Last Man Standing s04e21 Episode Script

"Last Man Standing" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
All right.
Where'd that one go? If you look down, you'll see that you've missed it.
I want to kill everything that ever lived.
Welcome to the game of golf.
Come on.
Ohh.
I'll show you.
Chipping is a simple, little stroke.
You don't want to try to kill it.
It's just a little distance like this Right in there.
Oh.
Can you do that every time? Of course I can.
I'm the world's best golfer.
That's what it says on the mug you kids bought me.
Okay.
I got this.
Do I have to yell "fore"? That's only if you don't want to hit someone on a golf course.
Fore! Hey! Yeah, who's hitting golf balls out here?! Run! Go! Get in the house! Get in the house! All right, quiet, quiet.
Shop just called.
They have to keep Mandy's car till Wednesday.
Ah, the sidewalks of Denver are safe for a week.
As long as you don't do any more chipping.
So now you know when you see the "check engine" light, it doesn't mean check to see if you have an engine.
The engine was obviously still there.
There was smoke coming out of it.
I'm surprised there wasn't a white flag coming out of it.
Well, now how am I gonna get to school for the next few days? Well, you said you wanted to learn another language, so take the bus.
Really? The bus? That's right.
You can do your makeup.
You can text you know, just like when you drive.
Think of the bus as like a party van.
But for those people on the bus, the party is over.
Although there is another alternative.
I mean, don't you two go to the same school? - That's what I've been saying.
- Yeah.
I mean, why can't we just ride together? You could be carpool buddies.
I know, but you'd have to go in, like, so early, mom, and I couldn't ask you to do that.
Oh, I don't mind.
I'll just have a bagel wherever you and your friends hang out.
Yeah But we don't really hang out there anymore.
Hey, you could even coordinate outfits.
You two could be twinsies.
No, that would be silly.
We could sing show tunes in the car.
Get our "Les Mis" on, huh? It's gonna be a blast.
Mostly for me.
- Golf is the worst game ever.
- Oh.
How would you know? What you were doing out there was not playing golf.
I thought it was pretty good, Eve.
For for your first time, Eve, you weren't awful.
Yeah.
You can listen to Chuck.
He knows about an awful game of golf.
Speaking of which you lost the bet.
Now you got to wear the hat.
"Nobama"? You got to wear it next time we go golfing.
Okay.
It'll be the first time I play at your country club and actually feel welcome.
How did you get to be so good at golf, Brandon? Uh, by watching my father and doing the opposite.
You're a funny kid, Brandon.
Maybe a nice clown family will take you in.
Good game.
Uh, thank you.
Good game.
All right, the next time we play, dad, you're going down.
Is that a bet? Remember, I got a lot of embarrassing hats in there.
- There's our college gals.
- Hey.
Shouldn't you two be doing Jägerbombs and arguing over Iggy versus Nicki? Well, I am team Nicki all the way.
We had so much fun at school today.
Oh, my God.
Tell me about your whole day.
Don't leave anything out.
Well we got there in time to get coffee and ran into, um Everybody, mom everybody.
And then mom invited everybody to have lunch with us.
Oh, come on, Mandy.
You enjoyed it.
And you know what? I think your friends really like me.
Well, you were so handy, with your towelettes and all.
Those cafeteria tables are really filthy, but the salad bar is dope.
I have something for you, Eve.
It is pretty sick.
Yeah, mom picked up some new words I'll never be able to use again.
I think it's pretty dope.
Nothing dope about it, no.
Did you know that she has pictures of us as kids in the bathtub on her phone? Wow.
You know so much about her.
You must be getting really close.
Anyway, Eve, in biochem, I sit next to a very handsome young man.
Mm-hmm.
Well, it's nice that you're having fun in college, but you might want to draw the line at dating.
He's 16.
Then, by all means, go crazy.
Well, his name is Logan, and he is a science prodigy who is already taking college courses.
Anyway, I gave him your number.
Pardon me? Ooh-hoo! Oho! You found Eve a boyfriend? He sounds dope.
And here is Logan's number, just in case you want to call him.
Well, I don't need you setting me up with some nerd, mom.
I'm I'm good right now in the boy department, so That is where you find all your clothes.
Eve.
Honey, come on.
Take a chance.
Yolo.
Yeah, yolo.
Oh, maybe that's him.
Ooh, it says "unknown.
" He sounds mysterious.
Hello? Please hold for Eve Baxter.
Hello? Yeah, hi, Logan.
I hear you're friends with my mom.
Don't forget we're going to the Baxters' for a barbecue on Saturday.
I thought I'd make my bread pudding.
Mm-hmm.
Is that phone more interesting than me? Well, it has every piece of information, past or present, ever recorded by man.
Uh Bread pudding? I'm talking about the Baxters.
Mm-hmm.
Every time Vanessa sees me, she has to tell me about a new favorite person of color she likes Queen Latifah, Chris Rock, Tyler Perry.
Black people don't love Tyler Perry as much as that woman.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Where you been? - Out.
I gave you life.
At least give me two syllables.
Out Side? Tell your mother where you've been, son.
With a friend from the football team.
Oh.
Hope it wasn't Ray-Ray.
That boy's been knocked in the head a few too many times.
Yeah.
His eyes point in all different directions.
I always think he's talking to somebody behind me.
Well, I got a lot of homework, guys.
Uh, so who who were you with? I'm not supposed to say.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Well, now you know you have to, right? Okay, look, it was Eve Baxter.
We've been hanging out the last few days.
It's no big deal.
And don't you two have anything interesting in your own lives to talk about? Now we do.
Our son and Eve Baxter? What the hell? Okay, she's a nice girl and all.
Yeah.
I wonder if Mike knows about this.
I don't think so.
I didn't see a "For Sale" sign in their lawn.
Go faster! Go faster! What is he doing? Spinning around till he gets dizzy and falls over.
I can't believe you never taught him this.
What kind of a parent are you? That was fun.
Do it with me, aunt Mandy.
No, thank you.
Aunt Mandy's almost 21.
Soon, I can get dizzy and fall down like a grown-up.
Come on.
Keep going.
There you go.
Hey, need any help in here? Uh, no, I just need your dad to start the grill, if he and Eve ever get back from golf.
Oh.
They're probably at the windmill.
I always get stuck there.
Honey, if there are leftovers, I was thinking we could have a picnic on the quad Monday with all your friends.
Yeah? I'll bring my tennies in case we play hacky sack.
No.
This ends now.
Mom I don't want to hang out with you at school anymore.
Why not? Because you're my mom, and you're kind of a dork.
Look, when you were in college, did you want to hang out with your mom? No, but, I mean, she wasn't chill like me.
So I'm still allowed to drive you? Yeah, totally, but no contact if we see each other on campus, which works in your favor because, like, standing next to me just really piles the years onto you.
I hope that didn't come off as mean.
No, no.
I'm an embarrassing old dork.
Why would I want to add "overly sensitive" to that list? Uh, you need help with that, mom? No, but it is nice to know I have at least one daughter who isn't ashamed to be seen with me.
I'm not ashamed around the house.
Can't you ever just be nice to her? It's important with parents to set limits, or they'll never learn.
She actually tried to fix Eve up with a kid from school today.
What? Who? I don't know some random science nerd.
Oh, yikes.
Poor Eve.
Remember when mom tried to set me up with that doctor While he was delivering my baby? Hi, Vanessa.
Hey, Carol, Chuck.
I made bread pudding with pistachios.
Ooh! Thank you! Uh, you know, I've been meaning to ask you if you've seen that show "Cosmos.
" That Neil Degrasse Tyson ooh, he's wonderful.
You know, if they ever made a movie about him, you know who would be great in the part? Tyler Perry.
- He'd be amazing.
- Uh-huh.
Have you spoke to Eve lately? Oh, yeah.
I talk to her all the time.
Why? Hey.
Hey, mom.
Dad's home.
Oh.
Excuse me.
I have to go strangle my husband.
Mm.
I hope you understand.
Anybody who's ever met your husband understands.
I'm getting better, old man.
Next time we play golf, I'm gonna bury you.
Mm-hmm.
Maybe you can use one of those holes you dug with your putter.
Hey.
How was golf? It was great.
She found a lot of the balls she lost last week.
Mike, you have a grill to get ready.
All right.
And, Eve, would you get out there and talk to our guests? Oh, I can't, mom.
Logan is picking me up in, like, any minute.
Logan? I didn't know that worked out.
Who's Logan? Uh, he's a boy I introduced her to.
Yeah, we ended up talking for an hour the other night.
He's pretty cool once you get past the fact that he's growing pig embryos in his windowsill.
Well, what what he's like a science geek or just really into bacon? Honey, I knew you'd get along.
He's perfect for you.
Well well, you can't go see him now.
We're having a family barbecue.
Who am I gonna talk to? Uh, how about the rest of your family? Uh, not really my thing.
Sorry.
Blame mom.
She's the one who pimped me out.
W-w-wait.
What? Hey, what do you mean? Another boy? We just got rid of backwards-hat.
Honey, his name was Justin.
Why do we need to know these guys' names? When Kris marries yoga-pants, I'll learn his.
Where's Brandon today? Where did he say he was going? Out.
Yeah, he's out.
So I guess Eve will be disappointed that Brandon's not coming.
Why would Eve be disappointed? You haven't heard about Brandon and Eve? Not yet, but this sounds like something I should refill my wine glass for.
All I'm saying is I don't think she needs another boy in her life to start monopolizing her time.
Yeah, because you want to.
You like having your little buddy around to hit balls and shoot things.
Honey, you got to let it go.
You're the one interfering in Eve's life, stalking Mandy at school.
I warned you not to get attached to these kids when we brought them home from the hospital.
Uh, I was just talking to the Larabees.
They said that Eve and their son are dating.
Seriously? - Yeah.
- Wow.
That would be wonderful.
Honey, did you know anything about this? Well, let's find out what's really going on before we put the house up for sale.
Hey, you can't say that.
Look, we we don't want the Larabees to think for one moment that we have a problem with them dating.
Yeah.
I, uh, do have a problem with it.
Don't say that.
They're gonna think we're racist.
I'm not racist.
I hate everybody equally.
I'm a humanist.
Well, I think Brandon is a lovely, lovely young man, and I can't wait to talk to Carol.
Are you gonna tell her that you just set Eve up with another lovely, lovely young man? Oh, my God.
Logan.
That's right the little windowsill pig farmer, on his way here right now.
The Larabees are gonna think that you don't want Eve with Brandon.
We don't want her with Brandon.
No, stop! No! Uh, Eve, will you come down here? Look, g-go outside and see if the Larabees need anything.
Oh, yeah, sure.
It's not like I work at a restaurant and this is my one day off.
I'll put these on the grill.
This is why we shouldn't have barbecues, friends, or children! Mom, I'm getting ready.
Logan's gonna be here in any minute.
No, he can't.
You have to text him and stop him from coming.
Vanessa? Oh! Crap.
Why can't he come? Uh, just just do what I say! Go, go, go.
Okay.
- Did I hear Eve? - Uh, uh, no.
No, I don't think so.
Uh, well, maybe.
S-she has a room right upstairs.
Oh.
Well, I guess you've heard how close she and Brandon have become.
Of course.
You know, it's it's such good news.
Mike and I are we're honored.
Honored? We're we're talking about Brandon here.
I mean, he's a good kid and all, but, uh he's no Nelson Mandela.
Yeah.
He actually failed a report he did on Nelson Mandela.
Hey, um, I texted Logan and told him not to come.
Oh, thank God.
Okay.
Uh, you know, let's go outside and get a drink.
- Who's Logan? - Nobody.
Nobody? What's going on with you? He was sure somebody when you insisted I go out with him.
You fixed Eve up with a boy? No.
No, no.
Uh, well, yes.
Uh, it you know what? It's not something I normally do.
Unless your daughter has started dating our son.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Look, no, I would never stand in the way of Eve and your beautiful, beautiful son.
That grill is pipin' hot, and Boyd threw up on a Robin.
You know what that means? Spring is here.
So, should we tell Brandon that Eve has another boyfriend? Oh, good.
That came up.
Um, Logan isn't a boyfriend.
He's just a a friend who happens to be a boy.
Honey.
Honey.
Who you fixed Eve up with.
Honey Tell these guys the truth.
All right, Carol, look, I-I promise I-I had no idea about Eve and Brandon.
I-I would never discourage anything between our daughter and and your son.
Yeah, but I would.
Yeah, me too.
See? I'm with him.
Wait a minute.
You got something against Eve? Yes.
She's a distraction, and Brandon's got enough on his plate right now.
If anybody doesn't need a distraction right now, it would be Evie.
Unless the distraction's a white kid named Logan.
This has nothing to do with race.
I mean, who even said the kid was white? Vanessa, what shade is the boy? Um It's funny.
I-I-I couldn't tell you what race he is.
I mean, I-I-I don't see color anymore.
Well, you better be careful, 'cause these folks they're black.
Oh, well, I-I mean, I-I guess, if I had to say, he's a a mixed-race person of color.
"Logan" sure sounds like a white name to me.
Okay, here's Logan.
Sorry.
He missed my text.
'Sup, my brother? Everybody, this is Logan.
Logan, these are the Larabees.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Why is everyone staring at us? Hey, Logan.
Welcome.
I'm Eve's dad, Mike Baxter.
You know Vanessa probably remember her from school.
This is a very different one you'll see.
Uh, Eve, honey, the, uh the Larabees told us that you're dating Brandon.
And, uh, well, we we have no problem with that none at all.
We're just we're overjoyed.
That's what I'm talking about.
Maybe I should be going.
Um, wait a second.
I-I'm not dating Brandon.
He told us he's been spending every afternoon with you.
I asked him to keep that a secret.
What, so you are dating him? You know what this situation reminds me of? "Romeo and Juliet" boring and I don't care.
There's nothing going on between me and Brandon.
We meet at the driving range, and he's teaching me how to hit golf balls.
Honey, why would you keep that a secret? Because I didn't want dad to know I'm practicing.
I don't have anything against you practicing.
That's how you get better at stuff.
Your mom doesn't practice lying, and look how bad she is at it.
Oh, come on.
All right, dad, you don't want me to get better at golf You just expect me to be instantly awesome at everything football, soccer, shooting.
That is not true.
It is.
You don't realize it, but it's a lot of pressure being your son.
Let's go, Logan.
Nice to meet all of you.
I-I can't believe I was nervous to come over here.
He seems nice.
I'm not sure how I feel about my son going out with that boy.
Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.
How involved should we be in our kids' lives? Well, when they're babies, they're completely helpless, and you have to check in on them, you know, once, twice a day.
But as they get older, we need to turn them into people who can go out into the world on their own.
Now, in the old days, it happened sooner.
Your daughter would get married off to farmer brown at 13, which was okay because let's be honest her best years were behind her.
Plus, he probably had enough goats to make the deal.
Well, nowadays, it takes kids longer to become independent.
Now, why is that? I think it's because they try to pull away, and we hold on tighter.
Teenagers will give you subtle clues that they're ready to become independent telltale signs like, um, "I hate you!" And my favorite "I wish you were dead.
" My advice stay close to your kids, but when they're ready to go, let 'em go.
And if you have daughters, don't let them go for less than 12 goats each.
Who knew that I would like bread pudding? I make you bread pudding all the time.
Not like this.
Carol puts something in this that you don't have.
You mean like Soul? Pistachios.
- Soul? - I don't know.
Listen.
What happened today at teacher school? You flunk out of flunking people? No, no.
I ran into Mandy in the cafeteria.
And I know I'm supposed to leave her alone, but she'd obviously sat in some pie or something, and I Well, you probably had your towelettes with you.
Oh, no, no.
This was bigger than towelettes.
I tried to help her, but she didn't appreciate it.
An ungrateful child? That's a rare thing, huh? They say there's only 2 billion, 3 billion of them left.
Yeah.
Yeah, you hold on to your kids as long as you can, but then they grow up, and gosh, they just don't want your help anymore.
If it'll help, I'll become more of a burden.
Oh.
Mom, you saved my life.
Thank you so much.
That sounds pretty appreciative.
You know, maybe you're just a whiner.
Listen.
I know I was being a brat before.
I was just panicking.
You've been panicking for 20 years.
I had this big presentation, and right before, I totally ruined my pants, and mom bailed me out by giving me her skirt.
It's like I was telling my friends there are some times when you just need your mom.
Well, if you're wearing her skirt, what are you wearing? Oh.
A badge of honor.
These pants say I'm a mom.
Yeah, a mom that sat on a Smurf.
Hey, I'm headed out to the range.
Well, say "hello" to the deer and the antelope.
Yeah, well, if there are any deer and antelope out there, I'll probably hit them.
Hey, listen, Eve I-I didn't realize I was putting so much pressure on you to be good at golf.
Dad, I don't want to disappoint you.
Everything I do, I want you to be impressed with.
I'm always impressed with you.
My hierarchy goes like this Ronald Reagan, John Elway, Gordon Lightfoot, Eve.
But you're not impressed with my golf game.
Well, I picked golf because it's difficult.
It's something you and I can practice and have fun with for 30 years.
Like you're gonna be around for another 30 years.
Well, I'll have to be if I want to see you shoot par.
I'm always impressed with you, but it's not always about accomplishments.
I mean, I have just as much love for Mandy and the other one.
Thanks.
Thanks.
That means a lot.
Right.
The Rockies are playing after dinner.
We can watch some baseball.
Uh, actually, I can't.
Logan and I are going to the movies.
Going out with that young man again evidently, not trying that hard to impress me.
Okay.
Knees.
Out.
Eve, look, just forget everything I taught you.
Picture the ball as someone you hate hit 'em right between the eyes.
Okay.
Wow.
That worked.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Who was that poor guy? Gordon Lightfoot.
Whoever that is.
Um Look, I'm sorry about all that stuff with our parents.
Oh, no.
It's all good.
Uh, it's funny.
They actually thought we were dating.
Us as a couple? That's so crazy.
Crazy! Wait.
Why would that be crazy? I don't know.
I only said crazy 'cause you said crazy.
Okay, watch my follow-through.
Okay.
Whoa, nice shot.
Who was that? Logan.