In Living Color (1990) s04e21 Episode Script

- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - Let's take a trip and sip on a dream - Yeah - Glide with the guide on a funky scene - All right Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go - [Announcer.]
Say, nice legs.
- Thanks.
Some people were born with great legs.
.
.
others with great minds.
I wasn't born with either.
.
.
so I decided to work on my legs.
I used to do aerobics till I dropped.
Then I discovered "Thiegh" Master.
Every single time you squeeze the Thiegh Master.
.
.
it strengthens and tones just where you need it.
And if you do it for long enough, you start to feel all tingly.
But, best of all, when your workout's over.
.
.
Thiegh Master folds for convenient storage.
But here's where the fun really begins.
With your new in-shape thighs.
.
.
you can do things you never thought possible.
.
.
like.
.
.
recycling.
And for you health nuts out there.
.
.
your in-shape thighs are great for juicing.
So squeeze yourself into a happier, healthier you.
Honey, I'm home.
Thanks, Thiegh Master.
[Announcer.]
Order yours today.
.
.
and get Suzanne's Butt Busterabsolutely free.
Good evenin', inmates.
Because there have been no escape attempts lately.
.
.
I am prepared to reward you.
Now, we haven't had any entertainment here.
.
.
since we freed James Brown.
But tonight, we have for you.
.
.
the finest blues musician alive.
.
.
in our price range.
So please put your hands together.
.
.
and keep 'em where we can see 'em.
.
.
for Mr.
Calhoun Tubbs! - Let's hear it for him! Come on! - Thank you very much.
Thank you so much, Warden.
Thank you, fellas.
Thank you.
You know, it's great to be here in prison.
But that's 'cause I get to go home.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah, I got to say, in a way, I admire all y'all young mens.
.
.
for stickin' it out in here.
Matter of fact, I wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it go.
Y'all ain't had no sex in 15 years At least without no real woman Uh-huh Thank you very much.
Yo! Get your behind down here.
Old man, we got something for you.
I was just kiddin' with you.
You know, you know.
Let's try somethin' different.
Come on.
Everybody.
Wave your handcuffs in the air, ha Pretend that you just don't care - And, uh.
.
.
- You stink, old man.
Wait a minute.
You know what? I remember you.
I remember you from the headline.
As a matter of fact, I wrote a song about you.
Like to hear it? Here it go.
That inmate over there loved his fellow man On whole wheat and lettuce - [Vocalizing.]
- [Crowd Shouting.]
- I get a hold of you, I'm gonna make you a punk! - Thank you.
Wait now.
Wait now.
Uh-uh, ain't no need to get personal now.
'Cause I don't go 'round the shop room.
.
.
tellin' you how to make license plates, do I? It's okay.
You see.
.
.
what we have here.
.
.
is a failure to communicate.
Please continue, Mr.
Tibbs.
They call me Mr.
Tubbs.
Suit yourself.
Well, I guess some of y'all gonna be comin' out of jail pretty soon.
Yes, sir.
So, good luck in the outside world.
It's pretty tough findin' work out there.
Ain't wrote no song about that, but I think I could right now.
Like to hear it? Here it go.
Y'all be back in prison in no time flat Just like Todd Bridges - Uh-huh - [Booing.]
- Thank you very much.
- You dead when you get outta here, Calhoun! - You straight-up dead! - Lookee there.
Another standin' ovation.
Thank you so much.
Guard! Guard! All right, dirtbags, this is my final warnin'.
Settle down, or there'll be no showering with the lights off.
Look here.
It's about time for this old-timer to hit the road anyway.
You know, that's why I make my songs so short.
I got to be on my way to the next place to spread more love.
That's what Calhoun is all about.
Wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it go.
While you're locked up in cages I'm spankin' and spankin' your wives and daughters - [Inmates Shouting.]
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I got to go.
There will be a lockdown! Go back to your cells! Go back to your cells! Hey! Hey, give me that coat! Give it to me! [Announcer.]
You've enjoyed singers likeWhitney Houston and Madonna on the big screen.
And now Fox presents one ofthe greatest music legends of all time.
.
.
in his first dramatic role.
Honey, this is a.
44 magnum.
.
.
the most powerful handgun in the world.
.
.
so shut up.
Little Richard is.
.
.
Dirty Little Dick.
I know what you thinkin' too, huh? You thinkin', did I get off six shots or five? Honey, in all this excitement.
.
.
good golly, Miss Molly.
.
.
I kind of lost track myself.
Why don't you just get it over with and take me in? You're an eager little tutti frutti, ain't you? Well, shut up.
I'm the innovator and the motivator.
.
.
the originator of this stuff.
They all stole it from me.
Yes, they did.
Columbo, Serpico, Wonder Woman, Kojak.
- Christie Love? - Yes, and that heifer got my earrings.
Come on.
[Announcer.]
He played by his own rules,and he paid the price.
Dancing on top of a squad car? Playing piano at an autopsy? - Telling the police commissioner to shut up? - Shut up.
And now I've got the mayor breathing down my neck.
Lord, I get goose pimples just thinkin' about that one, honey.
And don't you realize you are supposed to be working plainclothes? These are my plain clothes.
You better shut up.
All right, that's it.
That is it! You're on suspension.
I want your badge, your gun and your bustier.
Ooh.
Well, make my day, honey.
Whoooo [Announcer.]
One more mistake,and Little Dick could wind up in the can.
This dynamite could blow at any minute.
Take my hand.
Look, don't let your mouth write a check your body can't cash.
Shut up.
[Together.]
One, two.
.
.
Whoo! Ooh, Lord, honey, I love the way you did that.
Did anyone ever tell you you look like Billy Preston? Whoooo Shut up.
Coming this fall from Fox.
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.
Dirty Little Dick.
[Hip-hop.]
[Intro.]
Hi.
And welcome to the Geraldo show.
I'm here with Jaleel White.
.
.
Urkel.
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.
from the hit TVshow,uh, Family Matters.
Jaleel is going to tell us a horrifying, behind-the-scenes tale.
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.
of what Hollywood does to black child actors.
That's right, Geraldo.
There's more to becoming a black child actor in Hollywood.
.
.
than just being one of MichaelJackson's hand puppets.
- Do tell.
- A lot of people don't know this.
.
.
but there are actual growth-stunting factories on Hollywood back lots.
They call 'em "midget mills.
" That's what they call 'em.
.
.
where they grow us and they groom us to be on sitcoms with white parents.
And they only do this to black actors? - How about Doogie Howser? - When's the last time you watched his show? Last I saw Doogie, he could double for Larry Bird.
Sweet kid.
After hearing Jaleel's compelling story, we decided to take our crew.
.
.
and visit one of these so-called "midget mills" ourselves.
Gary Coleman, Emmanuel Lewis and Rodney Allen Rippy.
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.
were all a product of this one mill.
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.
right here on the Fox lot in West Los Angeles.
It's right over here, Geraldo.
Folks, I'm pretty sure we're going to see something inside.
Okay, boys, break it down.
It's Emmy time.
One! Two! Three! [Geraldo Narrating.]
Once inside, the squalor we saw was stupefying.
Black child actors exploited.
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.
raised in boxes like veal.
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.
only fed their rudimentary mealsif they could successfully say the phrase.
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.
"What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?" - [Gasping.]
- Son, I'm Geraldo Rivera.
- Speak to me.
- What's up, Willis? Geraldo, give him some cheese or some oats or somethin'.
It's pitiful.
I'm gonna cry.
[Sniveling.]
- What's up, Willis? - Could the horrors inside be even more insidious? - What's up, Willis? - If I wasn't such a stud, I'd be afraid to go on.
[Child Actor.]
What you talkin' 'bout, Willis? - He's got me! He's got me! - [Shouting Continues.]
Hang in there! Hang in there! Keep it rolling! Keep it rolling! Hang in there! Hang in there! This is good television! Smile wider, damn it! You're about as cuteas Todd Bridges with a crack pipe.
- What you talkin' 'bout, Willis? - Louder! - What you talkin' 'bout, Willis? - Cuter, damn it! And make the Macaulay face.
Now! [Together.]
What you talkin' 'bout, Willis? - More! - What you talkin' 'bout, Willis? - More! - What you talkin' 'bout, Willis? [Geraldo Narrating.]
Then there wasperhaps the greatest horror of all.
[High-pitched Voice.]
Help me! Help me! What you talkin' 'bout, Willis? What you talkin' 'bout, Willis? Help me! Help me! Unbelievable.
An entire black child actor raised inside a bottle of You-Hoo.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am a lawyer, and this is not right.
Urkel, shall we set them free? But, Geraldo, they'll never be able to survive in the real world.
[Sniveling.]
I could just cry about this.
- [Sniveling Continues.]
- That's okay, son.
I could use the ratings.
So, join us tomorrow when my focus will be.
.
.
breaking down my female guests and making them cry.
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.
then groping them for my own twisted enjoyment.
We'll see you next time.
I'm Geraldo Rivera.
Good night.
[Urkel.]
Oh, God! It's.
.
.
Hey.
Hi.
.
.
[Groans.]
- What you talkin' 'bout? - It's okay.
It's only my nose.
- What you talkin' 'bout, Willis? - It's only my nose.
- Keep rolling! - What you talkin' 'bout? - What you talkin' 'bout, Willis? - Willis, what you talkin'about? Willis, what you talkin' 'bout? What you talkin' 'bout? Willis! [Chattering.]
What you talkin' 'bout? What you talkin' 'bout? - What you talkin' 'bout? - [Shouting.]
That's right, sir.
We stopped him again.
- What in the hell is goin' on here? - We just stopped Rodney King.
Let's get him out the car.
All right, King! Come on out! - I get the first crack at him this time.
- I'm gonna whup his ass.
- Come on! Get on out! - Hey.
[Audience Cheering.]
- [Cheering Continues.]
- Hey.
I mean.
.
.
I mean, what King? Dangerfield.
Wait a minute, man.
It's Rodney Dangerfield.
Yo, man, what the hell you doin' here? I just moved into the neighborhood.
What a neighborhood.
This morning, I saw a guy rotate his tires.
.
.
from my car to his.
Then they gave a guy a 21 -gun salute.
.
.
in his back.
What a neighborhood.
My apartment.
.
.
nothin' but robberies.
Every time I close a window, I hit somebody's hands.
This afternoon, there was a knock on my front door.
I figured I'd play it safe.
I opened the peephole.
A guy reached in and grabbed me, with both hands.
[Gunshots.]
- What the hell is goin' on? - It's that new gang.
.
.
the Pit Bulls.
- The Pit Bulls? We need to get outta here.
- Come on, Rodney.
Let's go.
What are you gonna do, put me in jail? No.
We gonna take you home to your wife.
Do me a favor, will you? Put me in jail.
No.
Come on, Rodney.
Let's go.
Come on.
Please! You never saw my wife.
I took her to a dog show.
She won.
Take it easy, will you? Come on, will you? My wife.
.
.
Take me away, will ya? And, man, she's fat too.
And I mean fat.
To have sex with her, you gotta slap her thigh and ride the wave in.
I mean fat.
Come on, Rodney.
Get in the car.
Get in the car.
I tell you, it's the story of my life.
No respect.
I don't get no respect at all.
Are you kiddin'? No respect at all.
- All right.
Come on, Rodney.
- Are you kiddin'? I called up AT&T.
They won't take me back.
Come on.
Let's go.
[Hip-hop.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]
Honey, thanks so much for helping us with our garage sale.
That's what neighbors are for.
I can't believe you're really gonna sell all this stuff.
There must be years and years of memories in each one of these things.
Oh, material things ain't important long as you got each other.
The flames may have died down.
.
.
but the embers is still smoulderin' red hot.
- And after all these years.
.
.
- [Together.]
We still together.
Well, good luck on your garage sale.
That woman touchin' me like she know me.
[Mutters.]
You know, Mrs.
Brooks.
.
.
Iookin' around at all this dusty, funk-stank things.
.
.
make me wonder why your drawers ain't up for sale.
Why, that's very perceptive of you, Mr.
Brooks.
But you should be the one to talk about stank.
The only reason your toenails are ingrown.
.
.
'cause they tryin' to get away from the funk.
Now, why don't you go over there and pick up that paintin' of my mama? Well, I wouldn't mind doin' that at all, Mrs.
Brooks.
Not at all, Mrs.
Brooks.
But let me ask you somethin'.
Now, why would anyone pay $25.
.
.
for a picture of your ugly-ass mama.
.
.
when they could rent her for 10 bucks an hour? [Grunts.]
Mrs.
Brooks, now, what's goin' on here? What, you tryin' to trim them damn dreadlocks in your nose hairs there? That's strange, Mr.
Brooks.
.
.
- you talkin' about a person's groomin' habits.
- Uh-huh? Why, your breath is so funky, when you smoke, you blow onion rings.
Oh, watch it.
Watch it.
Well, since you been kind enough to bring up my physical shortcomings, Mrs.
Brooks.
.
.
you got so much cellulite on your butt.
.
.
Iook like you done got spanked with a waffle iron.
Look here, Mrs.
Brooks.
Now, before we can price this mower.
.
.
I believe we should know how sharp the blade is.
Would you mind reachin' in and gettin' a feel for it? Why, sure, Mr.
Brooks.
Let me get on in here and see what's goin' on.
- [Engine Starts.]
- What.
.
.
Hey! Oh! Oh, sorry about that, Mrs.
Brooks.
I suppose the lawn mower got a mind of its own.
Well, at least it's got a mind, Mr.
Brooks.
Your I.
Q.
Is so low, the only way they could brainwash you is with an enema.
Oh, watch out.
Watch out.
Watch out now.
I wouldn't be the one to talk about smarts, Mrs.
Brooks.
Why, you so dumb, you thought Somalia and Zimbabwe.
.
.
were the name of them two ol' ugly grandchildren of yours.
Mr.
Brooks, you really aren't gonna sell this here recliner, are you? Oh, no, no, no.
No, no.
I love that chair now, Mrs.
Brooks.
Mm-hmm.
I can't tell you how many good naps I done had right here.
Well, Mr.
Brooks, why don't you have a seat? - Well, I believe l.
.
.
- And just turn that handle on the side to get your feet up.
Uh-huh.
Don't mind if I do.
Lord, have mer.
.
.
I believe it's stuck.
Well, I'll be damned.
Well, look here, Mrs.
Brooks.
It's my first camera.
Now, Mr.
Brooks, what do you need a camera for? The only film you've ever developed is on them little giblets you call teeth.
Watch it now, woman.
Look here, Mrs.
Brooks.
Why don't you stand right here.
.
.
and let me get a nice picture of you? - Why, sure, Mr.
Brooks.
- Uh-huh.
- Now just say "cheese.
" - Wait.
Wait.
Let me fix my makeup.
Ooh! You done done it now, Mr.
Brooks.
This may not be Texas.
.
.
- but prepare for the chainsaw massacre.
- Oh, yeah? - This may not be Friday the 13th.
.
.
- [Chainsaw Buzzing.]
But it's still gonna be your unlucky day.
- Now, woman, where you want it? - I don't know, Mr.
Brooks.
Since I been with you, I ain't never had it.
Look out.
Come on and get it.
I'm gonna slice you up and serve you like ugly on the half shell.
- [Buzzing.]
- Come on.
Oh, yeah, I got news for you, Mrs.
Brooks.
- I'm gonna dance on your grave.
- Oh! In that case, you better bury me at sea.
[Both Grunting.]
So, how's that garage sale goin'? Oh, my goodness.
In the driveway? [Together.]
We still together.
- All right, man.
This is Garrett Morris.
- And Chris Rock.
We never got a chance to say good night on Saturday Night Live, so.
.
.
And finally now we're gettin' the chance.
- We're gonna get our one and only break.
.
.
- Man, shut up.
Good night, everybody.
[Hip-hop.]