NewsRadio (1995) s04e19 Episode Script

Hey, Dave, what do you say we get some-- I don't know-- young kid, fresh out of college to work at the station for no money.
Uh, so you're thinking about hiring an intern.
Well, you know, I was sort of hoping we could call him a "Rockin' Ranger of the Junior Jimmy Brigade," but I guess "intern's" got a ring to it too.
This wouldn't happen to be one of your weird nephews, would it? No.
No.
You sure? Yes.
Well, it's one of my normal nephews.
Oh.
No, I swear, Dave, the kid's so normal, he makes Richie Cunningham look like a crack-smoking porn freak.
I'm sorry.
I just don't feel comfortable hiring him just because he's your nephew.
Well, you think I like it? No, hell, no.
But I got crazy, mad money and a "buttload" of nephews.
I mean, my hands are tied here, Dave.
You should be just grateful that he's the normal one.
[ Sighs .]
All right.
Well, we'll give him a shot.
- That's all we ask for.
- All right.
When can he come in? Oh, I don't know.
Now, I guess.
Get in here, Walt.
Hi, Walt.
I'm Dave.
Mr.
Nelson, I just want to tell you it is an honor and a privilege to have this opportunity from you.
Thanks, but you-- Whoa, whoa.
Hang on.
There's more.
Walt, go ahead.
That's all I have.
No, no.
The rest is on the back of the card.
Turn it over.
"With your help, I hope to do honor to my new title as one of the Rockin' Rangers of the Junior Jimmy Brigade.
" I really appreciate this opportunity.
You really should, Walt, because there are probably a lot of other people who deserve this chance more than you do, but, uh, you do have a certain, well, genetic advantage.
Hey, I can't help it I look this good.
No, no.
That wasn't what I-- What I meant was that, you know, Mr.
James is your uncle.
Right.
What does that have to do with anything? You wanted to see me, chief? Yes, Bill, I'd like you to meet Walt.
He's a new intern here.
He's gonna be following you around-- Mr.
McNeal, I want to tell you that it is an honor and a privilege-- You know, Walt, you really don't have to do this every time.
Uncle Jimmy told me that I had to.
"Uncle Jimmy"? So now we're putting Jimmy's boy toys on the payroll? Bill, Mr.
James does not have boy toys, all right? He is actually Mr.
James' nephew, all right? Oh, because I thought-- I really don't care what you thought.
Just do me a favor and just show Walt the ropes, okay? Okay, Walt.
Come with me, my lad.
A world of enchantment awaits.
Where we going first? A little place I like to call "Crap House Central.
" Come on.
Can I, uh, talk to you for a second? Matthew-- It's very important.
If your feelings are hurt about not being asked to be one of Jimmy's Junior Rangers, just shake it off.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's not that because, uh-- Well, between me and you, I'm Rockin' Ranger number 1357-A.
Well, good for you.
Yeah.
- Charter member.
- Congratulations.
Thank you.
What do you want? Well, uh-- Uh-huh? You know Lisa? Who works in the office? Yeah.
- Yeah.
- The one with brown hair.
Yeah.
And her desk kind of faces mine? - Yes, I know who Lisa is.
- Not Lisa from across the street.
I'm talking-- The one that you used to go out with-- Lisa Milner.
Well, it's Lisa "Miller.
" And yes, I know her.
What about her? Well-- I kind of have a thing for her.
[ Laughs .]
- [ Chuckling .]
- I know.
I know.
Who would have thought, right? No-- Who-- Who indeed? Who would have thought indeed? I know.
I know.
- Oh, wait.
You're serious, aren't you? - Yeah, yeah.
I know.
It-- I know, I know.
It's-- How long's-- How long has this been going on? Longer than I care to admit, thank you very much.
Oh.
Oh.
It was out of a courtesy to you that I never acted on it, Dave.
Hmm.
Well, Matthew-- I mean this sincerely.
Thank you.
It's no big thing, bud, but, uh, I was wondering if it would be cool with you if-if, uh, I asked her out on a date.
Yeah, that would be cool with me.
You have my blessings.
But if I could give you a little bit of advice-- Oh, tut, tut, Dave.
Tut, tut.
You already lost the little lady once.
Let's not pretend that you know the ways of her heart.
[ Clears Throat .]
Hey.
Yo.
Hey.
Lisa.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hey.
Can I ask you a quick question there? Shoot.
Yeah.
Okay.
Uh, and listen, if the answer's no, it's just-- I'm fine with that.
No pressure here.
Okay.
Go ahead.
Okay.
Here goes the question.
Okay.
Can I have a drumroll, please? [ Imitating Drumroll .]
[ Imitating Cymbal Crash .]
Was that the question? No, no, no.
[ Clears Throat .]
Okay, here goes the question.
I'm drawing a blank.
Leave me alone.
Leave me-- Here's the rough draft of Bill's editorial.
Walt.
Yeah? What happened to you? It's no big.
Bill just spilled some coffee on me.
Oh.
It looks like he spilled a whole pot.
Oh, no, no.
It was actually only a half a pot.
- It's my fault anyway.
- Now how could it possibly be your fault? I don't know.
That's what Bill told me.
It's just a little harmless hazing.
What's the big deal? And as far as hazing goes, pouring a pot of coffee and hot sauce on guy's head is relatively mild.
You put hot sauce in there too? No.
Bill, this is not a frat house, all right? We do not haze the interns.
Oh, come on.
All the top companies are hazing new employees nowadays.
- Bill, that's a lie.
- Read the papers.
Corporate America is finally catching on to what fraternities and biker gangs have known for years-- Hazing works.
No, it does not.
It is just bullying, plain and simple.
No, it's not.
It's an ancient ceremonial way of saying, "Welcome aboard.
"Close your eyes.
Oops! Here's a towel.
Now clean yourself up and shine my shoes.
" [ Groans .]
This is nothing but a boys' club.
What's that supposed to mean? I was just trying to think of a reason to storm out of here, and that's the best I could do.
I understand.
Thank you.
[ Chuckling .]
I remember one time in college we got this pledge drunk, locked him in the trunk of a car, abandoned the car in a junkyard.
[ Chuckling .]
Hmm.
- And then? - What? How'd he get out of the car? You know what? I gotta make a phone call.
No, that can wait.
All right, Bill.
What-What is your real problem with Walt anyway? Huh? Isn't it obvious, Dave? The problem is, the kid is so damn beautiful.
Pardon? He's gorgeous-- excruciatingly so.
How do you think that makes me feel? Confused? Dave, for seven years now, I've been the resident hunk in this office-- the alpha male, as it were.
And now, along comes this kid with his sun-dappled hair and cheek bones you could slice cheese on.
Well, I'm sorry.
I had no idea what you were going through.
Of course you didn't.
No.
But if it's any consolation to you, I still think you're the most beautiful man in the office.
Thanks, Cochise.
[ Sighs .]
Matthew's gonna ask you out.
No, he isn't.
Yes, he is.
[ Laughing .]
Why? Apparently, he's deeply in love with you.
What? I know.
I don't understand it either myself.
Well, what am I gonna say to him? I don't know, but you gotta let him down easy.
He's a freak.
All right.
Well, I have to go talk to him.
Actually, you can't do that.
I promised him I wouldn't tell anybody.
- Well, why'd he tell you? - He didn't tell me.
He told Dave, who told me.
You know what? Just don't do anything till he brings it up.
Okay.
[ Both Giggling .]
It's actually kind of sweet.
How sweet? Not that sweet.
Oh! Lisa.
Hey, Matthew.
Hey.
Leave me alone.
Hey, Lisa.
Hi.
How's my, uh-- How's my little Walty doin'? I'm sure he's doing fine, sir.
Oh, well, good.
You know, of all my nephews, he's the one I really feel the strongest bond with.
You know, I'm just so damn proud of him.
Well, that's nice.
Yeah.
Lisa? Yeah? Here's the photocopies from Beth.
- Walt? - Yeah? Why are you wearing makeup? Oh, Beth was thinking about bleaching her hair, and she just wanted to see if her makeup would still look good, so-- What is your problem with Walt, huh? Isn't it obvious, Dave? I have worked here for five years making next to nothing, and this guy waltzes in-- - He makes nothing.
- You see? Already he almost makes as much as I do.
No, you make next to nothing.
He makes nothing.
He doesn't get paid.
- Oh.
Well, why does he want this job? - Just to learn.
Learn? Learn what? I don't know.
Maybe he wants to learn all the things that you have learned in your five years here.
[ Laughing .]
[ Sighs .]
Oh, I'm sorry! You know, Beth, with an attitude like that, you're not gonna go far in this world.
[ Whines, Cries .]
I-I'm sorry.
[ Door Closes .]
Hey, uh, getting yourself some coffee there, huh? Yeah.
You caught me.
Wow.
Look at all that coffee.
Yeah.
Uh, listen, Matthew.
It-- I like coffee too.
A lot of people don't know that about me, but it's true.
True, true, true.
I didn't know you drank coffee.
I don't.
I like to be around it.
[ Chuckles .]
Don't know why.
I think I understand that.
I mean, I love the smell of coffee.
I don't like the smell.
Oh.
Actually, I'm not quite sure-- Matthew, would you like to take me to dinner tonight? Okay.
Uh, no.
I wasn't asking you.
I was showing you how to ask me.
Oh.
Oh.
Well, uh, what if-- what if-- I do stress the word "if"-- I were to ask you out? What would you say? Um, no.
Oh.
But it's not a flat no.
I mean, it's not.
I have a lot of reasons.
I want to explain them to you.
Well, I'm all ears.
Um, I can't do it right now, 'cause I have a lot of work to do.
How about after work then? Sure.
Oh, good.
Okay.
I'll pick you up at 8:00.
Dress smart, be punctual, and you will not be disappointed.
Bill.
Yo.
- What's all over your face? - Makeup.
Why? Hey, if the new hunk's gonna pull out the big guns, I'm at least gonna give him a run for his money.
[ Dave .]
Hey, Walt, why don't you just tag along with me for the rest of the day, huh? - Really? - Yeah.
I mean, that would be an honor.
Oh, well, thanks, Walt.
You know, it's not gonna be a free ride.
I'm gonna be hard on you.
Not to the extent of pouring a pot of coffee with hot sauce on your head.
- There was hot sauce in there? - No.
Oh.
I can handle anything that you throw at me.
It's like the one time you said, "No truly great radio journalist has ever had anything handed to him on a silver platter.
" Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
When-- When did I say that? Uh, it was Contemporary Radio magazine, April 16, 1993.
Well, how-- how would you know that? Dave, I like to be prepared.
Actually reminds me of the time that you said in the Madison Gazette, "Nine-tenths of good radio is preparation.
The other part is just making sure that you don't burp into the microphone.
" [ Laughs .]
Oh, I remember that.
[ Cups Clink .]
I love that joke.
Where-- Where the hell did you get all these press clippings? Dave, I've been following your career for years.
No.
You remember the National Junior High Student Council Convention, back in 1991? Um, yeah.
I think I was a guest speaker there.
You weren't-- You weren't there? Front and center.
No.
I was 15.
Dave, your speech changed my life.
Wow.
Uh, thank you.
No, Dave.
Thank you.
Come on.
Boy, this is, uh-- this is just like the movies, isn't it? Yeah.
You look very "Casablanca-esque.
" Oh.
See, I was going for more of a Bugsy Malone look.
Hey, you sure you won't reconsider the wrist corsage? Oh, uh, no.
It's not really my style.
Oh, yeah, okay.
Yeah.
No biggie.
Flowers are but a trifle.
'Cause you know what? I wanna give you something really special, if you know what I mean.
No.
I don't.
Oh, I think you do.
Oh, no.
I-I really-- I don't know.
What is it? Ohh! Okay, you asked for it.
[ Whistles .]
It's you.
See? Oh, yeah.
It's-- Feel like I'm looking at a mirror.
Well, you can keep it.
It's all yours.
Oh, well, thank you.
Thank you, but I can't.
Why? Why not? Because it's ice.
Uh, Matthew, can I please say what I came here to say? Yeah.
What? You are one of the sweetest people I have ever met in my life.
Thank you.
Which, I think, is what makes this so difficult.
Because, as much as I value that sweetness, and as much as I value you as a friend, I-I just don't think that we could work out romantically.
Wonder what this thing's made out of, huh? Frozen water.
Matthew.
Matthew.
What? Did you hear what I said? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I hear-- I heard you.
I just-- [ Groans .]
I feel so stupid.
No.
Don't feel stupid.
Don't.
Well, I do.
No.
No, I always feel stupid.
Well, yeah.
I mean-- I can't really help you with that.
I know.
I just-- I don't want to mess up our friendship.
Yeah, you're right.
You're right.
'Cause what are we? Good friends.
Yeah.
Two good friends took one crazy shot at romance.
Yeah, but it just wasn't meant to be.
Yeah.
It wasn't meant to be.
So one of the friends took the other one's heart out, pulverized it flat with a meat tenderizer, and then sat on it and cut one.
What? Nothing.
I'll be all right.
Thanks, Dave.
Appreciate it.
Thanks for giving the kid a shot, but I'll have him out of your hair by tomorrow.
Where's he going? I set him up with an entry-level position in one of my chemical plants.
But, sir, Walt has radio in his blood.
Radio, bauxite, smelting-- It's all the same really.
Well, what if I were to offer him a permanent position here? Seriously? Seriously.
I think he's got a lot of potential.
Thank you.
I mean, Walt really needs a good role model.
I can't think of anyone better than you.
Well, except for yourself.
I'd be a good role model for another crazy billionaire, maybe, but not a kid his age.
Dave, I don't know whether you've noticed, but most of the stuff I do is weirder than hell.
That's a very good point, sir.
Yeah.
Oh, hey! Huh? Walt? Good-- Good news.
What's the matter? Nothin'.
Girl problems.
Oh! Well, come on.
Tell old Unca Jeemy all about it.
Sorry? Oh.
He said, "Tell old Uncle Jimmy all about it.
" Oh, uh, see, I-- I really like this girl.
I'm just not sure if she-- if she likes me.
Oh.
Have you thought about maybe sending her some white roses? - Roses? - Yeah, send like a dozen white roses.
It shows that you're interested, but it's not, you know, presuming too much.
Then you just gauge her response.
See if it's safe to proceed.
Yeah, or you can try my approach, which is go ahead and tell her, "I'm a lonely man, afraid to die childless.
" [ Laughing .]
But I'm just a crazy, old billionaire.
Pay no attention to old Unca Jeemy.
"Pay no attention to old Uncle Jimmy.
" Unca Jeemy.
So are you sure you're okay? Yeah.
I'm sorry.
[ Clears Throat .]
[ Ballroom Jazz .]
Sorry about that "meat tenderizer" stuff.
I get grouchy when I'm hungry.
Well, you know, for what it's worth, this has been one of the most unique dates I have ever been on.
Thanks.
Lisa? Uh, I know we're just good friends and all, but-- Oh, never mind.
What? No, what is it? No.
Well, I was gonna-- I was gonna ask you if you wouldn't mind if-- Matthew.
[ Spits .]
That's sweet, but actually I was gonna ask you if you wouldn't mind dancing with me.
Sure, let's.
Okay, good.
Will the lady do me the honor? Thank you.
Maestro? Yeah, if you please.
[ Snaps Fingers .]
[ Techno .]
Come on.
Here we go.
Let's just get this out of the way.
You are one magnificent hunk of man meat.
I can say that, right? Uh, sure.
Sure, I guess.
Oh, yeah, your looks are good.
But you know what? They're not rugged good looks.
That comes with time.
You're still soft and downy, like a summer peach.
Thanks, Bill.
Now, don't worry, Walt.
You may be blessed with rugged good looks when you're Thanks.
Well, you know, I don't really think I've ever seen you dance normal.
I know, but it was like I put myself in the mind of a robot.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, no.
[ Clicks Tongue .]
I thought I was clear with Matthew.
Did you tell him to send the white roses? Walt, can I talk to you in my office for a second? Matthew, this is very sweet-- I didn't get those for you.
Oh.
Wow.
They're beautiful.
Beautiful flowers for a beautiful lady.
[ Dave .]
Walt! Office, now!