The Simpsons s04e19 Episode Script

[Chorus.]
## The Simpsons ## [Bell Ringing.]
[Whistle Blowing.]
[ Beeping .]
[Jazzy Solo .]
[ Beeping .]
[ Tires Screeching .]
D'oh! [ Screams .]
[ Trumpeting .]
[Applause.]
Mmm! Delicious! Now, Krusty, I hear it's your birthday so I got your mother's recipe for matzohbrei.
Hey, I don't do The Jewish stuff on the air.
But, Hershel, bubbeleh-- Ix-nay on the ew-Jay.
Roll the cartoon.
It's so sad that Krusty is ashamed of his roots.
Marge, it happened again.
[ Groans .]
[ Grunting Angrily.]
Ohh.
What are you gonna change your name to when you grow up? Lois Sanborn.
Steve Bennett.
[Singing Theme.]
- Ow.
- Hee-hee-hee.
- Ow.
- Hee-hee-hee.
- Ow.
- Hee-hee-hee.
This is a rather lifeless outing.
Don't worry.
They're building to something.
- Oww.
- Hee-hee-hee.
[ Together.]
Kids, say no to drugs! Ehh, I could pull a better cartoon out of my a-- [ Chuckles .]
Hey! Whoa! Wasn't that great, kids? That's as bad as the tasteless "Itchy and Sambo" cartoons of the late '30s.
The writers should be ashamed of themselves.
- Cartoons have writers? - Ehh, sort of.
Oh, yeah? Well, you and I could write a better cartoon than that.
Write a cartoon ourselves? Bart, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Probably not.
Lie in the snow and count to 60.
Hyah! [Sinister Chuckling.]
Merry Christmas, suckers! [Marge.]
"Third notice"? "Final notice"? "Some guys are coming"? Oh, what's this? An invitation to our high school reunion.
Gee, that's odd.
They didn't send one to you.
[ Thinking .]
This is it, Homer.
It's time to tell her the terrible secret from your past.
Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
Oh, my God! [ Thinking .]
No, the other secret.
Marge, I never graduated from high school.
Well, that still doesn't explain why you ate my soap.
Wait.
Maybe it does.
I never passed Remedial Science 1 -A.
And you're a nuclear technician? Marge, ix-nay on the uclear-nay echnician-tay.
- What did you say? - I don't know.
I flunked Latin too.
According to this book, the first thing we need is a setting.
Okay.
Setting, setting, setting setting.
[ Gasps, Grunts .]
[Snap.]
[ Muttering .]
- How about a barbershop? - Great! Scratchy is getting a haircut.
[Lisa.]
Then Itchy, the barber chops Scratchy's head off with a razor.
[Mexican.]
[Bart, Lisa Laughing.]
Ah, too predictable.
The way I see it, instead of shampoo Itchy covers Scratchy's hair with barbecue sauce opens a box of flesh-eating ants and the rest writes itself.
[ Shrieks .]
Ah, this show ain't no good.
- [ Typing .]
- Finished! Now all we have to do is put our names on it.
- Fine.
Put my name first.
- No way! All right, then to decide it I propose a race around the world.
Meet me at Leicester Square at noon tomorrow.
The queen herself shall drop the checkered flag.
Look, there's only one reasonable way to settle this-- rock, paper, scissors.
[ Thinking .]
Poor, predictable Bart.
Always takes rock.
[ Thinking .]
Good old rock.
Nothing beats that.
- Rock.
- Paper.
D'oh! [Man.]
You call this writing? If I puked in a fountain pen and mailed it to the monkey house, I'd get better scripts.
-But, sir, at Harvard-- -Oh, at Harvard they taught you? Hit the streets, egghead! You should've majored in not getting fired.
Sir, a Lisa and Bart Simpson sent you a script.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
"Dear Mr.
Meyers, my brother and I watch your show.
You should be proud that children everywhere--" Blah-blah-blah, bling-bling-bling-blah.
Hey, egghead! Sing "Fair Harvard.
" [ Singing .]
You, sir, have the boorish manners of a Yalie! Bart, they rejected our script.
I guess we're just not cut out to be writers.
Maybe he just doesn't take us seriously 'cause we're kids.
Let's put a grown-up's name on it.
How about Grampa? He's pretty out of it.
He let those guys use his checkbook for a whole year.
[Rapid Typing.]
[Grampa.]
When I read your magazine I don't see one wrinkled face or a single toothless grin.
For shame! To the sickos at Modern Bride magazine.
Hey, Grampa, we need to know your first name.
[ Gasps .]
You're making my tombstone! No! We're just curious.
All right, let's see.
First name.
First name.
Well, whenever I'm confused I just check my underwear.
It holds the answer to all the important questions.
Call me Abraham Simpson.
Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants? I don't know! Ehh! Hmm.
[ Chuckling .]
- [Knocking.]
- What? Sir, you locked my office, and I wanted to get my Harvard mug.
- Shut up! - [ Moans .]
[ Laughing .]
Roxie, get me Abraham Simpson.
[Phone Rings.]
- Phone call, Simpson.
- Ehh? Is this the Abraham Simpson who wrote the Itchy and Scratchy episode? Ishi and what? Oh, you must be some kind of crazy person.
I'm sorry, but we have a substantial check here for a Mr.
Abraham Simpson.
That's right.
I did the Iggy.
Ah, my high school yearbook.
You handsome devil.
"I can't believe I ate the whole thing.
" [ Chuckles .]
"Activities: none.
Sports: none.
Honors: none.
" So many memories.
Time to go to the reunion.
It'll be great to see the old gang again-- Potsie, Ralph Malph, the Fonz.
That was Happy Days.
No, they weren't all happy days.
Like the time Pinky Tuscadero crashed her motorcycle.
Or the night I lost all my money to those card sharks and my dad Tom Bosley had to get it back.
[ Groans .]
Hello, Principal Dondelinger.
Oh, Marge Bouvier.
It's so good to see you.
Sorry, sir.
We're not letting vagrants sleep in the gym tonight.
But we will be putting some scraps by the back door.
- D'oh! - Oh, it's you, Simpson.
Yecch.
[Disco.]
Look, there's Bobby Mindich, the class clown.
I am not a crook! [ Laughs .]
Eh? Richard Nixon.
I know! [ Continues .]
[ Both Grunt, Laugh .]
Oh, my God! - It's my old boyfriend, Artie Ziff.
- ## [ Humming .]
Hello, Marge.
Have you heard? I'm stinking rich.
jealous? I'll bet you'd trade it all for one night with my wife.
- I would.
- Mmm! Homer! Hey, Man, it's Dave! Open up, Man! - Dave's not here, Man.
- [ Laughing .]
Okay, now, let's move on-- The guy's so high, he doesn't even know that's Dave! Homer.
- Homer? - Homer's not here, Man.
[ Chuckles .]
Okay, very good.
Now let's get on with our really big show.
- Ed Sullivan.
- Shh! First, the award for the alumnus who's gained the most weight-- - Homer Simpson! - Oh, my God! How'd you do it, Homer? I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.
And now the award for most improved odor-- - Homer Simpson.
- Yes! [Applause.]
And the person who traveled the least distance to be here-- Well, kiss my grits! - Homer Simpson! - [Applause.]
- ####[Fanfare.]
- What can I say? It hasn't been easy staying in my rut.
Class of'74, I was just leafing through your permanent records when I discovered something shocking.
Homer Simpson never passed Remedial Science 1 -A and thus never graduated from high school.
- [ All Gasp .]
- I'm sorry, Simpson.
- I have to take back those awards.
- [ All Laughing .]
This is Howard Co-smell.
Homer Simpson is a boob.
What do you think, J.
J.
? Dy-no-mite! Didn't graduate? How low can you get? Barney, where's your cummerbund? It fell in the toilet.
I'm going to go to night school, earn my high school diploma and get back my Most Improved Odor trophy! [ Groans .]
You're a comedy writer? My God, you're so old.
- I want my check! - [ Laughs .]
You're a writer, all right.
- Here you go, Simpson.
- I want another one! You're a funny guy.
How would you like a staff job? I'll start you at $800 a week.
My chest hurts.
All right, leeches, I want you to see what a good writer looks like.
His name is Abraham Simpson and he's got something you couldn't get at your fancy schools-- life experience.
Actually, you know, I wrote my thesis on life experience, and-- Quiet! Abe, tell 'em about your amazing life.
I spent 40 years as a night watchman at a cranberry silo.
Wow! So, this patch steadily releases nicotine into my body eliminating my need for cigarettes.
[ Laughing .]
[ Groaning .]
Roll the cartoon.
[Singing Theme.]
Bart! Our cartoon's on TV! - All right! Turn up the volume! - ## [ TV.]
[ Announcer.]
Erosion is a slow but steady process.
[ Screaming .]
Ah, this show ain't no good.
Hee-yah! [ Plaintive Ballad .]
[Singing End Theme.]
[ Both Sigh .]
Bart, Lisa, I have something to tell you, and I'm not proud of it.
Dad, whatever you say you know you'll always have my love and respect.
I never graduated from high school.
[ Laughing .]
- [ Growling .]
- [ Choking .]
[Doorbell Rings.]
Hello, son.
I was on my way home from work and thought I'd drop by.
Oh.
You have a job? They pay me $800 a week to tell a cat and mouse what to do! I see.
[ Vocalizing .]
[ Bell Rings .]
Dad, can we talk to Grampa alone for a minute? All right.
But if he starts to wig out, try to lure him into the cellar.
Then we put your name on the script and sent it in.
Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing? Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing? Grampa, we could write the scripts for you and split the money three ways.
I don't know.
I'd better sleep on it.
[ Snoring .]
Grampa? Grampa! [ Gasping .]
Oh, why did you wake me? I was having the nicest dream.
I dreamt I was the queen of the Old West.
I kept a six-shooter in my garter, I did.
- Do we have a deal? - Sure, sure.
[ Snoring .]
Boys, stop! You can both marry me! Whoo-hoo! Yippee! Hey, how would you kids like a tour of the studio? - Yea! - Yea! - Abe, you comin'? - Any stairs? -Just one.
- Nuts to you! [ Snoring .]
Wow, it must be expensive to produce all these cartoons.
Well, we cut corners.
Sometimes to save money our animators will reuse the same backgrounds over and over and over again.
[ Clears Throat .]
Welcome to Remedial Science 1 -A.
My, uh, wife recently passed away.
I thought teaching might ease my loneliness.
- Will this be on the test? - No! Oh! Hey, Mel, bring me another nicotine patch.
Uh, I think there's some space on my butt.
And now, here's another fine Itchy and Scratchy cartoon by Abraham Simpson! [ All Cheering .]
[ Shrieks .]
[ Continues Shrieking .]
-[Cash Register Rings.]
- [ Chuckling .]
Hmph! Hmph! [ Gasps .]
[ All Shouting .]
The bright blue flame indicates this was a particularly sweet doughnut.
[ Sobbing .]
This is not happening.
This is not happening! - [Typing.]
- [Grampa.]
Dear Mr.
President there are too many states nowadays.
Please eliminate three.
I am not a crackpot.
- Good news, Abe.
- Who are you? [ Chuckling .]
No, no.
You've been nominated for an award.
You're so good, I fired the other writers.
From now on, the fate of the entire company rests on that delightful coconut of yours.
Oh, no! We're all doomed! I'm a complete fraud! Huh? Sorry? I didn't catch any of that.
And now I gotta go.
[ Clears Throat .]
All right, here are your exams.
Fifty questions.
- True or false.
- True.
- Homer, I was just describing the test.
- True.
- Homer, just take the test, and you'll do fine.
- False.
[ Sighs .]
All right, brain.
You don't like me, and I don't like you but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.
[ Thinking .]
It's a deal! Thank you for this award.
It is a tribute to this great country that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt could win back your trust.
Yo, Grampa, time for the awards.
Did you call the girl from the escort service? They said their insurance won't cover you.
Oh.
That's an onion in the ointment.
[Orchestra: Upbeat.]
[Emcee.]
Now, to present the award for outstanding writing in a cartoon series Krusty the Clown and Brooke Shields.
[ Applause .]
[Ends.]
"Well, here we are.
The star of The Blue Lagoon and me, the blue-haired goon!" What the-- That's terrible! Cartoons have the power to make us laugh and to make us cry.
Wouldn't you agree, Krusty? First of all, my hair is green, not blue.
I got nothin' to work with here.
- Nothin'! - Uh-- Well, at least I can take off this girdle.
- [Grunting, Sighing.]
- [Girdle Snaps.]
Ohh, yeah! Uh, the nominees for best writing in a cartoon series are Strong-dar, Master of Akom, the wedding episode.
Strong-dar, Master of Akom, the wedding episode.
[Smattering Of Applause.]
Action Figure Man, the "How to Buy Action Figure Man" episode.
[ Sobbing .]
Please, Mommy.
I want it.
- Hmm.
- [Applause.]
Ren and Stimpy, season premiere.
[Applause Intensifies.]
And finally, Itchy and Scratchy, the "Little Barbershop of Horrors" episode.
Cross my fingers for me.
- [ Snap .]
- That's gonna hurt come winter.
- [ Shrieks .]
- [ Laughing .]
[ Chuckling .]
And the winner is Itchy and Scratchy, Abraham Simpson-- rise.
[ Gasps .]
- ####[Orchestra.]
- [Bart.]
All right, Grampa! Whoo! That was the first time I ever saw Itchy and Scratchy and I didn't like it one bit! It was disgusting and violent! I think all you people are despicable! For shame! [ Murmuring, Shouting .]
He's right.
We've been wasting our lives.
To hell with cartoons.
I'm gonna do what I've always dreamed of.
Gonna write that sitcom about that sassy robot.
Here, kids.
I guess you deserve this.
Let's go.
I guess nobody likes the truth, huh, Grampa? - Nope.
- [ Bart .]
I'll never watch an awards show again.
Unless that delightful Billy Crystal's involved.
Marge! I passed! That's wonderful, Homie! At our next high school reunion, I'll have nothing to be ashamed of.
Hello, Dondelinger.
Simpson.
Is that a plunger stuck on your head? - D'oh! - [ Groans .]
[ Upbeat .]
Not me! Knock that off, you two! It's time for church! We're not going to church today.
[ Gasps .]
What? You give me one good reason! It's Saturday! Okilly-dokilly-do! - [ People Chattering .]
- Shh!