Lexx s04e19 Episode Script
Haley's Comet
Goodbye, little blue planet! I feel good - how about you? Yeah - I feel pretty good too.
Hey Lexx, what about you, you feel good? I feel good too, captain - and I will feel even better when I eat that little tiny snack - ahead of us.
- Good Lexx, good, yeah.
Well now captain Stanley is going off to have himself a long overdue very pleasant uninterrupted sleep.
What tiny little snack? Who cares?! - I do.
- You care about Lexx's snacks? I'm just curious, that's all.
You poor lizard.
OK Lexx, let's see the snack that you're about to eat.
It is very small, and is crunchy on the outside, - and chewy on the inside.
- See? It's a piece of space junk.
You satisfied? Enjoy your snack, Lexx.
Stan! Stan! What is it now? So, it's a snack that makes noise.
I don't think it's just a snack that makes noise, Stan.
It's someone trying to contact us.
And you want -? Oh Tweedle, this is a mistake.
Xev, no matter who it is, or what it is, we are not going back to Earth, OK? OK Lexx, make contact.
As you command, captain.
- Hello? - Yeah yeah yeah, who is it? Hello? We've been rescued! Hey rescue dudes, like, whoa! Like what? - Whoa.
- Whoa.
They took the bait! What do you mean, they took the bait? Hello Lexx.
Sayonara Earth.
Lexx 4-19 Haley's Comet ?????????? ??????? Oh yeah.
And here, is where we eat.
Lexx - food please.
???????? Does it contain animal products? I don't know, do you count insects as animals? - Yes! - Well, the Lexx is an insect, and this food - if you can call it that! - is a product of the Lexx, so - does that answer your question? - It does.
- It's like, totally totally bland, but I'm like really really hungry, so no problemo.
Is it organic? Well, it comes from an organ.
It comes from - a very big organ.
The Lexx's food organ.
Yeah, the Lexx makes all the food we want as long as he's had something to eat himself, and since he just ate Holland it's like hey, no problemo.
It reminds me of that food they served at that overpriced American private school that Haley went to in Croydon.
The Earth is a dying planet dude, that's why we're up here.
Well that's why we're up here too.
Excellent! And that's why we're leaving it.
- Kyoto, man.
- Globalisation.
World Trade Organisation.
No free trade and agriculture.
The planet is like totally controlled by evil forces.
Well hey, I'm with you there.
Hey, don't stand so close to the edge, that's dangerous! Do you guys like sex? Yeah! Good.
See - I'm a love slave, and I went down to Earth so I could find men to have sex with, but it never worked out.
I think that is because it's a Type 13 planet controlled by evil forces.
So now we want to find a new and better planet where they have more sex more often - a lot more often.
That's, like - - great.
- Yeah.
We're trying to get the message out.
Will you help us? Sure.
What message? That the big corporations rule everything.
We want it to stop.
And we want reparations for the people, all the people.
The corporations must be made - to pay, dude.
- This may make sense to you guys but I have no idea what you're talking about.
OK, OK, check this out - Haley's dad is like this big rich corporate dude, and she has a huge trust fund and we used the money to pay the Russians in Kazakhstan, you know, Star City, where they send up all the Sputniks and stuff to blast us up here into space.
So we could get the message to the people.
It was an old Comet class capsule that never got used.
And we have a laptop with all the right codes for like the TV satellites and stuff but the antenna got busted on the launch or something so like he we are, up in space like totally disconnected from ground control.
So - just let me see if I understand this - you went up into space in that, that tin can, so that you could broadcast a message back to Earth.
- Exactly.
- OK.
And you want us to help you go back so you can do that.
Dude, you like totally got it! Well, we're not gonna do it.
- Why not? - Because we put the Earth behind us.
It's a bad planet and we don't want anything ever to do with it.
What do you mean, put the Earth behind you? I mean, that we are going far far away from the Earth, never to return, and with any luck we'll never even have to think - about it ever again.
- But I have to be back next week for the Earth Fest in Trieste.
Have you ever been to Trieste? - No.
- I don't understand.
Where would you live then, on the space station? - What space station? - This one.
Oh no.
This is not a space station.
This is the Lexx - the most powerful force of destruction ever built in the two universe, and I am the captain.
He is the captain.
Wow.
Stan, we haven't gone that far yet.
Maybe we should just swing back round to Earth - and drop them off.
- Xev, you promised! We agreed that we were never gonna go back there.
Well, we're probably still close enough to send them back in a moth.
Yeah? Yeah, we could do that.
We could do something else.
- Like what? - Like bring them with us.
What do you have in mind? Well, maybe we could just send the guys back in a moth, you know? Well look, the crew is unbalanced here, we need a couple more females.
I think it's the girls who wanna go back, if anyone.
We're in no hurry.
We can just bring them with us for a while and if things work out the way captain Stan would like, well then great.
If it doesn't, we can just drop them off someplace pleasant - or unpleasant, depends on how they behave.
Kai, what do you think? I think - the dead should not intrude in the affairs of the living.
Wow, weird cloth.
Can you machine wash this, or do you have to take it to the dry cleaners? It is made of very small living structures strung together.
It cleans itself.
Get your fingers off my man, - you evil tramp! - Excuse me? I am a psycically jealous robot head in love with a dead man, and I've been watching you and I can see the need to corpse-cuddle growing in your wicked little eyes! He's funny.
Actually no, he's not funny.
He's an evil and a dangerous robot head and his programming is totally defective.
He actually is in love with Kai, so I just recommend that you stay away from him.
Stay away from Kai too because he's dead, he's got no interest in women.
Is that true? Yes.
But now, umm, see, if you - Now this ship is really some weird secret NASA thing except you're not allowed to tell me the truth, right? - No, this actually is the Lexx.
- And you're - the captain.
- Yes, I'm the captain.
Now I gotta go, OK? Dude, I don't believe you.
Don't believe what? You don't exactly look like a captain.
I don't look like a captain.
Come over here.
Lexx, who's your captain? You are my one and only captain, - captain Stan.
- Cool.
How do you control it? Well, like you just saw, I've got this key and I just - - Just what? - Jast - Nothing.
- Nothing? Dude, get real.
I said nothing! Everything else is on a need to know basis, and you two do not need to know.
We've got to get them to broadcast the message.
That's what this is all about.
You're right Haley.
- How are we gonna do it? - Well, we're gonna have to make 'em like us.
Like us how? Really like us.
We're gonna have to put out for them, if we expect them to perform for us.
You get the captain, Haley.
He's like, way over 30! And anyway, how can I, when - When what? - You and I, you know - - We what? Don't worry.
This is just a practical thing.
It won't affect you and me.
We've all gotta make sacrifices Haley, to get the word out to the people! I have to ask, how you ever managed to get it up with her.
I just closed my eyes and thought of the trust fund.
You're dangerous, aren't you? Yes.
Wow.
Is this where you sleep? I do not sleep, but I do spend most of my time in this cryopod in a state of suspended animation to preserve my protoblood.
Are you aware of anything when you're in it? No.
Why aren't you in it now? Stan and Xev reanimate me, when they think they may need my assistance, such as when they encounter an unknown craft in space.
You mean - like us? What do you want, Amber? I don't know - I'm confused.
Confused? She is an evil witch who's trying to cast a spell on my dead man, who really wants to cuddle with my casing, only he doesn't realise it.
Kai - use your brace and kill her so I don't have to endure her grating voice any longer! I will not do that, 790 What is your brace? This.
What does it do? It kills people.
Have you killed anyone - with it? - I was an assassin with the Divine Order for 2000 years.
I have killed many people.
Show me how it works.
Show her Kai - by killing her! He is not interested in you.
What makes you say that? He has not had sex in over 6000 years and has no interest in anyone - especially stupid tarts with tacky clothes! I might be interested in him.
- I won't allow it! - You won't? No I will not.
Stay far away - from my man, or - - Or what? Or I'll do whatever I have to to stop you.
And what would that be? I'll run you down! I'll scramble your programming! I'll bite you if I get the chance! I'll - I think you're overheating.
But I love him.
I love him! Kai! I love you, and she's just a cheap floozy trying to add you to her trophy shelf! I find it hard to love those who are destroying the Earth.
Don't worry.
We agreed not to blow up your planet.
I always knew you were hot Xev but - you're even hotter in the flesh.
How did you know I was hot? I saw you.
The whole world saw you.
First on the Internet, and then on that TV show.
And now here I am with you, that's totally cool.
No - totally hot.
Red hot - which you are.
And which Stanley is not, so why is he the captain and not your babelicious self? Because he has the key to the Lexx.
And how did he get it? That's a long story.
Dear dear good old pal buddy buddy flawed but ever loveable Stan - I'm desperate.
- You have to help me.
- Forget it Listen, you seen Amber? I have, pus breath.
Let's make a deal.
I'll do anything you want, you name it, as long as you kill - the scheming bitch for me.
- What?! Amber, she's after Kai.
What?! What, you want me to murder her?! Call it what you want, I consider it a mercy killing.
Just end her life, please! And you think I'm gonna murder somebody just like that? I haven't exactly observed a solid moral streak in you, so yes.
No 790, no way.
I am not going to do it.
Please?! No 790, no - ten times no - forget it! Look, look, would you just - wait.
- I'll make a deal with you.
- What? OK.
Now you convince Amber to do some, you know, dirty dancing with me, and I'll do my best to make sure that she stays away from Kai.
I will have nothing to do with your filthy schemes.
OK.
Fine.
Because sooner or later she's gonna get tired of going after the dead guy, and so Stan the man's gonna get his way in the end anyway.
Captain Stanley? I have something for you.
And then Lyekka we think, who gave it to a moth breeder, who gave it to Bunny - that's the First Lady - who gave it back to a moth breeder, then back to Bunny, - and then Stan got it back.
- Whoa! Whoa! I'd like how? Why do you wanna know? Hey, I'm a curious guy - it's a part of my nature.
It's part of my nature too, but - What? Can I trust you? Xev, you can trust me, I promise.
Good.
See, you can only get the key if the person, who has it is brought to either the extreme of sexual ecstasy, or the edge of death.
Cool.
Totally and excellently cool.
And now Totally and excellently hot.
Hang in there babe.
Stay frosty - I mean, hot - and I'll be right back.
We have totally hit the jackpot, I can't believe that this is all working.
Look, I'll do the man in black, but not the captain, no way! The man in black does not have the key, OK? And he's dead so, forget it.
Amber, you have to go like right now and pounce on Tweedle before Haley does anything and gets the key for herself.
OK, I really can't see Haley bringing anyone anywhere near the edge of sexual ecstasy - - even him.
- She's right about that.
I say we just kill the captain.
I would agree - if it wasn't for the dude in black and his brace thing.
I've read loads of ATF files about people, he totally shish-kebabed them.
We have to put the dead man on ice.
- Yeah! - So how do we do that? Men always do what I want.
- Oh yeah? - Trust me.
- Why? - You did.
Look, it's not like this is the first time I ever lowered myself purely for personal gain.
I did sleep with both of you, right? Did you -? Well Haley - what is it you want? I want to - Sleep.
With you.
That's great! Now, I assume by sleep with me you don't mean lie down beside me and have a little snooze? No.
But, like so many women you're just overcome by my manhood and you find yourself compelled to jump on me and enjoy my studly self to the fullest.
Am I right? Yes.
Well - I'm ready.
Do your worst.
Well.
You could start - by ripping off my clothes.
How dare you, creep! What did you do that for?! Josh and Ryan may want me to, but I won't do it! But I got - Hiya babe.
Hi Josh.
So, where were we? Are you ready to resume playing hide the salami with Mr Big Meat, 'cause I feel like a wild bull tonight! Xev, you're like Miss Hot Wings, baby - you're like Miss Super Spicy Hot Wings - Miss Super Spicy Hot Wings with extra cayenne.
Josh?! Haley! - Hi.
- Admit it - you were only interested in me for my trust fund.
OK, you got me - I admit it.
How could you do that? I had to - to get the message out Haley - to the people.
I don't believe you.
I don't believe anything you say.
I bet everything you ever told me was a lie! Not everything - just You can have him.
He says he cares about the planet, but all he really cares about is himself.
I wish I'd never met you Josh.
What, her? Ah come on, don't worry.
Haley's like and you're like - mmm Ever have the urge to kill someone? Yes.
I know the feeling - well.
Amber! I've never been this close to a real live captain before.
Well, there's - there's always a first time for everything.
I really really wanna be with you, Captain Stanley, it's just that I can't stop thinking about someone else.
- Who? - Kai.
There's something really special about him.
Yeah, he's dead - which means that he can never satisfy you the way a real live man can.
I wish I could get him out of my head! It would make things so much easier for us.
You, you just wait here a second, - OK? - OK.
Yeah.
I'm just thinking of your best interests here Kai, you know, the longer you're up the more protoblood you waste.
It makes sense for you to shut down for a while.
What if you need me to protect you? Well if we need you we'll wake you, OK? Nighty night.
Oh Amber, get ready for some real live man meat! Excellent.
Sleep tight, dead man.
Oh Amber, hope you're as ready as I am.
I mean, I'm talking extra hot.
I'm talking - extra spicy.
- Josh! We're set man.
That's great - can you come back later? So - I'm gonna go tell Amber she doesn't have to do what she doesn't wanna do with the captain.
That's great.
Bye Ryan.
What does Amber not have to do with the captain? Oh I don't know - I think it's something between her and Ryan.
Who cares? I do.
Hey Amber, you don't have to think about Kai - Amber? Amber! Hey, - you seen Amber? - No, why? Oh, no.
Forget it man - you're definitely not her type.
Listen kid - experience does count for something.
You just might learn that one day.
Amber! What about Kai? - Coll.
- Excellent.
So - you gonna kill him - or bonk him? Maybe both.
It's in a piece of manmade infrastructure, so the Lexx didn't absorb it like it does most other things.
Lucky I spotted it.
What is it? It's called a blackpak.
It's the solution to all your problems - and mine.
Careful.
Amber! Amber! Amber! Amber.
Amber.
Oh, there you are.
He looks like he's sleeping.
No, no, he's frozen actually.
Yeah, yeah, he kept going on about how his protoblood was running out and how he needed to go into cryostasis and then he just closed the lid on himself.
When will he wake up? Oh, could be months, maybe years even.
Yeah, but in the meantime why don't you and I retire to captain Stan's place for a little one on one? Yeah, OK.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Oh.
OK.
Haley has a lot of unresolved issues, and all you have to do is throw her a few scraps of affection and she's your slave, right? It doesn't even have to be real affection, because you can fake it easily, because she can't tell the difference.
But she's been useful, hasn't she? You really care about the planet, don't you Ryan? I do.
I care about the planet.
You just used me for my trust fund.
You needed my money to pay the Russians to launch the Comet capsule.
Good Haley - what's that thing in your hands? Amber.
Amber.
Amber.
You're strong.
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah yeah yeah.
Nice start.
Oh yes - Turn around.
- Turn around? OK.
OK.
Stanley likey! We're gonna have some fun.
Oh Amber, you make me feel good.
Amber? OK Haley, I'll come clean.
You know Josh and I can hack into anything? Well about a year ago we hacked into an ATF server - the Department of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms who really do control everything.
We got to learn about the Lexx, and how the Earth was going down the crapper.
So we thought it would be the best thing to get off the planet and onto the Lexx - and now here we are.
So all that stuff about getting the message out to the people was just a big lie.
Well - kind of a lie.
We're not exactly against that, but the Earth is a very sick planet, as you yourself always say, so we thought it would be the best idea to get off the planet and go somewhere else.
And look - we are off the planet.
Me, Amber, Josh - and you, Haley.
We're rescued.
We are the lucky ones.
I don't feel lucky.
I do.
That's nice.
Oh that feels - you make me feel soo good.
And this thing in my hand is called a blackpak.
What's that do? Let's find out.
I hope it hurts.
What was that? - What? - You tell me.
It sounded like a blackpak, only it couldn't have been.
Coming? Not likely.
I've just got to check out something.
But baby - my booster rocket is fuelled up and ready to launch like right now.
Well - you'll have to keep it in the upright launch position till I'm back.
- Where's Ryan? - Gohe.
Gone where? Gone away - forever.
You just said it would hurt him! I'm sure it did hurt him - but it also killed him.
How does it feel? Good.
That makes me happy.
- Where's Ryan? - Gone.
Gone where? Away - but he told me everything before he left.
What everything? Just - everything.
- You know.
- I don't know.
Haley is going to kill you, you conniving tramp.
Yeah, right.
If that's all you have to say I'm leaving here, tout suite.
That's right, you are leaving here, because like the robot head said you'll be dead - tout suite.
Haley - you've always been a few French fries short of a happy meal, but this is taking things a bit far.
No it isn't.
You guys used me and you deserve to die.
And she's going to kill you - just like she killed Ryan.
- You killed Ryan? - Yes I did - with this thing.
I don't believe you.
Believe me.
Even if you did, why would you want to kill me? All I've ever wanted to do was to broadcast to the people.
That's a lie.
You're a scheming bitch! Killing you will make me feel good, which is something I haven't felt much recently.
You can't be serious.
I am.
Deadly serious.
You don't care about Haley and you never did.
Haley was just a wallet to you.
I told Ryan and Josh we should have gotten rid of you the second we blasted off.
You know why they didn't? Because there was no way to get you out of the capsule and they didn't want your dead body to stink the place up! You are a scheming bitch.
And you're sick in the head.
Exactly.
Now pull the trigger.
Haley - I'm gonna take that thing away from you.
- No, you're not.
- Yes I am.
- Shoot! - Hailey, you've always been a good girl who's done what she's been told.
That's not gonna change now.
Haley's not a good girl anymore.
- Haley - - Amber - - Bitchslapped! - Amber - - Why didn't you shoot?! - I don't know.
What do I do now? You finish the job.
You're a serial killer now.
You have to get rid of the rest of the crew - all of them - especially Xev.
She's the most dangerous.
Stan is only the captain because he has the key to the Lexx inside him.
As soon as you kill him the key will fly out of his rotten flesh and go into you, and you will be captain of the Lexx and can rule the universe! Quick - pick me up and take the other exit.
We have to cut Stan off before he can get to Kai in the cryochamber.
Kai! Kai.
Kai.
I missed him! I can't tell you how disappointed I am.
Now pick me up and bring me over to Kai.
Don't we have to kill the others now? Yes we do.
But I just need a short time to admire my man.
- Haley blackpaked Amber.
- What?! Yeah, she's got 790 on her side, and now she's after all of us.
We gotta get outta here fast.
- Where's Kai? - Kai's in the cryochamber, he's frozen.
We can't go in there.
Haley's in there.
I was just in there and she tried to kill me.
- What's going on? - Haley's got a blackpak.
- Where'd she get it? - What's a blackpak? I don't know where she got it.
A blackpak is - it's a weapon from the Cluster, it kills people.
I didn't even know we had any.
- 790! - Yeah, he musta put her up to this.
I saw her kill Amber and she said she killed Ryan and now she's after all of us.
I shoulda dumped her in space.
Yes you should have - before sweet little always trying to please everyone Haley discovered something really important about herself.
- What's that, babe? - That it feels really good to kill jerks like you, Josh.
Cut the small talk Haley, pull the trigger! End their lives and then sink into a state of guilt and depression and end your own life.
I am not completely evil! I am madly in love with my man and I don't like having anyone else around to compete with - especially you.
So Haley, you easily manipulated and stupid cow - blast 'em! What do you mean, easily manipulated? You were manipulated by your rich father.
You were manipulated by your no-good boyfriend, and now you're being manipulated by a love-smitten robot head - but who cares about the details?! The only important thing is that you end the lives of Stan and Xev and the other flesh bag.
- They're getting away! - Stop! Haley will not be manipulated anymore.
Haley - you're a serial killer.
- Finish the job! - No! I thought you enjoyed killing the others.
I did.
So I will kill them - but only because I want to, not because you say so.
Fine by me.
Now shoot! Quick, the moth.
- We gotta fly.
- Fly where? I don't know.
Earth? Earth is a doomed planet, and it's probably out of moth range by now anyway.
Yeah, you're right.
We have to wake up Kai, it's our only choice.
No no, 790 probably expects that, - they'll be waiting for us.
- But they only have one blackpak, they can't track all of us, so we have to split up and go to the cryochamber from different directions.
She's right, that's our only choice He's got enhanced hearing, remember? I certainly do.
Stan, you go back this way.
I'll go the other way round past the shower, and you go the short way through the galley.
Do you still remember how to get to the cryochamber from here? Sure.
No challenge there.
Good.
Be careful.
I will.
No challenge is exactly right.
So who are you going to get rid of first? Myself.
No no no Haley, not yet.
Not yet? Save yourself for last.
What do you mean? I mean after everyone else is dead and you realise what a monster you've become, then you should blow yourself away - and leave me all alone with my corpse.
You're sick! Not as sick as you.
I am doing this for love.
You are doing it for enjoyment.
So get on with it! Easies easy.
They're in a moth! Quick - you have to shoot them down before they escape.
What are you doing, you're supposed to be on your way to the cryochamber! I'll come back - when you wake up the dead dude and take care of Haley.
In the meantime - good luck! You bring that moth back here right now.
Er - OK.
Right after Haley blasts you and I get the key.
How did he know about the key? That's all he's here for.
Hiya Josh.
Hiya Haley.
Josh doesn't care about the planet, or anything else - except himself! He used me.
Haley was stupid back then but she's not anymore.
Haley's gonna kill him! And then - she's gonna kill you.
Haley, wait.
Killing is like - like, wrong.
So is sleeping with people who are emotionally fucked up just to get their dad's money! Get your clock fixed, Haley! See, I can understand why you might want to kill him, - but why us? - Because she's flipped! And when you're dead she's going to turn the blackpak on herself and leave me all alone with my beloved stiff.
You really think I'm going to do that? I don't think it - I know it.
You're probably right.
Of course I'm right.
That's why I chose you.
I would not have given the blackpak to someone who might potentially have interfered with my one and only forever and ever relationship.
get out of this, - it's the end for you.
- Yeah? No trust fund, no boyfriend, no hope, Haley.
Do us all a favour and finish yourself off.
Back off.
Back off! Oh, what a silly girl.
Kai - good timing, sort of.
What are you doing up? I did not believe your argument Stanley, so I programmed the cryopod control unit to wake me up after a short time - but I see you do not need my help.
Not now.
She might have been a mixed up girl, responsible for what happened.
I think we ought to reset you.
No.
I am perfectly content being in love with Kai.
We can reset him, but he is wired for love.
As soon as we turn him on again he will become hopelessly infatuated with the first person he sees, and exhibit exactly the same obsessive and antisocial behaviour.
I am hopelessly infatuated with Kai and I want to stay that way! We could make him fall in love with you Stan.
No thanks! I vomit at the thought.
We could destroy him you know.
You could do that with your brace, - couldn't you Kai? - Yes.
Sometimes we do really need him.
He deserves the scrap heap.
I agree.
But he's restrained in place, so we're safe for now, hmm? I am safe for now.
But please put me in the cryochamber so I can admire the dead one.
Oh no, 790 - you have to suffer at least a little, probably a lot for what you did.
Kai - bring me with you.
My programmes are crashing.
My circuits are sizzling.
I am suffering damage beyond repair.
Kai, please! Don't leave me! Mikl, Bars (beta-reader) (ñèíõðîíèçàöèÿ è êîððåêòèðîâêà)
Hey Lexx, what about you, you feel good? I feel good too, captain - and I will feel even better when I eat that little tiny snack - ahead of us.
- Good Lexx, good, yeah.
Well now captain Stanley is going off to have himself a long overdue very pleasant uninterrupted sleep.
What tiny little snack? Who cares?! - I do.
- You care about Lexx's snacks? I'm just curious, that's all.
You poor lizard.
OK Lexx, let's see the snack that you're about to eat.
It is very small, and is crunchy on the outside, - and chewy on the inside.
- See? It's a piece of space junk.
You satisfied? Enjoy your snack, Lexx.
Stan! Stan! What is it now? So, it's a snack that makes noise.
I don't think it's just a snack that makes noise, Stan.
It's someone trying to contact us.
And you want -? Oh Tweedle, this is a mistake.
Xev, no matter who it is, or what it is, we are not going back to Earth, OK? OK Lexx, make contact.
As you command, captain.
- Hello? - Yeah yeah yeah, who is it? Hello? We've been rescued! Hey rescue dudes, like, whoa! Like what? - Whoa.
- Whoa.
They took the bait! What do you mean, they took the bait? Hello Lexx.
Sayonara Earth.
Lexx 4-19 Haley's Comet ?????????? ??????? Oh yeah.
And here, is where we eat.
Lexx - food please.
???????? Does it contain animal products? I don't know, do you count insects as animals? - Yes! - Well, the Lexx is an insect, and this food - if you can call it that! - is a product of the Lexx, so - does that answer your question? - It does.
- It's like, totally totally bland, but I'm like really really hungry, so no problemo.
Is it organic? Well, it comes from an organ.
It comes from - a very big organ.
The Lexx's food organ.
Yeah, the Lexx makes all the food we want as long as he's had something to eat himself, and since he just ate Holland it's like hey, no problemo.
It reminds me of that food they served at that overpriced American private school that Haley went to in Croydon.
The Earth is a dying planet dude, that's why we're up here.
Well that's why we're up here too.
Excellent! And that's why we're leaving it.
- Kyoto, man.
- Globalisation.
World Trade Organisation.
No free trade and agriculture.
The planet is like totally controlled by evil forces.
Well hey, I'm with you there.
Hey, don't stand so close to the edge, that's dangerous! Do you guys like sex? Yeah! Good.
See - I'm a love slave, and I went down to Earth so I could find men to have sex with, but it never worked out.
I think that is because it's a Type 13 planet controlled by evil forces.
So now we want to find a new and better planet where they have more sex more often - a lot more often.
That's, like - - great.
- Yeah.
We're trying to get the message out.
Will you help us? Sure.
What message? That the big corporations rule everything.
We want it to stop.
And we want reparations for the people, all the people.
The corporations must be made - to pay, dude.
- This may make sense to you guys but I have no idea what you're talking about.
OK, OK, check this out - Haley's dad is like this big rich corporate dude, and she has a huge trust fund and we used the money to pay the Russians in Kazakhstan, you know, Star City, where they send up all the Sputniks and stuff to blast us up here into space.
So we could get the message to the people.
It was an old Comet class capsule that never got used.
And we have a laptop with all the right codes for like the TV satellites and stuff but the antenna got busted on the launch or something so like he we are, up in space like totally disconnected from ground control.
So - just let me see if I understand this - you went up into space in that, that tin can, so that you could broadcast a message back to Earth.
- Exactly.
- OK.
And you want us to help you go back so you can do that.
Dude, you like totally got it! Well, we're not gonna do it.
- Why not? - Because we put the Earth behind us.
It's a bad planet and we don't want anything ever to do with it.
What do you mean, put the Earth behind you? I mean, that we are going far far away from the Earth, never to return, and with any luck we'll never even have to think - about it ever again.
- But I have to be back next week for the Earth Fest in Trieste.
Have you ever been to Trieste? - No.
- I don't understand.
Where would you live then, on the space station? - What space station? - This one.
Oh no.
This is not a space station.
This is the Lexx - the most powerful force of destruction ever built in the two universe, and I am the captain.
He is the captain.
Wow.
Stan, we haven't gone that far yet.
Maybe we should just swing back round to Earth - and drop them off.
- Xev, you promised! We agreed that we were never gonna go back there.
Well, we're probably still close enough to send them back in a moth.
Yeah? Yeah, we could do that.
We could do something else.
- Like what? - Like bring them with us.
What do you have in mind? Well, maybe we could just send the guys back in a moth, you know? Well look, the crew is unbalanced here, we need a couple more females.
I think it's the girls who wanna go back, if anyone.
We're in no hurry.
We can just bring them with us for a while and if things work out the way captain Stan would like, well then great.
If it doesn't, we can just drop them off someplace pleasant - or unpleasant, depends on how they behave.
Kai, what do you think? I think - the dead should not intrude in the affairs of the living.
Wow, weird cloth.
Can you machine wash this, or do you have to take it to the dry cleaners? It is made of very small living structures strung together.
It cleans itself.
Get your fingers off my man, - you evil tramp! - Excuse me? I am a psycically jealous robot head in love with a dead man, and I've been watching you and I can see the need to corpse-cuddle growing in your wicked little eyes! He's funny.
Actually no, he's not funny.
He's an evil and a dangerous robot head and his programming is totally defective.
He actually is in love with Kai, so I just recommend that you stay away from him.
Stay away from Kai too because he's dead, he's got no interest in women.
Is that true? Yes.
But now, umm, see, if you - Now this ship is really some weird secret NASA thing except you're not allowed to tell me the truth, right? - No, this actually is the Lexx.
- And you're - the captain.
- Yes, I'm the captain.
Now I gotta go, OK? Dude, I don't believe you.
Don't believe what? You don't exactly look like a captain.
I don't look like a captain.
Come over here.
Lexx, who's your captain? You are my one and only captain, - captain Stan.
- Cool.
How do you control it? Well, like you just saw, I've got this key and I just - - Just what? - Jast - Nothing.
- Nothing? Dude, get real.
I said nothing! Everything else is on a need to know basis, and you two do not need to know.
We've got to get them to broadcast the message.
That's what this is all about.
You're right Haley.
- How are we gonna do it? - Well, we're gonna have to make 'em like us.
Like us how? Really like us.
We're gonna have to put out for them, if we expect them to perform for us.
You get the captain, Haley.
He's like, way over 30! And anyway, how can I, when - When what? - You and I, you know - - We what? Don't worry.
This is just a practical thing.
It won't affect you and me.
We've all gotta make sacrifices Haley, to get the word out to the people! I have to ask, how you ever managed to get it up with her.
I just closed my eyes and thought of the trust fund.
You're dangerous, aren't you? Yes.
Wow.
Is this where you sleep? I do not sleep, but I do spend most of my time in this cryopod in a state of suspended animation to preserve my protoblood.
Are you aware of anything when you're in it? No.
Why aren't you in it now? Stan and Xev reanimate me, when they think they may need my assistance, such as when they encounter an unknown craft in space.
You mean - like us? What do you want, Amber? I don't know - I'm confused.
Confused? She is an evil witch who's trying to cast a spell on my dead man, who really wants to cuddle with my casing, only he doesn't realise it.
Kai - use your brace and kill her so I don't have to endure her grating voice any longer! I will not do that, 790 What is your brace? This.
What does it do? It kills people.
Have you killed anyone - with it? - I was an assassin with the Divine Order for 2000 years.
I have killed many people.
Show me how it works.
Show her Kai - by killing her! He is not interested in you.
What makes you say that? He has not had sex in over 6000 years and has no interest in anyone - especially stupid tarts with tacky clothes! I might be interested in him.
- I won't allow it! - You won't? No I will not.
Stay far away - from my man, or - - Or what? Or I'll do whatever I have to to stop you.
And what would that be? I'll run you down! I'll scramble your programming! I'll bite you if I get the chance! I'll - I think you're overheating.
But I love him.
I love him! Kai! I love you, and she's just a cheap floozy trying to add you to her trophy shelf! I find it hard to love those who are destroying the Earth.
Don't worry.
We agreed not to blow up your planet.
I always knew you were hot Xev but - you're even hotter in the flesh.
How did you know I was hot? I saw you.
The whole world saw you.
First on the Internet, and then on that TV show.
And now here I am with you, that's totally cool.
No - totally hot.
Red hot - which you are.
And which Stanley is not, so why is he the captain and not your babelicious self? Because he has the key to the Lexx.
And how did he get it? That's a long story.
Dear dear good old pal buddy buddy flawed but ever loveable Stan - I'm desperate.
- You have to help me.
- Forget it Listen, you seen Amber? I have, pus breath.
Let's make a deal.
I'll do anything you want, you name it, as long as you kill - the scheming bitch for me.
- What?! Amber, she's after Kai.
What?! What, you want me to murder her?! Call it what you want, I consider it a mercy killing.
Just end her life, please! And you think I'm gonna murder somebody just like that? I haven't exactly observed a solid moral streak in you, so yes.
No 790, no way.
I am not going to do it.
Please?! No 790, no - ten times no - forget it! Look, look, would you just - wait.
- I'll make a deal with you.
- What? OK.
Now you convince Amber to do some, you know, dirty dancing with me, and I'll do my best to make sure that she stays away from Kai.
I will have nothing to do with your filthy schemes.
OK.
Fine.
Because sooner or later she's gonna get tired of going after the dead guy, and so Stan the man's gonna get his way in the end anyway.
Captain Stanley? I have something for you.
And then Lyekka we think, who gave it to a moth breeder, who gave it to Bunny - that's the First Lady - who gave it back to a moth breeder, then back to Bunny, - and then Stan got it back.
- Whoa! Whoa! I'd like how? Why do you wanna know? Hey, I'm a curious guy - it's a part of my nature.
It's part of my nature too, but - What? Can I trust you? Xev, you can trust me, I promise.
Good.
See, you can only get the key if the person, who has it is brought to either the extreme of sexual ecstasy, or the edge of death.
Cool.
Totally and excellently cool.
And now Totally and excellently hot.
Hang in there babe.
Stay frosty - I mean, hot - and I'll be right back.
We have totally hit the jackpot, I can't believe that this is all working.
Look, I'll do the man in black, but not the captain, no way! The man in black does not have the key, OK? And he's dead so, forget it.
Amber, you have to go like right now and pounce on Tweedle before Haley does anything and gets the key for herself.
OK, I really can't see Haley bringing anyone anywhere near the edge of sexual ecstasy - - even him.
- She's right about that.
I say we just kill the captain.
I would agree - if it wasn't for the dude in black and his brace thing.
I've read loads of ATF files about people, he totally shish-kebabed them.
We have to put the dead man on ice.
- Yeah! - So how do we do that? Men always do what I want.
- Oh yeah? - Trust me.
- Why? - You did.
Look, it's not like this is the first time I ever lowered myself purely for personal gain.
I did sleep with both of you, right? Did you -? Well Haley - what is it you want? I want to - Sleep.
With you.
That's great! Now, I assume by sleep with me you don't mean lie down beside me and have a little snooze? No.
But, like so many women you're just overcome by my manhood and you find yourself compelled to jump on me and enjoy my studly self to the fullest.
Am I right? Yes.
Well - I'm ready.
Do your worst.
Well.
You could start - by ripping off my clothes.
How dare you, creep! What did you do that for?! Josh and Ryan may want me to, but I won't do it! But I got - Hiya babe.
Hi Josh.
So, where were we? Are you ready to resume playing hide the salami with Mr Big Meat, 'cause I feel like a wild bull tonight! Xev, you're like Miss Hot Wings, baby - you're like Miss Super Spicy Hot Wings - Miss Super Spicy Hot Wings with extra cayenne.
Josh?! Haley! - Hi.
- Admit it - you were only interested in me for my trust fund.
OK, you got me - I admit it.
How could you do that? I had to - to get the message out Haley - to the people.
I don't believe you.
I don't believe anything you say.
I bet everything you ever told me was a lie! Not everything - just You can have him.
He says he cares about the planet, but all he really cares about is himself.
I wish I'd never met you Josh.
What, her? Ah come on, don't worry.
Haley's like and you're like - mmm Ever have the urge to kill someone? Yes.
I know the feeling - well.
Amber! I've never been this close to a real live captain before.
Well, there's - there's always a first time for everything.
I really really wanna be with you, Captain Stanley, it's just that I can't stop thinking about someone else.
- Who? - Kai.
There's something really special about him.
Yeah, he's dead - which means that he can never satisfy you the way a real live man can.
I wish I could get him out of my head! It would make things so much easier for us.
You, you just wait here a second, - OK? - OK.
Yeah.
I'm just thinking of your best interests here Kai, you know, the longer you're up the more protoblood you waste.
It makes sense for you to shut down for a while.
What if you need me to protect you? Well if we need you we'll wake you, OK? Nighty night.
Oh Amber, get ready for some real live man meat! Excellent.
Sleep tight, dead man.
Oh Amber, hope you're as ready as I am.
I mean, I'm talking extra hot.
I'm talking - extra spicy.
- Josh! We're set man.
That's great - can you come back later? So - I'm gonna go tell Amber she doesn't have to do what she doesn't wanna do with the captain.
That's great.
Bye Ryan.
What does Amber not have to do with the captain? Oh I don't know - I think it's something between her and Ryan.
Who cares? I do.
Hey Amber, you don't have to think about Kai - Amber? Amber! Hey, - you seen Amber? - No, why? Oh, no.
Forget it man - you're definitely not her type.
Listen kid - experience does count for something.
You just might learn that one day.
Amber! What about Kai? - Coll.
- Excellent.
So - you gonna kill him - or bonk him? Maybe both.
It's in a piece of manmade infrastructure, so the Lexx didn't absorb it like it does most other things.
Lucky I spotted it.
What is it? It's called a blackpak.
It's the solution to all your problems - and mine.
Careful.
Amber! Amber! Amber! Amber.
Amber.
Oh, there you are.
He looks like he's sleeping.
No, no, he's frozen actually.
Yeah, yeah, he kept going on about how his protoblood was running out and how he needed to go into cryostasis and then he just closed the lid on himself.
When will he wake up? Oh, could be months, maybe years even.
Yeah, but in the meantime why don't you and I retire to captain Stan's place for a little one on one? Yeah, OK.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Oh.
OK.
Haley has a lot of unresolved issues, and all you have to do is throw her a few scraps of affection and she's your slave, right? It doesn't even have to be real affection, because you can fake it easily, because she can't tell the difference.
But she's been useful, hasn't she? You really care about the planet, don't you Ryan? I do.
I care about the planet.
You just used me for my trust fund.
You needed my money to pay the Russians to launch the Comet capsule.
Good Haley - what's that thing in your hands? Amber.
Amber.
Amber.
You're strong.
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah yeah yeah.
Nice start.
Oh yes - Turn around.
- Turn around? OK.
OK.
Stanley likey! We're gonna have some fun.
Oh Amber, you make me feel good.
Amber? OK Haley, I'll come clean.
You know Josh and I can hack into anything? Well about a year ago we hacked into an ATF server - the Department of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms who really do control everything.
We got to learn about the Lexx, and how the Earth was going down the crapper.
So we thought it would be the best thing to get off the planet and onto the Lexx - and now here we are.
So all that stuff about getting the message out to the people was just a big lie.
Well - kind of a lie.
We're not exactly against that, but the Earth is a very sick planet, as you yourself always say, so we thought it would be the best idea to get off the planet and go somewhere else.
And look - we are off the planet.
Me, Amber, Josh - and you, Haley.
We're rescued.
We are the lucky ones.
I don't feel lucky.
I do.
That's nice.
Oh that feels - you make me feel soo good.
And this thing in my hand is called a blackpak.
What's that do? Let's find out.
I hope it hurts.
What was that? - What? - You tell me.
It sounded like a blackpak, only it couldn't have been.
Coming? Not likely.
I've just got to check out something.
But baby - my booster rocket is fuelled up and ready to launch like right now.
Well - you'll have to keep it in the upright launch position till I'm back.
- Where's Ryan? - Gohe.
Gone where? Gone away - forever.
You just said it would hurt him! I'm sure it did hurt him - but it also killed him.
How does it feel? Good.
That makes me happy.
- Where's Ryan? - Gone.
Gone where? Away - but he told me everything before he left.
What everything? Just - everything.
- You know.
- I don't know.
Haley is going to kill you, you conniving tramp.
Yeah, right.
If that's all you have to say I'm leaving here, tout suite.
That's right, you are leaving here, because like the robot head said you'll be dead - tout suite.
Haley - you've always been a few French fries short of a happy meal, but this is taking things a bit far.
No it isn't.
You guys used me and you deserve to die.
And she's going to kill you - just like she killed Ryan.
- You killed Ryan? - Yes I did - with this thing.
I don't believe you.
Believe me.
Even if you did, why would you want to kill me? All I've ever wanted to do was to broadcast to the people.
That's a lie.
You're a scheming bitch! Killing you will make me feel good, which is something I haven't felt much recently.
You can't be serious.
I am.
Deadly serious.
You don't care about Haley and you never did.
Haley was just a wallet to you.
I told Ryan and Josh we should have gotten rid of you the second we blasted off.
You know why they didn't? Because there was no way to get you out of the capsule and they didn't want your dead body to stink the place up! You are a scheming bitch.
And you're sick in the head.
Exactly.
Now pull the trigger.
Haley - I'm gonna take that thing away from you.
- No, you're not.
- Yes I am.
- Shoot! - Hailey, you've always been a good girl who's done what she's been told.
That's not gonna change now.
Haley's not a good girl anymore.
- Haley - - Amber - - Bitchslapped! - Amber - - Why didn't you shoot?! - I don't know.
What do I do now? You finish the job.
You're a serial killer now.
You have to get rid of the rest of the crew - all of them - especially Xev.
She's the most dangerous.
Stan is only the captain because he has the key to the Lexx inside him.
As soon as you kill him the key will fly out of his rotten flesh and go into you, and you will be captain of the Lexx and can rule the universe! Quick - pick me up and take the other exit.
We have to cut Stan off before he can get to Kai in the cryochamber.
Kai! Kai.
Kai.
I missed him! I can't tell you how disappointed I am.
Now pick me up and bring me over to Kai.
Don't we have to kill the others now? Yes we do.
But I just need a short time to admire my man.
- Haley blackpaked Amber.
- What?! Yeah, she's got 790 on her side, and now she's after all of us.
We gotta get outta here fast.
- Where's Kai? - Kai's in the cryochamber, he's frozen.
We can't go in there.
Haley's in there.
I was just in there and she tried to kill me.
- What's going on? - Haley's got a blackpak.
- Where'd she get it? - What's a blackpak? I don't know where she got it.
A blackpak is - it's a weapon from the Cluster, it kills people.
I didn't even know we had any.
- 790! - Yeah, he musta put her up to this.
I saw her kill Amber and she said she killed Ryan and now she's after all of us.
I shoulda dumped her in space.
Yes you should have - before sweet little always trying to please everyone Haley discovered something really important about herself.
- What's that, babe? - That it feels really good to kill jerks like you, Josh.
Cut the small talk Haley, pull the trigger! End their lives and then sink into a state of guilt and depression and end your own life.
I am not completely evil! I am madly in love with my man and I don't like having anyone else around to compete with - especially you.
So Haley, you easily manipulated and stupid cow - blast 'em! What do you mean, easily manipulated? You were manipulated by your rich father.
You were manipulated by your no-good boyfriend, and now you're being manipulated by a love-smitten robot head - but who cares about the details?! The only important thing is that you end the lives of Stan and Xev and the other flesh bag.
- They're getting away! - Stop! Haley will not be manipulated anymore.
Haley - you're a serial killer.
- Finish the job! - No! I thought you enjoyed killing the others.
I did.
So I will kill them - but only because I want to, not because you say so.
Fine by me.
Now shoot! Quick, the moth.
- We gotta fly.
- Fly where? I don't know.
Earth? Earth is a doomed planet, and it's probably out of moth range by now anyway.
Yeah, you're right.
We have to wake up Kai, it's our only choice.
No no, 790 probably expects that, - they'll be waiting for us.
- But they only have one blackpak, they can't track all of us, so we have to split up and go to the cryochamber from different directions.
She's right, that's our only choice He's got enhanced hearing, remember? I certainly do.
Stan, you go back this way.
I'll go the other way round past the shower, and you go the short way through the galley.
Do you still remember how to get to the cryochamber from here? Sure.
No challenge there.
Good.
Be careful.
I will.
No challenge is exactly right.
So who are you going to get rid of first? Myself.
No no no Haley, not yet.
Not yet? Save yourself for last.
What do you mean? I mean after everyone else is dead and you realise what a monster you've become, then you should blow yourself away - and leave me all alone with my corpse.
You're sick! Not as sick as you.
I am doing this for love.
You are doing it for enjoyment.
So get on with it! Easies easy.
They're in a moth! Quick - you have to shoot them down before they escape.
What are you doing, you're supposed to be on your way to the cryochamber! I'll come back - when you wake up the dead dude and take care of Haley.
In the meantime - good luck! You bring that moth back here right now.
Er - OK.
Right after Haley blasts you and I get the key.
How did he know about the key? That's all he's here for.
Hiya Josh.
Hiya Haley.
Josh doesn't care about the planet, or anything else - except himself! He used me.
Haley was stupid back then but she's not anymore.
Haley's gonna kill him! And then - she's gonna kill you.
Haley, wait.
Killing is like - like, wrong.
So is sleeping with people who are emotionally fucked up just to get their dad's money! Get your clock fixed, Haley! See, I can understand why you might want to kill him, - but why us? - Because she's flipped! And when you're dead she's going to turn the blackpak on herself and leave me all alone with my beloved stiff.
You really think I'm going to do that? I don't think it - I know it.
You're probably right.
Of course I'm right.
That's why I chose you.
I would not have given the blackpak to someone who might potentially have interfered with my one and only forever and ever relationship.
get out of this, - it's the end for you.
- Yeah? No trust fund, no boyfriend, no hope, Haley.
Do us all a favour and finish yourself off.
Back off.
Back off! Oh, what a silly girl.
Kai - good timing, sort of.
What are you doing up? I did not believe your argument Stanley, so I programmed the cryopod control unit to wake me up after a short time - but I see you do not need my help.
Not now.
She might have been a mixed up girl, responsible for what happened.
I think we ought to reset you.
No.
I am perfectly content being in love with Kai.
We can reset him, but he is wired for love.
As soon as we turn him on again he will become hopelessly infatuated with the first person he sees, and exhibit exactly the same obsessive and antisocial behaviour.
I am hopelessly infatuated with Kai and I want to stay that way! We could make him fall in love with you Stan.
No thanks! I vomit at the thought.
We could destroy him you know.
You could do that with your brace, - couldn't you Kai? - Yes.
Sometimes we do really need him.
He deserves the scrap heap.
I agree.
But he's restrained in place, so we're safe for now, hmm? I am safe for now.
But please put me in the cryochamber so I can admire the dead one.
Oh no, 790 - you have to suffer at least a little, probably a lot for what you did.
Kai - bring me with you.
My programmes are crashing.
My circuits are sizzling.
I am suffering damage beyond repair.
Kai, please! Don't leave me! Mikl, Bars (beta-reader) (ñèíõðîíèçàöèÿ è êîððåêòèðîâêà)