All In The Family s04e19 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The hit parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days Oh, gee, look out! Jeez! Sorry, Arch! It was slipping! Smushed the knuckles on my hand! Lift it up over the jewel post here.
You got it? Here we go.
Yeah.
Whoa! Gee, bring it down, would you? Right, now, hold it steady there while I start to plane from this end.
How do you know how much to shave off to keep it from sticking? Because last night when all the little meatheads was asleep, the good fairy come and he made a pencil mark there.
Nowhang on there.
Here we go.
There's nothing coming out.
It's a delicate instrument.
It's a plane.
It ain't an ax.
It's supposed to take off just a little microscope at a time.
There we are.
Where did you get it? From Irene Lorenzo.
She loaned it to me.
I think it would have been quicker if she had loaned you an eraser.
Don't be funny, huh? Just hold the thing steady.
Working with you is like trying to shave a guy with the hiccups.
There.
Maybe the blade needs sharpening.
I took the whole thing apart.
I sharpened the blade.
I put it all back together again! Don't tell me about tools! EDITH: Ooh, are you fixing the door, Archie? No, Edith, I'm making a raft so we can sail over to Jersey.
Hi, everybody! MIKE: Hello.
Gloria, where are the groceries? Didn't you go to Ferguson's Market? Oh, yeah, but George, the box boy, offered to carry them home for me.
Oh, no wonder you was late.
You was with George, the nutcase.
Arch, he's not a nut.
He just happens to be retarded.
That's all.
That's what I said.
A nutcase.
Would you quit calling him a nut? George is a human being just like you or me.
You're half right.
He's just like you.
Where is George? Ain't he with you? Oh, yeah, yeah, but he said he wanted to come in the back door because he didn't want to track mud through the living room.
Oh, that was nice.
Ooh, George! Have you been out there a long time? Uh-huh.
Well, the door was open.
Why didn't you come in? Oh, no.
Dad says, "Always wait till you're asked in.
" You gonna ask me in, Gloria? Of course, George.
Come on in.
Thanks.
Hello, Mrs.
Bunker.
Hello, George.
Thank you for helping Gloria.
Oh, I like helping Gloria.
I like you helping me, George.
I like helping you, Gloria.
I like you helping me, George.
I like helping you, Gloria.
I like you helping Gloria, George.
[LAUGHING.]
WOMEN: Ooh! Did you get eggs? Oh, yeah, Mom.
I got a dozen eggs.
Ah, see, no casualties.
Oh, that's good.
Archie don't like his eggs scrambled, unless they're cooked.
I'll just put these away.
Oh, thank you, George.
Gloria.
Yeah? I really like you.
Oh, and I like you too, George.
I guess that makes you my girlfriend, huh? Yeah.
I guess it does.
You know why? No.
Why? Because you don't say things to me.
You talk to me.
Well, that's because I like you.
And I talk to you too.
That's right.
Because I'm your boyfriend.
Because I love you.
Oh, that's very sweet, George, but I think you mean you like me.
Oh, okay.
Oh, come on, George, with me into the living room.
I, uh-- I left my purse in there.
What do you mean "press harder"? I'm pressing as hard as I can.
There's nothing coming out! Hello, Mr.
Bunker.
Hello, Mike.
Oh, hiya, Georgie, there.
Hey, uh, you carried the bags home from the store all right.
George, you done a good job.
Oh, thanks, Mr.
Bunker.
You working on a door, huh? [SHOUTING.]
Yeah, George, I'm working on a door over here.
Wait a minute.
I'm going to learn him something.
Hey, George, you see what I'm working with here? A plane.
Do you know what a plane is, George? What I'm doing with the plane is I'm shaving down the door because the door is too wide, George, and if the door is too wide-- It don't fit? [SHOUTS.]
It don't fit, George.
You're right.
You're absolutely right! Why are you shouting, Mr.
Bunker? Archie, why are you shouting? I can hear you all the way upstairs.
Here you go, George.
Thanks for helping me.
Oh, no, Gloria.
But, George, you carried the bags.
No, that's my job.
They pay me at the store.
Oh.
Of course.
Thank you, George.
Oh, that's good, George.
You just remember that all the time.
It ain't nice to take tips.
Is that what you tell your passengers when you're driving Munson's cab? [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Well, I think I'd better be getting back to the store.
They don't like me being away too long.
Oh, George, you can go out the front door.
Oh, no, Mr.
Ferguson says always use the back door.
But wait a minute, wait a minute there, George.
What do you mean Ferguson says use the back door? You can use the front door any time you want.
Hey, you don't have to rush back to the store, do you, hey? You can take a little break from work, George.
Oh, I don't know, Mr.
Bunker.
Oh, come on, George.
Don't let no bosses push you around that way.
You see, that's why these guys hires kids like this.
To take advantage of them.
Now, you just tell them the customer's always right, George, and I'm Archie Bunker, the customer, and I'm telling you you can take a break.
Okay, Mr.
Bunker.
Arch, what if he gets in trouble? He ain't going to get in no trouble.
I'll handle everything.
Just stay out of this and hold the door will you, you meathead? Oh! Meat! I forgot to put the meat in the freezer.
ARCHIE: There's something here.
I don't think it's working, Mr.
Bunker.
Listen.
You don't understand.
It's a very tricky job here.
Yeah, but you got to have little curly bits of wood coming out up there.
I know.
I know all about the curly bits of wood there.
But you see, uh I tell you what, George.
See the chair there? Why don't you just sit down in the chair.
Go on.
And you just watch me work and don't talk, see? Okay, Mr.
Bunker.
I like watching.
Yeah, you watch, George.
Maybe you'll learn something.
Here we go.
[GEORGE WHISTLING TUNELESSLY.]
Hey, George, do you know some other song? Oh, I'm sorry, Mr.
Bunker.
Oh, no, no.
Don't worry about it, kid.
I ain't mad at you or anything.
It's just that that one kind of grapes on my nerves.
Would you like me to fix that plane for you, Mr.
Bunker? Heh-heh, no, George.
I tell you what.
Here, here.
Give me your hand, George.
Give me your hand.
I'm going to take you right into the kitchen in here.
See, George, when you get into the kitchen, you ask Gloria to give you a cookie.
And then you tell Gloria to give you a can of beer for me.
You think you can do them two things? Sure, Mr.
Bunker.
Good! Good.
You go ahead, Georgie.
Yeah, good boy, Georgie.
Good boy.
That's the way you got to talk to them.
Keep them calm.
You talked to him like he was a dog.
What are you talking about? I thought you were going to pat him and toss him a bone.
If I did, at least he'd fetch it.
You'd eat it.
It's nice the way George is always smiling.
He always looks so happy.
Edith, you don't understand them people, you see? Being happy is just a part of being crazy.
What? What? That's right.
Why do you think them people go around smiling all the time? Because they ain't smart enough to know how lousy everything is.
I'm going to go check on that beer in there.
You see, he don't move as fast as you do.
Uh, George, I can't reach.
Oh, I'll do it.
Okay.
Oh.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! What's this? What's this? Oh, hiya, Daddy.
You can put me down now, George.
Thank you.
George is helping me put the groceries away.
That's right, Mr.
Bunker.
I'm just helping my girlfriend.
You're helping your what? My girlfriend.
Your girlfriend? That's right, Daddy, we're friends.
Uh, George, do me a favor.
Don't lift her up in the air no more, huh? Okay, Mr.
Bunker.
Yeah.
Remember that, huh, George? Hey, you, you jerk.
You better get out in the kitchen and protect your wife.
What? He's lifting her up in the air.
She's getting him excited.
You know what he's calling her? He's calling her his girlfriend! Do you like that? Oh, Arch, it doesn't mean the same thing to George.
Oh, ho, ho, listen.
Them people ain't got much mind, but what mind they got is all on the one track.
What do you mean, Archie? This ain't for you.
He's talking about sex.
Shush in front of Edith.
Arch, that's a myth! Retarded people have no more of a sex drive than anybody else.
Oh, yeah, then why are you on automatic all the time? Archie, I've got to talk to you.
Why? What do you want to talk about? Well, it's private.
Oh, Edith, come on, will you? What? What? What? I've got to go to the bathroom.
Well, go to the bathroom.
I can't.
Why can't you? You got the door.
What do you want me to do? Carry it all the way back upstairs here? I got to have privacy.
Suppose somebody comes by? Tell you what you do.
Sing, and nobody will come near you.
Gloria, could I have Mr.
Bunker's beer now? I think I'd better be getting back.
Oh, sure.
Here you go, George.
Thanks.
[LAUGHS.]
Gloria, can I carry your bags next time too? Oh, of course you can, George.
Thanks, Gloria.
I wasn't talking no different Shush! Shush, you! Here you go, Mr.
Bunker.
Oh! George, you brung me back out my beer, here.
George, you done a good job! Come on, Arch.
I guess I'd better be going now.
No, wait a minute.
There's something I want to tell you.
Hang on to that.
George, I want to give you a little advice.
You shouldn't go lifting girls up in the air no more, George.
See? Because they're very delicate.
And you're strong.
You might hurt them, see? You heard that old saying, George? Girls are made of sugar and spice-- All right, Arch.
Will you cut it out? Will you shut up? I know how to talk to a D-U-M-M-Y.
I'm not dumb! I know how to spell and I'm not dumb.
Oh, jeez, I didn't know you spelled, George.
You're making fun of me like some bad boys on my street do.
No, I ain't.
Yes, you are.
Well, I can show you something, Mr.
Bunker.
I'm gonna show you.
I'm gonna show you all.
GLORIA: Oh, George! George, don't go! George! What did you do that for? What? Why do you have to talk to him like that? I didn't say nothing.
Daddy! How could you do that?! "I know how to talk in front of a D-U-M-M-Y.
" What is that? Oh, jeez, I didn't mean nothing by that.
[ALL YELLING.]
Get off of my back, the two of youse.
Youse never understand anything I try to do.
EDITH [SINGING OUT OF TUNE.]
: Moon river How come my ice cream ain't here yet? Well, Gloria will be back soon.
Ferguson's Market ain't crowded this time of night.
Well, I don't want to wait any more.
Come on, Meathead.
Let's get back working on that door, we'll get it finished.
All right.
Gloria wouldn't have had to go back to Ferguson's if she hadn't been fooling around with that dopey kid.
Should have heard the way she was talking to him.
How did you want her to talk to him? The way you did? Calling him a dummy? I didn't know he could spell big words.
And anyway, all I meant was that you had to be careful.
A big kid like that could have hurt her.
He don't know his own strength.
Oh, George is a nice, gentle boy.
He wouldn't hurt a fly.
Oh, Edith, he wouldn't mean to.
But you remember that picture with Lon Chaney? Of Mouse And Men? Hey? These kids! George could have played the man that killed a mouse.
I thought that was The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame had the big, fat English actor, Charles Lawson in it.
Lon Chaney was in the silent picture.
No, Edith, there was no silent picture of The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame was about a guy that goes deaf because of the loud bells.
How could there be loud bells in a silent movie? I never thought of that.
You never thought of it.
That's the trouble with the world today.
Nobody is doing any thinking.
Now, hang onto this door, will you? Unless you want to hear your mother-in-law singing Moon River for the rest of your life.
ARCHIE: Here we go.
I thought that was your favorite song.
Yeah, it was, until this morning.
I feel just awful.
You know what they did down at Ferguson's? Oh, don't tell me they're out of butter pecan.
No, Daddy, they fired George.
EDITH: Oh, no! Why did they do that? One of the checkers said that some of the customers have been complaining about George.
Oh, well, that figures.
What do you mean, "that figures"? I mean it figures because he's probably doing the same thing down at Ferguson's he was doing here this morning.
Lifting girls up in the air.
Oh! No, Daddy, that's not it.
It seems that there was a line of people waiting for box boys and George was very late getting back to work this morning.
Oh, my, I hope it ain't because we kept him here talking? I think it is, Ma.
Oh, Archie! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, come on, will you? I'll get it.
You must be Mrs.
Bunker.
Yeah.
I'm Pat Bushmill.
George's father.
George, the box boy down at Ferguson's Market.
Oh, George.
Well, come in, Mr.
Bushmill.
Look who's here.
George's father.
That's my daughter Gloria.
And this is my-- Look, uh Mrs.
Bunker, I don't want to interrupt you, but I am in a hurry.
See, I just heard that George lost his job at Ferguson's because he was late getting back from here.
We know.
I'm sorry.
We didn't mean to keep him that long.
Edith, don't be talking as if it's our fault that the boy got fired.
We didn't do nothing.
I only gave him a cookie.
I told him he was entitled and ought to take himself a break from work.
You told that boy to take a break in the middle of a work day? Where do you come off doing a thing like that? Well, why not? He deserves a break like anybody else, even if he is a kid with half his marbles.
Oh, Daddy, how can you say a thing like that? MR.
BUSHMILL: It's okay.
Folks, I've heard it all before.
And it's just this kind of attitude, see, that got George fired.
Now, them markets are just waiting for an excuse to get rid of kids like my boy.
Hold it.
Don't get sore.
Because I commensurate with you on all of that.
It must be hard to raise a kid like that.
Mr.
Bushmill, George must feel terrible about being fired.
How's he taking it? I don't know.
He didn't come home! He didn't come home? No.
Oh, gee.
We don't know where he went.
He didn't tell us where he was going so if you don't mind-- All I know is that he ran out of here saying, "I'll show you! I'll show you!" W-w-wait a minute.
Hold it.
Are you sure those are the words he used? Yes, I'm sure.
Then that means he's going to come back to show you something.
He'll be back here! Oh, jeez.
Look Do you mind if I wait here for him? Well, now, to tell you the truth-- Not at all, Mr.
Bushmill.
Let me have your coat.
Oh, thanks.
Would you like some coffee and ice cream? [ARCHIE SARCASTICALLY IMITATES EDITH.]
Just coffee.
Why don't you sit down.
Oh, jeez.
Yeah, but not in my-- Oh, what's the use! Get out of my way.
Get over there.
Uh, how do you know that your son George is really coming back here to this house, uh, Mr.
George? Bushmill.
Whatever.
I mean, maybe he forgot where the house is.
No, not George.
Why would he forget? He's been here lots of times.
Yeah, well, just because today he got fired from his job, maybe it got him all mixed up, you know? It must be awful tough getting a job like that in the first place, huh? You don't know the half of it.
Let me ask you something.
Could you hire my boy down where you work? Where I work? No.
To start with, you got to be on your toes, you know? And to be on your toes, you got to know where your toes are.
Funny.
Funny.
Everybody's got excuses.
You see, that's why these kids don't have a real chance to hold onto jobs.
Now, if they did, they would do great.
Yeah, but after all, you know the reverse advice is true.
I mean, uh, people do get a little scared of them kids.
You know, they don't know what they're going to do.
Maybe they'd play with matches.
Matches? Yeah, there was a kid like that where Edith and me used to live on Union Street.
He set fire to a canary.
You're not talking about somebody who was mentally handicapped.
You're talking about pyromania.
No, no.
I think the family was from Hungaria.
Where is that? You know, Arch, you ought to be in the Guinness Book of World Records.
Most Stupid Remarks Made in a Single Day.
Nuts to you, buddy.
Don't pay no attention to him over there.
He's always thinking I'm going to say the wrong thing about everything.
But you and me, we're both fathers.
We understand these things.
Say, why don't you put that son of yours in one of them homes? What? Yeah, why not? They're awful good.
The kids work there.
They teach them useful things to do like-- What do they teach? Weaving baskets.
Get one thing straight, Bunker.
My kid doesn't have to weave baskets, you understand? He's going to make it on his own like his brother.
Oh, jeez, you got another one like that? It don't run in families, eh? As a matter of fact, George's brother just passed his bar exam.
Oh, yeah? Where does he tend bar? You just broke your own record! George's brother is a lawyer.
Now, you see, the point I'm trying to make, Bunker, is it's not inherited.
Now, you should know that.
You've got a perfectly normal daughter.
Yeah, thank God for that.
Let me ask you something about George.
I mean, how did that happen to him? When he was a baby, did someone throw him up in the air and forget to catch him? It's a common birth defect.
The doctors call it "anoxia.
" It means he didn't get enough oxygen when he was born.
Now, that's what happened to George.
What's your excuse? I don't understand that question.
[DOORBELL RINGS FURIOUSLY.]
Oh, maybe that's him now! [THUMPING AT DOOR.]
George! Hi, Gloria! Mr.
Bunker! George! Dad.
What are you doing here? Where have you been, George? I-I-I-I Take it easy! Easy, George.
Calm down.
I had to go back to the store to get this, Dad.
That didn't take you all day.
Where have you been? I-I-I got another job.
GLORIA: Ooh! George, that's terrific! You got a job! Congratulations, George.
Yeah, Mr.
Bunker, remember I said I was going to show you something.
I had to go back to the store because I had this hanging up in the back room over where I hang my coat.
Here! Read it, Mr.
Bunker.
Read it! All right, George.
Let me see what it says here.
Yeah.
"Every man is my superior in that I may learn from him.
" Oh, you read that real good, Mr.
Bunker.
Nice, George.
What the hell's it mean? It means everyone is smarter than you, Arch.
Shut up! Oh, no, Mike.
It-- It means that anyone can learn from anyone.
Even from me.
"Every man is my superior in that I may learn from him.
" Gee, I wonder who said that? I think it was David Carradine in Kung Fu.
I think she's right.
Well, whoever said it, it's a great thought.
Go ahead, George.
Tell them where you got it.
Sometimes at school I used to cry because boys called me stupid.
And then my teacher gave me this.
And then I didn't have to cry no more.
Is this still not working, Mr.
Bunker? Oh, be careful.
You'll hurt yourself with that, George.
No, I'll be careful, Mr.
Bunker.
All right, then.
You can play with it.
Come on, George.
Tell me about your new job.
Well, Ferguson's fired me, Dad.
Uh, the manager said I couldn't work there no more, so I left.
And then what did you do? Well, I went down to the factory where my friend Albert works.
And he got me a job there working on the loading dock.
The loading dock? That's the same kind of work Archie does.
Edith, please, huh? I don't work.
I'm a foreman.
Georgie, I'm proud of you, son.
Now, you got that job all by yourself.
You see? Hey, George! I'm really proud of you too.
Only now, Gloria, I won't be carrying your bags.
And I guess I can't be your boyfriend no more.
Oh, but George But-- But we can still be good friends, can't we? Sure.
That would be nice.
Oh, jeez, don't get him excited! Come on, George.
Come on.
We've got to get going.
Okay, Dad.
Here you are, Mr.
Bunker.
It's all fixed now.
You just had the blade in backwards.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Hold it there.
Come on, Meathead.
Get ahold of that door.
Bring it over.
Let me try this thing out.
The kid's been fooling with it.
I hope he didn't ruin it.
Hold it steady.
Hold onto it.
That's it.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, look at that! It's picking up wood! It's fixed! Isn't that wonderful! George fixed it! Well, bye, everybody.
GLORIA: Oh, goodbye, George.
Goodbye, Mr.
Bushmill.
Don't worry about it, Mr.
Bunker.
Sometimes I get things backwards too.
Goodbye.
The blade in backwards.
[CHUCKLES.]
College boy.
Foreman.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.