Lexx s04e20 Episode Script

Corporal Harrison Birdie When this war's finished for me? Well, I hope to be spending all of my time looking after my little girl.
Private First Class Roland Bogie I don't know exactly what I wish for after the war - but I know I'm still gonna be protecting and serving the red, white and blue.
Sergeant Dwayne Eagle When I'm through with this war - well, I guess I'll just still wanna be with my buddies.
Ah! Lyekka! Lyekka! Hey, robot head - you notice anything strange around here? Yes - you.
Ha ha.
Hey Lexx, what's that? It looks like an asteroid, captain Stanley.
Well why's it moving so fast? Asteroids don't do that.
Would you like me to blow it up for you? Yeah, I think that might be a good idea, just to be on the safe side.
It is an alien craft, disguised as an asteroid, on its way to Earth.
What? Presumably related to the carrot aliens.
Wake up, wake up! Xev, Xev, come on, come on, wake up, wake up! It's the mother carrot ship, it's on its way to Earth.
I vote for blowing it up.
The aliens might develop an interest in Kai.
Yeah, I think we should blow it up too.
Why? Why? Because it's gonna wipe out everything on Earth.
The aliens are predators.
And a predator's natural and normal behaviour is to consume other life forms.
Oh no, don't start.
To consume other life forms is to act in accordance with its nature.
Well, I'm gonna act in accordance with my nature and blast it! Xev, you got a problem with that? Nope.
OK, two out of three.
That's good enough for me.
Three out of three.
To consume other plants and animals is natural and normal.
But to scour a planet of all life, which seems to be the carrot-asteroid agenda, is - unbalanced.
Yeah, exactly! Why do you care? What? Just curious.
For quite a while now you've been saying that the Earth is a stupid planet.
Yeah, so? Well, then why are you so concerned about what happens to it.
OK, Xev - it is a Type 13 planet, it's in its last stage, but I still don't think it should be eaten by aliens, I mean it's, it's defenceless against them.
I agree.
But let me ask you this - why didn't you just go ahead and destroy the asteroid? Why did you bother to wake us up? I thought - Can't you make decisions on your own, captain, hmm? Are you saying that I'm afraid to make decisions?! Hmm Ah! OK, Lexx, I order you to - No! - Lyekka? - Lyekka? If you destroy my ship, you destroy me.
But I don't understand why we had to come all this way to Vietnam.
I hate it! I have explained it to you Bunny - they won't let us just sit around the White House all day everyday watching cartoons.
Why not?! Because the President must be seen to be doing something.
Well, watching cartoons is doing something.
Look, Bunnykins, I don't want to be in Vietnam either, but it's important that a president keeps up appearances, that he is seen as bold and decisive - some of the time anyway.
Why Vietnam? Don't worry, Bunnykins.
I mean, how long can it take to play 18 holes with the Pope? What is 18 holes, anyway? I don't know.
I've never heard of a game called 18 holes - and whose holes, anyway?! We'll soon find out, won't we honey bunny pookykins.
Oh, Mr.
President - I'll go all the way for you.
I thought the Pope was a man.
Hmm? Who? Mr.
President Hello.
Such an honour.
It is, it is.
And you are - ? She's the Pope.
Oo, your excellency.
What a pleasure it is to meet you.
May I introduce First lady Bunny? Hi! Bunny? As in wabbit? As in chocolate bunny, Easter bunny, Playboy bunny? Hmm Can we call you Reginald? Yes, of course.
It is such an honour to meet you, Reggie.
Really? Oh yes, of course! A little while ago you were a nothing, a cypher, a zero, right? Now, you - are President of the United States of America.
You are the most powerful man in the world.
And we - we are the Pope.
Congratulations.
Life in the Vatican can be so hectic, as you can imagine.
We don't get out much.
And when we heard that you were coming back to Vietnam we thought, hey, why don't you show us around, we can do that wine and dine thing, we could get to know one another, you know, schmooze.
I can't show you around, I don't know anything about the place.
Aw, but you were missing in action for three decades, hiding in a rat-infested jungle, were you not? Oo, yes, yes, of course.
Aw, you poor thing.
Poor Mr.
President.
Poor, poor Mr.
President.
Poor Mr.
President my husband! Mr.
President, are we going to be able to squeeze in 18 holes? Or just 9? I suppose that depends on First Lady Bunny - she's very very very very jealous, you know.
Hello everyone.
It's a real hoot to be here, to bless this modern facility - amen.
And it's an even greater hoot to introduce you to the Commander-in-Chief of the number one real estate portfolio in the world.
Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States of America, Reginald J Priest The speech they gave you, in your pocket.
Oo, er - right First off, let me say how proud I am to be here with you today, especially Her Holiness Pope Genevieve the First, and of course everyone else.
As many of you know, this is not my first time in your beautiful ouch! your beautiful your beautiful and troubled nation.
I cannot help but hearken back to the immortal words of when he was being forced out of the Philippine islands by the invading Japanese so eloquently stated - um - you, um - you er - bad, bad, Japanese people! My whole family is on that asteroid.
If you destroy it, you destroy us all.
Wait a second now.
You can't be Lyekka.
Lyekka's dead.
You are - Stanley.
Whoa! Look, I know you can't be Lyekka, so don't try to fool me.
I am a plant.
Oh, here we go again.
I came into your dream.
- I saw a girl there who you liked very much.
- Yes.
- So I took her shape.
- Yes.
- So that I could talk to you.
- Yes.
So you're a plant.
Are you the same kind of plant that Lyekka was? I am a plant.
I am like Lyekka.
But - I'm not the exact same Lyekka.
I am - a new Lyekka.
I'm Lyekka's sister Lyekka.
Oh, like a twin sister Lyekka? Like a twin sister Lyekka.
I like you, Stanley.
You smell good.
What do you want, twin sister Lyekka? I'm hungry.
- That's a surprise.
- Me, too.
She's Lyekka.
What do you want to eat? All the tasty things in that little blue planet.
Told you.
- Shut up.
We sent our carrot probes down to see if there were good things to eat there - and there are.
There are lots and lots of rich greasy tasty things - especially people.
And we have to eat.
If we don't eat, we'll die.
So, you and your family plan to just go down to the planet and eat everybody? Everybody.
And everything.
Oh.
Yeah, you know now that I think of it, you know, it is a Type 13 planet in its last stage.
What?! Yeah, and you heard what Lyekka said, I mean, if she and her family don't eat they're gonna die.
That's natural.
Oh, it's natural, of course! Stanley, just a minute ago you were ready to blow up Lyekka's asteroid and now it's suddenly OK?! Well look, I - I'm just being more open-minded, OK? Yeah, it is a stupid planet I mean, you know, so, so - why should we care about it? And like - Lyekka being here, and hungry - you know, why not? - Kai? Eating everything on the planet is unbalanced.
What would you do afterward? Eat another tasty planet.
Lyekka, we cannot let you wipe out all life down there.
And when the universe runs out of planets, Lyekka will starve to death.
This universe has lots of yummy planets.
You guys are being way too technical.
Lyekka, look - as captain of the Lexx, the most powerful destructive force in the two universes - I hereby grant you permission to chow down on Earth.
Sorry Lyekka, we cannot allow you to eat the Earth - right, Kai? But - we will die if we don't eat.
Did you hear that? She doesn't wanna die! I know Stan but what you're trying to do is wrong.
We don't have to eat everybody and everything.
You don't? - No.
We'd like to eat it all, but we could just eat a small part of it.
What small part? Our carrot probes found yummy places with fat and greasy and delicious people.
We could eat a small area and leave the rest.
Now see - that's what I call a true spirit of compromise.
Lyekka here is willing to eat just a small part of the planet and not the whole thing.
Now, that's not being excessive and unbalanced, is it? No! Well, does it matter to you who you eat? No.
As long as they are - tasty.
Well, maybe there's a simple way to work it out.
Maybe Lyekka can - can agree with the people of Earth you know, what part of the planet they wouldn't mind her eating.
And how would this agreement be made? Well - I'm sure that Lyekka wouldn't mind getting together with the - leaders of the Earth and working something out, would you? I would, Stanley, - but who are the leaders of the Earth? And so I say to you, we send every last bad Japanese person back to - Japaneseland! Oo - which reminds me of a cartoon I saw just the other day with First lady Bunny.
There was this cat, you see, and he was all dressed up like a Japanese warrior - you know, with a big sword and a funny helmet.
Haiyonka miaow! You mean a samurai.
Oo, thank you.
Anyway, he was chasing a mouse who had a little white beard and a funny red white and blue hat - like the man in the painting in the White House.
Uncle Sam.
Please, Bunny, not now! Anyway, the cat swung his sword like this but he missed! And then the mouse pulled a bomb out of his top hat and tied it to the cat's tail and kaboom! But let me make one thing perfectly clear.
The mouse was ready for the Japaneseland cat every time.
Yes, he was.
Yes.
So, Kai-o-riffic, he's at the Khe Sanh Khuntry Klub, in Ho Chi Minh City in a country called Vietnam.
I'm feeding the co-ordinates now.
Where's the President? It's hot here.
Are you sure we're in the right place? Maybe he's in this building somewhere.
We're looking for the President, 790 says he's around here somewhere? Need to find him? Well, they're not here, no-one's in here.
Marine Colonel Delbert K Gore, Serial number 5429082.
Semper Fi, Sir.
Er, look guys - don't wanna interrupt whatever kinda - you know, kinky party you guys got going on down there but we're wondering if you might happen to know where Reginald Priest was? He's supposed to be around here somewhere? Maybe it's got something to do with golf.
Look, I'll tell you what - we'll just be on our way, OK? We'll just leave you to it.
That uniform - is that some new type of special forces? No, no, this is from the Cluster - you know, the Light Zone.
I was doing med evac in Da Nang in 68, and Charlie gets one lucky shot and I spend the next thirty years in this stinking hellhole.
We all got similar stories.
Golf is one weird game, huh? Yeah, so's this place.
Yeah, a golf course, right - Charlie's got a sick sense of humour.
And all that time we're thinking about just one thing.
What thing? Evening the score with Charlie.
Look pal, whatever the score is, OK, I think you should forget about your silly little game with Charlie, because we are on a very important mission - we gotta find the President.
The president? What president? Of the United States.
He's supposed to be around here somewhere.
With the Pope.
They captured the President and the Pope?! The godless commies have finally snuffed out the light of liberty.
Will you help us find them? Ma'am, I've been in this stinking Khe Sanh for 30 years, but I'm still a marine.
There's just 6 of us left out of the original 94, but we still fight for the red white and blue, don't we boys - yeah! We've been ready for this day for a long long time.
The only thing that held us back is we didn't have a ride home until today.
Charlie made this POW camp look like a golf course, but I'm sure of one thing.
What? Charlie don't golf.
Ho Chi Minh is a son of a bitch! Ho Chi Minh is a son of a bitch! Got the blue balls, crabs and the seven year itch! Got the blue balls, crabs and the seven year itch! Ho Chi Minh is a son of a bitch! Ho Chi Minh is a son of a bitch! And so I say to you, be careful how you eat your cheese, especially around the Japanese - haiyonka miaow! Fore! Where's Stan? Mr.
President! Boo! Stanley Tweedle! President Priest! Giggerota! Who? OK then, Queen.
Honey, do we look like a queen? Oh, so you two know each other? Oh, yeah.
No.
He's Stanley Tweedle.
Captain of the most powerful destructive force in the two universes - as if you didn't know! Nice to meet you - captain.
Everything's gonna be OK now, missy - the Eagle's here.
Stan! Stan! Excuse me - have you seen a man with a red suit and a hat? Do you know who's in charge here? There's no sign of him, or the President.
Where do you think they went? Upriver? Let's go.
Now what? Lyekka, let me ask you something.
Why can't you just leave this planet alone and go eat another one? Because I'm here, not on another planet.
This one has lots of tasty food, and I am very very hungry.
Lyekka needs to eat just like you need to eat, Xev.
Don't you ever need to eat tasty things? No.
The dead do not care about tasty things.
I need to eat something - soon.
Help! Help! Help! Somebody get us out of here! Oh, I knew coming back to Earth was gonna be a bad idea.
I hate this planet, I hate this planet, I just hate hate hate this planet! Oo, your Holiness.
We were wondering when we might be - Might be what? able to get back to the game - of 18 holes.
How about - right now? Excellent.
Look, Giggerota, Queen, Pope, whatever you're calling yourself this time - what do you want from us? Fore! Aw, missed.
That hurt.
Not as much as it will when we nail that gas can over your head.
Some people think it strange that a deadlocked college of cardinals would randomly choose a name from the real estate section of the Miami Herald to become the next pope.
We don't.
We always knew we were destined for greatness.
Ever since we woke up.
You woke up? Yes.
Woke up as Genevieve G Rota, president of Rota Realty.
And then we became the Pope.
But what were we before we became a real estate agent? A cannibal? We don't remember.
Close - but close does not count.
I thought it was an excellent shot, your Holiness.
You should take a second one.
All right, we will.
At you! Oh, no.
Fore! You were born, we were not.
We're special.
I wasn't born either.
I just woke up, too.
Really? Really.
What was that? It sounded like a large feline mammal called a tiger.
Stop the boat.
Why? I want to eat it.
Why? Because it sounds so yummy.
I don't trust her.
Do you want me to go with her? Yes.
Stay in the boat.
That's not a problem.
Lyekka! Lyekka! I could not find her.
Xev, I think it is fair.
What? That we allow Lyekka to eat part of the planet if she agrees not to eat the whole Earth.
But you said that she was an unbalanced predator who would probably go on to destroy the whole universe.
She has shown that she can act in a balanced way.
We can - support her now.
I think I hear her.
Be extra careful, Kai.
Why? Because I don't trust her.
Let's go back to the boat.
But you have not yet eaten the tiger.
I let it go.
Why? I thought you said you were very very hungry.
I am.
But I think - I prefer to eat people.
Did you eat the tiger? Lyekka says she prefers human prey.
They are soft and tender - with lots of fat.
That was very very very very close.
We can see you are a good shot, you don't have to practise any more, your Excellency-ness.
Look, look, whatever it is you want, you can have it, right? Right Mr.
President? Yes, yes, of course, we agree to everything.
The job of a pope comes with a pretty good real estate portfolio but - But what? It's not enough.
We want it all.
Well you can have it all, we don't care! That much to the left, and you would have been Tweedle toast.
We have a plan.
Shall we share it with you? - Yes! - Oh, please! One of you, is President of the United States of America.
The other - is captain of the Lexx.
And one of you is going to help expand our real estate portfolio.
And the other - won't be around to share that special moment.
Look! OK now, let's just warm up our hips a little bit, we're really gonna use them a lot in this workout, OK? And now we're gonna march it up - good! That's right, lift your knees higher! And lift - and lift - and lift - and lift! And squat - and squat - come on, Bogie - and squat - and squat! And lift - and lift - kick your knees higher, Birdie - and lift - and lift! And squat - and squat - yeah - and squat - good - and squat! And stretch to the left - stretch to the left - and stretch to the right - stretch to the right - Now stretch to the left, and shaky shaky shaky! And stretch to the right, and shaky shaky shaky! Don't look so nervous back there, I know you can do it.
Looking good! How you feeling boys? You look real great.
Whoo! All right, now we're gonna do a turn, a jump and a shimmy down.
And turn! And jump! And shimmy down! And turn! And jump! And shimmy down! That's good! OK, boys - now this one's a little hot.
And oo - and ahh - and shaky shaky shaky shaky! And oo - and ahh - and shaky shaky shaky shaky! And oo - and ahh - really shake it there Bogie - Looking good boys - it's so cute.
OK - and one, and two, and boogie woogie woogie woo.
Time you oughta come down, missy.
But were not even halfway finished the workout.
That's OK missy.
We're about to have another workout.
Oh.
With who? With Charlie.
It's almost twenty three hundred, Sir.
I know Birdie, that's why I'm helping missy down.
Birdie's got a gal, don't you Birdie? Yeah, back in Chillicothe, Ohio.
That's nice.
Birdie's not gonna make it missy - but you are.
Hey - you're safe with us.
Keep your head down now, Miss Bunny, like the sergeant told you.
Why? So Charlie don't get ya.
Who's Charlie? Charlie is - Charlie.
Oh.
- Where is he? - He's out there! Out where? Out there.
Tonight.
Tomorrow night.
Every night.
When, when you get back to the States, don't forget to tell 'em what the boys of the fighting 78th - He's dead.
Bogie was a fine marine.
It's gonna get too hot for you here soon, missy.
Let's go.
You'll be safe here missy.
What about you, Sergeant Eagle? Quick! Run! They're attacking! Who? Charlie! They were shooting and there were all these explosions and then Bogie was shot, and Eagle was blown up.
We didn't hear anything.
We saw you dancing.
But I don't understand.
I mean, they were all there, all these marines - really cute ones.
And we were dancing, and doing a workout, until the attack.
Perhaps this is the attack you were referring to.
What does it say? It says 'On September 15th 1968 Sergeant D Eagle, Corporal H Birdie, PFC R Bogie and 29 other brave marines defended this hill to the last man and Charlie never took it.
' But they were just here! I saw them.
This is one weird planet Bunny.
And a tasty one.
Hi LooLoo.
Lyekka.
I like you, too.
Help! Help! Bunny! - Baby! - Bunny! Look, look, I control the Lexx - kill him! - Slice.
- Let me go, and I'll dump Stanley Tweedle's gas can all over him and save you all this trouble.
- That's not the way we're playing the game.
Isn't your arm getting sore? I know mine would be by now.
- No.
Golf is bigger than all of us.
- Golf is the new catechism.
- Sometimes you bogie, - Help! - Sometimes you par - sometimes you eagle! - Help, somebody, somebody help us, get us out of here! And on the rarest of occasions, you score a holy in one! Yeah! Mr.
President! Bunny! Bunny! Oh, thank you Kai, thank you, thank you.
Giggerota? Who? We are Pope Genevieve the First, formerly known as G G Rota.
You are Giggerota.
You came here from the planet Fire with all the other evil spirits when the Lexx blew up the planet, right? That makes sense, in a weird way.
Hey listen guys, we were just enjoying a game of golf in true Vatican tradition, weren't we boys? We were not enjoying it.
Not in the slightest.
You're bad! Oh no, Giggerota was bad and Queen was bad.
She's completely crazy.
All she ever talks about is golf! Oh, listen - Lyekka's here to talk to the world leader, and I guess that must be you.
Uh uh, no no no no no.
There's been a change at the top of the leader board.
Isn't that right, Reg? No! I like you - and I like to eat people.
Ah, ah, that reminds me of a dream we've been having.
- You OK baby? - Yes, I'm OK.
My little studmuffin.
- My bunny wunny.
- What did she do to you? Tell me about your dream.
Well - we've been having weird dreams lately.
A good one? A people one - a food people one! Do you eat them? Oh, yes! Are they tasty? Oh, yes, yes, yes! Meaty.
Greasy.
- Crunchy! - Scrunchy! - Chewy! - Gooey! You are making me very very hungry.
Let's eat, girlfriend.
I will.
Ha, ha.
Serves her right.
Stupid cannibal was gonna burn us alive.
Hmm.
And she was very very tasty.
Good work, Lyekka.
Are you the leader of this planet? Tell her, Mr.
President.
Oo, I suppose I am.
I want to make a deal with you.
That's nice, but First Lady Bunny and I are now on vacation - so all deals are off until we come back, whenever that is, which won't be for a while.
Mr.
President, Mr.
President, listen - remember those carrot drones that are all over the planet? Oo, yes yes, of course.
Lyekka sent them.
Yeah, she's from the alien carrot mother ship which is soon gonna be here First Lady Bunny and I will of course be leaving on the Lexx with you, right? No! Oo.
That's not good then.
But rather than eat the whole planet, the three of us thought it would be more balanced if she just ate a part of it and then moved on.
Yeah exactly, I'm glad to see you're coming around to my point of view, Xev.
So, what part can I eat? Eat, er - the Japanese.
They're just a menace and a nuisance.
They sound tasty.
Do we have a deal? Yes yes, eat Japaneseland.
That works for me.
Works for me, too.
Me too.
Kai? The dead should not meddle in the affairs of the living.
OK, look, we're ready to go back to the Lexx, all right? Don't worry, it will happen.
I'm the President, remember? Yeah, you're my President.
You're my First Bunny.
The football, toss me the football.
Bunny, the atlas.
- The funny book with the maps in it.
- Oh.
Vietnam, Vietnam, Vietnam, Vietnam - here it is.
Goodnight, Vietnam.
- Peow! - Peow! Peow! found on The Memory Catacombs