NewsRadio (1995) s04e21 Episode Script

Okay, Beth is away on vacation this week, and we haven't got a temp in yet, so-- I'll do it.
What? I'll, uh-- I'll be the temp.
Matthew, you already have a full-time job here.
Oh, yeah, but that takes me, like, two hours.
No.
No.
And also, Nancy from Accounting and Renee from Ad Sales are both out with the flu, so it'd be nice if we sent a get-well card to each of them.
Matthew, would you like to be in charge of organizing that? No, I've got a pretty full plate.
Thank you.
Hold it.
If-- If they're out sick and Beth is on vacation, that means I'm the only woman in the office today.
For my money, you're the only woman in the office every day.
Oh, oh, Walt.
[ Chuckles .]
Check it out.
She's right.
All the chicks are gone.
[ Bill .]
Well, what do you know? Yeah! [ Belches .]
Bill, you know, some people find that disgusting.
Sure, women people.
But you said it yourself, there are no chicks in the office.
- I'm a chick.
- Yeah, but that's different.
- Why? - Because you're-- [ Both Belching .]
Lisa.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Chuckles .]
Ow! Gentlemen, just because the majority of women are out of the office today does not give us license to behave like animals.
And why not? Well, I just don't think it's a good idea to get too relaxed, - seeing as the girls will be back tomorrow.
- I'm one of the girls! - But you're different.
- No, Matthew, you're different.
Actually, he's kind of got a point though.
Why? Why am I different? I'm sorry, I swallowed too much air.
I was trying to burp.
Oh, here you go.
[ Belches .]
Okay.
I didn't know we've replaced the morning meeting with a belching contest.
- I'm sorry, Mr.
James.
- What if I had walked through that door with a client, huh? I'm sorry.
I know-- It's okay, Jimmy, there aren't any women in the office today.
[ Sighs .]
Cool.
Go get me a six-pack.
I am gonna show you gentlemen how this thing is done.
Where you going, dude? Prepare to be knocked on your ass.
Oh, damn, I'm already on my ass.
Why don't you try me later? You know I will.
Anyway, I understand you're looking for a voice-over person to do the new Crazy Eric's Electronics ads.
- Oh, we just hired Mark Davis.
- Mark Dav-who? Mark Davis.
The guy that does all the crazy voices.
[ Giddily .]
Might as well cancel him, 'cause guess who's feeling a little crazy today? - Who? - Me.
Oh, oh.
Well, I'm-- I'm sorry, but these, uh, these ads are supposed to be comedic, and so we need somebody who can do funny voices.
[ Irish Accent .]
Oh, so it's funny voices you're in the market for now, is it? Yeah, that's why we hired Mark Davis.
[ Gravelly Voice .]
Well, couldn't I have a shot at it? What? I said, couldn't I have a shot at it? No.
No, I'm sorry.
I mean, Bill, you're one of the best voice-over men in the business.
But let's just face facts.
You're not funny.
- I'm not? - No.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or anything, but did somebody recently tell you you were funny or something? No, but-- [ Imitating Charlton Heston .]
I've been told I'm quite a gifted mimic.
- By whom? - Never mind.
[ Rings .]
Hello.
Yes, this is Dave Nelson.
Okay, folks, come on.
Move on in.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Okay, squeeze in.
Squeeze in.
[ Dave Continues, Indistinct .]
Make room.
Why don't you go ahead and push all the way up to the desk there.
Don't worry.
He won't bite.
Yeah.
Okay, hold on a second.
Okay, get a good look, folks.
Matthew, what are you doing? This is Dave apithecus erectus.
One of the very few in captivity.
His diet consists of black coffee and sarcasm.
[ Laughing .]
Can you hold on just one second? Matthew, what are you doing? No, don't mind us, Dave.
Just go about your business.
Now this one's quite a character.
We're lucky enough to have caught him in the act of doing his job, which is-- What exactly do you do here again? Oh, dear Lord.
I'm sorry.
Can you-- Do you mind? I'm gonna have to call you back, all right? Just-- Matthew, what are you doing? Uh-oh, folks, looks like it's getting close to feeding time.
Why don't we head on out here, uh, 'cause the next stop is where all the magic takes place-- the broadcast room.
Booth.
Whatever.
Matthew, what are you doing? No, drop character, Dave.
Don't worry about it.
The tour's gone on.
Look, why don't you take five and get ready for the next tour to come back in? About 45 minutes.
But-- Okay, here I am.
Matthew, what the-- Mr.
James, do you have any idea why Matthew is-- Dave, check it out.
Did you know that WNYX is an officially designated New York City historical landmark? No, it isn't.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It entitles us to a whopping tax break, provided, of course, we, uh-- we offer regular educational tours at least five times a day.
Yeah.
Well, sir, how-- how could the station possibly be an historic landmark? Oh, well, that surprised me too, Dave, but apparently WNYX was founded in 1893, so-- No, sir, that's-- that's-- that's obviously supposed to be 1983.
No, no, no, no.
That's-- That's not what the paperwork says, Dave.
Well, it's a typo.
It-- Oh.
Well, I guess they didn't have very good typewriters back in the 1800s.
And the microphone, as we all know-- Oh, oh, listen to this.
was invented by a man by the name of Charles D.
Microphone.
- No, it wasn't.
- I'm afraid it was.
You're right.
I know I am.
Well, good for you.
Also-- - Uh, excuse me.
- Uh, yeah, question.
Why are the newspeople in this glass booth? Very good question.
Very good question.
Uh, radio stations tend to get a little dusty, so what we did is, we went ahead and put up some glass there, help keep the dust out.
Also, it helps keep their vocal pipes clean.
Yes, it does.
No, it doesn't.
It's for soundproofing.
Yeah, you wish.
This sucks.
No, it doesn't.
Actually, it kind of does.
Okay, um-- um-- Uh, just a minute, folks.
Wh-Why don't we head out into-- into the foyer.
Oh, geez.
Uh-- Yeah.
Joe? This isn't working out so well.
I'm telling you, with a few modifications, I could turn that elevator into a really awesome thrill ride.
No, not yet, not yet.
Oh, hey, Walt.
Any luck? No.
Not a single person asked to have their picture taken with Mikey the Microphone.
Oh, well, maybe they don't know you're supposed to be a microphone.
Where-- Where did we get this outfit, Joe? A buddy of mine works at adult video conventions.
I made a few minor alterations.
I'm a woman, right? Well, the last time I checked.
Granted, that was about three months ago, so actually-- Okay.
So why does a weird guy from Publicity feel that it's perfectly acceptable to spend half the day scratching himself in plain view of my desk? - Well, didn't I fire him? - No, not that one.
The other one.
- Oh.
- You know, and it's not just him.
It's everyone.
- I'm not one of the guys.
- Well, nobody's treating you like one of the guys.
Lisa, dude, check this out.
Sixteenth floor, third window in.
Let's go.
Let me look.
Let me look.
Oh, my Lord! Oh, God.
Dave, you're just as bad as the rest of them.
Oh, I'm-- Oh, I'm sorry.
That is rude.
You wanna have a look? No! I do not wanna look at some half-naked chick in the building across the street.
Excuse me, that's not what we were doing.
Yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry.
If I knew it was a poster of a half-naked chick-- It's one of them Baywatch chicks.
I wonder where he got that? I don't know.
But I'd sure like to party with that dude.
Time, Lisa.
Turn's up.
Hand 'em over.
Oh, I guess I got carried away, bro.
No big.
What do we got today, gentlemen? Baywatch poster on 16.
Well, hello there.
[ Imitating Bill Clinton .]
Whoa! Tell Madeleine Albright she's got competition.
Is something, uh-- something wrong with your throat, Bill? I was doing an impression.
What, Johnny Carson? No, Muhammad Ali? Or-- No.
Bill Clinton.
The president? Why? Joking around.
You know, being funny.
Hey, Uncle Jimmy, the tour group's getting a little restless.
- Oh, how'd, uh-- how'd the song and dance go there? - Oh, not so good.
Hey, maybe you forgot to turn yourself on.
People couldn't hear you.
[ Laughing .]
Am I right, fellas, or what? Maybe people couldn't hear you, Bill.
Next time try speaking into me.
[ All Laughing .]
The microphone.
All right.
Whoo! Here is our coffeemaker.
You will notice some bullet holes.
That's because this is the last coffeemaker that Bonnie and Clyde used before they died.
Don't touch.
Very hot.
Okay.
And over here we've got a box of doughnuts left over from the California Gold Rush of 1849.
Ho, dogie! Looks like I done struck it rich there.
Here, why don't you keep that, little feller? It's not real.
[ Clears Throat .]
Why, if it isn't Mr.
Jimmy James, the sheriff of this here station.
- Howdy, pardner.
- Howdy, Sheriff James.
Why does a radio station have a sheriff? Yeah, I remember when I had my first beer, you little snot.
Mr.
James, I hear Big Bad Bart's a-comin' up to the 14th floor.
Bad Bart? I ain't afeard of him.
But he's the quickest draw in these here territories.
Isn't that right, Deputy Dave? My name is not Deputy Dave.
- Well, if it isn't Sheriff James.
- Bad Bart! It ain't big enough for the two of us.
[ Man .]
Excuse me.
Is this the radio station where Howard Stern works? Actually, we're an all-news format.
Mostly A.
M.
All right, your varmint! Get a-ready to draw! [ Caps Blast .]
Oh! Whoa! Ow! You all right, dude? Caps go off okay? Oh, yeah, great.
Matthew, you okay? Yeah, I just-- I think somebody stepped on my mouth.
Come on.
Let's go get some more bullets.
Yeah, I'm all right.
Whose porno mag? Right here, dude.
- Mine.
- Pretty sure it's mine, dude.
Can I look at it when you're done with it? As soon as Lisa's done.
I'm done.
You sure? You got work to do.
I admire your discipline.
How come no one thinks I'm funny? How come no one thinks I'm female? We're misunderstood, I suppose.
[ Sighs .]
That's why guys like you and me gotta hang together.
I'm not a guy, Bill.
I'm a woman.
Prove it.
Ha-ha-ha.
See? Made you laugh.
Joe, put your shirt on.
Relax, dude, it's hot in here.
This is an office.
Hey, lighten up! Can't a guy relax a little? - Anybody need a cool one? - Right here, Jackson.
Lisa, tall frosty one? No, thanks.
I just came in here to tell you guys that I went down to the temp agency downstairs, - and I got a replacement for Beth.
- Ex-- [ Belches .]
cellent.
I'll be right back.
I'd like you guys to meet her.
- Okay, Cheryl, you wanna come inside and meet the others? - Great.
Okay, I have to warn you it's a little bit like a frat house in here.
Oh, that's all right.
I have brothers.
Guys, I'd like you to meet Cheryl.
A pleasure to make your acquaintance, Cheryl.
Good afternoon.
Walter.
A thousand thank yous for filling in on such short notice.
Oh, I don't mind at all.
The pleasure is ours.
Okay, fine.
Cheryl, why don't I show you where you're gonna be working.
Nice meeting you.
[ Belches .]
Lisa, that was quite rude.
- That was not me! - No harm done, Lisa.
It's a beautiful burp by a beautiful lady.
I get a little gassy at lunchtime sometimes.
- That wasn't me.
No.
- Well, it's okay.
The girls downstairs already warned me what a crazy bunch of guys you are up here.
- What do you mean "guys"? - I just-- I mean, do I look like a guy? Do I talk like a guy? Do I act like a guy? Have you ever met a guy named Lisa? Have you? I'm sorry, I just-- [ Sobbing .]
Women, huh? [ Imitating Buzzer .]
- Can I help you, Bill? - [ Honks .]
- And you have a horn because-- - [ Honks .]
Oh, well, that's very, very good for you there, Bill.
Oh, Lord.
Bill, you really don't have to do this to yourself.
It's okay.
I didn't actually pull out the tooth.
- It's a gag.
- I know.
And a desperate and pathetic one at that.
Oh, um, Bill, have you met Mark Davis? - Mark-- - Mark Davis, the man of a thousand crazy voices.
A thousand and one actually.
Oh, you have something right there.
I know.
It's called shoe polish.
No, Bill, he-- he knows.
He was just teasing you.
Oh, I didn't get that at all.
Sorry I'm late, guys.
Hey, hey, Mark.
Had a little trouble with the new WNYX souvenir shop.
A really bad batch of ye old-fashioned radio fudge? No, no, no.
It's the "I Met Joe Garrelli" refrigerator magnets.
They just-- They don't look like Joe.
- Oh, that's a tough break.
- Also, nobody seems to know who Joe Garrelli is, so-- His last name is Garrelli? Apparently.
So let's-- let's go ahead and do this.
Yeah, okay.
All right, ready? And go.
[ Imitating Several Voices .]
It's fantastic.
It's a-terrific.
It's the best cotton-pickin' thing ever.
What is it? It's the big back-to-summer sale at Crazy Eric's! Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo! Prices so low I can't say them on the radio.
I'm dying to save money there.
[ Imitating Darth Vader .]
Luke, I'm your father, and I'm going to Crazy Eric's.
- Amen! - Perfect.
Twenty-eight seconds, right on the nose.
Oh, ain't he the limit, Bill? Indeed.
I assume you have a funny version you're also going to do? - Bill, that was funny.
- Uh, of course.
But it wasn't "funny ha-ha.
" It was more "funny boo-hoo, that totally sucked.
" Easy there, Bill.
I think you owe our guest an apology.
I'm sorry you're not funny.
Come on outside.
Can-- Can I interject something here? - [ Bill .]
Please do.
- [ Honking .]
[ Both Laughing .]
Say, where'd you get the horn? That is great.
Come on.
Let's go do this.
[ Joe .]
Dude, it's time.
Yeah, just give me a minute.
All right, but hurry up.
All right.
All right.
Uh-- Time for what? Oh, uh, the guys are having a little get-together in the break room.
We were wondering if you'd like to join us.
Okay.
Join you for what? Is it the 1998 Belch-a-thon? Or-- Or maybe it's a symposium on crotch grabbing? Perhaps just a regular, old garden-variety circle-- No, no, no.
It's nothing like that.
Look, they specifically asked me to invite you, all right? Just please, you know, consider it an honor.
All right? Fine.
Okay.
They better all have their pants on.
Gentlemen, the guest of honor.
Oh, afternoon, milady.
- Earl Grey or chamomile, Lisa? - What is this? It's a tea party.
Perhaps you've heard of them? The petit fours are exquisite, Matthew.
Oh, actually, Walter tracked those down.
There's a charming little patisserie in the Village.
Oh, well, that's a very sweet gesture, you guys, but I'm afraid you've missed the point once again.
Pardon? I just wanna be treated like a woman, not a girl-- not a little girl with the tea parties and the bonbons and the-- - Flower arranging.
- Exactly.
So, thank you, but why don't you try again when you developed a concept of womanhood that's not based on Barbie's teatime playhouse.
Well, this is the last time we invite her to one of these.
I'm sor-- I'm sorry, guys.
You think she has any idea we do this every Wednesday? No, no.
That's probably 'cause every Wednesday we do it in the men's room to hide from the ladies.
- They wouldn't understand.
- They don't understand.
Hear! Hear! Hear! Hear! Pinkies, dude, pinkies.
Yeah.
Oh, I got it.
Okay, we'll have to make this quick, all right? I wanna make a personal request of everyone-- [ Man .]
Speak up! All right.
Uh, look, uh, somehow Bill has got it in his head that nobody thinks he's funny.
Excuse me? What? Who's Bill? He's a guy that works here.
Thanks, man.
That helps us a lot.
Would you be quiet? If you could all just laugh at Bill's jokes for the next couple of days, you know, just to make him feel better-- No way, dude.
If we do that, it's just gonna encourage him.
- No, it won't.
- Forget it, Dave.
Okay, Bill has to learn the hard way to just shut his stupid trap once in a while.
For the past four years, you've laughed at everything that's come out of the man's mouth.
I know, and I'm sick of it.
Always going off with his stupid comments that nobody gets.
Nobody even gets them.
And then he gets all offended if you don't practically fall off your chair laughing hysterically like some damned trained monkey.
Stupid man! I just-- Sometimes I just hate him so much.
But other than that, he's, like, the greatest guy on the face of the Earth, right? Other than that he's like a god or something.
The best of the best.
Oh, well, here-- here-- here he comes.
So, uh-- Well, I guess that's pretty much everything that-- Oh, hey, Bill.
You know what? Hey, Bill, why don't you tell them that joke you were telling me earlier.
You know, the one about the-- The one you didn't laugh at? That's the one, yeah.
You guys, you're gonna-- you're gonna love this.
Go on, go on.
Are you talking about that joke no one else laughed at either? [ All Chattering .]
Oh, pass! I wasn't really thinking so much of a joke per se as that impression you do.
No, I don't do impressions, Dave.
S-Sure, you do.
Hey, would you go to hell? Let me show you where it is.
Look, come on, Bill.
You know, your Kirk Douglas impression.
Remember? You did it at the Christmas party.
[ Imitating Droopy Dog .]
Remember? You did it at the Christmas party.
That sounds just like me.
No, don't you mean, "That sounds just like me"? [ All Laughing .]
Here.
You take-- take over.
Silence, employee, be seated.
[ All Laughing .]
That's funny.
We have a lot of work to attend to.
But first, these platform shoes are killing me.
Ah, there, that's much better.
[ All Laughing .]
Hey, let me tell you guys an incredibly boring story about growing up in Wisconsin.
Ouch.
Ouch.
You got me there, Bill.
[ All Laughing .]
Lisa dumped me, but I keep pretending I don't care.
Go figure.
[ All Laughing .]
Dave, where are you going? You're gonna miss my big tap-dancing finale.
[ All Laughing .]
Thank you, Dave.
Thank you.
My mom has a ball of string that's over two stories tall.