wounded bird back to health and helped him fly away.
[cell phone dings.]
Hmm.
Seems like your bird wants to know what time his lady will be home for dinner.
What? He's still there? Why didn't he fly away, Eden? Because you didn't follow the HR handbook.
All you had to do was tell him he was terminated, vacate the premises, and walk away.
It was hard enough for me to fire him.
How am I going to kick him out now that he's so down? You just better hope the firm never downsizes.
You could end up servicing a whole department.
[chattering.]
- Hey, Chris.
- Phil, sorry to bring you back.
We had a little trouble with the sound.
It's not a problem.
- Phil.
- Zoey.
Look, I'm not happy about this either, so let's just get through it.
- Works for me.
- And don't get so hung up on every word.
Just be in the moment.
This isn't my first acting gig.
It was yesterday.
Uh, just to refresh.
Phil, you want a better deal for your client, you both go back and forth, you close the deal with a nice handshake.
Got it.
Roll.
(Chris) And action! - What are you doing here, Ron? - You really expect me to take this deal back to my client? Only if he wants to play for my team.
Well, I liked it better when it was your dad's team.
He would never lowball me.
Oh, so you thought because I'm a woman you could just walk all over me? Don't play that game.
Here's what it's going to take.
- 25 mil over four years.
- 17.
5 over three.
- Done.
- Done.
Cut! Love that kiss! I think we have it.
[mumbles.]
Oh, okay.
[upbeat music.]
There she is.
My rock.
- Oh, look, wine.
- Mmm.
That's that's nice.
Um So oh.
So, Will, did you follow up on any of the job leads I gave you? Not ready yet, but with you by my side, I'll get there one day.
Uh-huh.
Oh, look, you made dinner.
Yeah, by the way, you're running a little low on food, but we'll make a list, And hit the farmers' market this weekend - Uh-huh.
- A toast.
To Holly.
You're not like the other managing partners who would have fired me and walked away.
Oh, sure, they'll climb the corporate ladder and get their names on the buildings and their penthouse apartments.
But that's not you.
Never will be.
Because you are a warm, sensitive, caring, compassionate woman.
- Get out.
- What? This relationship is terminated.
Please vacate the premises.
- You're throwing me out? - I need you to leave your keys.
- But, Holly - Don't make me call Ray-Ray.
[groans.]
And that's how the big boys do it.
No, Haskell.
Will you stop bugging me? I want to see that email.
I don't care how much you beg, I'm not showing you anything.
It's my honeymoon all over again.
Please! Please show it to me.
All right, all right.
You want to see it so badly? Then be prepared for the pain.
So it's negative.
All right, here it is.
"Subject: A hurt that will never heal.
"Haskell, you are a cruel, heartless, self-centered, miserable, uncaring man.
" Why? What did I do? It was the first week I moved in.
I was still devastated from my divorce.
I was sad and lonely and desperate for companionship.
I asked you if you would watch Top Chef with me You just said, "Nah, I've got better things to do.
" - I said that? - Yes.
Yes, you did.
But the important thing is it's in the past.
- So we're good? - Of course we're good.
Come on, we've come a long way since then.
And, hey, you know what? Um, the new season is starting tonight.
What do you say we go upstairs and watch Top Chef? [chuckles.]
Nah, I got better things to do.
Hey, there he is.
Denzel or or or Brad Pitt or Bradley Cooper or, you know - I don't see color.
- Okay.
I did it.
I finished that scene with Zoey.
Oh, that must be a relief.
- I guess so.
- Oh.
- Zoey Banks.
- Yeah, that's her name.
No, no, Zoey Banks just walked in the bar! - Really.
- She's coming over! - She's coming over! - All right, play cool.
Play cool, play cool! Zoey Banks, I love you! Sorry.
I'm sorry.
- What was that about? - What was what about? - That kiss.
- Oh, that was just me, you know, being in the moment like you told me.
- So you were acting? - Yeah, yeah.
Please, you're not a good enough actor to kiss like that.
Well, maybe the fact that you felt something - says that I am.
- Who says I felt something? - You're here.
- [laughs.]
I'll fix that.
See you.
Okay, wait.
Wait.
Maybe I wasn't totally acting.
- Maybe I wasn't either.
- So now what? Now is when I give you my number, you wait three days so you don't look desperate And then ask me out.
What makes you think I'll call? - You'll call.
- [Phil laughs.]
Don't be so sure about that.
You don't know me, girl.
Hello.