Abbott Elementary (2021) s04e20 Episode Script

1
Hey, y'all. Just a reminder,
until the leak in the gym is fixed,
it's off-limits.
Last thing we need is a parent slipping
and suing the school.
You guys, I'm trying to do printouts
for the open house tomorrow
and my laptop keeps crashing.
Does anybody have a functioning computer
I can jump on?
- Nope.
- Mine crashed twice this morning.
Yes, but you have to tap
my monitor three times
and say a little prayer
for the Wi-Fi to work.
[SIGHING] Yeah, so because the district
took away all of our stuff
from the golf course
and Ava gave away our funds
to other schools at the budget meeting,
Abbott's back to square one.
Not my favorite shape.
I'm more of a triangle girlie.
I actually played a triangle
in high school, if you
Anyway, we have a plan.
As part of the open house this year,
we are having a car wash to raise money.
Okay, before I blast this on socials
that I don't have to
pay to be verified on,
how much are we charging for the car wash?
Ah, we are not charging anything
and relying purely on donations.
[LAUGHS] You know, when you rely
on the kindness in people's hearts,
you start to realize there is no kindness
in people's hearts.
No, look, we lure people in
with a free car wash,
but then they see the cute kids
and us working extremely hard,
and they feel guilty.
And people will pay anything
to get rid of the guilt.
Hmm. Well, donations work wonders
for my church.
- [JANINE] Mm-hmm.
- My church promised me my own planet.
They better pay up.
Great, and are we
are we still gonna call it A.V.A. Fest,
- you know, to pay homage to Ava?
- [JANINE] Aw.
Yeah, if you want to pay homage
and a hefty licensing fee.
She trademarked A.V.A. Fest,
and she sent a cease and desist.
- [GREGORY] Mmm.
- [JANINE] How?
Girlfriend.
[MUSIC STOPS]
[LAUGHING] Thank you
for bringing me in today.
Tell Johnny I'm sorry
he had to ride on the ladder.
Ah, he's used to it.
Plus, he's rooting for us.
- [CLICKS TONGUE] Aw.
- [FIRE ENGINE HORN HONKS]
- Oh, duty calls.
- Oh.
Try not to pull any fire alarms
today, Mel.
I'll try. No promises.
Hey. What are you doing?
I'm getting my stuff ready
for the car wash.
I hope they put me on cupholders.
They're always so nasty.
Dia, can you have Mr. Johnson
disinfect the admin desk regularly?
The kids touch this,
and we've seen what they can do.
First of all, Mr. Johnson
is not my jurisdiction.
Second of all, it's open house.
[SIGHS] Right. I used to get
so stressed out about talking to parents,
but the full-time sub is
taking over my class,
which is such a relief.
Okay, yeah, but some of the parents
are gonna wanna talk to the principal,
- not just the teachers.
- [DIA] Yep.
It's like when you go to the store
and you wanna speak to the manager.
Yeah, never done that.
I've always been able to find a resolution
without escalating the situation.
[STAMMERS]
But Ava never talked to anybody.
Ava can get away with that. You ain't Ava.
- [DIA] No.
- [MELISSA CHUCKLES]
The parents are gonna wanna talk to you,
and they are gonna have
a lot of questions.
Well, I don't love the sound of that.
[STUTTERS] What should I prepare for?
- Prepare.
- [LAUGHING]
You can't prepare.
No, they're gonna throw everything at you.
Complaints, concerns, compliments.
But mostly complaints and concerns.
You're saying there's there's nothing
I can do to plan for this?
[IMITATING ROBOT]
[IN ROBOTIC VOICE] I am Greg-bot.
I cannot deviate from my plans.
- [DIA LAUGHS]
- [MELISSA IN NORMAL VOICE] That's you.
And here you go.
I'm not tall enough
to reach the top of the car.
Oh, that's okay. I'll get those spots.
[SCOFFS] You're like
a inch taller than me.
[GROANS] Okay, everyone.
If you don't have a parent,
then you're on car wash duty,
and we'll keep rotating, right?
- Are we ready?
- [ALL] Yes.
Guess what Guess
Guess what I found in the basement.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Last person who should have a megaphone.
I haven't got the timing down yet,
but I will when it's showtime.
- [MEGAPHONE FEEDBACK]
- [JANINE] Oh, my God.
Let it be known that I will not
be a scrubbing, rubbing or a dubbing,
and the only thing I buff are my nails.
But if you want somebody
to count your donations,
- I'm your gal.
- Okay.
Speaking of which, I made this
so we could keep track of all the dough
we make today, all right?
- [JANINE] Yes.
- Remember, we ain't doing this for free.
- Well, technically, we
- It is a highly suggested donation, okay?
And by "highly suggested,"
I mean you hold that tip jar
right up into their face
until it gets uncomfortable,
- which also works with divorce papers too.
- [JANINE] Mmm.
And I also invited all of the members
from my church,
- and you will never believe who is
- [BLOWER WHIRRING]
I blew dirt on all the cars
in the neighborhood
and the ones at the golf course too.
And don't worry, I wore a disguise.
Call me Mr. Morton.
Uh, hey, should we be worried
about the weather?
It says there's a high chance of rain.
The only thing there's a high chance of
is success.
- Guys, let's fill this thermometer.
- Yeah.
- [ALL] Yeah!
- [JACOB] That's right!
[SIGHS] Welcome to Abbott.
Hello, I'm Interim Principal Eddie.
[WHISPERS] Welcome to Abbott.
Hello, I'm Interim Principal Eddie.
Well, Mr. Interim Principal,
show 'em what you got.
Hi. Uh, welcome to Abbott.
I'm Interim Principal Eddie.
- [PARENT] Are you the new principal?
- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
I'm the interim principal, yeah.
You'll do.
Listen, my child is in 5th grade now,
and I have been
to every open house, A.V.A. Fest
or [SCOFFS] whatever you guys
are calling it these days,
and no one has been able
to answer my question.
Okay, well, I'll do my best,
but I just wanna reiterate
that I am the interim principal.
I know what interim means. Is he for real?
The school website does not explain
what any
of the extracurricular activities are.
Like, what is a garden goofball?
I'm really glad that you asked. I
actually run that after-school program.
Um [STAMMERS]
It teaches the students responsibility
while also learning about horticulture.
Right now, we're harvesting
strawberries, tomatoes, cabbage
- Cabbage?
- Yeah.
And sensory plants like scented herbs,
and lavender and a
mimosa plant for touch.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
Well, thank you, Interim Principal.
Yeah, no problem.
I'll make a note to update the website.
Mm-hmm.
I think I'm getting better at this.
Well, she did ask the one thing you know.
[SUCKS TEETH] This whole time I've
been giving you the
benefit of the doubt.
Um Oh. Hey, Gregory,
could you please come out right away?
Oh, no, what, is it raining?
No, just come outside.
We got a situation, so
[GREGORY] Okay, stay on the ground.
- [HORN HONKING]
- Hey! We don't have all day.
[BARBARA] Ooh.
I know I prayed for a good turnout,
but these hands were made
for praying, not for spraying.
I think we're gonna need more chamois.
- [CARS HORN HONKING]
- [BARBARA] Oh. Oh. Oh.
Morton, why aren't you helping?
And is this a sleeping bag?
Yeah, I just leased this all-electric car.
It's actually not a bad place to sleep,
which is really helpful
when you don't know if you're welcome
at home each night.
Okay, well, you're gonna get out
and finish it yourself.
[YELPS] Ava? Oh, my God, Ava.
Hey, what are you doing here?
I just finished
a speaking engagement in Jersey,
so [CHUCKLES] obviously,
I need a car wash.
I heard someone here had the dumb idea
to raise money by washing cars for free.
Well, that someone would disagree.
Listen, if you need the cash,
I have a list
of high-net-worth potential donors
in the top drawer of my old desk.
- You should hit 'em up.
- [BARBARA] I don't think we'll need to.
We've got cars lined up around the
block. I think we're gonna be just fine.
Okay, well, if you wanna turn down
good money [CHUCKLES] be my guest.
But wait a second,
we haven't even washed your car yet.
Y'all not touching my car
with them linen rags.
Try microfiber. Ugh.
What would y'all do without me?
[JANINE] That's a good idea.
Well, I will talk to the cafeteria
and let them know they don't need
to use MSG in everything, okay?
- Y'all have a good night.
- [PARENT 2] Thank you.
[SIGHS]
Hmm.
[INHALES SHARPLY] Amber. Hi. Um
[STAMMERS] Welcome to the open house.
Mm-hmm.
"Interim Principal Eddie."
Interim about sums you up.
[LAUGHS, SNORTS]
I heard your boring ass is
dating a teacher now.
That's a power imbalance.
You know what? That's a good point.
You know what? I actually have
to, um, go attend to something.
Wait. I recognize that slinking.
You dropped off a pizza to us
a couple weeks ago.
Left it on the sidewalk.
You know I got a doorbell cam.
Looking like Bigfoot.
Okay, listen,
so I didn't come to your door
because I wanted to wait
until tonight's open house
to tell you just how great Joel
and Megan have been doing.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
They're really thriving
in Ms. Cooper's class.
You should see their project
on the Constitution.
It's actually better than our current one.
Okay, I guess I'll check it out.
Thanks, Interim Principal Eddie.
[SIGHS]
That was a close call,
but you handled it well.
Thank you.
Even though you walk
like the alien in Signs.
Is she still doing it?
Okay. Just
We got another tip.
- [ALL CHEERING] Yeah.
- [JANINE] Oh, all right.
Awesome. Let's tally up our bounty
and see where we're at.
- [MELISSA DRUM ROLLING]
- [JANINE] Okay. Whoo.
Well, Mr. Johnson,
you wanna do the honors?
No, no. Mr. J, you've gotta do the line
above the zero, not below.
Y'all owe the thermometer money.
- Wait, what?
- Huh?
What do you mean? How is that
possible? We've been
working our butts off.
He's right. We've spent $275 on supplies.
We only made $163 in donations,
and 100 of that came from Ava.
Those damn gentrifiers
haven't been tipping.
Yeah, well, we should've expected
that. It's in their nature to be cheap.
All right, well, I will go, uh
- Drum up some more business.
- Ow!
Sorry. [THROUGH MEGAPHONE] Sorry.
Bye.
Gregory, we are losing money
on the car wash.
What? What about the tips?
Apparently, people
think we're in Europe.
And we only have a couple of hours left,
and I don't think
we're even gonna break even.
[MELISSA] Mm-mmm. [SIGHS]
Oh. Wait a minute.
Ava said she had a list
of high-net-worth potential donors.
She probably was collecting them
as eligible bachelors,
but maybe we can reach out.
Right. Yeah, that's worth a shot.
And if that doesn't work, we're screwed.
[BARBARA] Mm-hmm.
- I'm just being realistic.
- Mmm.
You know, there's some pretty
high-profile people
who attend my church
Barbara, is it Jesus?
Well, he's one of them.
Okay, well, let's take a beat on that,
and just focus on the ones
with phone numbers.
Okay.
Free car wash and a chance
to help children in need. Be a hero.
Hey, turn that thing down!
You're driving away my business!
Yep. Okay.
- Um. Oh.
- [SIRENS ON MEGAPHONE]
- [BARBARA] Ah. Hello. Oh.
- What's good?
I got the text message
about the fundraiser.
That's an interesting wallet.
Happy to support.
God bless you and your generous donation.
Thank you very much.
[JANINE SQUEALING] It's working.
Ava's list of high-net-worth donors
are actually coming through.
[BARBARA] Ooh.
- These guys are drug dealers.
- What?
Don't ask me how I know without
my lawyer being present, but it's true.
Hey, stay out of the trunk.
Yeah, maybe he's just
a private person, you know.
I don't want anyone snoopin'
in my trunk either.
Exactly. And we shouldn't profile anyone.
I mean, just because they have
a lot of money and nice cars
Hey, did you guys know these things
have a siren on 'em?
[SIRENS ON MEGAPHONE]
[TIRES SCREECH]
[BARBARA GASPS]
Yeah, these guys are drug dealers.
Told you.
And that's what we're doing
to improve all of your children's
reading comprehension levels.
- It's been quite efficacious.
- Efficacious.
Well, it takes a village, truly.
Thank you. You know, as interim principal,
I really wanna cultivate a workplace
rooted in mutual respect, and
[PARENT 3] 'Sup, bitch?
You let my son down.
[INHALES DEEPLY, SIGHS]
Maybe this is where drug money
should be going. Back
into the community.
Absolutely not.
Barb, you know,
you take away the drug dealer part,
- they're just small business owners.
- [JANINE] Mm-hmm.
She's got a point.
They don't say anything
about not smoking weed in the Bible.
They do say something
about a burning bush, though.
[LAUGHS]
Okay, I'm sorry. You're right. Okay?
But we're in the worst shape
we've ever been in,
and now we're not even gonna make enough
to build back what we lost.
[SIGHS]
So, how'd you guys do?
Based on those sad faces
and that icy thermometer,
I'm guessing not well?
Did you guys text
the drug dealers I told you about?
'Cause one thing about them is
they gonna text back fast.
We did [MUTTERING] but Barbara
won't let us to keep the money.
Mm-mmm.
Man, Barb, can't you just throw
some holy water on it or something?
Well, I guess we just wait
for the next budget meeting
and hope that luck is on our side.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [MELISSA CLICKS TONGUE]
Nah, we can make this work.
Uh, how?
We've only got an hour of daylight left.
See, this is what's wrong with y'all.
You're always thinking too small.
This presents us
with the opportunity to pivot.
A night car wash?
No.
Block party. Tear up that cease
and desist, y'all. [CHUCKLES]
'Cause A.V.A. Fest is back.
That's what we should've done
to begin with.
- [JANINE] All right! I love it.
- A.V.A. Fest.
You're welcome.
- [THUNDER RUMBLES]
- [GASPS]
Oh. I think the man upstairs has
something to say about that.
Well, so much for the block party.
Are you really gonna let
a little rain shut down A.V.A. Fest?
I'm so glad I didn't
license it to y'all.
You'd have killed the brand. [SCOFFS]
All we need to do is
move the block inside.
But it's practically raining
in the gym too.
That's the beauty of a block party.
It can happen anywhere.
Classrooms, hallways.
Now all we need are some attractions.
I'm a caricature artist.
Did it for 20 years on Coney Island.
What? Twenty years?
Well, might have been an afternoon,
seemed like 20 years.
Okay. There we go. Who else can do things?
- I can do tarot readings.
- Hmm. Predictable.
Janine, what about you?
Do you have a single money-making skill?
Um
I like to draw cute things
on the kids' tests,
so maybe I can do face painting.
Okay, I've seen those, so that'll be free.
But we could get Wendell
and the cafeteria staff
to put out food and drinks
and up charge the hell out of everybody.
Now the only thing left is a showstopper,
which I can make happen.
Ooh, oh. I've got someone
who can stop any show. He's
Sure, Barb,
bring your little church friend.
Just make sure they get out of the way
when I get Stevie Wonder to show up.
Ava, quit trying to trick the blind.
It almost worked two years ago when
I told him this was the Staples Center.
I'll get somebody. Are y'all in or not?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Yeah. But if it's Bon Jovi, someone
tell Captain Robinson it's been fun.
[BARBARA] Girl
Let's get to it.
I told you if his grades start slipping,
I was coming back for round two.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Did his grades actually slip?
Last time I checked, they were great.
Jabari had an A+ in spelling.
Now he's down to an A.
Says it's 'cause he misses you.
So yeah, that's on you, playboy.
Look, I had to step away from my class
to take over the interim principal job.
- That's not a real job. You made that up.
- It is.
I'm temporarily the principal right now,
but I still make sure to check in
with Jabari,
along with the rest of my students.
No, no, no, you built a bond with Jabari,
and now you let him down.
Do you know what that does
to his abandonment issues?
Darnell. I give you my word.
I will always be there for Jabari,
and I know you will too
considering how many times you done come
around here threatening to beat my ass.
And with both of us on Team Jabari,
I am certain he will be all right.
Okay. Okay. But if
his grades slip again
Mm-hmm. Really.
No, no, I'm playing. I'm playing, right?
- That was funny.
- Yeah. That was good.
- Okay? Yeah. You all right, man.
- Uh-huh.
It's okay. Hey, but you gotta stop
pushing my buttons, man.
You better not be looking
at that camera, I sw
Nah, I'm playing again. Seriously.
There you go with that. Doing callbacks.
Perfect.
Step right up!
See your true nature in a caricature or
have a sorceress tell you your fortune.
Or pay me $20 to roast your outfit,
30 if you want me to compliment it.
That shirt is ugly. First one's free.
How's it looking? Getting any warmer?
Yeah, it's better than the car wash,
but without a big closer,
we're not gonna make it.
Damn, Fergie booked
another national anthem. [SMACKS LIPS]
Jacob, quick, put on a wig
and pretend you're Kevin Bacon.
Like Footloose Kevin Bacon
or modern day car commercial Kevin?
I don't
My church contact came through.
Ava, did you book a closer?
I didn't, Barb, but Gerald doing
a Sunday school puppet show
about the great flood might not be enough.
Gerald's with his men's group
this evening.
- Actually, I got
- Hi.
- [ALL GASP]
- Hi.
Miss Jill Scott.
Hi.
Thank you so much for making this happen
with such short notice.
This lady has gone above and beyond
to make my godmother feel welcome
in the choir, and she can't even sing.
It's the least I could do.
And who's this fine fella with you? Hello.
Oh. This is Jax. He's my security.
I don't go anywhere without him.
There are a lot of weirdos out there.
- [JANINE] Yeah.
- [MELISSA] Sure are.
You know, somebody went
in my dressing room
and stole my ear monitors.
- What?
- What you gonna do with ear monitors?
- Yeah, that's weird.
- It's weird.
Well, welcome to Abbott Elementary.
And, um
- Jacob will take you somewhere.
- To somewhere. Yeah.
- You can go to Yeah.
- To the, um Yep. We go right this way.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
Thank you for coming.
[JANINE SQUEALS] Oh, my God.
I cannot believe you got Jill Scott.
- Well, the Lord
- Works in mysterious ways.
- Right, Barbara?
- [MELISSA] Mm-hmm.
- [JANINE] That's good.
- Yeah.
I knew he had a plan when he brought
Jill Scott's godmother
to our church choir,
and it wasn't
because we needed a crackly soprano.
[ALL CHEERING] Yeah! Whoo!
["GOLDEN" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
It's so good to be here with you.
You're charging more
than a Jill Scott concert.
Yeah. 'Cause this isn't
a Jill Scott concert. It's A.V.A. Fest.
Looks like the fire department's here
to shut us down.
Nah, he's with me.
Did I miss her sing-along walk?
I left Johnny alone with a kitchen fire
to get here on time.
No, not yet.
- [BEAT DROPS]
- [VOCALIZING]
Get up. Everybody get up.
I'm taking my freedom
Pulling it off the shelf ♪
Putting it on my chain
Wear it around my neck ♪
I'm taking my freedom
Putting it in my car ♪
Wherever I choose to go, yeah
It will take me far ♪
I am, am, am ♪
We did it. We did it.
Ava, this is amazing.
Honestly, some of my best work. [CHUCKLES]
I'm just curious though.
What made you come back?
You guys were spinning your wheels
with a car wash. [CHUCKLES]
Robots replaced sponges years ago.
Okay. I thought we would've been
the least of your concerns.
What, with your success
and the talks and all.
Yeah, I make a lot of money. Just
It just doesn't make me feel
Fulfilled?
Shut up, Janine.
Letting the joy unfold ♪
For some really annoying reason
that I can't explain,
I miss it here.
Ava, do you wanna come back?
That's not an option, okay?
That door is closed.
Okay, but maybe it doesn't have to be.
Look, a very wise person once said,
"Every new beginning comes
from some other beginning's end."
[SCOFFS] Okay. [CHUCKLES]
Look, if you wanna come back,
we can find a way to make it happen.
Like it's golden, golden ♪
Like it's important
Like it matters ♪
Like it's blessed Yeah, yeah ♪
I wanna come back.
I am, am, am
Living my life like it's golden ♪
Golden ♪
Golden ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
Abbott Elementary!
[CHEERING]
There was a lot of energy. [CHUCKLES]
Miss Scott, before you go, I was
wondering if I could
have your autograph.
I'm a huge fan.
Okay. No problem.
I heard you were coming,
so I went home and I grabbed these.
Is that my
Is that my scarf and my ear monitors?
Oh, those are hearing aids.
Hold up. I remember you.
You do?
You're the guy who came
to 37 of my shows in one year.
You saw my Instagram stories. Wow.
No. Artists are alerted whenever
someone attends ten
or more of their shows.
I see. So you never saw my tags. Noted.
You rushed my stage in Pittsburgh in '05,
and you stole my scarf
that scarf off of my neck.
You're the whole reason I hired Jax.
You're welcome for the job, Jax.
Okay. I'm out.
[MR. JOHNSON]
Hey, wait, I made you something.
Jax?
Livin' my life like it's golden
Livin' my life like it's golden ♪
Livin' my life like it's golden
Golden ♪