In Living Color (1990) s04e19 Episode Script

[Man.]
Coming this fall from Fox.
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.
Antoine Merrywetherstarring in Deep Sea Men.
Dismissed, sailor.
[Whistling.]
Uh, Captain, I'm all finished in the boiler room.
Request permission to put my shirt back on.
Permission denied, sailor.
Oh, by the way, those smudges look fabulous.
Go put on those little shorts I like so much.
Go on.
Captain, enemy ships at 6:00 and 9:00.
Oh.
Scuse me.
Fire torpedoes! Torpedoes are jammed in the tubes, sir.
We can't get 'em to move.
Oh, phooey! Well, it looks like I'm gonna have to guide this one in myself, men.
I'm going down in the hole.
Scuse me.
Here I come, you Nazi bastards.
Whee! - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color Let's take a tripand sip on a dream Glide with the guideon a funky scene Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believe but someof the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, go Hi.
I'm Chris Connelly from MTV's The Big Picture.
You know, every once in a while, people come along who elevate their profession to a new level.
Basketball has MichaelJordan, hair extension has Michael Bolton.
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and in the field of movie reviewing, well, we've got Blayne and Antoine.
Blayne and Antoine's rise to stardom has been truly phenomenal.
After creating a base of popularity.
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and straining against the bounds of good taste.
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.
Blayne and Antoine finally burst on the TV public.
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exploding on the scene with a shower of hot picks and witty criticism.
And may I add on a personal note, they've taught me a few things about myself.
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some of which, frankly, I'm not sure I wanted to know.
But I thank them anyway.
Check these guys out.
[Women Singing: Disco.]
[Man.]
Cable access channel 62presents Men On Film.
- Hello.
I'm Blayne Edwards.
- And I'm Antoine Merrywether.
[Together.]
And welcome to Men On Films.
- The show that looks at movies.
.
.
- From a male point of view.
Tonight's show is sponsored by.
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.
Nuts & Honey.
- What'd you say? - "Nuttin'," honey.
I bet you can't eat just one.
I bet I could.
You're so crazy.
[Giggling.]
Tonight we'll be wrapping up the summer films.
First up is the box-office smash Total Recall.
Yes, this is the movie where muscle-bound Arnold Schwarzenegger.
.
.
goes in search of his past.
Just a hint, Arnold.
Try looking in the closet.
[Snickers.]
Next we have Betsy's Wedding.
[Together.]
Hated it.
Then there's Ghost.
You know, Patrick Swayze was the real standout in this film.
You know, I'd breathe life into his spirit any day.
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even if I did have to go through Whoopi Goldberg.
- Perish the thought.
- Yes, indeed.
Now we come to Dick Tracy.
You know, I love the title, but the movie just left me limp.
I know what you're saying.
This is.
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.
This is what I don't get.
All the characters fit their names.
You know, Flattop had a flattop.
Pruneface looked just like a little prune.
But I never got the chance to see.
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.
[Mouthing Words.]
I know I wanted to.
What's wrong with you? It's hot in here.
Oh.
Then there's Pretty Woman.
[Together.]
Hated it.
- This one should have been called A Fish Called Julia.
- Ooh.
Next, Eddie Murphy was back in Another 48 Hours.
You know, I'm sorry.
This movie just got off on the wrong track.
I feel that they should have spent more time where the real story is.
- Mm-hmm.
- In the prisons.
I'd like to see more about them old sweaty mens all together in them tiny little cells.
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with no one to turn to but each others.
Ooh, drop the soap.
I'll get it.
Hush.
- Really? - You know I can wait.
Then we come to Spike Lee's Mo'Better Blues.
I'm sorry.
I didn't care for it.
It just didn't put no toot in my horn.
I'm sorry, but I liked this one.
I mean, little Spike Lee outdone himself this time.
He really stretched out in a dual role.
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as both the lead character's manager and love interest.
Oh, he was okay as the manager.
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but, ooh, he just thrilled me to death in those gripping love scenes.
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with big old handsome Denzel Washingtons.
What courage it must have taken for little Spike Lee to take off them glasses.
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and let that little hair get knotty and say.
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.
"Hey, this is me.
Here I am.
See me, love me.
" Hello! Put the car in park.
The love interest was played by Spike Lee's little sister, Joie.
Well, touch me in the morning and then just walk away.
I don't know.
I think you should go see this again.
Then you tell me who's who.
- Yeah, well, you can go without me.
- 'Toine.
Don't get mad.
- 'Toine.
- Okay.
Finally, we have Die Harder.
What a way to go! Ninety minutes with Mr.
Bruce Willis.
Oh, yes.
Don't tempt my tummy with the taste of Nuts & Honey.
Crazy.
You know, the only thing I didn't understand was all the violence in the film.
.
.
'cause the title suggested a love story.
Mm-hmm.
I second that emotion.
I think this one still deserves the new and improved.
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.
[Together.]
Two snaps, a twist and a kiss.
Stop.
Can't touch this.
Well, that's our show.
Next week, we'll be looking at Air America, starring Mel Gibson.
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and little Robert DowneyJrs.
- Pilot to copilot, we're going down in flames.
- [Giggles.]
[Together.]
Bye now.
[Women Singing: Disco.]
[Fades.]
I'm Jeffrey Lyons of CNBC and also Sneak Previews.
There have been many cliffhangers in television history.
Who shotJ.
R.
, for example? Who fathered Murphy's baby? And more recently, who fed Delta Burke? Well, we're gonna look now at one of my favorite cliffhangers of all time.
Just watch.
Tell a friend, child.
[Yelping.]
Oh, my Lord.
Blayne! Blayne! Blayne! Call a doctor.
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.
'cause I think he needs mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Hey, hey, hey, man.
Hey! Man, what you doin', man? - Blayne? Blayne, are you okay? - Yeah, I'm all right.
What's up with you? What's.
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.
What's these funny clothes about, man? - Let's finish the show.
Finish the show.
- Okay.
[Clears Throat.]
Finally.
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we come to that sly Fox of a network.
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and their show Married with Children.
- Loved it.
- Hated it.
What you talkin' about, "Hated it," man? That girl is fine.
The blonde one? With the.
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.
The blonde? Look like she hidin' two midgets, man.
Blonde? Midget? [Yelps.]
[Man.]
Cable access channel 96presents Men On Film.
- Hello.
I'm Blayne Edwards.
- And I'm Antoine Merrywether.
[Together.]
And welcome to Men On Film.
The show that looks at movies from a guy's point of view.
Uh, you mean, from a male point of view.
Yeah, males are guys.
.
.
a guy's point of view.
Huh.
Heh! We have a new sponsor.
Gaytorade.
It's for that deep-down body thirst.
Now packed to the brim with natural protein.
Mmm! Tonight we're gonna look at summer blockbusters.
Our first film up is City Slickers.
Oh, this is a film about little Billy Crystal.
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who finds the real man inside of him.
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by going west and putting on some of those leather chaps.
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and joining in a cattle drive.
I love this film, all that dust and perspiration.
I got saddle sore just watching it.
You want to see? No.
Um.
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.
[Chuckles.]
I didn't really pay much attention.
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.
'cause once they started with the cows and stuff, I just got into my girl.
I had this young lady with me.
We's, like, mackin' it out and stuff, man.
[Laughs.]
Everybody got what they wanted.
Billy even got to take home that little calf, Norman.
Yeah, I bet they had veal chops that night.
[Laughing.]
- Veal.
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.
They killed.
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.
The burger.
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.
- Oh, just hush.
I could just spank you with a cat-o'-nine-tails.
- Oh, look! There goes Charo.
- Where? - Keep looking.
- Where? - Keep looking.
- Where? Hello in there! - I'm sorry.
- Don't do that again.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I thought there was a stinkbug on your head.
I'm warning you, Tony.
Don't do that again, man.
Next up, Truth or Dare.
Oh, Madonna's tour documentary.
My coif for vous, Madonna.
I loved this one.
I could've spent all night watching those fabulously interesting dancers.
Whether to point your toe, don't point your toe, who knows? - I haven't had that much fun since the opening.
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.
- [Snorting.]
Of Paris is Burning.
And that little Oliver.
You know, the Negroid with the blond hair? Oh.
He was riveting.
He was riveting.
But there's one thing.
.
.
Excuse me? Why don't you just cut free, Oliver, and admit who you are? Oliver, I dare you! Tell the truth.
¿Es verdad? - What's "¿Es verdad?" - That's Spanish for "Isn't it the truth?" - You know, I'm bi.
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lingual.
- Uh-huh.
Well, I didn't look at Oliver much.
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but I think Madonna is pretty hot.
And, um, I don't know.
I could forget Truthor Dare.
I wanna see her play spin the bottle.
You seen the way she wrapped her lips around that bottle, man? Yo, she can pop my bottle anytime.
Hello in there.
- That's it, man.
I'm gonna bust your ass.
- Oh! Wait a minute.
I thought there was a daddy longlegs on your head.
Scuse me.
[Chuckles.]
That's it, man.
You want a piece of me? Come on.
Go for it.
Give me your best shot.
- Give me your best shot.
Come on.
- [Gasps.]
[Crying.]
- Blayne? - Tony! Blayne! [Yelping.]
- I'm free! I'm free! - He's back! Come on! You remember the crew! - He's back! - Oh! Hi, Eric and Troy! Join us next week when we'll be reviewing Terminator 2.
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starring muscle-bound Arnold Schwarzenegger.
If this man is the man of the future, wrap me up, freeze me.
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and pack me in liquid steel.
We're celebrating Blayne's return with a new and improved T2 snap.
[Women Singing: Disco.]
[Fades.]
Hello.
I'm Michael Medved, cohost of Sneak Previews.
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and being a movie critic, of course you have to be very picky about.
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who you want sponsoring your show.
You want to be sure that it's a product that you believe in.
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a product which the public would actually envision you using on a regular basis.
And Blayne and Antoine obviously took all of this into consideration.
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when selecting their sponsors.
Just take a look.
Tonight's broadcast is brought to you by.
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Bend-Gay.
I ain't gonna touch it.
- Ben did.
- Stop.
This show is brought to you by Wang.
- Don't they make computers? - Mm-hmm.
Wait a minute.
We got a new sponsor.
Somebody better check their mail.
Tonight's broadcast is brought to you by.
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.
Jewels.
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.
the gum that explodes in your mouth.
I bet you just can't chew one.
And who'd want to? Do you know we have a new sponsor? Wilson Sporting Goods.
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the official balls of the NFL.
I ain't said a word.
Today's show is brought to you by our brand-new sponsor, Dairy Queen.
I scream.
You scream.
We all scream.
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.
- down at the Dairy Queen.
- [Screams.]
Today's show is brought to you by.
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.
- Mr.
Gulp.
- Mm-hmm.
- The ultimate protein shake.
- Mm-hmm.
It's the second-highest source of protein around.
But it tastes just like the first.
Mm-hmm.
You know, we're all familiar with the famous Siskel and Ebert thumbs-up.
Other critics use a star system, and some rate movies on a scale of one to 10.
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but no one does it better than Blayne and 'Toine.
The title alone gets two snaps up.
We gonna have to give this one two snaps up in a circle.
This book gets the yet unheard-of Zorro snap.
In "Z" formation.
To sum up our little European vacation.
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we're gonna have to give the whole trip a new and improved.
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around-the-world-and-back snap.
We'd like to salute all the mens playing the Super Bowl.
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with our special Super Bowl snap.
[Together.]
Two snaps and your backfield in motion.
It's time to give this meal a very special Chef Boyardee snap.
[Together.]
Two snaps, and wipe your mouth.
I think this workout deserves.
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.
[Together.]
Two snaps and a pelvic thrust.
[Women Singing: Disco.]
[Man.]
Public access channel 96presents Men On Film.
- Hello.
I'm Blayne Edwards.
- And I'm Antoine Merrywether.
[Together.]
And welcome to Men On Films.
Tonight, we have a brand-new sponsor.
.
.
Ballpark Phranks.
They plump when you heat 'em.
- I'll bet they do.
- [Chuckles.]
They almost can't fit into the bun.
This week, we're going to answer some of our critics.
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who say we can criticize films, but we don't know how to actually make cinema.
The truth is, we've been making a lot of films over the years.
Mm-hmm.
But tonight, we're gonna focus on our feature films.
So sit back, relax and enjoy this: The first Men on Film festival.
This show is all about us.
It's my turn We begin with a Western picture called The Magnificent Nine.
Now, this wonderful flick starred Blayne in the title role.
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and I have to say, Blayne, you just exploded onto screen.
Kudos! Let's take a look at an exciting scene from The Magnificent Nine.
[Piano.]
[Piano Continues.]
Supposed to wear it to the side.
Bartender, I want something stiff to drink.
Jack Daniel's? He look anything like you? [Humming.]
Say, I'm lookin' for Butch.
- [Piano Stops.]
- I'm Butch.
Who's lookin' for me? Well, if it isn'tJohnny Ringo.
That's a mighty big piece of steel you got strapped to your leg.
This town's not big enough for both of us, Ringo.
I'm ridin' you all the way back to Frisco.
Go ahead.
Make my day.
- Come to Mama, girl.
- [Squeals.]
Butch, I missed you so much.
I ain't seen you since the barn dance.
What happened to you? You left your spurs over at my house.
How did you get out of the handcuffs, girl? Oh, well.
That brings us to our most recent.
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and I must say our most successful colaboración.
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the boxing classic, Kid Fist.
- [Rings.]
- I think he likes me.
Hey, let go of me, muchacho.
- [Man.]
Come on.
- Go, Fist, go.
Go! Hold still.
Boink! - I hope that hurt, beast.
- [Bell Rings.]
- Yea, Fist! - Thank you.
Hold the rope, girl.
Ooh.
Ah.
Aw, geez, he's good.
All that Latin blood just pulsing away in him.
And he's cute.
- Maybe I should do a couple of rounds.
- Come back here.
- Don't swallow.
- I never do.
Oh, look at my eye.
It's all puffy.
- I know.
I could fix it with a little Vaseline.
- Oh, I've heard that before.
- [Bell Rings.]
- Listen, if he hits you again, you tie him up.
Okay.
I don't think he's into that.
Yoo-hoo, Pedro.
Let's give Kid Fist the new Men on Film patented festival flamenco snap.
Olé! [Chuckles.]
Well, I think this should put to rest all that carping and caterwauling.
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about who can and who cannot make movies around here.
Join us next week when we take a look.
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at a new Christmas film, The Last Boy Scouts.
Mm-hmm.
Zip up your sleeping bags, 'cause it's gonna be a bumpy night.
- I hope so.
- Good night, everyone.
[Women Singing: Disco.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]