Brooklyn Nine-Nine s04e21 Episode Script

1 Five, four, three, two, and step.
And step, and knees around the world.
Great form, Captain.
Your calves are looking toit.
Peralta, what're you doing at Razzmatazz? We needed to talk somewhere outside the precinct.
Diaz? You are here too.
- Great.
- Yeah.
Sir, we've discovered that Lieutenant Hawkins is dirty.
Her squad isn't investigating the Golden Gang bank robbers, they are the robbers.
- Knees up in the back.
- Sorry, Brenda.
If Hawkins is robbing banks, why did she invite you onto her task force? And squat and hold and work those quads.
We were working on a case that could have exposed her.
This way she can keep tabs on us.
Turn it.
Get down.
God, why is this so hard for me? - Do I even have quads? - And twirl.
Normally, I'd say we'd report this to Internal Affairs - And twirl back.
- But Hawkins is one of the most revered detectives in the NYPD.
- And hula hands.
- If you're gonna go after her, you'd better have the proof to back it up.
Well, then I guess that only leaves us with one option.
And now wag those tails.
Find out everything we can about the squad.
and take her down from the inside.
- Keep wagging back there.
- I am wagging, Brenda.
Morning, Lieutenant Hawkins.
Hey, have you ever considered going by Lady Hawk? Pretty sweet flick.
Matty Broderick, Shelly Pfeiffer, Alf Molina.
Not to be confused with Alf, Alf.
- We all love him.
- What do you want? We ran background checks on all the employees of the three banks that were hit.
- Nothing interesting.
- Run checks on all the family members.
Or we could get to know each other better and join you in the field.
Or you could run a background check.
Lieutenant, the manager of the Capital Trust Bank - in Fort Greene is here.
- Oh, yeah.
- Was that bank even hit? - We brought him in because we think it might be the next target.
Is that standard procedure? You ask a lot of questions.
She really doesn't.
One time I broke my arm, and she didn't even ask me what happened, and it was a really funny story.
[chuckles.]
Wow, now nobody's asking what happened? This is insane.
Okay, I should be back in an hour.
If my desk phone rings, just ignore it.
- I don't answer it anyway.
- You shouldn't tell me - stuff like that.
- Where's Gina going? That's, like, the third time she's taken off this week.
She has a doctor's appointment.
You know what that's code for.
She's taking a nap in the furnace room.
Is that what you do? Because you really should go to the doctor.
When you breathe it sounds like someone's shaking - a bag of quarters.
- You're right.
I'll go to the doctor right now.
Sarge, you think Gina will be okay? She says the doctor's can't be sure, but they're optimistic.
Apparently, she has something called Ansel-Elgort Syndrome.
- Oh, poor Gina.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, you fools.
That's not a disease.
Ansel Elgort's an actor.
Did none of you see "The Fault in Our Stars"? No.
Why did you? Teenage romance, dying chick, oxygen mask.
- Checks all my boxes.
- [both groan.]
So what's really going on with Gina? Wait.
You don't think That she hates work and doesn't wanna be here? - Yeah, I do think.
- No, that she's pregnant.
It all makes sense now.
Last week, I brought in unpasteurized boar's milk and she refused to drink any.
Not a real convincing argument, Boyle.
No, I think Charles might be right.
Yesterday, I asked her to go for a drink, and she said, "That sounds like a nightmare.
" - Oh, Amy.
- Okay.
Just give me this, please.
I'd feel so much better about my self if it was because she was pregnant.
Oh, my God, look what Gina was working on.
"Volcano," "Tibia," "JerHonor," "Concretius," "The Enigma.
" Oh, she's lost her mind.
No, look at what the file is called.
BabyNames.
doc.
You guys, Gina's gonna have a baby.
We're clear.
What was wrong with the step class? Too public.
Couldn't take the risk.
Also, one of us yarfed all over himself after the class.
Yeah, and it doesn't matter which one of us he was.
So what kind of dirt did you dig up on Hawkins? Nothing concrete, but we think we know their next target: Capital Trust Bank, Fort Greene Branch.
As part of our investigation into the Golden Gang, she managed to get alarm schematics and blueprints.
It's the perfect cover.
She's so smooth.
Oh, yeah, she's a smooth criminal.
MJ, RIP.
The problem is, we're not in her inner circle.
She barely talks to us, and I've been super charming.
So what you binging these days? What? Everyone's binging these days.
It's how we consume content.
We need to find out a way to earn her trust.
Normally, I'd say work hard, prove you're good cops, but she doesn't want good cops around her.
Oh, dip.
That's right, Captain.
She doesn't want good cops around her.
We're just gonna have to convince her - that we're dirty.
- How do you plan to do that? With the help of the sketchiest dude we know.
I am so honored you guys thought of me.
You're not gonna regret this.
So, Adrian Working from home, hum? What happened to the office? Couldn't afford the rent.
I'll be honest with you guys, this PI thing is not going great.
Got a couple of bad reviews online, and that pretty much tanked me.
I mean, what does "weird energy" even mean? - Am I right? - Well, my guess is that people find you somewhat threatening and erratic.
Okay, yeah.
That tracks.
But jokes on them 'cause I'm having tons of fun with all this free time.
Catching up on reading, going for walks.
It's great.
The other day, I walked all the way to Maryland.
- Gorgeous.
- Well, listen, - we need your help.
- Great, who are we killing? I won't do kids.
That's a rule.
But that rule is negotiable if the kids a dick.
No, babe, we don't want you to kill anyone.
- What? Really? - No.
We need to make Lieutenant Hawkins think that Diaz and Peralta are dirty.
When you went undercover in the mob, how did you convince them you could be trusted? Easy.
You just take one of their guys and beat him to a pulp in front of them.
Well, that's all well and good, but we're not actually dirty.
We can't just beat somebody up.
What if that someone gave you permission? Babe, do you want us to beat you up? Ugh, yes, please.
Anything to feel alive.
I was lying before about enjoying walking.
It sucks, and Maryland is a giant pile of garbage.
Okay, so we beat the crap out of my fiancé.
- And you're okay with this? - Yeah.
- I just want him to be happy.
- Aww.
You guys are a weird couple, but it appears we have a plan.
Okay, here are the ground rules: You can punch me, kick me, pull my hair, I am a-ok being stabbed, biting and scratching are on the table, - you can use fire.
- These are the ground rules? Is there anything off limits? Damn, man.
You got something really sick you wanna do, huh? Oh, you little pervert.
All right, I like it.
Don't tell me.
Surprise me.
Ooh, this is gonna be fun.
Now remember, if she's expecting, she'll tell us when she's ready.
I don't know how she could keep this from me.
I'm her brother.
I mean, when Genevieve and I knew we were going to adopt, I told her immediately.
- You told everyone.
- Put your hands up, and start clapping for me 'cause I'm gonna be a daddy.
Aww, thank you.
You're gonna need to hold your horses - and respect Gina's privacy.
- [sighs.]
Fine, I will.
What the hell? Is she drinking coffee? Boyle, no.
- What're you doing, you psycho? - What're you doing? You shouldn't be drinking caffeine.
That can stunt the growth of your ba [both mutter.]
- No, no, no, no.
- by, your baby.
Excuse me? What are you trying to say? Nothing.
We don't think your pregnant.
Sharon's pregnant.
Uh, that's not true.
God, I hope it's not true.
What if Sharon's pregnant? Well, it would appear you've figured out my little secret.
We don't know no secret.
You be crazy.
I always talk like this.
Down in Kokomo.
Mm-kay.
It's fine.
You might as well know.
I am with child.
- Congratulations.
- Yes, I'm gonna be an uncle.
I'm gonna be an uncle.
All right, someone take a picture of me kissing her belly.
- Negative, get out.
- Okay, fine, but you have to tell us everything.
How do you feel? When are you due? Oh, my God, I don't even know who the father is.
- Who's the father? - Who's the father? Well, let's just say he's a destroyer of worlds, - and I am his moon and stars.
- Amazing.
I still need his name, phone number, and shirt size.
I have a fun group Halloween costume idea.
I won't tell you what it is.
It's "Three Men and a Baby.
" You're Guttenberg.
Right, well, I would love to give you that info, but there's one little problem.
I signed a non-disclosure agreement, which bars me from revealing his identity.
- Wait, is he famous.
- [chuckles.]
- Is it Batali? - Charles, she can't say.
- Is it Batali? - Legally, I cannot say.
I'm so sorry, guys, but I can give you a hint, and that hint is: He real famous.
- [all gasp.]
- Ooh, y'all are agog.
Textbook agog.
Come on, fetus, let's bounce.
- This way, D-bag.
- Get your pig hands off me.
- You pigs! - Hey, who's this? Now who's asking a lot of questions.
Ooh, schnoops.
You said that to her before and then she flipped it on you.
You got flipped on, son.
What did I do? I didn't do anything wrong.
Really? 'Cause you haven't paid us - in a week.
- [grunts.]
Oh, God, I swear.
I'll get you the money.
I just need a little more [grunts.]
Oh, my God, you really punched me.
Oh, my God, that hurt.
[both grunt.]
- Are you okay? - What? Yeah, this is my character.
I'm a coward.
Come on.
Give me everything you got.
Oh.
[both grunt.]
Where's our money? [grunts.]
Oh, my kidneys.
Oh, I'm pretty sure I'm bleeding internally.
- Oh, God.
- Get up.
- [both grunt.]
- I am so sorry.
Why? It's going great.
Punch me really hard in the stomach.
Oh, okay.
- [grunts, groans.]
- I think you broke my ribs.
Ah, you're really hurting me.
Please, stop hurting me.
[grunts, exhales.]
What are you doing? I said stop hurting me.
What? I thought you were in character.
No, no, I don't have health insurance.
- This could bankrupt me.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm just very confused.
Come on.
[breathing heavily.]
Get us the money by Friday or I'll break more than your ribs.
Jake.
We're being watched? Uh-oh.
How many times have I smacked you - in your face? - Lost count.
And you still have no fear of me.
I'm trying to read your womb vibe.
Exactly.
Knock it off.
The daddy's your Property Brother, isn't he? - It's a Property Baby.
- Charles, you know I legally can't answer.
Do you want me to have my baby in jail? All right, no more questions.
Only statements.
You are glowing.
Brother to sister, you've never looked sexier.
- Come on, man.
- [cell phone buzzes.]
Uh, you guys, I would love to stay and chat about my unborn king or queen, but I just got a text from redacted, and he wants to take me to a fancy lunch at redacted, so I gotta get outta here, but you know what? I'll be back at redacted o'clock.
[laughs.]
Bye.
Okay, so she's going to meet the father of her child, - and it is break time - And you better believe - that we're gonna follow her.
- both: Yes.
The only celebrity I've ever seen in real life was Paul Shaffer.
- It was exhilarating.
- I bet.
Be careful.
Don't let her see us.
Then you should have got a disguise like me, idiots.
Why do you even own that? I was banned from Wing Sluts for using too much sauce, so I got it to sneak past the hostess.
So far it has not worked.
Wait, look.
There's no fancy lunch.
There's no fancy guy.
She lied to us.
"Redacted" my ass.
What's up? So not sure if Paxton told you, but we brought a perp in earlier.
Good-looking guy, weird energy.
Yeah, did you get anything? He didn't know jack, but we surprisingly noticed that there was a camera in the room.
And we really need that footage.
- Why? - Let's just say, in the course of questioning him, he may have accidentally fallen down - a couple of times.
- He's real clumsy.
If the wrong person saw that tape, they might get the wrong idea.
You know, I saw the tape, and it was shocking how clumsy that guy actually was.
- Right? - And the funny thing is, I meant to save the file, but I deleted it by accident.
Guess we're all a little clumsy.
Yes, indeed.
I stepped on my omelet this morning.
Not pertinent, let's continue with our covert conversation.
You know, a bunch of us are going out drinking tonight.
- You wanna come? - You know it.
But I should probably warn you, me and Rosa go pretty hard.
Great.
Bring some coke.
Oh, so you mean, hard, hard.
[laughs.]
- Hmm.
- Okay, sweet.
Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet.
Cocaine.
Coc-a-ina.
- No.
- No? Did she take the bait like a stupid fish? Yeah, she invited us to go out with her gang tonight.
- Nice.
- Speaking of which, Captain, any luck getting coke out of evidence? One bag of primo blow, as is the parlance.
I still have reservations about this plan.
Perhaps you could say your dealer ran out or he's summering in Nantucket.
No, this is perfect.
If she gets wasted, maybe she'll get sloppy and start talking.
Plus, I mean, I can teach you guys how to fake take real drugs like a pro.
I used to do it all the time when I was undercover.
All you gotta do is close your nostril when you go down.
Watch this.
[sniffs.]
Oh, nope.
I didn't do it that time.
I got a full snout full.
Whoo.
[chuckles.]
Okay, no, let me just try again.
I'm a little rusty.
All you gotta do, just close the old nost-a-roni, and [sniffs.]
Oh, boy, I got more than time.
Oh.
[laughs.]
Whoa, where did you get this? - Adrian, that's enough.
- Oh.
We can make fake cocaine for ourselves - out of vitamin B powder.
- Ooh, vitamin B.
- The second-best vitamin.
- Guys, I'm telling you.
The fake snorting can work.
Watch.
[sniffs.]
Oh.
[coughing.]
Oh, I got so much that time.
[laughs.]
Whoa, ooh, anybody wanna listen to Jamiroquai right now? Okay, I'm just gonna move this away from your nose holes.
Well, you two should get going.
If Hawkins tells you anything, text me right away.
I'll stay here and watch Adrian.
Who's Adrian? Yeah, all right! Hey, any of you guys play an instrument? You know, I play a little bit of bouzouki.
Anybody else play an ancient stringed instrument? No? You guys wanna go to the beach? It's a beautiful day.
Just maybe, like, get out there.
Throw the disc around.
Right? Hey, have you ever been to the Statue of Liberty, Captain? Have you? Have you been inside? Like, under the skirt? Like, what's up there? Did they build a You know what I'm saying? Oh, guys, watch this.
I'm gonna juggle.
both: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Admit it, Gina.
There was no celebrity.
There was no fancy lunch at redacted.
Well, that's strange because I remember eating lobster-fed beef.
It's the best kind.
The cows live by the sea and they eat only lobster.
- We know you're lying.
- I am offended.
- Nay, outraged that - We saw you eating cheese pizza - all alone.
- Oh, okay, then you caught me.
Gina, what is really going on? - Immaculate conception? - No.
Why did you make all that stuff up? Because I value my privacy, and it's like you guys are always in my business, - specifically Charles.
- Look, it's just that I'm your brother and I love you, and I'm invested, but if that's what you really want, then I'll leave you alone.
Ugh, fine.
I'll tell you who the baby's father is, - but you have to be chill.
- I will be so chill.
The baby daddy is a Boyle cousin.
[screams.]
It's a Boyle! Whoo! Ugh, this place smells like Regret? Failure? - Ketchup.
- Hey, Diaz, Peralta.
- Over here.
- What's up, Lieutenant? Cell phones in the bag.
- Why? - It's standard procedure.
We don't like having phones at parties.
Right, it's like, "Look up from your screens people.
"You're missing out on the best app there is.
- Real life.
" - Well, you see, we're gonna be doing a lot of drugs and we're cops, so we don't want our pictures taken.
Yeah, your reason's better.
- Here you go.
- All right, then.
- Here we go.
- Let's get sloppy.
[exhaling.]
[inhales sharply.]
I like it.
You guys, I found out why Gina lied about the non-disclosure agreement.
Because of how invasive and crazy you are? Oh, Terry, you gullible little rube.
It's because of which cousin it is.
That's right.
I found out which Boyle seed - did the deed.
- [both groan.]
The father is Milton.
Who's Milton? We're not a part of your family.
He's a total loser.
I mean, of all the Boyle's to bang, why bang Milton Boyle? - He's that bad? - "He's that bad?" Wow, Terry, you are a rube.
Milton's a troll.
Okay, look.
We have to be supportive.
- Gina is our friend.
- Ugh.
Oh, my God, he's here.
You guys try not to puke all over yourselves when you see him.
- Hi, Milton.
- Oh, hey, Charles.
- He's a Boyle? - Right? Don't look at his weird face.
You'll make him feel bad.
Hey, uh, have you seen Gina? You mean ever? [scoffs.]
Get more specific, Milton.
[squeals.]
Milty! - Hey! - [giggles.]
both: Mmm.
What're you doing here? Thought I would take my warrior goddess - out to a surprise dinner.
- Oh, is the surprise that you can afford dinner since you dropped out of high school? I left after junior year to be a professional snowboarder.
- Oh.
- And now he owns a winter apparel company that donates snow to the poor.
- Water.
- You're so amazing.
You're so amazing.
Oh, they're dancing now.
Are you guys doing the Lambada? Hmm, I guess we are.
I hadn't noticed.
Sometimes we just do that.
Aww, you guys make a cute couple.
You're welcome.
Now enjoy watching us leave.
Hey, I had a great idea for a baby name.
- What is it? - If it's a girl, how about "The Enigma"? Oh, my God, I already thought of that, and then if it's a boy, it could just be - both: "The Enigmo.
" - [both giggle.]
Bye, Charles.
I love you.
Bye, Milton.
I love you too.
Come on, Charles, you have to admit, they're perfect for each other.
Yeah, I guess I'm happy for her.
Let's just hope the baby doesn't get his looks.
- What a dweeb.
- Nah, bro, he's hot.
[rock music playing.]
[sniffs.]
Oh, wow, that's good stuff.
- Who's your guy? - Actually, it's a woman.
Women can be drug dealers too #lmWithHer.
- Here.
- Oh, no, I'm good.
Not to be snobby, but I got my own stash.
It's the bomb.
Smuggled this vial in on a plane.
Stuck it right up my butt.
[laughs.]
- Want some? - No, thanks.
I'm good with the non-butt coke.
Suit yourself.
[exhales.]
[sniffs, chuckles.]
Bartender made me my favorite drink.
- It's called a bottle of whiskey.
- I like your style.
You know, when I first met you two, I thought you were pretty uptight.
More like down loose.
That's nothing.
Hey, about the interrogation room.
Don't even worry about it.
Sometimes you gotta do stuff.
Me and my crew, sometimes we gotta do stuff too.
Understood, and hey, look, if you ever need help doing stuff, - maybe keep us in mind.
- I will.
Enough business, huh? [sniffs.]
Yeah! [rock music.]
Yeah.
Wakey, wakey.
Rise and shine.
- It's go time.
- Go time? - What time go time? - I said I'd keep you in mind.
Remember? Well, we got a job.
- What job? - We're robbing a bank.
We always party the night before.
It keeps us loose.
Here are your masks.
Oh, great.
Awesome.
Obviously, we're on board.
Just one thing, if Rosa doesn't eat breakfast, she's a real bear.
Plus, I should go home, take a shower, and gots to watch my "Michael and Kelly.
" - [chuckles.]
- We go now.
Sure, totally.
Groban's filling in anyway.
Let's go rob a bank.
All right, when we get there we're going in hard, and we're going in fast.
Paxton and I will take the vaults 'cause we know how to use the tools, You two are on crowd control.
Make it clear you're in charge or things could get messy.
Any questions? - A million.
- No time.
Follow our lead.
Hey, what do we do? [car engine turns over.]
We can't call for backup.
We gave 'em our phones.
We don't have our phones, but we have a phone.
I picked it up at the bar last night.
Oh, my God, you have to tell me more about your blues band, and you guys are all accountants? That's so fun.
I cannot figure you out, but I love it.
All right, let me text Holt.
This is Jake.
Robbing Fort Greene Branch right now.
Bring backup.
Hurry.
Siren emoji, white hands clapping emoji, brown hands clapping emoji.
- Just send it.
- Okay.
I just received a text from Peralta.
I need everyone in full tactical gear in three minutes.
Move, move, move! [tires squealing.]
[exciting music.]
Okay, who says what? I'll do the "everybody down" - if no one's taken that.
- Shh.
Right, got it.
[glass shatters.]
- Everybody down! - [guns cocking.]
I called that.
Everybody down! It's not as good.
They're already down.
Palms on the floor! I wanna see your hands! I also wanna see your hands! You're taking all the good lines.
Look alive, squad.
We don't have much time.
If anything happens to Jake, I'll never forgive myself.
My last words to him were, "No, you're the man.
" That actually sounds pretty nice, Boyle.
Nice isn't good enough, Sarge.
[sirens wailing.]
Okay, everyone, be cool, - and nobody's getting hurt.
- [whistles.]
They're almost done with the vaults.
When is the squad gonna get here? - Peralta, cops.
- Yes.
- [clears throat.]
- I mean, oh, no, what a bummer.
The police.
But still, maybe a lesson for all of us that crime doesn't pay.
We go in the front door, we use the wedge formation.
- On my command.
- Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait for me! I'm here, I'm here.
Okay, I followed you here all the way on my bike.
- We were going very fast.
- I know.
I'm still pretty coked up.
Let's do this, Nine-Nine! You are not a police officer.
You're not part of this mission.
Right, okay.
Well, I'm just gonna go in this bank and cash a check.
Whatever happens happens.
Am I right? Let's do this! NYPD, hands up, weapons down! - Put 'em down, now! - Masks off! - Let's see your hands.
- Great work, boys.
We're cops.
- Wait, where's Captain Holt? - Who's Captain Holt? - I don't know a Captain Holt.
- What? NYPD, put down your weapons! - Oh! - What the hell? - What is happening? - We're at the wrong bank.
[groaning.]
I'm crashing.
We're NYPD officers.
This is an undercover operation.
That's a lie, Peralta.
You're the Golden Gang.
We've been onto you for weeks, but we finally got you.
Hawkins? How did you get over there? - Who are they? - You tell me.
They're your crew.
They got us, Jake.
It's over.
I've never seen them before.
- What is going on? - Good job, everyone.
We finally got the Golden Gang.
I can't believe you thought you were gonna take me down.
You are not gonna get away with this.
Oh, I already did, and Captain Holt won't be able to get you out of this one.
Get them out of my sight.
Dirty cops make me sick! They make me sick! I'm the sick one! She's dirty! I'm clean! I'm a clean boy! - Not a doctor.
- Shh.