Gilmore Girls s04e20 Episode Script

Hello? - They know.
|- Who knows? The cats.
They know I've broken up|with Jason and I'm alone.
They've decided it's time for me|to become a crazy cat lady.
- What are you talking about?|- There's a cat on my doorstep.
That's better than a bun in your oven.
It's sitting there staring at me,|like it knew this moment was coming.
- Why is it still there?|- It's a stray.
It's passing through.
It's hanging out.
Relax.
Move away from the window|and go back to bed.
It's not fair.
We just broke up.
|It just happened.
I'm still young.
It's still possible I'll have|a successfuI relationship.
- My eggs are still viable.
|- Are you yelling at me or the cat? The cat.
He flipped me off with his tail.
- I'm Babette.
|- Babette's not single.
Whose side are you on? Circle the wagons.
Everyone knows.
|They can see it in my face.
"She's single again.
|She couldn't make it work again.
"She picked the wrong guy again.
"|Do not lick yourself in front of me.
Mom, I need you to get a grip.
You're tired, stressed out,|and not seeing things clearly.
My God! There are two of them.
They're not even easing me into this,|those bastards.
I give up.
I guess I need to start|collecting newspapers and magazines find a blue bathrobe, lose my front teeth.
Obviously, you've got|a busy day ahead of you so I'm gonna let you go.
- I need to find some yarn balls.
|- Bye.
I am a young, desirable woman.
Michel, curtains.
|Tom, banister and mud-sink valve.
Sylvie, horse feed.
Jackson, garden stone.
|Sookie, too much salt in the gazpacho.
Boy.
- What are you doing?|- I need coffee.
- It's 5:00 a.
m.
Make coffee at your house.
|- I did.
I drank it all.
You drank all the coffee|in your house before 5:00 a.
m.
? - Big gulps, lots of sugar.
|- Get up.
And just a little bit of cream|'cause it makes it cold.
Keep moving.
I can't sleep.
I can't turn my mind off.
It keeps running and thinking|and making lists.
Maybe if you drank a little less coffee,|you'd make less lists.
I can't stop drinking the coffee.
I stop drinking coffee, I stop doing|the standing and walking and the words-putting-into-sentence|doing.
I'll make you some coffee.
If I could move, I would hug you.
In fact, in my mind, I am hugging you and also telling the plumber there's|no water pressure in rooms 10, 12, and 15.
I'm making you some oatmeal.
- I don't like oatmeal.
|- You've gotta eat something healthy.
I'm so completely stressed.
I can't remember what I'm doing|from one moment to the next.
- It's never gonna get done.
|- It will.
No, it won't, and the inn won't open,|and then I'll go broke.
- How do you do it?|- Do what? Go broke? No, run this place, handle all the stress? - The place isn't stressful.
|- It's not? Actually, at this moment, it is a little.
Maybe I can't handle it.
|Do you think I can handle it? - I already said you could handle it.
|- When? - Quite a while ago.
|- Did I believe you? - Apparently, you didn't listen to me.
|- I want you to take a tour of the inn.
Why don't I wait till it's repossessed?|I'll see it at the auction.
How can you be so mean|when I only managed to line one eye? I apologize.
Seriously, I want to give you|an official investor's tour.
It's looking really good.
I heard the water pressure sucks|in rooms 10, 12, and 15.
- What do you say?|- You eat the oatmeal, I'll take the tour.
Fine, I'll eat it.
|But I'm making a face the entire time.
Looking forward to it.
Hey, Kirk.
- Something wrong?|- I wanted to sit there.
- Seriously?|- Of course.
Why do you think I'm here this early?|I wanted to get that table.
Every single other table in here is empty.
- Except the one I want.
|- Fine.
You have to understand that|on days when Lulu is working - I have very little in my life.
|- I know.
This table is a small thing,|but it makes me happy.
It gives me a sense of power over my life a little control in a world|where very little is controllable.
Kirk, I moved.
Your table's free.
- Thanks.
|- You're welcome.
Boy, the light over here is excellent.
Is this your voice? MicheI, curtains.
|Tom, banister and mud-sink valve.
Yes.
I left myself|a couple of messages last night.
You left yourself 25 messages last night and the funny thing is,|you didn't listen to any of the messages.
- I listened to the messages.
|- Just hand them to me, please.
Every day that you breathe,|you make my life harder.
- I've got a solution for you.
|- And when is the desk coming? I don't find the whole conducting-business-on-the-floor|thing amusing anymore! I want a desk and a chair and a bed.
Where the hell is my bed? - You came by.
|- You told me I had to.
- I'm so glad you're here.
|- The staircase is beautiful.
Tom.
Nice work here.
But you used glue.
|I thought with a banister- Are you gonna kibitz? Guys who know|a little about construction they build a birdbath, install a towel bar makes them think they know something,|so they kibitz offer free advice on things|they don't know anything about.
- I got a low tolerance for that right now.
|- I'm not gonna kibitz.
And stop touching my banister.
He won't let me touch the banister either.
You want to see the kitchen?|The stove is a thing of beauty.
We're thinking of ordering out|so we never have to use it.
Great idea.
And I wasn't gonna kibitz.
- Exciting, isn't it?|- I know.
Lorelai, great.
I've been looking for you.
|Hi, Luke.
Sookie.
Nice kitchen.
|Did you use the original tiles? - I don't know.
Ask Tom.
|- Never mind.
Lorelai, I would like|to introduce you to Shel Sausman.
- Shel, this is Lorelai Gilmore.
|- It is really nice to meet you.
- It's really nice to meet you, too.
|- Shel is going to be our poultry supplier.
That's great.
He sells only free-range, hormone-free,|and he's recently divorced.
I assume the one doesn't have|anything to do with the other.
You're funny.
She's funny.
They say pretty women usually|aren't funny because they never had to be.
Were you a fat child? I'm gonna go out|and check with Michel on something and you guys just talk till I get back.
- Why do you need to talk to Michel?|- Tablecloth supplies.
- I can do that.
|- Michel likes me better.
Just talk! - Lorelai-|- Shel, have you met Luke? - Luke, get up!|- What? Shel, this is Luke.
- Nice to meet you.
|- Yeah, you, too.
Luke is my special friend.
Yeah.
I have to tell you renovating this place|has been a real nightmare.
I don't know how I would have|gotten through it without him.
Have I said thank you to you recently? - No.
|- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
|- It was nice meeting you both.
- I'm gonna go say goodbye to Sookie.
|- Bye, Shel.
- Don't touch my stomach.
|- You put my hand there.
She's trying to set me up with Shel,|the poultry guy? Why? I just broke up with someone.
|We'd been dating for a few months now.
I figured there was someone|in the picture.
You did? How? Just clues.
|You never dressed weather-appropriate.
- I can bundle on up now.
|- I'm sorry.
- Cats came to my house today|- Really? because they know I'm a loser|and I'm destined to be alone.
You're not destined to be alone.
|You have Shel.
- Why is it so hard?|- Relationships? Look who you're asking.
- At least you got married.
|- At least you had a kid.
It makes me sad sometimes.
|Does it make you sad? I don't know.
Maybe.
I see Dr.
Phil books in our future.
Unless they stock them at Home Depot,|they're not likely to cross my path.
All this sad talk|is putting a damper on my stressing.
- The place is great.
|- Do you think I can do this? I already told you you can do this.
I already told you|that I told you you can do this.
- You're making me long for Shel.
|- You'd never want for chicken.
Isn't politicaI writing just|another form of propaganda? Absolutely not.
Political writing|confronts your assumptions.
- Propaganda can do that.
|- No, it cannot.
Propaganda merely reinforces|what that person wishes to be told.
That means the definition|is determined by the audience.
- That's one way of looking at it.
|- You can't do that.
You can't define literature|in terms of the audience.
Far be it from me|to expect reason and common sense to triumph above youthful omniscience so for today,|we shall stop until next week.
- Rory, hi.
|- Stop it.
I thought I'd do some laundry,|and I don't have a full load of whites so if you have whites, toss them in.
I don't want to be your beard anymore.
|Just go talk to Asher.
I don't take his class.
|People will get suspicious.
What, is he taking confession?|You can't go.
I'm not gonna be in this class forever which means next year,|you'll have to find another idiot to stand here until the coast is clear.
It's all going to be coming out eventually.
Asher asked me to go to Oxford|with him this summer.
Really? Oxford? That's - This is really getting serious.
|- There's now travel involved.
As soon as news of the trip gets around,|the secret is out.
- I guess so.
|- Crap.
Pretend you have to see him.
You were|confused on the last point he made.
You were gonna ask him after class|but Toby wouldn't stop yapping.
I feel my mouth moving,|something's coming out.
Walk faster.
We'll miss him.
- Did you find what you need?|- Yeah.
Fine.
- What are you doing?|- I have to ring them up.
I'll just tell you the prices.
|This one is $24.
99.
- That high?|- They're your prices.
Can I see the book? Wait, that's the Canadian price.
It's $14.
99.
Will you let me scan the book? When you scan the book,|do you see the title? - Yes.
|- Then no.
What do you got there, porn? - You sell porn?|- No! Think I brought my own porn|in here to buy? I don't know what you're doing.
|I just need to scan the books.
- This should cover it.
|- $100? That's way too much.
Take it.
Bag.
Love! You want it? You can have it.
And not compromised,|stifled, souI-killing love but open, honest, life-affirming love.
But how do you get it?|How do you get this love? If I knew that, what would I need you for? It's going to take work.
|It's going to take introspection.
You're gonna have to learn new things.
how to be your own best friend how to treat your damaged psyche|with a little kindness how to say, "PaI, you're worth it.
"You mean something to someone,|and you deserve love.
" That is the key.
If you crave love, then you deserve love.
Say that to yourself.
"If I crave love, I deserve love.
" Now, how did that feeI coming out? I'll bet it was hard.
|I'll bet you felt ridiculous.
Some of you may even have been|incapable of saying it at all.
- Try again.
|- I'm not incapable.
I just haven't been hit|in the head with the Oprah stick lately.
Trust me, my friend, it will get easier.
UntiI one day, you turn around,|and you are not alone.
Ready to begin the journey?|It's going to be one hell of a ride.
Okay, let's go.
|Open up your workbook to Page 1.
It doesn't get lower than this.
Dean, we appreciate you|working late all this week.
I appreciate the extra cash.
The wire snapped.
I can fix it.
- He's like a superhero.
|- He's my super Mr.
Fix-it man.
- We'll work on a name.
|- Your tool belt will glow.
I can't wait.
What did you think of the onion soup|I made today? - It was good.
|- Good enough for the opening? No, we have to serve your critically acclaimed|zucchini soup for the opening.
But Jackson has some concerns|about the zucchini crop so I want to have a backup.
We've got to serve the zucchini soup.
|People are expecting it.
- The zucchini have got to be there.
|- I'll tell Jackson he has to have them.
- Dean, come on.
|- Lindsay, I'm working.
- How shocking.
|- What do you want me to do? We were supposed to go out|with Erika and David tonight.
- I can't.
|- Why would you say you could? I told you if there was a chance for some|extra hours that I was gonna take it.
- We never do anything, Dean.
|- We need money! You know that, Lindsay! You are so incredibly selfish.
|You never think about me.
Never.
You want a townhouse?|You want a new car? - We need money to pay for these things.
|- I sit at home all day waiting for you.
You never call during the day|like you always promise you will.
I'm bored, Dean.
|Don't you care about that? I want to go out with my husband.
|We're married here! - I'll be done in a couple of hours-|- I'm going out with Erika and David.
Fine.
Go.
When will you be home? - When I get home.
|- That's nice, Lindsay.
That's real nice.
Whatever, Dean.
Complete the following sentence.
|I feeI angry because I am listening to this tape.
I feeI hopefuI because This tape must end eventually.
I feeI helpIess because I wonder if anyone's ever kicked|an audiotape's ass.
Hold on.
- What are you doing here?|- Look how happy he is to see me.
I just didn't expect it, that's all.
My brother.
You remember T.
J.
, right? - I'm still here.
|- How you doing, T.
J.
? Lizzie, I don't know.
How am I doing? He's doing great|'cause we're getting married.
- Married? Really?|- We're doing it right here next week.
That's fast.
We wanted to do it before the circuit|started, so our friends could come.
It's gonna be so beautiful.
|Wait till you see.
- You ever been to a Renaissance wedding?|- No.
It's great.
|Horses, costumes, really big turkey legs.
- You're gonna love it.
|- Okay, you gotta slow down here.
- No way.
You slow down, you die.
|- When did this happen? Last week.
T.
J.
asked me, I said yes,|we made a few phone calls and here we are, grabbing life|by the ping-pongs, as T.
J.
says.
There's gonna be a bachelor party.
|My brother's coming down got a couple of friends dropping in.
|It'll be fun! - You have to go.
|- Sure, if you want me to.
Want you to? Of course I want you to.
|I want you to be my best man, also.
- You're kidding.
|- Of course I am.
You'd be 800th on the list.
But you can come|to the bachelor party if you want.
- Are you happy for me? Say you are.
|- Sure, I'm happy for you.
Of course I'll go to your bachelor party.
Keeping up appearances|that we like each other - very classy for the wedding.
|- T.
J.
, come on.
I'm going to get some beer.
Where's he going?|He doesn't know where to go.
He's got a nose for these things.
|Wait till you see this wedding.
My God.
It's unbelievable.
- I'm wearing a white dress.
|- That is unbelievable.
Stop it.
It's about a zillion years old|with flowing sleeves.
I'm like Vanessa Redgrave in "Camelot.
" Seriously, I love myself in this dress.
- Sounds like a good dress.
|- I'm so excited.
I'm getting married again.
So how are you gonna do this so quickly? We're gonna have the ceremony|right out there in the square.
We've got our Renaissance Fair buds|all pitching in.
We got the Scotch egg guy to cater it and T.
J.
's gonna write the vows.
|You won't have to do a thing.
- Sure.
|- I swear, everything's taken care of.
- Carrie's gonna be my maid of honor.
|- Terrific.
- She's a good friend.
|- To one and all.
Does Jess know? - He knows.
|- Did he take it well? - Took it like Jess.
|- Meaning? - He's not coming.
|- Why not? - He's young, he's busy.
|- Busy doing what? I don't know.
It's okay.
|I just thought But it's no biggie.
- I mean, I got you there, right?|- Yeah.
Are you gonna dress up? - Absolutely.
|- As a minstrel? Who's the guy who jumps around|in bells and a pointy hat? - The court jester.
|- I will come as a court jester.
You're a good brother.
You got any of that|terrible peach pie you make? I'm starving.
- Hello.
|- Did you bring the Nutter Butters? - I'm fine.
I missed you, too.
|- We have achieved culinary perfection.
What's with the carrots? I was afraid you weren't eating right|at school.
- Marshmallow?|- Thank you.
Man, I've missed Al's Chinese night.
He's got a new thing now,|chicken chow mein sandwich.
What exactly was Grandma's excuse|for canceling Friday night dinner? Dad was traveling and she had a function.
- It was that generic?|- She put no thought into it.
It was muffled, but at the end of the call,|I heard a knock - and someone yelling, "Turndown service.
"|- Living in a hotel.
- And hiding it.
|- Poor Grandma.
We should talk to them.
- "We"?|- You.
I'm a child.
Talking is not my parents' thing.
|It would humiliate them if they knew that we knew|that they are whatever they are.
- So we do nothing?|- We wait until one of them cracks.
- How many tapes are we watching?|- Every time I started watching something I thought you would like,|I stopped watching it and saved it for when|we could watch it together.
So I watched the first 10 minutes|of 12 movies.
Which one are we gonna watch? The absolute funniest|movie known to man: "Fatso.
" I'm loving the title.
- Anne Bancroft wrote and directed it.
|- Annie Sullivan, look at you go.
How's everything at the inn coming along? Everyone's freaking out|because we've got a million things to do.
But we finally got the pictures up.
|The beds were delivered today.
I forgot.
A little bit of gossip.
- What?|- It's not fun gossip.
Sookie and I overheard|Dean and Lindsay having a major fight.
- It was ugly.
|- Really? About what? She was mad because he was|working late to make some extra cash.
She wanted to go out,|and it got heated and vicious and the whole thing ended|with a "Whatever, Dean.
" - That sounds bad.
|- It wasn't good.
- Maybe they'll make up.
|- I hope so.
Yeah, me, too.
Fat! - This is the greatest thing I've ever seen.
|- Kiss the Mommy.
Neighbor, the guys next door|just ran out of crack to sell so they sent me over to borrow a cup.
Nice place.
|You put those holes there yourself? - What are you doing here?|- Just wanted to see how you were doing.
- Doing great.
|- You're doing great.
I'm not doing great,|and I have running water.
- The place is fine.
|- What happened to "great"? All this and no housewarming gift.
Sorry.
I just thought|you were going nowhere with your life.
Glad I'm wrong.
|Which filthy mattress is yours? Right there.
Got the good corner,|with a view of the mold.
Yeah, I won the toss.
|If you don't mind, I've got places to be.
Let's get down to it.
Liz told me you weren't coming|to the wedding.
- No way you're here about that.
|- I am here about that.
- Why?|- Why? Your mother's getting married - and you're not coming.
|- No biggie.
I'll just catch the next one.
- This guy is different.
|- Come on.
He could be different.
He seems different.
I've seen him with Liz.
They seem to work.
We need to support this thing|to give it a chance.
- No, we don't.
|- You are gonna regret this.
- I doubt it.
|- No, you are.
If you ever manage to grow up|and get yourself together and drop the selfish, self-destructive|behavior you're so fond of you are gonna look back on this moment and feel like a big steaming mound of crap|that you missed this.
This could have been a turning point.
You could have witnessed|something good for your mother.
Yes, she's screwed up a bit but now she seems to have found|something to make her happy and you'll miss that.
|You refuse to be a part of that then you are gonna be very sorry.
- What, are you a drug dealer now?|- I'm a messenger.
I gotta go.
- It's 4:00.
|- You owe me.
I was there for you when no one else was,|and I want you there, and you owe me.
- I gotta go.
|- So do I.
I'm going first.
I know what I'm talking about.
I'm looking for stalks of wheat,|not processed wheat.
That's putting it another way.
|I need bare-ass stalks.
Sorry.
I know you can't eat it like that.
|I just need it for decoration.
No, I'm not going poofy on you, damn it!|Sorry.
I just need to know|whether you have it or not.
No? Okay, whatever.
Thanks.
Is there no wheat left in this country?|Isn't Kansas lousy with wheat? I recall Toto running through fields of it.
|Coffee to go, please.
- Why do you need wheat?|- Liz's wedding.
- Liz is getting married?|- She and T.
J.
- Did I know this?|- I guess not.
In New York? - In the square, a Renaissance thing.
|- Could I be a little more behind? I got sucked in, just like always.
First day, their cell phone died,|so I let them use the phone.
Then I offered to make the call|'cause I knew who they were calling.
I had to pick something up|'cause I couldn't find T.
J.
to do it.
I'm hunting down wheat stalks|and looking for local pewter craftsmen.
Do you know where I can find myrtle? - Did you check the bingo parlor?|- The plant.
Don't add stuff|from your to-do list to my to-do list.
- Here's your coffee.
|- Thank you.
I can't believe|I didn't know about this wedding.
- I'm caught up on everything, right?|- I'd say so.
I'm not paying for a motel,|so I'm staying with you.
Liar! I wasn't sure he was coming.
|I went to see him in New York.
I needed things picked up in New York.
Don't add stuff|from your to-do list to my to-do list.
- Sorry.
|- It's okay.
I should go.
Do you know that if|the entire population of China walked by the line would never end because|of the rate of population increase? That's my list.
|Every Chinese person in the world.
- Scary.
|- Scary.
- What do you think? Friday night good?|- I'm busy, Glen.
You're never busy on Friday nights.
|You always eat dinner early and watch TV and go to bed around 10:30.
You're spying on me? Close your blinds|if you're gonna be so sensitive.
Hello? Paris, slow down.
Where are you? Stop saying "the hospital.
"|There are tons of hospitals.
Which one? - You're here.
|- I do show up occasionally.
The place looks the same.
|Is that your dinner? Couldn't book my usual table at Le Cirque.
I wasn't sure what food I could eat.
Eat what you like.
|Start with the expired stuff.
Maybe I'll go out.
I'm hearing a good buzz|about a chow mein sandwich.
What's on the playlist these days?|I'm guessing Jethro Tull or Jethro Tull.
- Just stay away from that.
|- What's with you? Eat my food, use my shower.
|Just don't go poking around my stuff.
Mr.
Sensitive.
- Enjoy your evening.
|- Don't wait up.
you're a road in need of some repair.
If your score is between 30 and 40 points then you're a road laden with potholes|and you need a double striping.
And if your score is 40 or above it's jackhammer time|because your road is impassable.
- Yikes.
|- Chapter 7.
Men, a question.
What is fantasy? The answer.
|Fantasy is the imaginative fulfillment of your heart's desire.
And one of the most common fantasies|for single men is the fantasy of your ultimate companion.
Story time.
I had a friend,|let's call him Phillip who couldn't make up his mind amongst|three different women that he liked.
I developed a test for him.
And for you.
Goody.
Whose phone calls or visits|are never unwanted or too long? Do you see her face? Who would you most like to have|in your life to ward off moments of loneliness? Do you see her face? When you traveI, who would make|your travels more enjoyable? Do you see her face? When you're in pain,|who would you most like to comfort you? Do you see her face? When something wonderfuI|happens in your life a promotion at work,|a successfuI refinancing who do you want to share the news with? Do you see her face? Whose face appears to you, my friend? Whose face? Excuse me, I'm sorry.
|I'm not sure which floor to go to.
I've been getting conflicting advice.
|A friend of mine is here but she didn't say exactly where,|so I'm just wondering- Why do I have to say everything twice? I don't want my time wasted that way.
You don't want your time|wasted that way.
Lives are dependent on you people|not wasting your time.
I came here because of your reputation.
|Don't make me destroy it.
You have to lower your voice.
That is professor Asher Fleming|of Yale University.
He's an important man, and you're acting|like you're gonna sell his spleen to UCLA.
The procedures are the procedures.
Really? I thought|the procedures were a hat.
Hit me with some more lame tautology,|Socrates.
Enough.
Calm down, take a seat,|and let us continue our work.
You men, always telling us to calm down.
|Me, Hillary, Martha the second we make a squeak,|you're pushing us onto the fainting couch.
Asher asked for a moistened towel|20 minutes ago and no one's brought him|a moistened towel.
This man is an award-winning novelist,|a sought-after lecturer.
He deserves a moistened towel!|Give me a towel, I'll moisten it myself! Paris, come on.
Fill me in.
Stat! Do you not know|what "stat" means? - They say it on all the hospital shows.
|- Paris, what's happening? - It's Asher.
|- What's happening? We were out getting some gelato.
|He dropped his spoon and he started to lean on me|like he was about to fall and he was having these pains.
- My God.
|- We sat down, and he said he was fine but I got worried|because he looked so pale.
So I rushed him here to this chop shop|masquerading as a hospital and I can't get anyone to help him.
This is a really good hospital.
|They know what they're doing.
They wouldn't let me see him|because I'm not a blood relative.
He's got two grown kids.
Where are they? You put food on their table,|a roof over their heads - and this is how they repay you?|- Is it serious? It wasn't a heart attack.
|It was angina or something.
- I think he's gonna be fine.
But|- But what? The wobbling, the look on his face,|the angina.
He's old.
- What?|- He has pains, he wobbles.
I spotted him through the curtain|when the doctor came out and he was just lying|on that bed all alone and he had his eyes open|and was just staring at the ceiling.
- He looked so close to death.
|- He's not that close.
He's closer than me.
An anvil could hit you|on the head tomorrow and he could live another 40 years.
I'm 19.
I should be rollicking.
|Asher doesn't rollick.
He probably didn't rollick|when he was younger.
He's British.
You should have seen|how he was staring at the ceiling - like he was looking at God.
|- He wasn't.
You've probably been laughing at me|all these months.
- No, I haven't.
|- I'm in a hospital.
I should be at a discotheque.
|Are kids still into that? Let's get you something to drink.
|Let the hospital do their work.
- He orders old gelato.
|- Old gelato? Vanilla.
It's a very old flavor.
- I hate these pillows with a passion.
|- They look good.
- Good, not great?|- They look great.
- Great, not fabulous?|- Fabulous.
- Fabulous, not mondo-fabulous?|- Come on.
- They look good to me.
|- Good, not great? - Lorelai.
|- Twenty-eight to go.
Does it bother you that the word|"laundry" is misspelled? No! I proofed these pages a million times.
That breaks my heart.
|L- A-U-N-D-R-Y.
That's right.
- No, it's D-R-I-E.
|- No, laundry: L-A-U-N-D-R-Y.
- There's no "U.
"|- There's a "U" but no "Y.
" - There's a "Y" but no "I-E," and a "U.
"|- Or a "U.
" There's a "U.
" there's no "I-E.
"|It's a "Y.
" This is giving me a headache.
Does "consommé" have two "M's"? - Hey, Abbott, just assemble the books.
|- It's getting late.
How late can you stay, Sookie? As late as you want.
|Davey's with his grandparents and Jackson's sleeping with the zucchini.
- Is that farm jargon?|- No, he's sleeping with the zucchini.
- What does that mean?|- It means he's sleeping with the zucchini.
- Sookie, fill me in here.
Where's Jackson?|- He checked the weather forecast today and there's a potential cold front|coming in from Canada.
He knows how important the zucchini is|for opening-day menu- So "sleeping with the zucchini" means He's sleeping with the zucchini.
She's said it four times.
|You're very slow tonight.
You said to do whatever it takes|to make sure we have fresh zucchini.
- Within the realm of reason.
|- Now you add that.
- Where are you going?|- To the zucchini patch.
- All of us or|- Michel! - Boys, we have arrived.
|- You said it, brother, my brother.
- Stomachache?|- I'm fine.
- Check out the fresh nooks.
|- Nice and fresh.
- Not your scene?|- Not really.
Mine neither.
This is for the guys.
These days, there's nothing|I'd rather do in the world than spoon with your sister.
- Stomach again?|- That time, yeah.
Let's grab seats before they're all taken.
Lap dance? No, thanks.
I'm just here|for a bachelor party.
- That's why I'm here, too.
|- Thanks for the offer, but no, thank you.
But thank you.
It was nice.
|Thanks.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Luke, come on.
|You should get a lap dance.
- I'm fine.
|- Are you gonna stand all night? If I stand, there's no lap to dance on,|everything will be easier.
That's something there.
What you just said about your lap.
|The fact is, there is no such thing as a lap.
Think about it.
|It's there when you're sitting but it's gone when you stand,|so where does it go? It doesn't go anywhere.
|Meaning, it never was.
So a lap is just an illusion.
The way his mind works.
It's something else.
Where have you been? Bathroom.
It's best to use it|before the puking starts.
You left me hanging|with the lords of Flatbush.
I'm sorry.
- Aren't you gonna sit?|- He doesn't want to make a lap.
- A lap is an illusion.
|- What? Don't get him started.
- I want to talk to you later.
|- I always enjoy a good palaver.
We'll talk.
Thanks for the drink.
I owe you.
- You don't owe me anything.
|- You can go in now.
Thank you.
|I think I'm going to go talk to him.
And have the talk.
A real talk.
- Now?|- This can't go on.
It's too weird.
- Tonight's been sort of an eye-opener.
|- It's up to you.
We're supposed to leave|for England in two weeks.
I shouldn't string him along.
Now is good, and to do it is good,|for a number of reasons.
What reasons? I just meant all the reasons|that you already know.
- Wait for me? Take me home?|- Yeah.
I'll be right out here.
- Asher?|- Paris? Come.
- You needn't have stayed.
|- No.
I mean, I had the keys.
Then it was very convenient|that you did stay.
- Did you ever get your towel?|- Five of them.
And I'm very grateful.
Thank you, angel.
- Yes?|- Are you feeling better? - I'm feeling much better.
|- Good.
I'm glad.
You read all these awful stories|in the paper a guy comes in with a stomachache,|and they amputate his foot.
Come, sit down.
You know, a hospital seems|a wonderful place to discuss something serious, doesn't it? I guess.
I want you to know that I'm grateful for every moment|that we've spent together this past year.
You're wonderful company.
- I don't think I've said that enough.
|- No.
You have.
You know, I've had|other relationships like this.
- You may have heard talk.
|- I rarely listen to anything anybody says.
I didn't want you to think|that I was hiding anything.
- I want to be honest with you.
|- Thank you.
There's something very unique|about you, Paris quite out of the ordinary.
A lot of people have said I'm not ordinary.
You know, I'm going to be|very busy at Oxford.
I've been writing down all the places that I wanted to take you,|things you should see but I'm afraid there's not enough time.
So I was thinking of going alone.
I'd like you to go,|but I don't want you to be bored.
- You've been writing down places?|- I'd forgotten how many there were.
So if you want to reassess,|I will completely understand.
Do you want to reassess? No.
I don't want to go alone and I don't want to go with anyone else.
But then I'm selfish.
I get to be.
After all, I'm old.
You're not so old.
Hi.
I'm looking for Asher Fleming.
He's getting dressed.
|He should be out in a minute.
Thank you.
He'll be all yours in a minute, girlfriend.
- Miss Gilmore.
|- Hello, Professor.
- You ready?|- I'm going to go with Asher.
We're going to do|more planning for England.
- But I thought-|- Andrea, what brought you here? Mom called.
Paris, Rory, this is|my granddaughter, Andrea.
- Hi.
|- Hi.
Hey, there.
It's really nice to meet you.
I'm gonna be going home now,|because there's no rest for the wicked.
So I'll see you at home.
I'll just see you in class there, Asher.
|Professor.
It's really nice meeting you.
Bye.
I love mud, I love wrestling, I love girls.
|This is everything I love.
In one neat package.
- Here's our boy.
You having a good time?|- I'm having a gay old time.
You read so much,|I'm thinking of nicknaming you Reads.
- Good one.
|- Tough guy, huh? Your mom has this thought|she hasn't shared with you because she's afraid|you wouldn't be into it.
She'd like you to walk her down the aisle.
Usually it's the father that would do that,|but he's worm food.
- I knew that.
|- So, what do you say? - I don't think so.
|- She really wants you to.
I really don't want to.
- I'd like it, too.
|- You, too? - Yeah.
|- I don't think so.
- It's a short aisle.
It'll be over in a flash.
|- Get Luke to do it.
She wants you to do it.
- I guess we're at a stalemate.
|- I don't think we're at a stalemate.
Those girls are wallowing around|in slimy dirt and you're looking at me? - I don't want to tell your mom no.
|- I'll tell her.
- I don't want you telling her either.
|- Want to pitch in for a telegram? - Knock it off!|- Stop! That's it.
This whole group out.
Best bachelor party ever! My God.
I hate nature.
Jackson! - What are you doing here?|- What are you doing here? I'm sleeping with the zucchini.
|Didn't you tell her? She had a little trouble|grasping that concept.
I do not want you|to sleep with the zucchini.
- You said it was important.
|- They are.
And to keep them safe,|no matter what it takes.
- And there's a possibility of a cold front.
|- That's why you have heaters.
The heaters could fail,|so I'm here to service them.
Technically,|you're sleeping with the heaters? I don't want you to do that either.
- It's cold.
|- It's warm down here.
Jackson, I love that you're doing this,|but I also feel like I should call the guys with butterfly nets to come get you|and me and all of us.
- I'm so sorry, guys.
|- For what? For freaking out|about dumb things like zucchini and not realizing that people would|respond in very loving and nutty ways.
This is not the way to do this.
We're too stressed out.
|We're not having fun.
This whole inn experience is flying by.
- Tonight, it stops.
|- Sounds good to me.
It is nice and warm here.
We each have to drop something|off our list.
Something big.
It's the others|who get to pick for the person and the person cannot refuse|a reasonable request - to drop something.
|- Like a game.
- And we all win.
|- You're dropping the pillows.
- Okay, the pillows are history.
|- Good.
Okay, you are dropping|two desserts off the menu.
- A selection of six is all people need.
|- I'll second that.
I can live with that.
Michel, you won't ask for|10 references from each person we hire.
They are all such imbeciles.
|How else will we know? - We're capping it at three.
|- Five.
- Four.
|- I guess four's okay.
- It really is comfortable here.
|- I'm actually relieved about the pillows.
- You'll do them later.
|- Are you guys seeing these stars? - Beautiful.
|- I haven't looked at the stars in ages.
That's another rule.
We all have to|look at the stars more often.
Done.
- I'm very comfortable.
|- Me, too.
Tonight I got into a fight|at a strip club with my nephew.
A fight.
|I haven't been in a fight since sixth grade.
Vince Williams called me a doody-head.
|I took it very personally.
But you know what? Tonight was good.
|Tonight something happened to me.
I achieved this great sense of calm.
No more anger, no more frustration.
Live and let live.
You are who you are.
I cannot change that,|and I'm gonna stop trying.
I wish I'd felt this earlier.
Then I wouldn't have dragged you|down here.
I apologize for that.
But, I mean, if you really|hate your mother that much then you shouldn't be here,|you shouldn't walk her down the aisle and you shouldn't go to her wedding.
- I don't hate my mother.
|- You don't? Then I don't get it.
|Why weren't you coming, because of me? You hate me that much? I don't hate you.
- I came here because of you.
|- Stop that.
- You said it was important to you.
|- I didn't think you were listening.
So you don't hate your mom,|you don't hate me, so why weren't you coming? No.
Rory? Still? That's ancient history.
|You haven't seen her in a year.
I saw her when I was here|a few months ago.
- I didn't know that.
What happened?|- Nothing.
I told her What? I told her I loved her.
- What did she say?|- Nothing.
- You said it and walked away?|- I got in my car and left.
- You dropped the bomb and ran?|- I drove.
You didn't stick around|to see what she said? - No.
Obviously, she had nothing to say.
|- How do you know? She could have contacted me anytime|in the last three months, but she didn't.
- You change your phone number weekly.
|- The ball was in her court.
Jess, come on.
|You did this completely wrong.
Open, two-way communication|is the foundation of love and you cut that off.
I had this friend, let's call him Phillip who thought expressing intimacy|was a favor to his partner but expressions of intimacy|should be given freely and frequently.
He loved Judy,|but he used his love as a bargaining tool.
- Who the hell is Judy?|- Phillip's wife.
We call her Judy.
- I wasn't bargaining.
|- You were.
You had expectations out of line with|what you deserved.
You don't nurture.
Where are you getting this junk? - Life.
I've lived.
|- In a Bette Midler movie? I'm just trying to help you out.
Please.
You are|the most dysfunctional person I know.
- Not anymore.
|- Your marriage to Nicole, that was weird.
- I'm better now.
|- Yeah, right.
We're just a couple of losers.
- Things change, my friend.
|- Yeah? Stay tuned.
You really told her you loved her? - Where are we?|- Michel, wake up.
Hon, wake up.
- What happened?|- We slept with the zucchini.
- We slept with the zucchini?|- We slept with the zucchini.
I slept good.
I mean, really good.
That's the best night's sleep|I've had in weeks.
- My back was hurting.
It's perfect now.
|- It's like a magic zucchini patch.
- How are the zucchini?|- They can't wait to be soup.
- Luke, hi.
|- Where are you coming from? You know, the zucchini patch.
It's a long story.
No, it's short.
|I slept in the zucchini patch.
What are you doing here? - I wanted to talk to you.
|- Okay.
I got that wedding coming up and I know you're busy|with your to-do list and all but I think you could use a little break.
I could use a little break.
Take a break with me.
|Come to the wedding.
- It should be fun.
There'll be turkey legs.
|- Sure.
- Yes?|- Yes.
Good.
Yes, good.
All right, then.
I'll meet you at your house.
|We'll walk over together, okay? - Great.
|- I'll see you then.
- Or before then.
|- Either way is good.
- Yeah, me, too.
|- And you don't have to wear a fruity outfit.
- I'm gonna be a little fruity.
|- That's good, too.
What is it with you? Here.
I'm done with them.
Enjoy.
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