Abbott Elementary (2021) s04e22 Episode Script

AVA: Abbott Elementary,
as we begin my second term,
here are some executive orders
we'll be enacting.
First things first
I officially pardon myself
- for taking bribes.
- And abuse of power, but okay.
Furthermore, there is a moratorium
on the basement bathroom
and, yes,
the passcode has been changed.
How do you impeach a principal?
Hold on, now. Let's hear her out.
It should go without saying,
but I've rescinded
everything the previous
administration put into effect.
Aw, hell nah.
[CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
We have a field trip today.
She should be sharing logistics.
Any snide comments directed at me
are subject to
immediate disciplinary action.
Pfft. Good luck
pulling that off, comrade.
Yeah. You know what? We're cool,
and your rules drool, Ava.
What you gonna do about it, right?
- Yeah!
- You go, girl. Say it.
- AVA: Ahem.
- Aah!
How did you How do you
You were there, and now
you're here What
AVA: [THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER]
Next executive order
Don't ask questions you can't
handle the answers to.
- Ooh.
- You heard the boss.
- Oh, my God.
- Go.
[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]
Hey, Darren, okay, now,
hands to yourself, alright?
Save that for the museum.
Today we are going to
the Please Touch Museum.
The amount of hand sanitizer
alone makes today stressful.
But if that wasn't enough,
my dad is in town
and is going to help
chaperone. His idea.
Which is weird, because
he's not really a "touch" guy
or a "hug" guy.
Or a "I'm proud of you, son" guy, so
Remember, we won't be back
at school until "oh" -1400 hours.
"Oh" -1400?
Affirmative. [CHUCKLES]
I want to make a good
first impression on your dad,
so I learned military time.
Hope our kids don't go AWOL. [LAUGHS]
That'd be a real pickle, right?
Teagues out.
Look, don't worry about
trying to impress my dad, okay?
Nothing impresses him. Just be yourself.
But it's my first time meeting him.
After all this time, I just
really want your dad to like me,
- you know?
- Yeah, no, I-I want that, too.
Just don't be surprised
if you two don't vibe.
Look, my dad is just so, like, stiff.
He's not like me. He hates being silly.
- Mm.
- I haven't seen him
enjoying anyone's company like ever.
Well, I enjoy your company.
And I enjoy your company.
So will your dad.
He most likely will not.
[KIDS CHATTERING]
Okay, what's going on here?
Put that in your hands.
Thank you. Now turn around.
Hold your bag. Let his bag go.
Everyone, hands to yourself.
Alright, class,
what are some of the things
we're excited about seeing today? Yes.
I'm excited to see my dog.
No, sweetheart. On the field trip.
But are we excited? [KIDS CHEERING]
I am telling you guys,
outside of an Eagles, Phillies,
Flyers, Sixers game or
any other live sporting event,
this is the most exciting place
to go in all of Philadelphia.
[KIDS CHEERING]
Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right.
Make some noise if you're ready
to go to Philly's funnest museum!
I said, if you're ready
to have some fun,
let me hear you-u-u!
We wanted our final field trip
to be the aquarium, Mr. C.
Yeah, man. The Please Touch
Museum's for babies.
What? No way! [SCOFFS]
Miss Schemmenti, Mrs. Howard,
eighth graders think
that they are too old for this museum,
- which is loco, okay?
- MELISSA: What?
They're afraid that
their final field trip at Abbott
- is gonna be boring.
- Oh, no way.
It's like Disney World, but for kids.
And Mr. Johnson loves it so much,
he's decided to come with us.
I'm being forced to, 'cause
you're short on chaperones.
I don't want to go there.
It's for babies.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
- It is.
- It's not.
- It is.
[CHUCKLES] Looks like
the queen is back on her throne.
Please. The throne is wherever
I'm sitting at the moment.
You ready to chaperone while
I look at my phone all day?
You know it. But before we leave,
I thought that you could use
a little welcome back gift.
You're right, I could.
- Baow.
- Oh!
Look at you
spending money you don't have.
Maybe a little.
[CHUCKLING] Oh, my God
They're beautiful.
- Right? Try them on.
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay. [CHUCKLES]
Mm, you shouldn't have.
He shouldn't have.
Like, he really shouldn't have.
These are the ugliest things
I've ever seen in my life.
Like, damn.
There you go. Stay in one line.
BARBARA: Here we go. Come on.
'Cause this is going to be fun!
Just wait until you see this place.
It is gonna blow your minds. Right?
Yeah, you don't even know
the definition of dope
until you've scoped out this dope place.
Please stop saying that word.
Welcome, friends! My name's Ant-Man.
No, it's not.
My name is Anthony.
To have fun and stay safe today,
remember walking feet,
listening ears,
and if you need to go to the potty,
raise your hand,
and an adult will take you.
You c You can go to the potty
by yourself.
Good morning, son.
Good to see you, father.
I apologize for our tardiness.
One of the reasons I chose
not to join you on the bus.
The others, of course,
being no seat belts,
an abundance of volume,
and too many children.
You do realize there are
children at the museum.
So, where's the famous Janine?
She was on a different bus,
and they will be here shortly.
- [JANINE CLEARS THROAT]
- Shortly.
Good afternoon, sir. I'm Janine Teagues.
It is so good to finally have
your boots on the ground.
Mm, hello, Janine. I'm Martin.
Ah. If you don't mind,
I'd prefer to call you
Lieutenant Colonel Eddie.
Is this mine?
- Strong handshake.
- Yours, as well.
[KIDS LAUGH, CHATTER]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
young people, hold it right there.
Okay? There is to be no skipping
or running in this museum.
Skipping is for going to my Lou,
and running is nonsense without a goal.
Please walk. Thank you.
No nonsense.
I like that. [CONFUSED CHUCKLE]
I abhor nonsense, sir. So
Ready, kids? One line. One line.
[KIDS GRUNTING]
Uh, hey, hey, hey, guys,
one at a time, ri
Boats are not for having fun.
They are for shipping freights
and spreading norovirus.
Back up. Thank you.
Okay? Make sure you're learning.
This isn't just for fun.
That's right. One should
never miss an opportunity
- to educate oneself.
- Exactly.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Be right back, sir.
- Hey!
- Hey.
So, what are you doing?
Uh, making a good impression
on your dad.
[CHUCKLES] You see that validation?
He loves me.
At what cost?
[SNEAKERS SQUEAK, KID FALLS]
LILA: Ow, my knee!
Oh, my goodness. Lila, are you okay?
Well, this is why we have rules
and protocols about running.
But I-I bet that stings, huh?
Pain is just weakness
Weakness leaving the body.
We got it, Dad.
[CLEARS THROAT] Yes.
Um, yeah, this pain will turn you
into a strong young woman
who never runs.
I'm just gonna engage
with the student directly.
Hey, I have something
that maybe can help.
Ooh! Let my magic pencil erase
away the pain! [LILA CHUCKLES]
There. You feel better?
- A little.
- A little?
What about now?
[MAKING SILLY WHOOPING NOISES]
Yeah, that feels good. Let me see it.
Aah! No, I'm kidding. It's not that bad.
[KIDS CHATTERING]
[BUS HORN HONKS]
So, you're still a couple years
away from driving legally,
but, hey, never too early to get
a little practice in, huh?
TALA: These cars don't move.
Might as well be whippin' a rock.
There's an old-timey fire truck.
I'm gonna go find someplace to loiter.
[JACOB CHUCKLES]
Look, I got nuggets.
Oh! Great job, bud! [CHUCKLES]
Hey, guys. Look at this.
You can pretend to be a grocer.
Isn't that neat?
Why should I pretend to work?
I don't even want a job.
Uh, okay. Well, maybe, uh
maybe you could make pizzas, you know?
Oh, wood fire. Fancy.
Scuzi, scuzi.
Alright. What kind of pie do you like?
The kind you can actually eat.
MR. JOHNSON: Okay, kids! Listen up.
First thing you need
to know about having a job
worker's comp. Watch and learn.
[SCREAMING DRAMATICALLY]
My back! Oh, Lord, my back!
Ow!
[HORN HONKING, ENGINE REVVING]
Alright, car's all clean,
but your headlights is out.
[HORN BEEPS]
[EARRINGS JINGLE]
Ava, I think you developed a
nervous tic while you were away.
Is everything okay?
Oh, yeah. Just trying to cover up
these earrings
that O'Shon bequeathed me.
How can I be with somebody
who thinks my taste is this bad?
Well, did you tell him
how you feel about them?
And what? Be honest?
[SCOFFS] Barb, are you crazy?
Ava, honest, difficult conversations
can help build a strong relationship.
How do I tell him that he
financially ruined himself
for earrings even Janine would return?
Oh, come on, they can't be that bad.
Let me see.
Mm.
Oh, my.
Yeah.
[KIDS CHATTERING]
Alright, guys,
see if you can fit in there.
LEONE: [THROUGH TUBE]
Ooh, Miss Teagues,
I'm a tree ghost.
And now you're haunted!
[LAUGHS] Oh, no, not a tree ghost!
[BOTH LAUGH]
[INTO TUBE] You're telling the
children that trees have ghosts.
That would mean that trees have souls.
Right.
Uh, kids, trees don't have souls,
so they can't have ghosts.
And, uh, don't run.
And the world is a
[VOICE BREAKING] sad, sad place.
[KIDS MURMUR SADLY]
No, you know what?
No, trees do have souls.
Yeah. Yeah, I pass a tree
on the way to work every day,
and I named him Steven,
because he absolutely has
a glorious soul, alright?
Look, I'm sorry,
I'm a second grade teacher,
and being playful
is part of my job. I
Alright, guys, so,
what other fun kinds of things
live in trees?
- Winnie the Pooh?
- Yes!
Alright. What else? Throw it out.
[HIGH-PITCHED] Well, I live
here, and I'm a squirrel.
Hey, Mr. Squirrel.
How long have you lived in this tree?
Most of my life.
But I'm thinkin' of movin',
'cause the cost of livin'
is through the roots!
[LAUGHTER]
That's really funny.
Oh, come on, tell me this isn't cool.
I mean, who doesn't love a maze?
Yeah, didn't you guys see
"Pan's Labyrinth"?
Yeah, but it's not a maze
if you can see over the sides.
This sucks.
Can we just get our phones back?
Guys, I'm sorry, okay?
I really didn't want
our last field trip together
to go down like this. Maybe
Maybe you have outgrown
this place. [SIGHS]
Are you older kids
looking for an activity?
- Good luck.
- Well, we do have something.
Nah. What am I saying?
You got to be pretty creative for it.
Just tell us your idea, dude.
See, no one's in
the Playhouse Theatre right now.
You older kids could write
and produce a play.
[ALL GROAN]
A-About your teachers.
Whoever wants in, follow me.
We can stop by the potty on the way.
[KIDS CHATTERING]
[IMITATES RADIO CRACKLE]
Abbott flight control,
are we a go for launch?
Stand by, Houston.
Initiating safety check.
[IMITATES RADIO CRACKLE]
Ready, astronaut Mr. Eddie?
Uh, no, thank you.
[IMITATES RADIO CRACKLE]
Astronaut Mr. Eddie is a no go.
We will go to Mars without him.
[CHUCKLES]
Alright, flight control?
Go for launch. Commence countdown.
ALL: 3, 2, 1!
[TIMER BEEPING]
Blast off! Oh! Oh, ah.
[LAUGHING] Heads up,
astronaut Mr. Eddie.
You know rocket debris is
a serious issue, right?
[JANINE AND MARTIN LAUGHING]
Let's do another one.
Hey, do you guys mind if
I get a photo for the website?
Oh, okay. Bring it in. Bring it in.
Look at those cool earrings.
Oh Thank you.
Did the kids make those for you?
No. These were a very expensive
gift. Apologize.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
KIDS: Cheese!
Alright. Thank you guys!
Hey. So, good news.
I think your dad likes me.
The real me. The one you like.
- Yeah, it looks like he does.
- Mm-hmm.
Are you good?
'Cause it feels like you're
maybe upset about that.
Uh, n-no, no. I'm sorry.
I'm I'm happy. I am. I just
don't fully understand
what's going on here.
That is not the man who raised me.
My dad always hated this kind
of thing when I was a kid.
Now all of a sudden, he's doing
voices and playing pretend.
I see how that could be jarring.
Yeah, just kind of got me
messed up today.
Why don't you talk to him about it?
Yeah, my dad's not a guy who
loves talking about feelings.
Ugh. Why aren't all men more like Jacob?
[CHUCKLES]
Though it does seem like
maybe your dad is capable
of more than you think.
It does suddenly feel like he's
from a whole different planet.
[IMITATING ALIEN BEEPING]
[KIDS LAUGH, CHATTER]
Right here, right here!
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
Oh, when did these eighth
graders stop being kids?
Seems like just yesterday
I was wiping their noses,
and look at them.
They're almost high schoolers.
As you know,
goodbyes are not my strong suit.
Plus, I never feel like we did enough
to prepare them, you know?
Well, if you did, you'd never know it.
They're teenagers.
Communication goes against
their entire biology.
Well, my entire biology will not mind
sitting in a cool, dark theater
right about now,
that's for sure.
You were right, Mr. C.
This place doesn't suck.
Well, I don't want to reheat
my own nachos, but I told ya.
So, when does this play start?
'Cause my dogs are barking.
Soon. But we need your help.
Oh, sweetheart, whatever you need.
Is it proofreading?
I'm telling you right now,
I'm gonna cut out all the curse words.
No, we need you to get into character.
Wait, w-what now?
You're the actors.
Miss Schemmenti, you're Mr. C.
Mr. C, you're Mrs. Howard,
and, Mrs. Howard,
you're Miss Schemmenti.
Okay. And, Mr. Johnson,
only you can play you.
With or without the southern accent?
This feels dangerous.
Yeah, I mean, uh, where are the scripts?
You'll read from the cue cards.
"The Final Bell an Abbott
Elementary Masterpiece."
- Break a leg.
- Okay.
Good luck.
[AS MELISSA] I'm Miss Schemmenti.
I'm Italian,
and I'm a proud Philly native.
- Okay, so far, so good.
- Yeah.
Alright. Okay. Um
[HEAVY ITALIAN-AMERICAN
ACCENT] Eagles! Firemen!
I got a guy for this.
I got a guy for that.
Marinara-a-a sauce!
Okay, pump the brakes
a little bit, Barb.
[LAUGHTER]
[NORMAL VOICE]
Somebody's a little touchy.
Seems like this
could get ugly real fast.
- Well, I will I will try to be subtle.
- Okay.
[AS BARBARA, DRAMATICALLY]
I've taught for a thousand years,
and my bones hurt. [LAUGHTER]
I pray my candles
don't burn the school down.
[LAUGHTER]
Jacob, that was a very
challenging day for me.
Sorry.
That's trash.
I don't sound like that.
[LAUGHTER]
[AS JACOB] Hey, you guys.
Did you see the news
that no one cares about?
The district is trying
to shut down Abbott!
Perhaps I, a white male ally,
could help.
[LAUGHTER]
As the kids would say, we're cooked.
[CHUCKLES DRYLY]
Oh
[KIDS CHATTERING]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
Hey, thanks for chaperoning today.
You're welcome.
And Miss Teagues
is a lovely young woman.
Yeah, she is. I'm glad you like her.
Although I am surprised.
She is the opposite
of how you raised me.
How so?
Anytime I was silly or goofed off,
I was met with disapproval.
You make it sound like
I didn't let you have any fun.
On my birthday, when I got MadLibs,
you made me choose words
that made the most sense.
MadLibs promote insubordination.
So you can see how you
pretending to be a squirrel
was new for me.
[CHUCKLES]
I suppose you didn't
get to see me joke around much
when you were growing up,
and it was just you and me.
I do like to see you joke around.
You know, your mom used to tell me,
"Relax, Eddie." Mm.
Janine reminds me a lot of her.
Of Mom?
Absolutely.
And, son, guys like us do pretty
well with partners like her.
There you are. Gregory
it's almost time
for our scene in the play.
Ah, well, that sounds like my nightmare.
Oh, come on. You gotta do it.
Y-You know what they say about the show.
- It's gotta go on.
- It's gotta go on.
- It's just gotta.
- It's gotta.
It's gotta. [LAUGHS]
Okay, you coming?
Relax, Eddie.
Kinda hard to chaperone from up here.
Huh. Maybe for some people.
So, I notice you're
not wearing the earrings.
Oh, no!
They must have fallen out.
Oh, my g Shoot.
They looked so good, too.
I saw you take them off.
Damn.
[SIGHS] Look.
I don't want you to think that
you shouldn't buy me things.
But these aren't my style. At all.
Like at all-all.
I get it. Uh, I get it.
I just wish you would have told me.
Well, I didn't want to hurt your
feelings or seem ungrateful.
- I'm sorry.
- You ain't got nothing to be sorry about.
I took a big swing
'cause I thought
you liked expensive things.
No To reiterate, I love gifts.
Yeah, no, yeah, I know that.
These actually weren't my first choice.
Um, these were.
They're custom.
I-I know it's below
your expected price point,
but the style reminded me of you.
[SIGHS] Oh, thank God.
You do have taste. [CHUCKLES]
Well, now that that's sorted,
maybe I'll keep you long term.
Maybe I'll keep you long term.
Shut up. [LAUGHS]
Get me those good earrings
and return those
to Ariel's grotto under the sea.
[CHUCKLES]
Beep, bop. You have finished
building me, Mr. Eddie-Bot.
[LAUGHTER]
[AS BARBARA] I have prayed to
my boyfriend Jesus for this day.
Can you save Abbott, Mr. Eddie-Bot?
[LAUGHTER]
No. I have no powers.
The district is
going to shut down the school!
Wah, wah, wah. Boo-hoo.
[HIGH-PITCHED] Don't cry,
my robotic kiss machine.
I can fix anything.
Except for my inability
to reach the tops of trash cans.
[AS JACOB] Hey, I'll recycle
a can in a war-torn nation!
Wouldn't that be dope?
[AS MELISSA] It's worth
a shot. Hey, we love the kids
more than a Sicilian loves
saying they're Sicilian!
[LAUGHS] Gooby gooby goo!
JACOB: That's offensive.
"That's right, best friend.
We love the kids.
And despite our many flaws,
the kids love us."
Oh, guys!
Okay. I'm starting
to feel for the first time.
Is this love? [LAUGHTER]
Oh, no, fam. If Mr. Eddie-Bot
experiences love, he explodes!
Oh. I explode. Okay.
Boom!
The power of love has won!
The district has been defeated!
Abbott is saved!
Now!
- Oh!
- Oh!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[NORMAL VOICE]
That was mostly very sweet.
[NORMAL VOICE] I think
it was technically bullying.
[NORMAL VOICE] These kids are
lucky they're about to graduate.
[NORMAL VOICE]
Why did I have to explode?
[CHUCKLING] We need
to go to more theater.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS,
CAROUSEL MUSIC PLAYING]
BARBARA: When the new
kindergartners arrive at Abbott,
sometimes you try
to imagine those children
in nine years' time.
About to graduate.
No longer little kids,
but little citizens.
You want to picture all the
successes they're going to have.
And all the messes
they'll need help cleaning up.
We get to help them rebound
from adversity and keep growing.
GREGORY: Our job is to be there
for them during that growth,
during the serious times and the silly.
Yeah. And no matter how much
the little goobers change
- over the years
- Whoa. Okay.
they'll always be
part of our Abbott family.
Ah. Am I crazy, or is that
way faster than it looks?
Feel like I just got out
of a salad spinner.
Thank God all I ate today
was hard-boiled eggs.
O'Shon and I are totally fine.
Y'all are just weak.
Told y'all I didn't want
to come here today.
But no one listens to me.
Hey, guys, there's a guy over there
that lets you put cream cheese
on your hot dog.
Look. You gotta try it. No?
[JACOB RETCHES]
No? [OTHERS GROANING]
Alright. Who's ready for another spin?!
KID: Me!
Yeah!