NewsRadio (1995) s04e20 Episode Script

Don't forget, we're all invited to Mr.
James's smoker tonight.
Yeah.
What is a smoker anyway? Oh, we used to have those in college all the time.
That's where you turn the lights down, crank up a little bit of Dark Side of the Moon.
No, Walt.
No, this is a different kind of smoker.
This is where a bunch of rich, old men sit around eating steaks and then smoke cigars.
Oh, cigars.
Yeah, cigars.
And then afterwards, I think there's gonna be some boxing.
Well, you know, I understand the steaks.
And I don't even mind the cigars.
But boxing? That's just gay.
Come on, Lisa.
This is a tradition that dates back to the cradle of Western civilization itself.
No, Bill.
Once again, you're thinking about all-nude Greco-Roman wrestling.
This is gonna be, uh, amateur flyweight boxing.
Oh, but I thought you said it was gonna be at a men's club.
Different kind of men's club.
Oh.
No, no, no.
Look, folks, look.
All that amateur flyweight boxing stuff-- That's all-- That's all played out.
No, tonight-- tonight's smoker's gonna be something really special.
All right.
No-holds-barred, all-out Ultimate Fighting.
Two men enter a ring.
One man leaves! No rules, no time limits, no place to hide, baby.
- Who's gonna be fighting? - I thought you'd never ask.
In this corner, weighing in 185 pounds, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome rattlin', battlin' Joe "the Gorilla" Garrelli! Thank for the robe, Mr.
James.
No problem.
No.
No, no, no.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
It's all for charity, Dave.
No.
Joe, Joe, have you ever done this before? Well, I haven't done it, but I watched it on pay-per-view.
I never paid for it, but-- Yeah! All right.
Well, who-who's Joe gonna be fighting? I thought you'd never ask.
In this corner, weighing in 143 pounds, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the dancer, the prancer, the lady romancer, Matthew "the Rock" Brock! Is there any way we can get these sleeves hemmed? 'Cause I'm, like, swimming in this.
That's okay.
I'll take care of it.
Mr.
James, you didn't tell me I was gonna be fightin' him.
I can't do this.
I understand you're scared, but you can't let him see that.
He'll use it against you.
Yes, Matthew? You're going down, bitch.
All right, Dave.
I don't want you to panic, but I know you consider me your best friend, so I'm just gonna blurt this out.
Joe's having an affair with Lisa? No.
Matthew's having an affair with Lisa? No.
Beth is having an affair with Lisa.
No.
Walt is having an affair with Lisa.
Oh, good, you already know.
But tell me, are you coming to grips with it? Bill, Walt is not having an affair with Lisa, all right? Granted, he has a-- you know, a schoolboy crush on her, but can you blame him? - Dave, this is your woman we're talking about.
- No, no.
Lisa is not my woman.
She has not been my woman for about three months, all right? And I'm fine with that.
And Lisa's fine with that.
Everybody's fine with that.
Why are you the only person who isn't fine with that? Because this swing-and-swing-alike attitude might have worked back in the glory days of free love and Fredo's Retreat, but please-- I think you mean "Plato's Retreat.
" Dave, you're talking to a card-carrying member of the hot-tub generation.
With the emphasis on the word "member"! I-I-It's no way to live your life! Really.
And, Bill, you just make it sound like such fun.
Oh, it was more than fun, Dave.
Mm-hmm.
A lot more.
I remember we used to have what they called "key parties.
" Key parties, huh? Yeah, you know, where everyone throws their car keys into a big bowl, and then picks a set of keys out at random and-- And? And then you get to take someone else's car home.
You know, I kind of think the point of those parties was to take somebody else's wife home.
Well, no wonder they never invited me back.
Is your own life so boring that you have to obsess about imaginary love triangles that you're not even a part of? Yes.
Um, yeah, again, we understand that it is all for-- Charity.
Yeah.
charity.
Yes.
But to put Joe in a boxing ring with-- No, not a boxing ring.
It's an Octagon of horror.
Haven't you ever seen Ultimate Fighting? Yeah, I have.
What? Joe lent me some of his tapes.
But, you know, Matthew's not gonna get killed.
He might have some secret techniques that might surprise you.
What techniques? They're secret.
You don't know what they are.
Matthew's been hounding me for months.
He knows what he's doing.
Besides, if he gets in trouble, he can give up.
Mr.
James, Matthew doesn't give up.
She's right.
He does not quit.
No.
No matter how stupid, whatever it is he's doing, he just keeps on doing it, and doing it, and doing it, and doing it, and-- Actually, on second thought-- Yeah, it's gonna be good.
I'm glad you two could, uh, see it my way.
No! Oh, no.
[ Groans .]
I can't do this.
Then don't do it, Joe.
As many times as I thought about squashing the little dude, those are just fantasies, mere pipe dreams, idle reveries.
It's not like something-- Whoa.
[ Matthew .]
Hey.
Sorry about that.
Didn't see you standing there, little man.
I want you to listen to a phone call I had with Lisa last night.
Bill, you didn't-- you didn't tape-record a phone conversation with Lisa.
Oh, relax, Dave.
She didn't know I was taping the call.
She had no idea! Just listen.
[ Bill .]
So where were we? [ Lisa .]
What do you mean, "Where were we?" You just called me.
[ Bill .]
Right.
I was referring to that thing we were talking about.
[ Lisa .]
What thing? I picked up the phone, I said, "hello.
" You said, "It's Bill.
" I said, "Hi, Bill.
" And you said, "Where were we?" Let me just fast-forward.
You sure? That's pretty damning stuff.
[ Tape Fast-forwarding .]
[ Bill .]
Is it that you don't trust me? [ Lisa .]
If you'll just tell me why you're calling.
Uh, Lisa, I believe you were the one who called me.
Bill, you are fully dressed right now, aren't you? Yes.
[ Lisa .]
Good-bye.
You were, weren't you? - Were what? - Fully dressed? Are you challenging my constitutional right to make nude phone calls? Hi.
Hey.
So, uh, has Walt invited you to the spring formal yet? You know, I think you could let me have a little fun with this, Dave.
It's only a crush.
Oh, I know.
I think it's sweet.
It is.
Has he given you any more presents? Yes.
Uh-huh? - He gave me a CD this morning.
- Oh, a CD.
What? Richie Havens.
[ Chuckles .]
Richie Havens? Yes.
He said he read somewhere that protest music was very important to people of my generation.
And that doesn't make you feel really old? No.
No, it just makes me feel like he's young.
Uh-huh.
And maybe not that bright.
Which is what makes it so cute.
Yeah.
[ Light, Rapid Knocking .]
Come in, Matthew.
Yeah, hi, Dave.
[ Clears Throat .]
I was just looking over this piece that you edited for me, - and I have to say I'm a little bit upset.
- Deedle, deedle, deedle.
- I'm sorry? - Well, what-what did you wanna talk about? - I think you and I have to work at least an hour and-- - [ Barking .]
- What are you saying? - Matthew! Yes? Get to the point, all right? - Well, the point is, is that-- - [ Meowing .]
No, I-I-- Actually, maybe we should just talk about this later.
All right.
I'm right here when you need me.
All right.
- What was that? - Well, I have found from experience that sometimes the only way to get rid of Matthew is to act completely insane.
Does that work? - Well, I-- - [ Light, Rapid Knocking .]
[ Howls .]
Matthew, you sure you wanna go through with this tonight? I think the question is, are you sure you wanna go through with this tonight? No, I'm not.
As a matter of fact, I'm scared to death about what I might do to you.
Well, how do you think I feel, Joseph? You think it's gonna make me happy to humiliate you in front of everybody? You think it's gonna make me happy to hear you scream, "Stop it! Oh, my God! Stop.
" "For the love of Pete, stop, stop, stop.
I give up.
You win.
" All right, dude.
Well, whatever happens tonight, I just want you to know that I love you.
Oh, yeah, that's sweet.
But no sex before the fight.
All right, little lady? Right there.
How can you sit there and let Joe kill Matthew tonight? Joe is not going to kill Matthew tonight.
Matthew's probably gonna get in the ring, have an allergic reaction to cigar smoke and have a sneezing fit until the ref calls the fight.
That's what I thought too.
But then I thought, "Hold it.
What if that doesn't happen?" Then, I thought, "No, don't be silly.
What else could happen, right?" But no, I mean, seriously, then I think-- What? No, I'll just be a minute.
- Who are you talking to? - You.
And then you thought? Um, I was just-- I was saying that I thought it was weird.
I mean, I had a lot of thoughts.
No, no, no.
The blue one.
Definitely the blue one.
- Feeling okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
I just have a lot of work to do, so if you could-- Yes, I suppose the red one is nice too.
What's your point? Um, uh, I think I'll just-- Maybe I'll come back later when it's better for you.
Okay.
What the hell was that? What was what? Oh, man, I thought Matthew was the only one in this office who had imaginary friends.
Oh, no.
I was just acting crazy to get Beth off my back.
And that works? Hmm.
Sorry to interrupt, but, Lisa, I just, I really-- Just a sec.
No! Because I said so, that's why.
Wow.
So, anyway, like I was saying, if I get him in a headlock, he's gonna try to kick me.
If he tries to kick me, then-- You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Go on.
Well, anyway, if he kicks me, then I'll-- [ Stammers .]
Well, we can talk about this later.
Okay.
What are you-- What are you doing? Just a little trick.
You want someone to leave you alone, you act completely insane, and they go away.
And that works? Seems to.
I'm surprised no one ever tried that on me.
[ Sighs .]
Matthew, you can't go through with this, because Joe is gonna pulverize you.
Oh, that remains to be seen, doesn't it? You see, it's all psychological.
It's all about honing in on your opponent's weakness, and then striking.
[ Hisses .]
Where are you going? Oh, I'm listening.
I'm listening.
Go.
- Okay, well, Joe's not gonna pull any punches! - Yeah, well, me neither.
Ohh! Matthew, this is Ultimate Fighting.
Ultimate Fighting! Two men enter.
One man leaves! Or in this case, one man and one half-man, half-whatever-it-is-you-are, enter, and then one man leaves.
Are you listening to me? Yes.
I just wish you'd have more faith in my secret techniques.
What are you doing? Oh, uh, yeah, this.
Um, it's a little trick I learned.
If you wanna get rid of somebody, you act completely insane, and they go away.
Who are you trying to get rid of? You, silly.
Incredible.
Wow, it works.
Hey, Dave.
Hey.
How we doing? Fine.
How you doing? Yeah, good.
You're probably wondering why I'm naked.
[ Meows .]
You know what? Maybe we'll-we'll talk about it another time.
It's okay.
He's gone now.
You can put it down.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I wanted to warn you.
I think Walt's gearing up to ask you out on a date.
Oh.
He already has, and I said yes.
It doesn't bother you, does it? I think you're getting carried away with this crush thing.
Did I get upset when that sweet, 18-year-old intern from Accounting had a crush on you? - Oh, that's different.
- Why? Well, for one thing, he was a guy.
Yeah.
And he was convinced I was gay.
Well, yeah.
You know, then he brought his mother into work and introduced me as his boss/husband.
It was still flattering, wasn't it? Oh, Lord, yes.
Hey, Walt, what you doing? Ah, a clean desk for a clean boss.
Right.
Dave, you are not gonna believe what happened.
What? I asked Lisa out on a date, and she said yes.
Well, that's great.
Good for you, Walt.
Good for you.
Where are you taking her? Taking her to the smoker tonight.
[ Chuckles .]
No, no, no, Walt.
That's not a date, you silly.
- What are you talking about? - It's work related.
We're all going.
I mean, for that matter, you might say that I was going with Beth.
- Oh, so you're into Beth, huh? - No.
[ Beth .]
Pardon? I mean, I love Beth on account of she's so wonderful.
[ Beth .]
Thank you.
All right.
But that doesn't make it a date.
[ Beth .]
Why not? Well, because we work together, we're friends, and it would be inappropriate.
Well, what about when you went out with Lisa? You guys were friends who worked together, but, what? That wasn't appropriate? That was appropriate? Hey, I'm sorry.
I guess I got a little ahead of myself.
That's all right.
Don't be embarrassed.
We all make mistakes now and again.
Thanks for straightening me out.
No harm done.
So, if that's your definition of appropriate, excuse me.
You're the one who set the precedent, so I-- - You sitting down? - No.
Good, because here it comes.
I think Walt is planning on asking Lisa out on a date.
You better have some audiotape to back that up, or I'm gonna have to ask you to leave! Well, guess what.
[ Lisa .]
Bill, if you wanna talk to me, just talk to me.
[ Bill .]
I just prefer the telephone.
It's more intimate.
[ Lisa .]
Going downstairs to a pay phone on the street is more intimate? [ Vehicle Passes, Honks Horn .]
[ Bill .]
What? I'm sorry.
There was a truck.
[ Lisa .]
Bill, I'm about to hang up.
[ Bill .]
Okay, I understand we have to speak in code.
So how's this? [ Clicking .]
If you, Lisa Miller, are having an affair with Walt, say "Good-bye, Bill.
" [ Sped-up Gibberish .]
[ Lisa .]
Bye, Bill.
[ Clicks Off .]
Give me that tape.
- [ Thuds .]
- Bill, I hope you're not the sort of person who'd go down to the loading dock later and rummage through the trash to retrieve that tape.
Hey, how do you think I got Lisa's home number in the first place? [ Chattering .]
My point is, is that you say this is not a date, and yet you asked me to come with you.
No, I didn't ask you to come here with me.
You overheard me saying, hypothetically, that it was like I was coming with you.
Big diff.
It doesn't matter how I heard it.
You cannot take me on a date and claim it's not a date.
I'm not that kind of girl.
All right.
It's a date.
Oh, okay.
Excellent! Okay, what did you bring me? What? What do you mean, what did I bring you? When guys take me out on dates, they usually bring me a little something.
Like what? Money? You know, just because we're on a date does not mean you have the right to speak to me like that.
All right, all right, all right.
Okay, here you go.
An authentic subway token.
Oh, that is so sweet.
Aww.
Have I told you that you've got the most beautiful eyes that I've ever seen? Nah, that's probably 'cause I'm always wearing these damn glasses.
Matthew, where are you, son? You ready to rumble? I'm right here, ready as I'll ever be.
Now, you sure that eating three hot-fudge sundaes gonna be good before the big fight? I'm trying to bulk up.
All right.
Mr.
James, please don't make me do this.
Well, sounds like somebody's a little bit chick-chick-chicken! I don't wanna hurt him.
Maybe, uh-- Maybe Matthew will surprise you, Joe.
Yeah, but maybe I'll kill him.
Yeah, so many maybes.
That's, uh-- That's what makes it exciting, Joe.
Say, Joseph, uh, can I interest you in a little side wager? Dude, don't do this to yourself.
I got a million dollars that-- You don't have a million dollars.
I got $1,000 that says-- You don't have $1,000.
A hundred dollars says-- You don't have $100.
Ten bucks says I can make you tap out within 45 seconds.
Let me see the 10 bucks.
Can I borrow [ Imitates Chicken .]
[ Bell Rings .]
[ Man .]
Ladies and gentlemen-- Don't cry, Bill.
we come now to our main event.
No, I do love sharing with you.
The Ultimate Men's Club-- Fighting Championship! The problem is, I have no idea what you're talking about.
And the fight is about to start.
Hello? I'll call you later.
[ Bell Rings .]
[ Referee .]
No biting.
No eye-poking.
Beyond that, anything goes.
Fight's not over till one man taps out, okay? Yeah.
For what I'm about to do to you, please, forgive me.
Say good night, sweet prince.
Fight! [ Kissing Noises .]
[ Groans .]
Well, looks like somebody fell into my little trap.
Just tap out.
I was just about to say the same thing to you, Joe.
All right, dude.
That's it.
Yeah, it is it.
Tickle, tickle, tickle.
No! No! No! No! No tickling! Anything goes! Anything goes! Sorry.
Maybe they should call it Ultimate Tickling.
Stop it! Tickle, tickle, tickle! Who's got the tickles? I do! Say it! Who's got the tickles? I've got the tickles! Now, tap out! Good boy! [ Bell Rings .]
[ Crowd Cheering .]
[ TV: Chattering .]
[ Phone Rings .]
Hello? It's me.
Oh.
Hi, Lisa.
Hi.
Uh, I was just calling to make sure you didn't get the wrong idea about me leaving with Walt.
Oh, well, don't worry about that.
Okay.
I just didn't want you to think anything happened.
Oh, well-- Did anything happen? Uh, well, he kissed me good night.
Oh.
I mean, I hope that doesn't upset you.
Oh, no.
I mean, why would-- I mean, you know, Beth insisted on giving me a kiss good night.
Yeah, well, so we said good night and then he, uh, tried to kiss me again, and I said, "Walt, maybe we should just, you know, slow things down.
" Yeah, and then? And then he went home.
Really? Well-- Does that surprise you? Well, yeah, it does.
It does a little, to be honest with you.
I mean, if-if I was you, I might have just said, "What the hell?" Well, I'm not you.
Well, thank God for that, huh? [ Line Clicks .]
Oh, I'm getting my call-waiting here.
Okay.
Bye.
Okay.
Okay, good night, Lisa.
[ Beeps .]
Yeah.
Hello? Did you see that? Walt left with Lisa at the end of the night! Bill, he was just trying to make sure that Lisa got home okay, all right? Oh, really? Yes, really.
Listen to this.
Oh! [ Man .]
Hello? [ Bill .]
Lisa, it's me.
[ Man .]
I'm sorry.
There's no Lisa here.
[ Bill .]
Then I'll make this brief, Lisa.
If Walt is there in bed with you, just tell me I have a wrong number.
[ Man .]
I think you've got the wrong number, pal.
Wow.
You know what, Bill? I'm really pretty tired, and I'd just like to get some sleep now, okay? All right.
You get some rest, pal, and put this whole sordid affair out of your mind.
I'm on top of it.
Thanks.
Good night.
Good night.
Bill, I thought you said you were just gonna use the bathroom and then go home.
No dice.
You shouldn't be left alone tonight.
Oh, Lord.
Sure you wouldn't be more comfortable on the couch?