Get Smart (1965) s04e21 Episode Script

Chief: In our previous episode, King Charles of Caronia was smuggled into the United States inside a mummy case.
Meanwhile, Maxwell Smart was ordered to grow a mustache for a secret assignment.
You were instructed to grow a mustache.
You call that a mustache? There's a mustache under here someplace, Chief.
Chief: That night at the Caronian Embassy, Smart and 99, as ordered, attended a masquerade ball - ( fabric tears ) - ( 99 gasps ) unaware that a switch was to be made.
So once again, because of your remarkable resemblance to King Charles, we ask your help.
Chief: Ordered to guard the Caronian Royal Scepter with his life, Smart found himself face to face with King Charles's mortal enemy, Rupert of Rathskeller.
Having to hide King Charles in the Smart apartment presented obvious difficulties.
I'm over here.
That's King Charles.
You're not gonna like this Chief, but I forgot where I hid the scepter.
What? That is exactly where it's going to remain.
- In the umbrella stand? - Yes.
If you and I couldn't find it in there, Rupert never will.
All right, get started.
Chief: While Smart relaxed with the belief that King Charles was safe in his apartment, KAOS had its typically ingenious method of getting someone inside-- someone who could kill the king.
KAOS agent: Hello, Rupert.
King Charles is staying with Maxwell Smart.
I've already sent in the silent visitor.
In a matter of moments, every human being in that apartment will be dead.
Chief: KAOS's silent visitor-- a giant deadly tarantula.
( theme music playing ) ( door opens ) Max, don't you think you ought to come to bed? Max, what's that on your shoulder? Don't make any sudden moves, 99.
It's a deadly tarantula.
Max! Now do exactly as I tell you.
Go to your purse and get out a mirror.
I got it, Max.
Now what? Now come over here very slowly and don't do anything to startle the tarantula.
Now hold the mirror up so he can see himself.
-What good will that do? - He may think it's another tarantula and be attracted by it.
Okay.
He sees it, Max.
Good.
Now, now-- now pull the mirror back slowly.
It's working, Max! Good, now lay the mirror down.
He's crawling onto it, Max.
Now, quick! Go in the kitchen and get me a jar.
Right.
Here, Max.
I wanted an empty jar, 99.
Well, Max, I didn't know what you wanted it for.
- Well, what was in there? - Horseradish.
Horseradish.
Killed him instantly.
Max, Rupert must know that we're keeping King Charles here.
Why do you say that, 99? Well, he must know.
Someone put that tarantula in our apartment.
Don't be ridiculous.
The window was open and the tarantula came in by itself.
Well, I certainly hope you're right, Max.
But I never heard of a tarantula in this part of the country.
I say, what's going on down there? Oh, nothing, Your Highness.
Everything is just fine.
What is that terrible smell? Uh, horseradish.
Horseradish? Smells more like a tarantula.
Good morning, angel face.
Good morning, Mrs.
Smart.
But I'm afraid you've made a mistake.
I'm not angel face, I'm Charles.
- Oh.
- I'm angel face.
( stuttering ) I'm terribly sorry.
Excuse me.
Well, that's just great, 99, you did it again.
- Oh, Max I thought-- - I know what you thought.
- You thought it was me, right? - Right.
( snickers ) How was it? - How was what? - His kiss.
Well, it was just another kiss.
- Oh, really.
- Mm-hmm.
I didn't take any notice of it.
Max, I think you're jealous.
Jealous, are you kidding? I don't have a jealous bone in my whole body.
- Were they soft? - Were what soft? - His lips.
- Oh, Max, this is silly.
All right, 99, if you say it didn't mean anything to you, okay, it didn't mean anything to you.
We'll forget about the whole thing.
I'll never mention it again.
I'll never bring it up again.
We'll let bygones be bygones.
But just look me in the eye and tell me that it meant absolutely nothing to you.
It meant absolutely nothing to me.
I don't believe you.
Max, there's got to be some way that I can tell you and the king apart.
I know, your wedding band.
He is not married so he doesn't wear one.
That's how I'll tell you apart, okay? Okay.
And listen, I'm sorry about the way I acted, 99.
I won't be jealous anymore.
Oh, that's all right, Max.
Where are you going? I'm going to ask the king if he wants some coffee.
I'll go with you.
Where's the king? He went down to the embassy.
He'll be back in a little while.
Max, it's almost noon.
Aren't you gong down to headquarters? Well, I thought I'd go in a little late today.
- Oh, how late? - Like tomorrow morning.
Max, you know it isn't really necessary for you to stay here all day.
I can take care of the king when he comes back.
to get rid of me? Of course I'm not, Max.
I'm just saying that it isn't necessary for you to stay here all day.
Well, all right, I'll go down to headquarters.
- I'll see you later, 99.
- Okay, Max.
He'll be back later.
Max, there's no need for you to stay here.
I can take care of King Charles when he comes back.
( doorbell rings ) Oh, you forgot your key, Max.
Max? ( chuckles) I'm sorry, my dear, but you've made a mistake.
It is I, King Charles.
Oh, I'm sorry, Your Highness, I just didn't expect you back so soon.
Well, it didn't take as long as I expected.
Oh, I see.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm just finishing the dishes.
Oh, good, I'll help you.
That's very sweet of you, but it really isn't necessary, Your Highness.
Don't call me "Your Highness.
" Call me Charles.
Charles.
Max just left for headquarters.
He was a little late today.
Yes, I know.
I just passed him in the hall, and I'm glad because it gives us a chance to be alone and get better acquainted.
Uh, well, why don't we wait until Max gets back.
Then the three of us can get acquainted together.
You know, my dear, I'm extremely fond of your husband, but to tell you the truth I think you could have done far, far better.
Your Highness! You may be our guest and you may be a king, but I really resent what-- - ( phone ringing ) - Excuse me.
( chuckles ) - Hello.
- Von Klaus: Hello, Mrs.
Smart.
This is Colonel Von Klaus.
Oh, would you like to speak to King Charles? No, no, King Charles is right here with me.
- He is? - Von Klaus: Of course.
He's in with the ambassador signing some very important papers.
I see.
Von Klaus: Your Majesty wanted me to let you know not to wait dinner for him as he'll be quite late.
Well, thank you very much for calling, Colonel Von Klaus.
Goodbye.
Is something wrong, my dear? Huh-uh.
That was just the cleaner calling to say that a truck broke down.
They won't be able to make the delivery.
Now-- now where were we? Well, I was just about to suggest that we open a bottle of champagne.
Ah, yes, champagne.
( chuckles ) Champagne? Yes, of course, my dear.
Champagne, what a splendid suggestion.
Well, not nearly as exciting as your suggestion.
Which suggestion was that? That we get to know each other better.
No, no, my dear, this is all wrong.
I mean, after all, Maxwell is my friend.
He has been kind enough to offer me his home, his hospitality.
Just consider it a package deal.
Uh yes.
Well, tell me about Maxwell.
He must be a very interesting fellow to live with.
Well, I wouldn't say interesting was exactly the word.
Not interesting, yes.
Well, he must be very exciting then.
Well, I don't think exciting is quite the word.
Romantic? Romantic definitely isn't the word.
I'd say, um routine would be a good word.
Routine? Maxwell doesn't seem routine to me at all.
Well, that's because you're not married to him.
You know it is just amazing.
You and Max look exactly alike, and yet you are two such entirely different personalities.
Yes, well, Maxwell has many good qualities, my dear.
He is dependable, he is loyal, he's faithful.
Kiss me.
( sighs ) He's finished.
No no, my dear, this is all wrong.
I-- I-- What Max doesn't know won't hurt him.
Now, I'm going to go upstairs and slip into something a little bit more comfortable.
You bring up the champagne and the glasses, okay? ( chuckling ) Ah, Maxwell, my friend.
- How are you? - Terrible.
The scepter.
Don't tell me someone has stolen the scepter.
No, no, the scepter is safely hidden.
This is something personal.
I can't talk about it.
My wife has been unfaithful to me.
Good heavens! With whom? With me.
With you? I don't think I understand.
To think I broke up my own marriage.
I'm afraid you talk in riddles, my friend.
By the way, would you tell Mrs.
Smart to ignore Colonel Von Klaus's phone call? I will be dining with you this evening.
We're practically newlyweds, and the first king who comes alo-- Colonel Von Klaus called? When? This afternoon when I was with him at the embassy.
Well, then she knew about it all the time.
I beg your pardon? Well, now it's my turn to play a little joke on her.
Excuse me, Your Highness.
(chuckles ) Where's the champagne? In the refrigerator where it always is.
That is, if there's any left.
King Charles is sitting downstairs and he just polished off a whole bottle.
- King Charles? - Yes, and he sure looked happy, 99.
You know, it makes me happy to see my friends happy.
Max, there's something that I don't understand though.
Colonel Von Klaus called just a little while ago and he said that King Charles was with him at embassy.
Well, that was just a ruse, 99.
You see, we thought that the wire might be tapped, so I went over to the embassy and picked up the papers that King Charles was supposed to sign.
I brought them home.
He has them now.
Oh.
And you just came back right now, hmm? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, no.
What's the matter, 99? Is something wrong? Oh, Max, there's something that I've got to tell you.
But before I say it, I just want you to know that I love you more than anything in the world.
Oh, Max.
I have a confession to make.
Wait a minute, 99.
- I know what you're gonna say.
- You do? Yes, and you don't have to say it.
You see, that-- that was me down there on the couch with you.
I-- I was playing a little joke on you.
I don't know why.
I guess I was just jealous.
Oh, Max.
( rumbling, glass breaks ) - ( gasps ) What was that? - King Charles.
Max, King Charles is gone.
"We have the king.
Bring the scepter to the embassy room, place it on desk, then leave.
Come alone or the king dies-- Rupert.
" Where would Rupert have taken him? The embassy room.
The embassy room.
Wait a minute, 99.
How did Rupert get into that room at the embassy last night? What are you talking about, Max? Well, he couldn't have come through the door because I was facing that way and I would have seen him.
He couldn't have come through the window, because when I went out the window I noticed it was locked.
Which means that there has to be a secret passage in there.
a half hour's head start.
You call the Chief, Colonel Von Klaus and tell them to meet me at the embassy.
Max be careful.
I will.
- ( silenced gunshot ) - ( grunts ) I won the pig.
I don't have a pig.
You got change of a horse? What was that? Probably just a rat.
Meow.
If that was a rat, he's pretty confused.
Hold it! ( grunts ) ( applause ) Bravo! Excellent, Mr.
Smart.
One false move, Rupert, and I run him through.
Be my guest.
Now go get the boat ready, dummy.
Now, Mr.
Smart, if you will step this way.
Drop the sword please, Mr.
Smart.
Thank you.
What have you done to the king? Oh, he has been drugged.
What have you done with the scepter? It's in the embassy room as you requested.
Well, then there is no further need for me to keep you or King Charles alive any longer.
Otto, open the pit.
Smart.
And now I'm going to throw you and King Charles both into the pit where your likenesses will be preserved permanently in bronze.
Couldn't you just do our baby shoes? Otto, start mixing.
Wait a minute, Rupert.
The scepter is in the embassy room, but it's carefully hidden.
Otto, stop mixing.
Where is it hidden, Mr.
Smart? I refuse to say.
Otto, start mixing.
Hold it a second, Rupert.
I have a proposition to make.
Otto, stop mixing.
What's the proposition? You release the king, set us both free, we'll take the scepter and turn you over to the police.
What kind of proposition is that? Otto, start mixing.
Smart, you will go first.
A moment, Rupert, one last offer.
Have the scepter for a match.
I'll get it.
Well, good help is hard to find.
( laughs ) Why are you always running away, Mr.
Smart? Why don't you stand and fight? He who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day.
Sabatini.
( king groaning ) Oh, the king.
You want to release the king.
- You look pained, Rupert.
- You're standing on my foot.
( loud bang ) Mr.
Smart, I suspect we have company.
- Your friends, no doubt.
- No doubt.
Well, then I must bid you adieu.
Stand and fight! Ah, Mr.
Smart he who retreats from battle today, lives to continue the war tomorrow.
That is Kipling.
Your Majesty, are you all right? Yes, and I owe my life to Maxwell Smart.
Mr.
Smart, if there's anything I can do for you all you have to do is ask.
Well, there is one slight favor, Your Majesty.
Name it, my friend.
The next time you come to America, would you mind staying at a hotel? Would you? ( theme music playing )