Parks and Recreation s04e20 Episode Script

Okay, everybody, latest poll is Newport, 40%, Leslie, 32%, with everyone else way back.
Now this debate is our best chance to close that gap.
Chris, Ann, and Tom, you guys will be talking to reporters, providing facts, general spin.
- Spin team! - Spin team! This is the best possible job for me.
I can literally make anything sound positive.
Your house just burned down, and you lost all your money in the stock market.
It's a chance to start over.
Fire is cleansing, and true wealth is measured by the amount of love in your life.
If I had to have anybody tell me that I had cancer, I would want it to be me.
Ron, April, and Andy, you'll be throwing a party for our biggest donors.
Ooh, I can't believe our house is going to be full of rich people named Dottie and Todd and Rick.
Is the menu all set? Yes, I will be providing several slabs of my world-famous Swanson ribs.
And I will be providing my world-famous $100 lap dances.
- Sweet! - No.
Okay.
The election is in two weeks.
The debate is in nine hours.
Let's get to work.
Wow.
Can't believe we're doing this here.
Seats, like, 800 people.
Well, that's what you get when your opponent's the most famous person in town.
This is a lot bigger than my high school debate auditorium.
Exact same size as the podium you use in the Parks department.
Opening statement.
I am Leslie Knope.
I love this town, and I've worked my whole life to make it great.
I believe that I've earned your vote.
Bobby Newport believes he can buy it.
- You got this.
- I got this.
You could debate Newport in your sleep.
I have.
I know.
We sleep in the same bed.
It's been hell.
I finally get a chance to stand in front of everyone and talk about the town that I love.
What if the town loves Bobby more than me? There's no way.
You're going to destroy him.
I'm going to wipe the floor with his face.
You're going to rip out his spine with your teeth and then chew it up and gargle with it.
I love it when you're needlessly disgusting.
I'm trying to clean up for the party, but I swear to God, my arms can't move that way.
Leave it messy.
It doesn't matter.
Nothing matters.
Life is garbage.
What happened? Ann broke up with me.
For reals this time.
And all I did was call into this radio station and give her a sweet little shout-out.
So we're up in the club.
It's me! We're dancing.
We're sweating.
Let's just say we got to second that night.
Kind of.
Me so horny.
This chick's name is Ann Perkins.
Look her up on the government website.
She is crazy hot.
Isn't that great? Come here.
Aah! I complimented you.
I guess she's just afraid of how powerful her feelings are.
Dude, that's not why she broke up with you.
You have to stop your stupid swagger and just tell her in a normal voice that you care about her.
What do you know? You don't care about things.
Yes, I do, I care about Andy And champion.
And I want Leslie to win, and I like sleeping.
So everybody has things they care about.
If Ann is yours, you need to tell her.
Okay, Chris, hypothetical crisis.
Leslie just tried to answer a question and audibly farted then threw up.
Spin.
Leslie Knope is literally overflowing with ideas for this town.
And speaking of methane, have you heard about her plan to limit greenhouse gas emissions? - Wow.
- Nice.
- Spin team! - Spin team! Ann and I make such a great team.
It's silly that we're not a team in real life.
I just heard those words come out of my mouth, and I have made a decision.
I've heard that you and Tom Haverford are no longer romantically involved.
Is that true? Yes, we broke up.
And I honestly can't believe we ever dated.
Does defy logic.
Okay, I still have feelings for you.
Strong feelings.
Emotional, primal feelings.
And I would like to give our relationship another try.
Chris, we dated for, like, three months a year ago.
I honestly think that you've built this into something that it wasn't.
And according to your rule, we can't date because you're my boss.
Maybe not for long.
If Newport wins, the city council may replace me.
But it would open it up for us to be together.
Would you like that? Don't answer.
Just think about it.
Come on.
Let's spin.
So you do a lot of investing? - We like to dabble.
- Mm-hmm.
I recently invested in some shirts I got at a garage sale.
Left those at Wendy's on the way home.
So The economy.
Hello.
You are here because you gave us money.
Now we will give you ribs.
Also you will watch the debate.
If you like the debate, you'll give us more money.
That is all.
Ron Swanson.
Uh-oh.
Somebody forgot to pay the cable bill.
Am I right? It was me.
Do it.
Fierce.
Power.
Pump it up.
Nothing gets me more amped than Sarah McLachlan.
Opening statement.
I am Leslie Knope.
I love this town.
I've worked my whole life to make it great.
I believe I've earned your vote.
Bobby Newport believes he can buy it.
I have the best campaign manager in the world.
I wouldn't say that.
Jen's a killer.
You can beat Newport.
I don't know if I can beat her.
Here's what I know.
I love you, and I like you.
I love you, and I like you.
And the home of the brave Your boy looks a little lost out there.
Oh, he'll be fine.
Expectations are crazy low.
If he puts two sentences together without crying, the press is going to say he's doing surprisingly well, and if he falls to pieces, he's going to look sympathetic.
It's a win-win.
So do you have any idea how long this is going to take? Good evening, everyone, and welcome to the event we are doing tonight, which is a city council candidate debate that we're going to start now.
I'm Perd Hapley.
And I am legendary newswoman Joan Callamezzo, newly single.
It's time for opening statements.
I am Fester Trim.
Many of you know me as the man who sells you your guns at the gun-believable Gun Emporium.
Whoo! I want to tell you about my idea for assault rifle vending machines.
You might be thinking, "what does an adult film star know about politics?" Well, I've produced and starred in over 400 adult films this year alone.
- Whoo! - Thank you.
And just like Leslie, I know what it's like to be the only woman in a room full of men.
I am Manrico Della Rossa.
I believe animals are as important as people.
And if elected, I will fight for them as if they are my own children.
I am Leslie Knope.
I love this town, and I've worked my whole life to make it great.
I believe that I've earned your vote.
Bobby Newport believes he can buy it.
And maybe that's because he's never earned anything his entire life.
That--that hurt my feelings.
Hurt my feelings.
You're supposed to be this positive person.
Can't we just talk about things we like? Well said.
Uh, just a reminder to our candidates to keep it civil.
Looking at you, Leslie.
Ah, that's okay, Joan.
I'm okay.
I'm just-- I'm nervous, man.
I'm nervous.
Gah.
I guess I want to do a good job because, um, I like it when people think I do a good job.
And I want your vote because I want Pawnee and my dad to see what I'm made of.
So let's do this.
The wrecking crew.
Who let you guys in? Hey, Jason.
Ease back.
This question about public safety comes from Twitter because apparently, that's something that happens now.
@munchmeat2015 asks, "Pawnee used 2 b safe.
"Some1 stole my car.
"What will u do "2 make Pawnee safe & can u help me find my car?" I can assure you, if you had a gun mounted on the dashboard, which automatically shot people trying to break into it, you would still have your car.
You know, I guess I would like to tell Mr.
Munchmeat that I think that stinks that happened to him.
You know, one time a guy stole some downhill skis out of my jeep.
And I was so mad, I punched a mailbox.
I'm against crime, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
I can't get through to the cable company.
Can you do something? - Like what? - Anything.
Andy's just acting out scenes from his favorite movies.
So Swayze runs, boom! Tackles the guy off the motorcycle.
Dude's like, "you're dead, bro!" Comes at him.
Swayze ducks, scissor kick.
Sha! The guy has Swayze's head.
And he says, "I used to [Bleep.]
guys like you in prison.
" By the looks of this guy, this is not consensual sex we're talking about.
We see bad guy had a gun the whole time.
He's like, "I'ma kill you the old-fashioned way.
" Swayze's like, "not this time.
" That's subtext.
He doesn't say that.
Bypasses the gun, hooks the arm.
Back to the secret move he used before to kill somebody, he feels so bad about it.
But this time he has to do it because it's self-defense.
K-k-k-kah! Takes the esophagus out of the neck area.
You can't eat.
You'll starve to death.
And that is Road House.
What should I do next? Leslie Knope.
This question is about Pawnee's park system.
Why is Ramsett Park so filthy and awful? It's difficult to get into the complicated problems with Ramsett Park in such a short amount of time.
- You have 20 seconds.
- Oh, my God, okay.
I will say that the parks in Pawnee-- I do have an update on your time allotment, and that update is that your time is almost gone.
I have no more time left? Well, you had some time when I started talking, but by the time I finished, your time was up.
Thank you very much.
- She's off her game.
- She's fine.
Mr.
Newport, rebuttal.
I know this.
If something is dirty, we should clean it up.
Let's start there.
Right? You know what, I had this cleaning lady named Yolanda who was very wise.
She basically raised me.
And one day she said, "little Bobby, I'm not going to clean your room no mas.
" And from that day on, my room was gross.
Really bummed me out.
I think we should make our parks look like my room after Yolanda finally, you know, gave in and cleaned it up for me.
If I may, Joan.
That's a very sweet story, Bobby, but not all of us have Yolandas who can clean up our room for us.
Some of us believe that you need to roll up your sleeves and do the hard work yourself.
I'd just like to say that, like Leslie, I don't have people do my work for me.
Leslie and I do our work ourselves.
My work, of course, is having sex with men and women on camera.
Once again, Brandi and Leslie are essentially the same person.
But Bobby Newport is super handsome and charming, so that means people will probably vote for him because there's no justice in the world.
How do you respond to Newport's claim that the city parks need to be cleaned up? Leslie Knope works tirelessly every day, so our parks can be the best they can be.
our parks "pristine.
" And we all know the better-looking a park is, the more attention it will get from lady parks who want to have sex with it.
Excuse us.
What the hell is wrong with you? We're fighting for our lives out there.
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe the fact that we just broke up, and you're already riding the Traeger train.
What are you talking about? I saw you guys getting back together.
What about us? What about us, Tom? We're not together any more because you keep acting like an ass.
I'm sorry.
I just act that way sometimes Because I'm nervous, and I feel like you're out of my league.
But I'd do anything to get back together with you.
Please.
Vote for me to be your boyfriend.
Ben, he's winning.
How is he winning? Everything he's saying is nonsense, and he's fooling them.
Okay, you're doing fine.
I need to go back on the attack.
No! No, no, no, no, no.
See, okay.
When you attacked, you kind of came off like a bully, and he looked sympathetic, so, you know, y-you did a really good job of easing off.
- Leslie, this is fun, isn't it? - Yeah.
Well, there's no reason on earth that I can think of that we shouldn't have concussion grenades in our nation's movie theaters.
By the year 2013, we will have a fully functional mall on Jupiter.
Sure, I agree that movies should be more faithful to the books that they are based on, but what does that have to do with this election? All my movies are based on books.
And anyone who even rubs their hands on a leather jacket should be tried for murder.
I'm an American.
My father is an American.
My mother is an American.
My godfather is the viceroy of the principality of Liechtenstein.
Once again, people, grenade launcher.
Daniel Craig.
No Timothy Dalton.
I was in favor of closing the borders bookstore, not the border to Mexico.
I guess my thoughts on abortion are You know, let's just all have a good time.
I don't care about that issue.
Just ask someone else.
For the record, I'd appear in a film with any of my fellow candidates.
- Anteaters.
- Kill shot.
- Money shot.
- Fudgsicles.
Let's spend our money on what matters.
Police, fire, parks, and schools.
After a rough start, your girl's doing okay.
Um, I think she's doing a little better than okay.
Or did you miss the applause she got on the raccoon safety question? Oh, that was great.
That probably pulled her even with Bobby.
I can't believe you're so casual about this.
Don't you even want to win the debate? Oh, we're gonna win the debate.
Got an ace in the hole.
- Little surprisey-wisey.
- What? Oh, you'll see.
Hey, quick question.
Does that guy Chris Traeger have a girlfriend, and is his penis normal? Stop talking.
You guys, uh, know anything about a guy named John Rambo? Open on villagers being thrown out into a rice field.
Land mines blowing them up into pieces.
After I steal this cable feed, I will repay the cable company for the service we used.
This last question before the break is for Mr.
Newport.
Uh, some--not me--have criticized your involvement with your father's candy company Sweetums.
Would your affiliation with big business affect your decisions as a city councilor? I want to run this town like a business.
My opponent, Leslie Knope, has a very anti-business agenda.
Recently, my dad told me that if Leslie Knope wins the election, they'll probably have to move Sweetums to Mexico.
That would be terrible, of course.
Thousands of people in this town would lose their jobs, and we all wouldn't have candy.
Now, I'm not saying that is gonna happen, but I do know this.
If I win I bet I could get them to stay.
Wow.
Shocking stuff.
We're gonna be back with our closing statements right after a word from our sponsor, Sweetums, Pawnee's biggest supplier of candy and jobs.
Stick around.
So Sweetums is gonna move to Mexico if Bobby doesn't win? How could they do that to this town? - What a crappy stunt to pull.
- One minute back.
What do we do? I think we attack him.
He's more confident now.
I have to attack him.
And say what? We didn't plan for this.
- What would you even say? - I don't know.
I'll figure out as I'm saying it.
Just let me attack him.
I want to attack him.
No, no, no, no.
It's too risky.
Just go with the closing statement we rehearsed.
Add a line at the end about how you're pro business, and we'll deal with the fallout tomorrow, okay? What? What's the matter with you? I can do it.
I can crush him.
I promise.
Ah, screw it.
Go get him.
- Really? - Kick his ass.
I am lineman for the county and the Wichita lineman Is still the line The final thing these candidates will say are their closing statements.
We will begin with our first candidate to go, Bobby Newport.
How do we fix this town? I have no idea.
You tell me.
That's what I'm counting on.
You telling me.
And that's how it ends.
I loved it.
It's called Babe.
And I know it sounds corny.
Talking pig.
Whatever.
You should all see it.
I feel like I just did.
It's on.
And, Leslie Knope, closing statement? I'm very angry.
I'm angry that Bobby Newport would hold this town hostage and threaten to leave if you don't give him what he wants.
It's despicable.
Corporations are not allowed to dictate what a city needs.
That power belongs to the people.
Bobby Newport and his daddy would like you to think it belongs to them.
I love this town.
And when you love something, you don't threaten it.
You don't punish it.
You fight for it.
You take care of it.
You put it first.
As your city councilor, I will make sure that no one takes advantage of Pawnee.
If I seem too passionate, it's because I care.
If I come on strong, it's because I feel strongly.
And if push too hard, it's because things aren't moving fast enough.
This is my home.
You are my family.
And I promise you I'm not going anywhere.
Holy [Bleep.]
, Leslie, that was awesome.
Thanks, Bobby.
Yeah! Play it.
Woo-hoo! Knope 2012! Hyah! Hyah! Ron! What the voters saw tonight is an undeniable fact.
That one of these candidates is right for this town, and one of them is not.
Thanks, guys.
Ann Perkins! Uh-oh.
I'm sorry, Chris.
It's very flattering.
I just-- I just don't think it's a good idea.
It was worth a shot.
Well, I hope that whoever you end up with treats like you like the amazing person that you are.
Thank you.
And I am going to go run some stairs and work through these feelings.
- Is he sad? - Oh, my God.
He looks sad.
I'm not going out with Chris again.
Does that mean we're getting back together? No.
I don't know.
No, not right now.
There's a chance I'm never gonna date anyone ever again.
I'll take it.
And you know what else? I'm coming for you, girl JustLikeYouWant.
Just get out there and spin, man.
You got it.
Leslie Knope is scrappy like a terrier.
She's smoooooth like a blended whiskey.
My girl has big ideas and big feelings, and she's not afraid to express 'em.
- Was I too mean? - No, you were perfect.
- Leslie! - Hey! - Oh, it was amazing.
- Oh, thank you.
Hey, how was the spin room? It was a lot.
We'll talk about it.
Woo! We did it! We did it! Oh, my God, I was so nervous, but we completely go through it.
I haven't felt this good since I scored that lacrosse goal at state, seriously.
Hey, party at my dad's lake house.
Bring whoever you want.
Scrawny Christians, missionaries, come to him, and they're like, "Are you John Rambo?" He's like, "yeah.
" And they're like, "we need you to take us upriver.
" And he's like, "it's a war zone up there.
" And they're like, "yeah, we know.
We're gonna change things.
" And he's like, "you bringing any weapons?" They're like, "of course not.
" "Then you're not changing anything.
Go home.
" And then they come back in a rainstorm.
This time he says, "nope.
Go home.
" They go home again.
Bottom line, they go upriver.
Does not go well.