Spin City s04e21 Episode Script
Don't Get on the Bus
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
That's my doughnut.
I don't see your name on it.
Look on the bottom.
Well, there you go.
Hey! And next time, get it notarized.
Hey.
Hey.
Caitlin.
Hey, Carter Check out Caitlin's outfit.
Mike That's very gay of you.
No, Carter, that's the same thing she was wearing when she left work last night.
Someone didn't spend the night at home.
Look at her.
She's doing the walk of shame.
Watch me make her uncomfortable.
Oh, Caitlin.
Did you have a good time last night? Well, if you must know, I had a very nice date with Trevor.
Just what was it that made it so Very nice? Well, we cooked dinner.
I'll bet you cooked.
And we watched a movie.
Watchin' movies.
Mike, what is your point? Well, Caitlin, I, uh, couldn't help but notice that you are wearing the exact same outfit that you were wearing when you left work last night.
That's because I stayed over, and we had sex.
I'll bet you what? It was unbelievable.
I was screaming so loud I set off a car alarm.
Uncomfortable? Very.
Finally, the mayor stopped in to say goodbye.
As you all know, we're leaving on his campaign bus tomorrow for a 3-day listening tour upstate.
Okay! Well, I'll see you all in three days.
Oh, I'm sorry, Paul.
This is yours.
By the way, the mayor's new campaign bus still needs a name.
How about Larry? I got it Titanic.
Mike, recent polls show that the mayor's most admired quality is his trustworthiness, so why don't we call it the trust bus? Well Those are three very good suggestions.
I only wish we had three buses so we could name them all the trust bus.
Thank you, Carter.
Meeting adjourned.
Did you see that? He always listens to Carter.
Why? What does Carter have that we don't have? He's smart, articulate, creative, dedicated, informed, hardworking.
No.
Facial hair.
People with facial hair seem smarter.
Really? Yeah, think about it Abe Lincoln, Albert Einstein, Burt Reynolds.
And my aunt Sally.
She's smart as a whip.
Starting right now, we're both gonna grow a mustache.
Yes! I'll check with you later.
Excuse me.
Can I borrow your stapler? Sure.
Thanks.
What am I, invisible? What are you talking about? I was just totally sending that guy a vibe.
What, the "I have office supplies" vibe? What else am I supposed to do? I wasn't raised to ask men out.
Hey, neither was I.
This is so unfair.
Do you realize men have all the power? You got to be more aggressive.
You got to be more like a guy.
Dare I say, you should be more like Stuart.
Can't I be more like a different guy? Say what you want about him, but that guy hasn't slept alone since his bed was a tiny racecar.
All right, Stuart, I can't believe I'm asking you this, but how do you get women to go out with you? If I'm interested in the woman, I don't hesitate.
I tell her how I feel, and I ask her out.
All right, makes sense.
What if she says no? I just pull up my pants and go back to work.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Oh, Mike.
Just looking for Caitlin.
We're supposed to go out for Well, let's just call it "lunch.
" I'm sorry.
Caitlin went home sick.
Apparently, she was exposed to something nasty last night.
Trevor! Ready to go, dear? Let me just get my stuff.
I'll meet you outside.
I can't leave without a kiss.
I just don't understand it.
Why are you wasting your time with this guy? Mike, I just checked the guestlist to my business, and you're not on it.
All I'm saying is this it's not like you're gonna marry him again, so what are you getting out of it? Look, if you must know oh, my God.
I was gonna say he's very caring, but if you must know [GASPS.]
There he is.
Remember confident, direct.
Be a guy.
Hey, there.
So I've been watching you lately, and frankly I like what I see.
What do you say you and I go grab some dinner, maybe head back to your place for a few drinks? Sounds great.
Why don't you give me your number? I'll give you a call.
All right ed.
You got yourself a date.
[TONGUE CLICKS.]
How'd it go? I got the digits.
James, what are you doing? Growing a mustache.
It's taking forever.
How long have you been trying? Four hours.
James, no one grows a mustache that fast.
Where's your mustache? How did you grow one already? Oh, I just skipped my 10:15 and 12:30 shaves.
Excuse me, Paul Now you'll see some big-time respect.
Yes? Can I ask you a question? Oh! You seek my counsel.
What time is your next press conference? Thanks.
Wow! Look at this thing.
Why does my maid complain about taking the bus? It's great! Well, sir, the average city bus doesn't have a luxury bathroom.
Not that that stops anyone.
This is exciting, sir.
We got three days to talk, see the state, get to know each other better.
I'm really excited.
Me too, Carter.
Wake me when we get to Albany.
So, Mike, you want to go over the mayor's schedule? Yeah, sure, Carter.
Day one Caitlin sees me reading Jane Austen, is impressed by my feminine side.
Day two she sees me coming out of the shower and is impressed by my masculine side.
Ho! Day three I'm giving my statement in a small sheriff's office in poughkeepsie.
Hey, Mike, you all packed? Yeah.
I'm just catching up on a little reading.
I should probably get going.
[HORN HONKS LOUDLY.]
Horn check.
Someone wants to get around.
Trevor, you want to give me a hand parking this thing? Yeah.
I miss you already.
Ohh! Door check.
Mike, would you please try to get along with Trevor? I just don't get what you see in this guy.
Look at him fanning himself like he's blanche du bois.
Mike, he's guiding you in.
You know, like it or not, you're gonna have to get used to him.
Why? He asked me to marry him again.
What did you say? Mike, look out! [HORN HONKS.]
[THUD.]
Are we there? Sir, I just spoke to Caitlin.
Is Trevor gonna be okay? Oh, yeah, he's fine.
A few nicks and bruises, nothing serious.
By the way, do you have o-positive blood? So Can we get back on the road again? That's the thing.
We have to delay the bus trip until tomorrow.
Oh, I can't wait.
I never thought I'd miss it, but it gets underneath your skin.
The wind through your hair.
[SNIFFS.]
The smell of the countryside.
Your dreams as big as the open road ahead of you.
Sir, we drove 10 feet.
Yes, my intelligent, distinguished, and well-respected colleague in the front.
Thank you, Paul.
Excuse me I just have a, uh a brief announcement to make.
We're postponing the mayor's bus tour until tomorrow because of a broken headlight.
We heard the bus actually hit somebody.
Yeah, whose leg went through the headlight.
Stay with me, people.
Mike, doesn't it undercut the message of the trust bus when it starts running over innocent new yorkers? I'll have you know that the accident was caused by the pedestrian.
You can prove that? Yes, he'll be releasing a statement in which he completely absolves the Winston campaign.
When? Uh You don't need a statement.
There is no story here.
Are you trying the jedi mind trick on us? [SINGSONG VOICE.]
Nikki, you're late.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
What's up? [SIGHS CONTENTEDLY.]
I got some last night.
Nice! Did you stay over? No.
Nice! So, give me the details.
We go back to his place after dinner.
I light some candles, put on some Sinatra.
Guys are such suckers for that.
Next thing you know, he wants to play scrabble.
I'm like, "all right, I'll go with it.
" My first word horny.
Double word score, 70 points.
Before he knows what hits him, I've got my bra off, we're in his bedroom, and his box spring is doin' a rendition of "purple haze.
" [LAUGHING.]
Wow.
So did you you know? Three times.
What about him? Who cares? There he is.
I brought you a balloon.
"It's a boy"?! Yeah, well, they were all out of "sorry I hit you with a bus.
" Thanks, Mike.
I got 14 broken bones, but this balloon makes it all better! You know, you're never gonna heal with that attitude, which is why I think we should get some closure in a very real And legally binding way.
Mike, what are you doing? Come to finish him off? No, I just came by to tell Trevor how sorry I am.
It just kills me to see him like this.
So, how's my brave little boy? Aw, I'm hanging in there.
I brought you your favorite lunch.
Aah! Crab cakes from the Pierre.
You dear, sweet thing.
But, you know, I'm just in too much pain to eat.
Oh, you poor dear.
You know what? You need more painkillers.
I'll go get the nurse.
Thank you My future bride.
[MOCKINGLY.]
Thank you, my future bride.
I'm in too much pain to eat.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
I barely hit you with that bus.
You're just faking it to get sympathy.
I am not! Then why doesn't this hurt? Ow! Morning.
Hello, janelle.
Notice anything different about me? Yeah.
You really need to trim that nose hair.
Actually, it's a mustache, and I think it's time you started showing me a little more respect.
Or what, you'll tie me to a rail road track? PAUL: Hey, James! Nice mustache! Thanks, Paul, but I've got a confession.
It's fake.
Yes, but the respect you're gonna get is real.
Hey, Carter What do you think? I think you look like an idiot from the '70s.
What about me? I think you look like an idiot from the 1870s.
Guys, I need three people to round out my think tank for the new mass-transit project.
Carter Carter, let's go.
Damn! He knew it was fake.
What else does Carter have that we don't have? He shaves his head.
That he does.
There he is.
Feeling okay? Painkillers kicking in? Mommy? Yeah, that's right.
Listen, mommy needs you to sign something.
Mike, what are you doing? Uh, my rounds.
"I apologize for leaping recklessly "into the path of the bus being carefully driven by political genius Mike Flaherty"? I don't believe you! It wasn't enough that you ran him over with a bus?! You were there! It was an accident! Ugh! My fiancé is lying there in agony, and all you can think about is your petty work problems? You are the coldest, most heartless person I have ever met.
Cold and heartless? This only happened because I care so much about you.
What? When you said you were gonna marry this guy, I-I-I just forgot everything, because I can't stand the thought of you spending the rest of your life with anybody but Me.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmmmm.
Mm.
Mm.
Mmmm! Wait, wait, wait.
I can't do this.
I can see my fiancé lying right there.
Right.
Mm.
Mm.
Mmm! Uuugghhh! Mm.
Mmmm.
Mmm.
What's going on here? It's okay.
I'm his fiancée.
And I'm the guy who ran him over.
Nikki, I didn't get a chance to say goodbye last night.
You left pretty quickly.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry about that.
I, uh, had an early meeting.
Oh.
You, uh, free for lunch? Got a meeting.
How about dinner? Meeting.
I get the feeling you're trying to blow me off.
Oh, no.
Hey, look, listen.
No, ed.
I think you're great.
I really do.
It's just that, you know, I'm looking to have some fun right now, kind of play the field.
If you can live with that, great.
Maybe we can still hang out.
But if not, I think we better just say goodbye.
Um I'm sorry you feel that way.
Oh, Nikki, I'm impressed.
I couldn't have done it better myself.
What's the matter? I really liked him! God, I feel So bad for Trevor.
I mean Look at him Lying there in pain.
He has no idea his entire world is gonna come crashing down on him.
Yeah.
Poor bastard.
Let's tell him.
No.
Not like this.
I'll handle it my way.
Until I tell him, you and I have to be discreet and act like friends.
Out of respect for Trevor.
Right.
Out of respect for Trevor.
Mm.
Mmm.
Mm.
Uh! We can't do this here.
You're right.
You're right.
You know, they they just lost someone in 604.
You're right.
I-I'm gonna go.
Wait a second, um I have a confession to make.
Part of me has wanted this since the day we met.
Part of me has, too.
You know, since we're putting all our cards on the table, I, uh, I have a confession to make myself.
When you told me that you were gonna marry Trevor, uh I think I might have You know, o-on some level Hit him on purpose.
What? I didn't want to kill him or anything.
Just, you know, kind of nudge him A little bit.
Are you serious? Yeah.
No, no! No! What kind of sick, twisted person are you? I never told you anything about hitting Trevor on purpose.
Uugghhh! This is a bad day for the jedi mind trick.
[MOANS.]
Oh, shut up.
Uhh! Hi, Carter.
How are you? I see? Now he's scared.
Finally, we'll get some respect.
There's a protest outside the u.
N.
! We need every person! Carter Carter, let's go! I can't believe it.
I guess the bald caps didn't work.
Bald cap.
- [MAN.]
Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
- [UBU BARKS.]
That's my doughnut.
I don't see your name on it.
Look on the bottom.
Well, there you go.
Hey! And next time, get it notarized.
Hey.
Hey.
Caitlin.
Hey, Carter Check out Caitlin's outfit.
Mike That's very gay of you.
No, Carter, that's the same thing she was wearing when she left work last night.
Someone didn't spend the night at home.
Look at her.
She's doing the walk of shame.
Watch me make her uncomfortable.
Oh, Caitlin.
Did you have a good time last night? Well, if you must know, I had a very nice date with Trevor.
Just what was it that made it so Very nice? Well, we cooked dinner.
I'll bet you cooked.
And we watched a movie.
Watchin' movies.
Mike, what is your point? Well, Caitlin, I, uh, couldn't help but notice that you are wearing the exact same outfit that you were wearing when you left work last night.
That's because I stayed over, and we had sex.
I'll bet you what? It was unbelievable.
I was screaming so loud I set off a car alarm.
Uncomfortable? Very.
Finally, the mayor stopped in to say goodbye.
As you all know, we're leaving on his campaign bus tomorrow for a 3-day listening tour upstate.
Okay! Well, I'll see you all in three days.
Oh, I'm sorry, Paul.
This is yours.
By the way, the mayor's new campaign bus still needs a name.
How about Larry? I got it Titanic.
Mike, recent polls show that the mayor's most admired quality is his trustworthiness, so why don't we call it the trust bus? Well Those are three very good suggestions.
I only wish we had three buses so we could name them all the trust bus.
Thank you, Carter.
Meeting adjourned.
Did you see that? He always listens to Carter.
Why? What does Carter have that we don't have? He's smart, articulate, creative, dedicated, informed, hardworking.
No.
Facial hair.
People with facial hair seem smarter.
Really? Yeah, think about it Abe Lincoln, Albert Einstein, Burt Reynolds.
And my aunt Sally.
She's smart as a whip.
Starting right now, we're both gonna grow a mustache.
Yes! I'll check with you later.
Excuse me.
Can I borrow your stapler? Sure.
Thanks.
What am I, invisible? What are you talking about? I was just totally sending that guy a vibe.
What, the "I have office supplies" vibe? What else am I supposed to do? I wasn't raised to ask men out.
Hey, neither was I.
This is so unfair.
Do you realize men have all the power? You got to be more aggressive.
You got to be more like a guy.
Dare I say, you should be more like Stuart.
Can't I be more like a different guy? Say what you want about him, but that guy hasn't slept alone since his bed was a tiny racecar.
All right, Stuart, I can't believe I'm asking you this, but how do you get women to go out with you? If I'm interested in the woman, I don't hesitate.
I tell her how I feel, and I ask her out.
All right, makes sense.
What if she says no? I just pull up my pants and go back to work.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Oh, Mike.
Just looking for Caitlin.
We're supposed to go out for Well, let's just call it "lunch.
" I'm sorry.
Caitlin went home sick.
Apparently, she was exposed to something nasty last night.
Trevor! Ready to go, dear? Let me just get my stuff.
I'll meet you outside.
I can't leave without a kiss.
I just don't understand it.
Why are you wasting your time with this guy? Mike, I just checked the guestlist to my business, and you're not on it.
All I'm saying is this it's not like you're gonna marry him again, so what are you getting out of it? Look, if you must know oh, my God.
I was gonna say he's very caring, but if you must know [GASPS.]
There he is.
Remember confident, direct.
Be a guy.
Hey, there.
So I've been watching you lately, and frankly I like what I see.
What do you say you and I go grab some dinner, maybe head back to your place for a few drinks? Sounds great.
Why don't you give me your number? I'll give you a call.
All right ed.
You got yourself a date.
[TONGUE CLICKS.]
How'd it go? I got the digits.
James, what are you doing? Growing a mustache.
It's taking forever.
How long have you been trying? Four hours.
James, no one grows a mustache that fast.
Where's your mustache? How did you grow one already? Oh, I just skipped my 10:15 and 12:30 shaves.
Excuse me, Paul Now you'll see some big-time respect.
Yes? Can I ask you a question? Oh! You seek my counsel.
What time is your next press conference? Thanks.
Wow! Look at this thing.
Why does my maid complain about taking the bus? It's great! Well, sir, the average city bus doesn't have a luxury bathroom.
Not that that stops anyone.
This is exciting, sir.
We got three days to talk, see the state, get to know each other better.
I'm really excited.
Me too, Carter.
Wake me when we get to Albany.
So, Mike, you want to go over the mayor's schedule? Yeah, sure, Carter.
Day one Caitlin sees me reading Jane Austen, is impressed by my feminine side.
Day two she sees me coming out of the shower and is impressed by my masculine side.
Ho! Day three I'm giving my statement in a small sheriff's office in poughkeepsie.
Hey, Mike, you all packed? Yeah.
I'm just catching up on a little reading.
I should probably get going.
[HORN HONKS LOUDLY.]
Horn check.
Someone wants to get around.
Trevor, you want to give me a hand parking this thing? Yeah.
I miss you already.
Ohh! Door check.
Mike, would you please try to get along with Trevor? I just don't get what you see in this guy.
Look at him fanning himself like he's blanche du bois.
Mike, he's guiding you in.
You know, like it or not, you're gonna have to get used to him.
Why? He asked me to marry him again.
What did you say? Mike, look out! [HORN HONKS.]
[THUD.]
Are we there? Sir, I just spoke to Caitlin.
Is Trevor gonna be okay? Oh, yeah, he's fine.
A few nicks and bruises, nothing serious.
By the way, do you have o-positive blood? So Can we get back on the road again? That's the thing.
We have to delay the bus trip until tomorrow.
Oh, I can't wait.
I never thought I'd miss it, but it gets underneath your skin.
The wind through your hair.
[SNIFFS.]
The smell of the countryside.
Your dreams as big as the open road ahead of you.
Sir, we drove 10 feet.
Yes, my intelligent, distinguished, and well-respected colleague in the front.
Thank you, Paul.
Excuse me I just have a, uh a brief announcement to make.
We're postponing the mayor's bus tour until tomorrow because of a broken headlight.
We heard the bus actually hit somebody.
Yeah, whose leg went through the headlight.
Stay with me, people.
Mike, doesn't it undercut the message of the trust bus when it starts running over innocent new yorkers? I'll have you know that the accident was caused by the pedestrian.
You can prove that? Yes, he'll be releasing a statement in which he completely absolves the Winston campaign.
When? Uh You don't need a statement.
There is no story here.
Are you trying the jedi mind trick on us? [SINGSONG VOICE.]
Nikki, you're late.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
What's up? [SIGHS CONTENTEDLY.]
I got some last night.
Nice! Did you stay over? No.
Nice! So, give me the details.
We go back to his place after dinner.
I light some candles, put on some Sinatra.
Guys are such suckers for that.
Next thing you know, he wants to play scrabble.
I'm like, "all right, I'll go with it.
" My first word horny.
Double word score, 70 points.
Before he knows what hits him, I've got my bra off, we're in his bedroom, and his box spring is doin' a rendition of "purple haze.
" [LAUGHING.]
Wow.
So did you you know? Three times.
What about him? Who cares? There he is.
I brought you a balloon.
"It's a boy"?! Yeah, well, they were all out of "sorry I hit you with a bus.
" Thanks, Mike.
I got 14 broken bones, but this balloon makes it all better! You know, you're never gonna heal with that attitude, which is why I think we should get some closure in a very real And legally binding way.
Mike, what are you doing? Come to finish him off? No, I just came by to tell Trevor how sorry I am.
It just kills me to see him like this.
So, how's my brave little boy? Aw, I'm hanging in there.
I brought you your favorite lunch.
Aah! Crab cakes from the Pierre.
You dear, sweet thing.
But, you know, I'm just in too much pain to eat.
Oh, you poor dear.
You know what? You need more painkillers.
I'll go get the nurse.
Thank you My future bride.
[MOCKINGLY.]
Thank you, my future bride.
I'm in too much pain to eat.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
I barely hit you with that bus.
You're just faking it to get sympathy.
I am not! Then why doesn't this hurt? Ow! Morning.
Hello, janelle.
Notice anything different about me? Yeah.
You really need to trim that nose hair.
Actually, it's a mustache, and I think it's time you started showing me a little more respect.
Or what, you'll tie me to a rail road track? PAUL: Hey, James! Nice mustache! Thanks, Paul, but I've got a confession.
It's fake.
Yes, but the respect you're gonna get is real.
Hey, Carter What do you think? I think you look like an idiot from the '70s.
What about me? I think you look like an idiot from the 1870s.
Guys, I need three people to round out my think tank for the new mass-transit project.
Carter Carter, let's go.
Damn! He knew it was fake.
What else does Carter have that we don't have? He shaves his head.
That he does.
There he is.
Feeling okay? Painkillers kicking in? Mommy? Yeah, that's right.
Listen, mommy needs you to sign something.
Mike, what are you doing? Uh, my rounds.
"I apologize for leaping recklessly "into the path of the bus being carefully driven by political genius Mike Flaherty"? I don't believe you! It wasn't enough that you ran him over with a bus?! You were there! It was an accident! Ugh! My fiancé is lying there in agony, and all you can think about is your petty work problems? You are the coldest, most heartless person I have ever met.
Cold and heartless? This only happened because I care so much about you.
What? When you said you were gonna marry this guy, I-I-I just forgot everything, because I can't stand the thought of you spending the rest of your life with anybody but Me.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmmmm.
Mm.
Mm.
Mmmm! Wait, wait, wait.
I can't do this.
I can see my fiancé lying right there.
Right.
Mm.
Mm.
Mmm! Uuugghhh! Mm.
Mmmm.
Mmm.
What's going on here? It's okay.
I'm his fiancée.
And I'm the guy who ran him over.
Nikki, I didn't get a chance to say goodbye last night.
You left pretty quickly.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry about that.
I, uh, had an early meeting.
Oh.
You, uh, free for lunch? Got a meeting.
How about dinner? Meeting.
I get the feeling you're trying to blow me off.
Oh, no.
Hey, look, listen.
No, ed.
I think you're great.
I really do.
It's just that, you know, I'm looking to have some fun right now, kind of play the field.
If you can live with that, great.
Maybe we can still hang out.
But if not, I think we better just say goodbye.
Um I'm sorry you feel that way.
Oh, Nikki, I'm impressed.
I couldn't have done it better myself.
What's the matter? I really liked him! God, I feel So bad for Trevor.
I mean Look at him Lying there in pain.
He has no idea his entire world is gonna come crashing down on him.
Yeah.
Poor bastard.
Let's tell him.
No.
Not like this.
I'll handle it my way.
Until I tell him, you and I have to be discreet and act like friends.
Out of respect for Trevor.
Right.
Out of respect for Trevor.
Mm.
Mmm.
Mm.
Uh! We can't do this here.
You're right.
You're right.
You know, they they just lost someone in 604.
You're right.
I-I'm gonna go.
Wait a second, um I have a confession to make.
Part of me has wanted this since the day we met.
Part of me has, too.
You know, since we're putting all our cards on the table, I, uh, I have a confession to make myself.
When you told me that you were gonna marry Trevor, uh I think I might have You know, o-on some level Hit him on purpose.
What? I didn't want to kill him or anything.
Just, you know, kind of nudge him A little bit.
Are you serious? Yeah.
No, no! No! What kind of sick, twisted person are you? I never told you anything about hitting Trevor on purpose.
Uugghhh! This is a bad day for the jedi mind trick.
[MOANS.]
Oh, shut up.
Uhh! Hi, Carter.
How are you? I see? Now he's scared.
Finally, we'll get some respect.
There's a protest outside the u.
N.
! We need every person! Carter Carter, let's go! I can't believe it.
I guess the bald caps didn't work.
Bald cap.
- [MAN.]
Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
- [UBU BARKS.]