The Ranch (2016) s04e20 Episode Script

1 Hey.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY.]
You're getting a late start.
[COLT.]
Yeah.
Lisa Neumann's gonna put me out of business.
I can't prove that trich didn't start on my ranch.
I don't know what to do.
I figured you were struggling with it when I saw your Magic 8 Ball out.
Yeah.
Remind me to "ask again later.
" [SNIFFS.]
I got Dale checking around to see if any other ranch has got the trich.
You be careful.
You owe Dale a favor, one night you'll end up over at his house playing fucking Boggle.
Hey.
Oh! There he is! My partner, who was a no-show yesterday.
Yeah.
I screwed up, I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
- I I had found out that my buddy Koosh killed himself, so Jesus Christ.
Shit.
So sorry, man.
How are you doing? Well, not fucking great.
That's a sad fucking thing, soldiers come home and think that's their only option.
Look if you're still up for it, I'd like to check out one of those meetings.
Course I am.
Great.
Yeah, man, last night was miserable.
Koosh's wife asked me to call all the guys in the platoon, and tell them what happened.
I had to get drunk to do it.
Guess I misdialed, 'cause I ended up telling the Domino's guy Koosh killed himself.
He was real cool though, man.
He came over and he sat with me for a while.
Was it Scott G? Yes.
- He's a fucking great guy.
- Yeah.
When me and Abby split, he came over, and he brought me a free lava cake.
He also brought his guitar played "Dust in the Wind.
" Well, he must like you a lot more.
All he brought me was some crushed pepper packets.
And he played that fucking "Baby Shark" song on a harmonica.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Cowboys ain't easy to love And they're harder to hold And they'd rather give you a song Than diamonds or gold Lone Star belt buckles And old faded Levi's And each night begins a new day If you don't understand him And he don't die young He'll probably just ride away Mamas, don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Don't let 'em pick guitars And drive them old trucks Let 'em be doctors and lawyers And such Mamas, don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys All right, this is your room.
I mean, I know it's not, like, done, but it should service the "bow-chicka-bow-bow.
" It's nice.
Oh, and, uh, yeah, no, that switch does not do what you think it does.
The dishwasher only works if that's flipped on.
So don't fucking fiddle with it.
I did the paint, like, neutral.
It's called "Whispering Peach.
" What's the peach whispering? "Paint me a different color"? I do appreciate you making room for us, Colt.
Yeah, well, I know it's not ideal, but I want you guys to know this is your home, too.
All right, I'm gonna go hook up the washer and dryer.
Uh, oh, if you need the Wi-Fi password, it's "Ilovemydaddy", all one word.
Here we are.
Living in a house built by a man with eight concussions.
You know, once we move all our stuff in, it's gonna be great.
And I don't know if you noticed, but out that window, you have a clear shot to any solicitors coming up the drive.
You always say the right thing.
Truth is, I'll be happy living anywhere, as long as I'm with you.
Mmm.
[CHUCKLES.]
Beau Bennett, happy? You're such a shitty liar.
[LAUGHS.]
[ALARM BEEPING.]
[ALARM STOPS.]
That does not do what I thought it did.
[KNOCKS.]
- Hey, Joanne.
- Oh, hey, Maggie! Hey, Colt just told me you guys are moving in with him.
[SIGHS.]
It's gonna be hard, living in that guest room.
Mostly because when you open the door, there's Colt.
Yeah.
And when Beau saw the room, he got that look on his face, like he gets when SportsCenter shows soccer highlights.
Okay.
Look I wanna give you guys my Airstream.
I mean, you've been so great with the family, and I know with the diagnosis, things are a bit uncertain, so this could be fun for y'all.
Although I will have to clean a bunch of weed out of there before I do it.
No, that's okay, you can leave it there.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, Maggie, this is really generous of you.
- Thank you very much, but I - No, just think about it, all right? I mean, you could finally have a space of your own.
And plus, if your neighbors piss you off, you just drive your house away.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, well, with Beau, we'd be on the road forever.
[KNOCKING.]
Hey, Joanne.
Hey, Maggie.
Is this a good time? I came to bring you money.
Oh, it's a great time.
It's the bail money you guys loaned me.
I got probation.
Oh, my God! I made a good argument for self-defense, and the DA gave me a plea bargain.
So, I just have to wear an ankle bracelet, but, I mean, that's no big deal.
At this point, I feel naked without one.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[COWS MOOING.]
- What - [COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
What are you doing? Why is the couch like that? [STAMMERS.]
It is perfectly aligned for playing Call of Duty.
Which, by the way, is in your Amazon shopping cart.
Look, there's only eight more hours of free Christmas delivery.
Okay, is setting up Xbox really that important right now? We invited everyone over for Christmas dinner in three days, and I'd like them to ring the doorbell without the garage door opening.
I'm sorry that the house that I built for us Here we go.
with my own two hands is not perfect.
But I'm pretty sure that when you walk down those stairs, you will not fall through.
Yeah.
Now.
Colt, c'mon.
Look around! There's shit everywhere! And your dad and Joanne's room isn't even finished yet.
And by the way, we're gonna be possibly sued by Neumann's Hill and lose everything! Okay, why don't we just move in in a couple weeks, have Christmas dinner at your dad's? We promised each other we would be in here by Christmas.
So I'll be damned if on Christmas morning, we ain't wearing our matching Olaf pajamas.
And come down them stairs, without falling through, don't put any weight on the banister, and have a merry fucking Christmas! I think I'm pregnant.
What? I'm late, okay? And I feel exactly the same way I did when I was pregnant with Peyton.
I'm hot, and then I'm cold, and it's not just because when I charge my cell phone the thermostat changes! Wow.
I know, I know.
This isn't great timing, with everything that's going on No, the timing is not perfect but having a child is a blessing, no matter what.
Let's not overreact, okay? Let's Let me start by taking the test, see if there's anything to worry about, okay? Okay, Ab, if we really wanna fail a test, I think I should take it.
Anyway, I'm just glad to be home.
Okay, does anyone else have something to say? You wanna say something? No, I'm good.
My name's Beau.
Vietnam was my war.
It's nice seeing soldiers looking out for each other at home, just like when we were all over there.
Even you navy fellas.
Lord knows, the government isn't looking out for us.
Anyway that's it.
Thank you, Beau.
Nice note to end on.
If anyone wants to stay, they're having bingo at eight, and for those of you who are still having issues with loud noises, the game does get pretty out of control.
Ah, actually, can I say something? Sure, go ahead.
Uh [CLEARS THROAT.]
I'm Luke.
I was in the army for 12 years, most of that time in Iraq, and I used to man this checkpoint with my buddy Koosh.
And the locals used to get a kick out of me having blond hair and blue eyes.
They were fascinated with it.
So Koosh told these guys that I was Leonardo DiCaprio from the Titanic.
Uncle Beau probably remembers the day that sank.
I remember the day you walked home from this fucking meeting.
[LAUGHS.]
Uh So, yeah, this one time, I was I was signing an autograph to this fruit vendor, and I wrote, "Asif, I will never let go of your decadent apricots.
Your pal, Leo.
" And, you know, over time, this Asif guy and I became friendly.
He was a a really good dude.
He used to sneak fruit to the kids that couldn't afford it.
It was really nice to see a little slice of humanity in the middle of that shithole.
And then one day, my unit was asked to lead an assault on some insurgents, and we kick down this door, and Asif is standing there on the other side, pointing a gun at me, and I froze.
And he didn't, he shot, and missed me and so Koosh took him out.
'Cause, you know, fucking him or us.
And, uh there's just not really a day that goes by that I don't see his face.
I assume it's the same for Koosh.
Or it was, he he killed himself a couple days ago, I imagine 'cause of moments like that, and it fucking scares me, because I have a hundred moments like that.
And You know, I imagine you guys do too.
That's all I got, thank you.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Thanks, Luke.
I'm glad you came.
Yeah, thank you.
See you guys next week.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Oh, my God, I'm so No, I I'm nervous, okay, I hate this.
This is worse than waiting for my SAT scores.
Yeah, or, like, something important, like prom king voting.
- Okay.
Hey.
- Yes? Come on.
Now, no matter what happens, - we got this, right? - Okay.
I mean, we got There's a room for my dad and Joanne, and then Peyton's got her room, the baby can stay in our room, which is much safer, because none of the outlets in there work.
I mean, we don't even have to get all new stuff, you know, 'cause if it's a girl, she can just wear all Peyton's clothes.
If it's a boy, he can wear Peyton's clothes, and we just teach him how to, you know, kick people's ass.
Hey.
[COUNTRY MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING SOFTLY.]
We're in this together.
That's the only thing that matters.
Right? Thanks, Bennett.
[TIMER ALERT RINGS.]
Oh, my God, let's do this.
Okay, all right.
Whoo! Okay.
Hya! - Not pregnant! - Oh! - Dodged a bullet! - Wow! Yeah, we did! Okay, this is gonna sound weird - I'm a little bummed.
- Oh, my God! So am I! And I know this is not the right time.
This is a horrible time! - I mean, we can't even afford another kid.
- We're beyond broke! But I kinda want another kid! Yeah.
So did I.
That's why we're rednecks.
You know - we could - What? - work on having another baby right now.
- [LAUGHS.]
Oh.
I mean, it is fun.
It's so fun.
- It is so - Oh, no! No, Miss Phillips, don't put me in detention! Hey! Sorry I'm late.
[CHUCKLING.]
I saw old Hal the postman as I was coming out.
[CHUCKLES.]
Boy, that guy can talk.
Did you know that the first postman that wore shorts got fired? And then in 19 and 58 Dale! Did you hear anything about any other ranchers having the trich? Oh, come on, now we'll never find out what happened between 19 and 58 and now.
I found out the Mooney and Etheridge ranches had the trich, but none of the Neumann's Hills had it before you did.
Fucking Mooney and Etheridge, you know? They're always in here with their pal Gunderson, trying to scam me.
I mean, they come in with coupons from other bars.
This isn't Walmart.
I don't fucking price match, okay? Wait a second.
Gunderson He became a Neumann's Hill ranch, like, two years ago, didn't he? Yeah.
Now his two best friends both have a trich outbreak? That's a pretty big coincidence, I'd say.
I've seen bigger.
Like, on the whole planet Dagobah, Luke Skywalker just happens to land 50 feet from Yoda's house? I don't know, man, crazy stuff happens all the time.
My college buddy and I got chlamydia at the exact same time, and he wasn't even seeing anybody.
Oh, my God.
He was fucking my girlfriend.
Holy shit.
Check this out.
There's Lisa Neumann's prize bull on the Mooney ranch, one week before it ever showed up at Iron River.
Fuck, he posted it on Facebook.
So, what, you think Gunderson was loaning his bull out to his buddies? Oh, that's kinda like when we figured out Dale's HBO GO password and gave it to everyone, so we could all watch Game of Thrones.
Whoa, now.
Hold it.
If I can prove that there was a trich outbreak on the Mooney ranch before there was on mine, Lisa Neumann will have to drop the lawsuit.
It's not gonna prove anything, she'll just say it's Photoshopped.
There's gotta be some way to prove it.
HBO GO threatened to cancel my account.
You can HBO GO fuck yourself.
[BEAU.]
Hey.
- Hey.
- [COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY.]
You decorating out here too? Well, yeah.
People that sneak out here to get high deserve to have Christmas too.
And by people, I mean myself.
Joanne tells me you wanna give us your Airstream.
That's a very nice offer, Mags, but we can't take it.
You should sell that thing, and use the money down in Florida.
Buy something nice for yourself, or for your friend or your partner.
Or you know, your Julie.
You know, just seeing you try to say that was gift enough.
I'd love to meet her sometime.
Maybe I'll bring her next time I come back.
I think you guys would get along.
You both like whiskey, both wear UGGs, both like Fords Oh, shit! I'm living with Beau Bennett again.
[BEAU CHUCKLES.]
Well, I hope she makes you happier than I did.
I wouldn't change any time that we had together, Beau, or the time we had apart.
And here we are, we're both happy.
We got to watch those beautiful boys grow up.
Yeah.
I guess I wouldn't change anything either.
Well, maybe one thing.
When you asked me did I wanna have a second kid, or get a dog, I should've driven us to the pound.
[HOLIDAY MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY.]
- Hey, everybody.
- [BOTTLES CLACK.]
Welcome to Maggie's for the last Christmas party ever, and in place of the usual "you break it, you buy it" policy, tonight, it's "take whatever the fuck you want, - I'm leaving here tomorrow.
" - [CHEERING, CHATTERING.]
[COLT.]
Yeah! Although, if I witness a crime, by law, I'm gonna have to report it, unless, of course, you're a client.
[CHUCKLES.]
Business cards at the end of the bar.
- [COLT.]
We're off the hook.
- [ABBY.]
Yeah.
- [COLT.]
Whoa, Beer Pong! - [ABBY.]
Oh! Wilkerson Wow.
Good seeing you guys on the one day a year you didn't have to wear a costume.
We're undercover.
There's been a lot of shoplifting at the mall and I'm the only guy on the force that can fit into this costume.
In this suit, I don't have to pay for anything at the food court.
I got, like, ten slices of Sbarro in my sack.
[ABBY LAUGHS.]
[COLT.]
Heather.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Well I heard the news about your mom.
That's awesome.
Thanks for everything, really.
When I called you from the trailer, pretty much thought my life was over, so I don't know what I would have done without you.
Yeah, well, I'd do it again in a second.
I'm just glad everything worked out.
[SIGHS.]
I always hated that Nick guy, anyway, ever since I saw him drinking a Corona Light.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Beau Bennett! Come do a Jell-O shot with me, you son of a bitch.
- [LAUGHS.]
- The only red jiggly thing I'm shooting is you, you son of a bitch.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Well I know this sounds crazy, since we're married, but I don't think we've ever had an actual first date.
What, you don't call hooking up in the ball pit at the McDonald's play place a first date? Different guy.
We should go on a first date.
Yeah.
Where you wanna go? I feel like I'd really be missing out if I didn't pick McDonald's.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [CHRISTMAS MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING.]
Holy shit! It's Kenny and Tanya Showers.
Hey, that's my ex-fiancé, and the hottest weather girl any of us have ever seen.
Hi! Hey, hi! - Hey.
- Hey.
We wanted to say goodbye, we're moving to Hawaii.
Yeah, I'm running the Maui Marriott, and she's gonna be the local weather girl at KPNA, "the pineapple.
" I've been practicing.
Did you know that in "tsunami," the "t" is silent? All right, well, we gotta finish making the rounds.
She's getting a lot of goodbye hugs.
- Well, I need a hug.
- I need a hug! [LAUGHS.]
[ABBY.]
Oh! Babe? I'm gonna miss you, Maggie.
You're my best friend.
Huh.
What's my last name, Hank? Saloon? Bring it in.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[GROANS.]
My mom is driving me crazy! "A bar, really? It's Christmas Eve, you should be at home, drinking with family.
" How does she even know that I'm here? She tracks you on your cell phone.
Same way I knew the other day, you stopped at Sonic and didn't get me shit.
Oh, my God.
Hmm? That's it! - I gotta go.
- Wait, what, is everything okay? Yeah, everything's fine.
I just gotta take care of something.
Wait, before you go.
Hang on.
I got you something.
Oh, my God.
- [LAUGHING.]
- It's really happening.
This Is it It's the new Call of Duty! Oh! Wait it's for PlayStation.
Yeah, so? I have an Xbox.
What's the difference? Just fucking plug it in! Plug it in.
- Just plug it in? - [WHISPERS.]
Plug it in.
Oh, my God.
- I can't do this right now.
- What? I love you, but I can't do this right now.
Colt! - Merry Christmas, Colt! - [MOCKING.]
"Merry Christmas, Colt!" Hey, Lisa.
Colt, what are you doing here? I need to show you something.
Then why are you showing me a picture of Colin Farrell's hair? Shit, sorry.
Although how cool would I look with that? Colt I got it.
You know Mooney's ranch got the trich, right? - Mmm.
- [COLT.]
Mmm? This is a picture of your prize bull on Mooney's ranch one week before it ever showed up at Iron River.
So there's no way that I'm responsible for your trich outbreak.
Boom! Mic drop.
I thought there'd be a rug there.
It's fine.
Oh, no, it's cracked.
God! And, of course, I didn't get the AppleCare.
Anyway, I didn't cause your trich outbreak.
Colt, you're gonna need more evidence than a Facebook photo.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I thought you might say that which is why I have more evidence, thanks to my wife's mother.
Your mother-in-law? You know her? See, she uses Abby's cell phone to track her, and then I remembered you fired Rooster 'cause he wasn't putting tracking devices on your cows fast enough.
He was also frequently nude in front of our security cameras.
Well, you know, Rooster's account is still active.
He only ever had one password.
"Colt sucks".
Which is actually really smart, 'cause nobody'd guess it, 'cause obviously I don't suck.
I feel like I'm watching an episode of Matlock, where Matlock has a concussion.
See that's the thing about people like you.
You think you're better than people like me.
Well, you're not.
And there's a hell of a lot more people like me than people like you and we don't stop, and we don't quit, and our land it's not just an investment.
It's our home.
And we will die before we stop fighting for it.
You know, I think Chumbawamba said it best: "I get knocked down, but I get up again.
" Now that's that's very inspiring, Colt, but what exactly is your point? Well, I used Rooster's password to log into your system, and I confirmed by your geotags that your bull was on Mooney's property at the exact time and date that this photo was taken.
And that is where he got the trich.
It's all right here.
Your very own records.
Boom! Why would I do that again? Hey.
It's Christmas Eve, you're sitting in here all by yourself? One of my last days on the ranch.
Didn't wanna ruin it spending it with people.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Oh.
Yeah, I get it.
A little alone time.
I get it.
You never get it.
My dad gave me that bottle of whiskey on my 18th birthday.
I promised I would save it for a special occasion but nothing ever seemed big enough to open it.
Not even the birth of your two sons? I said what I said.
Merry Christmas.
What, we're doing gifts now? Well, it's not the shape of a book, so I already like it.
Tickets to Disney World? I'm going to Disney World? Are you effing essing me right now? Mickey don't like it when you swear.
I thought you might like it.
You've mentioned wanting to go once or twice.
This is This is the best gift you ever got me.
This is a lot better than that year you got me a bunch of job applications.
Oh! The whole family's going.
But I'll tell you right now.
I am not drinking out of, or riding in, a fucking teacup.
Oh! Thank you.
[COLT LAUGHS.]
All right, okay.
I got you something, too.
Oh, there it is.
Yeah.
My house keys.
I didn't think it was possible to get a worse gift than the birthday you gave me a Coors five-pack.
I proved to Lisa Neumann that I didn't cause the trich.
She dropped the lawsuit.
And then we got to talking business, and she needed clean cows, and I had some, so I sold her my herd.
The price was the Iron River Ranch.
What the fuck, Colt? You always taught me the most important thing in the world is home.
Been through some fucked-up times over the last few years.
We always had a place to come home to.
Peterson Ranch's gonna make a nice house for me and Abby, but the Iron River will always be the Bennett family home.
We got her back.
I don't know what to say.
I love you, son.
I love you too, Dad.
[ABBY LAUGHS.]
Mr.
Bennett, how about a toast? Colt should make it.
If it wasn't for him, we wouldn't be here.
Yeah, all right then.
I may not have the most money, the fanciest cars and not be able to afford that Estée Lauder ultra diamond energy cream Maybe I should make the toast.
[ALL LAUGH.]
But I got you.
My family.
And we got this place.
[PEYTON YELLS.]
That makes us the richest people in the whole fucking world.
[PEYTON CHATTERING.]
I love you guys.
Here's to Iron River.
That includes you, Rooster.
Love you, brother.
Probably up in Heaven right now telling Jesus, "Yo, this is how you grow a beard.
" [ALL LAUGH.]
Cheers to the fucking Bennetts.
- [ALL.]
Cheers! - And to one Matthews.
Oh, no one cares, okay.
Cheers! And a special thanks to Colt, who made it so we didn't have to live with fucking Colt.
[ABBY LAUGHS.]
This is nice.
But ? What? You usually say, "This is nice, but " Dot-dot-dot.
Okay, this is nice, but you just ruined it.
[LUKE LAUGHS.]
It's good to be here with family.
Merry Christmas, guys.
[MAGGIE.]
Beau are you smiling under that mustache? [JOANNE.]
I think he is.
[ABBY.]
Stop, you're gonna confuse Peyton.
[BEAU.]
It does feel wrong.
[COLT.]
He's smiling, look at him.
Hey, Abby, take a photo! [COUNTRY MUSIC SWELLS.]
Back where I come from Where I'll be when it's said and done Well, I'm proud as anyone That's where I come from