The Nanny s04e19 Episode Script

( Jazz music playing ) Darling, I don't care what you say these rice cakes taste like cork.
That's a coaster, Ma.
Here's the rice cake.
Will you stop hawking me? The doctor told me my cholesterol was perfect.
Stop it, stop that.
You can't keep eating fat like this.
Or you are not gonna live long enough to dance at my wedding.
I'll take my chances.
See how mean I get when I don't eat? Mm-hmm.
Well, goodbye, sweetheart.
Bye, Ma.
Oh, not so fast.
What? You wanna hug? No, "Kisses.
" ( telephone ringing ) Oh.
Hello.
Woman: Yes, I'm looking for Ms.
Fran Fine.
Oh, this is Fran Fine.
Oh, you have no idea how happy I am to hear your voice.
Oh, you know, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I'd have a nickel.
Maybe I should just be direct.
My name is Lila Baker.
Miss Fine, there's a possibility that there was a mixup in the hospital and I may be your birth mother.
What? Oh, that's ridiculous.
I mean, you obviously have the wrong Fran Fine.
Although, who else but a mother could be so happy to hear this voice? ( Lila laughing like Fran ) She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing Queens Till her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes What was she to do? Where was she to go? She was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell makeup, but father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there That's how she became The Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we've described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now the father finds her beguiling Watch out, C.
C.
And the kids are actually smiling Such joie de vivre She is the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran So, C.
C.
, how is everything going in Los Angeles, hmm? C.
C.
: Fabulous, Maxwell.
I have a friend at CBS who wants to buy our show and turn it into a TV series.
Whoa, back up.
You have a friend? Now, C.
C.
, you do realize if we sell this idea, you are gonna have to live out there? What? No comment from the quicker picker upper? No, he's outside.
I don't think he heard you.
Woo-hoooo! Oh, Mr.
Sheffield.
I'm so freaked out.
A woman just called and told me that ma may not be my real mother.
So, are we happy or sad? We're thinking.
Ma, look at you.
You're being so good.
I'm so proud of you.
Well, I'm trying.
Now I know why I breast fed for two years.
I was sucking Yoo-hoo.
You know, Ma, if you continue to eat this way you are going to kill yourself.
You know, I get so little pleasure in life.
It's not like you've given me a wedding to plan or grandchildren or Have some whipped cream.
Thank you.
Ma, when I was born, who did I look like? Dick Van Patten.
And when we were in the hospital, were you with me every second? I never let you out of my sight.
Not even to go out and steal some rice pudding or Jell-O or What are you? The hospital security? So I took a couple that didn't belong to me.
The woman was catatonic.
So you did leave me.
Maybe we're not related.
TV broadcast: And then there's Maude And then there's Maude And then there's Maude And then there's Maude And then there's Maude And then there's Maude That uncompromisin', enterprisin' Anything but tranquilizing Right on, Maude Nadine, Francine, come on in.
I made gedempte meatballs with noodles.
Why do you have to scream? We're right here.
Who's screaming? Morty! Ma, you sound so obnoxious.
I can't believe you're my mother.
Well, believe it.
Meet my hips, Nadine and Francine.
Who's she blaming for her tush? Cousin Scooter Pie? Oh, I'm just so honored that Tootie Fields came for supper.
Maybe you're not her real daughter.
Did you ever wonder why you have black hair and we have blonde? That's because Francine looks like daddy.
See? Now, less talk and more eat.
After supper, we're gonna go buy your Halloween costumes.
I thought you'd go as a bride.
I don't wanna go as a bride.
I wanna go as a career woman.
A career woman? Whose child are you? That's it, young lady.
No more That Girl for you.
Ma, I have something very important I need to tell you.
Oh, let me switch to a softer food, so I could hear you.
Ma, a woman called me this morning and said that because of a hospital mixup years ago, it's possible that she's my real mother.
Oh, my God! What kind of a crackpot would make up a thing like that? Oh, she's trying to extort something probably from me and your father.
Like what, Ma? Your toaster oven with the burnt cheese on the heating coil? Ma, I invited this woman over to the house tomorrow.
I just need to know.
Fran, you are my daughter.
I remember every detail of your birth like it was yesterday.
I remember I ordered two eggs over easy.
It came scrambled, but I'm not a complainer.
Then I'm thinking, what is so delicious? And I find bacon bits in it.
I had to push it away, it was Rosh Hashanah.
I was born on a Jewish holiday? Oh, my God, then there really could have been a mixup.
I mean, what were there like two doctors left in that hospital? Your cheeks were so rosy when you were a baby.
Were you wearing blush? No, I was making.
C.
C.
, just tell them the deal is off.
I want you to get yourself on a plane and come home.
Are you stark raving mad, sir? Sell that schlock.
I'd just like to know why they were interested in my play in the first place if they want to change everything.
Oh, you'll drive yourself crazy asking questions like that.
Just tell them "show me the money.
" I'll call her back in the car.
Now, come on, everyone, we're gonna miss the movies.
- All right.
- Bye, Fran.
Bye, kids, have fun.
There we are, Miss Fine.
This way you can meet your new mother in private.
Don't call me Miss Fine.
That may not be my name.
I may be a completely different person.
I may not even talk like this.
Come here.
Oh, come on, I'm sure everything is gonna turn out just fine.
( Thinking ) Well, well, well, I'm getting a different mother and suddenly he can't keep his hands off me.
Coincidence? I think not.
( doorbell rings ) Oh, my God.
Fran? Ma? Oh, look at us.
You can't be my mother.
Why not? Your children look nothing like you.
Those aren't my children.
- I'm not even married.
- You're not? Honey, what are you waiting for? Sit down, Ma.
So I'm guessing that my father was probably a honky? Well, actually when we first met I thought he was black.
But then two weeks after we left Miami, he faded.
( Both laugh ) Oh, Miami.
So, then I'm still Jewish? Oh, absolutely.
You know, actually Fran, we wouldn't be sitting here together if it weren't for Morley Safer.
Oh, Morley Safer is my father? No, no, no.
on this nurse at Midtown General.
She confessed that she had mixed up some birth records right about the time both of you were born.
Ah, how could that happen? She said she dropped them while she was chasing some maternity patient who was stealing food.
So anyway, my daughter got tested and found out that it was true.
There is no way that we are genetically related.
- Aww.
- Oh, we were both devastated when we found out I wasn't her real mother.
Wait till she finds out who her real mommy might be.
Listen, Fran.
You know what, I would love for you to come to dinner tomorrow night and meet the rest of the family.
I have two grown sons.
- Oh, all right, I got brothers.
- That's right.
By my second husband.
He's African-American.
Oh, so I got brothers.
So, you're telling me that you're black? And beautiful.
Well, you're finally home.
Miss Babcock called and it looks as if she won't be moving to California.
CBS decided not to do your play.
- Why? - Because they saw it.
So now I bet they made me pitch a hundred lame ideas just to keep me to that bloody contract.
Do you mean there is still a chance to keep C.
C.
selling shoddy shows by the seashore? You get in your office, man, and come up with a fresh idea.
If I had a fresh idea, I wouldn't be trying to sell this crap on Broadway.
What about the story of the nice Jewish girl from Flushing who discovers that her mother is an African-American? Excuse me, but this happens to be a highly personal, very private story.
You'll get a royalty.
That just screams movie of the week.
- You want a nosh? - Hmm.
I just made a peanut butter sandwich, courtesy of my mishpocha George Washington Carver.
I just came by to tell you you're killing me! ( Door shuts ) Want to cut them half or in the diagonal.
You're just gonna let her walk out like that? Diagonal.
Oh, she's waiting right outside the door.
Just waiting for me to come around and beg her to come in.
Sylvia: Big shot knows everything.
I just wanted you to know that after you gave me the bad news yesterday, my whole body broke out in blotches all over.
- Look.
- Oh, please, no.
Let's keep those hatches battened down, shall we? Ma, calm down.
You're very upset.
You want some pudding? Why do people think I only respond to food? My heart is breaking.
Oh, Sylvia, you're here.
Perfect.
Ms.
Babcock faxed over this contract.
We're doing a movie about your daughter and her two mothers.
( Cries ) Oh.
We'll need your John Hancock right here.
Niles, can't you see Sylvia's distraught? My God, the woman turned down pudding.
When did I turn it down? We are family I got all my sisters with me We are family ( siren wailing ) Get up everybody and sing We are family Can I see your license, please? Officer, I was not speeding.
Yeah, I'm signing you for reckless driving, lady.
What reckless? I was just putting on mascara and brushing my hair.
What were you holding the wheel with? Driver's license, please.
You know it is just so obvious why you stopped me.
Yeah, why is that, Miss Fine? Eh, because I'm black.
Hi.
Wow! What a palace! Oh, I forgot something.
- What? - My luggage.
Fran? Oh, I'm so delighted to see you.
Oh, Ma, I just love what you've done with our home.
Oh.
We had it all redone in neoclassic.
Oh, we had ours all re-covered in neoplastic.
( Both laugh, nasal ) Oh, I'd like for you to meet my sons.
- Oh, hi.
- How do you do? I'm David.
- Hi.
Hi.
- Hello, I'm Mark.
Oh, why so formal? I'm your sister.
Come here and give me a hug.
I haven't seen you guys in well ever.
Oh, shall we have hors d'oeuvres in the salon? Oh, your salon.
Why didn't Morley Safer do that story 20 years ago? Oooh! So tell me, boys, what do you do? I'm a resident at New York hospital.
Oo-ha.
I'm in NYU law school.
And I'm a nanny.
Look at this, Ma.
Three professionals.
Boy, ambition like that, it's in the blood.
( Doorbell rings ) Ooh, raisin kugel.
It was your grandmother's recipe.
- Oh.
-Man, her potato latkes were the bomb.
Sylvia: Where is she? Ma? I can keep silent no more.
Fran is my daughter.
I nursed her through measles, chickenpox, her first zits and no one will ever take her away from me.
You're black? How the hell can she be your mother? Well, her first husband was Jewish.
Oh, well, that explains the kugel I smell, which no one has offered me.
Why are you pursuing this? I am your mother and nothing that this woman will ever say will ever convince me that I am not.
Would you two like a little privacy? We have a guest house.
You hear that? Your mother has a guest house.
( Telephone ringing ) Does your butler service the guest house, too? Ma.
Both: What? Well, that was the hospital with the results of Fran's blood test.
Yeah? Mom, I'm really sorry, but your DNA doesn't match.
Fran's not your daughter.
Aw.
I'm so disappointed.
I feel like I've known you my whole life.
Oh, you know you will always be my Fran.
Doctors make mistakes.
We'll get a second opinion.
Ma, you're embarrassing me.
Will you stop calling me Ma? Knock it off.
You're my mother.
If I can accept it, who's the bigger sport here? Both: Good.
Oh, I can't believe I came this close to having a gorgeous mansion with a butler and a loving family of my own.
Miss Fine, you have all that here.
Here's what I'm talking about.
Oh.
Oh, C.
C.
, at last, there you are.
What on Earth kept you? Well, the plane landed in Chicago, Bucksnort, Tennessee, and I don't know, Hooterville.
What hack travel agent booked that flight? I'm Niles.
Fly me.
Fran, is your mother mad at us? She hasn't called.
She hasn't come over.
There are leftovers.
Oh, honey, I think that the whole mixup really got to her.
She hasn't answered any of my calls.
Maybe she just needs a little space.
Sylvia, dear.
You don't understand.
You see, even if Fran were my daughter, you and I are not related.
Fine, I know when I'm not wanted.
And I'm not one to push.
Morty, wake up Yetta and get out of the pool! Hey.
I grew up pretty good.
I got myself a mansion, kids, a gorgeous husband.
You're the Nanny, baby.
( Screams ) ( jazz music playing )