The Honeymooners (1955) s04e18 Episode Script
The $99,000 Answer
With the stars and ( fanfare plays ) MALE ANNOUNCER: And now back to Herb Norris and The $99,000 Answer! ( applause ) The show that gives away $99,000! ( applause ) Well, Mr.
Parker, you've successfully gone over the $24,750 hurdle.
And now it's time for you to make up your mind, whether you're willing to go for the $49,500 question.
I am, Mr.
Norris.
You mean you want to go ahead? Yes.
( applause ) Good.
I wish you luck, Mr.
Parker.
Now, remember, if you complete the $49,500 answer, you're entitled to come back next week, and decide if you want to go for the really big money, the $99,000 answer.
Are you ready, sir? I am ready, Mr.
Norris.
Very well.
Now, this question for your $49,500 answer, was prepared by an expert in the field of banking and finance, Professor Walter Newman.
Your question has to do with something you see and handle every day-- a dollar bill.
Now, disregarding the serial number, tell me how many times the figure "one" appears on a dollar bill, either in numeral form or spelled out.
You have ten seconds to give the $49,500 answer.
( metronome ticking ) The answer is 25.
That's correct for the first part.
Now, tell me how many times the word "one" appears, and how many times the numeral "1" appears.
Well, the word "one" appears 16 times, and the numeral, nine times.
You're absolutely right for $49,500! ( theme music plays ) ( applause ) Mr.
Parker, you have just won yourself 49,500 of those dollar bills, and now you know you'll have the opportunity to come back and visit with us next week and decide whether you want to go for the $99,000, all right? That's fine.
Congratulations, sir, and good night.
Good night.
Good night, sir.
( fanfare playing, applause ) And now, who is our next guest, please? ANNOUNCER: Herb, here's our next guest! From Brooklyn, New York, Mr.
Ralph Kramden! ( applause ) How do you do, Mr.
Kramden? Now, there's nothing for you to be nervous about.
Just relax.
We're all your friends.
And I'm trying to help you.
Just relax and take it easy.
It's really a pleasure shaking hands with you, Mr.
Kramden.
That's fine.
Thank you very much.
Now, tell me, sir, what do you do for a living? ( stammers ) I brive a dus.
You "brive a dus"? I dus a brive.
"Dus a brive.
" Oh, I see-- you're a bus driver.
Yeah.
Is that it? ( mutters ) Well, now, there's nothing for you to be nervous about, Mr.
Kramden.
Just relax and take it easy, and you'll get along a lot better.
Now, tell me, sir, are you married? Yes.
You're married.
And what is your wife's name? Mrs.
Kramden.
Well, that's fine.
Now her first name, I meant.
Her.
Who? Oh, her! Oh, yeah.
Uh, Alice.
Alice Kramden.
Uh-huh.
Now, I believe the announcer said you are from Brooklyn.
Have you lived in Brooklyn all your life, sir? ( silence ) ( mutters ): Uh uh My, uh, mother, uh, uh, father, uh They were they were there.
I guess.
Well, thank you very much, Mr.
Kramden.
You know, I have a great deal of respect for bus drivers.
It's always amazed me how you fellows who have this tremendous responsibility, and the-the tremendous number of people that you have to deal with, and the big machine, how you manage to remain so courteous and kind, and considerate all the time.
Yes, sir.
Well, of course, there are exceptions.
For example, the other day, I was standing on Madison Avenue in the rain, waiting for a bus, and as this bus driver bore down on me, I signaled for him to stop.
And you know, instead of stopping, he went right by, went through a puddle, and splashed mud all over me.
Was that you? Mr.
Kramden, I sure hope you win some money tonight, because I've got a cleaning bill for you.
And you know, now it's time for you to select a category, and I want you to be very careful in selecting this category, because all the questions you'll be asked come from this one category.
So take your time, and make up your mind what your selection's going to be.
( stammers ) Uh, popular songs.
Popular songs.
Very good, sir.
Now ANNOUNCER: I'm sorry to interrupt, Herb, but our time is up! Oh, I'm sorry, Mr.
Kramden.
We seem to have run out of time, but we'd like you to come back next week, and try for the first hurdle on the way to The $99,000 Answer.
Can you be with us? Yes, sir.
Thank you very much, Mr.
Kramden, and good night, sir.
Thank you.
( tentative applause ) Oh, no, no, Mr.
Kramden.
No, no.
This way.
Good night, Mr.
Kramden.
Good night.
( applause ) Good night, ladies and gentlemen, good night.
( fanfare plays ) Trixie! I'm home! Alice.
Oh, Alice, I could hardly wait till you got home.
Hey, Ralph looked wonderful on television.
Oh, Trixie, it was so exciting.
Oh, I'll bet.
Isn't Ralph here? No, he decided to stay downstairs.
He's waiting for people to go by and recognize him.
Who could recognize him at this hour? Alice, it's dark out.
Oh, he thought of that.
Look-- there he is, standing under the streetlight with his hat off.
Oh.
Well, on second thought, I don't know if I'd act any different.
You know, if I were in his place.
'Cause, gee, if I were on a big television show and seen by millions of people.
Ooh! Oh, listen, Trixie, don't get me wrong.
I'm very proud that Ralph is on this show.
Yeah.
Only thing is, I know Ralph.
You know the way he has of steaming himself up and getting over-enthused.
You know he's apt to build himself way up to a letdown, and then he'll just feel miserable.
Yeah.
But, Alice, just between us, hint to Ralph always to face the camera, 'cause when he turns profile, brother, he's the biggest thing on television.
( laughs ) Say, Trix, what about Ed? Did he see the show? Oh, yeah, he watched it with the boys down at the bowling alley.
Look, I bet he'll stop in here to see Ralph on his way upstairs, but I got to get up there.
Now, look, I'll see you in the morning, huh, honey? All right.
Night, Trix.
Bye.
Well, I learned something tonight, Alice.
You're never too old to learn something, and tonight, I learned something.
There isn't one person, not one person in this building that hasn't got a jealous nature.
Ralph, what are you talking about? I stood down in front of this door since you left me.
Not one person come up and congratulated me.
And not only that.
Not even one person admitted that they saw me on the program.
Now, Ralph, how can you talk like that? Norton was over at the bowling alley with all your friends watching the show.
And Trixie was just here to say she saw you on the show.
She was? Well, uh what did she think of me? Well, she said you're the biggest thing on television.
You know, that Trixie's a good kid.
And Norton's all right, too.
There are two true-blue friends.
Well, they won't regret it.
Because when I celebrate, they'll celebrate with me.
Celebrate what? Celebrate the winning of The $99,000 Answer, that's what.
It won't be long now, sweetheart.
We'll be living on Park Avenue.
And wait till you see how different this furniture looks when it's in a Park Avenue apartment.
Ralph, aren't you being a little bit too ambitious? You've heard some of those questions.
They get pretty tough after the first two.
So what? That's why I picked the subject that I know.
Popular songs.
I know all about popular songs.
I know, Ralph, but you're not an expert.
What do you mean, I'm not an expert? Ever since I was a kid, Alice, I liked music.
Especially popular music.
Ha.
When I was growing up, that's all I did.
I used to eat, sleep and think music.
I wasn't like those other bums around the neighborhood, you know.
Hanging around the pool room or hanging out in the corner.
Not me.
Every night in the week, I was up some ballroom listening to a dance band.
Ralph, I'd be very proud of you, you know, if you answered the first two questions and came home with $600.
$600? ( laughs ) A mere bag of shells.
Ralph, will you please be sensible? They don't hand you the $99,000.
You got to answer questions, Ralph, and they're very tough questions.
I know what you're trying to say, Alice.
What you're trying to say is your husband is too dumb to answer any questions.
Well, that's where you're wrong.
And for your information, a 12-year-old kid, on one of these programs, walked in and answered the $16,000 question.
Stands to reason, me, a grown man-- I must be able to answer the same questions that a 12-year-old kid can answer.
Spell "anti-disestablishmentarianism.
" I'll spell it.
I'll spell it! Well? Go ahead.
I'll spell it when you give me $16,000 for spelling it! $16,000 for spelling it? I'll give you $32,000 if you can say it! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Bang! Zoom! Now, look, Ralph.
I don't doubt that you know a lot about popular songs.
Let's say you know all there is to know about popular songs.
There is just one thing that you're overlooking, Ralph.
You're going on a television show, a big television show.
Millions of people are going to be looking at you.
And big money at stake.
Well, you're liable to get nervous, Ralph, and forget what you do know.
Any person could do that.
Are you kidding? Ha.
I'm at my best when I'm under pressure.
I never get nervous.
( chuckles ): Oh.
That's right, I forgot.
You're always calm.
You have to be in the kind of work you do.
You're a man who "brives the dus.
" Go ahead, Alice.
Try to discourage me.
But you're getting no place, 'cause I'm going for that $99,000 answer! And I'm not leaving one stone unturned.
There'll be no chances for mistakes.
I'm not leaving this house once this week.
I'm staying in every night, and I'm studying every song that was ever written.
I'm going to buy sheet music and study that.
I'm going to buy records and study them.
I'm going to rent a piano, I'm going to have Norton come down here and play the piano.
Every song he's ever heard, and I'm going to study them.
Ralph, that's going to cost us a fortune! It'll take every penny we have saved.
We won't have one cent left in the bank.
When the smoke clears away, we'll have $99,000.
Yes, sir, this is the time I'm going to get my pot of gold.
Just go for the gold.
You've already got the pot.
( laughs ) ( sighs ) ( knock on door ) Just a minute.
Mother! Hello, Alice.
What are you doing here at this hour? Oh, here's the dress material that you said you wanted.
Oh, but you didn't have to make a special trip just for that.
Oh, I didn't.
We went to the movies in the neighborhood.
And so it wasn't out of our way to come here at all.
Well, why don't you sit down and have a cup of coffee? Oh, I can't.
Your father's waiting in the car, and he's double-parked.
How's "The Brain" doing? Oh, Mother.
What a week! The piano and the phonograph have been going every single night until 3:00 in the morning.
He's been fighting out the window with Mr.
Garrity upstairs.
Strangers have been dropping in here all the time to give him advice.
Letters have been pouring in all the time.
He's been staying home from work without any salary, paying for all of this stuff.
He's going to have to win that $99,000 just to break even.
Where is he now? He's down at Mrs.
Manicotti's.
She's helping him brush up on popular songs that were taken from Italian classics.
This boy isn't missing a trick.
Hmm.
Well, I've got to go.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for Ralph tomorrow night.
Thanks, Mom.
Say hello to Pop for me.
( coughs ) Ha! What is she doing here? Ralph.
Hello, Ralph! ( laughing ) Well, tomorrow's your big night.
I was talking to Alice about it, and there's just one thing I want You can save your breath, 'cause I know what the one thing is that you want to tell me.
The both of you.
That I should quit at the $600 question.
Well, I'm not.
I'm going on! On, on, on! To the $99,000 answer! But, Ralph, before you interrupted me, I was about to say, that I hoped you'd go on to the $99,000 answer.
Oh.
Well, Alice, I got to admit that now and then your mother shows a small, tiny bit of wisdom.
As a matter of fact, I can't wait to hear you answer that question.
Ha.
I want to see the expression on your face when you miss it! Why couldn't she have been with Custer when he got in that trouble, huh? Just for that, when we move to Park Avenue, she ain't getting a new address.
Ralph, I must be crazy to argue with you about this, but you got us moving to Park Avenue, winning $99,000, and you haven't even answered the first question yet.
I am going to bed.
Big deal! Stay in there.
( door closes ) Hey there, Ralphie boy.
Oh, give me land, lots of land Deedle-deedle deedle-dee Don't deedle-deedle deedle I got it-- "Don't Fence Me In," written by Cole Porter for the picture Hollywood Canteen in the year 1944, produced by Warner Brothers.
Correct! ( laughs ) Ralphie, you're hotter than a firecracker.
When you run into that master of ceremonies, he's going to run out of hurdles, you know.
( laughter ) Sit down, pal.
How did you do with, uh, Mrs.
Manicotti? I left her speechless.
Yeah.
She did everything in her power to stick me.
( both laugh ) I guessed the English name to every one of the Italian songs that she sang.
Oh, boy.
Well, I bought a few old movie-type songs and things like that along.
Don't look at the sheet music.
No cheating, now.
Just I don't have to look, pal.
All right.
You just play them, and I'll name them.
All right.
Come on with that thing! This is my last night to brush up on the songs.
Now, let's not waste any time.
Get going.
All right.
( playing "Swanee River" ) Will you wait a minute, please? Why must you always play ( humming tune of "Swanee River" ) before you go in and play the song I'm trying to guess? If I told you once, I told you a hundred times.
It's the only way I can warm up before I play the piano.
A pitcher warms up before he pitches a ball game, I got to warm up that way before I play the piano.
I hope I don't have to tell you this again.
Are you ready? Go ahead and play.
( playing "Swanee River" ) Oh.
( playing "Shuffle Off to Buffalo" ) That's all, that's all, that's all.
"Shuffle Off to Buffalo," written by Warren and Dubin for a little picture called 42nd Street.
The year was 1932.
Absolutely right.
All right, here's another one.
Don't look at the music, now.
Don't need it, my friend, don't need it.
Now, this is a little change in tempo.
Don't let it throw you.
All righty.
( plays "Swanee River" ) ( plays tune ) "Just Too Marvelous For Words" written by Johnny Mercer and Richard Whiting for a picture called Ready, Willing and Able.
" The year was 19 37.
Absolutely correct.
Boy, you are hot.
All right, this one might throw you.
This one, uh, goes back a little ways.
Ready? ( playing "Swanee River" ) Aye.
( playing tune ) ( rapping on door ) I think that was Come in! Come in! Oh-ho.
There he is, Jealous McGarrity.
Look, why don't you shut up in here? You driving everybody crazy! I'm not driving anybody crazy.
You're just jealous, that's all.
And do you know why you're jealous? Because you know that at this time tomorrow night, my picture will be on the front page of every newspaper in the country.
Well, so will mine! For killing you! Ralph.
Here you are, loudmouth! Now you woke up my wife! Ed, I realize that I cannot talk to Ralph because he is stubborn and unreasonable.
But I have always had great respect for your sense of fair play, and so I appeal to you.
It is late.
People would like to go to sleep.
I think you should stop playing the piano.
And I am sure that you will agree with me, Ed, because you have always been fair and considerate.
You are a reasonable man.
Don't let her soft-soap you.
Don't let her soft-soap you.
You're just as unreasonable as I am.
Go ahead and play.
If you touch that piano again, I'll lose all my respect for you.
Go ahead and play, Norton, if you don't want to lose my friendship.
( clears throat ) Well, I'm in a spot.
If I play the piano, I lose her respect, if I don't play, I lose your friendship.
Why, oh why, was I blessed with this musical talent? ( knocking on door ) Thanks a lot.
That's the police.
I don't care if it is the police.
Let them in! Mrs.
Manicotti! Quiet, everyone.
( singing in Italian ) I have it-- "Take Me Back to Sorrento.
" Ernesto de Keesta! Hmm.
I give up! Well, that's the way it goes.
The whole house has gone crazy.
Going crazy? I suppose she's crazy 'cause she wants to help me? Give me a little chance, help me out with the names of songs.
That's a little more than I can say for you.
Ralph, I've been trying to help you by being sensible.
If you had listened to me in the first place, you could have avoided putting all this pressure on yourself.
For the last time, Alice, I'm telling you.
I'm going for the $99,000 question.
For the last time, Ralph, I'll be very proud if you win the 600 bucks.
Peanuts, peanuts.
What am I going to do with peanuts? Eat 'em, like any other elephant.
( door closes ) Ho-ho! Ho-ho! Bang, zoom! Play the piano! ( plays "Swanee River" ) ( plays tune ) And now, the star of our show, Herb Norris! ( applause ) Thank you, thank you very much.
And welcome to America's most exciting show, The $99,000 Answer.
And now, Tom, who is our first guest, please? Herb, our first guest, ready to leap the first hurdle, on his way to the $99,000 answer, is our bus driver from Brooklyn, Mr.
Ralph Kramden! ( applause and cheering ) How do you do, Mr.
Kramden? How do you do? It's nice to see you again.
It's nice to be back here.
Now, I remember last week, we had just got to the point in the program where you had selected your category, popular songs.
Yes, sir.
Isn't that right? Now, you've had a whole week to prepare.
Tell me, have you done much studying? Oh, just a little.
( laughs ) Oh, just a just a little? Spare time sort of thing, huh? Sort of spare time.
I see, all right.
No sense of going over what you already know! Oh, I guess you're right, sir.
That's right.
Now, let's get on with our competition.
May we have the card, please, explaining the game and the first question? Thank you.
I have here your first question, now, Mr.
Kramden.
You know how The $99,000 Answer works.
We start with the first question, worth $100.
Then our second hurdle is worth $600.
After that, our hurdles become higher, and naturally, the questions become a little more difficult.
Our fourth hurdle is worth $6,187.
50.
And if you answer that, the next one is worth $12,375.
Now, then, we keep rolling along and doubling the money until finally, you get to the $99,000 answer.
Now, you can stop any time you feel like it and take what money you've won up to that point.
Now, is that all clear, Mr.
Kramden? It certainly is, and if I may, I'd like to make a little statement.
Well, surely.
Go right ahead.
I intend to go straight on, forge ahead to the $99,000 answer.
( applause and cheering ) That's wonderful, Mr.
Kramden.
I, uh I think it's only fair to point out to you, though, that you don't need to make that decision now.
You can stop at any time you want to and take the money you've accumulated.
Well, I made up my mind, and I thought you might as well know it, and I know it, and they know it, and everybody knows it.
I see.
Well, sir, tell me, have you discussed this at home? Have you talked it over with your wife? Yes, I did, and regardless, I am going for the $99,000 answer.
I see.
Well, that's quite a decision.
I guess you really know your popular songs, huh? Well, I don't like to All right, Mr.
Kramden, I wish you a lot of luck, and here's your first question for $100.
Are you ready? I certainly am.
All right, Mr.
Kramden, for $100, who is the composer of "Swanee River?" "Swanee River?" That's right, "Swanee River.
" Can we have a few bars of "Swanee River," Jose? ( piano plays "Swanee River" ) That's "Swanee River?!" That's right.
Now, who's the composer? Your time's running out.
Hurry up.
You better take a guess.
( stammers ) Ed Norton? Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Mr.
Kramden.
No.
The correct answer is Stephen Foster.
But thanks so much.
You've been a wonderful contestant and a swell sport.
Good-bye, Mr.
Kramden.
Good-bye, Mr.
Kramden.
I'll be seeing you.
"I'll Be Seeing You,"-- Irving Kahal.
Irving Kahal and Sammy Fain, 1938! Now, Mr.
Kramden, it's all over now.
"It's All Over Now," Basie Simon, 1927.
No, no.
Good night, Mr.
Kramden.
Good night, good night-- there were two songs, good night.
It was "Good Night, Irene," written by Lomax and Ledbetter, "Good night, Sweetheart," written by Rudy Vallee and Ray Noble.
No Then there was another This way, sir.
Please? Please? "Please" was sung by Bing Crosby and
Parker, you've successfully gone over the $24,750 hurdle.
And now it's time for you to make up your mind, whether you're willing to go for the $49,500 question.
I am, Mr.
Norris.
You mean you want to go ahead? Yes.
( applause ) Good.
I wish you luck, Mr.
Parker.
Now, remember, if you complete the $49,500 answer, you're entitled to come back next week, and decide if you want to go for the really big money, the $99,000 answer.
Are you ready, sir? I am ready, Mr.
Norris.
Very well.
Now, this question for your $49,500 answer, was prepared by an expert in the field of banking and finance, Professor Walter Newman.
Your question has to do with something you see and handle every day-- a dollar bill.
Now, disregarding the serial number, tell me how many times the figure "one" appears on a dollar bill, either in numeral form or spelled out.
You have ten seconds to give the $49,500 answer.
( metronome ticking ) The answer is 25.
That's correct for the first part.
Now, tell me how many times the word "one" appears, and how many times the numeral "1" appears.
Well, the word "one" appears 16 times, and the numeral, nine times.
You're absolutely right for $49,500! ( theme music plays ) ( applause ) Mr.
Parker, you have just won yourself 49,500 of those dollar bills, and now you know you'll have the opportunity to come back and visit with us next week and decide whether you want to go for the $99,000, all right? That's fine.
Congratulations, sir, and good night.
Good night.
Good night, sir.
( fanfare playing, applause ) And now, who is our next guest, please? ANNOUNCER: Herb, here's our next guest! From Brooklyn, New York, Mr.
Ralph Kramden! ( applause ) How do you do, Mr.
Kramden? Now, there's nothing for you to be nervous about.
Just relax.
We're all your friends.
And I'm trying to help you.
Just relax and take it easy.
It's really a pleasure shaking hands with you, Mr.
Kramden.
That's fine.
Thank you very much.
Now, tell me, sir, what do you do for a living? ( stammers ) I brive a dus.
You "brive a dus"? I dus a brive.
"Dus a brive.
" Oh, I see-- you're a bus driver.
Yeah.
Is that it? ( mutters ) Well, now, there's nothing for you to be nervous about, Mr.
Kramden.
Just relax and take it easy, and you'll get along a lot better.
Now, tell me, sir, are you married? Yes.
You're married.
And what is your wife's name? Mrs.
Kramden.
Well, that's fine.
Now her first name, I meant.
Her.
Who? Oh, her! Oh, yeah.
Uh, Alice.
Alice Kramden.
Uh-huh.
Now, I believe the announcer said you are from Brooklyn.
Have you lived in Brooklyn all your life, sir? ( silence ) ( mutters ): Uh uh My, uh, mother, uh, uh, father, uh They were they were there.
I guess.
Well, thank you very much, Mr.
Kramden.
You know, I have a great deal of respect for bus drivers.
It's always amazed me how you fellows who have this tremendous responsibility, and the-the tremendous number of people that you have to deal with, and the big machine, how you manage to remain so courteous and kind, and considerate all the time.
Yes, sir.
Well, of course, there are exceptions.
For example, the other day, I was standing on Madison Avenue in the rain, waiting for a bus, and as this bus driver bore down on me, I signaled for him to stop.
And you know, instead of stopping, he went right by, went through a puddle, and splashed mud all over me.
Was that you? Mr.
Kramden, I sure hope you win some money tonight, because I've got a cleaning bill for you.
And you know, now it's time for you to select a category, and I want you to be very careful in selecting this category, because all the questions you'll be asked come from this one category.
So take your time, and make up your mind what your selection's going to be.
( stammers ) Uh, popular songs.
Popular songs.
Very good, sir.
Now ANNOUNCER: I'm sorry to interrupt, Herb, but our time is up! Oh, I'm sorry, Mr.
Kramden.
We seem to have run out of time, but we'd like you to come back next week, and try for the first hurdle on the way to The $99,000 Answer.
Can you be with us? Yes, sir.
Thank you very much, Mr.
Kramden, and good night, sir.
Thank you.
( tentative applause ) Oh, no, no, Mr.
Kramden.
No, no.
This way.
Good night, Mr.
Kramden.
Good night.
( applause ) Good night, ladies and gentlemen, good night.
( fanfare plays ) Trixie! I'm home! Alice.
Oh, Alice, I could hardly wait till you got home.
Hey, Ralph looked wonderful on television.
Oh, Trixie, it was so exciting.
Oh, I'll bet.
Isn't Ralph here? No, he decided to stay downstairs.
He's waiting for people to go by and recognize him.
Who could recognize him at this hour? Alice, it's dark out.
Oh, he thought of that.
Look-- there he is, standing under the streetlight with his hat off.
Oh.
Well, on second thought, I don't know if I'd act any different.
You know, if I were in his place.
'Cause, gee, if I were on a big television show and seen by millions of people.
Ooh! Oh, listen, Trixie, don't get me wrong.
I'm very proud that Ralph is on this show.
Yeah.
Only thing is, I know Ralph.
You know the way he has of steaming himself up and getting over-enthused.
You know he's apt to build himself way up to a letdown, and then he'll just feel miserable.
Yeah.
But, Alice, just between us, hint to Ralph always to face the camera, 'cause when he turns profile, brother, he's the biggest thing on television.
( laughs ) Say, Trix, what about Ed? Did he see the show? Oh, yeah, he watched it with the boys down at the bowling alley.
Look, I bet he'll stop in here to see Ralph on his way upstairs, but I got to get up there.
Now, look, I'll see you in the morning, huh, honey? All right.
Night, Trix.
Bye.
Well, I learned something tonight, Alice.
You're never too old to learn something, and tonight, I learned something.
There isn't one person, not one person in this building that hasn't got a jealous nature.
Ralph, what are you talking about? I stood down in front of this door since you left me.
Not one person come up and congratulated me.
And not only that.
Not even one person admitted that they saw me on the program.
Now, Ralph, how can you talk like that? Norton was over at the bowling alley with all your friends watching the show.
And Trixie was just here to say she saw you on the show.
She was? Well, uh what did she think of me? Well, she said you're the biggest thing on television.
You know, that Trixie's a good kid.
And Norton's all right, too.
There are two true-blue friends.
Well, they won't regret it.
Because when I celebrate, they'll celebrate with me.
Celebrate what? Celebrate the winning of The $99,000 Answer, that's what.
It won't be long now, sweetheart.
We'll be living on Park Avenue.
And wait till you see how different this furniture looks when it's in a Park Avenue apartment.
Ralph, aren't you being a little bit too ambitious? You've heard some of those questions.
They get pretty tough after the first two.
So what? That's why I picked the subject that I know.
Popular songs.
I know all about popular songs.
I know, Ralph, but you're not an expert.
What do you mean, I'm not an expert? Ever since I was a kid, Alice, I liked music.
Especially popular music.
Ha.
When I was growing up, that's all I did.
I used to eat, sleep and think music.
I wasn't like those other bums around the neighborhood, you know.
Hanging around the pool room or hanging out in the corner.
Not me.
Every night in the week, I was up some ballroom listening to a dance band.
Ralph, I'd be very proud of you, you know, if you answered the first two questions and came home with $600.
$600? ( laughs ) A mere bag of shells.
Ralph, will you please be sensible? They don't hand you the $99,000.
You got to answer questions, Ralph, and they're very tough questions.
I know what you're trying to say, Alice.
What you're trying to say is your husband is too dumb to answer any questions.
Well, that's where you're wrong.
And for your information, a 12-year-old kid, on one of these programs, walked in and answered the $16,000 question.
Stands to reason, me, a grown man-- I must be able to answer the same questions that a 12-year-old kid can answer.
Spell "anti-disestablishmentarianism.
" I'll spell it.
I'll spell it! Well? Go ahead.
I'll spell it when you give me $16,000 for spelling it! $16,000 for spelling it? I'll give you $32,000 if you can say it! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Bang! Zoom! Now, look, Ralph.
I don't doubt that you know a lot about popular songs.
Let's say you know all there is to know about popular songs.
There is just one thing that you're overlooking, Ralph.
You're going on a television show, a big television show.
Millions of people are going to be looking at you.
And big money at stake.
Well, you're liable to get nervous, Ralph, and forget what you do know.
Any person could do that.
Are you kidding? Ha.
I'm at my best when I'm under pressure.
I never get nervous.
( chuckles ): Oh.
That's right, I forgot.
You're always calm.
You have to be in the kind of work you do.
You're a man who "brives the dus.
" Go ahead, Alice.
Try to discourage me.
But you're getting no place, 'cause I'm going for that $99,000 answer! And I'm not leaving one stone unturned.
There'll be no chances for mistakes.
I'm not leaving this house once this week.
I'm staying in every night, and I'm studying every song that was ever written.
I'm going to buy sheet music and study that.
I'm going to buy records and study them.
I'm going to rent a piano, I'm going to have Norton come down here and play the piano.
Every song he's ever heard, and I'm going to study them.
Ralph, that's going to cost us a fortune! It'll take every penny we have saved.
We won't have one cent left in the bank.
When the smoke clears away, we'll have $99,000.
Yes, sir, this is the time I'm going to get my pot of gold.
Just go for the gold.
You've already got the pot.
( laughs ) ( sighs ) ( knock on door ) Just a minute.
Mother! Hello, Alice.
What are you doing here at this hour? Oh, here's the dress material that you said you wanted.
Oh, but you didn't have to make a special trip just for that.
Oh, I didn't.
We went to the movies in the neighborhood.
And so it wasn't out of our way to come here at all.
Well, why don't you sit down and have a cup of coffee? Oh, I can't.
Your father's waiting in the car, and he's double-parked.
How's "The Brain" doing? Oh, Mother.
What a week! The piano and the phonograph have been going every single night until 3:00 in the morning.
He's been fighting out the window with Mr.
Garrity upstairs.
Strangers have been dropping in here all the time to give him advice.
Letters have been pouring in all the time.
He's been staying home from work without any salary, paying for all of this stuff.
He's going to have to win that $99,000 just to break even.
Where is he now? He's down at Mrs.
Manicotti's.
She's helping him brush up on popular songs that were taken from Italian classics.
This boy isn't missing a trick.
Hmm.
Well, I've got to go.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for Ralph tomorrow night.
Thanks, Mom.
Say hello to Pop for me.
( coughs ) Ha! What is she doing here? Ralph.
Hello, Ralph! ( laughing ) Well, tomorrow's your big night.
I was talking to Alice about it, and there's just one thing I want You can save your breath, 'cause I know what the one thing is that you want to tell me.
The both of you.
That I should quit at the $600 question.
Well, I'm not.
I'm going on! On, on, on! To the $99,000 answer! But, Ralph, before you interrupted me, I was about to say, that I hoped you'd go on to the $99,000 answer.
Oh.
Well, Alice, I got to admit that now and then your mother shows a small, tiny bit of wisdom.
As a matter of fact, I can't wait to hear you answer that question.
Ha.
I want to see the expression on your face when you miss it! Why couldn't she have been with Custer when he got in that trouble, huh? Just for that, when we move to Park Avenue, she ain't getting a new address.
Ralph, I must be crazy to argue with you about this, but you got us moving to Park Avenue, winning $99,000, and you haven't even answered the first question yet.
I am going to bed.
Big deal! Stay in there.
( door closes ) Hey there, Ralphie boy.
Oh, give me land, lots of land Deedle-deedle deedle-dee Don't deedle-deedle deedle I got it-- "Don't Fence Me In," written by Cole Porter for the picture Hollywood Canteen in the year 1944, produced by Warner Brothers.
Correct! ( laughs ) Ralphie, you're hotter than a firecracker.
When you run into that master of ceremonies, he's going to run out of hurdles, you know.
( laughter ) Sit down, pal.
How did you do with, uh, Mrs.
Manicotti? I left her speechless.
Yeah.
She did everything in her power to stick me.
( both laugh ) I guessed the English name to every one of the Italian songs that she sang.
Oh, boy.
Well, I bought a few old movie-type songs and things like that along.
Don't look at the sheet music.
No cheating, now.
Just I don't have to look, pal.
All right.
You just play them, and I'll name them.
All right.
Come on with that thing! This is my last night to brush up on the songs.
Now, let's not waste any time.
Get going.
All right.
( playing "Swanee River" ) Will you wait a minute, please? Why must you always play ( humming tune of "Swanee River" ) before you go in and play the song I'm trying to guess? If I told you once, I told you a hundred times.
It's the only way I can warm up before I play the piano.
A pitcher warms up before he pitches a ball game, I got to warm up that way before I play the piano.
I hope I don't have to tell you this again.
Are you ready? Go ahead and play.
( playing "Swanee River" ) Oh.
( playing "Shuffle Off to Buffalo" ) That's all, that's all, that's all.
"Shuffle Off to Buffalo," written by Warren and Dubin for a little picture called 42nd Street.
The year was 1932.
Absolutely right.
All right, here's another one.
Don't look at the music, now.
Don't need it, my friend, don't need it.
Now, this is a little change in tempo.
Don't let it throw you.
All righty.
( plays "Swanee River" ) ( plays tune ) "Just Too Marvelous For Words" written by Johnny Mercer and Richard Whiting for a picture called Ready, Willing and Able.
" The year was 19 37.
Absolutely correct.
Boy, you are hot.
All right, this one might throw you.
This one, uh, goes back a little ways.
Ready? ( playing "Swanee River" ) Aye.
( playing tune ) ( rapping on door ) I think that was Come in! Come in! Oh-ho.
There he is, Jealous McGarrity.
Look, why don't you shut up in here? You driving everybody crazy! I'm not driving anybody crazy.
You're just jealous, that's all.
And do you know why you're jealous? Because you know that at this time tomorrow night, my picture will be on the front page of every newspaper in the country.
Well, so will mine! For killing you! Ralph.
Here you are, loudmouth! Now you woke up my wife! Ed, I realize that I cannot talk to Ralph because he is stubborn and unreasonable.
But I have always had great respect for your sense of fair play, and so I appeal to you.
It is late.
People would like to go to sleep.
I think you should stop playing the piano.
And I am sure that you will agree with me, Ed, because you have always been fair and considerate.
You are a reasonable man.
Don't let her soft-soap you.
Don't let her soft-soap you.
You're just as unreasonable as I am.
Go ahead and play.
If you touch that piano again, I'll lose all my respect for you.
Go ahead and play, Norton, if you don't want to lose my friendship.
( clears throat ) Well, I'm in a spot.
If I play the piano, I lose her respect, if I don't play, I lose your friendship.
Why, oh why, was I blessed with this musical talent? ( knocking on door ) Thanks a lot.
That's the police.
I don't care if it is the police.
Let them in! Mrs.
Manicotti! Quiet, everyone.
( singing in Italian ) I have it-- "Take Me Back to Sorrento.
" Ernesto de Keesta! Hmm.
I give up! Well, that's the way it goes.
The whole house has gone crazy.
Going crazy? I suppose she's crazy 'cause she wants to help me? Give me a little chance, help me out with the names of songs.
That's a little more than I can say for you.
Ralph, I've been trying to help you by being sensible.
If you had listened to me in the first place, you could have avoided putting all this pressure on yourself.
For the last time, Alice, I'm telling you.
I'm going for the $99,000 question.
For the last time, Ralph, I'll be very proud if you win the 600 bucks.
Peanuts, peanuts.
What am I going to do with peanuts? Eat 'em, like any other elephant.
( door closes ) Ho-ho! Ho-ho! Bang, zoom! Play the piano! ( plays "Swanee River" ) ( plays tune ) And now, the star of our show, Herb Norris! ( applause ) Thank you, thank you very much.
And welcome to America's most exciting show, The $99,000 Answer.
And now, Tom, who is our first guest, please? Herb, our first guest, ready to leap the first hurdle, on his way to the $99,000 answer, is our bus driver from Brooklyn, Mr.
Ralph Kramden! ( applause and cheering ) How do you do, Mr.
Kramden? How do you do? It's nice to see you again.
It's nice to be back here.
Now, I remember last week, we had just got to the point in the program where you had selected your category, popular songs.
Yes, sir.
Isn't that right? Now, you've had a whole week to prepare.
Tell me, have you done much studying? Oh, just a little.
( laughs ) Oh, just a just a little? Spare time sort of thing, huh? Sort of spare time.
I see, all right.
No sense of going over what you already know! Oh, I guess you're right, sir.
That's right.
Now, let's get on with our competition.
May we have the card, please, explaining the game and the first question? Thank you.
I have here your first question, now, Mr.
Kramden.
You know how The $99,000 Answer works.
We start with the first question, worth $100.
Then our second hurdle is worth $600.
After that, our hurdles become higher, and naturally, the questions become a little more difficult.
Our fourth hurdle is worth $6,187.
50.
And if you answer that, the next one is worth $12,375.
Now, then, we keep rolling along and doubling the money until finally, you get to the $99,000 answer.
Now, you can stop any time you feel like it and take what money you've won up to that point.
Now, is that all clear, Mr.
Kramden? It certainly is, and if I may, I'd like to make a little statement.
Well, surely.
Go right ahead.
I intend to go straight on, forge ahead to the $99,000 answer.
( applause and cheering ) That's wonderful, Mr.
Kramden.
I, uh I think it's only fair to point out to you, though, that you don't need to make that decision now.
You can stop at any time you want to and take the money you've accumulated.
Well, I made up my mind, and I thought you might as well know it, and I know it, and they know it, and everybody knows it.
I see.
Well, sir, tell me, have you discussed this at home? Have you talked it over with your wife? Yes, I did, and regardless, I am going for the $99,000 answer.
I see.
Well, that's quite a decision.
I guess you really know your popular songs, huh? Well, I don't like to All right, Mr.
Kramden, I wish you a lot of luck, and here's your first question for $100.
Are you ready? I certainly am.
All right, Mr.
Kramden, for $100, who is the composer of "Swanee River?" "Swanee River?" That's right, "Swanee River.
" Can we have a few bars of "Swanee River," Jose? ( piano plays "Swanee River" ) That's "Swanee River?!" That's right.
Now, who's the composer? Your time's running out.
Hurry up.
You better take a guess.
( stammers ) Ed Norton? Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Mr.
Kramden.
No.
The correct answer is Stephen Foster.
But thanks so much.
You've been a wonderful contestant and a swell sport.
Good-bye, Mr.
Kramden.
Good-bye, Mr.
Kramden.
I'll be seeing you.
"I'll Be Seeing You,"-- Irving Kahal.
Irving Kahal and Sammy Fain, 1938! Now, Mr.
Kramden, it's all over now.
"It's All Over Now," Basie Simon, 1927.
No, no.
Good night, Mr.
Kramden.
Good night, good night-- there were two songs, good night.
It was "Good Night, Irene," written by Lomax and Ledbetter, "Good night, Sweetheart," written by Rudy Vallee and Ray Noble.
No Then there was another This way, sir.
Please? Please? "Please" was sung by Bing Crosby and