Grounded For Life (2001) s04e20 Episode Script

You know, you could shave it off, and if you didn't like how it looked, you could just grow it back.
Yeah.
Baby, I know I could grow it back.
That's not the point.
Okay, but you could grow it back.
It's such a hassle! Yes, I know.
It must be such hard work growing a beard.
Where do you find the time? Okay, I'll think about it.
The photographer's coming tomorrow.
Look, don't you want the family portrait to be accurate? Don't you want me to look like me? I want you to look nice.
Not if you don't look-- You know what I mean.
Come on, Sean.
The game's starting.
Hey, Walt, what do you think about Sean shaving his beard? I don't know.
Wouldn't the other hobos tease him? What's the deal? Claudia wants me to shave for the family portrait.
Well, you should look nice.
I do look nice.
Look, you've got a beard.
He looks distinguished.
I'm sorry, but the whole family's gonna be together, all right? It's just important that everybody look their best.
Our last family pictures haven't been so great.
This is the last good one we took, and it was six years ago.
Oh, wow.
That's the last one that mom was in.
She's beautiful, isn't she, my Catherine? I think I'll go out to the cemetery to see her this afternoon.
Yeah, we all miss her, Dad Well, life goes on.
Time to take a new picture.
Hurry up, fuzz face, or you're gonna miss the tip-off.
[cell phone rings.]
Hello? Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
I'll be over there in, uh20 minutes.
Who was that? Remember my friend Hope? Hope? With the long blonde hair? Yeah.
Yeah, she's ovulating.
I gotta get over there and give her a baby.
What? Hold on.
Give her a baby? Yeah.
She wants to have a baby.
I'm helping her out.
I've decided I'm ready to have a baby.
Wanna hook me up? Sure.
Whoa.
Wait, wait.
You are gonna be a father? Not a father, I'm fathering.
I'm providing the necessary-- Okay, we know what you're providing.
Okay, hold on.
Wait.
How exactly are you doing this? You know, natural insemination.
Eww.
What? That's the way Hope wants it.
She's old-fashioned.
Aw, is she? You know what? This is the perfect arrangement for you.
This is-- This is classic Eddie.
You know, have you thought about this at all? Making a baby is a very big deal.
I don't know.
You keep poppin' 'em out for Sean.
Yes.
And look.
Here's Sean now living in the house with the kids.
It's like we're a family.
All right.
Wait a minute.
She just calls you up, and you drive over there and you have sex, is that it? Yeah, pretty much.
I mean, she does reimburse me for travel expenses.
And as far as you're concerned, there's no consequences whatsoever? Not no consequences.
Sometimes I cramp up.
Gross.
Is Grandpa okay? Yeah.
Why? He started crying at a Red Lobster commercial.
He just misses your grandma, that's all.
Hey, Sean, why don't you and Eddie go with him to the cemetery, you know? It's be nice for him to have his family there.
Yeah.
You know, it's been a while.
That's a good idea.
Yeah, I got a 3:00, but I'll be done by 3:15.
Why don't we make it 4:00? Give you time for a shower.
That included a shower.
Hope's a lucky girl.
** [theme.]
What do you think? It's a little busy.
No, no.
It's the layered look.
I saw it on that show with the queers.
They call themselves that, you can't.
And you can't wear a jacket under a jacket.
It makes you look-- Rugged? Like you're stealing clothes.
It's a look! Mom, I need some money to buy Brad some clothes for the picture.
The picture? The family picture? Yeah.
Oh, sorry.
It's a family portrait.
That makes sense.
No, that's totally unfair.
Well, I'm sorry.
We have a rule.
But you've included Uncle Eddie's girlfriends? That's why we have the rule.
It's just simpler to make it family only.
That's cool.
No, it's not! Brad isn't just some babe of the week.
He's my soul mate.
But you wouldn't see that because you treat me like a child.
Brad, do you want me to turn the thermostat up? It's a look! Oh, guys, I need you to set the table for dinner.
Okay, Mom.
Oh, hey layered look.
I like that.
Really? Yeah, man.
Why don't you whip me up some cupcakes, sweetie? I should invite Lexie to be in our picture.
Who's Lexie? My girlfriend.
You don't have a girlfriend.
No, you don't have a girlfriend.
I do.
Lexie.
Since when? Since yesterday.
You're my boyfriend.
Okay.
Don't worry.
We can still hang out.
I'm not one of those guys who dumps all his friends the minute he gets a girlfriend.
Yeah, she's not a real girlfriend.
Whatever you say.
Single guys! Hey, Uncle Eddie.
Hear you have a girlfriend.
She's not my girlfriend.
I'm just trying to impregnate her.
I hear that.
You don't know what he's talking about.
Still heard it.
Oh.
Hey, Eddie.
Hey, Claudia.
[cell phone rings.]
Uh-oh.
When booty calls [ring.]
Lover boy.
[ring.]
Hello? You gonna answer that? I'm not in the mood.
[ring.]
Why? What's going on? That trip to the cemetery wasn't as much fun as I'd hoped.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
Where have you been, Eddie? I've been helping out my friend Hope with a project.
On a Sunday afternoon? I'm sort of on call.
What, you just come whenever she can squeeze you in? Something like that.
You look exhausted.
Yeah.
Hope must be riding you pretty hard.
Ha! I don't know what you're doing, but I gotta lot of free time if you want me to pitch in.
Yeah, you should let dad give it a whack.
Stop it! Hey, honey.
I brought your boys with me this week.
I'm sorry Sean didn't shave.
Thanks, Dad.
Hi, Mom.
Claudia sends her love, and the kids are great.
Oh! I brought some pictures to show you.
Henry, he's-- he's almost 11.
He's playing soccer now.
Don't hold it down like that! Why not? She's in heaven.
I'm not saying she's in hell! Just hold the picture up! What is the point of being here if we're gonna hold the pictures up? We can hold the pictures up anywhere.
Look, I don't know.
Why don't you ask this guy? Look--Look out! You're stepping on-- Dad, you just said she wasn't down there! Okay.
Sorry, Mom.
Here's the, uh Here's Lily at her Homecoming dance.
Uh, the guy with his hands on her butt, that's--that's her boyfriend Brad.
I'm sorry.
I should have looked through these better.
And Sean got into talking about his life and you and the kids.
And then it was my turn.
Oh.
Here's Jimmy at a chess tournament.
He's so smart.
Did I tell you Claudia's going back to college? Yeah, yeah.
Save some for next time, Sean.
Oh.
Okay, Mom.
Wellbye for now.
Here's--here's Ed.
Hey, Ma.
Same-old, same-old.
Still no wife or kids or anything.
No pictures to show.
Uh Just--just kinda kickin' around, you know? Uh--no, actually, I did do something.
I got my teeth whitened.
Not a professional whitening.
I got those strips.
So that's about it.
I, uh--My life is it is what it is.
You're not missing much.
I got nothing.
Oh! Hey, Mom.
Henry was in The Nutcracker.
He was-- Ahem! All right, I'm done.
Youyou have things you know? Your teeth look really good.
Thanks.
Thanks for trying, Claudia.
[cell phone rings.]
Stop it! I can't perform under these conditions! I gotta get out of here.
[ring.]
Mom, you made lamb? Yeah.
Brad can't eat lamb.
Oh! I didn't know Brad was staying for dinner.
You're welcome to, of course.
That's okay.
You never include Brad! She just did.
No, now she did, now that she knows you can't eat lamb.
He has moral objections.
Well, plus, it gives me the runs.
Good to know.
But it's cool, you know? I can eat around it.
No, it's not cool.
You are a part of this family no matter what anybody else thinks! You shouldn't have to eat something that makes you all sad and leaky.
Lily, come on.
Please don't make a fuss.
I'm doing this for you.
Well, then stop for me, stop talking for me.
I'm helping you express how furious you are! I'm just gonna go home.
Great.
Great.
Now look what you did.
Oh, great.
Hey, guys! It's dinnertime! You are a piece of work, Dad.
We'll discuss it later.
Let's not ruin dinner.
Something wrong? No, everything's fine.
It smells delicious, Claudia.
Okay, who would like to say grace.
I will.
Thank you, O lord, for these thy gifts that Oh.
Is it okay if I look down, Dad? Or is that an affront to God? Don't start, Sean! What's going on? Uh, nothing.
It was just a very emotional day.
Well, yeah, I can imagine.
You know, it's been too long since I've gone to that cemetery.
Next time you go, I'll go with you.
Oh, that's not necessary, Claudia.
Why not? Yeah, why not, Dad? Well, uh, uh the cemetery is no place for a girl.
She's gonna find out sooner or later.
Find out what? You remember that very sweet gesture dad did-- Sean! by getting us headstones in the family plot? Yeah.
Turns out it wasn't so sweet.
Henry was in The Nutcracker.
He was-- Ahem! All right, I'm done.
Bye, Mom.
Oh, hey, Dad, you forgot your coat.
That's okay.
What? I got it.
No, I got another one.
What? And leave it here? I got it.
Just leave it! Dad, don't-- Mr.
Tinkles! Mr.
Tinkles? Grandma's cat? You buried a cat in my grave? Yes, he did.
Your mother loved that cat.
My girlfriend has a cat.
Shut up! [Sean.]
Hey! Did you think I wouldn't find out? I wasn't thinking.
I thought by then one of us was going to be dead.
Are you out of your mind? Your mother loved that cat.
What? Just loved it! [cell phone rings.]
Oh, well, what do you know? After 16 years of marriage and three of your children, apparently I'm not even affinity anymore! Hey, don't look at me! I had nothing to do with that! Okay, let's calm down and be rational here.
Rational? There's a cat in my grave! [all arguing.]
[cell phone ringing.]
He can't do you right now! Who can't do who? Well, Mom, I hope you're happy.
I just called Brad.
He's not home, and his dad didn't know where he is.
I think we both know what this means.
We do? Yes.
You were mean to him, and now he never wants to see me again.
All I told him was that he couldn't be in the family photo.
Because he's not part of the family.
Okay, you know what? I am really not the one for you to talk to about who's in the family.
May I suggest your grandfather's German shepherd! Oh, hey, babe.
That cemetery director, he faxed me a map.
They still have a lot of desirable spots open.
Sean, I'm not interested.
You know, they're not next to each other, but we could get, say, these two.
They're kitty-corner from-- I'm sorry.
You're not listening.
I don't want to be buried anywhere near your family.
Look, you're mad at my dad.
I totally understand-- I'm not mad.
I called my mom.
She can get me and the kids a plot in North Carolina.
Well, what about me? You? You're covered.
As long as nothing happens to Mrs.
Tinkles.
Let me get this for you.
[thunder.]
Oh, Jimmy! This is Lexie, my girlfriend.
Jimmy didn't think you existed.
I never said you didn't exist, okay? 'Cause I do.
I know.
But you're not boyfriend/girlfriend.
Baby, you think you have a friend for my brother? Okay, I'm not dating a 10-year-old.
I know.
You're not dating anyone.
Neither are you.
Sorry you had to see that, babe.
Baby, you can't be buried in North Carolina.
We have to be together.
No, we don't.
'Til death do us part.
That's all I agreed to.
Okay, so you're-- you're mad-- I'm not mad, all right? Help me move the couch.
The photographer will be here in a second.
Why are you moving the couch over there? It throws the whole room off center.
What are you talking about? I was just watching that show with the queer guys.
Are you okay? I feel like crap.
Yeah? Things not so good with Hope? No, not so good.
I saw another woman.
Edwin Finnerty? Hey, Sister Helen.
I was hoping we could talk for a few minutes.
Seriously? I have no one else to turn to, and I kinda need some spiritualguidance.
Okay, but make it quick.
Access Hollywood is on.
This is a nice office.
Oh, thanks.
I put the faux barnwood in myself.
It's something I saw on one of those decorating shows.
The one with the queer guys? I'm not interested in their private lives.
Now, what is your problem? I feel like my life has no meaning.
Well, that can't be true.
You must have achieved something.
You'd think, and I've been thinking really hard.
You know what I've come up with? My school record in seventh grade track.
Hmm.
Actually, Jordan Ellison shattered that.
Who's he? She.
But why is this a problem now? I've just felt this emptiness.
No matter whether I'm sitting at home watching TV or I'm trying to have a baby with this woman.
What woman would that be? It's this woman who wants me to impregnate her, so I'm having sex with her all the time.
You're sort of out of practice on how to talk to a nun, aren't you? I'm sorry.
Look, the Church has a pretty well-publicized position on sex outside of wedlock.
We're against it.
You're doing one of the most meaningful things a human being can do in a way that's unbelievably meaningless.
Right! I guess I'm really in a bind here.
No, you're not.
Stop doing it.
Right, right.
Because if I don't get off this path, I'll never be happy.
I don't care about happiness, I'm a nun.
I'm saying you'll burn.
I guess I always knew it wasn't right.
You know, and--and I mean, the last couple of times that I've had sex with this woman-- Oh, I wish you'd stop telling me about this.
The last couple of times, it's just been Oh! No, no, no, no, no.
[talking, indistinct.]
So, have you talked to Hope? Not yet.
Well, it's not gonna be easy, but I think you're doing the right thing.
Well, thanks a lot.
I appreciate that.
What are you smiling about? He's just happy that I'm not gonna get anymore meaningless sex.
Damn right.
[doorbell rings.]
The photographer.
Good afternoon.
Hi.
Come in.
We're all set up on the couch.
Hey, guys! Picturetime! Okay, grownups on the couch.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
Where's my dad? Oh, uh, he may not be making it.
Why not? 'Cause I called him and told him it's tomorrow.
Why would you do that? Meow.
Aw! Claudia! Hey! If I'm not in his family, he's not in mine.
Well, I am in his family, and I'm not taking this picture without him.
Fine! Lily, come sit next to me.
No! Brad's in my family, and I'm not gonna take it without him.
And I'm not gonna be in it without my girlfriend! Come on, babe, we're outta here.
All right, you don't wanna be in my picture? Fine! Jimmy, come sit next to me.
I'm not gonna take a picture with just my mom and my uncle.
I'll look like a spree killer.
Fine! Let's do this.
Okay.
Smile if you're thinking about sex.
Okay, so you guys still want the platinum package? I don't think so.
[doorbell rings.]
Oh, Hope! Hi! Come in! Hi, Claudia.
I was hoping to find Eddie.
Uh, listen, if you see him, can you tell him to meet me at my place for the project as soon as he can? And if possible, to get ready on the way.
He's here.
He's in the kitchen.
Oh.
Great.
Eddie? What's up? You haven't been answering your phone.
I'm sorry.
I was kinda busy.
Well, come on.
Let's rock 'n' roll.
I'm dropping eggs like the Easter bunny.
Hey, listen, you know, I really don't think I can do this anymore.
Is it me? I mean, the, uh the giggling is just something that I do.
It means you're doing a great job.
No.
Hey, listen, the giggling? It actually helps me.
But look, I--you know, it's just I'm at a point where I feel like I need some, like, meaning in my life, and, you know, maybe you should find somebody else to do this with.
Really? I mean I can't just keep doing things that don't add up to anything.
If I'm gonna have a baby, I'm gonna wanna be part of its life.
[sighs.]
Oh, God.
I should have known better.
Have a guy like you come over, have sex with me and leave? Too good to last.
I'm sorry.
That's okay.
Well, I guess, uh I should go.
Maybe we--What if we went out or something? You know, what if we went to the movies? You mean like a date? Maybe if we went out on a date and then after that, if we still liked each other, then we could think about making a baby.
You know, that's what my sister did, and she's got two babies.
Let's uh-- let's give it a shot.
Yeah.
Let's give it a shot.
Sounds good.
Good.
Hey, Uncle Eddie.
This your girlfriend? Just a friend, but we're gonna go out and see what happens.
I hear that.
[thunder.]
Well, it's official.
You've driven Brad away.
Did you ever consider that maybe you drove him away? No.
Let me rephrase that.
You drove him away.
May I come in? Brad! You're all mucky! Yep, all three layers.
Dad, where were you? Well, I realized I did something stupid.
I hurt someone who was very, very important to me and I had to make it right.
[whistling.]
Do you have to keep whistling? It helps with the revulsion.
[whistling.]
Well, cut it out! You dragged Brad to the cemetery? Well, I would have taken Sean, but I was too ashamed to call here.
Oh, Walt.
What about your back? You know, you're soaked.
You must be freezing.
It doesn't matter.
What matters is that you're a part of my family.
That cat didn't belong in that grave.
You do.
Thank you, Walt.
Okay, let's take this picture.
Yeah.
And, Brad, you're part of my family.
And I-- He is not in he picture! Hey, Sean he dug up a dead cat for me.
I can be a little flexible.
Thank you, Mom.
Come on, everybody! [Lily.]
Aah! All right.
I'm ready.
Closed-Captioned By J.
R.
Media Service, Inc.
Burbank, Ca