The Conners (2018) s04e19 Episode Script

1 "The Conners" is once again shot in front of a live studio audience.
- Shh.
- My clothes are all wrinkled.
My hair is messed up.
Does it look like I just had sex in the car? Eh, nobody will be able to tell the difference.
Uh, excuse me? Because you always look carefree and windblown.
I just gave you pleasure for two minutes.
Remember that.
I am so excited to tell my family that we're getting married.
They are gonna be blown away.
They don't even know that we're back together.
Yeah.
Well, Becky's the only one who even suspected anything.
Oh, now I don't want to tell them 'cause I don't want her to be right.
Well, we have to tell them.
We won't get our presents unless we do.
You're looking forward to presents from my family? What is it that you still need from the dollar store? Youse guys are late.
We've already had the soup course and discussed the latest fashions from Paris, so park it.
Well, I know that we're late, but it doesn't matter because there's big n Okay, uh, now that we're all here, I have something important to say.
Oh, my God! Neville's gonna propose! Oh, my God! - Jackie.
- Oh, there's a ring! He got a ring! Give me the ring! Can I do some of this, please? Uh, Jackie Yes, I'll marry you! I can't believe my baby brother's getting married.
I'm so happy for you guys.
- Oh! - Oh.
We're gonna be sisters! Well, you know, sisters-in-law.
Let's just keep that barrier for safety.
Dibs on flower girl for Beverly Rose.
And she's dressing herself these days, so get ready for Baby Yoda in a tutu coming down the aisle.
How about we buy her a dress? Yeah, but she can still wear the Baby Yoda head 'cause it'll be funny.
- Oh, you so deserve this, Aunt Jackie.
- Oh, thank you.
That was so sweet and romantic.
Well, if you think that is romantic Harris, will you marry me? Are you serious? Neville just made the biggest commitment a man can make.
I want to make that commitment to you.
Will you take me? For better or worse, till death do a spark? "Do a spark"? No, it's it's "do us part.
" It's "till death do us part.
" Holy crap, that is so extreme! I love that.
Will you marry me until the Grim Reaper nails one of us? - Yes! - Yes! Now? Definitely not.
Uh, okay, i-it seems that we've gotten into some kind of marriage mass hysteria here.
Let's just slow down and talk about this.
I mean, what's there to talk about? Oh, my God, we're having two weddings! Or we can do a double wedding.
Oh! I mean, that would be so romantic.
And totally cheaper.
If it's cool with you guys, of course.
I mean, I'm okay with it if Jackie is.
Well, sure, if you're okay being the second most radiant bride there.
Sure, as long as you're paying.
- Well! - Wait, you guys are paying? That is so cool! Thank you, Uncle Neville! Thank you, Aunt Jackie.
- Wow! - Of course, the more the merrier.
Oh, and that remin We have to make this really quick because I do not want my mom getting wind of this and showing up.
I mean, I think we could get this together in two weeks.
Oh, fantastic.
I can't wait to invite some of my favorite patients from the clinic.
And I'll let them bring their humans, too.
Wait, wait.
Have you ever saved any cool animals, like tigers? I'd love to have a tiger at my wedding.
Well, I did a gastric bypass on an obese feral cat.
That is so cool! But I do need a tiger 'cause when I deejay at the wedding, my cape is gonna be orange and black.
Since we're off the rails, you know the only thing that's better than a double wedding? A triple wedding! - Yeah! - No.
You guys know that - you really love each other.
- Oh, my God.
It takes three rings to make a circus.
No, no, no, no! I-I just wish that Ben and I were still a couple - That's right.
- so that we could participate in this Burning Man of love you're throwing together here.
But unfortunately, we are no longer in love and the last thing I want to do is marry this man.
- Right, Ben? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Can't stand you, wouldn't have you, can't imagine a worse way to spend a day of my life.
Oh.
Oh, there's a worse way.
And we'll all be there to see it.
And then when the tiger drags off one of the guests, we'll watch it again on the news.
04x19 - Three Ring Circus Aldo, I'll call, and we'll set up a night to decide on the wedding plans.
- Yes, that sounds great.
- Great.
Hey, babe, we got to stop and pick up the kids on the way home.
Dropped them off at a birthday party.
Oh, they're finally making some friends at school? Nah.
We saw some balloons tied to a mailbox, so I stopped and let them loose.
Hey, the boys texted.
They've got some presents, and they're on the run.
We gotta go.
Well, now the family knows what to get you for a wedding present.
A brain! You made it easier for Harris to marry Aldo.
We don't want that.
In Neville's defense, he has very low self-esteem.
He'll do anything to get people to like him.
Darlene, aren't you upset about Harris? Yeah, of course I am.
She's way too young, he's not the right guy, but I've tried to break them up twice, and it nearly destroyed my relationship with her.
Maybe you stop her from ruining her life and worry about the relationship later.
This is what she wants, Dad, and she's 20, so it's going to happen.
And besides, I'd rather have my daughter talking to me if she makes a mistake than not talking to me.
All right, let's just go clean up.
Okay.
I know why you can't tell Harris not to marry Aldo.
She has no respect for you and you screwed up her whole childhood.
Let me try.
I-I'm sorry if I caused a problem, but the wedding is still going to be fantastic.
And now I have to go take a sock out of a Labradoodle.
If I come along, can I put it on Instagram? I'll blur out the dog's face.
Uh, maybe we should both talk to her.
Becky, you could tell her that you went, you know, off the rails and got married at 17.
And then I can tell her that I waited a reasonable amount of time, found the right man, and I'm happy.
Or maybe something where you don't trampoline off my misery to be a hero.
Aldo just texted me.
He and Harris got engaged.
Man, you're late for dinner, and all hell breaks loose.
What do you got to eat? He's your kid, Jesse.
If you're really against this, you got to take it to him.
So all of a sudden, my son is my responsibility.
Hey, if I ruled the world, once the kids hit 18, I'd burn my fingerprints off and live on a beach in Mexico.
Not gonna work, Dan.
I'm not allowed in Mexico anymore.
When you fill a water balloon with alcohol, you cannot throw it into a fire pit, especially not at a quinceañera.
Uh, meanwhile, back on Earth We need to take Harris out to "celebrate" her engagement and try to talk her out of this.
Yeah, and I'll work on Aldo.
I've got a plan, but I'm gonna need a lot of beer.
Uh, half a chicken.
And the other half of the chicken.
Jesse, how come your plans always involve my beer? Well, wait a minute now.
You're accusing me of stealing your beer, but you're not accusing me of stealing your chicken? That's interesting.
All right, everybody is finally asleep.
Man, we dodged a bullet at dinner.
- We got to be super careful.
- Mm.
If anybody finds out we're back together, I'm gonna end up riding a unicycle up to the altar where you're standing with your monkey best man.
Mm.
Don't get mad, but that would be kind of cool.
No.
I say we keep us a secret and then after the double wedding freak show, we say, "We were so inspired by your love that we decided to get married, too.
" I don't know.
I just We've been through so much.
I don't want to wait.
You know? It's gonna kill me to see them get married before us.
Let's just elope.
- I love that.
- Right? I don't want to wait either.
Yeah, we'll drive to South Haven tomorrow night.
We'll spend the weekend at a bed and breakfast.
Okay, yeah.
All right, we just have to come up with a good cover story that explains why we're both away, though.
Right.
Okay, I got it.
I'll say I'm spending the weekend building a house for Habitat for Humanity, and you heard that somebody was having a good time somewhere and you had to smother it with a pillow.
What are you two doing in here this late? I caught Ben stealing.
I, uh Well, I needed a chair.
And, uh I didn't know where else to get one this time of night.
This is why I can't be with you.
You're sick.
Oh, here's the bride-to-be.
Hey.
Check out my tiara.
I wore this because I know you old people like this stuff.
Where's my mom and Aunt Jackie and everybody? I figured all the old broads would want to send me off.
Well, you're not really getting a sendoff, and we're the only old broads you're getting.
Yeah.
Actually, we just wanted to spend some time with you to to tell you what it was like for us to get married.
Okay.
I was only 17 when I married Mark.
I loved him so much, but I could've been out in the world, learning about myself and meeting interesting people in faraway places, like Cincinnati or Newark.
Now, I'll never know what those people are like or how they live.
Your dreams make me sad.
Uh, you know, my experience with this is totally different.
I dated a lot in my 20s and 30s.
I mean, sometimes you just don't know what your favorite dish is until you sample the buffet.
Maybe you try a spicy chile relleno or a hearty bowl of borscht, which is great until you find it shaving its back with your razor.
Okay, this was all just a lame excuse to talk me out of marrying Aldo.
Did my mom put you guys up to this? No, your mom had nothing to do with it.
It was all Becky.
Hey! We all agreed you were too young to jump into marriage.
That's right.
Oh, what are you doing here? Well, I promise this is the only time you're gonna hear this.
My son is a man-baby who will ruin your life if you stay with him.
You said that the first time I met you.
And how did that work for you? If you can't accept Aldo as a part of the family, then maybe I don't want to be a part of this family anymore.
Okay, okay, we've said our piece.
If this is what you really want, we will buckle in and support you, okay? Okay.
The only upside is that now you guys feel guilty enough to throw me a real bachelorette party with cut dudes shaking their junk.
See ya.
You're the single one, right? Yeah.
Hey, uh, is Harris here? No, she left.
W Did you chase her away? I told you to stay out of it.
No.
I didn't chase her away, and I don't want to chase you away.
How can I make things better? I know you're going to curse this union for the rest of your life.
Uh, I just want your blessing.
I'm against this with every fiber of my being.
And I give you my blessing.
Thank you.
I'm always proud of you, son.
Just not of what you're doing and who you are.
Now you're gonna make me cry.
Jesse, Aldo's got to go find Harris.
How about I buy you a drink? Cool! I'll teach you a drinking game.
Step one, you have a drink.
Step two, you have another drink.
Step three, go back to step one.
So if my dad didn't chase Harris away, why isn't she here? Because we were telling her to think twice about getting married at her age.
You guys got to stop doing that crap or you won't be invited to the baby shower.
Oh, my God.
Harris is pregnant? That's why she feels she has to marry you.
She's terrified and desperate.
No.
She's not pregnant, but thank you.
But we do need some baby stuff 'cause we're gonna start trying for a kid right after we get married.
Harris is okay with having a baby that fast? Yeah, probably.
Well, maybe you should check in with your bride-to-be about the timing.
Maybe she has plans for her uterus that you don't know about.
You don't know what a uterus is, do you? I Well, I know we all have one.
Hey, I'm just heading out to my company retreat now.
See ya Monday.
Got a second? Uh, can I talk to you when I get back? Oh, sure, sure.
I just wanted to say thank you.
When you bought a man's wedding band today from the place where I got Louise's ring, they e-mailed me a $25 gift certificate for the referral.
Why do you need a wedding band? Um Well, you know what they say.
Uh, when you when you want something to happen, you have to manifest it.
So hey, universe, I got the ring, now bring me a man! Apparently you bought a man's and a woman's wedding band.
Well, I-I do not want the universe to think that I'm narrow-minded.
Uh, it's it's about what's in somebody's heart, not what's in their pants.
- I gotta go.
- Have a good trip.
Oh, just one more thing.
This is probably nothing.
But it seems like you're running off to get married, and it could really only be to Ben.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, a wedding ring must mean that I'm getting married, and it could only be to Ben.
Please don't tell anybody.
Hang on.
After all you've put us through with that relationship, you're going to run off and elope? Listen, I-I-I tried one wedding with all of you guys there.
Let me try one now with nobody there, and if it sticks, I'll know that you people are the problem.
Okay? Bye.
Not so fast.
Come on.
I've put Ben through so much with this family.
He and I just want a quiet ceremony.
I don't think that's too much to ask.
Is Ben waiting outside? Yes.
Tell him to come in.
Ben! I'm not here.
No, my dad knows.
It's okay.
Come in.
It's gonna take a second.
He's crouching behind a bush.
This was not the plan.
Listen, I know you've had issues with Darlene putting this family before you.
So if letting us be a part of your special day is too much to ask, I get it.
I just want to shake your hand and say congratulations.
Thanks, Dan.
You're a good man.
So are you.
Become like a son to me.
And even if I can't be there, just knowing that my daughter is marrying you, that's all I need.
I appreciate that.
Maybe if you could remember, you can take a picture so at least I could pretend I was there.
Dad.
And if I don't make it to tomorrow, I-I can pass knowing that my daughter's in good hands.
Oh, my God, stop.
Now, this is pathetic, manipulative, and it's working.
All right, look, Darlene and I will talk about joining your damn circus wedding.
Only if you want to.
Oh, shut up.
No, do not let him pull you in.
We are walking out that door right now, and we're getting married.
I may be reading between the lines, but it seemed like a really big deal to your dad.
Well, he's a grown man, and he will get over it.
It's okay, Ben.
I'm being a selfish old man.
I get why Darlene doesn't want to be a part of this craziness.
She doesn't owe anybody in this family anything.
You guys just go do your thing.
That is just another manipulation.
He's coming back.
Do you think he meant it that time? I don't know.
He might have.
Oh, God, my stomach hurts.
I feel horrible.
I just want you to know, that wasn't being manipulative That was real.
Well, we're never gonna beat that.
Okay, fine, we're staying! You win, you crafty old bastard! Only if you want to! Hey, um, real quick, before we go in, it's no big deal, but your Aunt Becky thought I should tell you I want us to have a kid right after we get married.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Well, I-I mean, that's kind of big.
We haven't really talked about that.
Oh, yeah, yeah, we did.
Uh, I said, "I want a kid," and you said, "Yeah.
" Right, right.
We talked about maybe having a kid, but I thought we were talking about, like, much, much later.
Oh.
You're already a dad.
What's the rush? I'm not getting any younger, and old sperm is dumb sperm.
I want to get my swimmers in there while they still know which way to go.
Well, that's beautiful and all, but I know.
I just love you so much.
We're gonna have the best babies.
Okay, okay, there you guys are.
Ben, Darlene, you don't have to stay for this part.
This is just for the couples getting married.
Oh.
About that.
Uh, Ben and I are going to get married with you.
No! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Aaaaah! Okay.
We're collapsing my vertebrae.
Time to stop.
You guys are gonna be so happy you decided to join us.
Oh, my God, yes, you are.
Okay, now, um, last time we talked, there were some crazy ideas being thrown around about the wedding.
So imagine this.
Oh, my God.
The wedding march starts.
We all walk in covered in live butterflies.
I think it would be so spectacular.
We will, however, have to coat ourselves in nectar.
Bad idea.
Tigers love nectar.
Well, I hope so 'cause I want to go quick.
Oh, Dan, can I talk to you? I guess we'll find out.
Go ahead.
I know how Jackie feels, but I'm thinking of inviting her mother to the wedding.
She's never had a good relationship with her mom, and I think I can be the salve on that wound.
That's not a wound.
That's a dead foot.
Gotta cut it off.
You may have blown it a little out of proportion.
I mean, what guy doesn't hate his mother-in-law and have all kinds of stories? She's a human being like the rest of us.
No, she can assume the form of a human being.
But it's just a trap.