The Exes (2011) s04e20 Episode Script

Haskell, I just bought something that it's gonna change my life.
I tried one of those.
It's not gonna add the inches you're looking for.
No, I bought this gadget.
The Stepbuddy.
Yeah? To monitor my exercise.
It it pushes you to get off your ass and move.
I had something like that once.
I divorced it.
Hey, Stuart.
Got your text 911.
"I need my fanny pack.
" Excellent.
Now I'm ready to walk.
Don't worry, it's all in there Your ChapStick, pepper spray, and scrunchie.
- That's a headband.
- Okay.
Hey, guys.
By some miracle, I happen to be free tonight.
Anyone want to grab a drink? Can't.
I'm power walking.
I'll go with you, make it a girls' night.
We've never done that.
Why haven't we done that? 'Cause we're always saddled with these clowns.
That's not fair.
Which do you think is jauntier side or front? Looks like he's having his own girls' night.
[upbeat music.]
Champagne breakfast in a hotel suite with a movie star.
Yeah, I could get used to this.
- More bubbly? - You trying to get me drunk? 'Cause I'll let you in on a little secret [whispers.]
I'm a sure thing.
Ohh.
[text message alert.]
Hold that thought.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no, what? That was my publicist.
They scheduled another press thing for my movie.
Yeah, but I cleared the whole day to be with you.
I'm sorry, baby, but you should stay.
The movie's paying for all this.
Go to the spa, get a massage.
Make yourself pretty for me tonight.
Prettier than this? Yeah, I don't think that's possible.
My worst date ever? Mm, probably the guy that referred to his penis as Dong Johnson.
And I thought I had you beat with baby talk guy.
I didn't not wuv that.
I'm so glad we're doing girls' night.
- Me too, who needs guys? - Yeah.
- Hello.
- Hello? Where who, who? The guy at the bar.
Don't look.
I said don't look.
You tell me not to look, I have to look.
- But you shut up.
- Oh.
Hi.
I'm Dan.
Hi.
Can I buy you two ladies a drink? Oh, you don't have to do that.
Stoli straight up, lemon twist.
- Make it two I'm Holly.
- I'm Nicki.
You know, I have to say, you two have the most radiant skin.
Oh, stop.
[giggles.]
I'm religious about my sunblock.
Those words are like music to a dermatologist's ears.
I use SPF 50 50! - And it shows.
- [giggles.]
Let me go get those drinks.
I'll be right back.
What are we doing? Filling in my pores.
I could sublet these things.
No, I mean, here we are having a great time and now we're gonna throw it away just because some cute doctor comes along? You're right! And you know how it's gonna go.
I mean, we'll flirt with him, he'll ask me out, and you'll get all upset.
Or he'll ask me out, and you'll get upset.
See? It's already starting.
We're competing.
You know what? You're right.
This ends right now.
Let's make a pact.
- Okay.
- No guy is gonna come between us.
- You got it! - Okay.
Here you are, ladies.
Oh, um Yeah, no Bdbdbdbddd! Something wrong? Yeah, actually, we're having girls' night, so Sorry.
We just wanna hang out with each other.
No hard feelings? No, no, of course not.
Let me just return these drinks.
I'm kidding! [both laughing.]
Enjoy them.
It was a pleasure meeting you.
(both) You too.
I thought he handled that really well.
Very well! Well to getting drunk.
To getting laid.
Sorry.
Force of habit.
[clink.]
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ahem! Wow! Phil, you look great.
The name's Bond.
Black Bond.
[laughter.]
Zoey's taking me to a charity tonight, man.
I spent the whole day at her hotel spa getting scrubbed, buffed, waxed, and plucked.
Pretty hurts.
Well, I envy you.
I'd give anything to be a woman's boy toy.
Again.
You were a boy toy? Summer.
82.
Her name was Summer.
She was 82.
She died doing what she loved me.
[phone chimes.]
Oh.
Aw, damn! - What's the matter? - Zoey had to bail.
Some meeting with a big director.
I blew off a client for this thing, man.
That's not cool.
Well, disappointment is part of the game.
If Summer's pig valve hadn't failed, I would have been husband number seven.
[knock on door.]
So, Ms Franklin.
It seems you're concerned about a spot under your eye.
Indeed, I am.
Oh! It's you.
From the bar last night.
Holly, right? Hi, Dr.
Dan.
I bet you're wondering what I'm doing here.
Well, I woke up this morning with a disconcerting blemish and I thought, where could I find a brilliant and gifted doctor? How about the guy who hit on me at the bar last night? Is that how you find all your doctors? Well, I met my gyno at a Wetzel's Pretzels.
Well, let's take a look at that spot.
Okay, yes, let's.
It's right here under my bedroom eyes.
Mm.
[murmurs.]
Ah, yeah, well Well, ordinarily, with something like this, I'd have to biopsy it and send it off to the lab.
But since it's makeup let me try this.
Oh, it's makeup! What a relief! Oh You know, Holly, if I was a suspicious man, I'd say that you drew that on just so you'd have an excuse to come see me.
Well, that is just Yes.
Yeah, I did.
I wanted to talk to you last night, but I was babysitting my needy friend.
That's just how I am.
I bend over backwards for people I like.
Well, Holly, I'm very flattered, but I I make it a rule to never date my patients.
Oh.
But, since your mascara was benign, you're no longer a patient.
Which means I can take you to lunch.
Oh, that's great! I'll just get changed.
Unless we're getting lobster, in which case, I'll just wear this.
Hey, Phil.
You hear from Zoey? Ah, don't care.
Haven't checked.
Ooh.
Sounds like you're still pissed off about last night.
You're damn straight I'm pissed off about last night.
I got stood up in a bar wearing a tux.
Someone tried to give me $1.
00 tip in the men's room.
Man, that's not right! That's the unpredictable life of a boy toy.
But if you hang in, it's a sweet ride.
Look at Stedman.
That man is a god.
I'd give anything to walk in the shoes he didn't pay for.
Well, I'm not Stedman.
I'm my own man.
[knock at door.]
Oh, I got it.
Hi.
Oh.
(woman) Please sign here.
All right.
Thank you.
Well, it's from Zoey.
Unless I'm mistaken, that's the "Baby, I'm sorry," gift.
Yeah.
What do you know, Haskell? What's the card say? Baby, I'm sorry.
Well, open it.
What is it? - Open it, open it, open it! - Okay.
Look! She bought him off with a purse.
Oh, no.
No, that's not a purse.
This happens to be a European men's carryall in distressed leather with a cross-body strap! Stop helping, Stuart.
Besides, I'm not being bought off.
I'm simply being appreciated by a generous woman.
Now, if you two will excuse me I'ma go take this bad boy for a spin.
- Stedman walkin'.
- [chuckles.]
Hey, Eden! You know, I'm watching this Raymond rerun, and it is just ridiculous.
I mean, Patricia Heaton is obviously pregnant, and they think they can hide it with laundry baskets and giant pillows! Who do they think they're fooling? (Holly) Ha ha! Nobody! Ugh! Anyway, where were you? I thought we were working today.
I got delayed at the dermatologist.
No.
I'm not rubbing that ointment on you again.
It's not that.
Last night, Nicki and I had a girls' night out, and we met this really cute dermatologist.
But we made a pact not to go after him, and then I did.
Does that make me a bad person? - No.
- Really? Yes.
Holly at your age, your dating pool is more like a dried up lake Nothing but cracked clay and a couple of flapping fish gasping for their last breath.
Jump on that fish, Holly.
That is so sweet of you to say, but I still feel guilty.
I mean, just I did a terrible thing.
Let's face it Nicki's a better person than me.
Hello, Doctor.
Oh, excuse me.
Is this the green room for The View? - You found it.
- I'm Phil Chase, Zoey Banks' boyfriend.
She asked me to meet her here.
And who's your little friend? Oh, this is Cappuccino.
He's not my little friend.
He's Zoey's little friend.
Zoey's dog.
Ha ha ha.
'Cause if I had a dog, it'd be a big dog.
Yeah, my dog would eat this dog.
Okay.
- Enjoy the show.
- Thank you.
Hey, I'm Aaron, Jennifer's boyfriend.
Hey, Phil.
I'm with Zoey.
- Nice bag.
- Yeah, you too.
This isn't my dog, though.
This is Zoey's dog.
I had to pick him up from the groomer.
Assistant was sick.
Been there.
Yo, Dusty! I missed you at Tai Chi boot camp this morning.
Yeah, she needed me to pick up Versace's vegan dog food, so I had to skip.
This is Phil.
He's with Zoey.
This is Dusty.
He's with Arianna.
Hey, what's happening? So you two know each other? Uh, yeah, our ladies have done other movies together, and where they go, we go.
How good is that hotel they got us staying in? Can you believe that spa? Best salt scrub ev-er.
You look familiar.
Didn't I see you getting a mani-pedi? No, just a pedi, man.
Just a pedi.
Hey, it's all free.
Go for it.
- Am I right? - Booyah! Yep.
Hey, Aaron, Dusty! Look, Cinnamon, it's Versace! You guys had a play date on Maui, yes, you did! [baby voice.]
Yeah! Hey, who's this? This is Phil, Zoey's guy.
I'm Logan, Tina's guy.
Hey, did you guys hear? They added Miami to the press tour.
South Beach, baby! Yeah! Ah! Phil, you're gonna love it.
Oh, actually, uh, I won't be going, 'cause I have a job.
I'm a sports agent.
Yeah, I was in tech.
Logan was in finance.
Dusty was in advertising.
But being an A-lister's boyfriend is a full-time job, not to mention the best gig in the world.
Am I right? All you gotta do, gotta look good, stay in shape, and keep your lady happy.
Welcome to the club, Phil.
Oh, actually, I'm, uh, I'm not part of this club.
See, I'm my own man.
Hey, do me a favor? Hold Cappuccino, and please, no people food.
He gets gassy.
Hey, Nicki, what's up? Oh, nothing, nothing.
Okay, maybe something.
[ahem.]
The other night, Holly and I were out, and we met this really cute guy and we agreed we wouldn't go after him, but I did.
You too? Me too what? You two made a pact? I know! I feel so guilty for going out with him.
Holly is a much better person.
Let's call it a tie.
There she is, my favorite gal pal! - Nicki! Nickeroo! - Ha ha! Back at ya, buddy.
Come on, bring it in, my sister from another mister! Yay! Girlfriends! I had the best time on our girls' night out.
Oh, me, too.
We should do it again.
- How 'bout tonight? - Tonight it is! Girls' Night The sequel! "This time it's personal.
" [both laughing loudly.]
[cell phone rings.]
Oh, uh, excuse me just a sec.
[softly.]
Hi, Dan.
Yeah, I've been thinking about you too.
Dinner tonight? I'd love to.
No, I'll just meet you there.
All right, bye! Damn the luck! Nicki, I have to cancel tonight.
Oh, no! Why? Why.
Because, uh because my client, Mrs.
Conway, is being deposed tonight.
I completely forgot.
I thought that was tomorrow night.
No, Eden, it's tonight.
I'm so sorry, Nicky.
Oh, come on, don't beat yourself up.
You gotta do what you gotta do.
And I gotta do this.
[chortles.]
Okay.
I just confirmed Mrs.
Conway for tonight.
And it's a good thing I did, because she thought it was tomorrow night too.
What? You're welcome.
Excuse me just a sec, okay? [ahem.]
[softly.]
Hi, Dan, it's me again.
Yeah.
Listen, I have to cancel tonight.
I know.
I'm sorry too.
Bye.
I'm back! [phone rings.]
Oh! Um excuse me one sec.
Hi, Dan.
Oh, I've been thinking about you too.
Dinner tonight? Okay.
I'll meet you there.
Bye-bye.
(Holly) Everything okay? [groans.]
Ugh That was my dull cousin Louise from Tucson.
She's in town for the night.
Looks like we're both gonna have boring evenings, right? Anybody know where I can get a quick wax? No, forget it.
[knock at door.]
- Hey.
- Phil, I went to find you after the show, and they said you'd left? What happened? Well, I saw my future, and my balls weren't in it.
What? Well, I was hanging out with Arianna's guy and with Tina's guy and with Jennifer's guy, and then I realized, you know what? This just isn't for me.
I'm not some dude who lives off his lady.
You think that's what I want? Well, that's where this is headed.
Zoey, I'm at your beck and call.
You stood me up twice, and the closest I've been to you is babysitting your dog.
After Miami, the press tour goes to Europe.
Come with me.
Paris, Rome, Barcelona.
How great does that sound? - What about my work? - Just do that by phone.
And I'll fly you back and forth if you need to.
So all I've got to do to be a part of your life is give up mine? Come on, that's not what I mean.
And I'm not blaming you, but this can't work.
But I really wanted it to.
Yeah, me too.
You're a special guy.
Ha.
I'm going to miss you.
I'm gonna miss you too.
- Hey, Phil.
- Hey.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Zoey and I just broke up.
- That's tough.
- Yeah.
But you'll always have the memory.
I know whenever I see Cream of Rice and a straw I think of Summer.
Hello.
I am here to see Dr.
Dan.
I'm afraid he's seeing his last patient right now.
Oh, I'm not a patient.
I'm an after-hours friend.
Okay, that sounds like a hooker, but I am not.
I am just here for drinks and a good time.
Okay.
Why do I keep doing that? Um can you tell me where the little girl's room is? I have to tinkle.
I sound like a five-year-old now, right? - Down the hall.
- Thanks so much.
Hello.
I'm here to see Dr.
Dan.
I'm sorry, he's not seeing any more patients today.
Oh, no, I'm not a patient.
You see, we had a date, but I had to cancel it, and then I canceled the reason I had to cancel, so here I am, a delightful surprise.
I'm sure you will be.
Have a seat.
He's just finishing up his last appointment.
All right, thank you.
Well, good night.
(both) Good night.
- Holly? - Nicki! - What are you doing here? - What are you doing here? I thought you had a deposition! I had a skin tag! I thought you were with your boring cousin! - I have a rash.
- Liar! - Sneak.
- Backstabber! - Weasel! - To think I trusted you.
We had a pact! Which you broke! You sold me out for some guy? Yeah, so did you.
You're just as dirty as me.
You know, we have more in common than I thought.
You know what? You're right.
- Yeah.
- You feeling close to me? - 'Cause I'm feeling close to - Yeah, kind of.
- Right? Sisters! - The same! [both laughing.]
Okay, ready to go.
Whoa! Yeah.
Change of plans, Dr.
Dan.
No man's coming between us.
- Girls' night? - Hells, yeah! Yeah, baby.
- After you! - Ha ha.
[mouthing.]
Call me.
I saw oh! Oh, my God!