Weird Science s04e21 Episode Script

You'll make man? No.
Woman.
Woman? THEME SONG: Weird Science.
Pictures from a magazine, diagrams and charts, mending broken hearts and making weird science.
Something like a recipe, bits and pieces, bits and pieces.
My creation, is it real? It's my creation, my creation.
It's my creation.
No heart of gold, just flesh and blood.
I do not know.
It's my creation.
My creation.
It's my creation.
From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand? It's alive.
Alive! What seems to be the problem, Bink? I don't want to say.
It's your body, isn't it? Every day you awake to discover your body changing in new and fantastic ways.
Not to mention freaky.
Puberty, young Bink.
You're on the hormone highway to a grand new adventure.
I want to rip.
When I signed on for AV duty I figured I'd get to play with some cool CD-ROMS.
What do I get instead? Army surplus projectors in a 20 year old personal hygiene film called "Say Hello to Body Hair.
" Tell me more about this thing called puberty, Nurse Hastings.
Technically it's your body transmogrifying from a smooth, sweet scented boy to a hairy, musky man.
I'm so glad I didn't have to live through the '70s.
I mean, check out how poofy that kid's hair is.
I hate Farber.
We're living in the computer age, but we're going to school in the stone age.
Oh, come on, Wyatt.
It's not so bad.
Yes it is.
All my life I've been waiting for the future to get here.
Hey, me too.
I keep wishing it was Friday, like, all the time.
No, the future future.
Voice activated computes at every desk.
Those-- those doors that slide open when you walk up to them.
You mean like in supermarkets? Well, yeah.
Yeah, but in school.
I want to rocket into class on a jetpack.
I want to play zero gravity dodgeball.
I want to do all that fun stuff I see on "Star Trek.
" I love "Star Trek.
" That Captain Picard is some hot bald action.
Lis, you think you could help out with a little zappage? Give Farber a hi-tech makeover? Make the future happen now? Piece of cake.
I can handle this wish blindfolded.
INTERCOM: Remember, a healthy attitude makes for healthy students.
Whoa.
The future has arrived.
You diggin' it? I'm diggin' it.
[BEEPING.]
Hi, guys.
Your boring school day just became a sci-fi thrill ride, guaranteed to make you smile.
I am very impressed.
Yeah, me too.
Good zapping, Lis.
And I did it all blindfolded.
I can't wait to see the AV room.
Me too.
Let's run.
OK, then what do you want to do? Start small.
Drink of water? Hello.
Thirsty? You can choose from a wide selection of delicious, thirst quenching beverages.
Please make your selection now.
Cool.
It sure beats the old brown, rusty gunk, huh? Brown, rusty gunk has been selected.
Thank you.
Ew.
Oh.
I love a girl in a uniform.
[ALARM.]
Principal Scampi, sensors are picking up hormonal activity in sector three.
Impossible.
My students are completely under control.
Run a systems check.
I did.
It confirms cross-gender interest.
Sir, I've got one-- no, two signals.
Lock on to it.
I'm trying.
Eh.
Looked better coming than going.
I've lost the signal, sir.
So, it appears that puberty has once again reared its monstrous head in the halls of my school.
Go ahead.
Try to blend in, my friend.
It's only a matter of time before your hormones get the best of you.
Then I'll have you.
INTERCOM: Third period classes are about to begin.
Please proceed to the nearest jet tube.
I just thought of something.
What? Maybe we're supposed to go one at a time.
I've got a clog in sector B.
Cafeteria must be using the tubes to transport garbage again.
Permission to flush? Flush on my command.
Flush.
Oh, man.
I got tube burn.
All right.
Cool.
VR helmet.
And who would like to go next? Right here.
So, what's the game called? Learning Shakespeare.
[MUMBLING.]
Well, how do you feel? You've just had the complete works of William Shakespeare burned directly into your cerebral cortex.
Really? I guess I kind of tuned out.
INTERCOM: Remember, Farber High students are patient, helpful, and thoughtful.
Is it just me, or is everyone acting kind of crazy? Indeed.
Yon grim looks do testify.
Huh? What? I think you just said something, you know, Shakespearean.
Ha! You yanketh me.
Hark-- I mean-- whoa.
I am Frogzar, intergalactic warrior from the planet Punderzoy.
Did I get ya? I got you, didn't I? Big funny, Lis.
So, what's up next? Gym.
Or should I say the future of gym? Prepare to marvel at the wondrous technological advancements the future holds.
INTERCOM: Remember, a strong body builds a healthy mind.
Is it just me, or did you expect a little more? Don't tell Lisa I said this, but this wish is pretty sucky.
As waters to the sucking of a gulf.
I suppose she means well, but from what I can tell, the future isn't what it's cracked up to-- be.
Oh.
Sorry.
Wrong stall.
Lisa done good.
Let us bask in the glow of bodies unadorned.
Unauthorized hormonal activity detected.
Is it a strong signal? It's redlining.
I've pinpointed their location.
Hygiene unit 47.
We've got them.
[ALARM.]
Identify.
Stop! Where's the exit? Halt.
Move and you're vapor trails.
Alas, we're to be cast into the rotten mouth of death.
If you quote Shakespeare one more time, I'll kill you myself.
Et tu, Wyatt? I'm receiving orders.
The fugitives are to be taken to the nurse's office.
The nurse's office? Why? To have your skulls drilled for brain chip implantation.
No.
No! No! There must be some kind of mistake.
I didn't want this.
I just wanted to see the future.
You and your wish most vile.
Could I not but change yesterday? This is the last time I let her zap blindfolded.
But to die and go we know not where, to lie in cold obstruction, to rot, moldering most foul.
Will you stop that? We're not gonna die.
We're just going to wish we were dead.
[SCREAMING.]
Principal Scampi? Ah, my ever elusive quarry.
At last we meet.
Why are we being punished? We haven't done anything wrong.
You are what's wrong, Mr.
Donnelly.
You're an anomaly in my school, a chipless stranger in a strange land.
Alas, thy words dos vex me.
Don't insult my improbably large intelligence, boy.
You know the law requires all teenagers to have control chips implanted in their skulls.
To control what? Puberty.
Even as we speak, your hormones are pumping by the proverbial boatload through your twitching teenage bodies.
Chunka chunka chunka, 24 hours a day.
So what? Puberty is a natural part of life.
Yea, verily.
Blame not the horned dog for his most randy desires.
It's because of those randy desires the elders created the hormone control chip, to make a living with our youths bearable.
Goodbye, gentlemen.
When we meet again, you will be well.
Good afternoon, boys.
My name is Nurse Adder, and I'll be performing your waxing, teeth cleaning, control chip implant.
Comfortable? No.
Excellent.
Let's floss, suture, bore a hole in your skull.
Who's first? -Him! Himeth! Patient number one has been chosen.
Please flare your nostrils for easy bone drill insertion.
This may be a little uncomfortable.
Painful.
Bloody.
If you need to rinse and spit, just ask.
Yes! He needs to rinse and spit! I doeth? Trust me, you do.
Now.
Rinse.
And spit.
Spit! There, now.
That wasn't so bad.
Now, turn your head and cough.
Cough.
Cough.
INTERCOM: Remember, Farber High students control their emotions.
Their emotions don't control them.
[BEEPING.]
Aye, captain.
Lis, you gotta get us outta here.
We got trouble.
You've got troubles? I've got overheated lithium crystals that could blow any second.
OK, now you say beam me up, Lisa.
Thy wit blows as foul as the winds of our troubles.
And your Scotty impression sucks.
OK, what's with the attitude? The wish turned deadly.
Again.
What's that supposed to mean? You think that I don't put thought into these wishes? Huh? You accusing me of not paying attention? Oh, piece of glitter.
[ALARM.]
INTERCOM: Unauthorized student detected.
Relax.
It's just a silly security camera.
Gulp.
Wow.
I got waxed.
Lis, what do we do? I can't risk coming back in with those sentries.
I'll tap into the main computer and find a way to get you out of there.
Until then, lay low.
I'm receiving a priority one communication.
It's Superintendent Calamari.
Put it on the screen.
Scampi.
Calamari.
Have you crushed the hormonal uprising? Yes, superintendent.
I've taken care of the troubled youths.
You better have, Scampi.
If you fail me, I promise you won't live to see your own tenure.
Ah.
A threat? Kill me, and my union will fire off a letter of protest before my lifeless body hits the ground.
You won this round, Scampi.
But I'll be back.
And I'll be waiting.
It's about time.
I think I found a way to get you out.
I've been checking the school's schematics.
All power funnels through the primary core.
Get to it and pull the zirconium crystals.
And, uh, be careful.
They may be radioactive.
They may be radioactive, or they are radioactive? Uh, right.
Alas, light through yonder window breaks.
We're not leaving.
Yanketh thou upon my chain? Don't you see? These people are being robbed of the pleasures of youth.
The thrill of catching a girl's eye across a dance floor.
The head rush when Miss Bouvier wears that black, lacy thing with the stripe on it.
The simple joy of copping a feel in the backseat of a Corolla Scampi has to be stopped.
OK, we're in.
Good.
Pull the third crystal.
It should deactivate the doors.
Which one deactivates the control chips? Control chips? I thought you wanted out of there.
Right after Scampi's reign of terror ends.
This was not the plan, Wyatt.
There's a new plan! OK, OK.
We'll take care of the control chips.
Jet tubes.
Meal service.
Hey, I've got an idea.
Why don't you just pull all of them? [ALARM.]
Status report.
We've lost microwave oven control in home ec.
Engage emergency override.
Divert power from the teacher's lounge.
But they're grading papers in there.
What will they use for light? Just do it, dammit.
Do it! Carmichael, I want answers, and I want them now.
Sensors indicate an unusual power surge in sector three.
Trace it.
I have.
It originates at the primary core.
Put it on screen.
Wallace.
Donnelly.
Security to sector three.
Go.
I got it.
No, let me go.
Uh-oh.
We lost security in the tube clog.
Then I have no choice.
Arm the sentry.
[BEEPING.]
INTERCOM: Step away from the crystals.
Gary? Wyatt? What's going on? Somebody talk to me.
So you've stooped to vandalism? I'm not surprised.
I should've chipped you myself.
I'm coming in.
Lisa? Shh.
I made this tin foil suit to fool the sensors into thinking I'm a vending machine.
INTERCOM: Unauthorized snack food dispenser detected.
Oh.
[INAUDIBLE.]
! Gary! Get the laser before it rearms! I'm going after them myself.
Carmichael, take the com.
Huh? The com.
The what? The com! Ah-ha! We finally meet face to face, Donnelly.
Looks like you've lost your advantage, Scampi.
There's nothing to keep me from destroying these last crystals and freeing these teens.
Do that and you'll unleash untold horrors, uncontrolled teens.
Think of their rude behavior, raucous laughter.
Their lack of attention span.
Their emotional highs, their youthful vitality.
Their wild, untamed spirit.
A spirit never meant to be tamed.
I'm a principal, dammit, not a philosopher.
These students are here to learn, and learn is what they'll do, no matter the cost.
The cost is too high.
The cost will be your lives.
Attack! Lisa! Thank god.
Are you OK? I hate the smell of burnt hair.
INTERCOM: Intruder identified.
Fear not, sweet Lisa.
I have the cannon.
Aw, crap.
INTERCOM: Problem students identified.
Gary, the crystals! No! You fools! What have you done? I know exactly what I've done.
I've set them free.
Free to think again.
Free to be controlled by their emotions.
Emotions spawn great poets, scientists, doctors.
He's right.
I want to be a doctor.
See, Scampi? They're human again, and being human is good.
Show him! Show him what unbridled youth is capable of! Yeah! I want to save the environment.
Yes! I want to help the poor.
Yeah! I want to be a teacher! Yeah! I want to be a fireman! I wanna be president! All right! I hate my parents.
I hate homework.
I hate everything.
Let's form a gang.
Kids.
Your selection, butt cheese, is unavailable.
Please select again.
OK, OK.
I've got a really good one.
Skunk juice.
Thank you.
You know, Mr.
Donnelly, perhaps I was wrong to fear puberty.
These kids have brought a new life and vitality to this old school.
Well, sir, maybe you have as much to learn from them as they do from you.
Maybe, son.
Maybe.
I think things are going to work out just fine.
[ALARM.]
Principal's log, final entry.
Scampi has not returned.
I fear the worst.
I have no choice but to initiate his final order and execute the self destruct sequence.
NARRATOR: And now, a scene from next week's Weird Science.
THEME SONG: Weird Science.
Fantasy and microchips shooting from the hip.
Something different will make it weird science.
Pictures from a magazine, bits and pieces.
Bits and pieces.
My creation, is it real? It's my creation.
I do not know.
It's my creation.
From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand my intentions?