The Cleveland Show s04e20 Episode Script

* My name is Cleveland Brown * * And I am proud to be * * Right back in my hometown * * With my new family * * There's old friends and new friends * * And even a bear * * Through good times and bad times * * It's true love we share * * And so I found a place * * Where everyone will know * * My happy mustached face * * This is The Cleveland Show.
* What's good with ya, T.
Rex? Say hey, Two Dads Dave.
See you at recess, Dump Truck Face.
So, Rallo, today's the day you finally drop a nickname on the new kid, Dudley, right? Yeah, you going physical attribute or straight-up racial? I haven't decided.
Might go both, like I did with Rice Pee-Pee.
Everybody, quiet! Rallo's gonna baptize Dudley! 'Sup, Boog-kake? Class, it's very important that you show these letters to your parents when you get home.
This is for parents' eyes only.
Guardians don't count.
But my grandmother Is not your dead mother.
There's a lice outbreak at Rallo's school.
Jump up from the couch! Relax, Cleveland.
Black people hardly ever get lice.
He's got 'em.
What's lice? Don't worry.
It's just like you've got head roaches.
Well, I'll be at Mother's.
I can't risk losing this fella.
We've been through too many milkshakes together.
Late! Am I gonna die, Mama? Not from lice.
I love hugging you, Mommy.
You're safe now.
I'm not surprised Rallo got those lices.
Donna does not keep a very clean home.
It's true.
I have to shower with flip-flops.
Grody.
Cleveland, it's time for me to pooch punt you off my porch.
I'm locking up the house.
Your mother and I are off to Legoland.
There's an Empire State Building as tall as your father! We'll see about that.
Wait a minute, Dad! I can house-sit for you! Uh, no.
Lavar, I didn't carry that boy for six months to not see him grow up.
All right, Cleveland, fine.
You can house-sit.
But same rules as when you were a kid: no friends in the house, and most importantly, don't even think of touching my RCee Colas.
Mmm.
Good old-fashioned poor people's soda.
I won't let you down, Dad! Shh.
You already have.
You messed with the wrong scalp, lice! Now you better make peace with your insect God, 'cause you 'bout to die! And that's one! Rallo, wake up.
I have to tell you something.
It's not easy for me to say, and it's not gonna be easy for you to hear Roberta's really my mom? Don't ever say that again.
Baby, we're gonna have to shave your head.
Roberta, we got a runner! Wait a minute.
Dad said I shouldn't eat in the study.
Hmm.
But I've been doing such a good job, I deserve a snack as a award.
Reward? Award.
Wassup, dude? Lester? What are you doing here? Just begging door-to-door.
What are you doing here? This is my parents' house.
I'm house-sitting.
Well, can I come in? No.
My parents said no friends.
Okay, then can I have a dollar? Just come in.
I'll get you a glass of tap water, and then you're on your way.
God bless you.
What are you guys doing here? Lester just texted us you were giving out free waters.
Lester, I told you my dad said no friends in the house.
I'd let it slide, but the neighbors are such snitches.
Oh, hey, Mrs.
Hickerson! Those better not be friends, Cleveland! Of course not! They're lowly gardeners.
Come around back, you dirtbags.
J.
K.
Damn wig is itchier than the lice.
I don't know how Nathan Fillion probably does it.
You wearing a wig? What? Your hair smells like street ball and weed.
It's Herbal Essence.
Covered with a joke.
So, how 'bout girls? Rallo has a peanut head! Your nickname is Mr.
Peanut! Mr.
Peanut! I can't ever go back to school, Mama.
Those kids are emotional terrorists.
They called me Mr.
Peanut! All the Tubbs got the peanut head.
Calm down, honey.
Like I was just yelling Gwyneth Paltrow on TV, you're not the center of the universe.
Now go on; I got my own problems.
Nice hat, Rallo.
Mighty kind of you, ma'am.
Yeah, that is a nice hat.
So nice that I want it! Peanuts! Mr.
Peanut's here! Aw, I'm just messing around.
I'll give you a hat.
Thanks, man.
Sharp.
And try this.
It'll look cool.
Oh, well, okay.
Nothing wrong with classing things up.
Here, catch! Huh.
This will help with walking or the occasional tap dance.
Hey, everybody, it's Mr.
Peanut! Can we go in the tree house? Nah.
It's just for Dad and his buddies.
I heard there's a treasure map in there.
I've got something even better.
What's that? Nothing.
Just a cigarillo I stole from my father 25 years ago.
Dads suck.
"Pass the Dutchie.
" '80s.
"Didn't inhale.
" '90s.
Nobody cares what I say.
Least of all, my dad.
My dad made me get out of the river to poop.
I was gonna be the only hetra-male at the American Bal-let School for Dancing Pansies, but Pappy said no.
And I was good.
Billy Elliot good.
We should come up with a name for ourselves.
How about Lester's Crew? Love it! Sold! Moving on! I have become a shell of my former self.
A peanut shell.
That'd be good if it was for someone else.
* Up in the air, Junior Birdman * * Haven't a care, Junior Birdman * * A tree is his lair, Junior Birdman * Oh.
Hey-ya, Rallo.
What song are you singing? Just one I made up.
It's called "The Ballad of the Terrible Triumph of Thomas J.
Cutekitten.
" Parentheses, "Junior Birdman.
" How do you do it, Junior? Well, the hardest part is getting these sausage fingers of mine to bend into birdman goggles.
No, man.
I'm talking about doesn't it bother you that you get teased all the time? I just don't pay much attention, because I can always get lost in my imagination.
Come, let me show you my world.
First, you need to get a best buddy, like Larry the Leopard here.
Uh, I don't really play with dolls, man.
To the naked eye, they may seem like dolls, but they're an eclectic crew of personalities.
Like you'd find on an NBC sitcom no one would watch.
This is Roy.
He's a zebra.
He's five years old like you and he has anxiety-induced eczema.
He turns black and white and red all over.
Black and white and red all That's Larry's.
I can't take credit for that.
Yee-haw! Hey, Rallo, feel that wind on your face as we ride? No, Junior, I feel boring on my face.
Come on, Rallo.
Use your imagination.
Look! A battle cruiser is approaching! Oh, okay, what do I do? Hyah! Go, Roy! Nerd it up! I don't know, man.
I still don't see it.
Do not see.
Simply be.
The intergalactic battle enters its fourth millennium.
What the frak?! Whoa! They bangin' up here in space! We're screwed! We don't have any weapons! We are weapons.
Leeroy Jenkins! Yee-hoo! We did it! We won space! Yay! That was the most funnest thing ever! Thanks, Junior.
You really made my week.
I almost forgot I'm a bald weirdo.
Like Nathan Fillion, probably.
Man, if my right arm wasn't so short, I could've played for the Yankees.
Nobody in this town gets us.
I wish I had a boat.
I am not a ninny.
You're a ninny, Father.
Hi-yah! And Lester, what the hell?! That's my dad's RCee Cola! His most favorite thing in the world! Relax, Cleveland, don't spaz out.
We'll just get some more at the store.
Good thinking.
That's why were Lester's Gang.
Uh, I thought we were Lester's Crew.
Why would you say that? You knew what I meant.
We were best friends, but now I hate you forever.
Hi, June.
Looking right at your eyes.
Where do you keep the RCee Cola? RCee Cola? Oh, sweetie, we haven't carried RCee Cola since forever.
No place in Stoolbend has.
In fact, I don't think you can get it anywhere in Virginia.
None in Virginia?! But if I don replace those RCees, my father will kill me I looked at your breasts, I'm sorry.
If you really need them, there's a place in Kentucky that might have Where?! Tell me! For God's sakes, tell me! You don't have to shake me; I'll tell you.
That's not why I'm shaking you thank you, sorry! The store's in Horsepile, Kentucky, about ten hours from here.
Look out, Horsepile, because here comes Lester's Boys! Crew.
I hate you.
I love you.
Ah, come on.
That was so cool when we outran Emperor Blog and he was like, "Puny humans, come back with my Blakelivelium!" Yeah, and when you destroyed his Bio-Organic Interceptor, he was like, "I will feast on your still-beating heart.
" Man, I got to work on my voices.
You know, Junior, I'm actually gonna miss this when my hair grows back.
Me, too.
Stay bald, my brother.
Stay bald.
Congratulations! That's five in a row you've won! Want to play again? Eh, nah, I'm kind of bored with this game.
What's the matter, don't you like playing Elves, Goblins and Orcs Who Choke You? This is what's the matter.
You think my hair will ever grow back? It will grow back.
In your imagination.
Come on! Nah, you imagine without me.
I'm not feeling it.
Oh, I almost forgot.
When you win five games, I take you out for ice cream.
Really? Well, I guess even a bald man can enjoy ice cream.
Let me call Nathan Fillion and ask him.
* It was always burning since the world's been turning * * We didn't start the fire * * It was always burning * * Since the world's been turning * * Rock and roller cola wars * * I can't take it anymore * Enough! It's just noise! And, Holt, stop kicking my chair.
Driving's a big responsibility.
Why is everyone so amped up? Maybe because we've been drinking this.
What?! You guys, those are my dad'ses! If he finds out about this, he's gonna be so mad, he's gonna hit me with the black side of his hand! Everyone just be quiet until we get there.
* Steven Spielberg, Papa John * * Ochocinco, Chad Johnson * * Cincinnati, Baltimore, Casey Anthony, Lululemon * * We didn't start the fire.
* So, guess what? Dan Peck, The Wizard Chef, is opening his new restaurant this weekend.
I got us the last reservation they had.
Okay.
They cook everything in some copper pot or something? A cauldron, yes! And it's all stringy rabbit meat.
Hey, Rallo, what's up? For my birthday party this weekend, we're going go-karting.
Really? Ah, I've always wanted to go go-karting.
Not me.
Way too fat.
You should come, Rallo.
Except you can't ride in the car with us because my mom's allergic to peanuts.
Damn, damn, damn! I'm never gonna find the RCees, and Dad'll hate me forever.
I might as well kill myself and all my friends by driving into this roadside store! The store.
We're here! Totes perf! The RCees where are they? Well, we're not buying these.
The lids are filthy.
Cleveland! Okay, okay.
We can wash them later.
Doctor.
No.
I can't.
Cut his throat! No! He still has a chance in the real world.
So do you.
Really? What do you want me to say, man? Junior! It's a miracle! My hair's growing in! Oh, feel my fuzz.
I got stubble! I don't look like a peanut anymore.
Congratulations.
No more peanut.
Now maybe I can go-kart with the guys on Saturday.
But that's the day we were gonna go to the wizard restaurant, isn't it? That's okay.
There'll be other rabbit meat restaurants where you can eat with horses opening in Stoolbend.
You sure? Thanks, Junior.
Where the hell is my Schick Hydro at?! I'm getting cactus legs up in here! Hurry up, they'll be here any minute.
Last one.
Tubby, we're home.
Friends over? I knew I couldn't trust you.
Say, what you hiding behind your back? Nothing.
Cleveland, don't lie to your father.
An RCee Cola?! Your papa's pop?! I told you never to touch those! Now you gonna get it! Just wait one second.
Before you beat me and make me cry in front of my besties, I got something to tell you, and you're gonna listen, old man.
You're a bad father! What the hell you doing, boy? What I should've done a long time ago.
Cleveland, no! Ah! Wow, that's good! Oh! I think I love this soda more than my own son! This is what I think of your rules.
Thank you.
We've got each other's back door.
So, you're all willing to take the blame for this? Good, 'cause I got a little surprise for y'all.
General Richter! Papa Bear! Sir! My brother-pa! How did you know they were in on it? Mrs.
Hickerson ratted you out.
Mrs.
Hickerson.
Get laid, you hag.
Now, fellas, let's do this.
Here.
You finally stood up to me.
It's time for me to pass it on.
Now you take it and beat your own son.
Oh, my God.
I- I don't know what to say.
Come here, boy.
Wham! Wham! Wham! Nah, they'd lock me up.
Here, son.
This is for you.
Your Rolex with the jubilee bracelet that a faceless client gave you? I know, it's ostentatious.
And now it's yours.
Your bow tie? Does this mean you'll stop banging Arianna? No.
Your favorite lint.
To finish this bonding, what say we all go have an RCee up in the tree fort? Wait, Rallo! Don't forget your helmet.
What? Oh, right.
Safety first.
Thanks, Junior.
I almost forgot.
Would you mind looking after Roy for me? You got his eczema cream? Right here.
Thanks.
Okay, bye, Junior.
Good-bye, Rallo.
Your 'fro's looking good, Rallo.
Rockin' the Barack.
Thanks, Dudley.
You called me Dudley.
Yeah.
I'm using my imagination not to see boogers all over your face.
What's that, Roy? General Hakimi has kidnapped the princess of the People's Republic of Galaxy? Time to go kick some space ass.
Hi-yah! Go get 'em, you lunatic.