The New Adventures of Old Christine s04e18 Episode Script

How exciting.
A field trip to the planetarium.
What a day for my nanny to be sick.
I don't feel sorry for you.
My nanny's waiting for kidneys.
I won't have help for months.
Oh,i used to come here for midnight laser shows.
As soon as the lights went out, They cranked up the pink floyd.
Within seconds,this whole place smelled Like the inside of my high school boyfriend's van.
You gonna have a flashback? Do you want to call your sponsor? I don't do drugs! Oh,well,your eyes are red and your speech is slurred, So we just assumed.
Yeah,okay,for your information, I'm not some druggie loser,okay? My eyes are red Because i've been crying because my life is sad.
And my speech is slurred because i'm holding in a filling With my tongue.
So ha! Oh,come on.
It's starting.
Can we just sit down? - lindsay,switch with me.
- why? Because i don't want to sit behind the financial aid kid.
That's ritchie! Yeah,switch with me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to get up? Yeah,30 pounds harder than me.
Let's go.
You know what,christine? You're short.
Let me have the aisle so i can stretch my legs.
I'm not short.
I'm five-five.
Or four.
Three.
Two.
All right,fine.
Oh! This seat is all wet! Did something happen? Oh,no.
Lindsay,did something happen? I didn't even hear you sneeze this time.
It's not that.
I am soaked.
Oh,no.
Wait.
I'm soaked,too.
I think our water broke.
You share water? - christine,you're gonna have to take usto the hospital.
- me? Yeah,we can't drive ourselves.
We're going into labor.
It'll be a treat.
You get to drive a $50,000 car.
Oh,fine.
Ow! Ow! Ow! I think i'm having a contraction! You're imagining it.
It doesn't happen that fast.
Oh,come on.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Someone's stepping on my toe! Ah! presents ytet-¿¨»Ò old christine season 04 episode 18 Here? A little more? Here? Okay.
What? Just gonna Stop.
No! Sorry.
God,you guys are so lucky to be in the hospital With adjustable beds and free cable, People bringing you food.
Oh,it's gonna be pot roast for dinner! Man,i wish i had health insurance.
All right,well,good luck,ladies.
Happy babies.
What? You can't just leave us.
Sure,i can.
I'm sure Your husbands are gonna be here any minute.
Oh,our husbands aren't coming.
What? Why not? They're playing golf In scotland.
Why would they leave the country when you're nine months pregnant? Well,to be fair,they left when we were seven months pregnant.
Well,my rear end is wet from somebody else's water, So i'm not having a great day either.
Some friend you are.
Friend? I'm not your friend.
Christine,how could you say that?! That really hurts our feelings! Feelings? You don't have any feelings.
You guys are terrible to me.
You tease me and make fun of me,you spread rumors about me.
Yeah.
Friends.
Christine,we're just giving you the business.
- i do it to chub's over there all the time.
- she does.
Aw,christine,we love you.
We would have asked you to have a baby with us If you weren't so old,friend.
Oh! Christine,please don't leave us.
What about your parents? South america.
Betty ford.
Oh,god,christine,it hurts.
Please,we need you.
We have nobody.
And you of all people know how that feels.
- what?! - friend! What are you talking about? You two have each other.
Fine,well,you can forget about that intervention We were planning for you.
I don't need an intervention.
Fine,i'll stay,only if i can have a toke off that epidural.
Vote for april.
It your tux today? You have time.
New christine's mom came down to help With her wedding gown,so they kicked me out of the house.
What the hell is that? It's the same tux james bond wore incasino royale.
All i need is an aston martin convertible.
And some carpet staples to keep that from blowing off.
Oh,you noticed this? Must be bad lighting in here.
Yeah.
The lights areon.
I got it for the wedding.
New christine's family doesn't believe in bald.
And they believe in wearing beavers on your head? Wait.
Hello.
Matthew,it's an emergency.
I'm at the mar vista hospital.
I need you to come down here And bring me a dry pair of pants.
That was the call.
Yeah,see? The nice doctor's drugs make everything better.
Christine,you're a lifesaver.
You're my best friend.
Mine,too.
My best and most joyous friend.
I feel like i could tell you anything.
Oh,you know,please don't.
Christine,my husband doesn't know this, But i voted for barack obama! Oh,please,that's nothing.
Christine,my husband thinks i'm 32.
So,everyone skims off a year or two.
Yes,we can! Christine,do you recognize me? It's your brother matthew.
Yeah,i know who you are.
Who's the game-show host you brought with you? Oh,you noticed this? The light's terrible in here.
It's just gonna be candlelight at the wedding.
Yeah,i'd be careful with that.
That thing looks flammable.
So what's the emergency? Marly and lindsay are in labor.
I need your help.
What do you need us to do? Well,i need matthew to help me with the ladies, And you might want to go home and feed the ferret.
I can't go back to my house.
New christine's mom is here helping her with her wedding gown.
And lay off my hair.
It's not quite right,but it hasn't been styled yet.
Yeah,it hasn't stopped breathing yet either.
I'm not really sure what you want me to do in there.
I want you to help calm them down.
You're a therapist.
You know how to talk to crazies.
- christine! - we need you! Matthew is here to help me.
He was great when i was in labor.
Everything is gonna be okay.
Oh,i love you so much.
I love you.
Okay,love you,too.
Love you.
What's going on in there? I'm their friend.
I mean,as long as they're sedated.
Excuse me.
Can we talk About your memory of our child's birth? How exactly was matthew "great"? He was a 16-year-old close-up magician.
The only reason he showed up was because the maternity ward Was probably gonna be his only opportunity to see a vagina.
I saw three.
And i didn't see another one until after college.
Christine,i took care of you the whole night.
Oh,yeah,i remember.
You okay? Are you okay? Keep breathing.
Just keep breathing.
Keep breathing.
Push the button! Push it! Oh,oh,okay.
There we go.
Here we go.
Oh! Ow! Oh! I'm so sorry.
Are you okay? - yes.
Are you okay? - yes.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Keep breathing.
Stop telling me to breathe! What are you doing?! God,move me in! Move me in! In! Okay,okay,i'm gonna move you in.
Keep breathing.
Breathe.
Just breathe,breathe, Breathe.
Okay.
Breathe,breathe.
Get in the chair.
Okay.
Oh,okay.
Are you all right? Very nervous.
Very nervous.
Now just breathe.
That's all you rember? Well,that and the pot roast.
Christine,i'm starting to feel pain again! Me,too! Why am i feeling pain?! Matthew,they need us.
Are you ready? What's he gonna do? I beg your pardon.
I had a fall semester of medical school.
I'm 1/16th a doctor.
I watched the first eight seasons ofer.
We're tied.
You know what? I can't get into this right now.
I have patients to attend to.
Excuse me.
For the record,i did a few things right that night,too.
It doesn't matter anymore.
It matters because your memories are manufactured.
And your hair is manufactured,so we're even.
Matthew can handle it.
He's a rock.
And i'm done with vaginas.
But they are not done with you.
Matthew,are you gonna be okay? Yeah,yeah,i think so.
Boy,i didn't see anything like those after college.
They look so angry.
Yeah,well,just wait.
Pretty soon,they're gonna start throwing things.
Do you want to sit down? No,no.
I just needed to catch my breath.
I'm cool,though.
Christine,help us! We need you! Okay,we gotta go back in.
No,no,i'm never going in there again As a doctor or a man.
Well,for god's sakes,matthew.
All right,fine.
I'll go do this by myself.
Is it really that bad in there? Oh,yeah,there's some kind of a liquid and,uh,swelling of the and then what looked like a clump of grapes.
Come on.
Let's get you some ice chips,doc.
Oh,god.
Christine,we need more drugs.
We can't do this.
They can't give you any more,because you're too far along.
I don't care.
I can really feel this.
I have money; why do i have to feel things? They said they can't give you any more drugs.
They can't,but you can.
What do you have in your purse? Won't even be able to get out of the parking lot.
Well,you drink a ton of wine.
Go get us some wine! No! Wine isn't good for your babies.
It has been nine months; the brains are done by now.
Okay,believe me,if i had wine, I would've broken it out three centimeters ago.
- oh,god! - oh,i'm sorry.
I'm sorry you're in All this pain,but it's gonna be over soon,okay? And then you're gonna have your beautiful babies.
And your husbands will be home from scotland, And everything will be fine.
It will not be fine.
My husband is in scotland.
And there's a 50% chance That this baby will be a tennis pro.
Okay,but you're gonna have a beautiful baby.
And the baby will love you.
No,no.
The baby will love me for a couple of months.
But then it'll start crying for the nanny.
And then i'll have to fire the nanny.
And then i'll have to take care of it myself.
Oh,god,you're so lucky you're divorced.
And too old to have a baby.
Lucky? What? What,are you kidding me? I go to bed alone every night,all right? My baby is 13 years old; he doesn't need me anymore.
And i'm so stressed out, My fillings are falling out of my teeth.
And you two are my only friends! Hey,what's going on? Oh,god,we can't do this,okay? It's just so hard to be a mom.
It breaks your heart every day.
God help us all.
Okay,okay.
Everybody needs to settle down, Because everything is gonna be okay.
Okay,you sit right there.
You're gonna be my special helper.
Okay? Marly,i need you to relax.
No.
And i need you to kill me.
Okay,okay.
Come on now.
Take five fast breaths.
I'll do it with you.
Ready? Here we go.
Here we go.
Okay.
That's it.
Way to go.
You got this,no problem.
I want you to keep breathing.
Okay,slow it down now.
Now we're gonna take three long breaths.
Okay.
Ready? Everybody,here we go.
There we go.
There we go.
That's it,that's it.
- okay.
Everything's gonna be all right.
- okay.
Richard,come see if i'm gonna be all right.
Oh,god.
How you doing,sunshine? Ice chips.
I want you to just keep breathing,okay? Your breathing is the key.
I'll do anything you want me to do.
You don't play tennis,do you? Right now,i just want you to keep breathing.
Do you want me to breathe,too,richard? Yes.
Everyone should keep breathing until i say otherwise.
- hey,mars.
- hey.
You're doing an amazing job,sister.
In fact,i think it's time to get the doctor in here And meet those beautiful babies.
Keep breathing,okay? I am really proud of you guys.
Well,do we really need the doctor? I mean,can't you just do it? Yeah,you're so wonderful.
And the doctor doesn't love us the way you do.
I'll talk to him.
Keep breathing.
I'll be right back.
You were amazing in there with them.
You're like that guy in florida who puts the crocodiles to sleep By rubbing their stomachs.
Yeah,well,you forgot i can be pretty good in a crisis.
You were perfect.
I think marly and lindsay might have fallen in love with you a little bit.
What? Why you looking at me like that? I was just rembering the night that ritchie was born.
Are you okay? You okay,baby? Oh,it hurts like a mother.
Oh,no.
Oh,no.
Here comes another one.
- okay,breathe,breathe.
- here comes.
Okay,just breathe.
Okay.
The contractions are coming closer together, And you seem to be handling the pain better.
Oh,richard! I - i can't do this.
I don't think i can do this.
You listen to me.
You can do this.
You are a strong,sexy,amazing woman.
And you look so beautiful.
Do i really? Yes.
I've never been more in love with you than i am tonight.
Oh,another one! Breathe,breathe.
I mean,you were wonderful that night.
Why do i only remember the bad stuff? Everyone does that.
It's part of maintaining a successful divorce.
If you started thinking i was wonderful,what would happen? Yeah,what would happen? I'm gonna go get the doctor.
Okay,i'm gonna wait right here.
Hey,matthew,i have a problem.
So do i.
There's no place to look in this hospital That doesn't make you want to throw up.
I think i'm falling back in love with richard.
Christine,richard's engaged.
I mean,you've both moved on with your lives.
Your relationship,it's ancient history.
- what are you doing? - i don't know.
Something happened in that delivery room.
It was just so beautiful.
Beautiful? You must have been looking at it From a different angle than i was.
It was like a mob hit.
What am i gonna do? Get over it! The guy's getting married in a couple of weeks.
I know; i'm the maid of honor.
It's like i'm in some bad j-lo movie.
Christine,i need to talk to you.
- matthew,get lost.
- no,no.
I am not leaving you alone with him.
I am a grown woman,okay? I can control myself.
What is it you want to talk about,handsome? Christine I had some weird feelings about you In the delivery room.
I was just telling matthew, I had some weird feelings,too.
I - i think it was Being back in that room with you, Remembering the night ritchie was born.
It confused me.
I think i'm fell a little bit in love with you again.
Oh,i think i'm a little in love with you,too.
This is great.
No,this is not great.
This isn't real.
It feels real.
In fairness,richard,you also thought your hair felt real.
So-so what do we do? I don't know.
Have sex? I can't.
I'm engaged.
Right? Yes.
Right.
Look,you both had an emotional response to a shared experience.
That doesn't mean you need to throw away A perfectly good divorce.
You know what,maybe try and think of some of the other Shared experiences that led to that perfectly good divorce.
There's a lot you didn't like about each other.
Don't shrink us,matthew,okay? We are two stable adults who happen to have Some unresolved feelings that we should just Probably explore sexually.
Right? I mean It sounds right.
Y - you know what? It-it does seem like you guys know what you're doing here.
Maybe,i-i was probably wrong.
You should probably just see where this goes,you know? Spend a lot of time together.
Maybe start with dinner.
Thank you,matthew.
We really appreciate that.
Thank you.
- so you want to go get something to eat? - sure.
Where should we go? Oh,i don't care.
I'll go anywhere you want to go.
You pick,i'll treat.
Aw,that's nice.
Hey,christine,what are you up for? I don't know.
I'm starving though; i haven't eaten all day.
Really? Thought i saw you eat.
No.
I had,like,two bags of chips and some pot roast, But i didn't eat.
Just because you don't sit down and use utensils Doesn't mean you aren't eating.
What is that? Is that a joke about how much i eat? Aw,that's nice.
You guys are back to joking with each other.
'Cause it kind of sounded like you were calling me an animal.
And the only animal i saw today was that guinea pig You were wearing on top of your head.
Why do you have to keep bringing up my hair? Why do you keep calling it hair? What is that,christine? What is that? What? What do you mean,what is that? What,is that jealousy? No,it's not jealousy, It's a fear of rabies.
Just trying to take a little pride in my appearance.
It's like when you put that bleach on your upper lip To make your mustache less noticeable.
You have no ambition and a funky relationship with your mother! Oh,we're gonna talk about mothers? You turned into your mother.
With your father's mustache! All right,you need to get out of here,all right? You need to get out of here before i shove your What?! What?! My what,christine?! What are you gonna shove?! So did you two pick out a restaurant?