Grounded For Life (2001) s04e19 Episode Script

You know, I am a really good girlfriend.
Uh-huh.
No, really.
I mean, Brad's all depressed because his parents split up.
And do I just ignore it? No.
I--I'm working my butt off to throw him a fabulous party to cheer him up.
Well, I must be a really great mother of Brad's girlfriend, 'cause I seem to be doing twice as much work for this party as you.
Mom, this isn't about you; it's about Brad.
Oh, God, I make good punch! Hey, I got the piñata.
No! Not green! It's supposed to be a gray alien, the kind the army's hiding from us in Roswell.
Lily, I think you and Brad might be spendin' too much time together.
I'm sorry; I just want his birthday to be perfect.
Hey, everybody, look at this cake.
It says, "Happy birthday, Bra.
" What? Oh, Mom, Henry ate the D.
Henry.
I didn't know it was a Bra's birthday.
I didn't get the Bra anything! So who's comin' to the party? A couple of boobs? Great.
There are no more Ds.
I guess I'll have to use his initials.
Oh, I don't know.
"Happy Birthday, B.
O.
"? Oh, hey, look, it's the birthday boy, himself.
Oh, birthday boy.
Happy birthday to me.
Oh, come on, Brad, cheer up.
It's gonna be a good party.
Yeah, it's gonna be fun.
No, no.
You're right.
I'm sure-- I'm sure it'll be great.
Hey, check out the piñata.
That's not a gray alien.
This is the only kind they had.
No, that's the only kind the government wants you to have.
You know, you shouldn't be seeing any of this.
Let's get you outta here.
Come on.
Poor Brad.
Yeah, things might be lookin' up for Brad.
I invited his dad over here tonight.
You did not.
I did.
Why would you do that? Connie's gonna be here.
Yeah, I know, baby.
Well, I get the feeling she's a little upset about him cheating.
Connie? Oh, hi, Claudia.
Does Sean need any underpants? I don't think so.
Oh, what about shoes, pants, this fish Dan caught in Florida? Uh, I think he's good.
All right, watch out.
Look, I don't blame her for being furious, but come on.
The guy makes one mistake and his life's ruined? He made one mistake? He cheated on his wife for two years.
Yeah, but it wasn't like a bunch of different mistakes.
I mean, it was the same mistake over and over again.
Okay, look, that's not a good argument, but the point is Dan's livin' at the Y.
His life is a wreck.
I was just cruisin' along, thinkin' that Connie would always be there no matter what I did.
Uh-huh.
I'm tellin' ya.
Never take your woman for granted.
Ya here me? Never! So, I'm sorry.
I took pity on the guy and I invited him over.
Honey, do you really think just throwing them in a room together is gonna magically solve all their problems? Well, it's a start.
I mean, if they start to communicate, then maybe-- No, that is a dumb plan.
Baby, it's not a plan; it's a start.
Hey, Dad, where's the candy for this piñata? It's inside of it.
No, it isn't.
What? Then why the hell do they say "deluxe piñata" in the first place? "Deluxe piñata" my ass.
Go buy some candy, all right? Okay, fine.
Hey, while you're there, will you get a D? I took a P, too.
Get it? A P! [laughing.]
All right, you are outta here, mister.
Wait! I got more! I'm sure you do.
** [rock.]
** [rock.]
See, isn't this nice? Yeah, yes.
Oh, look, your friends are here.
What's up, man? Hey, Brad, this is so much cooler than last year at Chuck E.
Cheese's.
[laughing.]
[laughing.]
You went to Chuck E.
Cheese's for your 16th birthday? No, no, we were just goofin' on it.
Like we would be at Chuck E.
Cheese's, you know what I mean? Yeah.
But you were at Chuck E.
Cheese's.
That waitress was totally checkin' you out, man.
Not one of the ones dressed up like an animal, right? [boys in unison.]
No! [laughing.]
[laughs.]
I know! You know what? What you just said, it was-- You've kissed someone with a mustache? No.
No, uh, no, not me.
I--I mean, when I had a mustache, hey, know you.
You never had a mustache.
You just have peach fuzz.
No, no.
This is 5:00 shadow.
Seriously.
I just forgot to shave today.
You shave? Yes, I shave! God, I hadn't realized it got so bad.
Did you get the candy? Yeah.
[sniffles.]
I dropped some, baby.
What is going on? I saw somethin', okay? I saw somethin'.
Eddie.
Oh! Your brother was making out with Brad's mom? Yeah.
How could he? I know, she's so naggy and shrill.
Sean.
Well, that's what you're sayin', right? I'm saying she's so vulnerable and he totally took advantage of her.
Oh, well, yeah, that's what I'm sayin'.
Well, your plan to get Connie and Dan back together is certainly working out well.
Can we--can we just try and get through this party? All right? So now, what? What--what are we gonna shove in this alien? I I have cough drops.
Okay, that's good.
Put 'em in there.
I got some fruit.
Fruit.
Hey, how's it going? I'm just dropping this gift off for Brad.
I can't stay.
You got him a hockey stick? Shh! What the hell's the matter with you? Context? How the hell could you go after Connie O'Keefe? Okay, you don't know what you're talkin' about.
She is vulnerable and you totally took advantage of her.
I was being chivalrous.
Hey, Mrs.
O'Keefe.
Oh, hi, Eddie.
Say, can I give you a lift? Um, okay.
Thanks.
Is this a car? Yes, it is.
[Connie.]
So when Dan took the job, I moved with him.
It's so strange, the decisions you make in life without even thinkin' about it.
Yeah.
Well, here we are.
And even though there is this tiny voice inside of you that's goin', "Hey, something's wrong," you know? You just ignore it, 'cause you don't want it to be true, you know.
Yeah.
That's your house, right? [sighs.]
Well, that voice does not go away.
And you realize that your life is flying by faster and faster.
You need help with that door? I know it gets stuck.
And life's not a parking meter.
You can't buy more time, ya know? You probably need to get that milk in the fridge, so Yeah, so Yeah.
Anyhow And you know what I'm realizing about my life, Eddie? It is my turn to get me some.
"It's my turn to get me some"? Those were her exact words.
You expect us to believe she talks like that? Ooh, I don't know.
I--I can kinda hear her sayin' somethin' like that.
You can? Oh, you know how women talk.
No.
No, baby.
How-- how do they talk? Look, she'd been jilted.
I--I was just trying to be nice.
Do not blame yourself, Con.
He made the choice to go out and act like a dog.
Yeah, and where was I? At home baking brownies with no nuts.
And I love nuts.
I love them.
But Dan doesn't like them, so guess what? No nuts.
Well, you know what? It's time for you to have your nuts.
Ya think? Sister, it is time for you to go out and get you some.
You are damn right! Interesting strategy.
Hey, I said, "Get some," not, "Get some of that.
" Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
Oh, God, now Dan O'Keefe's comin' over and now she and Eddie are all hooked up? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why--why's Dan comin' over? It's part of Sean's plan.
It's not a plan.
Stupid plan.
Again, it's not a plan.
But those two have to communicate.
If they don't communicate, how will they patch things up, huh? You gotta talk to her.
I got a better idea.
It's called "lay low.
" Lay low? Yeah.
Lay low, lie low, whatever.
It's--after a while, you know, a few weeks, she'll get the hint.
No, no, no, you gotta tell her right now.
You gotta tell her that there's no future between the two of you or Dan doesn't have a chance in hell.
All right, whatever you say.
You're the man with the plan.
Razor, razor [sighs.]
Smooth enough for a lady.
Ow! Sheah! It's cool.
[screaming.]
[doorbell.]
Claudia! Conniehi.
How's it goin'? Great.
I took your advice.
I got some.
And it was so good.
Okay.
Um, okay, listen.
Now that you've got some, you should stop.
Don't--don't get anymore.
Why not? See, when we say "get some," we mean just a really tiny amount.
Hey, Mom! Hi, honey.
Lily, how are you, sweetheart? Fine, thank you.
Wow, I haven't seen you this happy in weeks.
[laughs.]
Everybody loves a party.
You're all aglow.
[laughing.]
Yeah, she's happy.
We get it.
We're gonna do the piñata.
You guys wanna come? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
In just a minute.
We just have to discuss one little thing.
Okay.
What's up? Uh, actually, Eddie has something to say to you.
Well, there are a few things I'd like to say to him, too.
[giggling.]
Well, then, that works out.
Eddie! Hi.
Hi.
Well, whatever it is the two of you have to talk about, go at it.
Go for it.
Talk.
Hi.
So So, yeah, we need to talk.
You mean, that sexy mouth can talk too? Listen, Connie, you know, things bein' as they are, I don't think it's just a great-- Ah, hey, Lil! Guh Hi, Brad! [nervous laugh.]
What's wrong? Nothing.
Nothing-- Nothing's wrong.
Everything's great.
Come on! Are you feeling okay? What happened? Nothing happened.
Hm? Oh my God! Did Mitchell eat a strawberry? We need Benedryl.
No no no no no! That's not it.
Well, then-- then what? Wha-- what happened? Nuh-- nothing happened! Well, you said that's not it.
There-- there's obviously an "it".
So there's some-- oh my God! Did somebody die? Did Gramma die? No! Nobody died! I saw your mom-- Lily, just tell me.
-- and my uncle.
Kissing.
Like, on the lips? Yeah.
[near-whisper.]
Oh.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
[sighs.]
You okay? Yeah! Yeah, I'm-- I'm good.
Uh, the party's great.
You know-- [choking up.]
Punch is fantastic.
Yeah-- Let's get more punch.
How, Ed? How? How could you do that again? It just happened again! She's got a thing for me, you know? She's uncontrollable.
I'm like the devil's candy, or somethin'.
[Sean.]
Oh.
Oh, so there's no way you can discourage this woman? Well, I could get fat.
But it would take a couple of weeks.
Okay, tell me somethin'.
Do you really like her? Do you have feelings for this woman? No.
Ed, you gotta come clean.
Okay? With her.
'Cause she is out there, right now, having a bunch of fantasies about your future together.
Based on the fact that you keep makin' out with her.
Well, um-- you know, the woman's determined.
I-- I'm worried that the next time, she won't stop until-- things have reached their natural conclusion.
Ugh-- I hope you're happy.
Now Brad knows about you and his mom.
How did you find out about it? I saw it.
And you told Brad.
Yes! Because our relationship is based in honesty, unlike yours and Mrs.
O'Keefe, which is based on-- blech! All right.
Fine.
[sniffs.]
This is why I don't date married women.
Just a minute! [grumbling.]
Is Lily's brother still in there? Dude, you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
[screaming.]
[cheering, applause.]
[screams.]
Eddie, look! It's an alien! I see.
[giggling.]
Listen.
I think we, uh-- I think we-- Yeah! Oh, go, Brad! Hit it! Yeah! Come on, Brad! [roars.]
Brad-- Brad! Brad! Brad! Brad! Brad! Brad-- [screams.]
Hey! Guard the candy! Yah! The other people want turns! Ow! Oh! You guys! Now! [Sean.]
Get a grip! [Lily yells.]
Take it easy, Brad! Get a grip.
You're acting like Spock during the Pon Farr.
I'm cool.
[gasps.]
I'm cool.
You know, it's-- getting late.
Fruit? [shouting.]
Fruit? What kind of a sick joke is this? Leaving the party so soon? Hey, Brad.
How's it goin'? It's goin' great.
Mother-lover! Now, Brad, let me get that bat.
Give it to me.
No.
No, I might wanna use it.
I mean, the ladies think you're so sweet, you must be filled with candy.
Maybe I'll just beat the candy out of you! I can see that you're really upset.
Uh, why don't we, uh-- sit down, you give me the bat, and, uh, we'll talk about it? All right.
Keep the bat.
Let just sit down.
Talk it out.
Brad? You listen to me.
It's not what you think, okay? [sighs.]
I know you want your parents to patch things up.
And, believe me-- I don't wanna come between them.
Oh, you don't.
Your mom surprised me.
You know, she was-- all over me.
She was unstoppable.
I couldn't do anything about it.
You sayin' my mom just threw herself at you? What, like a-- like a tramp? Is that what you're saying? No.
I, uh, you know-- Brad, you got me.
Okay? You got me.
I-- I-- It was me.
All me.
Your mom didn't do anything.
I knew she wouldn't! You know, this is awkward for me to say, okay? But your mom's got it goin' on.
Really? You-- You're blind to it because you're her son.
When I see her, I don't see a mom.
I see a very intriguing lady.
God, I hate myself.
Well, she's-- [stammers.]
she's a very pretty lady.
She's a-- [sighs.]
My mom is a nice lady.
Stop! Brad, stop taunting me with something I can never have! All right.
All right.
You better check yourself.
I will.
Why don'cha give me the bat? [Sean.]
Ed, what's goin' on? I'm tellin' ya.
The kid's messed up.
Yeah.
Of course he's messed up.
It's been a rough day.
[sighs.]
I'm gonna go see if he's okay.
How you doin', Brad? Oh, I'm-- No, I'm okay.
I just wish I'd gone to Chuck E.
Cheese's.
I know.
It's gonna be okay, Brad.
All right? Sometimes it's easy to forget that moms are people.
You know? But if a woman reaches out in a moment of weakness, there's nothing wrong with that.
Really? Oh, trust me.
It's true.
Just 'cause somebody's a mom, doesn't mean she doesn't have desires and needs, too.
Um-- Mrs.
Finnerty? Are you trying to seduce me? What? No! I'm trying to make you feel better! By seducing me? What's goin' on? Uh-- nothing! Nothing.
Seriously, seriously nothing.
Well, why don't you come back to the party, Brad? We have presents to open.
Oh-- [sighs.]
Mr.
Finnerty, uh-- there's a lady in your life that needs a little attention.
What's he talkin' about? You don't wanna know.
Uh, Eddie? Would you mind walkin' me next door? Um-- I need to get me somethin'.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's go.
I-- I need to talk to you, anyway.
Connie.
These last few hours have-- meant the world to me.
And, uh-- Oh.
Hi, Dan.
Eddie? Connie? Dan? What are you doin' here? I'm here for our son's birthday.
And-- to see you.
Well, you two will have a lot to talk about, no doubt.
Uh-- and-- we don't.
That's fair.
Dude.
You've gotta wrap it up! Not too bad.
Let's do it! Hey.
Hi.
How's it goin'? Hey, Allison.
Jimmy, is your face okay? Yeah.
It's fine.
Just grabbin' a quick shave.
Oh! Because, uh, your face looks a little-- Yeah, I know.
May have nicked myself a little.
No biggee.
It's all part of the male experience.
Okay.
It's getting a little gross.
Oh.
Really? Hey.
What's with the--? Oh my God! Excuse me.
[Guy.]
Dude! Occupied! Can you hear anything? Shh! [Lily.]
Check it out! Brad got a personal air conditioner.
Yeah.
Kinda hard to tell if it works, though.
It's already kind of cold.
Uh-oh.
What's wrong? Uh-- Brady? Your-- your dad's here.
He is? Oh But my mom-- [Claudia.]
I know.
I know.
It's-- all part of Sean's plan.
What kind of stupid plan is that? Okay, can we stop usin' the word "plan", please? Oh my God-- No, Brad.
I don't think you should-- Brad! [Dan.]
Oh, Connie-bear-- [Connie.]
Oh, Dan! [Dan.]
I'm so sorry! [Connie.]
Oh, I've been so lonely! Dad! We're tryin' to make out, ya idiot! I love you, too, Dad! Come on.
[Brad.]
I missed you! Come on, Brad.
Time for cake.
Whoo! All right.
Anyone got somethin' to say about my stupid plan now? Don't think so.
Closed-Captioned By J.
R.
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Burbank, CA