Weird Science s04e19 Episode Script

You'll make man.
No.
Woman.
Woman.
[THEME MUSIC - OINGO BOINGO, "WEIRD SCIENCE".]
THEME SONG: Weird science.
Ooo! Pictures from a magazine, diagrams and charts, mending broken hearts and making weird science.
Something like a recipe, bits and pieces, bits and pieces.
My creation, is it real? It's my creation, ooo, my creation.
It's my creation! No heart of gold-- just flesh and blood.
I do not know.
It's my creation, ooo, my creation.
It's my creation! From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand? He's alive.
Alive! [MUSIC PLAYING.]
OK, Chet.
A few quick instructions before we leave.
Don't touch the VCR, I'm taping my stories.
And don't answer the phone in my office.
Don't use my golf clubs.
Don't sweat on my abdominizer.
No visits from your tractor pull buddies.
Yours, not mine.
So, I guess that makes you keeper of the castle.
Wyatt's well-being is in your hands.
Chet, are you listening? No prob.
My favorite little bro's in good hands.
[HORN HONKING.]
Oh, that must be the shuttle.
If there's an emergency, the number for the Golden Fetter Spa is taped to the fridge.
Golden Fetter's? Uh-oh.
You two aren't going to some kinky sex camp, are you? Well, I think we'd better go because the-- -Look at the time.
-Shuttle is waiting.
-Darling-- -We're late.
Have fun, Chet.
Way more than I needed to know.
Two weeks of no curfew.
I am parent-free.
How'd you get out? Doggy door.
Club Lust.
The walls in here are drenched with the sweat of the beautiful people.
And tonight, we are going to add our own distinctive musk.
Two admissions, my good man.
Chuck E.
Cheese is two blocks east.
Good on.
Yes, indeed.
You had no way of knowing this when you tossed off that witty ha-ha, but my father happens to bowl with Sylvester Stallone's mother, who is the psychic consultant to a certain Mr.
Chrisian, the club owner's brother-in-law.
Mr.
Chrisian is dead.
Then we'll dance in his memory.
Sidewalk is all yours.
Next.
What were we thinking.
Club Lust is out of our league.
The AV Club is out of our league.
You guys want to get inside? Just ask.
I'll zap you there.
It's not that easy, Lis.
That Club Lust would see right through our pathetic efforts to be cool.
They'd chuck us out.
We need to be more like them.
Sexy, raw, predatory.
Real creatures of the night.
You want to be cool or be vampires? You know, vampires are pretty damn cool.
I've never seen a dorky one.
You're not serious, Oh, come on.
They have super hearing and super strength.
They-- Hypnotic power over women.
We could be like Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt.
Oh, oh, can I be Brad Pitt? 'Cause you're my bud.
Cool.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hello? Aren't we forgetting the biggie? Drinking human blood? Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Maybe we could skip that part of it.
Hm.
Skip the blood guzzling.
I don't see why not.
You know, once you take the insatiable thirst for helpless victims off the table, it does sound pretty appealing.
I want in.
She wants in.
OK, open your collars.
I've got to get at your necks.
Lisa needs a nibble.
[SCREAMING.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hide your pearly whites.
We have entered the cool zone.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
Can I get you something from the bar? Yoo-hoo.
OK, relax.
Three Yoo-hoos.
What was that about? I haven't craved a Yoo-hoo in years.
Me neither.
But right now, I'd kill for one.
I had to replace the blood lust with something.
Yoo-hoo lust? It's chocolatey good.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
Come on, Wy.
The dance floor is calling.
Oh, I've never felt so alive.
Now that my thirst has been slaked, I need to prowl the night like the creature I've become.
Uh, Wyatt? Little mustache.
You want to come with us? No, go ahead.
I'm going solo tonight.
I've got my ultra-sensitive bat-like radar set for beefcake.
Gary.
Gary, two o'clock.
You see her? Oh, yeah.
What are you waiting for? Go ask her to dance.
I can't dance.
You've seen me.
I move like the San Diego chicken.
That was then.
Now you move like a vampire.
Wow.
This is better than rollerblading.
Hi.
You wanna dance? Uh, Wyatt.
What's yours? Thanks, I'd love to.
You want to dance? Annabelle.
Hello, ladies.
Which one of you feels lucky? We'd be lucky if you were in a different club.
You don't think I'm sexy? I think whatever you want me to think.
Now this is a wish.
Hi, can I get a-- No, wait.
Let me guess.
I'm good at this.
I'd say you are a definite sex on the beach girl.
I am not.
It's a drink.
A drink.
I know it's a drink.
Don't have to tell me it's a drink.
I drink 'em all the time.
Nothing like a little sex on the beach at the end of a hard day, I always say.
Yep, that's what I always say.
If you've said it once, you've said it a hundred times, I'll bet.
Well, maybe not a hundred.
Aha.
Willem.
Lisa.
You're fantastic out there.
You seem to glide.
No, I think they just waxed the floor.
Ouch.
Oh, sorry.
Uh, chipped tooth.
You know, you've got a great smile.
It's like you've got a secret.
I feel the same way about you.
Will I see you tomorrow night? Definitely.
I don't know about you, but I am digging this hypnotizing thing.
[GROANING.]
Eh, wet shoulders.
Small price to pay.
We need to bolt soon.
We should get some sleep before our trig quiz tomorrow morning? Sleep? We're the undead now.
We can stay up all night and still ace that quiz.
Sleep is for mortals.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
Two failed midterms.
Sleeping through class.
Barricading himself in the darkroom? Tardy? I hear a cry for help.
What are you looking at, you big hangnail? I'm looking at you, corny.
Toe.
Jam.
Fungus farm.
Let's get 'em, guys.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Hello.
Well, if it isn't my old enemy ass-istant Principal Scampi.
Scampi.
Scampi.
We don't have time for that right now, Chester.
I'm calling about your brother, Wyatt.
I need to set up a parent-teacher conference.
No can do.
My parents bugged out for the week.
I'm in charge.
Well, while you've been in charge, young Wyatt has run amok.
I'm hardly surprised, what with his well-being entrusted to a boob like you.
Boob? Let's be honest, Chester.
I wouldn't leave you in charge of dead sea monkeys.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
Parent-teacher conference.
You.
Me.
Now.
Sit down, Chester.
If you don't mind, I'd rather stand.
Look, we both know that we'd rather suck all the snot out of a dog's head than be in the same room with each other.
But I'm here for my brother, so let's get to it.
Let's look at the facts.
His schoolwork is slipping.
He's dressing like a hoodlum.
He's sleeping through his classes.
Yeah.
Well, now that you mention it, he hasn't come home one night this week.
Sounds like our boy wants to party all the time.
Party all the time? Party all the time.
I hear they've been hanging out at a place called Club Lust.
I'm going in alone.
Like hell you are.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hey guys, Annabelle wants to know if we want to check out the VIP room.
It's an all-night rave called The Tomb.
You'll love it.
We can hang out with our kind of people.
Our kind of people? The hardcore social elite.
We're going to The Tomb.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Tomb.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
Woah.
Check us out.
We are too hot.
[LIGHT MOANING.]
Would you excuse me a sec? Can you check my hair? What did you do to it? I don't have a reflection, remember? I had to mousse by memory.
Settle a bet for me.
What's that.
Gary says you're over 21.
I say you're not.
How old are you? I guess Gary wins.
Excuse me.
Two admissions, my good man.
The redneck bar's two blocks west.
Oh, redneck.
I get it, 'cause you think I-- wow, really got me, pal.
Zing.
You might want to turn away.
Oh! Wanna check out redneck bar? You know, if I shaved 100 pounds off you and replaced that receding hairline with a disfiguring case of acne, I swear I'd be looking at Timmy Wizcowski.
Assistant Principal Scampi.
That's Principal Scampi now.
A position which affords me complete access to the yearbook photo archives.
You know, I bet your with-it friends here at Club Lust would get a big kick out of seeing the woofer you took to the junior prom.
[GRUNTING.]
[GONG SOUNDING.]
[PIG OINKING.]
Oh, look! Piggie.
What's going on? You'll see.
Just a little something we do for newcomers.
[HISSING.]
Feed.
Feed.
Feed.
Feed.
Feed.
Feed.
They want us to feed the pig? I've got beer nuts.
No.
They want us to feed on the pig.
Feed.
They want us to eat Babe? No way.
I mean, maybe if they grease him up and chase him around or something.
They are vampires.
Wyatt? What's the matter with you? There's nothing the matter with me.
What's the matter is you.
You're a bloodsucking vampire.
So are you.
No.
No, I'm a Yoo-hoo sucking vampire.
Big difference.
You're joking, right? I am too terrified to joke.
Lis, would you get us out of here please? Way ahead of you.
I don't understand any of this.
I'll explain it later.
Perhaps you'd better explain it now.
Willem, not you too.
[OMINOUS SOUNDS.]
Oh, bugger.
[HISSING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
Any luck? Nothing.
I think I'm onto something.
What have you got? A lead.
Let's have it.
VIP room downstairs.
Let's go.
Stay close.
Stay inconspicuous.
So sweet, lovable old Willy the bartender is really a vampire king? Vampire lord actually.
Annabelle, help us.
As if.
But I thought you liked me.
I don't date guys with pulses.
Why are you playing with these mortals? Let's drain them.
It's almost dawn.
Don't dismiss this particular mortal so quickly.
A vampire with her powers could douse the sun and plunge the earth into eternal darkness.
This entire planet will become a 24-hour all-you-can-eat buffet.
Great.
An upwardly mobile vampire.
It's settled.
We keep the girl, we kill the boys.
Drain 'em if you got 'em.
[ELEVATOR WHIRRING.]
Oh, good.
Second helpings.
They're vampires.
Run! Wyatt, you're out of control.
It's time for a meeting with the board of education.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
[PIG SQUEALING.]
Damnit, they're getting away! They're not going anywhere.
Why don't you pay them a little visit.
It's not working, man.
We're in a pretty pile of stink now.
Is this silly door supposed to stop me? She's getting in! [ANNABELLE SCREAMING.]
[BANGING ON DOOR.]
Those doors aren't going to hold.
We need some vampire weapons, and we need some fast! Garlic.
We're trapped in an elevator.
Where are we going to find garlic? I smell garlic.
Oh, that's me.
Italian hoagie.
I figured it'd be a long night.
Great.
Um, what about wooden stakes? No educator worth his salt is ever without a box of freshly-sharpened Ticonderoga Number 2's.
And I've got old Lucille here.
I remember back in 1987 I predicted that cursed wrist rocket would put out an eye.
Tonight, I pray to God I was right.
Let's do some damage.
[BANGING ON DOOR.]
[SCATTERED SCREAMS.]
Watch out.
They're pointy.
Time for a little gothic shish kabob.
Darling, they annoy me.
Make their heads explode.
Okey dokey.
Lisa, we're your friends.
Zap Willem.
Okey dokey.
Battle of wills.
Charming.
You've got him.
I got him.
Ow, my eye! [GROANING.]
My eye.
Well, I think we know who stands vindicated now.
That's it.
The windows! [GROANING.]
Wait til tonight, all of you.
As soon as darkness falls, I'll be paying you all a little visit.
And I will suck you dry.
Hey pucky, suck on this.
[EVIL SCREAMING.]
Ow.
Major migraine.
Where's Willem? Uh, sorry Lis.
I thought I'd finally met a nice guy.
Funny, handsome, charming.
Now he's gone, and I never really had a chance to say goodbye.
Goodbye, jerk.
There.
Closure.
[OMINOUS SOUNDS.]
Well, scratched that nest of undead scum off our hit list.
You were a dead eye with those Number 2's.
There was nothing holy about the way you sprayed that holy water.
You think there's any more out there? Only the night will tell.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[THEME MUSIC - OINGO BOINGO, "WEIRD SCIENCE".]
THEME SONG: Weird science.
Fantasy and microchips, shooting from the hip, something different.
We're making weird science.
Ooo! Pictures from a magazine, bits and pieces, bits and pieces.
My creation, is it real? It's my creation, I do not know.
It's my creation! From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand my intentions?