Empty Nest (1988) s04e21 Episode Script

Uh.
What are you doing up this early? I thought you worked the graveyard shift last night.
I did.
Got in about 4:00.
And then, just as I was getting to sleep, mister hetzel started working on that stupid lawn.
I've never seen a man so obsessed.
I mean, who else waters their lawn and then blow-dries it? Well, next time I catch him riding that lawn mower, I'm going to shoot it right out from under his wrinkled old butt.
Save your ammo, dear.
Carol just went over to talk to him about it.
Oh, yeah.
Like that's going to help.
Come on, now, give your sister some credit.
When she tries, she can have quite a winning way with people.
No, you shut up, you stupid, stupid old man! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Life goes on and so do we Just how we do it is no mystery One by one - one by one we fill the days we find a thousand different ways Sometimes the answer can be hard to find Hard to find that's something I will never be I'm always here for anything you need Anything you need rain or shine I'll be the one To share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on I see you worked it out with old man hetzel.
It's not enough that he pollutes our airwaves with his high decibel lawn care equipment, now he's trying to drive me to bankruptcy.
You're so close you could walk.
Carol, exactly how is old man hetzel trying to drive you to bankruptcy? He's running for president of the homeowners association.
So? He's running on a two-issue platform: Mandatory lawn maintenance, and converting the old banquet hall into a community theater.
How does this all relate to you? Daddy, I'm the only caterer in the neighborhood.
No more banquet hall means no more parties, or bar mitzvahs, and there goes my business.
No more elegant epicure.
What is an epicure, anyway? It sounds like something you use to remove unwanted body hair.
Maybe that's why business isn't so good.
Carol, honey, if you feel that strongly about the election maybe you should run.
Come on, get some of your ideas out there.
Recycling, creation of bicycle lanes cultural exchange with a sister neighborhood in Dubrovnik.
Good-bye.
Good-bye, dear.
Carol, you're forgetting you have one big political liability.
What? The entire neighborhood hates you.
Good point.
If only I could find someone to run for me.
Some mindless stooge that I could get elected, and then control from behind the scenes.
I am sick and tired of this noise.
I'm going to show old man hetzel what I think of his lawn.
Can I borrow dreyfuss? Wait a second, Charley.
Young, good-looking, compared to mister hetzel, totally malleable.
Kind of a Dan quayle without the intellect.
Charley, how would you like to be the new president of the lanai oaks homeowners association? I can't.
I'm not a home owner, I'm a home renter.
And I couldn't spell lanai if my life depended on it.
A mere technicality.
Just think of it.
Charley dietz, the president.
The most powerful leader in the free suburb.
I don't know.
I never really won anything before.
I find that very hard to believe.
Well, in high school, I was voted least likely to graduate, six years in a row.
See? You really think I could get elected? Sure, people hate mister hetzel almost as much as they hate Carol.
Wait a minute.
I'd be up against old man hetzel? The lawn Nazi? Okay.
I'll run.
Now, what do I have to do? Nothing.
Nothing.
Just keep your thoughts to yourself, your pants zipped, and leave the rest to me.
Here's your blt.
Uh, only they was out of bacon, so they used ham.
And the lettuce was kind of wiltedy, so they used cabbage.
In other words, I'm eating a ham and cabbage sandwich? I'm surprised they have the tomato.
Ketchup.
Excuse me.
I'm new here.
Can you tell me how to get to surgery? Rupture somethin'.
I'm just kiddin' you.
Howdy.
My name's Laverne Todd.
Barbara Weston.
- Say what? - Laverne, it's me! I'm under cover.
Somebody's been stealing medical equipment, so they sent me to check it out.
Laverne, I can't read your handwriting.
Shh! Laverne, don't say anything.
I want to have a little fun with daddy.
I can't wait to see his face when he finds out it's me.
Laverne, help me out here, will you, please? Is this a seven or a two? Hard to tell.
What do you think, Barbara? Barbara, be my focus group.
What comes to mind when you see this? Alfred e.
Newman.
- Barbara.
- What? I can't help it.
They look exactly alike.
Greetings, my fellow floridolphians.
How's the campaign trail going, Charley? Well, I did like Carol said, and I spent the entire day hanging around the supermarket, carrying out groceries for all the little old ladies in the neighborhood.
- Sounds like a rough day.
- I'll say.
Couple of times, I almost put the wrong bag in the trunk.
It's okay, Charley.
We'll do some damage control tomorrow at the ladies' club debate.
Jeez, I hope I can remember all my lines.
What? You worry? Just relax and follow my signals, and we can't miss.
We've worked out a series of responses concerning the major issues of the campaign.
Go ahead.
Ask him a question.
Okay, Charley.
How come your hair never looks the same way twice? A question about the homeowners association.
Oh.
Charley, what do you think of mandatory lawn maintenance? Call me old-fashioned, but I still think decisions about lawn care should be left to the individual.
That's the way my dad did it, his dad before him.
That's the American way to keep our lawns growing, and healthy, and moving into the future.
Of course, I have no idea what I just said.
Oh! Excuse me, miss.
I'm looking for a pediatrician for my grandson.
Well, ma'am, you've come to the right place.
Oh, yes.
I hear that doctor Weston is very good.
Good.
Well, he can spot a chicken pock at 50 paces.
Oh.
Gotcha, Laverne! Oh, my! You really had me goin'.
I bet you your daddy will never guess this one.
He'd better not.
I spent three hours on this disguise.
Fine.
Now, you just be sure you're gonna drink plenty of fluids, right.
And, Laverne, would you make another appointment please? By the way, Mrs.
mahoney, have you met my daughter, Barbara? Why, I ought to Now, don't screw things up by trying to think.
Just stick to the canned responses, and remember when I primp mention how we need to keep the kitchen in the old banquet hall.
Right.
Oh, welcome, mister dietz.
Hello, Mrs.
Robinson.
Remember me, Carol Weston? Aren't you that girl that ran over my mailbox? - That was years ago.
- Oh, come on in.
There he is, Charley.
The enemy.
Oh.
The enemy just dribbled cocktail sauce all down his face.
Charley, who's that rather handsome young man he's with? Eric proust.
Dramaturge? Perhaps you're familiar with my work? You've heard of Shakespeare in the park? Oh, my god, of course.
Well, I'm the man who brought Miami pinter in the mall.
Charley, don't I see a cheese ball with your name on it? All right.
The perks are rolling in already.
You know, I've seen you around the neighborhood.
You drive that ancient peugeot with the cute bumper sticker.
Honk if you love iambic pentameter.
I adore that.
Not only do I adore it, I get it.
Carol Weston.
I'm pleased to meet you.
The pleasure's all mine.
Eric, I know you live in the neighborhood and all, but what's an attractive young man like you doing in a place like this? Actually, I have a vested interest in these proceedings.
Let's just say I'm herb hetzel's campaign manager.
What do you mean? I mean that the fate of the old meeting hall is very important to me.
My troupe of thespians needs a new theater.
We're losing the lease on our current space above petland.
Why, of all the sneaky Well, why don't you just run for president yourself instead of hiding behind a helpless old man? It's the oddest thing; It seems everyone in the neighborhood hates me.
Girls, will you all take your places? Just sit down.
Tomorrow, we're going to elect a new president for the lanai oaks homeowners association.
So get your questions ready.
Let's see some democracy in action, and then we'll have pie.
I am sick and tired of dogs getting in my trash.
Could you put that in the form of a question? - Certainly.
What is: I am sick and tired of dogs getting in my trash.
Thank you.
Mister hetzel.
We must keep dogs off our lawns, lawns that are neatly edged and mowed to a uniform length.
Lawns that are fertilized with rich wholesome dade county manure.
And you call yourself a dramaturge? I'm not exactly working with Olivier here.
In summation, I urge fewer dogs, fertilized lawns, and uniform hedges for a decent Miami.
Oh, yeah.
And turn that banquet hall into a theater.
Thank you, herb.
And, now, are there any questions for Charley? What do you think of herb hetzel's yard fetish? Call me old-fashioned All: Oh but I still think decisions about lawn care should be left to the individual.
Oh.
Smart boy.
That's the way my dad did it and his dad before him.
Oh, such a good son.
My Stephen should show such respect.
He carried my groceries yesterday.
That's the American way, to keep our lawns healthy and growing, and moving into the future.
All: Oh! I get good feeling from him.
- Yes.
- Very handsome.
Yes.
I trust him.
You can just tell he Sincere.
In conclusion, sure I get lonely.
All: Oh.
But I refuse to marry until I meet a girl who lives up to the standard of womanly excellence set by my mom.
All: Aww! - Sweet! - You should meet my Cynthia.
Your Cynthia, my Sharon.
I congratulate you.
You've trained your monkey impeccably.
Now, are there any other questions for Charley? Charley, what do you think about older women? Older women.
You know, I find you most attractive.
- Ooh.
- Ah - The kitchen.
- What? That's where older women belong, in the kitchen.
Oh, my god.
Younger women, older women, all you gals.
That's the American way.
Men, they're all alike.
Sounds like the bastard I was married to for 30 years.
If it weren't for men like you, I could be driving an 18-Wheeler.
- What did I say? - Come on, girls.
We know how we're gonna vote tomorrow.
No, ladies, please.
I know Charley.
He didn't mean it.
Wait! Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.
Shut up! I hate you.
You're not alone.
Ciao.
Well, there goes the election, my catering business, and the most interesting man I've met in years.
I guess this means I won't get to be president.
Wait a second, Charley.
The election isn't until tomorrow.
Charley, I've got it.
You have to seduce those women.
Forget it, Carol.
Those women are looking at menopause in their rear-view mirror.
No, Charley.
Not seduce, seduce.
You know.
Seduce! They're widows.
They're lonely.
Just let them feel like someone cares.
Read my lips.
Mm-mm.
What a shame, you were so close.
Those women looked up to you.
- They did? - You were their hero.
- I was? - For one brief, shining moment, you were like a god to them.
All right.
Bring on those elderly babes.
Put on your old gray bonnet With the blue ribbons on it While I hitch old dobbin to the shay What's a shay? And through fields of clover We'll drive up to Dover On our golden wedding day Hi, I'm Kyle, your new mailman.
Sure you are.
And I'm Irving r.
Levine in Washington.
I bet doctor Weston's been waiting for this.
It's his tax refund.
Sure it is.
We wouldn't want one of his worthless daughters a-spendin' it, now, would we? Lady, you just violated a federal law.
Whoo! I'm a-shakin' in my boots.
Give it up, Barbara.
Great disguise, though.
You got an Adam's app - I'm sorry.
- Lady, you're crazy.
There's a rational explanation.
I thought you was a woman.
Oh, Laverne, is that the mailman? Uh, I'm afraid so.
Well, anything interesting? - No, just the usual garbage.
- All right.
Let's see those last couple of patients, and then, I'm out of here.
You want a ride home, Barbara? Now listen to this, Charley.
We took him back to the hospital for exploratory surgery.
Do you know what they found? - More tumors? - Tumors.
The man was riddled with tumors.
The doctor took one look at those tumors and said, "sew him back up.
"There's nothing we can do for him.
Not with those tumors.
" One lump or two? Eric, I'm so glad you came.
I was afraid you'd refuse my little conciliatory gesture.
How could I resist? You're the first woman to actually invite me over for harveys Bristol cream.
Eric, I wanted to apologize for telling you that I hated you this afternoon.
Oh, I don't mind.
I'm used to it.
After all, you're looking at the man who staged porgy and Bess with an all-white cast.
Mrs.
Robinson? It's me, Charley.
I'm sorry, I'm a little late.
Mrs.
Robinson? I'm over here, Charley.
Mrs.
Robinson, what are you doing? I'm just taking off my knee-high nylons.
"For never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo.
" You know, hearing the words of the immortal bard has made me think.
Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on poor mister hetzel.
I mean, he's so old, and his health is terrible.
In fact no, forget it.
No, wait.
You think I should advise him to withdraw from the election? Maybe.
For his own good.
I'll bet you do.
Eric? Where are you going? For a minute there, I actually thought we could have something.
We could.
The whole time, you were just leading me on, telling me anything that you thought might allow you to have your way with me.
I let myself be vulnerable with you, Carol.
And you used me.
No, Mrs.
Robinson.
Really, Charley is not here.
Yes, I will tell him if I see him.
Okay, bye.
Congratulations, Charley.
You won.
You're the president of the homeowners association.
I'll get the champagne.
I won? I won! I won! In your face, hetzel! I, Charley dietz, am invincible.
Ha-ha! Oh.
Ooh! Ow! Carol, I want to thank you for everything you've done for me.
What did I do? I got you elected by sacrificing honesty, ethics, morals, and everything I believe in.
Isn't that how it's usually done? You two go ahead and celebrate.
I need some time alone.
Oh, dreyfuss.
I don't know what to do.
Maybe I should get the door.
I came to congratulate you.
You mean, you don't hate me? Always looking for subtext, aren't you? It's all right.
You don't have to hate me I hate myself right now.
Eric, Charley wasn't even qualified to run.
Neither was hetzel.
He emigrated from Europe after the war with rather questionable papers.
Why, of all the sneaky little things stop that.
Now, would you like to have dinner with me tonight? I know a place that serves excellent Croatian food.
- I'd love to.
- Good.
- I'll see you at eight.
- Eric.
Now that Charley's been elected, what's going to happen to your theater troupe? Without a theater? I suppose we'll have to perform door-to-door.
Actually, that might be an interesting way to mount death of a salesman.
Wait, maybe we could compromise.
I know.
We could build a stage, and keep the kitchen, and have our very own community dinner theater.
God, that sounds pathetic.
Yoo-hoo! Mister president! Mister oh, hi.
Yoo-hoo! Mister president! By the light not the dark but the light Of the silvery moon not the sun but the moon I want to spoon not a fork but a spoon To my honey I'll croon love's tune Honeymoon not divorce but honeymoon Keep-shinin' in June not may but June Your silvery beams will bring love's dreams We'll be cuddlin' soon We'll be cuddlin' soon by the silvery moon