Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s04e20 Episode Script
Dorky Housecall, M.D.
You got to admit the guy's got a razor-sharp pen.
I guess In a sophomoric kind of way.
Huh? I knew it.
I knew it.
You're bugged.
I'm flattered to be the latest in an illustrious line of celebrities Hank bellamy's roasted John Kennedy, Bob Dylan, Ross perot.
He was merciless with that guy's ears.
You patch the guy up, and he rewards you by lampooning you before millions of people.
I've put up with some very silly jokes in my career.
I've got a thick skin.
Besides, it's not millions.
He's syndicated.
I got a cousin in south Florida who read it.
You're big in trailer parks.
But that's not me.
I'm not dorky housecall.
It's an amalgam of Of all the 19-year-old doctors he's known.
No one in their right mind's going to equate me with this 19-year-old goofball.
Dr.
canfield.
Dr.
housecall.
It's just a publicity stunt to sell some records.
Pointy bras are one thing, but hitchhiking naked in Miami in broad daylight That's not the act of a sane woman.
Uh-oh.
Don't look now.
Look who just walked in Little miss nonexclusive.
I appreciate you being indignant on my behalf, but there's no need.
We broke up.
We're still friends.
No big deal.
Uh-huh.
Dr.
howser.
I'm tom Shepherd, first-year radiology resident.
Hi.
This is my friend Vinnie.
I heard all about you through medical school Eastman's resident genius.
Oh, really? Which is why this dorky housecall thing is so ridiculous.
Tom, don't worry about it.
We've discussed this, and he's perfectly happy being the object of public ridicule.
That's not quite what I said.
Sorry.
He's happy 'cause Ross perot's ears are bigger than his.
Yeah, that's closer.
Mind if I join you? Go ahead.
Michele, over here, honey.
Michele, do you know Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Hi, doogie.
Hi, Vinnie.
Michele.
Maybe you guys can give me some advice.
Happy to.
Well, you know the area, right? Where can I take an incredibly beautiful woman for some fine dining and romance? Uh, tom.
Uh Uh What? What is it? That's the universal sign language for "you're putting your foot in it," which in this case is totally unnecessary.
Michele and I used to date, but she wanted to see other guys.
I wasn't comfortable with that, so we broke up.
Just because our romantic relationship has ended doesn't mean we still can't be friends, right, Michele? No.
No, I mean, we we're all adults here, right? So, having said that, I know this wonderful little restaurant right outside Malibu Spumani.
Great.
I love Italian.
Candlelight, a private courtyard.
There's even a little path you can take to the beach to enjoy a little after-dinner Mint? I've always been fascinated by caricature.
You take a relatively unimportant aspect of a person's personality or appearance and blow it way out of proportion.
Can't you take a joke? The biggest challenge in a cartoon's keeping up that humor week after week.
The biggest challenge is opening the hate mail.
You been writing any? How's the cast? Any discomfort? No.
I'm very comfortable for a guy with half a hardware store in his arm.
When am I getting out of here? I broke my leg in second grade.
I was back at school in two days.
We're waiting for the results of the bone biopsy that Dr.
Stein performed.
We're concerned about the tissue.
Tissue? I hardly even know you.
The tissue surrounding the break It's what we call a pathologic fracture.
You wouldn't be doing this for revenge, would you, Dr.
housecall? No one wants you out of here faster than I do.
Oh, good evening, my angel of mercy, my bringer of mushy peas.
Oh, actually, it's, uh Mushy corn today, Mr.
bellamy.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Hello, doctor.
Nurse Faber.
Is it time for my bath, nurse? Should I get undressed? Should you? I have to draw the line at sexual harassment.
Excuse me, doctor.
I can draw my own line.
I'll be the one to let the patient know when he's crossed it.
God, beauty and brains.
If you have any legitimate requests, Mr.
bellamy, just ring.
All right.
Well, well, Dr.
housecall's chivalrous side has surfaced.
Are you this protective of all the nurses or just the ones with the big brown eyes? Oh, please.
Why so touchy? Have I stepped on an exposed nerve? Is there a hospital drama unfolding? No, there isn't.
Maybe it's already unfolded, or should I say unraveled? No more "meet me at midnight" In the linen closet"? Has it ever occurred to you that some things in life are not a joke? No, it hasn't, and I feel one coming on now.
Ahem.
Doogie, do you have a minute? Uh, yeah.
A minute.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to jump down your throat back there.
I know you were trying to help.
I'm still trying to figure out how to be tough and soft at the same time.
No need to apologize, Michele.
I don't blame you for trying to preserve your hard-won independence.
Excuse me.
Good morning, miss Jameson.
I'm Dr.
howser.
You're having some bronchial trouble.
I need to listen to your lungs, so unbutton your blouse.
I know who you are, young man.
I know what's on your dirty little mind.
Dr.
howser, can I talk with you a moment? It's about Hank bellamy.
I have a few choice words for him myself.
I'm not going to let him further his career at the expense of mine.
I think you better look at his biopsy results first.
Your arm broke because the bone was weakened by cancer.
It appears the cancer is fairly widespread.
We found evidence of metastatic lesions in your liver, your lungs, your chest wall.
It's going to require some aggressive treatment.
We have many options at our disposal Chemotherapy, experimental immunotherapy.
That going to cure me? Chemotherapy could extend your life.
What about zero therapy? I'm sorry? I know what you two are talking about.
You pump me full of chemicals, and I spend my days puking my guts out.
Tubes coming out of my nose, unsightly tufts of hair sprouting from my head at odd angles, which is a look I can live without, thank you very much.
On the other hand I I could pack my bags and And walk on out of here.
Then we'd only be able to treat you symptomatically, make you as comfortable as possible.
How long? It depends on how fast the lesions grow.
Cut the crap.
I'm just being honest.
Then look me right in the eye and say, "you poor bastard, you're really screwed now.
" Mr.
bellamy.
How long? It's difficu Six months, maybe a year.
Well Bravo Dr.
housecall.
I'm not.
Broken arm ain't what it used to be, hmm? Wait until you see my new car.
It's a beemer convertible with a bose stereo I installed myself.
You know things like that don't impress me.
Good, 'cause really it's a 4-year-old Honda with a broken radio.
Oh, hi, doogie.
We're going to take you up on that recommendation.
We're going to spumani.
Great.
Have a wonderful time.
I i highly recommend the cioppino.
Look, let me just file this, o.
K.
? O.
K.
We're out of here.
Curly, what do women want? Well They're always yakking they want intimacy and a man who's dependable.
Well Wait, let me just Look.
Look, look "How to get your man to commit.
" "How to turn Mr.
wrong into Mr.
close-enough.
" Every woman's magazine says a woman wants a man to commit.
I offer that to Michele.
No, she'd rather go gallivanting to Malibu with the first good-looking resident that comes along.
Though I can't blame her.
If I were a pretty woman, I'd be a sexual butterfly, too.
Why settle down with one decent guy when you can play the field and get free dinner every Friday until the 21st century? Where do you get the ego? Did it ever occur to you that Michele's needs don't have that much to do with other men.
Maybe she'd rather devote her attention to her career now.
You guys kill me.
When men want to do something with their lives, it's considered a noble calling, but the work women do is merely a premarital diversion.
You may be a genius, buster, but, boy, have you got a lot to learn.
Very good.
Bravo.
I just came to say goodbye.
I understand you're not going to have any aggressive treatment.
Tahiti, first class, one-way.
They say it's heaven, and I figure it's the only way I'll ever get there.
I know you made your decision.
I have to respect that, but if you change your mind Kid, I'm not going to change my mind.
I'll take your case to a multidisciplinary conference.
We could brainstorm.
I know you stuck your neck out.
Being straight with me yesterday took a certain immaturity, and I admire that.
Don't spoil it now by reverting to type.
I want to make sure you understand all your options.
When I was a boy, my mom always used to buy the cheap cookies because there were twice as many in one bag.
What did we get? Lots of lousy cookies.
I'll take quality over quantity any time.
I'd rather have six great months than two lousy years any day.
Judge by the weight, not by the number? When you're onto a sure thing, snap it up.
Don't waste time looking for a better deal.
The follies a man regrets most in his life are the ones he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.
This is for you.
Open it when you need a laugh.
Goodbye, doctor Howser.
To us.
Well, here we are No hospitals, no beepers, no distractions, just the two of us Alone together at last.
Uh, doogie? Michele, I have to talk to you.
Now? Sorry, tom.
Just one minute.
I would've waited till tomorrow, but then I pictured you here with tom, holding hands, with him saying all the right things and me saying nothing.
I know I can be too demanding.
I realize that's getting in the way of what I want.
Imagine you're a loaf of bread.
Excuse me, tom.
What I thought you were offering was half a loaf.
I thought I had to have the whole loaf, but I see what I wasn't taking into account was the quality of the bread.
You are a quality loaf.
So soft and warm.
You want to hold it And squeeze it and smell it.
Cioppino? Excuse me.
This will just be one minute.
What I'm trying to say is I love you, Michele, and I want to date you on whatever terms you want.
Well, that's it.
The fish stew is here, so enjoy.
Nice to see you again.
Oh, they'll need more bread.
Ahem.
"I love you, Michele, and I want to date you on whatever terms you want.
" And then I kissed her.
Cheek? Mouth.
Open or closed? That's all I'm saying.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Whoa, I am so proud of you, howser.
For once in your life, you left logic behind.
I think I sent logic off on the space shuttle.
She probably thinks I'm totally nuts.
Nah, they love nuts.
I don't know.
I think I really did the wrong thing here.
I must confess I am a little worried.
We have a dynamic here You always thinking things through, me doing things you got to bail me out of.
You're messing with our chemistry.
I'm not going to make a habit of behaving like an idiot.
Gee, uh, I appreciate that, howser.
We idiots are a proud people.
See you, vin.
Bye, doog.
I guess In a sophomoric kind of way.
Huh? I knew it.
I knew it.
You're bugged.
I'm flattered to be the latest in an illustrious line of celebrities Hank bellamy's roasted John Kennedy, Bob Dylan, Ross perot.
He was merciless with that guy's ears.
You patch the guy up, and he rewards you by lampooning you before millions of people.
I've put up with some very silly jokes in my career.
I've got a thick skin.
Besides, it's not millions.
He's syndicated.
I got a cousin in south Florida who read it.
You're big in trailer parks.
But that's not me.
I'm not dorky housecall.
It's an amalgam of Of all the 19-year-old doctors he's known.
No one in their right mind's going to equate me with this 19-year-old goofball.
Dr.
canfield.
Dr.
housecall.
It's just a publicity stunt to sell some records.
Pointy bras are one thing, but hitchhiking naked in Miami in broad daylight That's not the act of a sane woman.
Uh-oh.
Don't look now.
Look who just walked in Little miss nonexclusive.
I appreciate you being indignant on my behalf, but there's no need.
We broke up.
We're still friends.
No big deal.
Uh-huh.
Dr.
howser.
I'm tom Shepherd, first-year radiology resident.
Hi.
This is my friend Vinnie.
I heard all about you through medical school Eastman's resident genius.
Oh, really? Which is why this dorky housecall thing is so ridiculous.
Tom, don't worry about it.
We've discussed this, and he's perfectly happy being the object of public ridicule.
That's not quite what I said.
Sorry.
He's happy 'cause Ross perot's ears are bigger than his.
Yeah, that's closer.
Mind if I join you? Go ahead.
Michele, over here, honey.
Michele, do you know Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Hi, doogie.
Hi, Vinnie.
Michele.
Maybe you guys can give me some advice.
Happy to.
Well, you know the area, right? Where can I take an incredibly beautiful woman for some fine dining and romance? Uh, tom.
Uh Uh What? What is it? That's the universal sign language for "you're putting your foot in it," which in this case is totally unnecessary.
Michele and I used to date, but she wanted to see other guys.
I wasn't comfortable with that, so we broke up.
Just because our romantic relationship has ended doesn't mean we still can't be friends, right, Michele? No.
No, I mean, we we're all adults here, right? So, having said that, I know this wonderful little restaurant right outside Malibu Spumani.
Great.
I love Italian.
Candlelight, a private courtyard.
There's even a little path you can take to the beach to enjoy a little after-dinner Mint? I've always been fascinated by caricature.
You take a relatively unimportant aspect of a person's personality or appearance and blow it way out of proportion.
Can't you take a joke? The biggest challenge in a cartoon's keeping up that humor week after week.
The biggest challenge is opening the hate mail.
You been writing any? How's the cast? Any discomfort? No.
I'm very comfortable for a guy with half a hardware store in his arm.
When am I getting out of here? I broke my leg in second grade.
I was back at school in two days.
We're waiting for the results of the bone biopsy that Dr.
Stein performed.
We're concerned about the tissue.
Tissue? I hardly even know you.
The tissue surrounding the break It's what we call a pathologic fracture.
You wouldn't be doing this for revenge, would you, Dr.
housecall? No one wants you out of here faster than I do.
Oh, good evening, my angel of mercy, my bringer of mushy peas.
Oh, actually, it's, uh Mushy corn today, Mr.
bellamy.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Hello, doctor.
Nurse Faber.
Is it time for my bath, nurse? Should I get undressed? Should you? I have to draw the line at sexual harassment.
Excuse me, doctor.
I can draw my own line.
I'll be the one to let the patient know when he's crossed it.
God, beauty and brains.
If you have any legitimate requests, Mr.
bellamy, just ring.
All right.
Well, well, Dr.
housecall's chivalrous side has surfaced.
Are you this protective of all the nurses or just the ones with the big brown eyes? Oh, please.
Why so touchy? Have I stepped on an exposed nerve? Is there a hospital drama unfolding? No, there isn't.
Maybe it's already unfolded, or should I say unraveled? No more "meet me at midnight" In the linen closet"? Has it ever occurred to you that some things in life are not a joke? No, it hasn't, and I feel one coming on now.
Ahem.
Doogie, do you have a minute? Uh, yeah.
A minute.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to jump down your throat back there.
I know you were trying to help.
I'm still trying to figure out how to be tough and soft at the same time.
No need to apologize, Michele.
I don't blame you for trying to preserve your hard-won independence.
Excuse me.
Good morning, miss Jameson.
I'm Dr.
howser.
You're having some bronchial trouble.
I need to listen to your lungs, so unbutton your blouse.
I know who you are, young man.
I know what's on your dirty little mind.
Dr.
howser, can I talk with you a moment? It's about Hank bellamy.
I have a few choice words for him myself.
I'm not going to let him further his career at the expense of mine.
I think you better look at his biopsy results first.
Your arm broke because the bone was weakened by cancer.
It appears the cancer is fairly widespread.
We found evidence of metastatic lesions in your liver, your lungs, your chest wall.
It's going to require some aggressive treatment.
We have many options at our disposal Chemotherapy, experimental immunotherapy.
That going to cure me? Chemotherapy could extend your life.
What about zero therapy? I'm sorry? I know what you two are talking about.
You pump me full of chemicals, and I spend my days puking my guts out.
Tubes coming out of my nose, unsightly tufts of hair sprouting from my head at odd angles, which is a look I can live without, thank you very much.
On the other hand I I could pack my bags and And walk on out of here.
Then we'd only be able to treat you symptomatically, make you as comfortable as possible.
How long? It depends on how fast the lesions grow.
Cut the crap.
I'm just being honest.
Then look me right in the eye and say, "you poor bastard, you're really screwed now.
" Mr.
bellamy.
How long? It's difficu Six months, maybe a year.
Well Bravo Dr.
housecall.
I'm not.
Broken arm ain't what it used to be, hmm? Wait until you see my new car.
It's a beemer convertible with a bose stereo I installed myself.
You know things like that don't impress me.
Good, 'cause really it's a 4-year-old Honda with a broken radio.
Oh, hi, doogie.
We're going to take you up on that recommendation.
We're going to spumani.
Great.
Have a wonderful time.
I i highly recommend the cioppino.
Look, let me just file this, o.
K.
? O.
K.
We're out of here.
Curly, what do women want? Well They're always yakking they want intimacy and a man who's dependable.
Well Wait, let me just Look.
Look, look "How to get your man to commit.
" "How to turn Mr.
wrong into Mr.
close-enough.
" Every woman's magazine says a woman wants a man to commit.
I offer that to Michele.
No, she'd rather go gallivanting to Malibu with the first good-looking resident that comes along.
Though I can't blame her.
If I were a pretty woman, I'd be a sexual butterfly, too.
Why settle down with one decent guy when you can play the field and get free dinner every Friday until the 21st century? Where do you get the ego? Did it ever occur to you that Michele's needs don't have that much to do with other men.
Maybe she'd rather devote her attention to her career now.
You guys kill me.
When men want to do something with their lives, it's considered a noble calling, but the work women do is merely a premarital diversion.
You may be a genius, buster, but, boy, have you got a lot to learn.
Very good.
Bravo.
I just came to say goodbye.
I understand you're not going to have any aggressive treatment.
Tahiti, first class, one-way.
They say it's heaven, and I figure it's the only way I'll ever get there.
I know you made your decision.
I have to respect that, but if you change your mind Kid, I'm not going to change my mind.
I'll take your case to a multidisciplinary conference.
We could brainstorm.
I know you stuck your neck out.
Being straight with me yesterday took a certain immaturity, and I admire that.
Don't spoil it now by reverting to type.
I want to make sure you understand all your options.
When I was a boy, my mom always used to buy the cheap cookies because there were twice as many in one bag.
What did we get? Lots of lousy cookies.
I'll take quality over quantity any time.
I'd rather have six great months than two lousy years any day.
Judge by the weight, not by the number? When you're onto a sure thing, snap it up.
Don't waste time looking for a better deal.
The follies a man regrets most in his life are the ones he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.
This is for you.
Open it when you need a laugh.
Goodbye, doctor Howser.
To us.
Well, here we are No hospitals, no beepers, no distractions, just the two of us Alone together at last.
Uh, doogie? Michele, I have to talk to you.
Now? Sorry, tom.
Just one minute.
I would've waited till tomorrow, but then I pictured you here with tom, holding hands, with him saying all the right things and me saying nothing.
I know I can be too demanding.
I realize that's getting in the way of what I want.
Imagine you're a loaf of bread.
Excuse me, tom.
What I thought you were offering was half a loaf.
I thought I had to have the whole loaf, but I see what I wasn't taking into account was the quality of the bread.
You are a quality loaf.
So soft and warm.
You want to hold it And squeeze it and smell it.
Cioppino? Excuse me.
This will just be one minute.
What I'm trying to say is I love you, Michele, and I want to date you on whatever terms you want.
Well, that's it.
The fish stew is here, so enjoy.
Nice to see you again.
Oh, they'll need more bread.
Ahem.
"I love you, Michele, and I want to date you on whatever terms you want.
" And then I kissed her.
Cheek? Mouth.
Open or closed? That's all I'm saying.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Whoa, I am so proud of you, howser.
For once in your life, you left logic behind.
I think I sent logic off on the space shuttle.
She probably thinks I'm totally nuts.
Nah, they love nuts.
I don't know.
I think I really did the wrong thing here.
I must confess I am a little worried.
We have a dynamic here You always thinking things through, me doing things you got to bail me out of.
You're messing with our chemistry.
I'm not going to make a habit of behaving like an idiot.
Gee, uh, I appreciate that, howser.
We idiots are a proud people.
See you, vin.
Bye, doog.