Empty Nest (1988) s04e19 Episode Script

Good morning, Laverne.
Howdy, doctor.
Oh, well, you're in a good mood.
Well, Nick's comin' back day after tomorrow from his baseball tryout in Japan, so I guess I am gettin' a little frisky.
I see.
All right.
So how did it go over there? Well, let me put it this way.
The team owner said, if Nick went back home, the Japanese would consider buyin' more of our cars.
Aw, that's not That's too bad.
It's really hard for a big strappin' ball player like Nick to adjust from the Miami mustangs to the Osaka hens.
Why, is their game all that different from ours? No, but their jockstraps are.
Every time Nick takes a good cut at the ball, his eyes bug way out.
They've started callin' him kabuto, which is a kind of frog that can spot a fly at 50 yards.
Well, it not exactly to say, hey, kid, but it's something.
Well, it hadn't been all bad.
Two games ago, he hit the ball clear out the park.
- Oh, that's great! - Yeah, unfortunately, it come down and hit a zen priest right on the head in the middle of his meditatin'.
Now he just wanders around his rock garden, saying, "if you build it, he will come.
" Life goes on and so do we Just how we do it is no mystery Sometimes the answer can be hard to find Hard to find that's something I will never be I'm always here for anything you need Anything you need rain or shine I'll be the one To share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on Carol, were you in a sorority in college? I don't remember.
Barbara, please give me a little credit.
Sororities are nothing but a pathetic female imitation of a male-dominated social system whose sole purpose is to instill superficial values.
Couldn't get in, huh? Well, I've got to find out something about these dumb places.
There's a computer hacker who's been breaking into the city hall database, and we think she's in one of the college sororities.
Barbara, some brilliant young woman is trying to deliver a subtle message to corrupt politicians, and you're going to stifle her bold, clever means of expression? Carol, she's changed "city of Miami" on all official documents to buttburg, assachusetts.
Come on, get in there.
- Hi, daddy.
- Hi, baby.
Oh, daddy, when you were in college, did you know any sorority girls? Oh, sure.
Well, I was in a fraternity.
- You were? - Oh, yeah.
Tri epsilon, the wild house of haverhill college.
Our father in his college days.
I have to know every precious detail, so I can commit them all to my daddy album of memories.
Ah, well, you know, we sure did do some pretty crazy, wild stuff.
Oh, come on, daddy, tell! I need it for an undercover thing.
All right, all right, all right.
Let me see, let me see.
Okay, well, there were these Yeah, well, there's this This one time, it was during hell week, and good old sparky McAlister somehow got ahold of a, uh A woman's brassiere.
Yeah? He cut holes holes in the cups Put it over his eyes And ran around the frat house yelling, "I have 36/36 vision!" And then what? No, that's it.
Okay, I'm out of here.
Laverne, what's going on? I'm learnin' Japanese.
Oh, that's very, that's very good.
What does it mean? It means, "those are not dolphins in my net.
Those are very large tuna.
" Nick called last night.
He earned a spot on the roster of the hens.
You're kidding! I thought he didn't have a chance.
Well, a spot opened up.
Their third baseman just bought the Seattle mariners.
Nick's flyin' back tomorrow, says he needs to talk to me about it all.
Who would have ever thought, Laverne Todd, livin' in Japan.
Wait a minute.
You're planning on moving to Japan.
Doctor, you know how hard it's gon' be for me to leave you, but I could never live apart from my Nick.
Oh, great.
I just never thought this would ever happen.
I can't imagine this place without you.
Me neither, but the money they're offerin' him will take care of a whole bunch of stuff we've been wantin' for a long time.
We could buy a house, maybe have a young'un or two.
This is finally our chance to truly live the American dream.
As it happens, in a suburb of Osaka.
Hi, it's so good to have you with us, Barbara.
- Are you a freshman? - Yes.
Oh, have you spent a lot of time in the sun? Well, I took a couple years off before college.
Oh, how really, really interesting.
Finger sandwich? Oh, yeah, I'm starved.
So what did you do during your time off? Oh, I was in the army.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
How rough and tumble.
So where are you from, Barbara? Well, I grew up here and All: sisters of zeta beta phi one day we'll marry surgeons But until the day daddy gives us away We'll all remain pure virgins That's our special zb sisterhood song.
If you come back to tomorrow's formal rush party, you'll hear "second base is far enough for me" sounds like a lot of fun.
Hi, Barbara.
I'm antoinette.
So what kind of guys do you like? Well, well, I always went with the real dangerous ones, you know, the kind that lit firecrackers in the toilet.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Hey, Barbara, I just got a neat idea.
Maybe you should rush kappa beta instead.
Why? I don't think you're really our type.
Well, that's fine.
I mean, there's a lot of other houses interested in me.
Really, which ones? Well, for instance, delta Burke.
Good morning, Laverne.
Did Nick get in okay? Oh, just dandy.
Marilyn jorgenson, room one.
So what did he say? When do you leave? Where are you gonna be living? Well, I'll be stayin' on here in Miami, - while he's in Japan.
- Really? Yeah, it just works out a lot more conveniently that way.
- Oh, great.
Well - Now if you'll excuse me, I have to catch that coffee cart.
Okay.
Doctor Weston.
Uh, I'm sorry.
Mrs.
Todd just stepped out.
Sure, sure, sure, hold on just a second.
Go ahead.
Lou Collier, Nick's attorney.
About what? Divorce proceedings? I got you a blueberry muffin for energy, doctor.
You've got a full day ahead, so you better eat this muffin and run.
Laverne, is everything okay? Oh, yeah.
Come on, that muffin ain't a-gettin' any younger.
Down the hatch.
I, I, I, just took a message.
I hate to pry, but uh Are you okay? Just dandy.
Eat the muffin.
Eat the muffin.
Laverne, the message is about divorce proceedings.
Oh.
Could I speak to you in exam room one? Mm-hmm.
Doctor, please don't tell anyone about this.
What happened? You just have to promise you won't tell anyone.
Okay, dear, I promise.
Then cross your heart, squeeze your buns, and say, "hot potato, hot potato, I ate me a skunk.
" Laverne, please, you know you can trust me.
Oh, all right, since you already found out.
Nick met another woman in Japan and all.
But the important thing is that nobody hears about this divorce thing.
This is awful, I'm so sorry.
I know.
The shame is just about unbearable.
This has never, ever happened in my family before.
We higby's marry for life.
Laverne, this happens to people all the time.
Please, trust me.
This is nothing to be ashamed of.
It is, back in hickory.
Why, when Camilla belle singleton's husband left her, she went out and give herself one of them mohawk haircuts.
Why? 'Cause, when you see an 80-year-old piano teacher with a mohawk, the first thing you ask ain't, "how's Phil?" Okay, okay.
I just want you to know that I'm here for you if you want to talk this through.
What do you think we just did? Boy, in one ear and out the other.
Hey, Barb! What's the shindig, and why wasn't I invited? I'm undercover.
I'm going to a formal rush party at zeta beta phi.
In that dress? What's wrong with it? Well, if you were rushing tri gams, or theta beta, okay, maybe, but you're going to wear that to the Tiffany of sorority row? Why don't you just tell them you were in the army? Charley, why can't I do anything right with these stupid sorority girls? I mean, I know they're snobby and obnoxious, but still it's killing me that I'm not being accepted.
It's never happened to me before.
Well, the zb's are touch 'debs' to crack.
Charley, how do you know so much about sororities? Are you kidding? Formal organizations devoted to the social habits of beautiful co-eds? I'm on the national boards of a couple of them.
Charley, do you think you could give me some pointers and help me get in? I guess so.
Let's see, uh, lesson number one, posture and movement.
Now, let's say I'm one of the greeting sisters, and you come in.
Hi, Barbara.
I'm charlene.
Welcome to zeta beta phi.
Thanks! Oh, Charley, this is going to be great! Hello? Hi, sergeant.
You're kidding.
Oh, well, that's great.
Thanks for calling.
Oh, they caught the suspect at a dorm on campus.
Guess the sorority house was a bad tip.
Well, you won't be needing me, then.
- Guess not.
- Shame.
For a brief moment there, I thought I smelled zb.
What a minute, Charley.
I smell something, too! I want to get into zeta beta phi - more than anything! - Why? I thought you hated them.
I do, but that's why I want to get in.
Because once I do, I'm going to tell them they're the biggest snobs and hypocrites on the face of the earth! Uh-huh, uh-huh.
So how 'bout what's goin' on in Russia, huh? It's amazing, isn't it? I heard that one of the baltic states may separate from the commonwealth.
Separate? Why did you choose that particular word, Dr.
green? I read it in the paper this morning.
Okay.
I believe you.
Oh, hi, ladies.
May I join you? - Have a seat.
- Oh, hi, doctor.
How are you doing? Hello, Audrey, what's new with you? Not much has changed since we talked an hour ago, Harry.
- Wow! - I see.
You two spoke.
And what might you have discussed, doctor? I don't remember.
Well, I was telling Harry I bought a new car.
- Oh, that's right.
- It's a Honda.
I feel a little guilty, though.
It seems the Japanese are just taking over everything, doesn't it? I wouldn't know.
Nick and I pay no attention to world affairs.
Did I say affairs? How the hell did that pop out of my mouth? What I meant to say, of course, was marital bliss, world marital bliss.
Laverne, is everything okay? Just dandy.
I mean, look here.
That says it all! That's pretty much all she wrote! Hi, I'm happily married! Hello, I'm Barbara Weston.
I'm so thrilled to be here.
Barbara, you look great.
I love your dress.
Finger sandwich? Oh, no, thank you.
I don't eat.
How wonderful.
Yes, I'm sorry I'm late.
I got held up at the Dean's garden party.
I went with the captain of the squash team.
Maybe you know him.
Andrew neiman-Marcus? Andrew neiman-Marcus? As in the store? How do you think I get such big discounts? Both: Ooh! Anyway, when I was leaving in my red Volkswagen cabriolet convertible Both: Ah! Some sigma lambda girls had the gall to ask me for a lift, as if I would actually let a sig lam in my car.
Stop, you're too funny! Babs, there you are.
Andrew neiman-Marcus, what are you doing here? Darn it, babs, I'm crazy in love with you.
Just let me pin you, and you make me the happiest fellow on campus.
I can't, Andrew, not after you barged in here and showed such disrespect for the zeta betas.
Ah, gee whiz.
I'll leave, babs, but I'll never be able to get over you, the perfect woman.
Now, I'm the least happy fellow.
Barbara, you mercilessly destroyed that man.
I'm so impressed.
You know, Andrew looks a lot like that weird guy on our board of directors.
Yeah, well, I can't believe he was so rude.
I wouldn't blame you if you blackballed me.
Are you kidding? Barbara, you're a shoo-in.
You think so, huh? Well, that's great, because I've been dying to tell something to all of you.
Oh, god.
She's going to pledge at another house.
Barbara, you can't! No, no, it's not that.
How many sisters hope Barbara chooses zeta beta phi tonight because she's such a super person? - It's unanimous! - Now, now, wait a minute.
I'm very flattered.
Every year, the president of zeta beta phi gives one special pledge a copy of miss manners with a white rose pressed inside.
Barbara, tonight the zeta beta president Gives the white rose miss manners To you.
To me? I'm the special pledge? A thousand times, yes.
Wow! But I do have to say something.
Barbara, you're just the most wonderful person ever.
Please be our zb sister.
Look, I have to say that I think you're all Just super! Coming! I'll get it, Nick, seeing as you locked yourself in the bathroom and all.
Oh, hi, doctor.
I didn't know it was you.
Come on in.
Oh, I thanks.
Uh, Laverne, I think it's time you and I had a little talk.
How many talks do you need to get over this? Look, I know how you felt about Nick, and I just can't believe that the most painful thing about the breakup is this embarrassment and you're feeling.
That just doesn't sound right to me.
Well, that's the way it is.
You just can't understand, 'cause you don't know the burn of the shame, that's all.
You know what I think, Laverne? I think you've got all these feelings inside you that need to come out.
Doctor, take a look around you.
How does my house look? - Fine.
- No, not fine.
It's perfect.
Everything in place, in order, like always.
Same with my work and same, too, with the inside of my head.
Everything exactly where it should be.
Nothin' messy, pushin' to try to get out, I assure you.
Comin'! Doctor, thanks for comin' over while Nick's in the hospital.
Hi, my name is Jason, and I'm selling subscriptions.
If I sell just two more, I win a trip to pirate world.
That means fun for me, ma'am, just plain fun.
Ha, ha.
Wait, he might think that means I've got marital problems.
Oh, hey, uh, just hang on.
I'll get my wallet.
I'll be right back.
All right.
Laverne, I have an idea.
I want you to tell that young man that you're getting a divorce.
Why on earth, would I let him know my shame? Unless, of course, you've already told him and a-coverin' for yourself.
No, no, no.
I just think telling someone, even a stranger, will help get those feelings out and maybe cause that dam inside you to break.
I'm tellin' you, they ain't no damn dam.
But if you insist, I'll prove it to you, right now.
Hey, you got patch and quilt? Uh, no, but if you like patch and quilt, then I think you're going to love modern bounty hunter.
Well, I already get that.
Here, I'll take this one.
All right, thanks a lot.
Here's your receipt.
- Yeah.
- All right, bye.
Excuse me, son, just a minute.
- Laverne.
- Wait a minute.
There's, uh There's uh, just one more thing.
Yes? Well, it's like this.
Uh, I'd like you to know that, uh you want playgirl, don't you? No! Look, it's like this.
I'm gettin' divorced.
- Really? - Yeah.
Then you definitely need playgirl.
Bye-bye.
Did you see how he looked at me, the scorn in his eyes? That's not true.
He couldn't have cared less.
I can't believe you didn't see it.
I might as well have been sellin' my virtue for shots of whiskey.
Now, he's probably blabbin' to all the neighbors.
And by the way, you might have noticed, they ain't no dam breakin' here.
All right.
Okay, maybe I was wrong.
Oh, so, now Left with egg on my face, and this subscription I just bought to baseball card monthly.
Nick has a bunch of rookie cards from the '70s.
He just loves lookin' up how much they're worth.
You should hear him braggin' about this Steve garvey he's got.
It's worth about a hundred.
He gets real, he gets Real excited about it, you know? I think you were wrong, doctor.
These more like an avalanche.
It's all right, Laverne.
He was my whole life! I was like a moon, just circlin' around him.
It's gonna be okay, I promise.
How could he? I mean, I loved him so much.
There's a jar up on the shelf in the kitchen, where every week, I'd put a few dollars to save up for his birthday present, and this year, it was gonna be a power saw.
Now, I can't do anything without thinkin' about him, without thinkin' about how much fun we had doing everything together.
And now, what did I do? I must have made some huge, horrible mistake to lose him, and I don't even know what it was.
Laverne, it's not your fault.
We had all them dreams together.
I used to close my eyes at night and see all these little'uns, all with Nick's big, crazy smile.
And now I close my eyes, and they're still there.
Only I ain't their mama.
Oh, my god, that hurts.
I just never knew anything could be this bad.
Laverne, dear, I'm so sorry.
I don't even know what to do to try and make it better.
Oh, dear.
I think you just have.
I'll tell you one thing.
He ain't a-gettin' that Steve garvey card.
That baby's mine.
All: sisters of zeta beta phi one day we'll marry surgeons But until the day daddy gives us away We'll all remain pure virgins Sisters of zeta beta phi our privates are not on display You'd think they'd change the lyrics.