Raising Hope s04e21 Episode Script

My parents had a rule that if either one of them ever came into some unexpected cash, they bought the other one a gift.
And they'd been doing it a long time.
I put on one of Paw Paw's old coats and there was ten bucks in the pocket.
I paid extra for the guy behind the counter to solve it for you.
Everyone's gonna think I'm a genius.
They were drug-testing all the guys buying mulch.
Three different guys gave me ten bucks for my pee.
The war on drugs is really working.
Yes! Bubble wrap! Now I can do that neck cracking thing.
Ow.
Some guy gave me ten dollars just to drive his car across town and not look in the trunk.
Fixes everything.
I was at the mall and got paid 20 bucks to go into a room and decide what was going to be on NBC next season.
A banana hammock! This is great.
Now we have somewhere for the bananas to sleep so they won't feel judged by all the other fruit for their irregular shape.
When my mom got promoted at Knock Knock Knock, her raise was the biggest "found money" of her life.
Okay, Maw Maw.
Tell him what he's won! It's a pregnant donkey! No, Maw Maw.
It's a grill! It's not just any grill, Burt.
Haven't you seen the commercial where the pig's last wish is to be cooked in one of these? Pretty sure they pay the pigs to say that.
Besides, I'm in more of a soup mood.
Oh, okay.
I liked this job a lot better when I got to sleep with Bob Barker.
Whoo! Hello, post-sex ice cream sandwich.
I have earned you and you will be mine.
Whoa! Who are you? Who are you? Sabrina! There is a crazy lady in our house.
What? Eleanor? Sabrina.
You know this woman? Oh, this is my husband Jimmy.
Jimmy, this is Miss Eleanor.
She's Nana's old maid.
Well, not old maid.
But you're not really that young, and you didn't ever marry That's enough, dear.
I haven't seen you in forever.
What are you doing here? I was in the hospital getting my hips, knees and elbows replaced.
But now I am spry as a kangaroo and ready to get back working for your grandmother.
My grandmother? Her door was closed.
I assume she's sleeping off her breakfast cocktail? Oh, she's sleeping all right.
Very soundly.
Oh, my scones are done.
Come on.
Come on She doesn't know Nana's dead.
What should I do? Well, just say what you said to her her gardener, her butler and her jester: "Nana's dead we can't afford you now.
" But that wasn't her jester.
That was her violent, alcoholic dog walker.
She just put those little bells on his hat so she would know when he was coming.
But you're right.
There's nothing better than the truth.
Except for Eleanor's double chocolate triple berry nut scones.
And don't forget my handmade whipped cream.
Oh, mmm.
Mmm Eleanor there's something I have to tell you.
Nana's on vacation in Peru.
Say no more.
I understand completely.
Toot toot.
Well Burt why aren't you using the new grill? 'Cause I love this old one.
It has been seasoned.
Gives everything that great hickory chrome flavor.
Plus one lucky person's burger gets branded with the words: "Please return cart.
" Oh, forgot my matches.
Oh, my gosh the Burn Master Pro Series.
Their slogan used to be, "Lights so easy, a child could do it.
" I wonder why they changed that.
Yeah, why aren't we cooking on this baby? Half my day is spent chiseling boogers off shopping carts.
I don't really want to eat food cooked on one.
I know, it's weird.
I got a raise, so I bought Burt this fancy new grill, and he won't even touch it.
You bought it for him Well, that explains why we're eating booger burgers.
Yeah, Virginia.
A man's grill is his connection to his primal beginnings.
It's a true extension of his manhood.
He means it's like his wiener.
Exactly.
You basically just wheeled in a bigger, more powerful wiener and put it right in his backyard.
And if I know Burt, he's not the kind of guy who likes a big, powerful wiener shoved into his backyard.
That's ridiculous.
Burt does not think that way.
Hey, Burt, before you light that, are you sure you won't even try the new grill? Yeah.
I love this little guy.
It leans to the left and it takes a little longer to heat up than it used to, but once I get cooking, nobody's left unsatisfied.
Burt? What's this giant present? I bought it for you! Found money! Oh, man, this is amazing! Oh How much money did you find? $320, tucked away in a heater vent.
I thought Paw Paw must've put it in there, but when I asked Maw Maw about it, she said "Who's Paw Paw?" So I think we're good.
Burt, I put that money in there.
Wait a minute.
If you found money, you were supposed to buy me a gift.
Does that mean I get the chair? No, Burt I didn't find the money.
I got a raise and I've been hiding the cash 'cause I didn't want you to see it and feel bad.
Why would I feel bad? - Because I make more money than you? - I don't care about that.
Well, then why won't you use the fancy new grill I bought you? Because the shopping cart has years of seasoning caked right into it.
I love cooking on that thing.
You're not feeling demasculated? You kidding? I'm proud of you.
How much are you making anyway? Here's my last pay stub.
There's a comma in this.
We've never made comma money.
Are you upset? Upset? I'm retiring.
I'm out, baby! I'm not going to work today, tomorrow or ever.
I'm gonna call my boss and tell him to screw himself.
And since I'm my boss, I just did! So what's your plan for today? Oh, I got a lot of things I want to get to.
First thing, I want to watch that little bird come out of that clock.
That's not a cuckoo clock.
We'll see.
Are you sure you want to quit your job? Well, after expenses, I barely broke even anyway.
It's more of a hobby than a job.
And I always said, when my business made it big, you could quit being a maid and follow your passion.
Well, since you're the one who made it big You want to follow your passion.
- Heck, yeah.
- So, what is your passion? My passion is fashion.
Wait, no.
I just heard Tim Gunn say that.
I guess I don't have one.
Sabrina, we've got to tell Eleanor that we can't afford to pay her.
But, Jimmy, did you feel how soft those towels were in the bathroom? It was like drying your face with a kitten.
So, we'll rescue a kitten for you to rub your face on.
Eleanor? Oh.
Excuse me.
- Uh, we need to talk to you.
- Just let me give you your tea first.
Here's chamomile with one sugar for you, and for the master of the house, chilled grape soda.
Listen, Eleanor My God, this grape soda is good.
Oh, thank you.
I went all the way to the bad part of town for it.
That's nice.
And also, Nana's dead.
Yeah.
She's dead? Oh, my God, that's so sad.
Yeah.
Do I still get my money? What money? From the trust that Nana set up so that I could always work here? Wait a second.
So we don't have to pay you a dime, and you'll keep kitten-ing up our towels? That's correct.
Now, would you like a straw for your grape soda? I think it's what Nana would have wanted.
Yes.
With so much time on his hands, my dad made finding his passion a full-time job.
The Chinese are finally coming ashore, looking for the money we owe them.
So I can't have sex and I have to shave my head.
I'm sorry.
I thought I was going to be solving crimes with a germaphobic dude.
Oh, my God! That is amazing! I know, but while I was carving it, I felt nothing.
This isn't my passion, just something I'm incredibly good at.
What's for lunch? Guess I'm no good at this.
What? Burt, wake up.
What happened? I couldn't find my passion.
I tried all day, and nothing.
It feels like it shouldn't take you a long time to figure out your passion.
It took me a long time to figure out my passion.
Well, maybe you just need to keep looking.
But my wife told me to keep looking.
I mean, maybe you Shh.
I think the TV's trying to tell me something.
Turns out my passion was justice, justice, justice.
The only show shot entirely in Mullet Vision.
Mullet Natesville's answer to crime.
Oh, my God, that looks perfect for me! You want to be a bounty hunter? No, I meant growing a mullet and running in slow motion, but that's even better.
You really get me, Virginia.
I have found my passion.
Burt Chance: Bounty Hunter.
Are you going to be a bounty hunter, or fight the robbers from Home Alone? I have to be prepared for anything.
I've even got a baseball cap, princess hat, and a sombrero so I can blend in anywhere, or at least at a ballgame, a castle or Mexico.
Babe, this whole thing seems really dangerous.
Look, I got a list of Natesville's bail-skippers.
None of them are very dangerous.
This guy's got a bunch of outstanding parking tickets for one of those wimpy motorcycles with two wheels in the front.
Burt, fat guys with ponytails can be dangerous, too.
Virginia, I love you, but don't worry.
I promise to be safe.
And as soon as I've collared enough perps, I'm gonna buy a bulletproof vest.
And until then, I'll be protected by this fishing vest full of flasks and bibles.
Eleanor, can you keep down the dusting? We're trying to watch Hiking with the Stars.
Oh, I know.
I can hardly hear Paula Deen sucking the venom out of Coolio's leg.
My hair's never been cleaner since you came into my life, Eleanor.
Not hard to believe, sir.
Hey, Eleanor? Do you mind cotton-swabbing my ears? Sometimes I get excited, and I go too deep too fast.
Here you go.
Nate Henson? Burt Chance, bounty hunter.
You're coming with me, come here.
No, you big jerk, I'm Phil! Nate's my identical twin brother! Ah, please, nice try.
Even though you were arrested for shoplifting, the real crime's the murder of these innocent plants on this property.
Even the weeds are dead.
Phil, uh, what's going on, man? Nate? Nate Henson? Bail-skipping shoplifter? Aw, crap.
No hard feelings, Phil.
Now who's next after Nate Henson? Phil Henson.
Damn it.
Mabel Harrington.
Open up.
I've got a comically oversized check for you and some balloons.
What's going on? I'm I'm so confused.
Well, you weren't confused when you skipped bail on $5,000 worth of parking tickets.
Oh, dear.
There must be a misunderstanding.
I'm feeling a little faint.
Taste pepper spray, copper! Nice try.
That's just cinnamon breath spray.
Turns out cinnamon burns.
Good.
Burt Chance, bounty hunter.
Oh, I did not think this through.
Do you prefer a right or a left hang? My dentist is going to be so happy we got a maid.
You guys, I need your help.
Your father The hell is going on here? What does it look like? We're getting our teeth flossed.
We're maid people now.
As a member of the domestic service community, normally right now I'd be giving you a long talking-to about abusing your maid, but your father might be dead.
Eleanor, adjust my face to express shock.
Very good, sir.
Allow me.
Your father is following his dream to become a bounty hunter.
But I'm really worried because I've called him 37 times and he hasn't answered his phone, so I need you to help me get on the computer and do that thing where you find his phone.
No problem.
That's exactly how I rescued Jimmy when he got stuck in that parking garage in the mall.
I was chasing a balloon.
Virginia? Burt? What are you doing here? You haven't been answering your phone, and I've been worried sick.
I turned it off.
I can't get the jump on a skip with my cell phone on blast man.
I'll admit it.
It's pretty damn sexy when you talk like a bounty hunter, but it's too stressful for me to have you out here on the streets.
I want you to come home.
This is my passion.
Hunting bounties is what I was put on Earth to do.
Asking me to stop is like asking Fleetwood Mac to stop thinking about tomorrow.
He'll never do it.
Okay.
When you put it like that, I can't ask you to stop, but I can't sit at home worrying about you either.
So if this really is your passion, we should do it together.
Well, I really could use a partner.
Damn it.
I should have built a bigger box.
So who we staking out? It's my biggest payday yet.
The Big Kahuna.
Really? What's his name? The Big Kahuna.
Would you two amateurs shut up? You're gonna spook the skip.
Shh! Mullet! I've seen all your shows.
I'm a huge fan.
Let me guess.
Burt Chance? How'd you know who I am? I've been hearing about you all day.
I can't have you moving in on my territory.
I got a mortgage, I got two kids in private school, a woman who wants new countertops.
You got to quit it, brother.
No way.
This is my destiny, man.
Yeah, so step off, Achy Breaky.
Mullet don't care about no destiny.
This skip is mine.
You understand? We got a runner! Run, Burt! Run! Hey! This plant's a wandering Jew! I'm pretty sure that makes this a hate crime! What's going on? It's a long story.
Oh, Dowager Countess.
You are salacious.
Thank you, Master Bates.
Why, what in heaven's name? Sorry, buddy! Oh! Sweet hair! Thanks, dude! Big fan! Crap! Look out! Turkey! Barney, stop him! I'd love to, but I've been working on this pyramid of paper towels for over six hours.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ah.
Come on.
We've got quite a spillage of tea in the break room, Barnard.
Cleanup in Aisle 1.
Jimmy, why are you folding the laundry when we have somebody to do that for us now? I was thinking about what my mom said about abusing our maid, and I think our behavior is starting to rub off on Hop.
Look, your mom is just jealous because Eleanor is a house maid and your mom's just a regular maid for hire.
Mmm.
There.
No crust, dummy! Oh, no! Oh, my God, we got to get rid of her.
Eleanor, not Hope, right? Well, thanks to you, we lost him.
Me? I'm the professional.
You amateurs cornered a dangerous criminal in a public space.
I wouldn't call him dangerous.
He's a graffiti artist.
"Artist" is a loose term.
He draws penises on stop signs.
Come on down, Kahuna.
You're not gonna get away.
Never! And if you try to climb this tree, I'll paint a penis on it with indelible marker! Well, I hope that marker's fireproof 'cause I got a flamethrower in my truck with this stupid tree's name on it! Stupid tree? This is the oldest Eldanica pine in Natesville.
- Who cares? - I do.
I watched this tree grow up my whole life.
I'm not gonna let you hurt it.
I don't give a crap about some stupid tree.
I'm all about the bounty.
That's who I am.
Who are you, some sort of tree humper? I believe the phrase is "tree hugger.
" And if caring about a tree more than some stupid bounty makes me one, then maybe I am.
Come here, big guy! Burt I don't think you wanted to retire as much as you thought you did.
I think you're right.
Landscaping is my passion.
Just like my passion, drawing ding-dongs on stuff.
Mullet you'll burn down this tree over my dead body.
I wasn't really gonna burn the tree.
I just needed something big before the commercial break.
Well, how you gonna get him down? Tase time.
Eleanor, we need to talk to you.
I know my nana promised you a job for life here, and and it's really just that we don't want Hope to grow up in a house where somebody does everything for her.
I'm really sorry, but I think we're gonna have to let you go.
So you're firing me? That's a strong word.
Uh, really, we're just giving you an opportunity Oh, thank God.
I thought the only way I was gonna get out of this was if your cute family died in an unfortunate accident or if someone was dropping tiny drops of of arsenic into your scones! You didn't.
But of course not, but everyone daydreams.
Well, you'll have to forward my mail to Jamaica! I'll be getting my groove back! Yay! She took that better than I thought.
You smell that, Virginia? You really love that old grill, don't you? I do.
Each burger's infused with the memory smell of 100 burgers before it.
Labor Day 2001.
And you're sure you're not upset that I make more than you? Of course not.
I love what I do and I love watching you succeed.
Mom makes more than you? It's not that big of a deal.
I make more than you do and you don't care.
What? You make more than me? She makes more than me? So, um, uh, h how 'bout that grill, Burt? U uh, if you're not using it, I'll take it off your hands.
Oh, of course.
The guy who owns a bed and a sofa.
Now you get a free grill.
- The rich get richer.
- Sorry, guys.
We're still using this one.
Makes the perfect herb garden.
Thanks, buddy.
Shirts and pants.