Sabrina The Teenage Witch s04e19 Episode Script

Done yet? Done yet? Your books are an unmitigated disaster.
- I haven't even begun.
- No hurry.
Take your time.
I was up planning the senior sleigh ride and now I can't find my backpack.
It's right here where you left it 12 hours ago, which begs the question, did you do any homework? Did I mention I managed to book an entire team of Clydesdales and mull cider? Sabrina, you know homework comes first.
Unless it's something icky like bookkeeping.
Come on, I'm 18.
I can vote in two realms.
I can be in charge of organising my own schedule.
I'm sorry, but if you live under our roof, you live under our rules.
Oh, Lord, I've swallowed Mother.
Fine.
Your stupid roof, your stupid rules.
Oh, the frigid wind of teen rebellion.
Oh, look, the blimp.
Everyone's talking about how cool the sleigh ride's gonna be.
Oh, it's great, but did anyone offer to do my calculus homework? You know, sugar-induced comas aren't all they're cracked up to be.
Last night, coach made a new rule.
Only three sodas a week, I reached my quota before he finished talking.
I'm sure it was the carbonation he objected to.
There you are.
I was getting worried.
- Do you have the article? - Almost.
I just have to write it down.
But the deadline is 9 tonight.
If you're not ready, I can always run that profile of our AFS student, Grindl.
No, I have a great headline story.
I'll get it to you by press time.
Well, going against everything that I stand for in gut.
Okay.
I'm working today at the coffeehouse.
I'll have all the time to finish it.
Just my luck.
Everyone in Westbridge must've read the news item: Caffeine makes you live longer.
I either bury this sweater or learn how to knit.
Bury.
What's this? Sparkly, warm.
Mother of mercy, it's a flake of magic.
One small French Roast, 75 cents.
What are you doing? You can't just give stuff away.
Oh, he paid for the coffee, I just gave him some free foam.
We've got lots.
Surprisingly, businesses are very touchy about giving stuff away for free.
You could get suspended.
Okay, I really don't do it that often.
No, that's okay.
I'm gonna wait for her.
Salem, there is not a vein of magic running under the house.
It's probably just some leftover magic dust from centuries of spells.
She's right.
Every spring cleaning, I'm covered with enough sparkle to skate with Oksana Baiul.
But go ahead and use your little spark.
Stand back.
I found magic through a legal route Help me get the rest of the loot Jedediah Orenstein, magic prospector at your service.
SALEM: Yahoo! Let's go dig for magic.
I would have bet money that he would have conjured up a snow-cone machine.
We're screening The Godfather here tonight.
You coming? [IN GODFATHER VOICE.]
Oh, that is an offer I can't refuse.
Oh, I didn't know you could do Cary Grant.
It starts at 9.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Oh, but my curfew's at 10.
Oh, man, a curfew.
That's cute.
Hey, you know, it's a part of my deal with my parole officer.
Please, just extend it to 11:30? - You blew the roof off this morning.
- It was a joke.
And we already extended your curfew for the sleigh ride.
Fine.
I'll just watch enough of The Godfather to think it's a feel-good movie.
I know it was a long, long time ago, but were we rebellious teens? No way.
We were too busy gathering posies to ward off the plague.
You're gonna write your article and do your homework during the movie? Yeah, how distracting can a Mafia family be? [GUNFIRE & TYRES SCREECHING.]
Nothing but dirt.
You gotta have patience.
I remember back in the magic rush of 1414, it took weeks before I struck it rich.
What happened to all your magic? Typical story.
Racehorses, showgirls, mahjongg.
Salem, I think we struck.
SALEM: Ugh! Argh! A sewage line.
[SOBS.]
I should have gotten a snow-cone machine.
Finally, I have brought order to the chaos of Hilda's clock shop.
Found these under my bed.
Oh, great.
More receipts.
And a sock.
Coach was right.
I've never felt more alive since I switched to water.
I haven't even finished a paragraph.
We've been here for two hours.
Maybe some water would help.
Two hours? It's after 10.
- I'm dead.
- You're dead.
Get home now.
No more excuses.
But Besides breaking curfew, there's another little matter.
QUICK [ON MACHINE.]
: Hello, this is Mrs.
Quick.
I have a message for Sabrina.
[IN ANGRY TONE.]
Where the blue blazes is your article? [IN NICE TONE.]
Sorry to disturb you at home.
Well, I have one thing to say about Mrs.
Quick: I'm guessing you haven't done your homework.
No, I was going to right after I got home.
I mean, right after I typed up my article.
Sabrina, Hilda is right.
You're dead.
You are grounded for a week.
- But - That means no sleigh ride.
No sleigh ride.
Really? Oh, come on.
I'm just hurting myself here.
Oh, I'm really starting to hate rules.
No sleigh ride? Do you really think I like being the disciplinarian? - Kind of.
- Well, for your information, I would much rather be out singing and dancing.
With William Bennett and George Will.
Can't believe you can't go on the sleigh ride.
I was up half the night.
I was so excited.
No, because you were amped up on sugar.
You'd better be careful, if that stuff wears off, you could crash.
Well, thank you very much.
And the Grindl story came with photos.
Mrs.
Quick, wait Loitering and littering.
I swear, this claim is drier than Macon County on a Sunday morning.
Just keep digging, sourdough breath.
You know, I'm getting plumb tired of taking orders from a talking gerbil who's got more fleas than brains.
Says the yokel who hasn't bathed since the McKinley administration.
- Why, you little - You're going down-- Ah! [RUMBLING.]
More sewage.
- It's magic.
- We're rich.
- We've struck magic.
- We're rich.
JEDEDIAH: I'll get you.
Can't go on the sleigh ride, I'm grounded for a week, I screwed up the paper, and my teacher is mad at me.
Excuse me, this is a little bland.
- Could I get an extra shot of vanilla? - Oh, yeah, sure.
Anyway, on the positive side, at least things can't get any worse.
Sabrina, you cannot give away free syrup.
I can't believe I have to say this, but you're suspended.
Take my advice.
Never ever, ever say things can't get worse.
Why, you look gloomier than a one-legged dog at a tap-dance recital.
Well, thanks to everyone's rules, I'm stuck in my room, I've lost my job, and I'm being compared to a crippled canine.
I wanna be in charge of my own life.
Well, it sounds like you need to go to a place where you get to make the rules.
But I'm too old for Chuck E.
Cheese and I can't afford my own island.
I know a good place for you to go.
I'm almost positive this isn't my room.
So this is the old coot's idea of an ideal vacation.
I guess he couldn't book me at Club Med Rwanda.
See how they like it when they don't have somebody to enforce the law.
- I swear, the first person I run into-- - Aunt Zelda? Congratulations.
- You're the new sheriff.
- Ow! I'm sick of being the boss.
It's up to you now.
Good luck.
With what? The job or cauterising the wound? Now I can do what I've always wanted to do.
Rise to the highest position a woman can rise to.
Dance-hall girl.
Call me Frenchy.
Aunt Frenchy? Howdy, partners.
It's okay, everyone.
Go back to your bridge games.
- Just the sheriff.
- Aunt Hilda? Miss Hildie.
I own the place.
Welcome to the Wild West.
It looks more like the Sedate West.
Well, we try to live by a few simple guidelines.
Wow, that's a lot of rules.
No water before 10 a.
m.
? We only have one bathroom.
Excuse me, who coughed without covering their mouth? Who broke number 52? Wait.
You think that no-water rule is tough? You should see number 143.
No sarsaparilla, ever.
And yet there's no rule against silly hats? I'm Deputy Fizz.
If there's anything you need for me to do, just Oh, it's my turn for the bathroom.
Can someone please explain to me what's going on here? Quickdraw's the name, editing is my game.
I know everything there is to know about this town.
Thanks.
You've been a big help.
All you need to know is, it's your job to enforce the rules.
And you make all the rules.
Oh, well, in that case Hey, no standing on chairs.
- Josh? - Don't know him.
- You could check the bathroom.
- Never mind.
As sheriff, I'm adding a new rule to the list.
Of course you are.
Ten seconds, and the power goes straight to their head.
The new rule is, there are no rules.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
How about a song, Frenchy? [SINGING.]
Camp town ladies Sing this song Doodah, doodah And sarsaparillas are on the house.
Sheriff, I think I love you.
I think I'm gonna like this place.
Three cheers for the new sheriff.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
I love this town and I love all you people.
Trouble's coming.
Trouble's coming.
- What? - The Petulant Kid.
[CROWD GASP.]
On the next train.
It's due in one hour.
I guess that's what happens when they cut local taxes.
Well, who is this Petulant Kid? Why do you keep doing that when I say Petulant Kid? - Knock it off.
- Hey, the sheriff will handle this.
Anybody wanna go play with matches? CROWD: Yeah.
- Wait, wait, what's going on? - Forget it.
My days of spitting out information on demand are over.
This is your problem now.
Dibs on the lighter fluid.
Problem? Why is everyone so worried about this kid? CAT: Oh, boy.
Thanks.
Wait a minute.
Billy the Kid.
The Sundance Kid.
Hopefully, I'm just jumping to conclusions.
I'll check the wanted posters in the sheriff's office.
MAN: Excuse me, miss? Do you know how many years I have left on my sentence? Mr.
Kraft? - No, they call me Sweet Will.
- Let me guess.
You run the local schoolhouse and you're locked up for torturing high schoolers.
Oh, no, I blocked an alley with my chuck waggon.
- And? - And got caught.
You know, I finally get awful Mr.
Kraft behind bars and he turns out to be the nicest guy in town.
So everyone says.
Well, blocking an alley with a chuck waggon is up there with giving an extra shot of vanilla.
Yes.
Oh, may your life be filled with happiness.
Oh, maybe they should call you Saccharine Will.
Hey, by any chance, do you know anything about the Petulant--? Okay, that is getting really annoying.
CAT: Lock me up, please.
I'm terrified of the Petulant Kid.
Tell me about this kid or you're a tennis racket.
Five, four-- The biggest, orneriest, no-goodnik this side of the Rio Grande.
The Petulant Kid's goal is to destroy authority, and since you're the authority, well, you can do the math.
But I don't wanna be the authority.
Wait a minute.
There is only one of him and dozens of us.
I'll just get everyone to help.
So I say, one for all and all for one.
Are you with me? No way.
[SINGING.]
As he was walking Down the street Down the street, down the street The pretty little maiden He chanced to meet [TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING.]
- Is that the train? - No.
That's the whistle that tells us the train will be here in 15 minutes.
Well, I guess there's only one thing left to do.
Beg.
Please? Sorry, I would like to help you, but my feet are killing me from all that dancing.
Oh, why did we get rid of that no-cancanning rule? Find another sucker.
Since poker-playing became legal again, I lost my saloon.
And I am not leaving this table until I win it back.
Now, the cards with the people on them are the good ones, right? Sorry, I can't help you.
My shoulder's sore from shooting all those sarsaparillas down the bar.
Only got one good shoulder left.
I understand.
Of course I'll help you, sheriff.
It's my duty.
After all those sugary sodas, I got lots of energy.
Finally.
Thanks.
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING.]
Train's here.
The Petulant Kid.
Okay.
What am I gonna do? In the face of danger, I'll just stand up and run.
Giddyup.
Trot.
Amble.
Any forward motion would be fine.
Just you wait.
There's a thing coming called the internal combustion engine.
Oh, boy.
Look out, sheriff.
It's the Petulant Kid.
Okay, people, now is when you dive for cover.
Hey, I hear you're the new authority in town.
Okay, I get it.
I'm the Petulant Kid.
How ironic.
Oh, I'm my own worst enemy.
Can I go home now? On the count of three, we draw.
Uh-oh.
Not armed.
Duel's off.
- Sheriff, catch.
- Oh, now you decide to be useful.
Oh, a weapon with bad cuticles.
- Dance.
- Me? No, thanks.
Maybe later.
Or now's good.
This is gonna be fun.
On the count of three.
One, two Three.
I love when they run.
Makes it sporting.
The Petulant Kid is after me.
Where can I hide? Don't worry.
I know exactly what to say to the kid.
Take her, take her.
Spare me.
Oh, you manage to annoy me in every genre.
Well, that worked out very nicely.
Perfect.
An escape.
I don't believe this.
There should be a law against blocking this alley with a chuck waggon.
This is kind of awkward.
Any last words? Yeah, I have a couple.
The world needs rules to provide order to protect us from ourselves, or life would be like a lawless, chaotic frontier town.
- Done? - Yeah.
- I was hoping that would end the spell.
- Wrong.
Dad-blast it.
I'm out of ammo.
Really? Well, I'm gonna count to three.
That's not her horse, but I'll let it go.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Well, this is no longer a lawless town.
As sheriff, I am reinstating all the rules.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Hey, hey, hey, no spontaneity without written permission.
Okay, maybe not all the rules.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
And you were there, and you were there, and you Where the heck were you? You I could have used.
Sabrina, having you confront your petulant self was our idea.
But we got Jedediah to help us.
He's very good at this particular spell.
Here.
"Prospector, teen rebellion squelcher, mohel"? You gotta diversify.
Well, I certainly learned my lesson.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go back to the coffeehouse and try to grovel for my job.
If you don't get it, come home, you're still grounded.
I can't wait for college.
Once again, you have blurred the line between civility and a police state.
Very funny.
Hi, could you scratch my back? Zelda! Okay, Jed, now that we've mined all the magic, let's divvy it up.
About that, it's gone.
Gone, as in you're a dead man? Well, I used all of it on that big old spell for Sabrina.
Sabrina? My magic went to Sabrina? Well, that's fair.
I mean, I've already got magic.
No, that's Sabrina.
But I'm a biped.
No, that's Sabrina.
But I can drive.
No, I've done it again.
That's Sabrina.
I know what will make you feel better.
I don't need your pity or your-- Cherry? My favourite.