Lexx s04e21 Episode Script

Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
This is incredible.
Argh! Kiss, mmh, kiss Bunny.
Kiss Bunny.
Kiss, kissy kiss, kissy kissy kissy kiss! Oh, Bunny.
Mr.
President.
Mr.
President! Yes? Time for business, OK? Now look - we saved your butt, so you are gonna fly us back to the Lexx so we can finally get far away from your stupid planet, right Kai? In Air Force One? In whatever! I don't think Air Force One goes into outer space.
We would be able to return to the Lexx on one of your space shuttles.
Oh, yes, yes, of course.
Well, I'll just check.
General Frootydude here.
Good evening general, this is the President.
- Having fun, Xev? - Not yet.
We don't seem to have any space shuttles available just at the moment.
Oh, great.
We've been kind of burning through them.
Well that's your problem, pal! Now look - we saved your butt, so you owe us.
And you are the President of this planet - so you make it happen.
- Make it happen? - Yes! Stan, why are you in such a hurry to leave? Do I have to answer that question? - You just don't know how to enjoy yourself.
- Make it happen ? Well, maybe I would Xev if this was a good planet, but this is a bad planet, this is a very very bad planet.
It's not all bad.
They say they can arrange a flight from um, from from er from Ellis air force base in California for the day after tomorrow.
Well, what are we supposed to do until then? I wanna party.
Well not me! I just wanna go someplace nice and quiet where nothing's gonna happen - like the middle of a desert.
- Oh! - What? You could go to Las Vegas.
What's Las Vegas? Well, it's in the middle of the desert, and you can party there.
It's like non-stop fun, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week - well, as long as you have money.
I wanna go to Las Vegas! No, thank you! Listen! You just drop us off beside your space shuttle, and we will just wait there inside until it's ready to go, OK? OK.
Stan, this might be our last chance to have any kind of fun on this planet before we leave it behind forever.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Oh - and there's lots of cute professional girls in Las Vegas.
- And boys? - Mmhmm, and they really like guys like you Stanley - as long as you have lots of money.
Well, we don't have any money.
You can have my ATF credit card.
It has a three million dollar limit.
May we go? Hey, hey.
Hey, I'm back.
It's me, look.
- Hey, did you miss me? - No.
Why not? 'Cause you're never gonna amount to nothing.
- Ah, just you wait.
- What? Just you wait to see what I brought back from Egypt.
Aces over eights.
Dead man's hand.
Remo, come here.
You know why they call aces over eight's dead man's hand? No.
Because the next time you do something stupid you're gonna be a dead man - even if you is my cousin.
You capice? - I was just thinking - What? - About the family.
- Oh, yeah? Yeah.
I mean, if a business is gonna survive, it's gotta adapt with the changing times.
- We gotta diversify.
- Diversify into what? The antiquities market.
Or particle physics.
That way we don't have to depend on all that other stuff.
Let me remind you.
We Tuttis are where we are because of three things - gambling, prostitution, extortion and drugs.
It's what the family was built on - OK? Not this anti-quatty-quiddy stuff and particle physics.
Starting today, you're gonna learn the business from the ground up, OK? From the bottom, Remo - you capice? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Now go away.
More drinks.
I'm a Cluster lizard, and Vegas looks so good.
Woo! Where are you from? I'm from B3K.
Is that in Canada? It's in the Light Zone.
And we want fun, and lots of it! What type of fun? We don't want any type of fun, we just want a quiet place to stay for a night, you know, maybe a place to stay with er - you know, girls that like guys like me.
- And boys! Girls who like guys like me.
Guys with lotsa lotsa money.
Oh, you gotta be going to King Tutt's.
What is King Tutt's? - It's like a palace.
- A palace, that sounds great.
A number one, all the way.
You know what? I got a little in with the owners.
We all like family down here.
I can get you a special rate.
Does this special rate include professional women? We in Las Vegas! Hey, you just ask for the special room service, yeah, - special.
- Yeah, special room That'll be fifty three hundred and fifty dollars.
You guys gonna have a good time tonight.
OK, special room service.
OK.
Hi.
Hi.
Welcome to the King Tutt, where the only curse is fun.
You guys here for the Vegas Con? Huh? Science fiction convention.
No.
But we still get the special rate, right? Yeah, it's four teen hundred dollars.
Fourteen hundred dollars for a room.
Oh, there's also a four hundred dollar room fee.
So where's all the fun? There's also a nine hundred dollar water tax - this is a desert after all, you know.
Excuse me - where is all the fun? I think we'll just go to the room, Xev.
Thank you.
Thank you for staying at the King Tutt.
Thank you.
Oo! See you later.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Where are you going? - I'm going out to look for some fun.
- No.
Nobody is going anywhere.
- What?! - We are staying right here! Why is that? Because Xev, on this planet we're a magnet for trouble.
So? So, nobody is going in and nobody is coming out until President Priest says the shuttle's ready.
That doesn't sound like fun.
Fun? They've got room service, OK? You can get anything you want.
Now in the meantime we're staying right here, out of sight until the shuttle is ready.
That's the plan and we're sticking to it.
Remo Tutti, who is not at his booth at the front desk - report to King's office now! Behold King Ramses slave girls of the Eighteenth dynasty.
Stick your numbers out sweetheart.
Just check the numbers folks.
The world famous King Tutt luxury hotel and casino once again invites you to select the slave girl of your choice.
All you gotta do is pick up your phone and demand room service - Egyptian style.
And don't forget the number of the slave girl who you might want, OK? Just check the number of the girl who makes your whip crack the best.
And as always, remember - it's first served, first come, ha, ha, ha! King Tutt has spoken.
Put the number (mumbling) 21.
I didn't know the Earth had love slaves.
I'm not sure they are slaves, in the conventional sense.
No, no, no, no, no, they're like the slaves in the Celes pleasure transport sense - which is just fine by Stanley H.
Tweedle.
- Hello? - Wha, wha Oh.
Hello? Yeah, I want to order room service - Egyptian style.
Er, er number 24 and, er number er number 88.
Yeah.
OK.
Oh, good.
OK.
Yup! All you have to do is phone, folks.
OK, cut, I'm gonna get a freaking hernia over here.
Remo - why ain't you at the front desk? I know King, I was What? - I was - What? I was just looking for something.
The only thing you should be looking for are undercover cops.
Now get back out there before I whack you into the middle of next week.
OK, King.
This guy ! Royal flush.
Read 'em and weep.
You, Stanley Tweedle, are an Egyptian love god.
Aw, you guys, you don't know how to have fun! You don't know how to take a situation, turn it around, make it work for you.
- What are we supposed to do? - What do you mean? Kai and myself? That's up to you guys.
When those girls get here? Hmm, oh, I don't know, you could, er join in.
- I think I prefer to have my own fun.
- Oh, suit yourself.
And in the other corner, our reigning champeen and (mumbling).
Is that a woman, or a man? - It is a woman.
- The Queen of Sheba! - She sure has a lot of muscles.
- Right now the Queen of Sheba is five to two, so if you wanna make a little cash just pick up your in-house phone and place your bets.
Yowsa, yowsa, yowsa! Get in the cage.
- What are they doing? - In the damn cage! I believe gamblers are betting on the outcome of the contest.
What was that for?! Hi.
What's your game, mister? I was a Divine Assassin.
Oo, I bet you like it straight, no talk.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, girls, girls, girls, you got it all wrong.
See, I'm the one who ordered room service - Stanley Tweedle.
I'm captain of the Lexx, the most powerful destructive force in the two universes.
Well that's great captain, but it's gonna cost you extra.
- Hmm? - We were told there was just one of you.
It costs extra for three.
Oh, no, no, no, there's just the one of me, just me.
See, Kai here is dead - from the neck down.
- Oh, I see.
- Yeah.
And Xev was just leaving.
Oh, I was? I thought you said Aw, Xev, come on - just go have yourself some fun, OK? Why? Just promise not to leave the hotel.
- Why? - Xev! Just promise, OK? - Thanks for your concern.
Bye! - Just - yeah.
- So, you in town for the Vegas Con? - No.
Kai, er I wonder, would you mind doing me a favour? What? Er would you mind checking out the place for a while? Check out, say, the hallways, see if they're all the same? Maybe some might be different.
Are you sure you do not want me here, to protect you? Oh, no.
I think if anybody's going to need protection, it's gonna be number 88 and number 24.
Am I right girls? OK, let's see it.
Oh, you wanna see it right away? OK.
No, business before pleasure.
Like, duh - what planet are you from? Ostral B, why? Oh, OK, no problem.
How do you like it mister? Oh, I like it any which way at all - just as long as you take your time, and do it fine - fine, fine, fine.
Stanley the stunner makes love like no other.
Oo, that's gotta smart.
The winner, and still reigning champeen of the fighters, King Tutt hotel - the Queen of Sheba! How's the wing honey? Put a little ice on it.
Get outta here and don't gimme any dirty looks.
For those of youse who put your money down on the Queen, simply drop by the cashier's desk to pick up your money.
For the others, who bet the other way, well hey - there's another bout coming right up shortly.
Yowsa, yow yowsa! I wanna try.
I wanna fight - her.
- What's your name, sweetheart? - Xev, Xev of B3K.
B3K? You know the rules? No.
Doesn't matter, there aren't any rules - no biting! No biting? Ah, it's just a guideline.
You ready? Guess so.
And now ladies and gentlemen, all the way from B3K, which is close to Cucamonga, we have our newest challenger - the one, the only - Xev! - King, who's the new talent? - So lets open the betting - How should I know? - eight to one for the Queen.
Just as long as the odds keep going north, - and she plays ball, right? - Yowsa, yowsa, yowsa.
Two pair.
Aces high.
The King wins again.
Hey, what the hell is this, a dance? Come on, do something.
Rattle the cage! OK, let's fight.
Yeah, novel idea, fight.
Drago.
Look, I'm just a little out of practice, OK? And you girls - you're really not making it happen for me.
- It happens to men your age.
- Yeah.
It's all right tiger.
We'll just be on our way then.
Nice meeting you.
No, no, no, don't go! - Why not? - Look, just because - captain Stan is having a little trouble getting the rocket off the launch pad, does not mean he's going to abort the mission.
It doesn't? No, it just means that you girls are going to have to work a little bit harder.
What did you have in mind, captain? Well, I think the old rocket may need a little special treatment, I'm sure you girls can deliver.
Don't miss the mummy brunch, in the pharaoh's dining room.
That's the mummy brunch.
So what are you gonna do for captain Stan, the stud man? Well, we want you to lie back and close your eyes.
Yeah, closing the eyes, the eyes are closed.
And wait.
Yes, wait for what? Wait for the tooth fairy.
Oh, yeah, the tooth fairy! What's a tooth fairy? - You don't know? - No.
Well, maybe you'll figure it out by the time the music ends.
Keep your eyes closed - tightly.
No peeking.
Oo, oh, oh, oh, ??? Have you had enough? Enough? Hey, you got a pin baby, you don't get more enough than that.
Did I win? You not only won - darling, you were great.
Lemme ask you a question - would you like a new outfit? Sure.
Come on into my office.
I think I got a little number that's gonna fit you just perfectly.
You got a wonderful future ahead of you sweetheart.
Mine's all used up.
Remo! What - what? Let me ask you something - can either of you bubble heads read? Yeah, we read good, Remo.
Oh, really? Well why don't you do me a favour and tell me what it says right there.
It says: Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms! Oh, you're smart.
Now, you ever hear of the ATF? - No.
- No.
The ATF is a government agency.
And that's, er, bad? Oh yes, that's bad.
It means that your boyfriend up there in the Ramses suite is a government agent.
Oh.
Oh.
So, it's back to working in the coffee shop for youse girls.
Bye bye.
There's an ATF agent actually in the hotel.
You're telling me that there's an ATF agent actually in the hotel? Yeah, I don't know how he got in the hotel, but he's a Federal agent for sure.
How sure? Well, he's got an ATF credit card.
So what do you want me to do to this Federal agent, this Stanley Tweedle? - I want you to man the reception desk.
- Oh, King.
-Capice? - Capice.
Frankie, Joey, I want you to whack this guy.
- I want you to whack him till he's dead.
- Consider it done.
Oh, yeah, come on.
Sink your teeth into my meat and tie.
Oh, I like the sound of that, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
Can I open my eyes now? OK, I won't, I won't, I won't! So what does a tooth fairy do? Oh, the nipples! Oh, yes, that's good, that's good.
Do me, do me, do me Wait! What the hell are you doing with the bathrobe? Come on, take it off, you modest all of a sudden? Hey, hey, snake head, rattle your cage.
Shut up! Ladies and gentlemen, for your gaming pleasure the King Tutt hotel is proud to present the queen of ancient Egypt Cleopatra! And for her challenger - fresh from a tour of duty on the bad side of Hades - the truly terrible Medusa! She reminds me of a singer from the Fifties, I forget her name - lovely woman though.
OK, folks, this is a straight-up pick 'em, folks.
You just dial the number on the screen and make yourself some dough.
Who do you like? Who do you like? As soon as this chick takes a dive we're gonna make a bundle.
Oh, yeah.
- This is fun! - Yeah, I can tell it's fun.
Take off the wig, will you sweetheart? Gimme the snakes over here.
You're going to Russia.
I hope you get a fur robe.
Cleopatra's next challenge, direct from Stalingrad, the totally fabulous Catreen the Great! Hey King, if Cleo wins again we're gonna go through the roof with the odds.
All we have to do is convince her to take a dive and we hit big time.
I love you.
Ciao.
Hello? - King, - (something Italian) it's Frankie and Joey.
What about Frankie and Joey? Someone they got whacked.
- They're dead.
- Was it this Tweedle? I don't know.
Let me handle it.
Let me whack Tweedle.
No.
Come on, give me a chance.
One chance to make you proud of me.
Forget it, Remo.
Joey was my cousin on my mother's side once removed.
And Frankie, he was Jimmy's brother-in-law's nephew.
It's family! I need this vendetta.
No.
We're gonna hire a professional.
Let me bring honour to the Tutti name.
Remo, you know this Tweedle character? You make sure he has a closed casket funeral.
Capice? Capice.
Hey, there's still time to get your bets down.
Yowsa, yowsa.
Cleopatra coming at ya.
Who's next? Hey, King, remember that guy, what the hell was his name? Grindypants, what? Or, Organ ? Organgrinder, yeah, that's it, Organgrinder, remember him? Yeah, he killed the other guy.
I think he's out of prison now.
See if he can make it here tonight, all right? Cleopatra's going bye bye.
Oh, baby, you were beautiful, beautiful.
- Who is it? - Er, flowers, sir.
Compliments of the management.
I hate flowers and I hate the management, so just go away.
- Who is it?! - Er, room service.
No way, pal - I already ordered room service once and it was less than satisfactory I can tell ya! Just go away, I got a good mind to complain.
Hello? Hello? Kai, where are you?! Oh, Grinder, Grinder, come over here.
Good to see you baby, glad you could make it.
You're looking buff.
Put the wig on and take her out of her misery, OK? You've seen Cleopatra whack the Queen of Sheba with ease.
Hey, she took out Medusa with one blow.
And Catherine the Great - what she last, five seconds with her? The question is now, can Cleopatra handle the recently paroled Alexander of Macedonia? Right now the smart money is on Cleo, and if you're smart you'll get your bets in right now.
(mumbling) How much money we got on Cleo? - Two million, baby.
- Oh, two million, we're gonna take a sea cruise! I'll let you oil my back, baby.
Let me talk to Louis - to Louis! Yeah, capice, capice to you, too.
Of course she's gonna take a dive, yeah, yeah, yeah, badda bing, badda boom, don't worry about it.
Cleo? Cleo, could you come over here for a minute please? Sure.
I wanna, I wanna talk to you just for a second, honey.
You know, you're doing great sweetheart, you really are, we made a bundle on you tonight.
But hey, nothing goes on forever, you know what I mean? You get me? Er no.
I mean, sometimes you gotta go down.
What do you mean, go down? I mean gotta lose.
I don't wanna lose, I like winning! You know, nobody wants to lose, but - you know, you gotta swallow your pride, you gotta take a dive, OK? Do you want me to lose, on purpose? In a nutshell, yeah.
- Why? - Why? Because freaking King Tutti said so, that's why.
I don't want to.
- Oh, yes you do.
- No, I don't.
- Oh, yes you do.
- No! Oh, yes you do, unless you wanna get whacked.
- What do you mean, whacked? - Whacked? I take a gun, I put a bullet in it, and put a hole in your freaking head.
- Now you capice? - I'll think about it.
Yeah, well, you better think quick, because nobody thinks good with a hole in the head.
Grrr.
What the hell is this? Come on, come on, rattle your cage! Hey, hey, watch yourself, come on, come on, come on.
Hi, tooth fairy! Tutti's gonna kill me! I told her take a dive, badda bing, badda boom, forget about it! Our new champeen - Cleopatra.
What is it with this broad? I'm sorry.
I tried to lose.
Oh, I want this bitch.
I want this bitch in the ground.
Hey! Hey, you! What are you, kitchen staff? Hey, I want you to do something for me.
There's this bitch downstairs.
I want you to whack her.
I want you to whack her for me.
Oh, you ain't family.
No, no, - no, no, no, no.
Oh, Kai! Boy, am I glad to see you.
Why? Why? Protection! There's a very tall very ugly somebody in this hotel and he is trying to kill everybody.
- A former somebody.
- What do you mean? I came across an empty coffin in this hotel.
It belongs to a philosopher-poet I assassinated 4000 years ago.
Heretics preserved his body and part of his brain in protective fluid that allows him for short periods to act as a sort of primitive killing machine.
Primitive? Hey, well, that sounds good.
That means you can just do your Divine Assassin brace thing on him, right? No.
- No? - He is unkillable.
Unkillable? What are we gonna do now? - We can wait.
- For what? For him to run out of fluid.
It is not long-lasting, and he must constantly replenish it.
This inscription is a warning against opening the coffin.
He must have been buried on this planet thousands of years ago for safekeeping by people who intended to return for him - but never did.
Quick Kai, that's Xev! Hey, what the hell are ya doing there, Tiny? That's not Tiny, Ignaz.
That's not the doorman.
This is a security camera, watch yourself, you're on camera.
That was a close one.
You got something on your teeth, right there.
Badda bing! Drago! I have killed mothers with their babies.
I have killed proud young warriors and revolutionaries.
- The coffin Xev, quick.
- Yes.
The fluid that keeps him going is in it.
I have killed the pedantic, the pseudo-intellectual and on one occasion, a very self-important philosopher-poet.
Running low on fuel, Drago? Do you not see the irony, Drago? Once you were a mindless philosopher-poet, now you are a mindless killer.
It is an irony that even you should appreciate.
Crying night, crying night.
The ears of a child.
A cockatoo? The thunder cracks.
Come on Xev, we gotta hide it.
I think he saw us.
Despair! Brutal whispers, weeping, weeping, weeping, weeping.
I hope I am doing justice to your work, Drago.
The bloated sun, a single grape, they silently mock our - Emp-ti-ness.
Ha, ha, his fluid finally ran out.
So, are you ready to go to the space shuttle now? Oh, yeah, right now.
That's too bad in a way.
I wanted to hear the rest of the poem.
Emptiness - er, a, b, c, d, e, f - femptiness, - gemptiness.
- Oh, let's just go! Brutal whispers, weeping, weeping.
The bloated sun, a single grape, that silently mocks our emptiness.
Hopefully no-one will find this for a very long time.
What if someone does? It's OK, Xev, it's a Type 13 planet.
It doesn't have much time anyway.
Emptiness, pemptiness, temptiness, exemptiness - found on The Memory Catacombs