Melissa & Joey s04e21 Episode Script

Mel, I knew we'd get all this straightened out.
In fact, I felt so sure that now was your time to run, I got you this.
A campaign mug! "For congress, Mel Burka.
" It's just a prototype.
When we officially announce, we'll spring for the company with the English-speaking proofreaders.
You know, holding this, I am starting to believe that Mel Burka could be in congress.
I wouldn't be doing all this fundraising if I didn't agree.
Hey, honey.
Hey, Hank.
Hey! Hank! I'm actually glad you're here, man, 'cause I sort of wanted to take this opportunity to kind of clear the air after what happened the last time we were together.
You know, when I was all hyped up and had that, um You know, the white powder under my nose.
Right.
The powdered sugar.
Exactly, yeah.
Why did you just wink? There was no wink necessary there.
I don't know why you just winked? Your story of recovery is very relatable to voters, which is vital during a campaign.
What did you tell him? Joe, the important thing is, is that now you are clean and sober.
Oh.
Excuse me.
Well So, just so I understand, you cleared everything up with Hank, and he still thinks I'm a coke addict? No.
A recovering coke addict.
We're all so proud of you.
Sync & Corrections by Darcade So, your campaign manager thinks I'm a drug addict, and I'm supposed to be okay with that? I am.
I'm not! All right? All I did was pound too many energy drinks and sniff a sugar-coated cannoli.
Who cares what Hank thinks? Honey, I care! I have a book out right now to several publishers on how to live a healthy life.
And there is no chapter in Longo life entitled, "how to get what you want by snorting cocaine.
" If those publishers think I'm a coke addict Ah, ah, ah! Recovering coke addict.
Ha.
That joke never gets funny.
Just got a pledge for a $10,000 donation to your campaign, Mel.
Wow, that's amazing! Who's the donor? Another former addict.
They're very generous.
Probably because they have a lot more money now that it's not going up their noses.
When we go public with Joe's story, just watch the dollars roll in.
Yeah.
About that.
Um Look, Hank, I am game for anything in this campaign, except using Joe's personal struggle.
We need to respect his privacy.
Mel, airing your dirty laundry really drums up sympathy.
You know what works.
Financial scandals, secret children Ooh! Joe, two for two! No.
Sorry.
Off limits.
All right.
But, listen, Mel, once you commit to running for office, it's open season.
And it's not just the press.
Regular people will come after you with a viciousness you didn't know regular people had.
You can't scare me, okay? I've been to basement sales on black Friday.
Once I took a belt buckle to the eye, but still walked out of there with two Prada purses.
Half off, baby! I'm just saying, the next few months could be pretty stomach-churning.
I am up for it.
I know you are.
But, I'm just worried the pressure might send Joe back to the coke.
You know what, Hank? I'm gonna be good, man.
I'm gonna be good.
Because every time I feel that temptation, all I need to do is look in my wife's eyes, and she sings to me.
You know that old song, "Erie canal"? I don't know what it is about that song, man, but every time I hear it, I don't crave the nose sugar anymore.
Hey, honey.
Honey, sing me the song.
No, I Hank doesn't want to hear that old song.
I need you to sing the song for my recovery.
As a coke addict.
I've got a mule, her name is Sal 15 years on the Erie canal There.
Done.
I need more, baby! I need more, baby! That dragon is still calling my name! Low bridge, everybody down low bridge 'cause we're coming to a town D.
C.
, that's the town we're coming to! Yeah it is! I so don't want to do coke right now! Sing out, honey! You are not gonna believe what happened.
My roommates kicked me out.
Why? No reason.
Just pure girl spite.
And, you know, I may not have paid rent.
For three months.
Three months? But, I thought your parents gave you money? Well, I kinda ran through it.
You know, I'm an artist, not a budgeter man.
Okay.
Well, you know, I hate to say this, but I think you're gonna have to ask your parents to let you move back in.
Lennox, please, I have my pride.
And I already asked.
See, they're renting out my room.
And you know what? They won't even look at my application, because they already know my credit sucks.
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
Whoa! That looks healthy.
Yeah.
You know the Navy's motto: A global force for good salads.
Permission to enter the kitchen, sir? You don't need to salute me since you outrank me.
Well, what's your rank? Cutest possible sailor? So, Hank just left.
Today was our first day of unofficial official campaigning.
That was unnecessarily confusing.
Congratulations, you sound like a congressperson already.
Remember how I co-sponsored that bill to get vegetables in all the school vending machines? Well, Hank loved that.
So, tomorrow I'm going to five elementary schools to talk to kids about healthy diets.
You are looking at the new face of vegetables.
You know, aunt Mel, before you become the new face of vegetables, you might wanna try one.
I've had plenty of vegetables, okay? Onions, celery, olives Have you ever had a vegetable that wasn't found in a bloody Mary? Kids are not gonna ask me that.
Here.
Try a Brussels sprout.
What does it taste like? Oh, honey, it's so good.
You're gonna love it.
It's like a yummy little green ball of pudding.
Okay, you better not be lying.
Ugh! I can never trust you again! There it is.
That's the face of vegetables.
Hey, guys, we're going to the movies.
Oh, and by the way, Zander has no place to live, so he's moving into my room.
Bye.
- Whoa! - Come back, come back, come back! Well, Zander's parents cut him off, so he's got no place to live.
No place.
Not even one place.
So, I invited him to move in with me.
It's temporary.
Rest of the semester.
Just till Zander figures out a more permanent living arrangement.
So, can I keep him? - Of course.
- No.
Come on, Mel, moving in together's a big step.
They just said it's temporary.
All right, you know what? Fine.
Fine.
But if you're going to be living here, under our roof, eating our food, there will be costs.
So, what are you saying? You want me to pay rent? Sounds reasonable to me.
Oh.
See, that's the thing, that's why I was kicked out of my last place.
'Cause I'm not a very good budgeter man.
You have any money at all? - Like, on me? - At all? Oh.
Yeah, no, sir.
Okay, well, if you can't pay rent, then you're gonna have to earn your keep by doing some chores.
Chores? What is he, 11? I live here and I don't even do chores.
Oh, we can fix that.
No, he should definitely do chores.
So, you know, I had to rearrange a few things.
But look, Zander's artist model and my hello kitty plushie.
I think they might hook up.
Yeah, I don't know.
There really doesn't seem like a lot of room in here for two people.
It's cozy.
Zander: Slow, slow.
- Okay, quick.
- My fingers are slipping.
- We'll go quick.
There we go.
- Yup, yup.
Aha! Whoo! Perfect.
Wow, your drafting table takes up a lot more room than I thought.
Oh, is that gonna be a problem? No.
Unless, you know, of course, someone wants to leave the room.
Like me.
Oh, yeah, you want to go, no problem.
- Yeah, you mind, guys? - Okay, so we'll just yup.
On the count of three, we're going starboard.
On three.
I don't know what that is.
Opposite of port.
- Steady.
- Okay, whoa.
I'm not in the Navy! I'm just okay.
Oh, God.
I'm just gonna head out the window.
Burgers.
Doughnuts.
Ice cream.
Kids, dietary temptation is on every corner, but there's good news.
It's getting easier to eat healthier.
Just minutes ago, I bought this broccoli fun pack from your school's vending machine.
Mmm.
Mmm-mmm! That Yeah.
That is the stuff.
Yello.
Hank, when you said campaigning will turn my stomach, I had no idea it was because of all the broccoli I would have to eat.
Did you swallow any of it? Tried not to.
Okay, listen, Mel, this healthy eating thing is going to be great for your image.
It's gonna be all over the news.
All you have to do is keep it up until we officially announce your candidacy at the end of the month.
Can you do that? Yeah.
That won't be a problem.
Have a good night, congresswoman.
Oh, I will.
Good, tasty, yummy, night.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I had the best day telling kids about vegetables.
You know, I ate a whole bunch of broccoli, and I barely gagged once.
I'm proud of you, sweetie.
I'm proud of you.
Listen, you know, Hank may have been right about all those crazies coming out of the woodwork.
What do you mean? Well, um, listen to this tweet.
"Loved seeing Mel Burke wolf down a greasy double piggy burger "after telling our kids what they can and can't eat.
"Hashtag hypocrite.
" You didn't do that, right? No! I can't believe people make up these total lies.
I know, there's a bunch of liars out there.
However, um, there's a picture of you appearing to walk into piggy burger.
Oh, yeah, um, I got an iced tea.
Apparently, the iced teas at piggy burger look remarkably like a triple bacon chili cheeseburger.
I had a hard day.
Besides, you know, there's lettuce all over it.
It was practically a salad.
Ugh.
Boy, I don't feel so good.
Maybe from all the salad? Well, you know what? Two can tweet at this game.
"Yo, Dennis Blakely.
"don't you have anything better to do with your life?" Okay, good.
So, he started it, you ended it, now it's over.
Look what he just wrote! "At least I'm not telling kids to eat healthy while I stuff my bitch face with burgers.
"Hashtag lying sack.
" All right, all right, honey.
Honey, this is your chance to take the high road.
"What did I ever do to you, you hateful little troll?" Apparently, the high road isn't as high as I thought it was.
Oof, maybe I shouldn't have had that second burger.
I mean, iced tea.
I had a hard day! Second burger? This is so nice, you know, just being here together, roomie.
Mm-hmm.
Could you maybe turn that down a little, roomie? Sure.
Did you turn it down? Oh, way down.
Like, two clicks.
Could you maybe do one more? Three clicks? You know, I'd prefer it be within the audible spectrum of human hearing.
I'm not a dog.
Well, maybe, you could wear headphones? Or, maybe, you could wear earplugs? Or, better idea, you could listen to music that doesn't suck.
You know, French retro pop is pretty in right now.
Oh, it's in? Well, now I like it.
Good! I'm so glad.
If you didn't notice, I was being sarcastic.
Well, it's hard to tell when everything you say is sarcastic.
Okay.
Well, let's test and see if you can tell when I'm being sarcastic.
I'm so glad you moved in.
I'm so glad to be here.
You sure this is okay? I mean, your room's kinda small.
You kidding? In the Navy, this room would sleep 38 guys.
Hey, um, do you mind if I listen to some music? Yeah, no problem.
I'm just playing games.
Not much else to do until I get my assignment orders.
Wow, look at the graphics on that game.
That's the most gorgeous war-torn battlefield I've ever seen.
You should see the way the light hits the zombies' brains when they explode.
It's pure poetry.
You wanna play? Oh, you know, video games aren't really my thing.
Oh, come on, sit.
Sit! Okay.
Um - Hit X to shoot.
- Okay.
You know, I really don't have, like, a killer instinct.
Look out, zombies! Die! Die! Die! - That was pretty awesome.
- Yeah, it was.
Hey, behind you! There are three more! Die! Die! Die! Oh.
Yeah, their brains do kind of just And my book got another rejection.
Oh, I'm sorry, Joe.
Oh, it's all right, honey.
I'm not worried.
Every no brings you closer to a yes.
You know who said that? I did.
Yup.
In my book.
That no one wants to publish.
Really? Every time Hank comes over here to work with you, you got to bring out a copy of the 12 steps? Well, I just Randomly chose a book to make it look like we read.
And we're sober.
Mel, we have a real problem.
Oh, yeah, hi, Joe.
Have you seen this? City councilperson Mel Burke apparently thinks everyone of below-average height is sub-human.
I was tweeting Mel Burke about her campaign, after all, I'm just a constituent interacting with the woman who claims she wants to represent me And she called me a little troll.
Why would you call him that? It's just an expression for jerks on the Internet! I can't believe he's making a big deal about this.
I don't want to make a big deal about it, but words hurt.
Okay, this isn't fatal.
We just need to get out in front of it right away.
With a public apology.
I don't know if I can accept his apology.
He called me a bitch.
No.
You're the one who's going to apologize.
Apologize for no reason? What am I, his husband? I just wanna say I'm sorry for everything you're going through.
Sure you wanna put that scoop in there? Yes.
No.
Good God, you're hard to read.
No, I'm just saying that, you know, Mel's having this Internet guy come over so she can apologize to him, and you're about to put fresh coffee in with yesterday's coffee You know, doesn't really sound like a good idea to me.
So, what you're saying is you want me to Scrub the pot? I love it when I don't have to ask.
And I love paying for my rent in chores and mind games.
Hello, aunt Mel.
Chore boy.
I'll just set this sponge down now.
I'm so sorry, was that too loud for your dainty little ears? Living together was supposed to be fun.
Ha! Whoever told you that? We couldn't even make it through one night, and now, he's best buds with his new roommate Ryder.
Okay, Lennox, when you're living with someone, you have to be willing to compromise.
Compromise? With Zander? Why? I already win all of our fights.
Okay, well, if you're not willing to compromise, you're just gonna have to wait him out.
And there's good news there.
Ryder's room is smaller than yours.
You put rats together in a tiny space, and eventually they will eat each other.
You just have to wait for them to have their first big fight, then Zander will come crawling back.
They're sleeping head-to-toe in the same bed like the grandparents in Willy Wonka.
And Zander's happy.
How dare he! I know.
Go.
It is so nice to meet you.
Yeah, whatever.
Can I offer you a pastry or some coffee? You're offering me coffee? A substance famous for stunting growth? Nice.
I'm just trying to be friendly.
Look, we're not pals.
I'm here for an on-air apology.
And it wouldn't hurt if you mentioned my dry-cleaning business.
Dennis' Low Cost Cleaners.
Oh, I get it.
The costs are low 'cause you're s Such a great businessman.
Ready, councilwoman? Uh, yeah.
Should I take off my heels because of the You'll be sitting.
Oh.
So much better.
Councilwoman Burke, by now, the greater Toledo area knows all about "trollgate.
" So, what do you have to say to Dennis Blakely? Mr.
Blakely, I just want to say thank you for coming over, and allowing me, in person, to tell you how deeply s How deeply I just want to say how deeply so She can't even say it, the damn heightist! I can do it.
I am so I am so sorry.
For calling me a troll, or ruining my pants? Dennis' Low Cost Cleaners.
I'll make short work of that stain.
Hon, here.
Look, babe you've been nauseous every day since Hank told you how stressful this campaign was gonna be, all right? You're having a classic psychosomatic reaction.
Oh, so you're saying I'm nuts? No, I'm saying that you're stressed out.
I mean, what other possible explanation could there be? Councilwoman, you might try some chamomile tea.
That helped me a lot when I was pregnant.
I suppose there could be one other explanation.
Ryder: Dude, this stuff is everywhere! Zander: It's not everywhere.
Ryder: It's in my controller! Zander: You said I could eat in here.
Ryder: Orange dust in the buttons.
It's like someone set off some kind of cheese puff bomb.
This is unacceptable, man.
Unacceptable! So, what are you saying? You wa You want me out? Over some stupid little fight? No way.
No.
This is a time to work on our conflict resolution.
In the Navy, they don't want 141 men sharing a nuclear submarine hating on each other.
So, times like this, they have us look for what they call, "commonality of interest.
" Zander: Okay, you mean, like, you and me figuring out how to share this space without getting on each other's nerves? Exactly.
See, I should have told you that this room is a "no food with orange dust" zone.
And I didn't realize the destructive power of cheesy orange dust.
So, from now on, I will eat my puffs in the kitchen, and I will thoroughly vacuum myself before stepping foot into your room.
Our room.
Buds? Buds.
Get in here.
So, this is what compromise is like in a relationship? Feels good, doesn't it? No.
It feels great.
Okay.
It's time.
Let's take a look.
Oh my God.
You're pregnant.
- You're pregnant.
- We're pregnant.
All of us are pregnant! Wait.
I just realized something.
I'm pregnant.
What did you think pregnant meant before? No, I'm pregnant, and I'm running for congress! What is this gonna mean for my campaign? Honey, look, don't worry about that.
Let's just enjoy this moment, okay? Oh, but it's just it's so much all at once.
- It'd be so much better if - Yo, yo, yo, yo! Do you feel better? No! I need wine! All right, coming right up, okay? In nine months.