All In The Family s04e20 Episode Script
Lionel's Engagement
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The hit parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days How long has Lionel known this girl? About two months.
Only two months and they're engaged already? That's right.
I blame it on daylight-saving time.
Oh.
Well, when I was young, if a girl was going with a boy only two months, they were still strangers.
Why, I knew Archie a whole year before I even found out he was ticklish.
How did you--? How did you find out? It was an accident.
We was on the beach, and I was smearing suntan oil on Archie's back, and my hand slipped and slid along his ribs.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
You should have seen him! He jumped 3 feet! There's one other place that Archie's ticklish, but I didn't find that out till after we was married.
The soles of his feet! Well, Edith, are gonna be home in the next half-hour? Yeah.
Why? Because Lionel said he wanted to drop over and introduce his fiancée.
Oh! Good.
Oh, by the way, a week from Saturday, we are having a big engagement party and you're invited.
Wonderful.
You and Mike and Gloria.
And No ands, Edith.
What about Archie? Archie is not invited.
Edith, let's face it.
Archie and George can't stand each other.
Put them in the same room together, the party's over.
But, Louise-- Even if we invited Archie, he wouldn't come.
Believe me, Edith, we'll be making Archie happy by not inviting him.
Well, that's very thoughtful of you, Louise.
Well, I'm glad that's settled.
Well, can I help you with any of the baking or cooking? Oh, no.
Not this time.
It's going to be a catered affair.
We are hiring a room at the Monarch Hotel.
Oh, my! So long, Edith.
Ah-ha! Back, back, back, the two of youse.
Here's a surprise.
Get back there, get back there.
You'll never guess who I just met coming over here to see you.
Lionel and his fiancée.
That is so dumb, answering quick without even taking time to think! I'm sorry, Archie.
What's the surprise? Lionel and his fiancée.
Is the surprise over yet? Yeah, yeah, get in here.
EDITH: Hello, Lionel.
Hi, Mrs.
Bunker.
I'd like you to meet Jennie Willis.
Oh, how do you do, Jennie? Hello, Mrs.
Bunker.
Lionel's told me so much about you.
Nothing bad, I hope.
Oh, don't put her on the spot, Edith.
Ain't she pretty! Yes.
Lionel's a good picker.
Just like his father! Well, Jennie's a good picker too.
Oh, thank you, Mrs.
Bunker.
I wanna tell you, Lionel, it's a good thing, and I like it very much, your getting engaged.
I hope you're gonna follow through and get married.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
So, uh, when are youse two gonna tie the knot, you and your impending husband? Well, Lionel and I had a long talk about that, and we decided to wait until after Lionel graduates, because A, statistics show that the greatest amount of stress in a marriage occurs during that first year.
And that would be too much of a burden to put on Lionel while he's still at school.
B, if we wait, I could quit school, go to work so that we'll have that nice little nest egg to fall back on until Lionel finds a position.
And C, after Lionel establishes himself, I can go back to school, complete my education and pick up on my own career.
Ain't she something? I guess you know what you're doing, Lionel.
Lionel, it's really getting late, and I've got to be going, so EDITH: So soon? Oh, yes.
I've got a million things to do.
Would you believe I still don't have a dress for our engagement party? Bye-bye.
Bye.
EDITH: Goodbye.
I must say that that's a very nice thing you're doing there, Mrs.
J, giving the kids an engagement party.
Oh, it's not much.
We're just inviting the immediate family and a few close friends.
Oh, swell.
I'll be there.
Huh? Yeah.
I'll even bring the kids a present.
Oh, no.
You see-- Oh, no, no trouble at all.
Mrs.
J, you must know how I feel about Lionel.
I mean, I like him very much.
I practically watched the kid grow up.
Archie, you've only known Lionel four years.
But them were four very important years, Edith.
Them were the four years when the boy was coming into his pubertyhood.
But really, Archie, you don't-- No, no, no, no.
I mean, it's gonna be a real pleasure, because after all, Lionel and me-- When Lionel first come to this neighborhood, you remember, I took him under my wing.
Being colored, naturally he was a little green.
I taught him a few things, we become friends.
No, I'm gonna make that party.
I'm gonna be there with the bells on.
I gotta get home.
George's dinner's burning.
[BOTH MOUTHING.]
Aren't you taking something for granted about the engagement party? What are you talking about? Well, I heard you say you was coming, but I didn't hear Louise say you was invited.
Oh, use your head, Edith.
You heard what the woman said.
The immediate family and a few close friends.
Who could be closer than us? We live next door.
No way, Louise, you hear me? No way! George, calm down! That honky ain't coming to no party I'm giving, not for my son, you hear? Not while I'm alive! Will you calm down, George? Now, you sneaked in the rest of his family, but that's it, that's enough.
Now, I'm saying-- I'm saying enough.
E, double E, triple E, 'nough! George, if you don't wanna calm down, will you shut up! Who you telling to shut up? Do you see anybody else in this room? Now, you listen here, woman.
Don't you give me that "woman" jazz.
Don't you give me that jazz, woman! Now, you listen to me, George.
I am not crazy about Archie coming to our party either.
But now we've got to invite him.
Edith is a very good friend of mine, and I'm not gonna do anything to hurt her.
But you promised me, Louise, you promised.
You said no Archie! I know, but I can't help it.
Archie thinks he's invited.
What can I do? You can take your big mouth back over there and uninvite him, that's what you can do! I can't do that! Why? Because you're afraid of hurting his feelings? You just blame it on me.
You just go over there and you politely say, "Mr.
Bunker, I'm very sorry, "but I have to take back my invitation "because my husband, George, "says he doesn't want you at the party.
"He's very sorry.
He hopes you understand, you honky, you.
" That's all.
Is that your final word? That's it and you heard it.
Okay, fix your own dinner.
Oh, now you're gonna get dramatic, huh? Who you supposed to be? Doris Day? Do you see any freckles here? What about my dinner? Forget it! I'm going over there and tell Archie he's invited courtesy of you.
Over my dead body.
That's one way.
Hold it, Louise! My mind is made up.
And don't you dare say no, or you'll be eating your dinner through a straw! What? Louise, if you don't get back in here Hey, Ma.
Oh, my.
You came home at just the right time.
You mean dinner's ready? No.
Archie's in the bathroom.
Why is that just the right time? Well, you see, Louise was here, and she invited us to Lionel's engagement party.
Is that what sent Archie up to the bathroom? No.
GLORIA: Oh, I get it.
Daddy's throwing a temper tantrum because he doesn't want to go, right? Wrong, Gloria.
He's going.
Well, then what's the problem? He ain't invited.
Well, where did he get the idea that he was? Out of his own head.
That's the worst place he could've gotten anything from.
Ma, you gotta tell him.
How long can you keep putting it off? [TOILET FLUSHING.]
About 10 more seconds.
But I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Well, don't worry, Ma.
I'll tell him.
No, Gloria, let me handle it.
He's gonna be so mad.
That's all right.
I'm used to it.
Hey, Arch.
How are you doing? How's everything? What's new? New York, New Hampshire and New Jersey.
[LAUGHING.]
Funny, Arch.
Dinner's in a couple of minutes, Archie.
Ah, Daddy, I hear you're going to Lionel's engagement party.
Yeah, I gotta go.
I couldn't get out of it.
MICHAEL: Yeah, uh Arch, uh, I have something to tell you, and I don't think you're gonna like it.
What's new? I don't like nothing you tell me.
Arch, I'm serious.
You, uh-- You're not invited to Lionel's party.
What? [DOORBELL RINGING.]
I'll get that.
I ain't invited? Did you hear what that meathead just said? Oh, hi, Louise.
Come on in.
Thank you.
Oh, boy, am I glad you're here, there, Mrs.
J-- Before you say anything, Archie, there's something I've gotta tell you.
George insisted that I come over here and extend you a formal invitation.
George did that? There, what do you think of that? Louise-- Edith! George said he wasn't gonna touch solid food until I invited you.
So I'll see you at the party, Archie.
Oh, swell.
Hey, wait a minute, Mrs.
J, wait a minute, just before you go.
Listen, the formal invitation to me, that includes Edith, I hope.
Oh, of course.
Yeah, yeah, great.
And another thing, Mike and Gloria, they've been hinting around about going too.
Oh, they can come.
Yeah.
And would you just kind of extend the formal invitation to them too? Because they don't believe nothing I tell them.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Hey, everybody, Mrs.
J's got something to say to you here.
Mike, Gloria, Edith, you're all invited too.
Bye.
ALL: Bye.
Oh, Mrs.
J, look-- You got a very good heart.
Yeah.
Well, there you go.
What did I tell you, stupid? And you, Edith, don't you feel dopey now? Oh, yeah.
I guess I got it all mixed up.
"Got it all mixed up.
" Mixed up.
I bet I miss a lot of invitations this way.
[CONVERSATION & LAUGHTER.]
Oh, excuse me, will you, please? Oh, I'm so glad to see you enjoying yourselves.
Ted just told me the funniest joke.
It's about these two white dudes-- Shh! Not in front of the help.
Well, is everything okay, Mother Jefferson? As well as can be expected considering nobody's paying any attention to me.
My son George has hardly said a word to me all night.
But George can't help it.
He's very busy with the guests.
Too busy to speak to his own mother? How do you like the food? Let's not start an argument, Louise.
Now, listen, you know all you had to do was come to me, and I would've fixed some real food for this party.
You spend enough time in the kitchen.
We wanted you to be a guest.
Hmph.
What difference does it make? Nobody talks to me, anyway.
Excuse me.
George.
George! George, what have you been doing? Enjoying myself.
Why? Well, why don't you make yourself useful? Like what? Like getting your mother off my back.
What's the matter with Mama? Oh, don't get me started on that, George.
Now get over there and talk to her.
Let me get me a drink first.
Hey.
How's it going, Pop? Hey, son.
How are you? You take good care of this pretty little lady now.
Yeah, I'll do that.
I like your family, Lionel.
They all seem so nice.
Oh, they got you fooled too, huh? Listen, what happened to your folks? They'll be here soon.
Lionel, have you told your father about my parents yet? Oh, you mean about them being werewolves? Oh, be serious.
No, no, there's some things you don't tell my father till it's too late.
But, Lionel, I'm worried! Listen, relax.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Here, here! Lionel, didn't I teach you better than that? Ain't I doing it right? Look, lighten up on the girl.
Leave her enough lips to say, "I do.
" Hi, Mama.
Everything all right? Oh, everything is just lovely.
But Louise said you were upset about something.
Wherever did she get that idea? Why, George, it's a lovely party.
And don't you worry about the food being skimpy.
I'm sure nobody will notice that.
George, that's your second drink? Yes, this is my second drink, Ma.
I'll finish it for you.
Mama, you don't have to finish the drink for me.
George, you know, you're just like your daddy.
He couldn't drink.
I had to do all the drinking for him too.
Come on, Archie, this is the party.
Oh, Edith, you don't have to be nervous with the colored crowd.
Just keep your eye on me.
MAN: Hey.
Hi.
If you're looking for the Elks Club, it's down the hall.
Ah, no, no.
I ain't looking for that.
No, ah, no.
Do I look like an elk? Oh, hello, you two.
Hi there, Mrs.
J.
Hello, Louise.
Oh, so nice of you to come, Archie.
Yeah, I know.
Where is Mike and Gloria? I don't see them.
Oh, they're over at our house picking up some records.
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, yeah.
Now, can I introduce you to everybody? Well, to tell you the truth, Mrs.
J-- Or would you rather have a drink first? That's the guy I wanna meet, the bartender.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, look.
Hello, Mr.
Jefferson.
Oh, hi, Mrs.
Bunker.
Hey, Jefferson, there.
How are you? Listen, that formal invitation you sent by your wife, I think that was very white of you.
That's exactly the way I felt when I did it.
George, why don't you take Archie over to the bar and offer him a drink? Hey, Jefferson.
I seen you hosing down your porch yesterday.
Oh, yeah? When am I going to see you hosing down yours? Bartender.
Yes, sir? Get the man a drink, please.
What will it be, sir? Uh, whiskey.
Any particular brand? Yeah.
The expensive brand.
Ha! And what about you, sir? Scotch and soda, please.
Yes, sir.
Hey, hey, Jefferson, there's a switch for you, this guy giving you the big "Yes, sir.
" Why? He's the bartender, ain't he? Yeah, but what I meant was I'm used to having it the other way round.
Oh, yeah? How many servants you got in that mansion you living in? What do you mean by that? Let me tell you something about people.
There you are.
Thank you.
That bartender's willing to work for me, because if you got enough green in your pocket, then black becomes his favorite color.
George, that's your third drink.
I know that! Well, put it down.
Mama, will you leave me alone, please? I said put it down.
You've had enough.
Look, Mama, I'm a big boy now.
I don't need you to blow my nose for me.
Now, will you leave me alone? George Hey, there, Jefferson.
That ain't very nice, talking that way to your little mammy here.
Who you calling "mammy"? You.
Well, don't you dare call me "mammy.
" I'm nobody's mammy.
I'm his mother.
Now, if you got anything to say to me, you call me Mrs.
Jefferson.
Jeez, Mrs.
Jefferson-- Don't talk to me.
That's telling him, Ma.
And don't you try to make up to me either.
Oh, Mother Jefferson, what's wrong? Oh, don't.
I'm getting out of here.
George, what's going on? He called Mama "mammy.
" Oh! I didn't think I was doing nothing wrong.
I thought all colored people call their mothers Mammy.
Well, I did, Jefferson.
That's what I always heard.
Jeez, Al Jolson called his mother Mammy for years.
See that, Louise? You see? That's what you get for inviting whites.
Hi.
How are you? Fine.
Oh, hey! Uh, hey, if you're looking for the Elks Club, it's down the hall.
No, thanks.
I'm in the right place.
Oh, yeah? What are you, the caterer? No.
So, what are you doing here, a white guy? I'm a guest.
What are you doing here, a white guy? I'm the family's white friend.
Jennie! Oh, Mom! Hi! You look beautiful! Oh, so do you, baby.
So do you.
You see that little girl over there? That's the little girl Lionel's going to marry.
I know.
Know who that lady is hugging her? No.
She's my wife.
Oh, that-- Huh? Daddy! Hey, Jennie! Hi.
Oh, hi, Mr.
Willis.
Hi, Lionel.
Oh, I see you've met Mr.
Bunker.
Oh, yeah, we've met.
Yeah, yeah.
Lionel, shouldn't we introduce my parents to yours? Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, Lionel! Hey! Do you mean to tell me that your father ain't met that man? Uh, no, I'm going to introduce them right now.
This I got to see.
Mom, Pop.
Could you come over here a second? I got some people I want you to meet.
Hey, Jefferson, you're gonna love this.
Okay, okay, Mom, Pop, this is Jennie's parents, Mr.
and Mrs.
Willis.
Uh I'm very pleased to meet you.
How do you do? Mrs.
Jefferson.
Mr.
Jefferson.
You're white! And you're black.
It's a kick in the head, ain't it? Lionel, I want to talk to you.
You know, Jefferson, all the chickens coming home to the roost-- Please! There's not one-- Would you just excuse us, please? Listen, you know what I think? Would you excuse us, please? What the hell? I'll eat something.
Jennie, you didn't tell them, did you? No.
Why? Are you ashamed of us? No, you know better than that.
Then why? Well, I wanted to.
But Lionel thought it would be better to wait because his father is-- He certainly is.
George, I thought you said you liked Jennie.
That's before I met him.
Wait.
You don't know him.
I don't want to.
I don't want no white in-laws in my family.
They're going to be my in-laws, not yours.
Think, son, think.
What about your children? What they going to be? Oh, boys and girls, I hope.
Louis, we are not wanted here.
Helen, don't fly off the handle.
I want to leave and right now.
But, Mom, you-- Jennie, you stay out of this.
This is between your father and me.
Okay.
Okay! Have a good time.
Can't you tell when you've been insulted? Now, just don't get excited.
I am not getting excited.
I am getting mad.
Listen to them, Louise.
That's what happens when you mix black and white.
Ten more seconds, he's gonna call her, nigger.
Listen to that.
I ain't used that word in three years.
Louis! I'm getting madder.
Listen to this dame over here.
Another minute, she's gonna call him a honky.
Hello! Hi.
We brought the records.
Did we miss anything? Only the beginning of World War III.
What? I'll explain later.
Just play something quick, and loud! Oh, okay.
Louis-- Just take it easy! Or they'll think we're really fighting.
Who cares what they think? Ah, come on, now, Helen.
We've run into his kind before, black and white, and we've always been able to handle them.
Sure, because we never let them walk all over us.
We did something about it.
You want me to do something about it? All right, I am going to do something about it right now! [ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
Head near the door, Edith.
There's gonna be a race riot.
Mrs.
Jefferson.
Yes? May I have this dance? You certainly may.
Louise! I'm standing here! Sorry, he asked me first.
You see, Archie? No trouble at all.
You see that, what mixed marriage leads to? Mixed dancing! Mrs.
Willis, you have a lovely daughter.
Thank you.
I don't believe we've met.
Oh.
I'm Mrs.
Bunker.
I ain't one of the relatives.
I'm just a good friend.
Bunker, what is this world coming to? Beats me, Jefferson.
All I got to say is here's to yesterday.
Arch, you're wrong.
You're dead wrong.
Forget it, Michael! There's no sense arguing with Daddy.
There ain't no sense arguing.
Because I'm right, and I know I'm right.
All this business of mixing the colors, you go on with that, the first thing you know, the whole world's going to be one color.
Well, what's wrong with that, Archie? Can't you use your head? How the hell are we gonna tell each other apart? ["REMEMBERING YOU" PLAYING.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
Only two months and they're engaged already? That's right.
I blame it on daylight-saving time.
Oh.
Well, when I was young, if a girl was going with a boy only two months, they were still strangers.
Why, I knew Archie a whole year before I even found out he was ticklish.
How did you--? How did you find out? It was an accident.
We was on the beach, and I was smearing suntan oil on Archie's back, and my hand slipped and slid along his ribs.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
You should have seen him! He jumped 3 feet! There's one other place that Archie's ticklish, but I didn't find that out till after we was married.
The soles of his feet! Well, Edith, are gonna be home in the next half-hour? Yeah.
Why? Because Lionel said he wanted to drop over and introduce his fiancée.
Oh! Good.
Oh, by the way, a week from Saturday, we are having a big engagement party and you're invited.
Wonderful.
You and Mike and Gloria.
And No ands, Edith.
What about Archie? Archie is not invited.
Edith, let's face it.
Archie and George can't stand each other.
Put them in the same room together, the party's over.
But, Louise-- Even if we invited Archie, he wouldn't come.
Believe me, Edith, we'll be making Archie happy by not inviting him.
Well, that's very thoughtful of you, Louise.
Well, I'm glad that's settled.
Well, can I help you with any of the baking or cooking? Oh, no.
Not this time.
It's going to be a catered affair.
We are hiring a room at the Monarch Hotel.
Oh, my! So long, Edith.
Ah-ha! Back, back, back, the two of youse.
Here's a surprise.
Get back there, get back there.
You'll never guess who I just met coming over here to see you.
Lionel and his fiancée.
That is so dumb, answering quick without even taking time to think! I'm sorry, Archie.
What's the surprise? Lionel and his fiancée.
Is the surprise over yet? Yeah, yeah, get in here.
EDITH: Hello, Lionel.
Hi, Mrs.
Bunker.
I'd like you to meet Jennie Willis.
Oh, how do you do, Jennie? Hello, Mrs.
Bunker.
Lionel's told me so much about you.
Nothing bad, I hope.
Oh, don't put her on the spot, Edith.
Ain't she pretty! Yes.
Lionel's a good picker.
Just like his father! Well, Jennie's a good picker too.
Oh, thank you, Mrs.
Bunker.
I wanna tell you, Lionel, it's a good thing, and I like it very much, your getting engaged.
I hope you're gonna follow through and get married.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
So, uh, when are youse two gonna tie the knot, you and your impending husband? Well, Lionel and I had a long talk about that, and we decided to wait until after Lionel graduates, because A, statistics show that the greatest amount of stress in a marriage occurs during that first year.
And that would be too much of a burden to put on Lionel while he's still at school.
B, if we wait, I could quit school, go to work so that we'll have that nice little nest egg to fall back on until Lionel finds a position.
And C, after Lionel establishes himself, I can go back to school, complete my education and pick up on my own career.
Ain't she something? I guess you know what you're doing, Lionel.
Lionel, it's really getting late, and I've got to be going, so EDITH: So soon? Oh, yes.
I've got a million things to do.
Would you believe I still don't have a dress for our engagement party? Bye-bye.
Bye.
EDITH: Goodbye.
I must say that that's a very nice thing you're doing there, Mrs.
J, giving the kids an engagement party.
Oh, it's not much.
We're just inviting the immediate family and a few close friends.
Oh, swell.
I'll be there.
Huh? Yeah.
I'll even bring the kids a present.
Oh, no.
You see-- Oh, no, no trouble at all.
Mrs.
J, you must know how I feel about Lionel.
I mean, I like him very much.
I practically watched the kid grow up.
Archie, you've only known Lionel four years.
But them were four very important years, Edith.
Them were the four years when the boy was coming into his pubertyhood.
But really, Archie, you don't-- No, no, no, no.
I mean, it's gonna be a real pleasure, because after all, Lionel and me-- When Lionel first come to this neighborhood, you remember, I took him under my wing.
Being colored, naturally he was a little green.
I taught him a few things, we become friends.
No, I'm gonna make that party.
I'm gonna be there with the bells on.
I gotta get home.
George's dinner's burning.
[BOTH MOUTHING.]
Aren't you taking something for granted about the engagement party? What are you talking about? Well, I heard you say you was coming, but I didn't hear Louise say you was invited.
Oh, use your head, Edith.
You heard what the woman said.
The immediate family and a few close friends.
Who could be closer than us? We live next door.
No way, Louise, you hear me? No way! George, calm down! That honky ain't coming to no party I'm giving, not for my son, you hear? Not while I'm alive! Will you calm down, George? Now, you sneaked in the rest of his family, but that's it, that's enough.
Now, I'm saying-- I'm saying enough.
E, double E, triple E, 'nough! George, if you don't wanna calm down, will you shut up! Who you telling to shut up? Do you see anybody else in this room? Now, you listen here, woman.
Don't you give me that "woman" jazz.
Don't you give me that jazz, woman! Now, you listen to me, George.
I am not crazy about Archie coming to our party either.
But now we've got to invite him.
Edith is a very good friend of mine, and I'm not gonna do anything to hurt her.
But you promised me, Louise, you promised.
You said no Archie! I know, but I can't help it.
Archie thinks he's invited.
What can I do? You can take your big mouth back over there and uninvite him, that's what you can do! I can't do that! Why? Because you're afraid of hurting his feelings? You just blame it on me.
You just go over there and you politely say, "Mr.
Bunker, I'm very sorry, "but I have to take back my invitation "because my husband, George, "says he doesn't want you at the party.
"He's very sorry.
He hopes you understand, you honky, you.
" That's all.
Is that your final word? That's it and you heard it.
Okay, fix your own dinner.
Oh, now you're gonna get dramatic, huh? Who you supposed to be? Doris Day? Do you see any freckles here? What about my dinner? Forget it! I'm going over there and tell Archie he's invited courtesy of you.
Over my dead body.
That's one way.
Hold it, Louise! My mind is made up.
And don't you dare say no, or you'll be eating your dinner through a straw! What? Louise, if you don't get back in here Hey, Ma.
Oh, my.
You came home at just the right time.
You mean dinner's ready? No.
Archie's in the bathroom.
Why is that just the right time? Well, you see, Louise was here, and she invited us to Lionel's engagement party.
Is that what sent Archie up to the bathroom? No.
GLORIA: Oh, I get it.
Daddy's throwing a temper tantrum because he doesn't want to go, right? Wrong, Gloria.
He's going.
Well, then what's the problem? He ain't invited.
Well, where did he get the idea that he was? Out of his own head.
That's the worst place he could've gotten anything from.
Ma, you gotta tell him.
How long can you keep putting it off? [TOILET FLUSHING.]
About 10 more seconds.
But I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Well, don't worry, Ma.
I'll tell him.
No, Gloria, let me handle it.
He's gonna be so mad.
That's all right.
I'm used to it.
Hey, Arch.
How are you doing? How's everything? What's new? New York, New Hampshire and New Jersey.
[LAUGHING.]
Funny, Arch.
Dinner's in a couple of minutes, Archie.
Ah, Daddy, I hear you're going to Lionel's engagement party.
Yeah, I gotta go.
I couldn't get out of it.
MICHAEL: Yeah, uh Arch, uh, I have something to tell you, and I don't think you're gonna like it.
What's new? I don't like nothing you tell me.
Arch, I'm serious.
You, uh-- You're not invited to Lionel's party.
What? [DOORBELL RINGING.]
I'll get that.
I ain't invited? Did you hear what that meathead just said? Oh, hi, Louise.
Come on in.
Thank you.
Oh, boy, am I glad you're here, there, Mrs.
J-- Before you say anything, Archie, there's something I've gotta tell you.
George insisted that I come over here and extend you a formal invitation.
George did that? There, what do you think of that? Louise-- Edith! George said he wasn't gonna touch solid food until I invited you.
So I'll see you at the party, Archie.
Oh, swell.
Hey, wait a minute, Mrs.
J, wait a minute, just before you go.
Listen, the formal invitation to me, that includes Edith, I hope.
Oh, of course.
Yeah, yeah, great.
And another thing, Mike and Gloria, they've been hinting around about going too.
Oh, they can come.
Yeah.
And would you just kind of extend the formal invitation to them too? Because they don't believe nothing I tell them.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Hey, everybody, Mrs.
J's got something to say to you here.
Mike, Gloria, Edith, you're all invited too.
Bye.
ALL: Bye.
Oh, Mrs.
J, look-- You got a very good heart.
Yeah.
Well, there you go.
What did I tell you, stupid? And you, Edith, don't you feel dopey now? Oh, yeah.
I guess I got it all mixed up.
"Got it all mixed up.
" Mixed up.
I bet I miss a lot of invitations this way.
[CONVERSATION & LAUGHTER.]
Oh, excuse me, will you, please? Oh, I'm so glad to see you enjoying yourselves.
Ted just told me the funniest joke.
It's about these two white dudes-- Shh! Not in front of the help.
Well, is everything okay, Mother Jefferson? As well as can be expected considering nobody's paying any attention to me.
My son George has hardly said a word to me all night.
But George can't help it.
He's very busy with the guests.
Too busy to speak to his own mother? How do you like the food? Let's not start an argument, Louise.
Now, listen, you know all you had to do was come to me, and I would've fixed some real food for this party.
You spend enough time in the kitchen.
We wanted you to be a guest.
Hmph.
What difference does it make? Nobody talks to me, anyway.
Excuse me.
George.
George! George, what have you been doing? Enjoying myself.
Why? Well, why don't you make yourself useful? Like what? Like getting your mother off my back.
What's the matter with Mama? Oh, don't get me started on that, George.
Now get over there and talk to her.
Let me get me a drink first.
Hey.
How's it going, Pop? Hey, son.
How are you? You take good care of this pretty little lady now.
Yeah, I'll do that.
I like your family, Lionel.
They all seem so nice.
Oh, they got you fooled too, huh? Listen, what happened to your folks? They'll be here soon.
Lionel, have you told your father about my parents yet? Oh, you mean about them being werewolves? Oh, be serious.
No, no, there's some things you don't tell my father till it's too late.
But, Lionel, I'm worried! Listen, relax.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Here, here! Lionel, didn't I teach you better than that? Ain't I doing it right? Look, lighten up on the girl.
Leave her enough lips to say, "I do.
" Hi, Mama.
Everything all right? Oh, everything is just lovely.
But Louise said you were upset about something.
Wherever did she get that idea? Why, George, it's a lovely party.
And don't you worry about the food being skimpy.
I'm sure nobody will notice that.
George, that's your second drink? Yes, this is my second drink, Ma.
I'll finish it for you.
Mama, you don't have to finish the drink for me.
George, you know, you're just like your daddy.
He couldn't drink.
I had to do all the drinking for him too.
Come on, Archie, this is the party.
Oh, Edith, you don't have to be nervous with the colored crowd.
Just keep your eye on me.
MAN: Hey.
Hi.
If you're looking for the Elks Club, it's down the hall.
Ah, no, no.
I ain't looking for that.
No, ah, no.
Do I look like an elk? Oh, hello, you two.
Hi there, Mrs.
J.
Hello, Louise.
Oh, so nice of you to come, Archie.
Yeah, I know.
Where is Mike and Gloria? I don't see them.
Oh, they're over at our house picking up some records.
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, yeah.
Now, can I introduce you to everybody? Well, to tell you the truth, Mrs.
J-- Or would you rather have a drink first? That's the guy I wanna meet, the bartender.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, look.
Hello, Mr.
Jefferson.
Oh, hi, Mrs.
Bunker.
Hey, Jefferson, there.
How are you? Listen, that formal invitation you sent by your wife, I think that was very white of you.
That's exactly the way I felt when I did it.
George, why don't you take Archie over to the bar and offer him a drink? Hey, Jefferson.
I seen you hosing down your porch yesterday.
Oh, yeah? When am I going to see you hosing down yours? Bartender.
Yes, sir? Get the man a drink, please.
What will it be, sir? Uh, whiskey.
Any particular brand? Yeah.
The expensive brand.
Ha! And what about you, sir? Scotch and soda, please.
Yes, sir.
Hey, hey, Jefferson, there's a switch for you, this guy giving you the big "Yes, sir.
" Why? He's the bartender, ain't he? Yeah, but what I meant was I'm used to having it the other way round.
Oh, yeah? How many servants you got in that mansion you living in? What do you mean by that? Let me tell you something about people.
There you are.
Thank you.
That bartender's willing to work for me, because if you got enough green in your pocket, then black becomes his favorite color.
George, that's your third drink.
I know that! Well, put it down.
Mama, will you leave me alone, please? I said put it down.
You've had enough.
Look, Mama, I'm a big boy now.
I don't need you to blow my nose for me.
Now, will you leave me alone? George Hey, there, Jefferson.
That ain't very nice, talking that way to your little mammy here.
Who you calling "mammy"? You.
Well, don't you dare call me "mammy.
" I'm nobody's mammy.
I'm his mother.
Now, if you got anything to say to me, you call me Mrs.
Jefferson.
Jeez, Mrs.
Jefferson-- Don't talk to me.
That's telling him, Ma.
And don't you try to make up to me either.
Oh, Mother Jefferson, what's wrong? Oh, don't.
I'm getting out of here.
George, what's going on? He called Mama "mammy.
" Oh! I didn't think I was doing nothing wrong.
I thought all colored people call their mothers Mammy.
Well, I did, Jefferson.
That's what I always heard.
Jeez, Al Jolson called his mother Mammy for years.
See that, Louise? You see? That's what you get for inviting whites.
Hi.
How are you? Fine.
Oh, hey! Uh, hey, if you're looking for the Elks Club, it's down the hall.
No, thanks.
I'm in the right place.
Oh, yeah? What are you, the caterer? No.
So, what are you doing here, a white guy? I'm a guest.
What are you doing here, a white guy? I'm the family's white friend.
Jennie! Oh, Mom! Hi! You look beautiful! Oh, so do you, baby.
So do you.
You see that little girl over there? That's the little girl Lionel's going to marry.
I know.
Know who that lady is hugging her? No.
She's my wife.
Oh, that-- Huh? Daddy! Hey, Jennie! Hi.
Oh, hi, Mr.
Willis.
Hi, Lionel.
Oh, I see you've met Mr.
Bunker.
Oh, yeah, we've met.
Yeah, yeah.
Lionel, shouldn't we introduce my parents to yours? Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, Lionel! Hey! Do you mean to tell me that your father ain't met that man? Uh, no, I'm going to introduce them right now.
This I got to see.
Mom, Pop.
Could you come over here a second? I got some people I want you to meet.
Hey, Jefferson, you're gonna love this.
Okay, okay, Mom, Pop, this is Jennie's parents, Mr.
and Mrs.
Willis.
Uh I'm very pleased to meet you.
How do you do? Mrs.
Jefferson.
Mr.
Jefferson.
You're white! And you're black.
It's a kick in the head, ain't it? Lionel, I want to talk to you.
You know, Jefferson, all the chickens coming home to the roost-- Please! There's not one-- Would you just excuse us, please? Listen, you know what I think? Would you excuse us, please? What the hell? I'll eat something.
Jennie, you didn't tell them, did you? No.
Why? Are you ashamed of us? No, you know better than that.
Then why? Well, I wanted to.
But Lionel thought it would be better to wait because his father is-- He certainly is.
George, I thought you said you liked Jennie.
That's before I met him.
Wait.
You don't know him.
I don't want to.
I don't want no white in-laws in my family.
They're going to be my in-laws, not yours.
Think, son, think.
What about your children? What they going to be? Oh, boys and girls, I hope.
Louis, we are not wanted here.
Helen, don't fly off the handle.
I want to leave and right now.
But, Mom, you-- Jennie, you stay out of this.
This is between your father and me.
Okay.
Okay! Have a good time.
Can't you tell when you've been insulted? Now, just don't get excited.
I am not getting excited.
I am getting mad.
Listen to them, Louise.
That's what happens when you mix black and white.
Ten more seconds, he's gonna call her, nigger.
Listen to that.
I ain't used that word in three years.
Louis! I'm getting madder.
Listen to this dame over here.
Another minute, she's gonna call him a honky.
Hello! Hi.
We brought the records.
Did we miss anything? Only the beginning of World War III.
What? I'll explain later.
Just play something quick, and loud! Oh, okay.
Louis-- Just take it easy! Or they'll think we're really fighting.
Who cares what they think? Ah, come on, now, Helen.
We've run into his kind before, black and white, and we've always been able to handle them.
Sure, because we never let them walk all over us.
We did something about it.
You want me to do something about it? All right, I am going to do something about it right now! [ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
Head near the door, Edith.
There's gonna be a race riot.
Mrs.
Jefferson.
Yes? May I have this dance? You certainly may.
Louise! I'm standing here! Sorry, he asked me first.
You see, Archie? No trouble at all.
You see that, what mixed marriage leads to? Mixed dancing! Mrs.
Willis, you have a lovely daughter.
Thank you.
I don't believe we've met.
Oh.
I'm Mrs.
Bunker.
I ain't one of the relatives.
I'm just a good friend.
Bunker, what is this world coming to? Beats me, Jefferson.
All I got to say is here's to yesterday.
Arch, you're wrong.
You're dead wrong.
Forget it, Michael! There's no sense arguing with Daddy.
There ain't no sense arguing.
Because I'm right, and I know I'm right.
All this business of mixing the colors, you go on with that, the first thing you know, the whole world's going to be one color.
Well, what's wrong with that, Archie? Can't you use your head? How the hell are we gonna tell each other apart? ["REMEMBERING YOU" PLAYING.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.