Melissa & Joey s04e20 Episode Script

Now that Ryder's home, we can have a real family game night.
We haven't done that in forever.
What do you say? Yeah.
I'm not really feeling it.
Great, we're all on board! And I'll pick the game, just because, well, I do.
We got this as a wedding gift.
Ooh, "Kouples Kwiz.
" Oh, and it's spelled with K's.
So you know it's fun.
"The party game where couples compete to find out who knows their significant other better.
" So, who are the couples? Me and Joe, you and Zander.
Call your boyfriend and get him over here.
I can be the host.
I got a tuxedo just like that guy.
Yeah, I'm not playing the stupid game.
Oh, what's the matter, Blondie? Afraid you might lose? Afraid your aunt might show you up? Huh? Huh? Huh? Okay, you can't poke me into wanting to play this game.
Huh? Huh? Huh? Okay, that's it! "Zander, get your ass over here!" All caps.
It's on.
Sync & Corrections by Darcade Does this say game show host? No, it says donate me to charity because I don't fit anymore.
Hey, what was with the all-caps? I thought someone died.
Not yet.
We're about to play this game and destroy Mel and Joe.
Hey, look, do me a favor, all right? Please don't get too competitive with Lennox - and ruin another game night.
- I promise I will be a good sport.
Yo, Lennox, ready to lose, loser? All right, it's time to play "Kouples Kwiz.
" If the couple's written answers match, they get a point.
And the team with the most points wins Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's how all games work.
Make with the questions! Ryder: All right, here we go.
"Who calls the shots in your relationship?" Think carefully, couples.
- Ow! - Sorry! Will you stop trying to lead, please? Just let me lead.
That's not leading, that's shoving me around the dance floor.
The man leads, the woman follows That's how it works - in the dance world.
- Just shut up and dance.
Look, he fits in my arms perfectly, and he already knows my name.
Burke! Burke, Burke, Burke! Come on, let's take him.
- No.
- Why not? You want all 500 reasons, or just the top two? All right, number one, you're gone all day at work, and number two, I am not babysitting your shedding fur ball.
He can hear you.
Come on, this is really not the right time for you and me to be adopting a dog.
- You can see that, right? - Yeah, you're right.
It's not a good time now.
But you know what, buddy, it's not you, it's us.
Well, mostly him.
You know what, he is going to find the perfect home, okay? I can feel it.
Come on.
Joe, look who found the perfect home! I've been thinking about this, hon.
I think we should take the money, and we should both get something for the house, something that we both like.
Aw, Joe, that's so sweet.
Oh! I know just what the living room could use.
- What? - A brand new Italian leather purse.
And I know just where to find it.
Italy! I like that, but you know what I think would look good in there? How about this? A motorcycle with two helmets.
Yeah! No.
I know you've been complaining that you can't get to your clothes in the closet, so I weeded out all the stuff we don't need.
Oh, great.
Hey, these are all my things.
Yeah, but it's just records, books, trophies, family photos You know, junk you don't need.
Why is all my stuff junk? Maybe that's a question you need to ask yourself.
If you ever actually do get me tied up, what are you planning on doing with me? I don't know, what do you want me to do to you? Ah, you know, honey, I'm not really sure if you're clear on the role of the dominatrix.
See, the way it works is that the dominatrix I've been wanting to do that for four years.
Hey, Mel, Joe, who calls the shots in your relationship? - Me.
- Me.
Mmm, no match! Couple number two, who calls the shots? Oh, I have those same boxers.
Wait, are you wearing my boxers? Ryder did the laundry and he got everything mixed up.
I'll just give 'em back.
You know what, keep 'em.
I, uh, I did get my S.
A.
T.
results back.
- I just didn't want to tell you.
- Aw, sweetie, that's okay.
You know, scores aren't important.
I got a 2300.
You beat me by 200 points! No freakin' way! It's 250.
What, are you saying I can't add? Technically, you can't subtract.
Just give her a chance.
Fine, I'll ask the beautiful bisexual girl out.
But I'm only doing this for you.
Oh, you know, I just have one question about this last panel here.
There were no other folders in Japan? Ow! You both said "Lennox.
" It's a match! And incredibly sad.
Couple number two takes the lead.
Ha! Who's the better couple now, losers? All right, next question is about the ladies.
"What will your partner say is your worst habit?" Aunt Mel, you first.
What will Joe say is your worst habit? You're still writing? The man asked for your bad habits.
One, one bad habit.
Um, I would say, my worst habit is: "I'm too patient sometimes.
" Or she "gloats!" What? When have I ever gloated? When have you not gloated, honey? Come on, you're like a gloat-aholic! - Get inside.
- Oh, I can get as cocky as I want Because I committed a felony, and didn't get caught.
No one down there at the office was concerned about a married man having lunch with an attractive single woman? You think I'm attractive? Let's stay on topic here, okay? Joe, single people are allowed to talk to married people.
I know, I know, I'm just sayin', it looks a little Funky, a little hinky.
Uh, it is neither funky nor hinky.
But let's get back to what's most important here.
So on your attractiveness scale, where am I? Like eight? Nine? Eleven? I got to go pay bills.
Ha ha, eleven.
I still need you to do one tiny thing to help me get over this.
Name it.
Say I'm a better driver than you.
It was an accident, it could've happened to anybody.
Yeah but it didn't, it happened to you because I wasn't paying attention.
And that makes Mel A better driver Than Joe.
It doesn't really count unless you say it all together.
Mel's a better driver than Joe.
This chardonnay pairs well with humiliation.
Y'know, I'm not wearing a tuxedo, but that sounds suspiciously like no match! Ho-ho.
Zander, what is Lennox's worst habit? You know, I'm sorry to have to say this, honey, but it's "too sarcastic.
" Ah! Thanks a lot, Zander Yes! We're still in it! For being right! Whoa! Another match! This is turning into a blowout for couple number two.
You know, if you guys want to forfeit, you should probably do it now before it gets embarrassing.
Ooh, too late.
Great idea.
"Let's do game night.
" We cannot let Lennox and Zander beat us.
I figured out a strategy.
You swiped the cards? That's cheating.
And brilliant.
Exactly.
Okay, here we go.
Okay, first question: "Where is the weirdest place you've ever hooked up?" Ah, there's so many to choose from.
Don't you remember what it was like to be young and fun? - Hey, I'm still young and fun.
- Yeah, I don't see it tonight.
Yeah? You wanna see fun? I'll show you fun.
You actually owe me a favor.
I think it might be fun to cash in on that right about now.
What are thinkin', like couch or desk? Well, I'm thinkin', um, ladies choice.
Well, lady says Desk.
Nothing ever breaks when they do it in the movies.
What are you? I gotta tell you something, sweetie.
This has been the longest ten days of my life.
You know, I never dreamed we'd conceive our child in the central supply closet.
Yeah.
- I found the toner! - Joe: Oh, my You know, being in the back seat of my car makes me feel like I'm 16 again.
- Yeah.
What? - I mean 18.
What the hell is this? Oh! Aldo! Are you having sex on my sandwich board? Out! And take that defiled caciotta with you! What did he call me? He was talking about the cheese.
Great, let's go with sex on the big cheese.
Great.
Should we do another question? Yeah, let's do 'em all.
I'm not takin' any chances.
All right, if everyone is ready, let's go to the next question.
Oh, Mr.
judge, it looks like you dropped your cards.
- Joe: Hmm - Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
Okay, "where's the weirdest place you have ever hooked up?" Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, I am not talking about that kind of stuff in front of these two.
Skip to the next question.
But Joe and I know this one! What do you mean, you "know this one"? Are you accusing us of cheating? Look at what the fear of losing has done to you.
Right? Making false accusations based on absolutely nothing.
Uh, aunt Mel, I can see a card sticking out of your pocket.
Yeah, I'm just gonna open a fresh pack of cards.
Damn! Aunt Mel, Joe, this one's for you.
"What is Joe most afraid of?" Mmm.
We got this.
We don't need to cheat Not that we were cheating.
Um, "cheese in a can"? Where-where'd you come up with that? You said that was the worst thing in the world.
It is, but I'm not afraid of it.
Okay, what are you afraid of then? Um Again, no match.
You know, I could have told you what Joe was most afraid of.
Okay, here it is.
Well, wait a minute.
That's a shot.
There's no pills? Joey, you afraid of needles? No.
No! It's okay if you are, you know.
Everyone's scared of something.
- I got a fear.
- Yeah, I don't want to hear about it.
Wax dummies.
What part of I don't want to hear about it was unclear to you? Clearly you were scarred.
You need this shot, Joe.
It's the only way you're gonna get better for the dance.
I know, but I can't give the shot to myself, so If I'm gettin' the shot You're gonna have to do it.
Awesome.
How do you know how to do that? Watch a lot of Grey's Anatomy.
Okey-dokey.
Put your leg up.
I'm rethinking this.
Do you wanna get better or not? Okay, fine! All right.
Okay, on the count of five, okay? - So we're going on five? - Yeah.
Okay, five, all right, all right.
- One - Yep, mm-hmm.
- Two.
- What the! - What happened to five? - Ooh, I got excited.
So, Ryder, in your world, what exactly do the words "just between us" mean? I'm hosting a show here.
Couple number two, "what was your most exciting romantic moment with your partner?" I told you no intimate questions.
Period.
End of story.
Oh! Then game over, Joe and I win! Just for the record, that's the gloating that she doesn't do.
Uh, fine, we'll play! Ooh, I got a good one.
A real winner.
I think I've got the same one.
I don't remember that.
What? Yeah, you do.
We were in bed in Joe's old room, and he almost caught us.
Hey.
I was, uh, just gettin' dressed for the wedding.
What's up? Janie ran away, all right, so I need you to put your clothes on, and go around the neighborhood and help me look for her.
Of course, Uncle Joe.
He's gone.
I don't think he suspected anything.
If he did, I don't think your head would still be attached to your body.
Would've been worth it.
I wasn't even in the room for our most exciting romantic moment? It was with Marco? I want to change my answer.
No.
No, apparently you want to change your boyfriend.
What? No.
Zander Zander, wait! Forfeit, forfeit! I will be back.
And we'll all be back Right after this.
Zander, look, I'm sorry.
Okay, will you please just come out of the bathroom? I make one little mistake and he gets all hormonal.
You go downstairs.
I'll try.
- No, it's locked.
- I got this.
Yep.
Zander? Zander? Zander? You know, I locked the door for a reason.
Zander, you're in a relationship.
People screw up.
There's worse things than blurting out the wrong name at the wrong time.
That's nothing, believe me.
Tell that to Marco.
I mean, that's who she wants to be with.
She doesn't even think about me.
What? That's wrong.
All she does is talk my ear off about how much she cares about you.
- Really? - Yeah, she tells everybody.
What does she say? Well, um Zander is so unprofessional! You know, when I was going out with Zander, it was just his constant over analyzing of every little moment, it was too much! I just received the most massively inappropriate text from Zander.
One might say you are displaying some possessiveness about a certain ex-boyfriend whose name begins with Zander.
Okay, for the record, I have no feelings for him.
Well, nothing specific comes to mind, but in a general sense, you are very important to her.
Well Okay.
Zander is just so sensitive.
Yeah, but isn't that a good thing? You're not taking this seriously.
You're not taking us seriously.
I'm just trying to save us.
We don't have to break up like every other couple who tries a long distance relationship.
Thanks for protecting our relationship by pretending in doesn't exist.
No, I'm just trying to establish some rules so we can keep this thing from ending in anger and tears.
Bravo, you've done a bang-up job of that! Zander? Oh, hi, Lennox.
Um, Ryder posted about Mel's accident online, so I got her this.
Oh, and this is for you.
It's hand sanitizer, 'cause I don't want you to get a staph infection and die.
You know, 'cause you mean a lot to Everybody.
You know, maybe some day you'll forgive me and we can get back together some day.
Okay, bye.
- Oh, my God, Zander - Look, I need to talk to you.
Okay, just listen.
I've given this a lot of thought, and I know that you're pregnant, and obviously, it's not mine, so I can only assume that it's Emerson's - Well, okay, Zander, no, I - Just let me finish, okay.
Okay, I know that we're just supposed to be friends now, and You just need to understand that you're not alone.
Okay? 'Cause you have me.
And you'll always have me.
You want to be with me even if I'm pregnant with Emerson's baby? Yeah, I do.
You are amazing.
Kinda crazy, but mostly amazing.
You're right.
I don't deserve him.
Why do you put up with me? Because you're worth it.
Both: I'm sorry.
Aw, look at that.
Reunited.
Now let's destroy them.
Okay, everybody, markers down.
Couple number one has fought their way back, and we are all tied up! So, I will repeat the final question: "What was the moment you knew you were in love with your partner?" That time we got caught in the rain at the Gazebo at the lighthouse and you rapped "The Sound of Music.
" Uh, it was our first fight And how we made up.
Aw, that is such a sweet answer.
Ryder: No.
Sweet and wrong.
Aunt Mel, Joe, answer this correctly, and you take the whole game right here.
But I need another minute.
Me, too.
Um, I was wondering, you know, there's this mayor's annual gala next month, and I have to bring a date, and it'd be awkward to go with my nanny, but in a month, you'll be my Well, you'll be my nothing.
Or you could be my plus one.
Whoa.
You know, I saw on the news that the airport was open this morning.
Oh.
Well, yeah, the Toledo airport was open, but if you would've checked Newark, you would've seen Newark was open too.
You lied to me when you said you couldn't get a flight out.
Hey, 'tis the season.
You're a good person.
I am.
One time a year.
You know, I am a little curious about something.
Yeah, what? Your abs are so tight that, um, just, does this hurt? - Does what? - That? - What? - That? - That? - Sorry.
- Come on.
- Is there a strong draft in here? Oh, come on.
Somebody tryin' to do something? Come on, go ahead.
I don't feel anything.
I don't feel any Okay, okay, that's it.
Hey, are we back in time for karaoke caroling? - Just in the nick of time! - Yes, yes, you are! Hey, Mel, you're so sweet for coming with me this weekend.
Seriously, I mean, everybody was so happy to see you.
You know that? Nobody more than Joe, though.
- Mmm.
- Okay? I'm so glad I did.
Is this official now, because, you know, if not, I can just, um Hop in my house and drive away.
Yeah, let's give it a shot.
How bad could you be? You'll find out, won't you? Ryder: Time.
Aunt Mel, Joe, when was the moment you two knew you loved each other? Nothing? Well, there's so many, I couldn't pick just one.
Can you forgive me? I don't know Can you forgive me? Oh Ha! No match! The score's still tied.
Give us another question.
Well, actually, aunt Mel and Joe win.
What? How can they win with two non-answers? Because they match.
That doesn't make sense! You know what else doesn't make sense? Love! Hey, the judge has spoken.
- Mel: Aww - What? This is so not fair! Guess what's even better than winning? Watching my sweet niece lose.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Whoa! Whoo! What? That's gloating! - Let me at her! - Okay, it's fine! Okay, losers now go to the doghouse and pick a humiliation card.
"Losers sing the official loser song.
Lyrics below.
" This is my new favorite game! Both: doghouse losers sing this song losers, losers All right, will you guys stop, please? That is the worst singing I have ever heard.
Wanna bet? When you proposed, and I agreed to marry you, I have to admit, you know, at first, I was afraid.
I was petrified.
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side.
Are you okay, sweetie? But then I spent so many nights thinkin' how you did me wrong Isn't this song about a relationship that didn't work out? And I grew strong and I learned how to get along Ladies, back me up.
Oh, no, not I I will survive - Russell, help, please.
- as long as I know how to love - I know I will stay alive - I've got all my life to live - Hey you guys! - I got all my love to give - This is not a wedding song! I will survive Oh, what the hell.
I will survive!