Black-ish (2014) s04e20 Episode Script

1 DRE: Staying happily married is hard.
The odds aren't great.
How many successful marriages can you think of? 53% of American marriages fail.
That's like playing Russian roulette with a gun that has three bullets in it.
[Men speaking Vietnamese.]
Now we got ourselves a game.
[Chuckles.]
Didi mao! [Gasps.]
You sure this a good idea? Mao! I thought you said you wanted a guys' night out.
[Panting.]
We're going to Buffalo Wild Wings after this.
Well, at least one of us will.
Didi mao! - Didi mao! - [Gun clicks.]
Every few years, Bow and I get into a bit of a funk.
Happens to everybody.
Not a big deal.
Unless you can't get back out which happens to half of everybody.
And as our latest funk kept getting funkier, I started to wonder if we had less of a shot than I thought.
[Radio playing indistinctly.]
[Indistinct conversations.]
My guy! Hi! Look at you and your book.
Who is she kidding? That baby can't read.
RAINBOW: We'll do the cake in like half an hour.
- Oh! - Charlie.
DRE: That's a big gift.
What'd you bring? It is not three loads of laundry inside of a gift bag.
I know that for sure.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna hide Devante's gift inside your washing machine.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Dre, uh, you wouldn't happen to have any Woolite I can pour all over Devante's gift, would you? Third drawer on the left.
- My man.
- Dre.
- Great party, guys! - Hey! Hey! Thank you.
- I cannot believe what a big boy he is.
- Ohh.
This little cutie must be walking all over the place.
Oh, he's not yet, but any day now.
- Yep.
- Yep, any day now.
Although all of our other children were walking by now.
Yes, but he came six weeks early, so he's creating his own developmental timelines.
Which apparently you're the only one that knows.
Yes, me and a whole bunch of physicians who used science to establish real milestones, and he is hitting all those milestones, so.
Huh, I guess the takeaway is that everything is great.
Ok, I-I'm going to go get a mimosa with those childless grown men over there who are pretending not to watch that woman breastfeed.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah, you go over there.
Hey, even Ronnie is surprised that he isn't walking yet, and she has four kids.
Ronnie is a chiropractor, so she doesn't know anything.
Yeah, a chiropractor with babies who walk.
You still don't think that's enough reason to go to the doctor? No, I really don't, Dre, and I am a doctor.
And like I've told you hundreds of times, Devante's gonna be fine.
Hmm.
Okay? Please stop worrying.
- All right, oh.
- Please.
Come here, sweetie.
[Baby talking.]
Come with me.
Come with me.
Okay, come on.
Why do we have a bouncy house for a 1-year-old's birthday party? Because Devante told me it's what he wants.
Although he really wishes this had a water feature.
He said all this to you? When did he learn to speak? I don't know.
Okay.
Ooh, look at tha Mmm.
"Happy birthday, Durante?" Psh.
I gave them the right name.
Why didn't you check it when you picked it up? Wow.
Okay, that became my fault really quickly.
- All you had to do was check it.
- Yep.
Well, thanks for ruining my Saturday, Dre.
- What? - You see, where I come from, a "child's birthday" is code for scoring cocaine.
- What the hell are y - Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to a child's birthday.
Thanks for nothing Durante.
RAINBOW: Ugh.
Did you really ask every single parent when their kids started walking? I wasn't just asking them about that.
I was also curious to learn when their kids started matching their shirts with their sneakers.
Okay, Junior's gonna get there, - and so is Devante.
- Yeah.
Dre, you just got to stop bringing it up with people.
It's It's creepy.
- Okay, well - It's, like, weird.
what am I supposed to do when people like Ronnie bring it up to me? Say, "no comment"? "But why isn't your son walking?" "No comment.
" "Why is your son rocking an Adidas sweatshirt with Jordans?" "First off, that's not my son, and no comment.
" What are you doing? You didn't wash the back.
You know what? Next time, you just do it yourself, okay, because I'm out of the plate-washing game.
I didn't know you were ever in the plate-washing game.
What's going on with us? I don't know.
We're just off.
[Sighing.]
Yeah.
Maybe just it's like we're not connecting.
I know.
I hate it.
Me, too.
Babe, this doesn't feel like us.
I know, I know.
Maybe we should go back to couple's therapy.
Go see Dr.
Ima for a tune-up or something.
It's been a while.
Mm-hmm.
Couldn't hurt.
I think it'll be good.
- Okay.
- Okay? All right.
Mmm.
CHARLIE: This feels like a private conversation - that I'm interrupting.
- Oh, my God.
It's just the fact that your dryer is having a real problem with Devante's baby gift of a king-sized adult-stained duvet.
- [Sighs.]
- You know what, forget about it.
I'll make it work.
Just, uh, point me to the, uh, clothespins.
Th [Stammering.]
I'll make it work, don't worry.
So Bow and I went back to therapy.
All we needed was a friendly, little tune-up.
Durante? Oh so you're still on that, huh? Okay, well, you didn't say anything about the balloons or the streamers or the great idea I had to get him a smash cake, which he had a ball with, which you would've never thought of.
Why would I have thought of it? I never had one growing up.
- Of course you never had one growing up.
- What? You were never allowed to eat sugar, flour, dairy, or anything that produces joy and happiness.
This is what I live with.
And I live with someone who doesn't care our son isn't walking yet! You can't force him to walk.
I'm helping him to walk.
You just don't get it.
Dragging him around by his arms isn't gonna help him learn to walk.
O-Okay, well, tell me what will help him, since you have all the answers.
Why do you always do that? I'm gonna stop you.
We're getting into bickering, and this isn't productive.
After this many years of marriage and having a new baby, - things - And a dog.
- Things - And both of his parents.
- Wh - Both of them.
Things have gotten away from you.
It happens.
You've got to breathe, remember you're on the same team, and devote some time to each other.
How are we gonna do that? Yeah, I mean, I have so much going on.
I'm not talking about anything radical just a simple night of reconnection.
A date night.
It's a chance to focus on each other.
It's saying, "I know there's a world around me, but what's important is in front of me.
" It has been forever since we actually just went out.
Just us.
I don't remember the last time we did that.
Pick a night.
Right now.
Choose each other.
How about Thursday? I can do Thur I can make that work.
- I can make Thursday work.
- Me, too.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
JACK: Guys, look! The bouncy house is still here! Oh, my God.
Thank you, God.
Thank you.
I know you saw my pure heart.
God had nothing to do with this.
- Whoo! - Grandma's seen this hustle before.
Man "forgets" to pick it up, then charges you for the extra day.
Oh, no! A scam like that could cost Mom and Dad twenties of dollars! [Sighs.]
This is incredible! Maybe we can keep this forever! Yeah, that's exactly what he needs more brain jostling.
Oh, I could live out here.
And you definitely should! I'll give you all my tooth fairy money if you help me get his bed out of my room.
Check this out.
You know what, uh, how's the steak? - It's - Eh, i-it doesn't matter because I am going to go with the scampi.
- Okay.
- Scampi's good, right? - It's very - Uh Between the scampi and the chicken, which would you recommend? Ah, you know what? Don't Don't even worry about it because I am gonna go for the steak.
- Okay, and I wi - No! [Clears throat.]
Scampi.
Yep, yep.
Scampi.
I'm done.
Oh.
I'll have the trout, please.
- BOTH: Thank you.
- Thanks.
Are you seriously streaming ESPN Plus right now? I have to enjoy something tonight.
Mm.
You know what, babe? I'm sorry about the ordering thing.
Oh, God.
Please, no.
It's fine.
I'm actually really glad we did this.
- Yeah.
- It's nice.
- It is.
- It's nice.
- Mm-hmm.
Yep.
- Yes, yes.
[Singsong.]
Cheers! Cheers.
You look nice.
You don't have to do that.
No, I mean it, babe.
You look nice.
Thank you.
It's actually really nice to hear.
"Actually"? I compliment you all the time.
[Sighs.]
Okay, Dre.
You say that like I don't compliment you.
Baby, I compliment you.
Okay.
More than you compliment me.
Hm.
- That's why I said "okay," Dre.
- Uh-huh.
Because no matter what I said, you would turn it into a big deal because you turn everything into a big deal.
Oh, I make a big deal out of everything? [Sighs.]
Yes, the same way you're making a big deal out of the fact that I said you make a big deal out of everything.
Okay, well, now I feel like it's a set-up.
You know, everything I say is automatically a big deal.
It's exactly what you did at the therapist's office - about Devante.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, you wouldn't stop talking about it because you're obsessed.
[Scoffing.]
Oh, you got me.
I'm obsessed with my baby's health.
A loving father who cares about his child.
Ooh, such a monster.
Fine.
I'm the bad guy.
Finally, you admit it.
- Dre, what's wrong with you? - What? Wh Do you know how hard it is dealing with you constantly? Like you are a kiss of sunshine.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Where is our food? We can leave right now.
We don't have to eat here.
You don't even know what you ordered.
- Steak.
- Scampi.
I said steak.
No scampi.
He thinks you ordered scampi.
Ok, well, he'll be wrong.
[Sighs.]
So somehow, our date night had turned into another fight.
- Are we really doing this? - This is whack.
This whole thing is whack.
We just need to get back into our flow.
Right.
We have a flow? We definitely have a flow.
You love our flow.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Flow looks good on you, too, baby.
- [Chuckling.]
[Laughs.]
Let's do it.
Oh, you know I'm down.
Mm-hmm.
[Both laugh.]
You know, I would be more down tomorrow, because I think I overdid it with the "scrimp.
" Even better because, you know what, if we do it tomorrow night, we can plan it, we can make it really special.
- Great.
- Yeah.
Tomorrow means we can get dessert.
Tonight.
[Both laugh.]
- Whoo! - [Laughs.]
Okay, Mason, are you enjoying these jumps? Yeah.
- Fun, right? - Uh-huh.
That was just your trial membership.
Time to get real.
Here are your bouncing packages.
What's happening? [Scoffs.]
Diane, stop.
It's not fun when you bring money into it.
No, Jack.
It isn't fun until you bring money into it.
Now, Mason, you can do 50 cents a jump, or jump unlimited the whole day for $50.
Unlimited sounds good.
Of course it does.
Do you want to talk night rates now or wait until magic hour? I just want to jump.
That's adorable.
- [Laughs.]
- Yeah.
So just like that, it was on.
All day long, my elegant, sophisticated wife had been sexting me like a drunk sorority girl.
And it felt good having a little secret just between us.
- Dre.
- Hey.
How was couples' therapy? Wait a minute, you didn't save your marriage, did you? Because I can't take these flowers back to the cemetery.
It's It's haunted.
I-I'm sorry, but if you were trying couples' therapy, it's already over.
But on the bright side, you are about to get invited to my yacht parties.
BYO horse tranquilizers.
Okay, guys, my marriage is fine, and couples' therapy is just something that normal, happy husbands and wives do to maintain happy marriages.
You got a white girl on the side, don't you? - What? - Is it her? O-Or is it her? Hey! White woman! Are you having sex with Black Dre? I do not have a side chick, Daphne, okay? I love my wife, but sometimes couples need to be reminded that you are on the same team and that you need to devote a little extra time to one another.
She didn't make you go on a date night, did she? She didn't make me do anything.
I mean [stammering.]
And date nights are great.
They're just a way to say that, "I know there's a world around me, but what's important is in front of me.
" Are you saying that you chose to go out with your wife - for no reason? - Yeah.
Hilarious.
You know what? Keep an eye out for the real kiss of death scheduled sex.
What's What's wrong with scheduled sex? [Chuckles.]
People don't schedule sex, Dre.
That's crazy.
Any time I've had sex, it's always been a surprise.
A surprise for who? For me because I'm a freak in the gym.
You remember that.
I think scheduled sex is a great idea.
That way I don't walk in on my mom.
- Oof.
- Dre! You don't have to schedule it.
Just whip it out.
White girls love that.
I It's that bitch, isn't it? - What? - Rita, come here.
Talk to you.
STEVENS: You and Rita? Ooh, a lot of horses run on that track.
Ugh.
I wasn't gonna let these idiots at work get in my head.
Scheduled sex may have had a bad rap, but I was about to get in there and change the game.
[Chuckling.]
Hey.
[Chuckles.]
Hey.
[Chuckling.]
[Clears throat.]
Hey.
- So - Hmm? - Wait, are w are we? Are we gonna - We are.
- Oh, we are.
Okay, okay.
- Oh, w-we are.
- I-I okay.
- Oh, no, this Okay.
[Stammering.]
Okay.
Should we just Should we just, like, go in? - Oh.
- Should we do it? - Why not? Just go in.
- Okay.
- Come here.
- Okay.
Mmm.
- Oh, I like that.
- I like that, too.
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
- Ow, ooh, my finger's stuck.
- What are Okay, so - Were you trying to take it out? - Yeah, I was Wh I thought maybe you might like it down, babe.
Okay, no.
[Sighs.]
Okay.
Well, you know, let's just put it back up.
Okay, keep Just leave it.
I got it, I got it.
Seriously, I've got it.
I got it.
What's wrong, Bow? Dre Everything Everything's got to be the way you want it.
What? Like my hair and music and Devante.
Are you seriously bringing Devante into this right now? I'm sorry.
Wh Because Because you weren't the one that brought it up? 'Cause that's all I do, huh? Yes, Dre.
You're always talking about how you're worried that he's behind schedule.
Because I am! - Okay, but you're always ta - [Devante cries.]
[Sighs.]
Great, well [Stammering.]
Okay, so, I-I'll just go get him - the way I always do.
- Wait, what are you what are you talking about? I get him just as much as you do.
Whatever, Dre.
You know what, it's cool.
- I said I was gonna do it.
- Hey, it's cool.
- I got it, all right? - I said I said I'll go.
- I'll get him.
- I'll do it.
I'll get him, that way you won't hold this over my head like you do with everything else.
I I don't do that.
- Oh.
- Coming! - Hey! What's wrong, boop-boop, huh? - We're coming, honey.
Oh, somebody's up.
- Hi, bubba.
- Mm-hmm.
- You can't sleep? - Come on, let's go.
Come on.
- Babe, can you please stop - What are you gonna do? Come on.
- pulling him around by his arms? - Come on.
- Just let him be.
- [Sniffs.]
Oh, somebody needs their diaper changed.
- [Sighs.]
- All right, you know what? - Oh, we're out.
Okay.
- Oh, I'll go get them.
No, babe.
I know where they are.
I'll get them from downstairs.
- It's okay, I'll do it.
- No, babe, I'll get them, all right? - Why are you making this a thing? - Ooh.
I - Oh, my God.
- [Gasps.]
Oh, my God.
Big problems usually don't get solved all at once, but sometimes real change can start with something as small as baby steps.
[Both sigh.]
Well, little man went out like a light.
[Laughs.]
Those four steps, whoo, got his blood flowing.
Oh, my God.
He was so cute.
- Mm.
- Like a little sailor.
Yeah, he was.
I don't think I could be any more relieved right now.
"Relieved"? I thought you were so sure that everything was gonna be fine.
[Scoffs.]
I never said I was sure about anything.
I was just as worried as you, I just I mean, being worried isn't gonna help the situation.
Oh, hold on.
You You thought something might've been wrong with our son, and you were just gonna sit back and roll the dice and not do anything about it? Dre [Sighs.]
I see what all those kids go through with those developmental tests, and it is so hard on those babies, and I just didn't want Devante to have to go through that if he didn't need it.
Okay, if you felt like that, why didn't you let me know so I wouldn't feel like I was going through this by myself? Because I knew that you were gonna jump right into crisis mode and not let it play itself out.
Okay, and what if there happened to be a crisis? Okay.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Yeah.
[Scoffs.]
You are relentless, Dre.
This is why I didn't tell you how I was feeling.
- What? - Because you were gonna criticize me for not handling it exactly the way you do.
Uh, because I don't like the way you handle things.
[Sighs.]
You know what? I am starting to realize that you and I see the world differently.
Yeah, well, I think we do too.