Xena: Warrior Princess s04e19 Episode Script

-Surprise.
-Surprise! Well, gee, glad to see you too, Mom.
Of course we're glad to see you, dear, but it's not your birthday.
No, and it's not Gabrielle's either.
Not until tomorrow.
-That's why it's a surprise! -Get it? It was Joxer's idea.
No surprise there.
But here's one for ya.
Hey! Autolycus I wouldn't have picked you for a party, boy.
Well, call me sentimental, but I hear the words "cake" and "ice cream" and I'm there.
Well, I'm sorry to say but Gabrielle isn't arriving until tomorrow.
So if you don't mind, I'm going to get some shut-eye.
Wait, not that way.
I've put you in the room next to mine.
Really? -Come on, dear.
-Ok.
You're home so rarely these days -I wanted you close.
-I haven't got that little room, have I? The bed's too small.
Mom? No! Stop! Not the face.
You're right.
I should start at the bottom.
Try that again, you'll be booking a cruise to Tartarus with your friend here, Xena.
Oh, sure I know who you are.
All Olympus knows the Warrior Princess.
Ares has made sure of that.
He's also made me goddess of retribution.
Discord's the name.
Retribution, huh? Guess you gotta start somewhere.
Where I'll start is with the person who did this.
-Hand him over.
-He's all yours.
Very funny But it just so happens he was otherwise engaged.
So, cut the comedy.
You think I did it? I wish.
But unfortunately, I saw enough to know it wasn't you.
The only other people here are my family and friends.
You saying one of them is the murderer? No.
You're telling me.
After all, "it takes one to know one", right? And somebody did kill her.
-Clearly, but -No buts! You either cough up the killer by sunrise, or I take one of your buddies.
Your choice.
But either way, someone's gonna pay.
In the time of ancient gods, warlords and kings a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Xena.
A mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.
The power The passion The danger Her courage will change the world.
XENA, THE WARRIOR PRINCESS I've got until sunrise to find out who did it.
Sunrise'll be here in no time.
-One of us? That's absurd! -She's dead, all right.
Well, that's typical leave it to the gods to try and frame an innocent party.
Yeah.
You know, Autolycus is right.
She's dead.
But she could 'a had a heart condition.
Yeah, maybe it grew that knife.
She was a total stranger, Xena.
Then it's time we got acquainted.
Let's take a look.
Muzzles Leather bonds Manacles Oh, nothing unusual here.
He's right.
These are the basic tools of the trade for a For a bounty hunter.
bounty hunter.
I saw that on her arm when I served her.
I didn't think of it till now.
Mom, could I have a word? Please.
What are these for? So you knew she was a bounty hunter? Well, not until you pulled out the manacles and chains.
That's when it hit me.
Before that Why? Because when I first heard the crash, I went into your room and you weren't there.
The storm kept me awake.
I was putting water on the coals in the kitchen when I heard the crash.
I gotta ask you this, Mom.
You killed once before to protect me.
Is history repeating itself? That was different.
I was protecting a child.
Well, you know what they say No matter what your age, you're always a child to your mother.
Xena! Look here! She's a bounty hunter, all right.
Her name's Ravenica.
Looks like this was a business trip.
Can you believe that? And after all you've done, too! Yeah, what an insult 200 dinars.
It should have been 1000, maybe a million.
It seems this Ravenica's cashed in on one bounty already.
Hey, maybe there's a happy ending, after all.
Oh, boy! Oh, all right Rocks Must be a decoy.
She probably kept her real valuables on her.
-Or near her.
-Or ne Ravenica You knew her? Well, I only met her once in person but I saw enough of her work in the stables to last a lifetime.
-Stables? -Yeah.
She'd catch her bounties by slowing down their horses.
-How did she do that? -Cutting their tendons and hobbling the poor things.
Most of them had to be put down.
Yeah, she was a real piece of work.
Are you sure that the dead woman is Ravenica? Another look and I'd be positive.
All right.
-Well? -Yeah, it's her, all right.
So you admit you knew her! Maybe you liked those horsies a little too much.
Let me rephrase that.
Ravenica here killed some horses.
You got mad! Now she's dead! Oh, come on, people Do I have to spell it out for ya? Minya in the bedroom with the knife.
Oh, get a clue! I didn't even know it was her until just now.
-So ya say.
-You calling me a liar? Wait a minute! All right, all right, settle down.
No one is calling anyone anything.
Xena's right.
Remember? We're all friends here.
Most of us.
Joxer's just looking at it from every angle, right, Joxer? -That's right.
-Oh, yes, he's very broad-minded.
Look! Ravenica has been murdered and someone here is responsible.
Xena, we've got trouble.
What's going on? Surprise.
Ok.
Look, Xena, there's a bounty hunter after you.
Sh She's on the floor -Dead? -Dead.
I guess you found her first, huh? Yes, I found her.
I didn't kill her.
Oh, that's good.
So if you didn't kill her, then who did? Autolycus, come and give us a hand, wouldja? Big job, running a tavern.
Lots of things to keep track of, huh? Food Drink Keys Hey, what do you know? There's a key to my room.
And to Xena's and Joxer's 'Course, you'd have a key to every room in the place, wouldn't ya, Cyrene? Meanin? Meaning, ya must know every creaky floorboard and squeaky hinge in the entire place.
Why you could float around like a ghost if you had to.
-And why would she wanna do that? -Bounty hunter checks in and despite what she says, I think she knew it.
You also knew it was damn likely your daughter would be on her list.
Autolycus We already had this discussion.
Then you must agree, no one has more means or a stronger motive to kill Ravenica than your own dear, overprotective mother.
Sorry, Cyrene.
Tough break.
Book her, Xena.
I'm outta here.
He's an idiot.
Thanks for the help, tall, dark and mortal.
I should have known Xena wouldn't have the guts to turn in her own mom.
What's the big idea? I thought you were the poster girl for truth and justice.
I am, when I'm sure it's being served.
And I'm not.
Come on, Discord Ya gave me till sunrise, remember? Fine.
Play your little detective games.
But time is running out.
You know It's hard to believe you're new at this.
I gotta tell ya, you're doin' a helluva job.
Vigilant Hard-working You even put a clock on the case.
Which reminds me I'm a little pressed for time, so, you'll pardon me.
Hey! Pressed for time? I see what you mean.
Suffer! Who was that? Ares' latest find Discord, goddess of retribution.
If Xena doesn't find Ravenica's killer, Discord's taking one of us -whether we did it or not.
-But that's not fair.
Well, she's a goddess.
I'm just glad she's gone.
Yeah? Not for long.
Lila, you look white as a sheet.
I'll get you some water.
So, where's the fire, big guy? Well, I just thought that I had the case all figured out.
Sorry I almost got you torched, Cyrene.
So You're saying it was Cyrene in the bedroom with the kitchen knife.
No.
In the kitchen with the bedroom knife? No.
I think it might have something to do with this.
-Look! -Hey! That's private property! His bag spilled across the kitchen floor, and these were in it.
Well, that explains a lot of things.
So, maybe her locked purse wasn't a decoy after all.
Ok, I'm a thief.
Hey! There's news! Meanwhile, we got a murderer among us, remember? I hate to say this, Autolycus, but people have killed for less than diamonds.
Come on, Gabrielle You know my rap sheet.
Do you recall seeing "ruthless murderer" anywhere on it? King of thieves Escape artist extraordinaire -Master of disguise -Quiet.
I'm willin' to bet anything, that mustache is phony.
Autolycus could have robbed her after she was dead.
After sh? Now, you listen here, missy, I may be a thief, but I've got my standards.
And And he wasn't the only one to go through her stuff.
What do you mean? There are three scroll sheets here.
One of them contains my bounty.
The other's of a a wanted poster for some other guy.
And this, the third one, is completely empty.
So? So a veteran of the road like Ravenica would never carry more than she had to.
And given that she probably packed in the morning and unpacked every single night You're saying that someone here took it.
Autolycus could have taken that, too! -Of course, I could have.
-No, it's not his style.
Whoever did this, was sloppy.
-And dumb.
-And they repacked in a hurry.
You can tell all that by just looking? Well, think about it.
Ravenica's maps were all squished up on the bottom with her fruit.
Whereas heavier, less necessary items were on top.
Maybe she liked her pears bruised.
She's your mother.
Yeah, well Mom, I can tell you one thing she didn't like for sure and that's lavendar perfume.
No bounty hunter worth her salt would wear perfume of any kind.
They'd smell her before she got close enough to pounce.
Smells lavendery, all right.
That's impossible, Xena.
The only one who wears lavender perfume here would be -Me? -Oh, wait a minute, now.
Sure, sure, it looks bad.
Lila in the bedroom with a knife -But as obvious as that may seem -Obvious? -Joxer, these things always smell of -Da, da, da! Please, I'm tryin' to help you out, here.
Now, look.
Lila couldn't have killed Ravenica.
Why, at the time of the murder, her whereabouts were completely, unequivocally, and without a doubt unknown.
Which is not to say she was anywhere near the bedroom at the time of the murder.
So Oh, oh, oh.
Ok.
I I admit that, when I saw Ravenica with her back to the corner and her eyes on the door, I did think it was odd.
But I never touched her things, no matter how they smell.
You see, Xena? You can't suspect Lila.
Until I find out exactly who did it, I suspect everyone.
Come on, Gabrielle, I need your help.
Autolycus, yours too.
Joxer Don't need your help.
I'll just keep an eye on these.
Thank you.
It's ridiculous! It's our family we're talking about.
Our friends.
None of them would commit cold-blooded murder.
Well, much as this scares me to say this, I think she's right this time, Xena.
Oh, you do? Look at that.
Now, that is so odd.
Looks like kindling.
It is kindling.
But do either of you see a woodpile in this room? No.
A fireplace? No.
A stove? No.
Do you know what that means? -No.
-Me neither.
There are three candles on the floor and two more up here, but there was only space for four.
So where did the fifth candle come from? There's no way anyone came through here.
How about the door? Locked as well, from the inside.
And who discovered that? Someone with motive enough for murder? Someone who's trying to confuse us? Someone who's looking to beat this rap the best he can no matter what the cost.
I did it.
Boy Whatever Mom's been putting in her grub didn't agree with her.
Check it out.
Look at this rash.
Is that blood? No, it's ink.
There's a large bump on the skull underneath it? How did that get there? Well, whoever did it didn't force their way in because there are no pick marks on the lock.
And the hinges have dust all over them.
So the real question here is Who has the key? That would be me.
I found it when I broke in! No, the real question is Who locked the door from the inside? Was it Ravenica or the murderer? I'll get back to you.
You know, if she were short enough she could have been stabbed through the keyhole.
Excellent deduction, Gabrielle.
But I think the knife is the key.
I still say it was Minya in the bedroom with the knife! Will you can it? It's not some sort of game, you know.
She's right.
Discord has long ears.
She could show up at any time.
That's exactly my point! You keep talking about her ears like that, and she will show up! -She didn't mean it literally.
-Oh, yeah? -Ya big, dumb moron! -All right! All right.
Which of you owns this? I should tell you.
It's a little-known fact that every sheath bears the grooves left by the blade it holds.
And since no two blades are alike this knife can identify its owner.
Ok! It's mine, all right? -The knife's mine.
-See? I told you! It was her in the bedroom with the knife the whole time! -It was not! -It was.
Minya, you might have noticed that your knife was sticking out of her chest.
-In her heart? -No, her chest.
About half a hand below her heart, but still it was enough to kill her if she hadn't already been dead.
-You're saying the knife didn't kill her? -That's right.
Well, that's just perfect.
Instead of wrapping everything up, you're just spinning even more yarn to make things worse.
No, she isn't.
Because I killed Ravenica.
What are you saying? You can't have killed her.
-You weren't even here! -I know.
But if it wasn't the knife, it had to be me.
You see, I ran into Ravenica two days ago.
I heard she was hot on your trail, so I decided to slow her down a bit.
I thought I could get here first and warn you.
So I put Joxer's gravy recipe in her water bag.
That's inhuman! It was only enough to give her the trots for a couple of days, not enough to kill her.
Unless she was allergic to it.
And with the rash on the back of her neck, she had to be, which means I am the killer.
No! It was my recipe that did it.
Take me.
No one's going anywhere.
At least not just yet.
Look, this is as full as the day she filled it.
Check it out.
-That's my recipe.
-Ravenica never touched it.
She probably conserved supplies and drank rainwater.
Which means that Gabrielle never killed anyone.
Look, Xena, I'm tired of being jerked around.
You gave me till sunrise to jerk you around.
I lied.
Time flies when I'm having fun.
All right, that's enough.
That's enough! Shut up! Ok.
We don't have very much time, which means I'm gonna want some straight answers.
-Right.
-Starting with you! Me? What have I got to hide? Nothing but this.
You want it? Xena! Give it! Now, this has been missing from Ravenica's things since we first unpacked them.
I wouldn't mind betting that that third bounty scroll is somewhere in your bedroom.
Correctamundo? Where do you think you're goin', killer? Ok, ok! It all started when I got a note from Lila.
It was a love note doused with lavender.
Of course, I was flattered.
Who wouldn't be? Lila's terrific! But I'm already in love with Ga with gallivanting around, fighting for peace and justice.
So, naturally I decided to let her down -with a little note of my own.
-I'm sure she was crushed.
I did borrow little bits and pieces from Gabrielle's scrolls Do you have one of my scrolls? -Well -Go on with ya story, Joxer.
Just a minute! Some people, boy, I tell you, they'll never wait.
They'll just rip Well, if it isn't the famous assassin Goin' a little soft, aren't you, Jett? You see? She had mistaken me for my villainous twin brother.
Happens all the time.
-Ya got the wrong g! -Can it.
I've got bigger fish on the line.
But I'm warning you, Jett Get in my way, this won't be the only thing I rip in two.
Lavender? You are getting soft.
How do ya like that? So that's what killer her! It was Joxer, in his bedroom with an inkwell.
Hey, when I left her, she was stained but standing.
It was only later I went back to that room to get that little piece 'a scroll.
Stealthy as a jungle cat, I crept around the room searching everywhere.
Sure, my brother Jett's a coldhearted, merciless killer but family's family, right? You sure you didn't kill her by accident? You know, death by blunder? By lethal clumsiness? Positive! And you oughtta know that better than anyone, Autolycus! What do you mean, Joxer? Only that I wasn't the last person to see Ravenica alive.
-You mean you saw her with Autolycus? -Well Not exactly.
Ravenica, wait.
Slow down.
Please, just listen to me.
Why? You've got nothing to say I want to hear.
No, please, don't be like this.
How should I be after what you did? Good horsey.
Quiet, horsey.
Oh, he's hearing things.
Come on Are you gonna believe this blowhard or me, huh? Oh, all right.
I admit that I knew her.
We even did a few jobs together a while back.
But then, all of a sudden, she starts to collect bounties on guys like me.
So I figure, well, if I just rob from her, it isn't really stealing.
It's more like payback.
The trouble is, Ravenica didn't share my point of view.
Oh, come on, Ravenica You know I'd never lie to you.
You saying you didn't steal my diamonds last night? If I had, would I be right here at the very next tavern down the road? No.
I'd be pawning them in Athens by now.
Then why are you here? I think we both know the answer to that.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
That's not what I heard.
Oh, come on, Ravenica You know I'd never lie to you.
You saying you didn't steal my diamonds last night? If I had, would I be right here at the very next tavern down the road? No.
I'd be pawning them in Athens by now.
-Then why are you here? -Because I know what you've become.
And if you think I'm gonna let you cash in on Xena, think again.
You did that for me? Yeah, ok.
I admit it.
But I Well, it's about time.
Ok, tall, dark and deadly.
Let's go.
-Wait, Discord.
Wait.
-What?! He didn't say that he killed her.
He only said that he warned her.
Killed her! Warned her! Who cares? Now, move! Before I make a mortal shish kebab.
Ok.
I just thought that maybe Ares wouldn't be that happy if he knew that you deliberately let someone escape retribution.
Fine.
You wanna play rough? I love rough.
So Here's the deal You either hand me the killer on my next trip or I'll take 'em all.
Your friends Your family Everyone.
That way, I know the killer won't escape me because none of you will.
All of us? -That's what she said.
-We're finished.
Not if you come clean and tell me everything.
For instance, where were you two during all of this? That's easy.
They were at the table talking.
I could see them both from the kitchen door.
I know that you might have seen them start a conversation, Mom, but I'm sure at some point it turned into a monologue, right? Well, we were just tryin' to protect you.
That's right.
When Minya told me who Ravenica was, I was only too glad to help.
Help do what? Well, it was my idea.
You think this storm is rough, huh? You should 'a seen the one that struck my village about four years ago.
Bad? With a capital "Beta".
Yeah, the wind was blowin' so hard that everything that wasn't tied down got blown away, you know? Like hayracks and livestock, small animals And rain? You know One guy, he thought it was the end of the world.
He wanted to build a big boat and sell double occupancies.
Yeah, I mean like it was wet.
Minya and I figured, without her horse, Ravenica wouldn't be able to follow you.
-Looking to steal my horse? -No.
I was just tryin' to calm them.
The storm's got 'em scared.
Looks to me like the only one who's scared out here is you.
Who is that in my room? Lila couldn't 'a used my knife on her.
She hadn't got back from the stables when Ravenica was killed.
So the figure I saw in the storm was Lila.
And the light that Ravenica saw in her room was Minya.
That's where the fifth candle came from.
When Ravenica headed out to the stables, I knew Lila was in trouble.
So I had to do something to draw her back inside.
I figured if she heard some men talking in her room that'd get her out of the stables and I could get away before she came back.
Unfortunately Everyone is so considerate here Taking care of my horse And And you're what? Making up my room? I don't know what came over me but seeing her standing there, knowin' who she was, what she does, I don't know, I guess I just saw red.
Catch! And I high-tailed it out of there.
I thought she'd follow me and like, have it out, but she didn't.
That's right, because she couldn't! -And it was Minya in the bedroom with the! -Quiet.
All right! All right! Now we've assembled the facts and there's one thing we know beyond the shadow of a doubt to be the indisputable truth.
Ravenica is dead, and someone here killed her.
Tell me somethin' I don't know.
I could ask you the same thing, Autolycus.
Tell us what we don't know about you and Ravenica.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, Autolycus.
But, Gabrielle, surely, he's already explained that.
I think it was slightly vague.
Like how you explained why you weren't in your room when Xena checked.
Gabrielle, this is Xena's mom.
I know that, Lila, and you're my sister.
But if there's blood on your hands Blood! Blood! Blood! Oh, no.
It's just ink.
But blood is thicker than ink, Joxer.
And the same blood flows in you that flows in your deadly brother, Jett.
You know what they say Blood will out.
But none of this explains why your knife was in Ravenica's chest.
Yeah, that's a good point.
What about that knife, huh? Ok, ok, all right! Those are the facts! It doesn't take an oracle to see our outcome.
Right.
We're all gonna die.
Well, Xena, time's up and I don't see you handing me the killer.
So, boys Let's get out of the way! In the other room! Go! How's that feel, pretty boy? Come on! No! Aw You might be good in bed, but you're hopeless in a fight.
Wait! Stop! Stop the fight.
I know who did it.
If this is a stall to try and buy your loser friends more time No stall.
And if you're not satisfied, you can take me.
That'll score you points with Ares, don't you think? -Show me.
-Ok.
Xena, will this do? Yeah, that's perfect.
You see, Lila and Minya were guilty of thinking like Ravenica.
Look at the bright side, horse No more hauling Xena around.
But Argo has an instinct for danger.
And she knew that something was up.
Ya see, the door was locked from the inside by Ravenica with a key.
But the window The window locks itself.
That still doesn't explain the knife in her chest.
The knife probably didn't go in much past the breastplate.
But it was in up to its hilt.
Not at first.
A horse kick to the chest, a hit to her head and a knife stuck in her chest.
But Ravenica was still alive until Oh, please.
Whaddya think? I'm some kind 'a moron? The first hit from the chandelier knocked her down and the second one killed her.
-She fell forward -Right onto the knife.
You're telling me your horse killed her? In self-defense.
Ya gotta admit It fits like a trojan glove.
But I can't take back a horse! I don't do animals! That's not what I heard.
This job sucks! -Is this what you're looking for? -Yeah! Thanks! I owe ya.
Are you kidding? If you hadn't distracted Ravenica who knows what she would have done to me? You're a real hero, Minya.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
Aw I guess I am.
Gaby Sophocles said that plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery.
It doesn't excuse the fact you took my scroll.
Ok.
You were willing to take my place with Discord.
I can forgive you.
She likes me.
Here, let me give you a hand.
These diamonds must be yours, Autolycus.
No.
No, mine are all here.
Must be your lucky day, Cyrene.
Must be.
Mom I'm really, really sorry that I suspected you.
I'm not.
'Cause it's true.
I would kill to protect you, Xena.
Any mother who loves her child would.
I'm just glad I don't have to.
You know When it's all said and done, it seems everyone behaved like they did for one reason.
Love.
For you For family I guess you're right.
So, do you still think they're capable of anything? Absolutely anything.
Now! Happy birthday! For she's another year older And that's a crying shame For she'll never get any younger And that's a crying shame