Raising Hope s04e20 Episode Script

1 Yes.
Perfect! Excellent! Well, that puzzle only took four hours.
Maybe now they'll finally go home.
Okay, who wants to watch a movie? Me, movie! No, no, no, no, no, no.
Hope, you gotta go to bed, honey, 'cause you got school tomorrow.
Come on, please.
Come on, please.
I got Lord of the Rings: Return of the King "Limited Edition.
" Don't you have to go home for Maw Maw? Oh, we didn't tell you.
Mm.
She's with the Dead now.
What?! Later on, suckers.
I'm going on a long, strange trip with Syrup Sam.
I'll be back when I'm either grateful or dead.
Okay, you guys do realize that the Grateful Dead broke up, right? Yeah, but she doesn't know that.
Come on, this will be great.
I heard this version has an extra 20 minutes of just watching Hobbits sleep.
Um Mm.
Uh actually, if you guys don't mind, uh we have to get up early.
What for? Spin class.
Uh yeah! We've gotten pretty good at it.
Well, that is good.
Can you go faster? Whoo What the hell, guys? What? We took up finger painting.
What's wrong with that? Yeah, we don't judge you for wearing the same stupid four shirts.
Yeah, we get it, you like pancakes.
Guys, we just got Hope's report card, and it says she's been absent 18 times.
None of which were excused by us.
Do you know anything about this? No! We stopped caring about report cards when you were in the first grade.
Both times.
The school said that you guys have been picking her up in the middle of the day and bringing her back before it ends.
Guys, we know you love Hope and we know you want to spend time with her, but she's gotta be in school.
Well, forgive us for trying to be caring and involved grandparents.
Why is the hot tub sneezing? What? Serioursly, guys? We miss her.
She's fun.
We're like the Three Amigos.
She's Martin Short.
Guys, I think you may have empty-nest syndrome.
Does that syndrome give you headaches, or is that just 'cause you guys are here? No.
It just means that you're having some trouble adjusting to your family not living at home.
Ever since you and Hope left, we do have a lot of time on our hands.
What are we supposed to do? We can only have so much sex.
We certainly don't want to work any more hours.
Um then find ways to spend your time.
Hey, you could try volunteer work.
Please, we're not rich.
We don't have the luxury of working for free, Sabrina.
Th a den get and leave Hope out of it.
All right.
I just don't see why it has to be a dog, Virginia.
Dogs are the natural enemies of gardeners.
Burt, we need this.
Sabrina was right we have empty-nest syndrome.
So we either put a dog in our house, or you uncork your vasectomy and put a baby in here.
And I'm warning you, Burt, this ass is not gonna bounce back after baby number two at my age.
Welcome to the Natesville Animal Shelter.
How can I help you? We'd like to rescue a dog.
Aw well, you don't rescue them as much as they rescue you.
Now who's gonna be the dog's master? We both will.
No! Not on my watch.
A dog can only have one alpha.
Well, uh I guess that's me.
Yeah.
Uh I'll be right back.
I saw an old friend on the way in.
Hello, Bartlett.
Guess you won't be digging up my freshly planted succulents from in there, will you? I wouldn't want to be a pretty dog like you in a place like this.
I can't tell you how excited I am to finally have a dog.
I've wanted one forever.
Well, they're a lot of responsibility.
I started raising a baby in 11th grade, so, if that doesn't say responsible, I don't know what does.
So, are there any other pets in the house? Well, there's something living in our chimney, but we haven't had a mouse in two years, so we don't ask questions.
Says here, you're not allowed to adopt.
Your last name and address triggered an alert.
You're on a no-dog list.
What?! I told you, we're incredibly responsible.
Our granddaughter's gonna be very upset if we come back to the car without a dog.
Yeah.
Okay, Hope, what animal is this? Butter Cat.
Jimmy she knew this a year ago.
Jimmy, we have a problem.
Apparently, our last name and address got on a no-dog list.
Do you know anything about that? I may have had something to do with that.
Would you care to explain that in a way that we could visualize it as if we were there? Seven years ago I wasn't the confident, sexy ladies' man I am today.
I figured a four-legged wingman would help and I thought if one dog got me attention, then two dogs might get me a little more.
And I was right.
Then I figured, if two dogs got me tonsil hockey, maybe five dogs would get me to fifth base.
And my plan worked perfectly.
Until the dogs decided that they had better things to do than wait around while I got some.
I can't believe you used to use stray dogs to hook up with girls.
Uh excuse me.
High school dropout working with his dad, living with his parents.
My toolbox wasn't exactly overflowing.
Well, thanks to you, now we can't adopt a dog.
Which I didn't want in the first place, but your mom did and now we're very disappointed.
This is horrible.
I can't believe you did this to us.
Every week I find out about some terrible thing that you did to me as a kid! Oh, when are you gonna stop living in the past? You gave me up for adoption.
You, you faked my childhood vacations.
You ruined my credit! Okay, okay, fine.
Now we can't adopt a dog, so I guess that makes us even.
Ah, Regina! Nice haircut.
Hi.
Thanks.
I'll have the usual.
Okay.
A hot dog and I bet somebody wants a grape soda.
Wow Soda's on me.
Thanks.
Have a grape day.
Okay.
Bye-bye, cutie.
There you go.
Sabrina, you can't leave me alone for a second.
God, did you eat found gum again? No, but good guess.
I just got hit on big-time by the wiener chick.
My charm and good looks just got us a free soda.
I'm pretty sure that soda was for Hope.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was for me.
Oh, my God.
I just realized, Hope is your new dog.
Hello? Excuse me, we figured out why our house was on the no-dog list.
It's out idiot son.
But he doesn't live with us anymore.
And if you're worried about the "idiot" part, don't.
We barely raised him.
Rules are rules.
Would a person who would harm an animal make you these? These cookies are shaped like things humans like.
Boobs, cars, televisions.
And these are shaped like things dogs like.
Bones, hydrants, mailman's ass.
I realize they all kind of look like lumps, but, we're not cookie-cutter rich.
Wow, that took a lot of effort.
Maybe I misread you.
Unlike dogs, I can't lick your hand and know what's in your heart.
So you'll let us adopt a dog.
Not yet.
In order to get you off the no-dog list, I have to put you through a three-day trial period, but then you'll be dog owners.
We're so gonna kill it.
Not the dog, we're gonna love it to death.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
So here's what I think, if it's a girl, we should name it Puppy Dogstocking.
A boy, Spot.
Remember how long it took us to name Jimmy? If we'd gone with our first instincts there, his name would be Parachute Pants Chance.
There are things in this house we've been trying to kill for 20 years.
I'm sure we can keep a dog alive for three days.
Ooh, he's here.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, Michael.
We're so excited to meet our new little friend.
I'm gonna take this little guy out of his crate.
He's a little skittish.
Come on.
Hi.
Say hello.
Huh.
This is a trial dog.
It'd be crazy to give you guys a real dog until you prove yourselves.
Oh, uh, that makes sense.
Yeah.
So you're gonna live with us for three days? No, he is.
Just pretend I'm not here.
Ruff.
Ruff.
Ruff-ruff.
Ruff-ruff.
Now, you're probably gonna want to tell him to be quiet.
Ruff.
Okay, quiet down, boy.
Good.
Good.
Caring but firm.
Now, what are we gonna name this little angel? Puppet? Come on, Burt.
That's too on the nose.
Nose.
Um.
No, Burt.
How 'bout, um, Puppy Dogstocking? No he's never going to be able to respond to commands with a name that long.
Ah, man we're doing bad already.
Couch? Lamp? Snowboard? Burt, stop just naming things around the house.
Angry Wife? No, come on, you guys.
Don't fight.
He's going to pick up on your negative energy.
Why don't we name this little guy Jake? Jake! That's perfect, he looks like a Jake.
Yeah, he looks like a cute little Jake.
This is gonna be fun.
Wait, are those doggy treats? Num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num.
Oh.
Now, you don't want to let him eat the whole bag, otherwise he's gonna have diarrhea in the house.
We got a lot of work to do.
Ruff.
Yeah.
Ruff.
Ooh! I don't know if I want to do this whole crazy puppet dog trial.
That guy seems nuts.
It's only for three days.
It's not gonna be that bad.
And besides, Burt, if we don't fill the void in our lives with a dog, we are gonna keep taking Hope out of school.
And then she's just gonna grow up to be an idiot.
She'll be Jimmy with boobs.
I just pictured Jimmy with boobs.
Hey, guys.
You put Jake outside a while ago.
If you keep him out too long, he's gonna get depressed.
Fine, I'll do it.
Ah, Now that he's back with his owners, he's very excited.
Okay.
Now, tell him down.
Tell him down, because otherwise he's gonna do this to his guests.
And remember, jumping leads to humping.
Down, Jake! Down, boy! Ooh he just marked you as his owner.
That's a good thing.
It means you're important to him.
Is that real pee? If it was, would I do this? Maybe Jimmy I thought we were gonna have adult time.
I can't believe we got a babysitter to just, like, come to the park.
I think you're gonna be pretty impressed with what you see.
Me in action without a prop.
All right.
I'll just try not to be too jealous.
Regina? Hey.
Grape to see you.
I'll have the "usual.
" One hot dog, coming up.
There you are.
Thank you.
Yeah.
For you.
Sure is hot out today.
Could use something to wash this dog down.
Oh, of course.
Thanks so much.
Uh, that'll be a dollar.
Woof.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
I think the dog wants some of what you're eating.
Oh.
Sorry.
Yeah.
Here you go.
Congratulations, you just killed Jake.
Don't you know how dangerous grapes are for dogs? What? How can grapes be bad for dogs? They're they're colorful like onions and sweet like chocolate.
All things that can kill a dog.
Oh, my God, Burt.
If that had been a real dog, we'd have killed it.
I don't want to kill a dog.
Maybe this training isn't so stupid.
Please gi-give us another chance.
No, I'm not sticking my hand in a dead puppet.
What are you, crazy? Jake's gone, all right? We just have to deal with it.
Way to go, Burt.
You feel good about yourself? Please, this is my fault.
I didn't take the training seriously enough, but Virginia's right, we need a dog.
There's got to be something else we can do.
All right, there's one more thing I could do.
I'm going full retriever.
Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.
Go get it.
Go get it.
Oh, good catch, boy.
Okay, drop it.
Drop it.
- Drop it.
- Say it with authority.
You got to show me who's boss.
Michael, drop it.
Aah! Look at that.
I asserted control.
Yeah.
And it was sexy.
I like Alpha Burt.
- Me, too.
- Me, too.
Oh! That was amazing.
You're a natural born dog trainer.
I know.
And if Air Bud taught us anything, he can learn soccer, volleyball, and how to foil a jewel heist.
This is way more fun than playing with Hope.
Oh! Oh.
Okay, y-you can't let me pull that hard, okay? I could injure my throat.
Now, shorten the leash and tell me to heel.
Uh Heel, boy, heel.
Good job.
.
All right, now, here's another thing I got to show you.
Oh, yeah.
I know it's a little weird, but it's nothing to be embarrassed of.
It's all part of going on a walk.
Ooh.
Oh, I hope you guys brought a plastic bag.
Oh.
Oh.
Yeah.
Grab a couple.
Hello.
Mrs.
Chance? This is Doris from the Natesville Animal Shelter.
Your application has been approved.
Really? But we're only halfway through our trial period.
Trial period? Yeah, Michael says we're doing great.
Michael? Like, tall, red hair? Crazy eyes? He only has crazy eyes when you challenge his dominance.
He's an oddball who sometimes volunteers here, but I certainly wouldn't recommend letting him into your home.
Good to know.
Who wants to go to the dog park? I do.
Yeah.
Are you sure we're doing the right thing here? Absolutely.
He's got to be crazy.
He spends all day working someplace for free.
Who does that? A volunteer? No, a crazy person.
All right.
You ready, boy? Ready, boy? Go fetch.
Burt, Burt.
Burt, Burt.
Burt.
Virginia! Finally, a real dog that can sniff our butts and it won't be totally creepy.
Welcome to your new home, Puppy Dogstocking.
Now go have fun.
Maybe he doesn't like that name as much as we do.
It wasn't the fresh air, Virginia.
He's still not doing much.
Well, somebody chewed the heel off my church shoe.
Without the heel I'll be three inches further away from God.
Having a real dog's a lot different than I thought it would be.
Yeah.
We should have just gotten a snake.
They don't do much either, but at least you know you'll eventually get a belt.
Yeah.
Virginia, we adopted the Tasmanian Devil.
Or another dog came in and tore up the place while our guy just laid there and watched.
Either way, Puppy Dogstocking's not very good at doing dog stuff.
I know.
Now, being without you Takes a lot of getting used to Should learn to live with it But I don't want to Being without you Is all a big mistake Instead of getting easier It's the hardest thing to take I'm addicted to you, babe You're a hard habit To break Oh, my God, Burt.
We're not dog people.
We're Michael people.
Being without you Takes a lot of getting used to.
Hey, look at me, I'm Jimmy.
I need a baby to pick up girls.
Thanks for telling him, Sabrina.
Oh Very funny, Frank.
Wait a second-- where did you get the? What the hell is wrong with you? Give me back my baby.
Hi.
Ow.
Wow.
That's more attention I've got from a woman in a long time.
What have I always told you? Every customer here at Howdy's has the reasonable expectation that their baby won't be stolen by an employee.
How did this happen? We're just giving Jimmy a hard time.
Well, yeah, 'cause he's been using Hope to flirt with women.
I seem to remember you doing the same thing.
What? I've never used a baby to flirt with women.
Well, you used Hope to flirt with Jimmy.
We were all shocked because you hated kids.
Somebody's filthy little child with chocolate on its face is here at the register.
If someone would please come and get it.
Honestly, anybody who's willing to claim it.
I'm really not gonna ask questions.
I just really want it gone.
Oh, hey.
Will you do me a favor? Will you watch this thing for a second? That cute guy is back.
Which one? Sandy blond? No, no, floppy hair, big nose.
Hi.
Oh, my God.
She is so adorable.
I love kids.
Do you want to hold her? No, thank you.
Oh, I mean, I could just touch her for a second.
Well I swear I love Hope now.
I just I wasn't really much of a kid person before I met her.
Yeah, you didn't even use your own prop.
You had to use mine.
I'm sorry.
You used my own daughter to try and get close to me? That's awesome.
You liked me for me.
I thought you were just into me because of Hope, but it was the other way around.
Yeah.
Mm.
Hey.
So, does your mom come here often? Michael! Michael! Hey.
Hey, there he is.
Oh, oh.
Michael.
Here, boy.
Come here, boy.
Good boy.
Good boy, come on, boy, good boy.
Aah, aah! Oh! Oh.
Oh.
Michael.
Are you okay? I'm fine, I got a slight hip fracture.
I'm gonna make a full recovery.
I'm so sorry we left you in the park.
No, you guys are great.
Most people issue restraining orders.
I knew you were different when you didn't forget the plastic bags.
Well, maybe when you get better, we can work with you a little more on street safety.
Maybe you could still, uh, come over and we could play some Frisbee.
I would love that.
While, ultimately, a disturbed, lonely man in a dog suit didn't fill the void in my parents' lives Virginia, look.
like Lassie, he led them to something that would.
Puzzles.
Oh, are you two new volunteers? Oh, no, we're not crazy.
We're happy to hang out for a bit, read to the kids, maybe play some games.
Yeah, we could even come back and make it a regular thing.
But we're not volunteers.
Only idiots work without getting paid.
Hmm.
And even though my parents found a way to cure their empty-nest syndrome, they still had the occasional flare-up on the weekends.
Well, I've got bad news and worse news.
Jerry Garcia died ten years ago.
And LSD does nothing for me.
Oy vay.