Ghosts (2021) s04e19 Episode Script

1
Oh, hey, Sass.
How's it going with Joan?
Awesome. (CHUCKLES)
She had to go back to L.A. for
a bit, but we had a great week.
Yeah. Smelled some nice dinners
Oh, my God, did you two do it or not?
Hey, first of all, I respect women.
(GROANS) That's a big no.
Pinkus is here. He just pulled up.
I'm sorry, who or what is a Pinkus?
He's my old Lehman bro.
The junior associate I heroically
- gave my pants to before I died.
- SAMANTHA: Hi.
Welcome to Woodstone.
I also gave him my boxers.
Mm. A decision that
haunts us to this very day.
SAMANTHA: You must be Mr. Pinkus.
Oh, please, call me Adam.
This is my daughter, Abby.
SAMANTHA: Hi.
Mazel, Pinkus.
I thought it might've been a young wife,
which also would've earned a mazel,
but daughter's even better.
Dad, you okay?
It's, uh, emotional to be here.
Aw, my boy's verklempt.
That means getting choked up.
25 years ago, a good friend of mine
passed away on this
property. Trevor Lefkowitz.
Of course. We had his memorial
here a couple years ago.
After they fished his
skull out of the lake.
PINKUS: I know. I was away on business,
so I couldn't make it,
but I wanted to come
up and pay my respects.
Sam, tell him Tara
Reid was at my memorial.
In case you were wondering
if anyone famous was at the memorial
Smooth.
Tara Reid was there.
Wow. Tara Reid came?
Who's Tara Reid?
Pinkus, seriously, what
kind of parenting is this?
She's an actress. She was
in American Pie.
It's a '90s comedy
about a group of friends
who try and lose their virginity.
- Incredible movie.
- Sounds dumb.
Eh? Hit a little too close to home? Hmm?
Hmm? Hmm?
♪
ALBERTA: What's going on here?
Sam had her phone make a slideshow
of her and Jay's entire relationship.
She's forcing everyone to watch,
and now, it's Jay's turn
to pretend he's interested.
Aw, that time you bought me jeans?
Remember, after that, we got chicken.
(SIGHS) It's a precious memory.
Ah, and there's the chicken.
And another angle of it.
And another.
Edit your photos, Sam.
It's too bad ghosts can't look back
on their relationships like this.
I wish I had a montage
of all my time with Donna.
(CHUCKLES) I mean, before I
found out she was a murderer.
SAMANTHA: Oh, right,
your Caribbean girlfriend.
I forgot about Donna.
How did it go when you
finally ended things with her?
Um, well, we, uh,
haven't actually completed
the break-up process.
You're still seeing her?
No, no, I mean, I just
You know, we never officially
had any kind of talk,
but it's been a while now.
I think she gets it.
Oh, Peter, you coward.
- You left a guy at the altar.
- Yeah. To his face.
Pete, I know that she's a murderer,
but you owe it to her to
break up with her in person.
Pete's ghosting his girlfriend, Donna.
The one who offed her
husband with a pitchfork.
Oh, come on, Pete.
That's bad form, my guy.
I know she gutted her hubs,
but she's still a person.
Okay, fine. If Jay thinks I
should talk to her in person,
that's what I'll do, because he knows
what he's talking about,
and he's my best friend.
And yet, you're the
only ghost he hasn't met.
Hey, I was inside of him.
Why are we still seeing
pictures of chicken?
PINKUS: And then Trevor
literally gave me the pants off his legs
so I wouldn't have to run
back to the city without any.
Hero move for the ages.
What an amazing story that
I'm only hearing just now
- for the first time.
- PINKUS: Well, I didn't know it then,
but those pants were
about to change my life.
Dad, I don't think they want to hear
our whole entire life story.
No, we would love to hear about it.
- Let him tell it, Abby.
- Yes, respect your elders
and their dead former coworkers.
In the pocket of those
pants was a phone number.
(GASPS) That's right. Laurie Goldstein.
We dated for a couple weeks.
It went well, but then I died.
Wow, you literally ghosted her.
And then after a few days,
when nobody had seen Trevor,
my dad called the number to
see if they had information.
And this incredible woman answered.
Her name was Laurie Goldstein.
She looked like Yasmine Bleeth.
Anyway, we got to talking, and
one thing led to another and
They started dating,
and then they got married,
and then they had me.
- (CHUCKLES)
- TREVOR: Unbelievable.
The pants just keep on giving.
I can still remember the night we met.
She looked like Yasmine Bleeth.
Who's Yasmine Bleeth?
Seriously? Pinkus, teach this girl.
You're breaking up with me?
It's not you, it's me.
I'm also slightly irked
by the fact that you
killed your husband Gerald
in a grisly pitchfork murder.
Oh, gosh, you heard about that?
There's a whole TV special about you.
They call you the Slaying Mantis,
which, as a pun
aficionado, I appreciated,
but as your boyfriend, I did not.
Pete, I swear to you,
I am innocent.
(SIGHS) Donna, he was
killed with a pitchfork,
and in the documentary,
they have a picture of you
posing with that pitchfork.
It was for Halloween.
Gerald and I went as
that old farmer couple
from the American Gothic painting.
If you're innocent, why did
you run off to the Caribbean?
All the evidence pointed to me.
The police weren't even
looking at other suspects.
I didn't know what to do.
And my miles were about to expire,
you know what that's like.
Well, if you didn't do it, who did?
I don't know, I wasn't there. (SCOFFS)
Wait a minute. I have an idea.
Gerald was murdered at our house.
Maybe he's a ghost.
Or there's another
ghost who saw it happen.
You could go and
investigate, like Columbo.
That's a great idea.
Donna, I'm gonna clear your name.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
(SLIGHT ACCENT): Oh, and,
uh just one more thing.
- Yeah?
- No, I was doing Columbo's catchphrase.
(CHUCKLES) That was pretty good.
Now, I got to get out of here
before my wiener starts to disappear.
That's kind of my
catchphrase. (CHUCKLES)
PINKUS: And we talk a
lot about the pants,
but little known fact, Trevor
also gave me his underwear.
- Oh.
- ABBY: So "your boys wouldn't rub up
against his new suit."
My beautiful words.
This is the part where I dip out.
PINKUS: That's fair.
Good night, sweetie.
Dad, let's go on a hike in the morning.
Sam said there's a really nice creek.
- Oh, yeah, it's
- Here we go.
magical.
Buy a thesaurus, woman.
I'll text you directions, Abby.
Sam, ask if the mom ever
still talks about me.
Because that's not aggressively weird.
Just steer the conversation
in that direction.
So, Adam, uh, what's your
wife up to this weekend?
Laurie actually passed
away a couple years ago.
- Oh, no.
- We're sorry, Adam. That's awful.
Quick, Samantha, ask him if his
grandmother will be joining us.
Or maybe a childhood pet?
PINKUS: Yeah, it's been really hard.
That's actually one of the reasons
I brought Abby up here this weekend.
Uh This is gonna sound crazy.
On her deathbed,
Laurie told me something,
something that I didn't know,
and which I've been
trying to work up the
courage to share with Abby.
I am not Abby's biological father.
Why is he telling us this?
Her real father
- was Trevor Lefkowitz.
- What?
- Oh, my God.
- No pants?
Is what the guy who is
the biological father
was wearing the night he died,
it seems like?
Oh, wow. So, I guess
my boys can swim.
- That's your first reaction?
- I'm in shock.
Here you go. Pastrami on
rye with Russian dressing.
- Thank you so much.
- TREVOR: No way.
I love pastrami on rye.
She must get that from me.
You think there's a pastrami gene
that you passed down to her?
Yes, I do. It's called being Jewish.
Well, let me know if
you need anything else.
Wait. Could you
ask her some questions?
Please, Sam, help me
get to know my daughter.
I actually have a sec if
you want to do a little
girl talk gab sesh. (CHUCKLES)
Oof, that was a tough start.
Um, sure.
Uh W-Where did she go to school?
W-who was her first crush?
Has she seen The Cutting Edge?
- All the big questions.
- SAMANTHA: So, uh,
where did you go to school?
University of Pennsylvania.
Yes. Penn.
Following in my footsteps.
Nice. What did you study?
I majored in history with
a minor in French poetry.
Okay, sounds like she gonna be
living with Pinkus for a while.
So are you dating anyone?
You ask a lot of questions.
It's just, uh, here at Woodstone,
we like to take the time
to get to know our guests.
It's sort of what sets us apart.
In a good way?
All right. Who's ready for that hike?
Yes. I'm just gonna get my jacket,
which I got at REI
with a gift card a friend
gave me for my birthday.
Just in case you were wondering.
- Ooh, she burned you. I like her.
- Hey, Adam.
Are you gonna have the talk with
her about Trevor on this hike?
Yeah, actually, I don't know
if I'm gonna do it this weekend.
Come on, Pinkus.
We're just having such
a good trip. I, uh
I'll-I'll tell her another time.
Uh, S-Sam, you got to
talk some sense into him.
Of course. I'm sure
you know what's best.
TREVOR: Sam, you got to talk to Pinkus.
Convince him to tell her. Abby
has a right to know the truth.
I don't think it's my place
to tell Pinkus how to
parent his daughter.
Well, she's my daughter, too.
And it would mean the world to me
to be able to see her
learn that I'm her dad.
Sam, please.
I missed out on every major
life moment. Give me this.
Sorry, Trevor. I can't.
Unbelievable.
So, fair warning, I'm gonna sniff
this pastrami sandwich pretty seriously.
You can watch or you can go.
Hello? Anyone here a ghost?
I'm a ghost.
Whoa,
did you just cross a property line?
Yeah. I'm a
non-geographically-bound ghost.
It's very rare and amazing.
(CHUCKLES)
But you have a Walkman. That is cool.
It would be if I didn't have to listen
to the same album for all of eternity.
Even Purple Rain gets
old after the millionth listen.
"Let's Go Crazy"? It's too late.
Okay. Well, anyways, I'm
here investigating a murder
that took place next door in 1982.
Oh you're talking about Gerald.
Yeah, that was a shame.
You were here?
My girlfriend Donna was blamed for it,
and I'm trying to prove her innocence.
Did you see anything?
Actually, I saw the whole thing
from my second-floor window.
I was already a ghost, though,
so I couldn't do
anything or call anyone.
But you saw who did
it? Th-This is amazing.
(CHUCKLES) Well, I have
some bad news for you.
It was Donna.
She stabbed him with a
pitchfork, over and over.
It was pretty gruesome.
I think she was shouting
something, too. What was it?
It was, uh Oh, yeah,
"Die, cheater, die!"
Anyway, she always seemed
great other than that.
How long you guys been dating?
Uh, about a year.
- (STRAINING)
- What are you doing?
Since Sam refuses to talk
some sense into Pinkus
over there, I'm doing it for her.
- What do you mean?
- TREVOR: I'm texting him from her phone.
"Sam" is gonna tell Pinkus
that Abby deserves to know
who her real father is.
Trevor, I don't know about this.
But while you're in there, do
you see the Papa John's app?
(STRAINING) Send.
SASAPPIS: Did he get it?
He doesn't seem to be reacting
to an overreaching text from
an annoying acquaintance.
It went through. It says "delivered."
(GASPS) Oh, no.
What is it?
I thought I sent it to Adam Pinkus,
but I sent it to Abby Pinkus.
- Why did you do that?
- TREVOR: I don't know.
Their names are so close.
Okay. Quick. Throw in
some cinnamon breadsticks
before Sam changes the passcode again.
Hey, guys.
(GASPS)
You seem suspiciously clumped.
Trevor texted Abby that
he's her real father.
What?
Then he was gonna order
cinnamon breadsticks,
which you can complete if you want,
as an apology to the Pinkuses.
- Trevor, why?
- It was an accident. I meant to text Pinkus.
I'll hit "unsend." Maybe
she hasn't read it yet.
There's an unsend? What
are we even sweating here?
Oh! You just "haha'd" it?
- Oh, why did you "haha" it?
- I hit the wrong thing.
She's not good under pressure!
(FOOTSTEPS STOMPING DOWN STAIRS)
What the hell, Sam?
Doesn't seem like Abby
thought that was funny,
despite the "haha."
I think you meant to
text this to my dad.
I can explain.
- But can you?
- What's going on?
ABBY: Sam just sent me this text,
which I think was meant for you,
saying that she wants you to tell me
Trevor Lefkowitz is my real dad,
and then she psychotically "haha'd" it.
PINKUS: What is wrong with you?
I told you that in confidence.
Oh. Wait.
It was a mistake.
I'm sorry.
Wait, w
Is it true?
(SIGHS)
I didn't want you to find out like this.
I didn't, either.
I just could never find
the right time to tell you.
I can't I can't believe this. No.
Abby, wait.
Wait.
Ah I mean, I want to go upstairs
and watch that fight,
but then I also want to stay down here
and watch Sam yell at Trevor.
(CLICKS TONGUE) This is a toughie.
Please, honey, open the door.
I just want to make sure you're okay.
ABBY: I don't want to
talk to you right now.
Oh, I really screwed this one up.
What's happening? Did they make up?
HETTY: No.
Trevor's Folly, as we're
calling the errant text,
seems to have broken
this family irreparably.
TREVOR: Sam, I'm sorry.
I know I made you look
like a total idiot.
Thank you, Trevor.
And fair warning, I changed my passcode.
- Is it Jay's birthday?
- Not even close.
- Jay's birthday backwards?
- Damn it.
The worst part is, I hurt my daughter
and the man who did such
an amazing job raising her.
Well, maybe she just
needs a reminder of that.
What are you saying?
Remember that super lame photo montage
Sam did of her and Jay?
Ugh, yes, so cloying.
So much poultry.
- Okay.
- SASAPPIS: I'm saying,
maybe we do one of those
montages for Abby and Pinkus.
So she can remember
all their great moments.
And there's only one ghost
I know who has the power
to physically touch a
phone and make that happen.
You talking about Magic Fingers McGee?
No.
That nickname makes one
long for the days of T-Money.
It's full circle. This thing
started with a hero move
back when I gave him my pants,
and I'm gonna end it with
another hero move right now.
Is it a hero move if you're just
cleaning up the mess you made?
TREVOR: It's a hero move.
JAY: So, this Richard
ghost, he said that
- Donna did do it?
- That's what Pete's saying.
I feel like such a fool.
I really believed Donna.
Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.
Of course you're gonna
believe anything she says.
She was way, way out of your league.
Thank you.
Well, I guess that it's good
a ghost witnessed the crime.
At least now you know the truth
and you can have some closure.
It's too bad that guy's ghost power
wasn't stopping someone from
being murdered with a pitchfork.
I know, right?
I actually didn't catch
what his ghost power was.
He did have something cool, though.
Richard died with a
Walkman, and it still works.
Jay, something for your ghost notes.
Uh, the ghost that Pete met,
who saw Donna kill her
husband, he had a Walkman.
Cool.
Although, one album for all of eternity,
whew, hope it was something solid.
It was a classic. Prince. Purple Rain.
- It was Purple Rain.
- Ooh, good one.
Hold up. What year did
you say the murder was?
Uh, 1982.
Purple Rain didn't come
out till '84, which means
Richard wasn't a ghost in 1982.
Richard wasn't a ghost when
Donna's husband was murdered.
He was lying.
(GASPS) Oh, really?
(GROANS) Once again,
your collective failure
to recognize something as gasp-worthy
truly boggles the mind.
HETTY: Hurry up and send it.
(STRAINING)
(PHONE CHIMES)
- (HETTY GASPS)
- SASAPPIS: It worked.
Another turning point ♪
A fork stuck in the road ♪
Time grabs you by the wrist ♪
Directs you where to go ♪
- So make the best of this test ♪
- This is really moving.
That's right. I pulled out the big guns.
Green Day.
It's not a question, but
a lesson learned in time ♪
It's something unpredictable ♪
I wish I could've been
there for those moments,
but Pinkus did a really good job.
- Ew.
- Those braces. What are those, military grade?
That was an awkward phase.
- Hey.
- HETTY: What?
She turned out lovely.
We can laugh about it now.
(CHUCKLES)
♪
ABBY: Hey, Dad.
Can we talk?
Of course.
ABBY: I've had some time
to think about it, and, um,
I understand that you
were in a hard position.
It was just really
difficult for me to process,
but I love you.
(SIGHS, CHUCKLES)
Liar!
Excuse me?
You weren't a ghost
when Gerald got murdered.
You couldn't have been. You're listening
to an album that came out in 1984,
two years after the crime occurred.
What? No, I'm pretty sure Prince
released Purple Rain in 1980.
No way, Jose. Prince released
Dirty Mind in 1980.
I know because my wife attended
the tour with my best friend.
They bought matching T-shirts.
That feels fishy.
I see that now.
But what's even fishier is that
you lied about Gerald's murder.
Donna wasn't the murderer, was she?
Why did you lie, Richard?
Huh? Why?
- Why? No
- Because my wife was the murderer.
- (GASPS)
- She hated Gerald, okay?
He was always parking his
car in front of our house.
It drove Linda crazy.
Why? You don't own the
curb outside your house.
It's an unwritten rule, Pete.
(SIGHS) One night, she got home
after a long day, and there it was,
Gerald's K-car parked right in front
of Linda's begonias. She lost it.
She marched right into his yard
and stabbed him in the chest.
With Donna's pitchfork?
No. We planted that on the body.
Everyone always suspects the spouse,
and people had seen Donna with
the pitchfork on Halloween.
She was a perfect fall guy.
What was the real murder weapon?
One of Linda's garden tools.
We buried it under the fountain.
I'm sorry I lied.
It's nothing personal against Donna,
but I didn't want my
wife to go to prison.
I loved her.
I still do.
The old lady? That's Linda?
She's the murderer.
SAMANTHA: Hey, Abby.
I just wanted to apologize again.
I was trying to be helpful,
but it wasn't my place.
Yeah, it was pretty weird.
But it actually led to a conversation
that I needed to have with my dad.
They made up. It was beautiful.
I'm happy to hear that.
I wish I could find
out more about Trevor.
My dad just has that one pants story.
They didn't really know
each other for too long,
and there's not a ton
about Trevor online.
Just something about
them finding his skull.
But look at that bone
structure. You're welcome.
You know, I was at the memorial.
Definitely learned a lot about Trevor,
if there's anything you wanted to know.
I mean, oh, my God, yeah.
S-So much. Um
What was he into when he was my age?
I loved jam bands,
designer drugs, and my dog Bucky.
He loved jam bands and his dog Bucky.
Bucky.
Okay.
I don't think that this came up, but
did he want kids?
More than anything. I
always wanted a family.
But, like, after I
sowed a lot of wild oats.
He always wanted a family.
Ask her, has she ever seen
The Cutting Edge?
Uh What else?
I remember someone said
- his favorite movie was The Cutting Edge.
- ABBY: What?
- I love that movie.
- Yes! Oh, my baby girl.
Okay, back to jam bands. Does
she like the Disco Biscuits?
I once smoked pot with
Brownie, their bassist.
Try to work that in.
NEWSCASTER (OVER TV):
This cold case heated up
after an anonymous tip
from a Hudson Valley local,
and now the octogenarian
murderer-slash-gardening enthusiast
will find herself planted behind bars.
Well, it all worked out.
I cleared my girlfriend's good name,
and a dangerous old
woman is off the streets.
Hey, Sam, this whole
thing got me thinking.
What if you and I were out there,
visiting crime scenes and
trying to solve murders?
Ooh. It's true, Samantha,
you have a traveling ghost
investigator at your disposal,
and yet here you are,
running a middling B and B.
Eh, I'm kind of a
homebody. I like to be cozy.
SASAPPIS: Cozy?
You could solve all sorts of cold cases,
bringing comfort to thousands.
I mean, how could you be so selfish?
I guess I could do what you're saying.
Although, then I'd have less
time to be here making pizzas
for you guys to smell
or authoring your vampire biographies.
You know what? Never mind.
Let's just drop the whole thing.
- Sam is busy.
- Mm.