Empty Nest (1988) s04e20 Episode Script

Incidents of strange behavior continue to be reported throughout the city which some people are attributing to an outbreak of full moon madness.
This just in.
Tonight, a naked man ran through a meeting of the Jewish woman's charitable society.
When questioned by police, the ladies were only able to describe him as Gentile.
Well, the full moon's not affecting dreyfuss' behavior, always hungry.
No more for him tonight.
The vet says he has to lose some weight.
Either that or get him on those Suzanne somers thighmasters.
I think we should keep dreyfuss in tonight, daddy.
The full moon really makes me nervous.
Oh, Carol, grow up.
It's a bunch of baloney.
Yeah, nothing weird's going to happen tonight.
I'm going ahead with my plans.
- What are you doing? - I had a hot date, but I broke it so I could stay home and watch the sound of music.
Full moon, daddy.
I'm telling you, that's when the really weird things happen.
Oh, that's right.
Carol finally got a job today.
Now, that's weird.
What's the job? I'm catering this big affair, and I've been a nervous wreck about it all week.
Why? What's the problem? It's a surprise party for a psychic.
Well, I've got a big day ahead of me.
The last time I did one of these things, I spent four hours unbending the spoons.
Well, Charley, getting late.
Yep, sure is.
No, Charley, it's real late, and I'm tired.
Well, when you work as hard as you do, you got to pay the Piper.
Charley, I'm very tired and I need my rest.
Well, hey, do what I do, sleep till 2:00, then you're groovin' till dawn.
Charley, get out.
All right, old-timer.
All right.
Well, I'm going up.
Good night, sweetheart.
Good night, daddy.
Now, dreyfuss, you know what daddy said about snacks.
No, you're not going to cute your way out of this.
Come on.
Ten laps around the yard.
Go on.
Good boy.
Dreyfuss, I said ten laps.
Hi, ma'am.
I'm a handyman.
I've been working around the neighborhood.
I'm setting up some jobs for tomorrow.
I wondered, do you have any odd jobs you need doing? Well, I don't know.
Well, I'm a really fast worker, although you wouldn't know that by looking at me.
My doctor says I have to lose some weight.
It's either that, or I got to buy one of them Suzanne somers thighmasters.
- Have I seen you before? - Could be.
I'm around here a lot.
Well, usually I don't like to hire strangers, but there's something about you, I feel like I know you.
Funny, you know I seem to know you too.
Well, can you be here tomorrow morning at 8:00? Sure.
Just as soon as I get my walk around the park.
Oh, mister, I forgot your name.
Dreyfuss? Mister? Where did he go? Life goes on and so do we Just how we do it is no mystery Sometimes the answer can be hard to find Hard to find that's something I will never be I'm always here for anything you need Anything you need rain or shine, I'll be the one To share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on No, Judy, should be an easy afternoon.
Doctor's not seein' anybody today.
We're gettin' ready for the tax man.
Now, Judy, you know, I'd never tell you how much Dr.
Weston makes just like you'd never tell me how much Dr.
Harris ma Lord, have mercy! Well, there's gold in them there kidneys! Laverne, come in here please.
I gotta go, Judy.
Well, that explains what happened to my lucky banana peel.
It's not funny, Laverne.
I threw my back out.
I can hardly move.
I see that.
Want me to give you the ol' herky-jerky? No! No.
I already talked to Dr.
farber, he called down to wexler's pharmacy.
They're sending up some medication.
Well, as long as you're lyin' down, you wanna know how much Dr.
Harris makes? No, just help me get up.
Why don't you take the rest of the day off? I can't.
I've got that hospital board meeting tonight.
- Can't you postpone it? - No, I waited for years for a chance to get on the board.
Huh? Oh, thank you.
It's your pills.
Okay.
Take three every four hours.
Okay.
Okay.
Good.
Oh.
Get me some water, please.
Oh, Dr.
farber said this is some new drug, supposed to be very potent.
Oh, why did my back pick today to go out? 'Cause it's a full moon Has the whole city out of whack.
Laverne, don't tell me you believe in that full moon nonsense.
Nonsense? Uh-uh.
That's what Skeeter Jessup used to say.
I know I'm going to regret this Who is Skeeter Jessup? Skeeter Jessup was one of the finest people in hickory.
Pillar of the community.
Then one night, when the moon was full Laverne, you're not going to tell me a werewolf story, are you? Doctor, give me a little credit, please.
Anyway, the moon was full and Skeeter started growin' hair all over his whole body.
Wait a minute.
This is a werewolf story.
No, it's not.
Now, let me finish.
Anyway, his eyes turned red and his nails turned into claws, and big ol' fangs come out his mouth.
Damn it, this is a werewolf story.
Okay.
Have it your way, I won't finish.
All right, Laverne.
Finish your story.
He turned into a werewolf.
Whooaa.
Whoa.
This stuff is great.
Whoo-ooh.
- Hey, red, how's it going? - Oh, fine.
Paint's drying on the cabinets out in the garage.
And, oh, look, I fixed this chair, so it won't keep rocking on you all the time.
Oh, that's great.
Hey, have you seen my dog? Nah, I don't think so.
What does he look like? Well, he's really big.
He has red hair, bushy eyebrows.
He kind of looks like you.
I haven't seen him.
But I'll sniff around.
No.
Dreyfuss, where have you been? Now, wait a minute.
Red? Red? Now, Judy, let me get this straight.
If Dr.
Harris sees 15 patients a day, that would make his hourly ra Great balls of fire! Law, I better not tell Dr.
Weston.
Oh, he's doin' great.
Ever since his back cleared up, he's chipper and cheerful and so thoughtful.
Laverne, would you get your butt in here? Never mind.
I got to go.
Now, listen here, doctor Laverne, it's always so nice to see you.
Please, come on, dear.
Have a seat.
Come over here.
Come on.
There you go.
Yes.
Well, I was just going over my presentation to the board, and I i want your opinion.
You you want my opinion? Certainly.
You're one of the most intelligent, astute people I know.
Well, thank you, doctor.
All right, fine.
Good, look Can you just pay attention here? We're talking medicine.
We're not shucking corn.
- Dr.
Weston! - What? Laverne, is something wrong? Can I get you a nice cup of tea? Why, you ol' devil.
I see what you're doin'.
You're pullin' my leg.
You're tryin' to get my goat over this full moon thang.
Doctor's office.
Oh, okay.
Good.
I'll tell him.
Uh-huh.
Well, that was alvie Gordon's babysitter.
Alvie's gon' be okay.
I did it! Laverne, do you realize what this means? That poor, stricken child could lead a healthy, productive life, once more to walk without pain.
It's a miracle! Yeah.
You cured diaper rash.
You want me to get alvie's momma on the phone? No.
That's just what they'll be expecting.
Let's keep them off-balance.
Get his father on the phone.
Okay.
I checked the garage, I checked the yard, I checked all around the house, that handyman guy's not there.
Yeah.
I didn't think so.
Charley, what if I were to tell you that the man is right there? - Where? - There, Charley.
Dreyfuss.
Dreyfuss is the man, and the man is dreyfuss.
Wait a minute.
Are you saying that that guy is really dreyfuss? Yes, they keep changing back and forth.
Barbara, come on, get it together.
People just don't change into dogs.
All right, once in a while, you sober up the next morning, and you look over at who you're with.
Charley, I saw what I saw.
Something weird is going on here.
Barbara, nothing weird is going on.
Hey, you want to go to church with me tonight? No, Charley.
I got to go to work.
But, you keep an eye on him.
See if he changes.
Right.
So, dreyfuss.
You're really a guy, huh? Hey, wait a minute.
Dreyfuss, come back.
Dreyfuss.
Oh.
- Hi, red.
- Hey.
I was looking for dreyfuss.
You won't believe this.
Barbara's got this crazy idea that Hey.
A fire truck.
I love fire trucks! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! - Okay.
- Well, here we go.
Here's all the tax forms all ready for the accountants.
All expenses itemized, categorized, and rationalized.
Laverne, you are a gem.
I don't know what I would ever do without you.
Oh, thank you, doctor.
You're too kind.
I'm not kind, I'm cra What the hell is why am I paying you so much money? Come on, doctor.
Stop a-pullin' my leg over this full moon business.
Laverne, you're far too valuable for me to make fun of you.
As a matter of fact, I think you deserve a raise.
What would you say to this salary? Well, doctor, this is very generous.
In your dreams, Rufus! Look at this.
Doctor, are you all right? What do you mean? Of course, I'm all right.
Well, you don't seem all right.
And I don't think this is a very good day for you to be goin' to that hospital board of directors meetin'.
Don't be silly.
It's a perfect day for me to go.
Doctor, I know you don't believe in the full moon business and all, but I got to tell you, you are actin' very strange today.
Nonsense, Laverne.
I never felt better.
This hospital is at a crossroads.
It's time for that board to hear a fresh new voice.
I'm going to the meeting I'm going to the meeting and you can't stop me now Full moon lunacy is apparently continuing in the greater Miami area with police reporting a 20% increase in the number of calls.
Rick, I am telling you, he was chasing a fire truck.
I think this guy is dreyfuss.
Well, call me if he drinks out of a toilet bowl.
I told you I was working late at the office! I hate these domestic disputes.
Open up! - It's the police! - Happy now? You brought the cops.
Yeah, what is it? We got a call, there's been a disturbance here.
Are you alone? Yes, just the two of us.
I know you're seeing someone else.
Everyone knows it.
Are you crazy? I go to work.
I come home.
That's all I ever do.
All right.
Come on, now.
Hey, why don't you stay out of this, flatfoot? Miss, watch your mouth.
What are you talking to her for? - Let him talk.
- Now, knock it off.
Yeah.
Can it, or I'm going to belt you hey.
Hey.
None of that.
Go ahead and hit me.
Hit me, and you go to jail.
That's the law, right? Better watch your step, pal.
She's right.
No, she's not.
Hey, sister, whose side are you on here? Doesn't the wife have any rights at all? The wife? Well, I was drunk.
It was Vegas.
You know.
Excuse us for a second.
Rick, let's get out of here.
This guy is crazy.
But, the neighbors, they filed a complaint.
What was their complaint? That he was moving his lips? No, George, what happened to us? We used to be so good together.
Go ahead, George, tell her the truth.
Who said that? Coming from in there.
All right.
You want the truth? I'll give you the truth, Myra.
There's someone else.
Myra, this is Donald.
My long-time companion.
This is sick.
Myra, I am so sorry you had to hear it this way.
Well, at least I didn't lose you to another woman.
Not hardly.
Thank you all for coming.
Before we begin, I think it fitting that we pay tribute to our colleague, Dr.
Patrick o'hanlan, who died last week after a long illness.
A native of Ireland, he distinguished himself as one of the finest surgeons in this country.
Let us have a moment of silence in his memory.
Oh Danny boy the pipes the pipes are calling From Glen to Glen and down the mountainside God love you Patty you're a darling man! A-diddley-diddley Diddley-Dee Yes.
Well, I think we should just get on with the meeting.
- Dr.
Weston? - Very well.
I've given this a lot of thought, and it seems to me that the most important part of any pediatric department is the patient.
What this hospital needs is not more doctors, or more nurses By the way, let me tell you how I look at nurses.
Doctor, perhaps if you could, just tell us what direction you'd like to see the hospital take.
North.
North? Either that or west.
You go east, you're in the ocean.
I don't know what's going on with you, Dr.
Weston, but perhaps you need to seek some professional help.
This meeting is adjourned.
Adjourned? Wait a minute, I haven't even told you my ideas about the children's clinic.
I've heard enough.
I'm leaving.
No.
No.
You can't leave.
No! Come on! I want to be on the board.
How come you get to be on the board, and I don't? Wait a minute, don't listen to this man, he's out of his mind! Hey, a nurse.
They's been a big mistake.
Yes, obviously he's drunk.
He's not drunk.
He's on drugs.
Doctor, I just spoke to wexler's pharmacy and they screwed up on the dosage of them pills.
You've been a-takin' too much medicine.
I have? Dr.
Ogilvie, this is not what he's really like.
He's never this much fun.
Look, why don't we just reschedule this meeting for next week, and we can discuss your ideas on the clinic? How do you feel about that? How do I feel? I feel good like I knew that I would be So good so good - hey, red.
- Hi, Barbara.
I fixed your jewelry box.
Here you go.
Anything else? No, that's great.
And thank you for bringing in the paper this afternoon.
What's that? Oh, just the neighbor's cat.
Cat! Oh, I hate cats! Oh, I cat! Cats! Oh! Get out of that tree! Hey! Hey! Hey! Dreyf, I hope you're in there.
Daddy, have you seen dreyfuss? I thought he was in the living room.
Dreyfuss? What's the matter? Nothing.
I just wanted to check him.
Make sure he's still a dog.
He's still a dog.
Rose.
What are you doing here at this hour? I'm sorry to disturb you, Harry.
But I'd like to ask your opinion about something, as a man of science.
I mean, I'm not a man of science, I'm the the one asking.
You're the man of science.
Yes, rose.
I know who we both are.
What can I do for you? Do you believe in full moons? Absolutely not.
Well, then, what's the big, round, shiny thing? Well, rose, I know full moons exist.
Well, sure you do, now.
What are you getting at? All right.
Suppose you found out someone had kissed your boyfriend.
Would you believe it was the full moon's fault? Who knows.
Thank you, Harry.
That clears things up.
Oh, by the way, may I use your phone? Oh, yeah.
Please, please.
- Help yourself.
- Thanks, Harry.
I'll bring it back tomorrow.
Rose.
Rose.
Rose.
I just had a thought.
That's happened to me, don't be afraid, it'll pass.
What pharmacy do you use? Wexler's pharmacy.
I've been going there ever since I moved to Miami.
Yeah, that's what I figured.
- Good night, rose.
- Night.
Oh, rose, change pharmacies.
Yeah, dreyf.
Let that be a lesson to you.
No matter how strange things may seem, there's always a rational explanation for everything.
Good night, pup.
Well, red, thank you so much.
Oh.
Thank you, Barbara.
You got a little spot on you there.